Writing Feedback / TOEFL: is it better to take several different kinds of job when you are young? [3]

I, as a young man, agree with the assertion that young people should take several different kinds of job before they take a career in a long term.--I added some words.

First, it enriches our life experience and leaves us lots of unforgettable memory memories that help us make decisions about a variety of working positions.

I attended this program for a half year three years ago, being a cook in a Japanese restaurant and a housekeeper in the youth hotel in Australia.-----I added a few words and took out some words that made the sentence too complicated. The reader does not really need to know it was for a half a year.

Actually, I never cooked and seldom clean cleaned my room before I got this job. ---Very good introspection here!!

As a result, from the discussions above, it is easy to see that young people can benefit from ...

Great job!

Writing Feedback / Both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work [10]

Thanks, Ajit!
This will really be beneficial to a lot of people. I'm going to link people to this thread when they want to know about the test.

No need for "the," here:
The Modernization has completely transformed people's perception.

Most importantly, when both genders go to do job work and earn a living, they provide financial security to the family.

Money is a very important thing, without which basic needs can't be fulfilled.--nice sentence

The advantages of the employment trend of both the male and female family members working surely outweighs the disadvantages, which can be controlled and dealt with.

Ajit, I may have mentioned this before, but please check out the contributor page essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / UT Essay - My life and drugs [3]


Wow, very good here...

As my relationship with my father slowly crumbled, my mother began to see other people, and ...---I added a comma.

In the end, I watch as all four of my step-siblings never finish college----It is awkward here, because you can't currently be watching something never happen. It could happen in the future.

... too caught up in partying and the life of drugs, many of the people I knew in high school in the same predicament and I wonder what can we do? ---And here, it becomes a run on sentence. You need to start a new sentence with "Many..."

This essay covers SO many topics... from drugs to family issues to the resolve to finish school... what is the main theme? You sort of decrease the power of the essay by referring generally to "drugs" when you could specify. Good writing is detailed. But as you revise, keep your purpose in mind. What is the main message you want to plant in the reader's mind? Give that message at the end of the first paragraph or at the end of the last paragraph (or both).

Another aspect you might want to revise a little is the way you compare yourself to those lesser students who give in and don't prevail, etc., and you have to catch them when they fall. It is better to talk about your intellectual goals than to compare yourself so much with them.

:-)

Scholarship / Failure is a proof that desire was not strong enough [5]

Great edit, Niesaysi!
Megiacodon, you should type the essay again to practice the correct grammar. Do you have questions?

I agree with your argument.

Here is one more idea:
It depends on what t The goal and the circumstances determine the significance of the role played by desire in achieving success.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ghost: Is it real? [7]

A lot of people are saying, "Ghosts are real, and they back for justice, love ones, and deferred desires. Others conclude that they just come back to haunt people. Whatever inferences have spread out about the ghost, only one thing I want to happen is to see actually a ghost.---Very interesting! You have great ideas.

Even my family, neighbors, and friends are sharing their ideas about souls that are still in these this land of the living.

I am just solemnly listening to them, realizing and thinking about how those ideas are real enough.

I made small changes in all the sentences above. Please type them to practice. Type them exactly as I did, and you will get good habits.

Here is another one:
As a matter of fact, I was always wondering of about it until now. It was about my classmate where soul entered to her body. That was our teachers, classmates, and principal being explained. I was shocked of her acts. She seemed out of herself. Her behavior was not normal. She was so strong and had an uncontrolled moves. I couldn't described ...

She was one of my freind friends. And that time, she was depressed because her grandmother had died.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Is national curriculum best for students? [4]

Thanks, dumi! I'll do the next part:

Apparently, national curriculum provides local school students with standard ...

...mechanically memorize the knowledge rather than having a dialectic reflection on it.
My points of contention involve 3 negative aspects of the homogenization of elementary education, as discussed below.

...demand of memorizing the spelling of their prime minister's name, the requirement of greeting people with smile, the order of

In addition, the similarity of curricula can seriously decrease cultural diversity. ---Good point!

...can easily be guilty of ethnocentrism and forget the importance of diversity."

In China, some regions inhabited by ethnic groups don't have their own privilege to teach the next generations about their our traditions and customs like other regions.

:-)

Scholarship / "to expand my knowledge basis" - Why do you desire to attend college? [3]

Get a great idea first, then start writing.
The ideas you express at first are not worth writing. It is not very impressive to want to expand your knowledge base. You should rewrite this so that it is all about your specific interests. You have to read a few books and articles that interest you. Read for one hour each day, and at the end of the week write the essay again. It will be completely different! But you have to find medical articles written by someone who is working in oncology.

As you enter college, you have to be willing to sit down with a medical journal article about the type of cancer your grandfather had and read all about it. Use index cards, and quiz yourself. Memorize info, and read the work of the physicians that have MOST RECENTLY made research findings. No one is better able to understand those articles than you. Start by reading the "abstracts," and when you get confused, google the words that you don't know. That is your homework for the week -- read one article each night. :-)

Google this: medical journal articles free

Writing Feedback / whether to allocate a huge of money for defense is right policy [4]


Yes, but actually many teachers advise against using words like that in the essay. They say the conclusion should not have words like that. Instead, it should just be written in a way that makes the reader know that it is the conclusion. But what you say is true: if you want to write "In conclusion..." that is the same as writing "To conclude..."

I'll try to help, because Susan is not here today:

However, in my view, there would be a lot of disadvantages would overshadow the advantages above if the policy were to be implemented. come true.

I intend to express that if this police policy were to be realized, its disadvantages would be gre ater than its advantages.
;-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement on "My activities after high school graduation." [3]

As After my bus pulled over in front of my house, I made way to my room, threw my bag on the bed, pulled off my shoes, and I sank into the bed.

I looked at the wall, completely uncertain on about how to start the ...

The job is what you would expect-walking from one computer to another, attending to customers and sometimes babysitting with them to interpret the softcopy that stands stuck on the screen of the monitor. I worked ...----You are switching verb tenses in the paragraph. Within one paragraph, keep it all in the same verb tense. You started with the present tense, so... if you still work there, keep it all in the present tense, or if you no longer work there keep it all in the past tense.

Anyway, I know you already submitted it. That is a minor problem... no big deal.

Capitalize Internet.

I like this: torturous Tuesday evenings ...

You have a great style of writing!

Undergraduate / Chapman essay, the communication program [4]


Capitalize Life as part of the title of the paper.

I don't think graduating college should be on the list. I think it should be an obvious requirement as a stepping stone toward the actual items on your list. The list should have things like, "Revolutionize the practice of brand management by changing the role of social responsibility," or some other interesting, specific goal associated with your chosen field. Don't just say "graduate college." You can aim higher than that. Make it so that the goal is more meaningful than just graduation. Maybe graduation is just a step along the way to achieving your goals, and maybe after graduation you will immediately be interested in working on a masters thesis.

More importantly: use paragraphs! Do a paragraph break whenever you finish explaining one of the ideas of the essay. This essay can have about 3 paragraphs.

:-)

Graduate / DNP - Graduate Nursing Personal Statement (maternal-child nursing) [3]


As I read the intro, I can already tell you are a great communicator. When I get to the end of the intro, though, I have to tell you that you did not establish a great theme.

Use the last sentence of your first para to plant an idea for the reader to consider. This idea you gave at the end of the first para is not one that helps the reader to appreciate your passion for the work, your noble aspirations, etc. Make it so that this essay expresses your unique combination of ideas to offer the field of nursing. What is YOUR personal/professional theme? I am sure you have given a lot of thought to the philosophy of nursing.


When I look at this first sentence of paragraph 2, I think this is not a good first sentence for a paragraph. The first sentence of the paragraph should express the main idea of the paragraph. This sentence should be the second sentence of the paragraph, because it gives an example to demonstrate the idea you express.

Okay, so my advice is like this: Google "paragraph topic sentence" to help you powerfully express 2 or 3 solid ideas that add up to your main idea. Express your main idea, the single idea you want the reader to remember, at the end of the first paragraph.

And what should that idea be? It should be the perfect sentence to express your unique "purpose," your unique approach to nursing.

Another way to express your unique perspective is to cite some research articles and mention some types of research you would like to do. Mention some books and articles that you have read recently.

:-)

Writing Feedback / the consumption of different product + people are born with certain talents [3]

Yep, this is very strong... only people with excellent command of English can write like this.

task 1
If possible, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph that can be like the theme or main, overarching idea of this essay. That is hard to do with this kind of essay, but you can do it. It can be almost anything, as long as it reflects a theme or idea you get from this chart.

clothing/footwear and, the last one, l eisure/education. ---This is superfluous.
clothing/footwear, and leisure/education. ---Keep it simple.

Also, at the end of the last paragraph, I think you should add a sentence if possible. Again, just like at the end of the first paragraph it can be about that theme you use to make the essay memorable.

task 2
Nowadays, many people have been considered very successful in their sport or music careers. Michael Jackson, John Lenon, Messi and so on are good examples to bear in mind.

...they are not worried about damage theirselves themselves. Another factor ...

which contributes to learn faster learning is that they ...

To conclude, after mention the different views we could say that, whether or not talented, people who want to be successful in their career such as music or sport they should enroll in a well-organised program to develop their abilities. It is true that for talented people, improve achieving improvement and success will be easier, but there are many other people who will work hard, and they also will success in that field.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Hiking safety - exam practice [3]

Thanks, Kelly! Hi Jack, welcome to EF. You have written a great essay. I am going to refer people to this page when they need an example of an informative essay with great structure.

"Structure" is the organization of the essay around a powerful, clear thesis statement. The first sentence of every paragraph expresses the main idea of the paragraph. This is very good.

Here is an example of the passive voice: Third, enough water and food should be brought.
When you write, you can usually make it a nicer writing "style" by using the active voice:
Third, we should bring enough water and food.
also:
Apart from these, we should bring some back-up food.

Let's keep it "we" throughout the whole essay. Do not say I, and do not say you.
First, you we should tell yourself ourselves not to panic. Staying calm is very ...

Okay, I am impressed! Read Strunk and White, because you are a natural writer.
Check out our contributors: I'm glad you joined EF...

Undergraduate / Short admission essay "Tell us about yourself" International student needs help [4]

I like this essay a lot, and I think the AO reader will appreciate it. It already is impressive, but I think if you want to make it even better you have to show that you have the necessary attribute for ensuring that you have success instead of having a messed up life. What is the essential attribute? I think the ability to succeed depends on how much time someone spends reading and planning. So, you achieve half your goal with this eloquent discussion of what you want for yourself, but I hope you will achieve the other half by adding a few sentences that tell about your plan, goals for this year, and the specializations that interest you. Show the reader that you are working on a great plan to make a meaningful career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Distance of Family" - Personal Essay - UT Transfer [3]

...acted upon by an unbalanced force." ---Is this really what it says? I don't know if the word unbalanced is correct. Maybe I am wring.

Keep the verb tense the same:
People change when something happens in their life. Perhaps a political event occurs. Perhaps a union strikes in front of the White House. Perhaps a traffic accident is witnessed. Perhaps a long conversation with a close friend provides insight.

Above, I made a lot of small changes.

That "unbalanced force" makes differences in people's life lives by just a thought, no matter if it is a huge dream or a tiny little thought.

Use a comma:
It was real, and it was happening.

Suddenly, all the memories with of my mom and things I had done to her came across my mind; I had not talked to her for months, had not said, "Happy Mother's Day!" to her few weeks before; the time I was inpatient with her hearing impairment and times I felt embarrassed around my parents as all the teenagers did. ----Wow, this is profound, excellent writing. I am impressed!

"Never give up" is my faith.---Excellent. This is one of my favorite essays.

Scholarship / "A degree in Marketing Management will equip me" - why do i deserve scholarship [2]

Great corrections, dumi! I want to suggest this method for writing the age:
I am twenty-two years old, female candidate from a...

Also, in this essay the writer tells a lot about things the reader already knows. Many of the statements are "truisms," so they are not really worth mentioning. I want to have you mention the things that show your potential. For example, what articles and books about management have you been reading? What do you think of "blue ocean" strategy, and what do you think of this new concept, "pluralistic leadership"...? I think the essay should have a paragraph that discusses business strategy, philosophy, and so on, and maybe mentions a scholarly journal article or book.

That is better than telling the reader something like this:
A degree in Marketing Management will equip me with skills and knowledge to achieve my ambition in becoming a successful marketing officer in the very near future. This uses a lot of words to say something that does not need to be said. It is a statement of the obvious. So... do not allow any statements like this to creep into the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / Relate your interest in Georgetown to your future goals and chosen course of study. [4]

Awesome, Eric. Thanks for contributing such great work to EssayForum...

A colon would be god here:
...to one simple thing: Georgetown excites me! ---Hmmmm... yes, but why? It must be due to some interplay of what it offers and what you have established as your goals. The whole thing presupposes that you have begun to make a plan. These essays test you to see how well you are planning your education... and how much you are reading about your chosen field.

As a history major, the number of unique, interesting, and rigorous courses offered is alone enough to encourage me to apply. ---Okay, this is the part I was looking for. Let's hear about the plan...

How could one turn down the chance to study at a school that offers classes in everything from 'History of Baseball and American Society' to ...oh, okay, you win. I was going to criticize you if I could, but you did a great job with that paragraph... very good writing, there.

Did you use "gift" as a verb on purpose, or is it a typo?
...and gifting to me the most ...---I think it is not wrong... I think you can use gift as a verb, but it's just weird. maybe I am wrong... but I think it should just say "giving"...

Okay, well, you did great. By my method of judging these things, I think you scored a 9 out of 10. You would get a 10 if you specified a few more short term goals and an even more detailed plan.

You are a great writer!

Research Papers / How does industrialization affects environment (disadvantage) and economy (advantage) [6]

I bet there is a Wikipedia page that explains industrialization.

If you start there, you will find a lot of topics to search for in your school's library database. Find articles all about industrialization.

You do not have to read whole articles. Just read the abstracts and introductions, and skim the rest.

:-) The articles can provide ideas, just like Tong Gao did. So, do not feel like this stuff is too difficult for you. You can do it!

Writing Feedback / teacher should not talk about their own political view , agree or disagree. [3]

Hi Roxina, you have to type it again, and use the corrections dumi provided. They are very good! You have mistakes that you can only overcome if you practice typing it the right way.

It is obviouse obvious that teachers are part of human society who can commit the same mistakes as all other people. This means teachers should not impose their own ideas on their students.

Good sentence: Let's assume that a teacher political views is that all of the congress man and politician of their society are corrupted thieves who dose not do anything besides ripping people off. If this teacher impose his/her biased view on students, it will impact their beliefs for a long period of time. It can leave them with anger and hatred towards politicians.---I made a lot of changes here, so practice typing it this way. Practice 10 times! :-)

Also, I want to mention that Professor Noam Chomsky is one of the most famous teachers of modern times, and he actually does seem to believe that the politicians are all ripping people off! :-) But he teaches at the college level. Perhaps at the college level it is okay to express personal beliefs, but not at the high school level?

Finally the most important reason that teachers should not expose students with their own personal ideas is that , It can waste students' valuable time and energy during their classes .

Notice the difference:
I have many wrong beliefs.
I believe I have many wrong beliefs.
People often believe liars.
People develop beliefs about their work.
...for teachers and students to keep their own belie fs personal and not talk about...

them insides the classroom otherwise students will suffer the bad consequences resulted from getting exposed to the wrong direction by a biased point of view which can leading to wasting their time for studying and achieving their academic goals +.

:-)

Scholarship / "In 10 years, what do you plan on doing with your experiences..."-Essay help. [3]

I guess you already submitted, but for whatever it's worth I'll correct a few errors:

We all have goals, and ambitions we plan on doing fulfilling, which ---You cannot "do" ambitions. You can fulfill them, though, I think.

This is a run on sentence: Ten years ago, I only thought about the present today I think about the future. ----put a semi-colon after "present."

Actually, it is better to think about the present than about the future. You were doing it correctly ten years ago!! :-)

In order to achieve this, I will apply my leadership skills, and academic experiences. ----Whenever you see that you have written something vague, like this sentence, you should go back and replace it with a sentence that has specific ideas, like the specific ideas you will offer after you have become an authority in your field. The best advice I have for you is like this: Read a few recent journal articles about the areas of specialization that interest you, and mention some of the specific, current topics. Show that you are already jumping into the field. :-)

Undergraduate / "The moment I am out of the World" - topic of your choice, Ohio Wesleyan Uni [3]

...couldn't help the shouting. Yes they stretched their hands just to touch my shirt. It was a standing ovation. Everybody was happy for the giant accomplishment in Medicine. Few steps to the podium the commentator looked at me and said, "This is one giant step for mankind; it was because of People people like this Alfred Nobel introduced this prize." But just as I was about to be handed the trophy I heard my brother say, "Promise, you are late for Sunday service." (Maybe you should add a sentence here to confirm for the reader that you are talking about being brought out of a dream. It is a little confusing... but I like it! I understand what Kelly meant; something is "off," but it is just that a few sentences are unclear. For example, "couldn't help the shouting" is not correct or clear. Who was shouting? Write that sentence differently, and I think this paragraph will be okay.

wants me to take over from my maternal grand father who was a Mathematician. -----Er... yeah, it does not make sense for them to want you to do what he did instead of what you will do. The big mistake is to try to try to live on vicariously through a kid's career...

But all the difficulties have made me inseparable from Medicine. ---It is better to say a particular specialization instead of referring generally to medicine. Naming a specialization will show how much you have been reading.

I think you are doing very well!

Undergraduate / "there was a car accident" - UNCW application essay, very emotional event [3]

...stopped to help, expecting to simply help someone make phone calls or calm someone them down until help arrived.

Wow, excellent... you have been through some experiences, haven't you. I think the reader will definitely know you are serious and that you have perspective.

I guess my advice is like this: Take out some story, and add some references to theory -- to recent research, books, changes... anything to show that you are already reading what health professionals read and selecting your areas of specialization. Show what you have been reading. :-)

This is already very good, though.

Scholarship / "travel and the experience of other cultures" REVIEW OF MY Statement of Purpose Essay [2]

Oh, I hope you achieved your goal in the 45 minutes!

Is it already submitted?
I wanted to mention that the first sentence of the essay is not interesting. Your job is to tackle the reader's attention with a first sentence that is very, very interesting.

Otherwise, the essay is not read with as much attention...

Ever since childhood, I have been fascinated by travel and the experience of other cultures. I have traveled a fair amount in the past but I am very excited about my opportunity to travel to Costa Rica for a four week intensive study abroad program. This opportunity will be

The chance to study Spanish in this setting will guide me towards my goal of being a successful business owner in Southern California.----When you express a goal this way, it is too general and simplistic. You should specify the type of business that interests you. If you have been reading books and articles about business admin, management, leadership, etc., then you will have specific interests and plans.

A little too much "I believe" here---> I believe that the intensive Spanish education program will help me to become a better student as well as a more responsible professional. I have huge goals and ambitions to one day own a custom jewelry design company. I believe that ...

There are many reasons for which I would like the opportunity to study abroad, but the reason that has been my driving force is to improve the outcome of my personal, educational and professional future. ----Here, again it is too general. I think you are going to make a good impression, because you write well and that will show them that you THINK well, but in some places you refer too generally to the goal of "owning a business" or "improve the outcome of my professional future"... that is to general. If you tell them you want to enter a particular kind of industry, and mention a specific business idea you have... that is what shows real motivation.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Watching the Ultimate Fighter" - Rough Draft UFC - need intro paragraph [2]

You need to use commas in places like this:
...are the two UFC coaches left, and two fighters left, one of which will be champion and receive a one hundred thousand dollar UFC contract, fulfilling their dreams.

And here you have a run on sentence:
Jujitsu is not an aggressive form of martial arts it is a defensive one.
You should put a period after "arts."

For your intro paragraph, try to write a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay, something great! Try to express your whole message in a single sentence, and use that sentence in the intro.

Undergraduate / "a top-rate education in international business" Common App - (Only applying for NYU) [3]


tree three

One day while sitting in Washington Square Park I saw four NYU students, two Asians, a European, and an African speaking in broken English about the U.S. economy. Although I could not hear the entire conversation, they were ultimately complaining about an assignment a professor gave, which made me wish I was one of them. I, for some reason, thrive in an environment with colleagues who are from around the world.---oh... beautiful.. I like it a lot. Please move this to the top!!Make this the beginning of the essay.

As a Chinese girl growing up in Venezuela I was not accepted by my peers. During the summer my mother and I would visit relatives in Guangzhou and Hong Kong, and I was always looked upon as an outsider. Almost two years ago when I moved to New York, I finally felt accepted by others. I no longer had the feeling that I was straddling two worlds. ---Very good, here... This is excellent writing.

Okay, I don't want to give much advice, because you are as eloquent as I am. Just experiment with putting these in a different order. I mean... put the paragraphs in a different order... with the powerful ones first!

Cut the first sentence of the essay, and replace it with a sentence about what you see when you look into your future.

:-)

Book Reports / Critical Lens Essay of the books Of Mice and Men and A View From the Bridge / Religious Involvement [4]

Hi Noah, I'll tell you my strategy:

Go to sparknotes, and really enjoy the analysis of the story.
Then, write a paragraph about something that involved religion in the story. What religious ideas affected those guys?

Just read a little and type a little. You can do it! Writing is weirdly energy-draining, or ... like... it's weirdly difficult, but just get started. Allow yourself to type. Allow yourself to say something about the story. That is the discourse.

Undergraduate / Music and the Media Arts - Essay For The Art Institute [4]


This is not sufficient.

If you want success, Lakeisha, you have to set 5-10 short term goals, with deadlines for yourself, and you have to envision the reality you're trying to create. If you just say you want to work at a major studio, it means you are not actually strategizing. --Is that even a real word? Strategizing...

You need to make a plan
the things I need to succeed in any career I want to do.
It's okay if the plan changes, but make one right now, and act.
:-)

Writing Feedback / students' competence at all levels of the Malaysian education [6]

Well, let's see.. I'll show you some ways to improve.

Do not say "reasons" which "cause." This is confusing, but reasons do not actually cause. Circumstances cause. Factors cause.

So... do this:
One of the main reasons factors which caused Malaysian students to b e unable to capture the abilities required at the workplace is come from themselves.

.. in working all contribute to this factor. ---Oh, here is the word factor. Very good!

Verb tense problem:
Besides student, unsuitable technique of teaching also can caused cause the student does not have to lack the ability to work in reality.

The loose absence of rigor in the management ...

As we can see, nowadays the syllabus in our education system covers a narrow range of topics compared to others.

Yes, add one more sentence to the end of the conclusion paragraph... let it be a sentence that sums up the whole essay, or maybe a sentence that adds some "extra" idea for the reader to think about.

You write very well with only small mistakes!

Undergraduate / "the biological side of science" - UBC supplemental application prompt 1 [3]

I moved the other essay to its own thread. Start a new thread for each essay.
Thanks for joining EF! I'm glad you are participating here.


No good! Boring and not very meaningful. You need to punch the reader in the stomach with your interestingness. :-)

What is life? How does it work? The answers to these questions lay within biology.---Again, too obvious. You should explain several goals you have set for yourself as you enter into your area of specialization. Whose work do you admire most? Which professors at this school to which you are applying have written some great books? Research the school, and show the details of your plan.

I harbor a passion for the workings of life and my curiosity about it is undying. ---See, you write very well, but it does not have meaning. There's the rub. I know you are using your talent to express something meaningful about bio, but i suggest focusing on sharing your short term goals and recent, proactive research. :-)

Undergraduate / Magnificent and intricate structure of a cell [3]


That's okay! But in the future, please start a new thread for each essay.

This second essay you wrote is pretty strong. It shows your intelligence... but I think you can do better. You can let this discussion progress into a discussion of books and articles you are now reading as an extended result of that experience. Show that you are reading journal articles and books. :-)

The last sentence is not really very helpful. It is a statement of the obvious. Just have a great day, and wait for a perfect replacement sentence to come to mind.

Undergraduate / "my own willpower to obtain it" -Transfer to HY, Brown supplement, something missing? [3]

Wow, you did a great job with the storytelling. You are a writer, for sure.
It is good to do a line break so that the dialogue is clear:
...supposed to, and I'll still have Ole Mi-"
"No, no, not like that. What if you do get in, doesn't that kind of scare you?"
I still didn't quite get it. "To be honest, it would be a blessing."

They were used to always having...it's time to get up." For the rest of the day, I was on my own. Getting dressed and going to school were my responsibility and if I wanted breakfast or lunch, I would need to make it myself. This part is all smug sounding. IT is not going to make the reader actually think you are more self-reliant than others. It just shows that you like to think you are special, as we all do. So, this part does not have the intended effect, I think. But you are a great writer, I'm not criticizing... just suggesting a different approach... an approach focused on your short term goals and career interests, etc. Show them your plan.

Writing Feedback / A Great Nation = the general welfare of all its people [2]

It refers to a notion that what is known as "welfare." For my part, welfare is often indicated by healthy care, job, retirement, education, safety, the quality of living, the quality of environment, the cultural richness, and so on.

In other words, people enjoy their welfare because of the achievement of these rulers, artists, scientists.---Oh! Good point. I am impressed. Achievements are fundamental to welfare, a prerequisite for it. But then again, welfare is still the best indicator, because any achievement that does not lead to the welfare of the people is not serving the purpose of government.

You do make a great argument. However, in the final analysis you must consider that the purpose of government is to benefit the people, and the "nation" exists because a government has been set up, so... in the end, I think the best indicator is still the welfare of the people.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the exciting new realm of social networking" - why you want to transfer to Cornell [3]

I stared at this top part for a long time. I am afraid it is info overload for people who read a lot of essays. But with a subtle change, you can make it awesome:

Subject: The Road Less Traveled- San Blas Islands, Panama

So it looks like this:
6-10-2006
Message: Dear Mia, Hola! We're excited to confirm your enrollment in our summer-service trip to the San Blas Islands! Grab your work gloves and get ready for the experience of a lifetime!

Don't use more commas than necessary... they are like stop-and-go traffic.
As a fifteen-year-old, and now as a freshman in college, my interests... in fact, you could write this sentence without any commas. But I like it this way.

depth knowledge of the concepts for which one advocates. -----Okay, well, the essay does not really say much about theory that underlies the work... does not really have anything about research studies or books you have been reading. This essay is impressive and persuasive, but I think you can make it even better with more discussion of research... for example, ethnographic studies... and any books or articles that help show your intentions and plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "what else it has in store for me" - Autobiography essay [5]

This part is worded in a bad way:
It was a memorable year for so many people because it was the day ...-----it was a memorable year because it was the day... that is not good, because it sends a confused message. Simplify! :-)

... most beautiful creation that God created. ---A little clunky here. It's always awkward when you talk about a creation being created.

Right here it is mixed up, too... they are not her grandchildren: My daughter has a wonderful husband with two beautiful grandchildren. ---So, you should change this so that it specifies children instead of grandchildren.

At the end, it seems like you are just writing whatever comes to mind. That is not so bad, because you have a lot of great ideas, appreciation, and a nice way with words. But with any essay you should use a theme. Make it so that there is one central message or lesson. And don't just make it something simplistic, like, "God creates beauty in our lives." It should be something slightly different from what people have heard... your own special way of explaining an important insight.

Share that theme at the beginning and also at the end. :-)

Undergraduate / "After my fathers death..." - Inspiration essay - UF [4]

Great thread here... I see that Jerry already caught the urge/verge mistake. Good call.

And Camy has been doing a lot of great work, too. Thanks, everyone.

...as many lives a day as he could as possible was his goal each day, which is why he inspired me.

apostrophe: by today's

...were the three words he had told me the night before: for your heart.---Not sure what you mean by this.

Excellent essay! I hope you have a lot of success as a cardiologist. I am a big Deepak Chopra fan, and I think he went into medicine because of inspiration from his dad, too. His dad was a cardiologist. Even if you end up practicing other kinds of medicine, all your work will be adding meaning to your father's life. So, you are doing a great thing!

Undergraduate / "Journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step" - highschool experience [4]


Let's replace these words with something that is not a cliche. This is the most important part of the whole essay... it should express the idea beautifully.

short little speedo that exposed my pail legs, and I th ought everyone was going to laugh at me.

Capitalize: ...and screamed, "On your marks, get ...

Again, at the end, light at the end of the tunnel is not a good theme. Sorry to criticize it, ha ha, but I think you can make a better one.

:-)

Scholarship / My Dad - family member that has been influential in your life [2]

Verb tense problem here:
He works every day for 12 twelve hours, including weekends, and it has been this way throughout my whole life.

Although he works his butt off, he comes home every day in a great mood and tries his best to make it out to all of my athletic and academic events. This is redundant. You already made the point. Use this space to mention something about how his influence helped you determine your current goal. Having current goals is impressive. What are they?

I could never thank him enough in words, so I thank him in my school work. ---excellent!!

Thanks for joining essayforum!

Writing Feedback / SAT essay, can we fuse the ideas or just choose one side when offered the choice? [5]

Excellent advice, Sean. We are really lucky to have your participation!

Catherine, great question! I think this is where the grading might be unfair, because maybe the most sensible answer is indeed a merger of the two. But in order to be dynamic and take a stand, follow Sean's advice and pick one. After picking one, you can make your brilliant analysis which involves explanations about the presence of elements of each.

Undergraduate / Extenuating Circumstances, "ready to move into my major specific classes" [6]


Well, I'm glad you are here! Do not be self-conscious, because if you are fearless you empower others to be fearless in sharing their work with you. When you notice that self-consciousness is just a manifestation of the ego, you become fearless and uninhibited!

The beginning is not meaningful. It is well-written and shows your intelligence, but to say "cutting edge," etc., does not help. This is the good part:

solid state memory devices and integrated circuits. ----This shows something about your plan. The reader is impressed if you have a plan and strong intentions.

Body 2 ---excellent
Body 3---excellent, add one more sentence.

Body 4---applies appeals to me, not only because of ...

Your school's firm moral belief in honesty, hard work, and goodwill summarizes what I want from my education as well any career that would result from it. ----I don't know if I believe this. I think it would be more powerful to talk about the great work of one specific prof whom you admire.

In the intro and conclusion, try to use a theme that pertains to your interest in solid state memory devices and/or the work of a prof from whom you look forward to learning.

You write very well!!

Writing Feedback / How young people's behaviour is influenced by their peers [5]

There are v
Various factors are influential in building one's character and behaviour.

The roles of family, peers and environment can't be neglected in this regard.

Moreover, they always try to brought bring up their child in the best way by keeping him away from all those negative aspects that can spoil him. ------See what Sean meant? If you say "always try" you have to use the present verb tense. "Always try to bring" ... "always tried to bring..." always will try to bring"...

However, they always remain worried by when letting their children embarked into the life activities in their absence.

... kinds of people belonging to different backgrounds. In fa ct, this is the stage when a person ...

other people.

The novice child is completely unaware of the people around him.
The exposure of youngsters to the world, whether it is for the purpose of acquiring education or playing games is inevitable .----Great sentence! But you spelled some words wrong.

Apostrophe:
Certainly, this deep effect of peers' company is ...

Great job! The mistakes are minor. The style is enjoyable to read. The only complaint I really have is that this essay has a simplistic message. You could give a message that is more "arguable," which means it is something not everyone would agree with. It is important to write an essay that has a message that is not just an obvious "truism."

Anyway, you are doing very well! I don't know how to rate you for ietls...