Writing Feedback / Review my essay on working homelessness [2]

@colleengeraghty
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors. If it is, don't hesitate to approach us for additional input on your writing. We're always happy to give out assistance!

The introduction of that first paragraph needs to be more substantive. Remember that, from the get-go, the first sentence should be a briefing on what the readers will anticipate in the latter parts of the text. Something that is more symbolical, so to speak, will fit into this portfolio. You need to establish a goal in mind prior to writing everything down, especially because this is how you'll be able to transition better into the core substance of your essay.

In your third to the last paragraph, it can be clearly seen that you failed to integrate the sourcing/referencing material in a more strategic manner. Using it twice consecutively will not give you anything beneficial, especially because it may just appear to be repetitive without having a substantive approach to the written text.

Remember that formality is essential when writing. Always double check the technical viewpoints of writing: the transitions, capitalization, usage of references, etc. These are all very important to the composition's standardization.

Undergraduate / Dumpling of My Life - FSU Essay [2]

@koowilliam01
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing! Let me know if this has been helpful for you.

Firstly, I appreciate the creativity of the composition. Surely, this makes you stand out because you were able to integrate such an innovative approach to relaying why you are interested in the field. I think that, generally, what you can improve on is the way that you transition into the core messages of your writing. For example, after giving out all the steps, I noticed that you did not jump right into a brief explanation as to why this part is important for the rest of your writing. This is essential: remember to always give out reasons afterward as to not confuse the readers.

Furthermore, the other parts of the text have to be treated with an academic profiling in mind. The last paragraph, in particular, already appeared to be rather informal. This makes it even more so difficult to grasp the entirety of the messages, especially because you need to standardize everything in a more particular and engaging manner.

Scholarship / "action at home" - influence on people's lives through orphanages (leadership essay) [3]

@Nana Byl
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will help you enhance your writing to boost your chances with the Chevening. Please do not hesitate to approach us should you have more questions.

Firstly, I agree that the length is rather too much, especially for the nature of the essay that they are demanding from you. I have one primary observation with regards your writing, and that is the fact that you were consistently over stretching your explanation throughout. There were a lot of unnecessary details that could have been omitted in your essay. For instance, the paragraph that were simply about the results of the project contained 80% of inessential facts that could have been made into a single concise sentence. Always, always avoid giving out these specific details, especially because they are not to be the core value of the essay.

Try to replace this part with a more conclusive end paragraph. Give out a core value, discuss it in relation to your experiences, and tie them altogether with the goals of Chevening. If you are able to articulate everything precisely why these values are interrelated, it would definitely improve the structure of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing essays on "Artificial Intelligence" and its effect on human [3]

@snowflake817
Hi. I will check this written work of yours. I hope that my feedback becomes helpful for your writing goals!

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is alright, try to enhance the flow of writing here by incorporating a stronger thesis statement. There was also a logical jump between the first sentence to the second one, making them appear to be rather apart from each other rather than interconnected. Try your best to stitch these two together by inserting a brief transition sentence in between, creating a more fluid approach to writing.

When it comes to the succeeding paragraphs, I find that you needed to explain things a bit more to add depth to the writing. Bear in mind that you should consistently try to back everything with concrete data to capitalize on the potential of your writing.

With regard to the conclusion, you seemed to be lacking that genuine analysis that is sought after. You merely summarized things without giving a proper context on what is truly the core value that is derived from your writing. Bear in mind that you should always and always stitch together the main thoughts between all of these paragraphs to come up with a more structured response.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Imperial College London -Masters in Materials Engineering (comment/criticize) [4]

@itoffi3
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing to better your essay.

First and foremost, the first paragraph is quite put-together. I appreciate how you had integrated a smoother writing approach that does not clutter the main idea of the text. What I do recommend, however, is switching where you put your thesis sentence in. I found it midway through the first paragraph, whereas it should have been in the initial opening parts of the content. Please do keep in mind that putting this main thought bubble earlier will help guide readers to avoid confusion in what you are intending to relay as a message.

What I find generally confusing are the third paragraphs onward. It seems as though the method of writing in this part was no longer sequential, making it appear like a messy timeline more than anything else. Always try to avoid these instances because you will not benefit from them in the long-run. Try to always stick with a specific format before anything.

Scholarship / Chevening Career Plan essay - Educational Technology [3]

@ntlinhtran
Hi there. Thanks for being in the forum. I will provide you with feedback that'll hopefully help you in your writing endeavors for this essay. Please do not hesitate to approach us should you have more questions.

Firstly, that first paragraph needs to have its sentences trimmed a bit more. If we take a look at the first paragraph, it was quite obvious how you could have opted to separate the different thought processes that exist in the first paragraph. What I do recommend is if you are able to show in this part a single cohesive theme that will be reflected throughout the rest of your writing.

Furthermore, the next paragraphs also need to be treated with the same regard. The second paragraph, for instance, needs to be compartmentalized a bit more. For example, if in a specific part of the text you aim to tackle education, try sticking with an umbrella method. Try to give out a line that will reflect this before slowly moving into specifics. If you can do this, it will help you writing tremendously in the long-run.

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation Causes and Solutions; imbalance of employment opportunity and educational resources [3]

@roswita116
Hi. Thanks for consistently being in the forum. I hope that this feedback helps you!

I appreciate the approach you had implemented in writing the first paragraph. This portion was compact, and yet it gave a great idea to the readers on what to anticipate.

I think that what you can do to improve the body paragraphs would be to focus on prioritizing information. This paragraph was packed with unnecessary details that may be inessential in the long-run. In this part, it is noticeable how you had integrated quite repetitive thought processes, making your writing appear to be rather flimsy. Try to focus more on what precisely they should anticipate in your messages.

Furthermore, the third paragraph also needs to be treated with the same regard. However, on top of it, I recommend trying to substantiate here with more concrete data to help your readers understand the grounded nature of your arguments.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship essay: Networking with work related professionals by using LinkedIn and Alumni [2]

@Iqbal3993
Hello there! I will do my best to help you in writing. Don't be afraid to approach us again should you have more questions.

While I appreciate the introductory paragraph or sentence, I think that you could still improve this part of your essay if you integrated a briefing on what you will be discussing in the latter parts of the text. Just a quick summation on what they should anticipate from your text can be helpful for your case. This also helps enhance the overall appearance of your written work because it gives readers a more structured format to follow in your essay.

In the second to the last paragraph, it would be great if you can quantify your successes. This is one step that is often overlooked by other applicants. What will truly boost your application is if you can properly give the evaluators an idea of why you believe that this is a form of success.

Your concluding paragraph should also be treated with the same regard. Try to expound properly this portion to ensure that you are delivering the message with ease.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Personal Statement (Applying for Ph. D. in the field of China Studies) [3]

@Jennifer3086
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum, and welcome! Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing. Please do not hesitate to approach us once more for more information.

First and foremost, I truly like the manner that you write your essay. The approach is very personal and yet comprehensive enough to be technical and professional. Do keep this up!

What I do suggest is to try to compartmentalize your writing in a better light. For example, while the second to the last paragraph was an excellent showcase of your skills, I found that you needed to compress the details a bit more to ensure that you are delivering the message both with clarity and prioritization. In this part, try your best to get a core value and basing all of your written work in accordance to such. Doing this will help improve the writing's technicality and appeal.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Ownership makes leadership - Chevening - Leadership and Influence essay [2]

@pionpt
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum. Wish you the best of luck in your Chevening application!

First and foremost, I appreciate how straightforward that first paragraph/sentence is. You were also able to provide a summation on what they should expect on the next parts of your work. The next great thing that you can do is try to explain everything with a core value in mind. When you're trying to introduce the idea of leadership, what specific trait comes along that would make it an efficient type of leadership? If you are able to integrate something more substantive like this, it would truthfully help improve the standing of your writing.

Furthermore, the second paragraph appears to be rather messy. While I understand that you were trying to explain how the workings themselves functioned in this setting, it could have been better if you made this into a more brief explanation. Remember to explain things in the most concise way possible, then merge it with your current third paragraph to create something more comprehensive.

Writing Feedback / Money for professors should depend on performance of their students [4]

@drive
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, that first paragraph is too rigorous. What I would recommend is trying to compartmentalize the second sentence into something that's short and sweet, especially because you are working with such heavy-handed words. If you are able to do this, the thematic presentation of what you are going to discuss in the latter parts will be easier to understand from the perspective of the writers themselves.

Furthermore, the second paragraph needs to be tailored in the same regard. The first sentence appears to be too lengthy. The third sentence needs to be cut down into three different ones. Try to evade being repetitive with the thought process as well as this will not give you anything beneficial in the long-run.

If you can trim down the body, you will be able to have space to balance out the conclusion of the writing. This is a critical step as it will enhance the overall appeal of your writing.

Scholarship / Business Management (finance) - scholarship study plan [2]

@vanya1999
Hello there. Thanks for coming to the forum. Hopefully, this feedback will help you learn more.

First and foremost, while. I appreciate the first paragraph, it is noticeable how you could have shortened and created a brief version of this text. Remember that it is critical for you to write everything as concise as possible, especially when you're working within word counts.

Furthermore, the latter parts of the essay contain minor mistakes when it comes to the subject and verb agreement. Always check the technicality of your writing.

When you're trying to explain specific courses, stick with the core values that they teach rather than a generalized writing approach to everything. Bear this in mind when you are writing.

Writing Feedback / Luck and accomplishments - what matters? [2]

@Mia Nguyen
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback somehow helps you in your writing endeavors. Please do not hesitate to approach us for more input on your writing - we always love to help!

Generally speaking, your writing composition in terms of technicalities is put-together. I couldn't find flaws that were distracting or that made it difficult to comprehend your text.

What I do recommend is trying to keep your writing more balanced. If we take a look at the conclusion, it seemed to still be lacking answers to some fundamental questions.For example, try tackling here why the first sentence of the paragraph is a justifiable approach to writing. If you are able to do this, you will surely have a more integrated and sophisticated approach to writing.

Scholarship / Studying in the UK Essay: Why these Schools Resonate so Deeply with my Future Aspirations [2]

@kaybee19
Hi there! Thanks for coming back to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how improve your essay writing. If you find any of this to be helpful, don't hesitate to approach again!

Firstly, I really do like the way that you introduced your essay. Because you were able to introduce a core value that you wanted to showcase your dedication it, it definitely strengthens and ties everything together. I think that what is primarily missing from your text is the fact that you were unable to tie your paragraphs to these values. After giving a briefing of each university and course, try to always insert a small explanation that will expound on this thought.

Furthermore, the last conclusive paragraph can still be improved if you were more specific and targeted with your goals. Remember that having a word count should allow you to be more focused on prioritizing details more than anything else.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Leadership Essay: The Silent Trials and Burdens of Being a Leader Today [2]

@Freshguy
Hello! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, this feedback will enlighten you with your writing endeavors. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to reach out again to us for additional details.

First and foremost, the first paragraph needs to be compartmentalized a little bit. It is noticeable how it seemed as though this portion was mainly comprised of run-on sentences that should have been made into smaller chunks of text.

If we take a glance at your second paragraph, the same issue persists. Try sticking with smaller chunks of text rather than having everything out in the open. It would help your writing if you can focus more on specific details rather than having everything scattered and out in the open. Try to also omit parts of the text that are not necessarily important for the development of the messages of your essay. If you have a more dedicated approach like this, it will surely help improve your writing by tenfold.

The last paragraph also needs to be expounded a bit more. Remember to not only introduce why your values are important, but also try to make the readers understand how the values of the Chevening align with these thoughts.

Graduate / Personal Statement: M.Eng Aerospace Engineering (McGill Mastercard Foundation) [3]

@drae_whiz
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us again.

First and foremost, while the introduction was a great and yet simplified approach to introducing the entirety of the text, I find that the initial portions still need a bit of tailoring to ensure that you are delivering the message with sufficient clarity. It would be better if you had already introduced the fundamental core idea that you want to promote in your essay from the get-go. Doing this will surely boost your delivery of the message.

Furthermore, the latter portions need to be prioritized and compartmentalized a bit more. If we take a look at your third to fifth paragraph, they should be compressed altogether to ensure that you are delivering everything with ease. Remember that having a composed approach to writing will go a long way.

Always go back to the core value that you're promoting when discussing specific experiences taht you have garnered from the program. Doing this will give readers a better briefing as to what you are truly trying to utter in the texts you have provided.

Undergraduate / Videos and games - Commonapp: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea [4]

@Tuguldurgnrdn
Hello. Thanks for coming to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will somewhat enlighten you on improving your writing. If you have more questions, please do not hesitate to approach!

Firstly, be cautious of the technicalities of your written work. If we take a glance at that first paragraph, what initially hits me is the fact that you were unable to show the fundamental details that are being sought after. When you are writing personal statements, you should ensure that you are clearly showing the readers from the first paragraph what the core value you are promoting is. Doing this will essentially mark the entire text with a distinctive purpose, making it easier to decipher the texts themselves.

Furthermore, work on the transitions of your paragraphs. The first sentence from the second paragraph onward should have some sort of transition marker, especially because this is supposed to be a structured essay. Try to prioritize as well the details that are truly essential. If you focus more on parts that actually do mean something, you will be able to improve the appeal of your work. (Take a peek again at the second to the last paragraph as these comments are more so applicable there.)

Scholarship / Improving China - Chevening Essay: Leadership and influence [4]

@Haisy
Hello there. Thanks for reaching out to the site. You're more than welcome here to join us in fruitful essay writing discussions.

While that introductory line is great, it appears to be rather lost in the cluster of text that you have. Opt to merge the first and two paragraphs together, ensuring that you make it clear that you are transitioning from the topic of leadership into your own experiences. Cap this with a concluding sentence that aims to make readers understand why this topic has to be given importance to.

Furthermore, the fourth paragraph also needs to be more integral and professional. Notice how you were merely casually story-telling without much regard for the professionalism of the text. Because this cluster of text requires that you are more formal with introducing experiences, try to visualize everything in a more realistic manner. For example, don't just say that there are courses set up for the needs of students - make mention of what these are and what they mean for the community.

Always wrap your essay with a concluding paragraph that will have more focus on precision of details.

Scholarship / Networking in Professional Environment - Risk Management [4]

@izecsony5
Hi there! Welcome to the forum! We're always glad to have people around. Wish you the best of luck in your Chevening application! Hopefully, this essay will give you a better insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, you can still improve that introduction by being more professional with the opening line. While it was great that you started off with an explanation of your professional experience, you could have opted to give a sequenced overview on yourself as an individual. If we take a look at the first paragraph, it is noticeable how you did not start off with fundamental details about yourself. While this may not necessarily be a professional background, it surely still is a critical part of the writing because it is included in the overall assessment of you as a candidate.

Furthermore, the concluding paragraph also needs to be firmly structured a bit more. Taking a look at what you have now, it is obvious that it still lacks that appeal because you weren't able to properly expound on the details. The last sentence also appears to be hanging in thin air, rather than wrapping up the writing. Learning how to distinguish these types of writing patterns can go a long way for you.

Writing Feedback / My favourite Vietnamese dish - broken rice [3]

@Linyu12
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, you appreciate what the forum entails, and that this feedback will somewhat be of help to your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, I appreciate the straightforward approach of your writing. I find that this manner of writing is strikingly effective when it comes to thesis statements.

To improve your writing, I think that you should focus more on crafting your essay with more details. For example, in that third sentence, try giving a briefing on what simple ingredients mean. You may say something along the lines of: "It is made by simple ingredients straight out of the fridge." Notice how this has more aesthetic appeal because you're introducing a more creative flair to the writing. Furthermore, try to omit repetitive lines that do not contribute anything new to the writing. For example, you've mentioned how tasteful and simple the dish is early on in the essay, therefore you could have omitted those lines from the second to the last sentence of the paragraph. Learn to prioritize when you can.

Scholarship / Chevening choice of course - Conflict and Security [2]

@Tobechukwu
Hello! Thanks for your consistent contributions to the site. This is my feedback for this essay of yours.

Firstly, try to de-clutter your essay by writing more simply. For example, that initial thesis statement from the introduction can still be improved if only you had focused more on structuring the essay with more precision. The first sentence can be improved if you simplified the formatting and introduced these three choices straight from the get-go. Avoid beating around the bush when you're introducing critical information that are fundamental to your application. Only do this when you're dealing with material that's for creative purposes.

Furthermore, try adding a concluding paragraph by the end of all of the universities. Briefly state here a summation of all the universities, and your take on which ones are on top of your preferences. This portion should be dedicated on showing that, regardless of which university you would be categorized in, you are still determined to approach the situation with ease.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for MSc Human Computer Interaction in Universität Siegen (3 years of experience) [2]

@ayunovianti
Hi there! It's good to see you here. Hopefully, my feedback will be a positive contribution to the betterment of your application materials.

From the get-go, I think that you have quite a structured approach to writing, which is great especially because this requires a lot of precision writing. Despite this structural writing, I do think that you can still improve the body paragraphs by being more precise with your wordings. For example, when you make mention of a specific task that you have done, try to give a brief and yet concise explanation as to what this means for the improvement of your knowledge.

Furthermore, I think that from the fourth paragraph onward, you began to struggle a little bit when it comes to the relaying of data. Notice how, in these portions, you started to have shorter paragraphs that were stacked clumsily on top of each other. Try your best to write with more of an intentional approach.

Book Reports / Character Analysis and Development of Montag in "Fahrenheit 451" [2]

@rachelmaddiee
Hi there. Thanks for coming back to the site. Hopefully, this essay will help. I'll do my best to provide you with feedback that will help you understand how to better your writing.

The first part of the essay is well-done. The only issue I have is that you needed to incorporate more punctuation marks to indicate pauses. When your writing gets lengthy, you should be increasing as well your mindfulness for having pauses, considering that it can drastically affect the entirety of the writing.

There's also some inconsistencies with your usage of in-text citation. Assuming you are using MLA, the formatting of the parenthesis of the in-text should always be before the end punctuation of a line. Take a look at your second to the last paragraph and revise accordingly.

Practice on making your writing a lot more balanced. Being able to structure everything with an easier flow can certainly go a long way when you're writing.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1, visitors' evaluation about Bowen Island [6]

@vuthaihoa74
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you gather something useful from this feedback.

Be cautious firstly of the punctuation marks. From the get-go, that first paragraph needs to have more divisiveness of content by incorporating more marks. Remember that the punctuation should be placed wherever a pause is necessary. Knowing when to use these marks will definitely help improve the overall flow of your writing.

Furthermore, transitions should be improved. Notice how there's a lack of cohesiveness with the second and third paragraph's respective first introductions. If you may, try to stick with more traditional patterns of transition. Words such as moreover and furthermore should be used with full knowledge of what these mean.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 PEOPLE NOWADAYS TEND TO TAKE THEIR FAMILY TO ANOTHER COUNTRY [5]

@minhnguyento
Hi, welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to better improve your essay.

First and foremost, that first paragraph is quite put-together because of how concise it is. You were able to give a summation of the essay, and an overall outlook of your take on it. This is a great way to start the writing.

Generally, the issues that I find are mostly located in your usage of examples. When you're trying to expound an example, always make sure that these details are specifically in line with the intention of the text itself. In this part of the essay, it is noticeable how the thought started with the mention of linguistic and cultural differences. However, the "barrier" that Vietnamese women faced seemingly was not necessarily correlated with the cultural difference, rather with a generalized issue when it comes to adapting.

When you're trying to negate a particular thought into your writing (ie. when writing advantages and disadvantages, you usually have one to respond to the other to create a balanced argumentation), try to focus more on meeting everything heads-on. In your writing, the arguments on the third paragraph do not necessarily align with the second because it focused too much on the familial aspect. What you could have written about, for example, would be how the diversification because of multiculturalism has positively affected the general outlook of people. Giving out these sorts of details can be more integral for your writing approach.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc Health Economics and Decision Science [2]

@violet2
Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, this feedback will help you in your writing endeavors. If it does, please don't hesitate to approach us for additional information. We'll be more than happy to assist you.

The primary issue that I find with your essay is the cluttered structure that does not appear to be clear in its intention. If we take a look at the second paragraph, there wasn't any transition from the first to this portion. Moreover, this entire cluster of text moved between your personal information and the course details without any exact regard for wrapping up the writing.

What is critical is that you should be able to separate these clusters of information in accordance to their purpose in the writing. Afterward, structure the entire essay based on the prioritization of details. If you ask me, the second paragraph should have been moved as the front runner of this essay. Moreover, the discussion of the impact of the career to China's industries has to be located at the end to show the sustainability of the usage of the study to your preferences.

Writing Feedback / The graph below demonstrates the statistics of university graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007 [3]

@janenat
Hello there! Welcome to the site. Hopefully, this feedback will grant you with new knowledge on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, that first paragraph is excellent. You gave a briefing of the summation of the text without putting things out of proportion.

The issue that I primarily have with the writing is mostly around the third paragraph onward. The manner in which you write the numbers can still be improved if you used, for instance, more punctuation marks to separate the zeroes. This will certainly make the writing appear to be a lot more put-together and professional.

Furthermore, it is not necessary for you to continuously detail out the information in that regard as the third paragraph. What I would recommend is trying to create a structural analysis rather than merely mentioning all of the numbers as they fall and rise. If you can turn everything into a verbalized understanding of the graph, it will improve how readable the essay is.

Letters / "Evident talent" - Reference letter to Chevening [3]

@reemanoaman
Hi there. Here's my personal feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this will somehow give you a better idea of what to anticipate for the program!

Is there a word count for reference letters that's been specified? If there's none, I would firstly recommend expanding more on the details that you have laid out here.

If we take a look at your first paragraph, the structure appears to be rather off because of the numerous dependent clauses that were seemingly squished together without a particular regard for the pattern of writing. I recommend trying to delve more into the usage of pauses and punctuation marks because these can definitely boost your writing by a milestone.

Furthermore, when you're trying to elaborate the projects that you've completed for this specific individual, I heavily recommend that you try to give a brief explanation and example. Even just one can be a huge boost for your application materials, especially because your writing needs to be more intensive as possible.

The more specific these details are, the better.

Graduate / Statistics (Data Science) - Personal Statement [2]

@oxford123
Hello there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, this feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors. If it helps, don't hesitate to approach us again should you have more questions.

Firstly, while I think that the first paragraph is great because you showcased a deep understanding of the field, I find that you would have been better off if you used this space to explain fundamental information that are necessary for the evaluators. For instance, briefly tap onto the designated program you are applying for alongside a summation of you as an applicant. If you intend to use a more creative introduction, I still recommend that you put this on the first paragraph alongside this information to give a more sophisticated outlook into your writing.

Furthermore, the second paragraph's details can still be compressed further. While it was great that you introduced a variety of issues in the topic, I heavily recommend that you could have kept a more focused approach through prioritizing what information you were laying out. It also helps if you are able to organize things a bit more. For example, you started with mentioning generic courses before you dealt with more intensive ones. I recommend trying to be more strategic with what you mention given the limitations of space that you have for writing.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Career Plan. My career plan and how i plan achieving it. [3]

@Quizzy
Hi there! Thanks for reaching out to the platform. I'm going to provide you with feedback on this essay to hopefully help you in your writing.

Firstly, while I appreciate the first paragraph, I think that it would have been better if you could have expounded more on the purpose of writing. You jumped straight right into your future plans without a single mention of why this essay is being written in the first place. I heavily recommend creating a more solidified thesis statement prior to writing everything down.

Furthermore, the second and third paragraph both could be merged together to create something more concise. Always avoid over explaining and repeating the same content. From my perception, these two paragraphs are quite similar in terms of content. What you can do is make things more brief and then proceed with the explanations.

Taking things down furthermore, I recommend that the last paragraph should still be expounded a little bit more. It's quite inconclusive the way that you mention the details just like that. What I would want to see is seeing a more integral writing support for everything else on the line.

Scholarship / Chevening Study in UK essay. Why I chose these Universities [4]

@Quizzy
Hi! Thanks for the continuous presence in the forum. We always appreciate having people around. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea of how to improve your writing.

There's a logical leap in the first paragraph that you need to address. Mentioning your merged experience with sociology and economics to link it with business still seems to be a vague move. I suggest that you try and explain briefly why these subjects are correlated, especially because you're trying to establish your own credentials in these write ups. The last sentence of the paragraph also should be more of a brief summation on what the readers will expect in the forthcoming paragraphs.

Moreover, when you make mention of the university that you are interested in, try to be more specific. There are tens of hundreds of these similar application materials - remember this. What will give you leverage is if you are able to show that your interest in the field goes a lot more deeper than merely knowing that it's a program that "covers a broad spectrum of business issues" because it shows that you've actually delved into the specifics of the degree.

Conclusion can still be expanded to accommodate better to your prospects for the future. In turn, this will be a clearer vision as to what you are anticipating from the program itself.

Letters / Letter of motivation | Master's Degree in Sound and Music Computing ; UPF Barcelona [2]

@IValdivia
Welcome to the forum. I'm going to evaluate and give feedback on this essay, and I hope this will somewhat help you in your writing.

First and foremost, that first paragraph needs to be hammered down a little bit more. Considering that you had quite an assortment of details laid out here, it would have been better if you had compartmentalized everything. For instance, talk first about your educational background, then your values, then a glimpse of your personality. If you're able to create distinctions and not necessarily put everything in a messy cluster, that will certainly improve your writing.

Furthermore, that second paragraph also needs to be treated with that same idea. I have noticed that you merely compiled all of your details without properly making it clear why and why this is important for the entirety of your application. Don't just leave out fragments of your details. Rather, do your best to explain everything in context.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - The closure of small local shops [2]

@Lallity
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing. Hopefully, this will enhance your chances of getting higher scores in the upcoming IELTS that you have!

First and foremost, I really appreciate the simplicity of your first paragraph. Because you were able to make the thesis statement and other details brief, you had quite a convincing pattern of writing. Keep this up!

For the most part, I think that you can work a bit more on logical transitioning. For instance, the jump from the main thought of the second paragraph to the third appears to be rather baffling to say the least. Try to slowly dive into the main thought prior to writing everything out as you have right now.

The conclusion can still be maximized if you focus more on the summary of the entirety of the messages. Try to also add a simple sentence stating why your perspective is a reputable one. Convincing the readers that the body paragraphs have contributed to your decision will certainly help.

Scholarship / Surviving Awkward Networking Experience - A Chevening Essay [3]

@ndhnif
Hi there! Thanks for being here. I'll give you feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this will give you an idea on how to better develop your writing for your Chevening application!

First and foremost, I appreciate the manner that you composed your writing. The essay appeared to be a clear-cut and straightforward manner of writing everything out. While I do feel as though the first parts of the essay are sufficient, I think it would benefit you if you included a small explanation on why you're writing this content. Something as brief as a sentence as a thesis statement for the entire essay will boost your writing tenfold.

When you're trying to relay your experiences, I suggest compartmentalizing everything and making sure that you're not writing excessively. This will improve your writing dynamics a lot more because you can convince the readers to engage and listen. Don't over explain your experiences; rather, always dissect what values these experiences have taught you, making it even more essential that you listen.

Scholarship / Profession and academic background [2]

@Kibreab
Welcome to the forum! I'm here to give you feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this will somehow help you revise your writing.

First and foremost, while I appreciate the fact that the first paragraph appears to be extremely straightforward with regards to getting on with the main content, I think you would benefit a lot more with being able to explain first what the purpose of the entire essay is. This doesn't need to be a comprehensive and passionate essay; you only really need to put in about a sentence or two on why this is important for you. Doing this will go a long way.

Furthermore, midway through the essay, I find that you lacked the having that substantiation that is typically required or sought after. When you make mention of skills that you need for your career, you better be able to not only specify these information but also be fully able to mention specific experiences that are in relation to them. This will improve your chances by tenfold.

Writing Feedback / Teamwork Theory Just discuss several theories of teamwork [2]

@Irenekiki
Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, this feedback is helpful for you. Please do come again if you have more questions on writing.

First and foremost, that first paragraph is quite messy. The first sentence appears to be a forced concoction of three different thoughts. What I would suggest is having a more simplified approach to writing, especially because you're working with such a technical theoretical content.Try to also avoid clustering together repetitive content. If we take a look at the second and third sentence of that first paragraph, it's clear that there's no massive differentiation between the two. Try to merge ideas like this together instead of wasting a bit of space.

Furthermore, the second paragraph needs to be worked on as well. Take a glance at how the last sentence here appears to be rather cluttered already. I recommend trimming down all of these unnecessary details to make your essay truly pop more.

Again, merge similar thoughts and try to make your paragraphs more concise. Remove unnecessary information as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Cambridge 11 Task1 - CO2 emissions/person in the UK, Italy, Sweden and Portugal in 40 years [2]

@DAN770320
Hello! Welcome here. We appreciate new people coming in all the time. Next time, however, it would be great if you could include a photo of the graph to help evaluators and fellow learners have a better idea of what you're analyzing.

Generally, I appreciate how you write. You have quite a smoother transition between sentences, making it easier to comprehend a good chunk of your content. What I do find baffling, however, is how you over extend your sentences, stretching them out too thin at times. If we take a look at the second paragraph's first sentence, this should have been sub-divided into two to three more portions given how much information is stuck here.

Undergraduate / Robot "02618" - Common App Essay (Setback/Failure) - Is it to cliche? Is it any good? [3]

@iswhars
Hello! Apologize for not getting a response last time. I'm here to give a feedback on this particular essay of yours. I hope that this one gives you more of an idea on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, the creativity in the first sentence appears to be rather lost in all of the content. I have observed that you fluctuate quite frequently between casual and professional writing. While this is okay, it certainly doesn't improve the overall flow of your writing. It is mostly important that you are able to dissect the details in a more concise manner. While I know that you feel as though inputting all of the small details improves the substance, this is not necessarily the case all the time. Prioritize more than you expound.

Furthermore, the structure of the composition also appears to be rather outdated. Notice how the second half of your writing simply does not have that symmetrical composition. I would recommend sticking with a more basic structure, considering that this is an undergraduate essay.

The last paragraph also needs to hammer down more (by the end of it) what the essay itself is supposed to be about. Be more straightforward in this part as it can help clarify what you truly mean by specific parts of the content.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking Essay - Networking has greatly helped my teaching career. [3]

@Quizzy
Hi there! Thanks for being in the forum. Hopefully, the feedback I'll give you will somehow help you ease your worries about your application. If you do learn something from the essay, don't hesitate to reach out!

Firstly, I find that the introductory paragraph is sufficient. What primarily concerns me are the latter portions, especially the second paragraph. When it comes to creating lengthier content, you seem to have a little of difficulty in making the compositions structured. I recommend that you review fundamental rules related to writing Try to compose with more certainty on the punctuation marks and such.

The flow of writing can also be improved by managing better the way that you story tell. With the third paragraph, I find that about half of the entire composition is irrelevant data. These are unnecessary parts of the essay that you could have gone better without. Try to be more open and engaging - this will surely give you more benefits in the long-run.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Part 1] Making coffee at industrial level - all the process described [2]

@chibib0
Hi there! We're glad you found the forum too. For now, I'll provide you with an extensive feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this will somehow help you in your writing endeavors. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us for more information!

Generally, I think a cluster of your issues stems from the fact that you need to generalize the writing a bit more. If we take into consideration, for instance, the second paragraph, it's quite pervasive that you should have divided that mid sentence into three more clusters. Doing this will give you more benefits in the long-run.

Furthermore, you can also cut down the processes in your sentences a lot more. Considering that you were trying to do a pattern like this: step A will be step B, which is going to lead to step C. What you can do is opt for something that's easier to comprehend. Something along the lines of: step A leads to B. step C means D. Being more compartmentalized with the instructions can go a long way - believe me.