Undergraduate / V-Tech Green MOVEMENT, conservation and environmental issues [2]

Not to be confused with the "green" effort to save our environment, that I am not a firm believer of saving our environment by taking small steps such as recycling or conserving energy, but the movement to which I am referring to hits somewhere closer to my heart.

In this sentence, you can increase efficiency:
Watching the Green Movement (give a different noun instead of repeating what it is called. "demonstrations" maybe...) in person and on TV has allowed me to gain gives me (or "fills me with") appreciation for these often taken for granted rights.

The movement started with a small group in Iran and now it encompasses thousands across the globe, exe mplifying that although it's nearly...

:-) This is well written!

Undergraduate / An ideal residential community, SMU Resident Assistant Essay Response--How to start? [2]

This is part of the self-expression. You don't have to be an RA, but you choose to be one because of the way it would fit into the context of whatever you have going on. If you do this rather than some other job, it is because it is something you can get inspired about. Can you get inspired about trying to mediate between the school and the community of kids? Can you get inspired about creating a certain type of environment? (Hint: In order to tailor the environment to each person, you will probably have to find out what each person's major is.)

:-)

Undergraduate / Nazih's Death - Experience that shows your ability to succeed at Penn State. [3]

This is an intriguing idea... taking inspiration from tragedy. Coping, sure, but taking inspiration from it... this is a very interesting theme!

Here is a sentence I don't like:
Watching someone die at the age of 12, ----unclear
not to mention coming to terms with a death in the family, ---- vague, unnecessary
is not an experience anyone should go through, ----but everyone does go through it, at various ages, so it is a little bit common, and you should not make too much of it.

but it is definitely an experience that has scarred my way of thinking. ---- Scar implies permanence...

You are a great writer. I guess my criticism has to be that the essay is not complicated enough. You expounded a simple theme in a complex way. I think you can add another dimension to the essay, or take it a step further.

Say something about the implications of the truth of the essay.

thanks for helping so many people at EssayForum in the past few weeks, Miray!

Undergraduate / My inspirational mom made me who i am today. [3]

I look at the tree itself, standing tall, looking (how about a different word here, because it is too much "look") over the smaller trees, protecting them from...

The struggles my mother has been through provides provide me with the inspiration...

I guess the second one has my vote!

You should not end the first sentence of the essay with the word "with." You are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition; people break that rule all the time, and it is not really bad to break it, but probably you should not break it in the first sentence of the essay.

Undergraduate / "YOU'RE GETTING SMALLER, BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU!": influencing character [2]


Wow! This is the best part of the essay. It really shows the reader something. I thought you would be interested in this observation... I wonder if others will agree that the most intense part of the experience is on this line, because it suddenly makes it personal and shows an image.

Hey, I don't think the word "also" belongs in the last sentence of the first paragraph. I don't mean that you should remove that word from the sentence; I mean that the last sentence of the first paragraph should not be an afterthought. Do you know what I mean? You should say something powerfully and clearly at the end of that first para, and let it express the main idea of the essay.

And I see your question... yeah... well, it is at the end of that first paragraph...or maybe, just maybe, as part of paragraph 2, that you should tell the reader your message. You have to have that message. If you can sum up the influence by telling about your goals for the future, that'll be the message to put at the end of the first and last paragraphs of the essay.

:-) Welcome to essayforum! Thanks for helping a lot of people lately...

Undergraduate / "on Self-Reliance" An essay that affected me [2]

Is this really interesting enough to be the first sentence of the essay? I have read many great works of literature as a part of my high school education. I think this sentence is a waste of words. It could be anything it wants to be! :-)

These I have read literary masterpieces each had with distinct motifs, allusions, and themes meant to plant an ideas (forgive the "Inception" allusion) into the reader's our minds.

I expressed ideas that my peers did not understand, and asked questions they did not think of. Unfortunately, it's not possible to express this without sounding pompous.

It's definitely a bad idea to end with that cliche... and I think that cliche at the end is a quote from a president, which makes it a completely different subject. So, it is disjointed, because that quote expresses an insight totally different from the insight central to emerson's essay.

Wicked Important Idea
Google this: emerson self-reliance analysis

You will find examples of essays that really analyze the meaning, the main idea of his essay. That is what you should do. You did not really tell us anything about the thesis of his essay.

Keep digging! :-)

Undergraduate / "a volunteer program at a care center of mentally disabled" extracurricular activity [3]

This is great!! When you write about something that made you feel "ashamed" because of the new perspective you gained, it is ALWAYS powerful. This is expertly written.

I'll fix your verb tense, though...
And I felt a bit ashamed of holding having held that attitude before. I also realized that disabled people, as well as other unfortunate people, deserve more attention and compassion.

:-) very impressive

Undergraduate / "the power of public policy" - Global warming essay for U of O's Honors [3]

Let's add a new dimension to this essay by making it about something more than just debunking false claims. The global warming argument is messy, because it has so many different implications, but your main idea is very important: we know what we want to know, collectively averting our eyes from what we don't want to know. Politics should not control science. So, inspire the reader by establishing some specific goals pertaining to this dilemma.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my brother's unpleasant behavior" - a life-changing experience, early admission [4]

You can't start a sentence like this:
My whole life I had to...---That is a common way to talk, but in composition you need a preposition like "During" or "Throughout"

What is this? ---> fourth teen years old
Here is an opportunity to learn the correct way. Do it like this:
...he was fourteen years old.

What I can say about his behavior is that he has drove driven me to help ...

And I want to work on this sentence, too:
When I sit down and think about things this is what motivates me to succeed in life and continue my education.
When I sit down and think about things, I feel motivated to succeed in life and continue my education.

:-)

Undergraduate / "How can we not care about American Indians?" - Common App Essay [6]


This is an interesting way to write a sentence. But I think the reader will wonder what you mean.. and possibly the reader will think you made an error. Just change worst to worse. That'll fix it.

I thin it is better to write 'responsible for' instead of 'responsible to'

cut away the unnecessary details...
Two years ago, I wrote a 15-page research paper on this topic, and last year, I based my Oral History Project on Dr. Gabrielle Tayac of the Piscataway Indian Nation. This past summer, I traveled to ...

You did a great job with this! Welcome to essayforum. I hope you check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

To improve this essay, establish focus during revision: Do you focus on contemporary native american cultural problems, or do you focus philosophically on the idea of protecting one another?

:-)

Undergraduate / "we put more of our lives in the hands of machines" - Stanford Intellectual Idea [3]

This is awesome! Very impressive... but you did not successfully explain the significance of the term 'singularity.' This essay is not complete until you give an idea about that concept. Make the reader understand. It definitely hooks my attention, though!! :-)

You have to add a sentence that perfectly expresses the meaningfulness of that term. ha ha... meaningfulness... but yeah, the goal is to affect the reader by making her experience that insight.

Book Reports / Essay on Jane Eyre and Bronte's view on religion [3]


Ask yourself about the purpose of this sentence. The purpose seems to be to tell the reader that many themes are dominant. That is not what to say! Instead, give a simple sentence that makes a real observation.

This is the way to correct this sentence:
Bronte Exhibits exhibits, through Jane's experiences with the characters of Brocklehurst, Helen, and St. John, her rejection of the conventional Christian religion, yet through herself (replace this with a word that is more descriptive) she finds her own connection to God.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Francisco, surrounded by wires, tubes, and nurses" - personal Princeton University [3]

One important strength of this essay is that it shows that you really have command over language and are able to think and communicate effectively.

After that, you show that you took inspiration from him.... and it is powerful because lots of readers can relate to this in indirect ways.

Really, this is a high quality piece of writing. Strategically, I think the thing to do is get rid of this kind of thing a difference in the world and replace it with specific plans. People are inspired by a scholar with a plan. :-)

Undergraduate / Advanced Placement United States History, Academic Experience Harvard Supplement [7]

Hi Juliano, welcome to EssayForum. I see that you have helped a lot of other writers lately, and I appreciate the help!

I want you to kill that first sentence, ha ha... people do not think of U.S. history that way... well, some kids, but in general people know that U.S. history is a crazy dramatic story...

When I get to the second sentence, I am still looking for something to capture my interest.
For me however, Advanced Placement United States History was one of the most joyous times of my education, It was a class that I honestly looked forward to every day because of the love I had for the history of this great country this country is not my birthplace. This class fascinated me. I learned things that happened...

I cut out some sentences so that it would have NO boring sentences. For example, do not write, "This class fascinated me." That is unnecessary, and it bores the reader because she already knows it fascinates you.

The examples you gave are great, but can you think of a theme that can sum up the meaning of the essay? What is the perfect adjective to describe the insight you gained about history? "Package" your message in the way the reader can easily remember. :-)

Undergraduate / The Feeling of Murder, Living with James - University of Washington [4]


Hi Meghan, I think a very short sentence at the end of this first para would be really nice. Can you hint at the main theme of the essay in a sentence of 7 words or fewer and add it right after this sentence above? A really short sentence at the end of that intro would be great.

how fortunate my life is.-----this part is bad. You are fortunate, not your life. Actually... it seems alright to say "I have had a fortunate life..." but... NO!! I forbid it. :-) I am pretty sure it is better to say "...how fortunate I am to have had a (adjective) life."

:-)

Speeches / ''How would you face the next century, with 'Hope' or 'Pessimism'?'' Points on Hope. [3]

You need some good SOURCES. That is the trick. A lot has been written about hope. If you collect 5 or 10 journal articles, books, etc., it is easy to give a paragraph about the main idea expressed by each person. After you have done that, go back to the beginning and write an intro that ends with a thesis statement -- a sentence that expresses the main conclusion or theme you found in those sources.

So... it is like an exploration and search, and with the Internet it should be easy.

When I think of hope, I think of Barack Obama's campaign, Victor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning, and also a quote by Nietzsche: Hope is the greatest of all evils, because it prolongs our suffering!!! :-)

But in the field of nursing, hope is seen as a resource useful for healing and boosting the immune system.

Undergraduate / "public drama performance" Notre Dame-time when you have surprised others or yourself [4]

I have already taking taken on ...

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
My parents and friends were amused by my radical transformation on the stage, and many of them praised me for my professionalism.

I like the word enabled instead of allowed: Overcoming the fear of breaking through my comfort zone allowed enabled me to develop my true potential to the fullest.

You wrote this well! I think it was good to start it with that question, "Should I...?"

:-)

Undergraduate / Working with experts; why am i interested in research? [2]


Is this a term I do not know, or is it an error? I don't understand ultra structures...

...more ideas for me to explore.

I think you should mention the specific processes that you want to jump into... what are researchers currently doing in the fields of gen. engineering, bionics, and biological nanostructures? Read some very recent articles, and discuss the projects that are underway. Mention these projects you want to join and also new projects you want to start. Show them that you are making plans and taking action. I'm sorry, though... I'm not smart enough to discuss these subjects of study!! :-)

Undergraduate / "Playing sports is like being in a relationship" - Rice Perspective Essay [2]

Your first paragraph is very impressive, and it makes me immediately notice that you are a skillful writer. So, you make a good first impression, and I really feel that sense of disappointment that comes with an experience like that.

Near the end, I think you start repeating points that you already made. Here:
In the following four years, my passion for football grew, and my... my other sport, lacrosse, as well as my participation in my Junior Statesmen of America club and my volunteering at my local church, intensifying my involvement and impact in each. I think you should condense that stuff into half the amount of space.

Then, describe the characteristics of that focused state of mind you are mentioning. That is a great theme. "Show, don't tell." That means make concrete statements and give concrete examples. Share your ideas about the life lesson and its implications.

I like how you maintained that theme, the more you give, the more you receive... BUT it is a cliche. You could express the same idea in your own unique way, and that would give the reader new insight.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the social norm of public education" - Texas at Austin transfer application. [2]

You have a really nice writing style. There is a good piece of advice I want to give you, though. I call it Clarity in Transition. At the end of that first paragraph, you gave a sentence that is a little abstract, and that is fine, because abstract sentences are great sometimes, and they intrigue the reader. BUT if you choose to end the first paragraph in an abstract, mysterious way, you should give the reader some reliefe from that uncertainty by starting paragraph 2 with a sentence that clearly gives an answer to the question in the reader's mind: "What does he mean about the social norm of public education?"

I think you should reread the essay and find ALL sentences that you can take out without losing any of the essay's meaning. The reader has a lot of work to do as she interprets this essay, so eliminate all that is unhelpful... even good sentences, like this one:

The road to college was anything but ordinary for me, but it taught me life lessons that are priceles s.
It makes you realize the important things that you truly value.

Replace sentences like these with some sentences that express, over and over, that single message you want the reader to remember.
:-)

Undergraduate / "the American Dream knocked on our door" - UCF's College Essay [2]

Eleven years ago was when my mother used her

I now belief believe some experiences come ...

This sentence is unclear:
Given by majority, my description has always been the word I once despised, "over thinker".
I could make a suggestion about how to fix it, but you have a nice writing style and don't need me to do that. Just make this sentence simpler and clearer.

It didn't sound too appealing at the time, because, well reality is "The average person thinks he isn't," as Larry Lorenzoni said.----I don't know if I corrected this in the appropriate way. Does it still mean what it is supposed to mean?

Nobody wants to take off the blindfold

... opportunity of a lifetime to make the University of Central Florida my home, wear black and gold and ...---I think you spend too much time making vague assertions of enthusiasm. You give a lot of claims about the kind of person you are, but that does not mean anything to the reader. The reader is only impressed by concrete examples of articles you are reading, work you are doing, and subjects you are studying even in your free time outside of school.

It would be better to focus the essay on a single theme that involves showing how attending this school, with its specific professors, you can achieve your specific, unique life goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / My newfound interest in the arts-commonapp essay [4]

Usually, this expression has the word "on."

...time in on their hands to weep for fictional people with whom they had no business with whatsoever.

It was unexpected that I have taken an interest in the arts.----This sentence should be improved, because improving it will improve the whole essay. The reader doesnot remember all the sentences, but certain key sentences like the one at the end of the intro paragraph are the ones that the reader uses to make sense of the essay. Instead of just saying it was unexpected that you would be interested in the arts, give a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay.

Then, the reader will go on to interpret paragraph two in terms of that great thesis statement.

Check spelling: proclaimations

I love the subtle sarcasm you use in this essay. :-)

Undergraduate / "Bangladesh is a developing country" issue of local national or international concern [3]


I think you should try to write a sentence that expresses this idea perfectly. Pretend it is going to be the only sentence in the whole essay, and try to explain yourmain idea in that single sentence. Add that sentence to the end of that (very brief) first paragraph.

That sentence you add to the end of the first paragraph will contain the meaning of the whole essay.

After that intro, you have 3 more paragraphs. Each should begin with a "paragraph topic sentence." (Google that term)

This essay will be more impressive if you mention a few articles you have recently read about children living in poverty.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My love for circus" - your extracurricular activities or work experiences [2]

In addition to the great corrections Darius gave you, it is important to put a period before "In fact, ..." in the introduction, and let a new sentence begin.

...to my circus training. In fact, ...

I'll move a word below:
...on the top of a pole 20 feet high while doing a hand stand, tumbling , and climbing on silks hanging from the sealing doing drops in which I end up with my head but a few inches from the ground.---great description!

I am adding a hyphen and removing a comma:
My circus teacher, 85 year-old ____________ is a seventh ...

This is a great part of the essay, very well-written, but it is a run-on sentence:
In circus I am responsible for my safety as well as for that of the others around me, when you are so high in the air you can't allow yourself to be careless, even for a moment. ----Fix it by replacing the comma with a period.

And my favorite sentence of the whole essay is that last one, about being in the air. I think maybe you should discuss some of your goals for the future, and talk about how you can be a professional who still keeps the spirit of "being in the air" while contributing meaningfully to your chosen professional field.

Undergraduate / "Mongolian Red Cross Youth" - Extracuricular activity /volunteer works/ [4]

Wen Tang did a great edit!
I suggest adding some sentences that express to the reader that you want to contribute to a particular field. What professional field do you want to enter? The way you explain your extracurricular activities should include some comments about what it does to prepare you for your future as you envision it. So, talk about this activity as part of a larger plan that will take you into your chosen field. :-)

Undergraduate / "talent, enjoyment, and career" - Johns Hopkins (Why International Studies?) [5]

...three criteria things that must be met: talent, enjoyment, and career. -----Hey, I like these three as a model for decision-making!

Use a comma in any compound sentence: Talent alone cannot be a reason good enough for me to decide on choose a major, because I may...

Sometimes it is easy to trim away the word "that"
I know that I will enjoy majoring

Another good sentence here: I love the atmosphere and enthusiasm when people speak out their thoughts that are not only based on written information on in textbooks, but also on the intense moments, and the applause for after a speech. which offers something new to the plate .----great idea, but the sentence needed some changes.

Diplomacy is what I am considering for my future career ---- if you are serious about this, you are probably reading about current IR events, such as the treaty with Russia, military presence in Afghanistan, Wikileaks, and other fascinating current events. Show that you are reading about current events. :-)

Graduate / "the world`s oil and gas industry" Application to MS in Petroleum Engineering Program [3]

Write United States instead of US. If you must use the abbreviation, use periods: U.S.

...path which could enable me you to discover the depth underneath of the world.

Spelling: Accidently

Do not capitalize all letters of a word:
TEXAS Texas plays a very ...

Typo: I didmy ...

Verb tense:
If you admitted admit me, you will give an opportunity to ...

Great ending!! I think you wrote this in a very effective way. I hope you are able to accomplish great innovations in the industry!

Undergraduate / Why you want to study biology (discoveries) - Brown [5]

The word "It" could be replaced with something more meaningful. "My commitment to the field of medicine boils down to ...

In the second sentence of the essay, I think you should list the three things.

The teacher should not be named here. You have a limited word count. If you want to pay him tribute, you can blog about him, but every sentence of this essay should be used to show your plans and short-term goals.

Short term goals are the most powerful...

:-)

Scholarship / Leadership Experiences (to further develop my own skills) [5]

I had this idea for the beginning:
People have often said that Change is good, but change can come in countless forms. -----I like the way this sounds, but maybe it is not quite right? I am not sure if cutting those words is a good idea or not...

:-)

I like a lot of your sentences... and your writing style. I like this: "preposterous and silly...".

And this is a great sentence: Communication is the key which unlocks any ideas that might be waiting. ---It is a cool way to personify ideas. :-)

...will enable me to further ...

Scholarship / "Florida; I commited myself to alot of the programs" - college scholarship [2]

Residing in downtown West Palm Beach, Florida, it's uncommon for children to make...---I made some changes here.

I think you should move this POWERFUL sentence to the beginning of the essay: Having This scholarship, I truly believe, would be my golden opportunity to get out of poverty and make my mother proud.----I added some cmmas and crossed out a word! :-)

Always capitalize the word "I"
... because I am a very ...

determined, hardworking individual that and believe I have ...

...that hard work does pay off, and I like to think that my time has come.

Capitalize the first word of every sentence!

If you want the scholarship, it is important to describe your goals. What careers do you want to have? What goals have you set for the next one year?

:-)

Scholarship / "born in El Salvador, autobiography" - scholarship essay help [2]

I lived in a ....

...and my mom paid for...

...so they would give me free food.

Also during that time I realized that my dad had lied; he had not passed the polygraph, and he also treated my mom badly, but she never told me because she didn't want me to suffer more. ---I made a lot of changes in this sentence.

You did a great job in this essay! I want to tell you that the details you gave in the beginning are not necessary... date of birth, names of people, ... unnecessary details distract the reader. Even your sister's name is unnecessary, for example, because the purpose of this essay is to show that you have a PLAN for entering a particular field and that you have financial need.

Begin by introducing yourself as a student with a strong intention to enter the professional field of XXXXX and tell all about your goals. Give the autobiography without changing it too much, because it is written very well! I really hope the readers select you to receive the scholarship!

Undergraduate / "the purpose of the game is to solve the conflict" - DigiPen : GAME DEVELOPMENT ESSAY [2]

I want to tighten up this introduction, because that will give the reader her first impression of the essay. The grammar is messed up. Maybe you intended it like this:

The objective of a player is to be one of the humans and reunite the survivors of humanity and re-build civilization. The primary missi on is to discover the secret of the waste land, the reason why humanity has vanished, and to resolve the conflicts between the present humanity and other races, such as elves.

Does that seem right? It sounds like a game I would like to play!

The consequences ----> do not entirely depend...

The player can keep try to build the perfect world that will last forever or just mess up the existing world even more.

I can't wait to buy the game! You might want to compare different styles of government and policy (i.e. democracy, monarchy, capitalism, socialism, etc.)

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrities - the inevitable price of a public figure? [5]


Maybe, but this sentence is not interesting. You should change the end of it so that it says something different about that question of privacy.

Also, you can add brevity:
The privacy of celebrities is ...

Furthermore, it has also been observed on several occasions that many celebrities at the fag end -- this might not be the best term to use because the word has a negative connotation.

... to witness pop-singers or actresses dressing inappropriately in public, ---- you have to mention actors and actresses, because if you only mention actresses dressing inappropriately it seems like you have different standards for men and women.

or for a politician to pass slanderous remarks against his her adversary.
(Be careful! You wrote about 'her' dressing inappropriately and 'him' being a politician. Let's be gender neutral.

Hey, to have some well written sentences! If you want to add a new dimension to the essay, consider the perspective of the fans. Should I infringe on the celebrity's privacy, or should I hold myself to a higher standard of respectfulness?

:-)

Undergraduate / The Big Mac Complex - Yale Supplementary Essay [5]

Could I trust his confident smile, and would I ever ...

Use a comma at the end of dialogue: Instead, he shrugged and said, "Oh, well that's interesting," and carried on with his newspaper. ----terrible!! His ego is too big...

Hyphen: seventeen year-old

... is what I do best; it's my addiction.

You are an excellent writer!!! That concept you discuss in the last paragraph... can you discuss it in relation to the careers you have in mind?

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement on my mother's influence (we migrated to the US) [5]

... my family migrated to this country, my mother had to leave behind her profession as a doctor physician and instead, she had to focus instead on taking care of my brother and me.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
Ramona, being an old lonely Cuban, always needs help with something or other, and I am always there to provide that help.

hyphen: thirteen year-old that ...
twelve year-old

I do not only want to thank her for her sacrifices, I want to but also show her that I am worthy of them.

I like your approach, and I think the best way to make it a tribute to your mom but also about your aspiration is to discuss topics you learned about while translating for her and that you are NOW reading about with heightened perspective as you study with your own career in mind instead of hers.

:-)

Undergraduate / From South Korea to My Albany host parents [2]

The first sentence is well written! I just want to make one small change:
to experience being exchange students an exchange student to in the United States, because...

I think you have the wrong word here:
more academically regions rigorous. ------google 'regions' to see what it means.

When you talk about something that happened in the past, and then you talk about something even further in the past, use "had"----> They asked about my cultural background, and they were friendly compared to students that I had met in Kentucky. Life in Albany was smooth. ----right here, you did a good job of varying your sentence length.

When you use "help" as a noun, never use an s:
All of this American experience would be impossible without helps help from nice host families. Even though I had a hard time to learning American culture ...

At the end of the essay, I think you should talk more about YOUR specific goals for the next 2 years and also for the next 5 years.

:-)

Research Papers / Need points/advice on Global Warming (I am opposed to it) [4]


Well, it's not so much a matter of for or against. It's about whether or not you believe it is happening and that humans are causing it.

Based on what you wrote here, it seems like you need to read some articles and write a paragraph about the main idea expressed by each author. If you study 5 articles like that, and if you can tell me the main idea expressed by each author, I think you will be ready to write.

But your ideas cannot come from this thread. They have to come from articles, and you'll cite the articles. So, search your school library's database for: global warming arguments

Try to find articles written in the past 5 years. This is like a scavenger hunt, and then you have to search through the articles' introductions to find the main idea of each. Easy, easy!!

Undergraduate / "I have stayed with her family in Oregon" - skiing activity [4]

This is a clever way to express your love for skiing!
I think you could use some clever metaphors throughout the essay to HINT at what it is going to be.

The essay reads like a journal entry. It shows great writing ability, but it does not demonstrate good structure in composition. For example, there are no "paragraph topic sentences." It could be a lot better if you included a strategic subtopic, perhaps your chosen fields or careers of interest. You can write about missing her as you continue to proactively study articles about the specialization that interests you.

By doing that, you'll balance the abstract/expressive nature of this essay with some pragmatism.
:-)

Undergraduate / "treasurer and fundraising chair" - extracurricular activities or work experience [3]

Apostrophe: school's outing club ...

Is it supposed to be capitalized? Being in Outing Club ...

At the end here, you forgot the apostrophe again: Over the years in outing club, I have become a very valued member of my schools outing club.---Also, this sentence uses a lot of words to express an idea that could be expressed just a few words added to a different sentence. I feel like you ran out of things to say at the end. When you write an essay, you should try to have a feeling like you have TOO many ideas to share and you have to choose the most meaningful ones. You should have the idea first, and then write. If you just start writing with the intention of writing about your leadership role in the Outing Club, but you have no theme or message or insight to share with the reader... then it will be an uneventful essay. Try to end it in a way that shares your most fascinating insight from this experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Twelve years in Thailand" - Bryn Mawr - What I will gain and contribute [4]

Let's trim the excess:
As of now, I believe that I am a truly international student.

I think you cannot "practice" values...Although I still practice uphold my country's traditional values, there are often times when I often see myself with opinions that contradict values of my home country them. ---And look at how I chopped out some wordy phrases so make it more efficient. Do that to the whole essay, and the whole thing becomes more intense.

Let's have a little more discussion of your goals and plans. That is the most important stuff to mention.

:-)