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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Graduate / SOP/Master in Public Health:Infectious Disease and Vaccinology [3]

The medications were always herbal remedies and lots of rest if possible.

... I don't understand what you meant by " lots of rest if possible" :( Better rephrase this part.

In addition, to everyone's knowledge doctors are similar to car mechanics back in China so they assumed likewise here in America.

.... are you referring to migrant Chinese living in America?
Well... you describe the background well, but very less is said about how your passion for this field developed. I wish you said more about that because you need to show them that you have a real interest in this field and you continued to pursue your interest.
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Lots of people choose to have a pet as a companion in their lives [6]

Good introduction :)

In my opinion most animals are very sensitive emotionally.

In my opinion most animals are very sensitive to emotions.

Some are proved to be as smart as young children like African grey parrots.

What is the relevance of this idea to the previous? If you talked about their sensitiveness to emotions such as love, then elaborate on that idea before coming to a new idea. You should also provide an example to support your reasoning.
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: ECOLOGICAL BALANCE; 'technology as major culprit for ecological impact' [4]

Destruction of natural habitat and its repercussion to the entire ecosystem has been one of hotly debated issue in modern society. Its true that most of this ecological impact has been the result of industrialization and the technological advances we achieved during last century. However, I think to restore and protect the ecosystem, technology should be at forefront.

Well .... your prompt requests you to express your opinion on;

Ecological balance is impossible to achieve when technological progress constantly ruins our environment. Do you agree?

I find this has a different meaning to what you have expressed;

However, I think to restore and protect the ecosystem, technology should be at forefront.

It is always good to stay with the prompt, otherwise your writing may go out of topic :(
You write well.... Hope you manged time well too :)
Good Luck!
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / No field of study can advance significantly unless it incorporates outside knowledge. [2]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for GRE? It's always better you include this purpose in the title so that others can provide you with more task related comments. Also, this essay should have been opened in Writing Feedback forum.

I would agree only partially with this claim

I feel it is always good to conclude your introduction with a statement expressing your opinion. Before that introduce the claim to the reader. (Open your introduction with a hook )
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Undergraduate / success is not only for those who get the best chances- value i strongly believe [4]

Good advice by RashedMohamed!

I believe that successuccess not always for those who get the best chances but for those who can make the right decisions on every choices they have.

I believe that successful people are not always those who get the best opportunities, but those who make right decisions with the choices they have.

I saw them fail and successucceed, fall and shine, and iI learned from them that although it is the God who controllscontrols our life, we always have choices whether to turn our lifes into something better or something worse
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2; Old values have no relevance in the modern world [6]

Every region in the world has its distinct custom and traditional values. However, many adolescents have failed to preserve these old values. Some people argue that this is of no importance, as the old values are no longer relevant in the modern society, and that a whole new set of values should be created instead. Personally, I strongly disagree with this point of view.

.... This is well written - it contains all necessary features of a good introduction. Only think I can comment on is the hook. I wish it was more relevant to the topic.

By way of illustration, students were expected to be obedient and respectful to their teachers in the past, and this value is still undoubtedly true nowadays .

"still" makes "undoubtedly" redundant.
This very good writing. Hope you managed time well :)
dumi   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS practice-Government should subsidize traditional arts? by doing what? [5]

No two words, you have excellent writing skills. If you wrote this essay well withing the allocated time, then you really don't have to worry about this task and expect a very good band at the exam. I don't have anything to comment on improvement as I find almost everything is perfect. I only hope you have managed time, if you had a difficulty do all your practice tests with time.

Good Luck!
dumi   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS ,Letter] Apply for a housekeeping position [3]

I am currently preparing the admission exam for the graduate school, so I need some quiet environment to concentrate on my preparation.

I am currently preparing for the admission examination for the graduate school. Therefore, I prefer a quieter environment to concentrate on studies.

I am also pleased with the location, where is near to my university and there are several public bus routes.

I am very pleased with this location and find it is in closer proximity to my university. It also provides easy access to the university via several public bus routes.

And what about the pay, I am afraid that you did not mention it very clearly.

Kindly also inform me the payment that you hope to make for this position.
You write well... Good luck with IELTS!
dumi   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Agree/Disagree? - Secure job with low pay or job with high pay but easy to lose [4]

Nowadays, people are trying their best to chase the pace of the time, to find jobs with high salary. They do that just for compensating soaring living expense or earing a decent lifestyle. However, from my perspective, a low-paid but secure job is better for us because doing this kind of job can spare more time for our families and it also assures a more prospective career.

Here you do not explain the background of the issue properly. You have to educate the reader about the two sides of the argument and then state your opinon.

First of all, a low-paid but secure job contributes to a gratefulgreat family relationshipsconsiderably

Grateful means feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received. Here it is not the appropriate word, but the word "great". Do not crowd your sentences with too many words that do not add any meaning to your idea.
dumi   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl. Should countries engage with others or they should isolate from other countries. [7]

Nowadays we live in a very fast developing world .

Well... not every country is subject to fast development. So I don't see much rationale in this sentence.

Nowadays we live in a very fast developing world .I believe that countries in order to develop should not isolate from the world but instead engage with other countries. I feel this way because countries which are engaged with others strengthen their economy, increase popularity of the tourism and share knowledge and technology with other countries.

.... you have stated your opinion before introducing the background of the issue which is not appropriate. The background should be introduced to the reader before you express your opinion about it. It is always good to conclude the introduction with your opinion.
dumi   
Dec 5, 2013
Graduate / My immigrant parents did an amazing job ; Speech-Language Pathology PS [4]

As a first generation American, my first taste of the communication obstacles that individuals can face related to my parents' bilingualism.

.... This sentence is not completed :( ... What was the obstacle?

As a first generation American, my first taste of the communication obstacles that individuals can face related to my parents' bilingualism. This early experience with communication difficulties paired with my increasing awareness of the different forms that communication disorders can appear, fuels my desire to apply to the Speech-Language Pathology master's program at **********.

I feel this part needs lots of work with regard to clarity. Make your sentences sound simpler and more interesting.

My immigrant parents did an amazing job teaching themselves to communicate with my peers, their parents, and the teachers I had;

Was it your parents who taught you or your parents taught themselves?
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Color Guard: Endeavoring for Perfection/ Perfectly content [2]

Performing a show on a field has established my confidence and drive for excellence

....Hey.... this is pretty confusing for me... I cannot get your idea :(

Standing in front of an audience has been thebest and most frightening experiences of my life.

... well.... the phrase "best and most frightening" isn't really aligned with "perfectly content" . I feel you better rephrase this line.

My train of thought is interrupted by the audience's cheer.

... I like if you now create the scene more actively in the reader's mind;
Then I hear the loud cheer from the audience.
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / " Always be a first rate version of yourself" ; Qualities/Unique Characteristics [2]

In everything that I encounter, being myself has always been my objective

In everything I do, I strive to preserve my originality.

I did not have to duplicate another person's ways and actions and that is why I still persist to be the way that I am today. For me, I distinguish myself from others due to my unique personalities and sedulous attitude. How, you ask? Well being raised in a single parent household,

Before this tell them about one such thing.... when you talk through examples (I mean real life events and experiences) your arguments would be more convincing to the reader. Making statements would not be that effective.
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Some parts of me are that of an Asian girl; MIT/ cultural background and identity [4]

Well, my approach would be that telling them your cultural roots (cultures of your parents) and the environments you grew and currently live. What you appreciate does not form your cultural identity easily. If it does so, then you need to talk through more evidence. I feel it's a bit of a complicated thing to do. However, you can tell them you appreciate those Asian cultures and you knowledge on them have influenced your character.
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Some parts of me are that of an Asian girl; MIT/ cultural background and identity [4]

it seems you have got good substance, but I feel you could have lots of potential for further improvement. You talk about Vietnamese, Japanese and Chinese cultrues. What is your relationship with these cultures? Your parents come from these cultures or you grew up in those cultures? Better you clear that doubt :)
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Everybody is different; "People whose beliefs differ from your own" [4]

I learned that in elementary school. Actually, I probably learned that before elementary school.

.... I wonder why you have these two sentences. I guess one is enough.

Whether it was music, swimming, or being a scientist, my parents were never hesitant in encouraging and enabling me to pursue my passions.

... I feel you should improve clarity a bit;
Be it music, swimming or becoming a scientist, my parents never hesitated to encourage or support me to pursue my passion.
dumi   
Dec 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / Do you agree that every organization has a right to set age maximum for the candidates ? [6]

Hey...don't worry, with practice you'll get over it :D
You need a good hook to start with. This hook should be relevant to your topic and provide an entrance to your essay. Let's take this topic;

Some workplaces set age maximums for applicants even though they are far away from the retirement age .Do you agree that every organization has a right to set age maximum for the candidates ?

.... First, get the main idea of it - this one deals with retirement age! So tell something catchy about that;
Retirement age differs form organization to organization. ... this is more relevant to your topic. Now you can start talking about the background of the issue that how some organization act on retirement age.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / Introduction of essay: How to become a doctor [3]

Most people want to be a doctor, but the competitive examination for being a Medical student in Thailand has high competition rate

Many students dream of becoming doctors, but not every such student would be successful at the tough examination held in Thailand to select the right candidates for the Medical College.

One-third of students who want to be a doctor can passing an exam and they can be a Medical student.

.... can pass
The intake would be only one third of the students who take this examination.

Accordingly, students should prepare themselves while they study in Grade 10.

Therefore, the students need to prepare themselves to face this highly competitive examination from the 10th Grade itself.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Certainly I was ashamed; Recount an incident where you experienced failure [5]

As I opened the locker door, my mind filled with ecstasy as I imagined the smooth and creamy Hershey Kisses melting on my tongue before they had even entered my mouth.

As I opened the locker door, my mind filled with ecstasy as I imagined the smooth sensation when creamy Hershey Kisses melting down on my tongue even before they entered my mouth.

Each locker was left barren of the miniature pyramids and only the heart shaped construction papers with "Happy Valentines Day, from Rio" written on them were left behind.

I feel this sentence is a bit too crowded with too many words ... I wish you rephrased it to enhance its effect.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl ; Independence from parents [2]

First, it is better if you post the prompt together with your essay so that we can understand what it really requires. I guess this is an agree/disagree topic :)

In the following essay I would like to express my opinion in regard to the thesis "It is better to be independent from the parents as soon as possible" .I think this way because people who gain independence early develop a lot of useful skill , they are more responsible and they are free to do anything.

This introduction is not in line with the preferred structure that can help you earn marks.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Jail time or community sevices work' - Ielts essay 02 [5]

First, I have an admin request for you - IELTS threads should be opened in Writing Feedback forum ( I moved this from Essays, Term papers to Writing Feedback)

Overall, I find that you have not provided specific examples for supporting your reasons that you use to justify your position in the body paragraphs.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Scholarship / The last time I visited Medellin, Colombia was the summer of 2011 [2]

The last time I visited Medellin, Colombia was the summer of 2011. The last couple of months had been very roughtough due to the divorce between my mom, and her ex-husband; her and I had a lot of worries on our minds, and we were scared for our future.

Well... are you talking about the time in Medellin was tough due to the divorce between your mom and her ex-husband? I struggle to connect the first sentence with the rest :(

The last time I visited Medellin, Colombia was the summer of 2011. The last couple of months had been very rough due to the divorce between my mom, and her ex-husband; her and I had a lot of worries on our minds, and we were scared for our future. After the divorce we decided to visit our family to take a break from all our worries back in Alaska. When we got there, we couldn't recognize the city, many new buildings had been built, and it seemed like the city was going through a major transformation. We hadn't been there since 2008 when we visited for a last time before moving to Anchorage. It seemed that the atmosphere of the city was one of change, and hope.

Okkkk... when I read the whole para, I think I got what you try to say. But I seriously think you need to improve the flow by attending to the order of these ideas.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should we judge people by their appearance? [9]

Hi,
First of all, I request you to open all IELTS related threads in Writing Feedback forum.

So far, appearance had become one of the most important things in identifying a person.

... your prompt is not about identifying a person, but judging a person. It's better you stay with the prompt.

When our society increasingly depends on material values more and more

... "increasingly" makes "more and more" redundant.
Your introduction is quite aligned with the structure that can help you earn marks. Anyway, have a look at the one we generally suggest;
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : consumers and advertisements [3]

Nowadays, advertisements can be seen in everywhere

Nowadays, advertisements can be seen in everywhere. If you take bus, advertisements will be printed in the surface of buses or the seats where you sit. In the meanwhile people can see them on the lift which you take every day and facade of buildings.

Well this is your introduction and the objective of an introduction is to introduce the topic to the reader. It is not the place for examples.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Essays / IELTS ; Individual greed and selfishness has been the basis of the modern society - write an intro? [2]

Well.... I have helped you to write the introduction in one of your previous threads (I provided the structure for you) Let's follow that structure and construct this introduction;

Greed and selfishness are very dominant features in the modern society that leave many negative effects on people and the world at large. (this is your hook)

Because of this phenomenon, some people believe that we should return to our traditional value system which had a more prominent place for the family and the local community ----------- this is the background of your issue

I too agree with this view and believe it is the best way to live in peace and harmony. .... your opinion ( it can be otherwise if you hold the opposite opinion)

So, put these lines together and make up your introduction.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS (Academic)Task 2- Museums VS. Internet [3]

Furthermore, seeing an art work online is not the same as watching it with our own eyes, as the picture online does not show the texture or three-dimensional structure of the art, which is important in the study.

I guess this is the most important reason why we need to visit museums to experience artifacts. In your body paragraphs you should give specific examples to support your reasons that you use to justify your position in the argument. Here you could have cited some real life example :)
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Talking to a stranger; UfT/ What has inspired you to pursue engineering? [3]

My first thoughts of pursuing engineering came after talking to a stranger. He was a mining engineer who sat next to me on my 11-hour flight from Beijing. He spoke with me about his entire experience with engineering - the typical workday, the advantages, and the future job prospects.

Where did you meet him? Briefly mention the place or event to give more emotions and lively feelings to your writing.

Inspired by his words, I began to look more into this field, and learned that engineering was male dominated.

Was it only his words that inspired you? What did he say? What details of that conversation impressed you the most?
I feel if you answered some of these questions, you could come up with a more interesting and impressive response.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / USC's Department of Spanish and Portuguese ; USC-Academic Interest [3]

Ever since I volunteered abroad to Cajamarca, Peru this summer, I have become interested in helping others, as well as experiencing other cultures around the world. I yearn to learn more about other countries, like Brazil and Thailand, and their languages or their cultural traditions. In particular, after living with a host family in rural Peru for eight weeks, I have developed an affinity for the Spanish language and Latin American cultures.

Well, your prompt is focused on Academic Interests and while I was reading the above section, I wasn't sure that whether they represent your academic interests. What is your major ? Spanish language? Whatever it is, I wish you made a clear connection between the field you are going to pursue at USC and how the program offered by the USC would help you achieve your academic goals.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Science plus my faith is my equation for success: Considering your lifetime goals, discuss [4]

Because, of this phenomenon I am able to marry my experience in my science courses with my practical application in pursuing biomedical sciences in the future.

I too feel your writing is a bit too crowded unnecessarily. This sentence too is a bit overdone. Try to convey your ideas in a more simple manner so that the reader would find it more interesting. When you express your ideas in more complex sentences, the reader would need time and patience to sort out what you really mean. That's too much of work for the reader and surely he wouldn't like it.
dumi   
Dec 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / Does Media Violence Cause Violent Behavior? [3]

. We have always been told that " everything that children see or hear in the media early on in their lives affects them in some way."

... no inverted commas;
We often hear that everything that children see or hear in the media early on in their lives affects them in some way.

We as parents need to take control of the environment for our children as their role models it is in our best interest to get in the role of limiting what they watch, especially when it comes to violent acts.

.... this sentence lacks clarity and therefore your ideas is not conveyed properly.
We, as parents, need to have some control over the environment in which our children grow , especially with regard to violent acts.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Reearing a child in strict or no-rules culture. Discuss merits of both [3]

In the modern world, the prosperity of a nation depends on its citizens.

I think this is not a proper hook that can attract the reader's attention. Moreover, it has less relevance to your topic too.

While children are considered as the future of a country, so a child behavior is very important

.... this idea provides a better hook.... your topic is about child rearing and this has close relevance to that aspect. This is the hook I suggest for you;

Children are the future of any society and therefore it is very important to ensure that they would be properly brought up.
Now you can discuss the background of the issue.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Scholarship / European Joint Masters in Management and Engineering of Environment [3]

Please! Help me with this essay. Some people have helped me to correct mistakes, but i still feel that this piece of writing has nothing to make it differentiated from others. I know that is the problem of lacking of ideas but i don't want to make my essay sound like im exxagerating.

....well, the answers are with you- tell them how your passion for this field began, how you pursued it (education and research) , your future goals and how this scholarship would help you achieve them.

How come a car can be accelerated by diesel? How can electricity be generated from water? These are the types of questions I always asked myself when I was a little girl.

I feel this gives a better opening for your essay. This opens you a more effective passionate hook. After this you can tell them how your passion for this field was nurtured and what actions you took to pursue it.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS (Academic)Task 2- Is advertisement just a form of entertainment? [2]

As more and more companies invest enormous amount of money in advertisementadvertising their products , people start to argue about whether such investment will influence customers' decision making or it is just a type of entertainment.

Well, I think this introduction of the background of this issue is somewhat deviated from the actual one.

If a product is good and can meet people's needs, people will buy it. Advertising in the media is no more than a form of entertainment.

This speaks about the purpose of advertisements and not about company's investments on advertising. I feel you should align your writing more with what your prompt suggests. Also, I suggested you a structure for the introduction in one of your previous threads. As per that you need to have a hook statement which I don't find here. The features of that structure would help you earn marks.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Undergraduate / I love solving complicated math problems ;Academic interests,how I plan to pursue them@USC [2]

I love solving a complicated math problems.

. I remember working through an extremely difficult math problem, finally solving it after what seemed like forever

Why did you include this line in this response? It is almost the same idea as the previous one. Have one of the two in your response as they mean more or less the same.

I remember working through an extremely difficult math problem, finally solving it after what seemed like forever. Solving it gave me this great self satisfaction, and it was then that I decided I wanted to pursue a career involving math and science.

Solving math problems enrich my self satisfaction and it has been the reason why I wanted to pursue a career involving math and science.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Graduate / "The world must feel different by my presence in it"; SOP- Masters in Chemical Eng [4]

"The world must feel different by my presence in it" This is the idea I have believed throughout my life. From the early years of my education, I found myself extremely interested in scientific studies and research activities. To satisfy both these desires, I want to be a chemical engineer and establish a career in chemical industry, so I believe that graduate studies will help me to attain my goal. Thus, I have no hesitation to chase my Masters degree in Chemical Engineering.
A consistently academic atmosphere in my home, provided by my father and mother, was an extremely important factor that helped me to be active in scientific study since my childhood;

... well, I feel you should explain more on how you developed your passion for this field. Do not let your SOP to read as an account of your credentials and experience. Have more emotions into that let it be one that is outstanding the hundreds of other SOPs.

It is helpful to accomplish my career goal, and I can develop my knowledge, gain ample opportunities to do further research, and be well-trained to be an all-around engineer.

I wish you expanded on your career goals. It is an important thing for them to know.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts ;Does modern technology make life more convenient, or otherwise? [5]

In my point of view modern technology made our lifes a lot easier. But to all positive things in life are also some drawbacks.

.... Well... this looks like a direct answer to the question. However, this task is aimed at assessing your essay writing skills.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS academic - increase petrol price to reduce traffic and pollution [6]

Generally, it is easier for you to take one side of the argument and then give reasons to support your position (then support them with examples). That's the easier approach. However, I don't see any harm in taking a moderate stance and support it with reasoning and examples. In such case, what you can do is to have one paragraph for one side of the argument and the other for discussing the opposite opinion.
dumi   
Dec 2, 2013
Undergraduate / A shadow of corruption followed me every single day - Academic Challenge [4]

Overcoming afflictions and not letting things control me has always been a constant and perpetual motive throughout my life. The thought of having the freedom to accomplish anything that I put heart, time, and energy in is what makes me proud of the person that I have become today. The journey to conquer what restricts me defines my ambitions and goals. I not only embrace my past but I also thrive in my present and dream about the future.

This is all good, but I feel this part does not contribute much for your answer to academic challenge you face recently. In my view, you better deal with that question direct . It helps you with your word count too, if there's word count restriction.

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