Undergraduate / Biotech, Dhirubhai Ambani Rural Entrepreneurship (DARE) Young Professional [2]

Hi Parag! Welcome to EF.

I am Parag Kolekar, a post-graduate student in Biotechnology from Shivaji University, Kolhapur (June 2009). I have completed one year P.G. Diploma in Bioinformatics from Shivaji University, Kolhapur. (July 2009) and Post M.Sc. Diploma in Genetic Engineering and Bioprocess Development at M.S. University, Baroda (July 2010). Presently I am working in DNA fingerprinting and hybridity testing lab as a Biotechnologist, Pune. (Right here, add a sentence that has your THEME).

Do you know what I mean? The first paragraph needs a sentence that tells the theme of the essay, the main idea you want the reader to remember about you.

Also, I think you should add a paragraph topic sentence to the beginning of this paragraph:
(Add a topic sentence to tell the reader the main idea of this paragraph.) Right now I am preparing for GRE . I am seeking for Phd scholarship. But when I came across ...

Yet i I am not from a genuine farmer family background, but I know the...

Capitalize "I"

We were joint family until five years ago.

Since then my father (a retired bank employee) took charge of the farm.

My ultimate goal is is to create platform where villagers can benefit from farming so that it would help them to enhance their living standard not only in terms of money but also education and health.----Excellent sentence!

The last sentence of the essay is very good, too!

Most importantly, add those sentences I discussed above.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Internet is valuable information for everyone, if we know how to use it properly [3]

Nowadays, the Internet plays an...

People who have a mobile phone or a computer will be able to access to the Internet for...

There will be many links which are related to the topic, and after we choose the appropriate link ...

If we know how to use it in a proper way, I would like to say that the internet is valuable information for everyone.

The way you are using the word "Internet," it should have "the" before it. If you use "Internet" without "the" it is for referring to Internet service. For example:

The Internet: I turned on my computer and accessed the Internet.
Internet service: At my apartment, we do not have Internet.

:-)

Graduate / "I did not always want to go into medicine" - PA school Admissions Essay [8]

Right. Well... in the last sentence, you can use a comma, because it is a compound sentence:
I believe that I am a good candidate for the Physician Assistant program, and I am excited to start that journey.

This is a very strong essay! The fact that you wanted special ed and switched to medicine shows your thoughtfulness. If you are willing to work hard to make it better, go read 5 recent medical journal articles that interest you. Look at the main idea of each, and see which ones are most important to you. Choose a concept to incorporate in the essay. This will show that you are already reading the stuff that medical professionals read.

The essay is already so good that you need to make that very impressive effort in order to improve it.

The essay should be just as meaningful as one of those journal articles.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-"forest is disappearing but needs to be saved." [8]

one word: cannot
... they cannot be recovered.

In my view, among these natural resources, the forest is the most important one. It provides creatures a an environment to keep ...

In my opinion, forest usually have countless fauna and flora.----This is not an opinion. You can say: In my observation, forests usually have...

On the other hand...

People usually learn lessons from nature by observing the creatures.

To conclude, the existance of the forest can keep ...

Nice job, Yang! I'm glad you joined EssayForum! Please practice by typing the essay again and using these corrections. If you don't type the essay again, you can't learn to fix the mistakes. :-)

Scholarship / PBWC- FUTURE GOALS, HARDSHIPS, LEADERSHIP, and FUNDING [2]

... various remedies to situations haunting societies all over the world.----I think it will be more effective to say something more specific right here.

My major in Political Science will allow me to continue on to law school, become a lawyer, and someday become the CEO of my own law firm. Too vague, too simplistic. This is an underdeveloped vision of the future.

I hope to use the knowledge and skills obtained in the classroom to help people lead a better life ---vague!

A background in International Relations can give me the tools necessary to make educated decisions and arguments in the international community. obvious!

CEO, UN... high aspirations, but no specific intellectual interests, no mention of issues you want to change.

Leadership is the ability to take responsibility and set a good example for the people around you.-----I have heard it defined as the way of achieving organizational goals through the direction of human assistants.

I hope scholarships and grants will cover most of my tuition because I do not want to graduate college in debt with student loans. nobody wants debt, but... wel, you know. Let's not include this sentence.

Okay, bottom line, this lacks substance. It seems like you are just mentioning all the high aspirations you can think of. But with pol. sci. and law as your interests, surely you must be reading some books and articles recently published. You can cite these books and express YOUR philosophy of law, YOUR philosophy of IR. But if you do not know what I mean by that, you need to read some more books and articles. I'm sorry to be critical! You write very well, so I think if you just get some more raw material in the form of things to read, you will be able to get very specific with your goals. Pretend you are already a Phd and you are campaigning for office. What specific goals would you express?

Poetry / "Harlem" by Langston Hughes and "Design" by Robert Frost - comparison/contract essay [3]

Google this:
compare contrast alternating opposing essay

Decide whether you want to use the alternating or opposing type.

Think of this as 2 different essays. Find some points to make about each. What is the common theme between them?

Let's see you start by writing a paragraph about each (i.e. the alternating type). So, write 2 paragraphs right now, and let them be body paragraphs. You can write the intro later.

Essays / A persuasive essay on global warming: need help on the intro to my essay [3]


Ha ha, you know yourself well, and this is a good way to explain how it is for all of us. We need to kick start our brains. :-)

But if you are knowledgeable about global warming, this is easy, and if you are not, it is impossible. You cannot just sit down and write it.

Google these terms:
global warming positive feedback
global warming atmospheric concentration of greenhouse gases
climate change arguments
climate change natural
climate change human activity

Like Nancy said, it is great to use some statistics that you find in these searches.

Also, write some good body paragraphs. Do not try to write the intro until you have written a few paragraphs. :-)

Letters / "I work in the robot age" - About page of personal blog [4]

Life is amazing. Unconceivably amazing. Incredible. One thinks one knows life, and then something new crops up which boggles the mind.---I think the enthusiasm and positive attitude are great, but I want to warn you that these words to not affect the reader the way they affect you. I crossed out the sentences that give "truisms" that do not really mean anything. But I left one sentence alone, because it expresses a unique idea.

Only unique ideas are okay. :-)

EssayForum is amazing, inconceivably amazing. ----This means very little to the reader.
But...
Every time you think you have EssayForum figured out, it becomes something new. ----This is intriguing.

My other criticism is like this: On the Internet, if you say you are going to explain something, explain it right away. Do not invite people to click "About" and then make them read something philosophical and unrelated. Solution:

Switch the first and second paragraph so that it starts with this...
I work in the robot age, where there is we have artificial life and artificial intelligence. What is ...

Writing Feedback / People in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation [3]

I like the way Keng used the word "stay." It is poetic and cool. But for improving clarity, let's make it "live"

...stay live longer than in the past generations.

Only capitalize the first word of the sentence:
First, Advancement advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.

In the past, we did not know about whether materials used are were good or not, and a...

lot of people are were in bad condition.

When it comes to life, we make sure it does not cause us irritated. ---This is a great sentence, but I am not sure what you mean.

You do not have a lot of errors!!

Writing Feedback / Contrasting between two jobs (commuting, hours, job type) [2]

In addition, the second job was closer to me.
In addition, the second job was closer for me.

The first way was actually alright. For someone learning English, it is correct to think of something being closer to me or further from me.

I understand why Salbazili made that change, though! We might say that, in addition, the commute to the second job was as far for me to travel.

Great corrections here! Do you have any questions? Will you type a new draft below?

:-)

Scholarship / "My parents, my supporters" - Cosmetology Scholarship [3]

Jerry, you are a hero. Thanks for helping so much.


This is all meaningless stuff. I am not trying to be a jerk; I just want to tell you something important. Do not include vague stuff like this. Give sentences that tell specific things about your academic and career goals. For example, you can list the specific topics you are studying right now related to your field. But do not say something so obvious, like, "I want to attend cosmology school to pursue my higher education." That is to obvious. You can make every sentence meaningful.

Undergraduate / "my own creativity and analytical thinking to manage business" - F.I.T admission [6]

Yes, the word eager is an adjective. So, you cannot have eager. You can have eagerness or desire, as Jerry said.

Great corrections, Jerry!

In addition to that advice, I want to mention that it will help if you try to express your main idea in ONE SENTENCE and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. By doing that, you'll sharpen the experience of the reader.

I think you should try to type it with all the corrections Jerry made. Do you have any questions? I want to have you practice in the post below by typing it with these corrections.

Jerry, I am going to go see if you have any threads that I can help with. You really did something great here.

Undergraduate / East Meets West - Essay A statement of purpose [4]


Nice! Very clever.


I don't think mainland needs to be capitalized.

My "China and the U.S. Since 1800" history course was the most impactful influential...

This is so impressive! I think the way to make it better might be to tell not only that you want to get involved with international relations between China and United States but also WHAT specifically you want to see happen. You have been reading books and articles about circumstances affecting people's lives, and I think the best way to make this essay more powerful is to share with the reader the goals you have developed based on your reading. In other words, what would you be trying to do right now if you already were an authority in your field?

:-)

Graduate / "Technology draws my attention" - SOP review for MS in Biomedical Engineering [2]

Technology has drawn my attention since I was a child.

Capitalize "I"
When I passed the examination for...

...department which could teach me more about technology, electronics, and engineering.

When i was sophomore at university,i had an operation from on my eye.

Subsequently at 3rd grade, i take I took Introduction to Biomedical Engineering, and afterwards I bought An Introduction to Biomedical Engineering by (author name) to get informed about biomedical engineering and...----Well done!! The reader will be its applications in daily life.This field is a great opportunity for me get a masters degree through implementing my knowledge which i learnt in my bachelors degree.Besides,its purpose, to serve human health, is desirable for me to specialize in this area.

I study my bachelors degree of electronics engineering in a prestigious university ,(college name).Although i took many...---Capitalize "I"

Capitalize: ...and USB usb interface to transfer the data. On the other hand in PC we are designing a

I believe , i have the eligibility I am prepared to be a part of Drexel's program. master student. My determination,energy and high team work rate will make great contribution to projects.After completing my masters degree...

:-)

Graduate / SOP review - Drexel, MS in School of Biomedical Engineering,Science & Health Systems [6]


You are welcome!! Thanks for being here.

This speech These words have affected me for as long as I have known myself.

In addition to this, because of my attitude to in life is about close-range with an heavily influenced by Anatolian culture, I grew...

I was good at Maths mathematics and also physics at high school, I became interested in biology and medicine specifically.

According to moving in this direction, in the undergraduate degree program I took Systems Engineering, Quality Control, Signals and Systems, Signal Processing, Introduction to...

Right after _____ (right after what?), I decided to...

Actually, there is no doubt that Drexel is the one of the most outstanding university universities all over the world. It manifests itself offering a wide range...

Powerful writing here... You did a great job with this essay!!

Undergraduate / "beauties of creation" Is this poetry or it can be used as a admission essay for NJIT [4]

Below is some feedback I started to give in another thread where you posted this essay. Do not post your essay in more than one thread! :-)

Dont' be lazy about capitalization! ---> there is no dedication. my foundation, the choices maid made this present day make me who I am. growing up discipline and hard work was absent in my life.

I squandered away time with distractions. Naming them is unimportant but what is important is that they were there, and it severely affected my actions.

my mother worked many jobs during the day and night to not be able to invest the needed time in my school work; hence I got away with mediocrity. ----I added a semi-colon here, but I won't fix the capitalization! I see that you know you are supposed to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. :-)

Dissertations / MA Thesis - African Americans in the Civil War [2]

Hmmm... you have Internet access, so you can google this: "Civil War" "African Americans"

Do that, and you will get great info!!!
But if you want peer reviewed, scholarly journal articles, use your school database. Or you can pay for Jstor or Questia.

Try Google Scholar, too!

There is a LOT written about African American soldiers in that war.

Now, for the thesis statement of this or any essay, do not try to write the thesis statement until after you have written some body paragraphs. If you try to write the thesis statement first, it is like going on stage to introduce a performer you know nothing about!!

So, write a paragraph about each article or book you find, and based on those paragraphs you will learn what your main idea is.

Google this: argueble thesis

:-)

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]


hahahah, you are great. Well, students can do those things, I suppose.

However, lately I feel very low confident confidence.

I am afraid of my next exam if I have the same episode---Maybe that will happen, but you are still really great. I hope you send a message here to be set up as a contributor, and that will make it possible for you to put EssayForum on your resume. You have helped so many people that anyone will be impressed when they see what you have done here.

So, if you fail again, that is okay.

But for the argument section, be sure to "refute the counterargument." Google that if you do not know what it means.

For both sections, use PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES that express the main idea of each paragraph.

one paragraph = one idea
one essay = one big idea

KEEP THE SENTENCES SIMPLE!!! That is the way to pass.

Essays / Where to start? Essay on educational and career goals / achievements. [9]

You have to start by establishing some goals.

If you had some clear goals, this would be easy.

So, read some biographical info about some artists whose processes are appealing to you, and think about what your goals should be. This essay is going to be very meaningful.

But if you do not do what is necessary, there is no hope! No goals, no hope.

:0)

Essays / Essay Help Start Ideas (two "writer's choice" papers to do) [4]

The fuel for the fire consists of other stuff people have written. the first law of thermodynamics is that energy cannot be created or destroyed. All writing is re-writing. Nothing is new. All you can do is read things that inspire you, and wait for ideas to come.

If you read about the "artist's date" in a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, you will know what I mean.

You need fuel for the fire, so go read something you love.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Whether new buildings should be built in traditional style? [6]

Here is an example to make my point. You made a mistake here, but it is not a bad mistake. When people say "free of charge," it is an unusual way to use English. It is no surprise that you used it incorrectly:

If you can heal it, please kindly inform me with free charge.
If you can heal it, please kindly inform me free of charge.

But I understood what you meant.

Try to think from my perspective. I talk to hundreds of people, and some speak perfect English while other speak "broken" English because they are bilingual. But who are the most helpful, valuable people? I would rather hire a bilingual person with broken English.

Do you see what I mean? Your future is bright.

Undergraduate / "beauties of creation" Is this poetry or it can be used as a admission essay for NJIT [4]

This sentence needs a conjunction:

Without dreams there is no ambition, and without ambition there is no dedication.

Why is this not capitalized?---> my foundation, the choices maid I have made this present day make me who I am.

Capitalize the first word of every sentence:
growing Growing up discipline and hard...
This needs the word during:
During my sophomore year, I had four...

If there was ever a comment one person receives received from another that stuck in their mind, mine would be this comment made to me: "Daniel, if I was to...

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The Internet has transformed lives and economies but it turning the world ... [9]

I pretty much agree with this statement.---I added much, so that this would make more sense, but it still is not a good way to say it. Do this:

I mostly agree with this statement.

Even though it is only a virtual interaction, they makes friends and live as if they are interacting in the real life. ---Study these changes carefully.

Capitalize: invention of the World Wide Web has...

How to take advantage of it and promote it in order to make the world more prosperous is the question we may concern address.

:-)

Writing Feedback / (Elephant) the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? [4]


No, you don't. I can hardly find any errors!

Kathy did a great job, but even some of these comments are not actually necessary. For example:


This is a great idea for some situations, because it is never god to use more words and sentences than necessary. But in this case, it helps to tell the reader that you have 3 reasons, and then the reader will be able to organize her thoughts while reading.

Really, you have almost perfect English.

But why did you separate the first sentence from the rest of the paragraph? Do it the way you did in paragraph 2, where the first sentence is part of the paragraph:

First, in the past, King Phumiphon always rode an elephant not only for battle but for sightseeing. There were wars between Thai and Burma and a lot of high-ranking soldiers ....

Congratulations, Keng. Your hard work has really paid off.And Kathy, thanks!! Without you, a whole week would have gone by before he got help!

One more thing Kathy is right about:
They are capable of bringing...
They are capable to bring...

Undergraduate / "transfer to the Cockrell School of Engineering" - UT STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [6]

Add some meaning here:
To help illustrate my motivation, I would like you to consider this short story of my experience. What is it really a story about? Introduce the theme, so that the reader is ready to appreciate.

A tear stole its way out, trickling coldly across my cheek. ---nice

Closing my eyes completely for a minute, I take a deep breath.---oops, wait a minute. This is in the present tense. So, put that previous sentence in the present tense, too.

I'm pulling into a tuck and my hands are almost over my face as I hit hard metal. Crap! My head is spinning! How did my edge reach my forehead? I guess that's it for today. Lights Out.----I like your style, but some people are not as creative as you. So.. don't use crap. :-)

Well, like always, I advise you to incorporate more discussion of your career plan. If you want the reader to feel pressure to give you opportunities, you should give the reader the sense that you have spent so much time on your plan that you cannot even stop talking about it.

:-) So... tie this in with the plan that makes you so deserving of this opportunity. The theme is easy to apply for your career plan.

Writing Feedback / Topic: "Is the impact of imported food beneficial or not?" [6]

more healthy healthier now.

People used to eat what they have and those foods did not provide as much nutrition as the imported ones.

...revise their products and take them to a achieve better quality.

drinking coffe coffee from Cuba or eating italian Italian pizzas.

You are ready for the toefl. You have very few errors. Just take the test, and move on to focus on your chosen field. Congratulations!

Undergraduate / Music and the Media Arts - Essay For The Art Institute [4]

Yes! :-) Any 10 year-old can say, "I want to be a cop," or "I want to be a music producer."

You have to use this opportunity to show that you have been reading enough books and sitting in contemplation long enough to have formed some short term goals. And have you set some deadlines for yourself? And what goal are you in the process of achieving right now?

Some people are active, and others are passive.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M -- Statement of purpose -- Write about my motivation (too emotional?) [3]


What do you mean? For sure, you should write about your motivations in one way or another.


Great advice, Moon Dan.

What this essay is... it is your self-expression. You get to express the ideas you have gained by reading a lot of books and articles associated with your chosen field. Some kids to not read about the advancements in their chosen field, and those kids are not so serious. Your job right now is to prove that you have something to say, prove that you have ideas.

So... it is up to you. It all depends on how much you have read. And if you feel unprepared, you should go find 3 things to read before starting the essay. i.e. things written by people in the field of biomed engineering.

Undergraduate / "Deep Red Sea" - Drexel University Essay: Creative essay [3]

In a novel, dialogue involves paragraph breaks, like this:
"Oh no, please don't go."
"Why not?"
"Just stay with me."
"Why?"
"Because I need you."
I sit, I walk and all I am capable of doing is think of him. Through the broken glass, I see ...

"Oh, no, please don't go"-----kind of a cliche.

... memories gush through my veins and inevitably inundate my heart. ---Pretty cool! I mean, this is good writing!

Keep the verb tense the same:
I bleed d through my eyes as he stood there by the door; I saw him on the ...

Use a comma after the quoted words:
And I said to him, "Please let me go," but I look around to see that ...

Capitalize this ----> meaning of the phrase, "What doesn't...

Well, honestly, I think this is a bad idea. You write very well, so do not be discouraged! But if they say they want you to write about your choice of major or any other topic, I think it means you should write about your career plan, educational goals, etc. At least write this story in a way that ends up highlighting your educational goals at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / "believe in challenging the status quo" - Showing my Value Personal Statement [6]

Everything I do, I believe in challenging the status quo. ----This sentence doesn't really make sense!

It might be better like this:
In everything I do, I am willing to challenge the status quo. I believe in thinking differently. I never tried to define myself as a "good student" as if I have some privilege in the class to bully or to be superior to others. ----How does being a good student enable one to bully?

It's the way I felt more comfortable; they don't look up to me as a monotonous guy who only sticks up with the words told with the expectations of his parents and teachers or a nerd as stiff as a poker, but they are willingly willing to share their difficulties and joyous joys with me...

...about what's my new ideas for the next project.

I have a dream that one day while us we are walking, birds land on our shoulders for a pad and a corn.
I have a dream that people...---Hey, you can't just steal Martin Luther King Jr.'s strategy of repeating "I have a dream..."

I think you should revise this essay so that it focuses more on your plan, your career interest. This essay should not be about you, but instead it should be about the subject you want to master and the goals you want to accomplish. It should be a statement of what is important, and that means you should stop making claims about you and start making an argument about the importance of a particular effort you want to make in the world.

:-)

Scholarship / My Plan After High School (to be a nurse) [5]

..."You can do it, I believe in you". With my parents giving me that support that I needed I past it! It was a joy to have that lifted off my shoulders.---You wrote almost a whole paragraph about your parents, but it is supposed to be about your plan, right? I think you first paragraph should explain your plan, and the rest of the essay should give all the details.

My sisters I look up to a lot the reason why is because they are very strong women. This is a run on sentence, and also it continues to be about something other than your plan.

Use a comma in this kind of situation:
The two best coaches in the world would be my volleyball coaches, Gomez and Smith.

I don't know what I would do without them. They are the best coaches that I ever had. I think sometimes you give too many sentences that repeat the same idea.

Another run on sentence here:
I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients.

The last paragraph is the only one that really answers the question of what you want to do after graduation. This is more like an autobiography. I think you should get focused on the main idea or theme, and you should give a lot of details, goals, deadlines, etc.

:-)

Undergraduate / "there are people at home waiting for me" - importance driving is a privilledge [3]

Great ideas, Camy!

I have another one here:
...and killed by a distracted driver while crossing the street on a crosswalk. by a distracted driver. This improves the clarity of the sentence.

Use a period:...you knew would grow up to be someone special." According to the ...

... no one is invincible and we must all adhere to the high standards of social responsibility. we have .

Every day is 2 words:
Every day, as I get in my car, most of the time rushing from----------If you use everyday as one word, it is an adjective (i.e. my everyday routine)

:-)

Undergraduate / No: Culture / Creativeness Communication - Topic Ideas for Issue of importance essay [3]


I don't know what you mean by this...

Well, you have a lot of ideas, but none of them seem very solid. You are using abstract concepts. If you said something simple, like... politicians are not making it a priority to give adequate funding for education... that would be specific and clear enough.

You have to make one clear claim, and then argue to support it. Then, explain what someone would say if they wanted to argue against you, and explain why your way of thinking is more correct.

You can't deal in abstract concepts, like creativity, culture, etc. Make a strong argument about one specific issue.

Google this: social issues list

:-)

Writing Feedback / "to consider the limitation of parents" -Parents are the best teachers? [2]

Others, including me, argue that, although parents could play a key role in children's lives, it's a little hasty to say that parents are the best teachers. (Now add a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the essay. You cannot just say, "It is hasty..." as the thesis statement. Add a sentence to the end of this paragraph and let it be a sentence that sums up your whole argument.)

Paragraph 2:
On the one hand, social environment would have impact on the children's lives. We could not deny that ...--Good!

... good teachers at the first, while they could not be the best ones in the entire of children's lives of the children.
or
in the children's entire lives.
or
In the entirety of the children's lives.

In one other words, parents are ...
:-)

Writing Feedback / Investing on public transportation is preferable! [8]


I don't know how to score it, but I can tell you that you are not yet ready to earn a perfect score. You have to practice by typing articles and reading them aloud. For example, go to a wikipedia page that interests you, and read each sentence. Speak it aloud. Type it. Practice slowly for 30 minutes every day. You have to type AND speak the words aloud. It's the only way!

Look at this kind of mistake:

So, these this issue causes...

or

So, these issues cause...

Research Papers / The Fundamentals of Credit - What Every College Student Should Know - English 102 [2]

The big deal is, having bad credit can be very annoying. It can increase insurance rates and interest on loans, decrease loan amounts, and even prevent you from gaining new employment.

Capitalize Internet.

I don't see many errors! This is pretty simplistic, but it is written with a nice style.
Wiki is not usually an acceptable source, but if you use it, capitalize it.

Nice job! If you dig a little deeper and cite a few articles that offer unique insights and strategies, you can make this a great success. For example, read an article written in the past two years about credit cards, and write a paragraph about the main idea of the article.

:-)

Graduate / (background in nursing) comments for Biochemistry MS Program SoP [2]

As a Registered Nurse, I am familiar with human body function and biochemical reaction You can say something more meaningful with the second half of this sentence.

I am eager to extend my knowledge of theoretical and practical biochemistry (Again here, you have an opportunity to say something better... name the specific biochem topics that interest you most.

... in this program so that I will be employed by biotechnology industries and participate in research and prepared to develop cancer treatment medications.----excellent!

In August 2009, I immigrated to United States. During these years, I promoted...

and sterile sterilization technique.

My career goal is to join a dedicated research team in a biotechnology industry that can help me reach my dream of helping more and save the lives of many patients who suffer from cancer.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the career of Interior Design" - AI Application- expectation of your education [2]


This sentence is a little redundant because of the sentence that comes before it.

You have something like 12 sentences in this essay, and the only sentence that answers the prompt is the first sentence of the last paragraph... and that sentence does not even answer the prompt very well! So... even though you write very well, I want to encourage you to take out that irrelevant middle paragraph and start over with a focus on several specific goals. They want to know about your goals. There should be several.

:-)

And that is only half of it! After telling the goals, show that you chose this school because of specific qualities it has that relate to your goals.

Undergraduate / I chose CCSS because I can fit in and it can help me adjust easily being an international student [3]

Yes, correct the capitalization... for example, the acronym:
When my friend recommended ccss CCSS, for me,i I had no idea it was going to be this good, but by the

I also applied this other arts parts of my life, and I was happy with the results.

One thing i know I love doing is reading. You will hardly see me without a book, and if you ever wanted to make ...

...me happy just give me the latest Dan brown Brown novel or an ...

exiting thriller. I also hav e an unquenchable

I don't think you should tell about cooking,, tennis, and everything else. Focus on explaining your academic goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / "your learning experiences in high school" a prompt for a scholars program (TIP) [2]

The subject of this sentence is room, and the room is not trying to stay awake. So, it is a little messed up here:
A sleepy room was filled with hot, sticky teenage bodies did doing their very best to stay awake while a tape recording of Romeo and Juliet played in the background.

I was already past the point of trying to figure out why my fellow peers were barely holding on to conciseness when such a beautiful and moving piece of literature was right in front of them.----How are you using the word conciseness here? Oh, do you mean consciousness? Probably, that is what you mean.

... almost too much to bare bear!?

Use the active voice:
Amidst all the gloomy and reluctant attitudes toward learning, the (noun) was nurturing my appreciation for literature. was being nurtured .

:-)