Writing Feedback / Child Abuse and my Future; How I learned to become a man! [7]


I was then five years old; I dialed the number 9-1-1, the only number my mom has taught me to dial in emergency, while she was weeping on the floor with scars on her arms and neck.


My last memory of that dreadful night was that my father walked away hand cuffed knowing that he would not see me for the next ten years.


I did not have any idea that this action of mine would lock my father in a cell for so long.

Writing Feedback / Ielts- The internet and change of lives [5]


The Internet made a significant change in our lives in the recent years.


....need to improve clarity;
Although some people claim that it caused many negative social effects, in my opinion, I believe that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality in University Admission [6]

.... thanks :D
Well.... I am a SHE :D ...Lol
Yes .... I am happy to help you with your essays and I hope I was not rude with my previous comment. I proposed that structure because that sounds quite logical. Practice is the best way to improve and therefore do more essays and post them here for our feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Some people argue that the purpose of zoos is only to entertain people. [7]


Zoos indeed is a great attraction to people. In other words, people gain lots of enjoyment by visiting zoos.


.... you should have shortened this sentence to improve its clarity;
For example, people can enjoy the site of a large number of animals in the zoos and such enjoyment cannot be derived from watching TV programs or browsing pictures on the Internet.

Writing Feedback / Happiness is considered very important in life. 'Defining depends on the ages' [6]


... Great hook....very impressive :)


Most people have the tendency to link happiness with wealth or other form of worldly achievements such as relationships, prestige etc.


What is this opinion? Your previous sentence does not refer to anyone's opinion :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS- NECESSITY OF THIRD LEVEL EDUCATION FOR SUCCESS? AGREE OR DISAGREE? [3]


In addition, there are other factors that too play a great role in success of some people. Luck as well as hard work are two good examples for such factors.

Writing Feedback / Creative artists should be given the freedom to express - 'range of limitation' [6]

Well.... I don't say that your writing is bad, but I think you need to improve clarity of your sentences and also the flow of ideas. I suggest you to follow this structure for the introduction.

Writing Feedback / Think of the most interesting class you have ever taken. Why did you enjoy this class [5]

Well... so this is a TOEFL essay, I guess. However, it sounds like a task you take for TOEFL Speaking and not like a Writing Task. :)

This is my way of approach to TOEFL Independent Writing task.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical writing task - scientific discoveries help in understanding the world. [4]

Hi
First, welcome to EF! Since you are new, I have just one admin point to tell you :)
Open your GRE essay threads in Writing Feedback forum.( In this case I moved this essay from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback)


... I wish you reduced the length of your sentences to enhance the effectiveness of the flow of ideas. When your sentences are too long, the reader needs to make lots of effort to remember the details which I'm sure he doesn't like :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Technological developments in the past few decades. Positive ? [4]


... convenient and easy have very close meanings. Therefore one makes the other sort of redundant. I would suggest the words convenient and comfortable.


I believe these developments, especially the ones in the telecommunication field, have brought the entire world together while benefiting people in many ways.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General training : A friend has agreed to look after your house and pets [5]

Sure Arun... I will. When you do your IELTS essays open the new thread in Writing Feedback. Here's some tips for this task;
1. Identify the type of letter (formal or informal)
2. Open and close the letter correctly (e.g. informal - Dear Tom , Best Regards / semi formal - Dear Mr Tomas, yours sincerely / formal - Dear Sir, yours faithfully)

3. Open a formal and semi-formal letter with a formal sentence (e.g. I am writing to inquire about / I am writing in connection with....)
4. Open an informal letter with a general, friendly paragraph (e.g. I hope you and your family are all well. It was such a pleasure to see you again last summer. )

5. Identify the main purpose of the letter (Are you asking for help, apologizing, inviting someone, complaining or thanking someone? Learn appropriate and polite expressions that will support what you need to say.)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Fatherhood implies environment provided by father to his children for their growth [8]

Well... I think you need to improve the essay structure. Below is what I generally recommend. You can follow that when you rewrite the essay and post it here if you do. I'll provide you my comments definitely :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Public Libraries and computer technology [4]

Good intro, but better with your opinion :D


.... This line does not flow well.... I mean you should improve its clarity more;
The use of these instruments help people access information very efficiently and conveniently without facing any geographical or time barriers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS_cultural traditions will be destroyed by developing tourism. right/wrong? [3]


... you need to talk about the real issue as indicated in the prompt. It says that some hold the view that cultural traditions would be destroyed when they are used for money making attractions to the the tourists.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality in University Admission [6]

It seems you are new to EF :) Welcome !
First there are few admin stuff I need to tell you. Mention your purpose in the topic itself (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc.) so that others can provide you with more task related feedbacks. Then include the essay prompt on top of your post for us to understand what your prompt really asks for. Finally, these type of essays should be posted to Writing Feedback forum. Okkkkk.... let's get on to your essay :)


Male and female students studying together help them build a better mutual understanding by eliminating barriers such as fear or shyness.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL topic: STUDYING ABROAD - LIKES AND DISLIKES [4]


.... be careful when you use synonyms. If you are not sure of their usage better not use them because they may give a very different meaning than what you really expected.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General training : A friend has agreed to look after your house and pets [5]

Hi Arun,
Please open all threads relating to IELTS essays in the Writing Feedback forum. In this case I move this one from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback.


... well... you are supposed to request your friend to look after your house during your intended travel. This sound as if you are thanking him for doing that already. Some confusion :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay topic: Sharing of private information by the media? [3]

First, please open your threads meant for IELTS essays in the Writing Feedback forum. That helps you earn more feedbacks too :)

I think you need to improve your introduction structure.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Fatherhood implies environment provided by father to his children for their growth [8]


Your hook has several weaknesses; First it does not flow well. Second it has the repetitive effect. Thirdly, it is weak as an idea.

Writing Feedback / Has people's interaction changed because of technology? IELTS [5]


changes affect/ change affects


.... this sentence has no logic. The outcome is either positive or negative; one of them always.
Certain changes have affected us negatively.


... what changes? you have not talked about the type of changes in the introduction which you should have done.

Writing Feedback / A person should be very careful when making a decision - think carefully before any judgement [8]


If one makes decisions based on emotions, there would be a higher probability that he or she may not consider the right reasons for such decision making. Therefore such decisions have a higher tendency to be proven wrong.


.... certain sections sound a bit repetitive.... I wish you shortened this line.
You need to post GRE essays into Writing Feedback forum

Writing Feedback / What are some other reasons than money, that people work? [5]


Well... this is not the type of Agree/ Disagree essay. So it really does not require you to state your opinion. You need to start with a good hook. e.g.;

People need to work mainly to earn money to support their living.
Then tell the background of the topic;
However, it may not be the only reason why people choose to work.
Then write your thesis statement;
In my view there are other reasons such as ???????????? (list your reasons)

Writing Feedback / Epilepsy versus Seizures [3]


This is ok.... but you have taken a long way to reach your topic. I think this is a bit overdone hook. You should have introduced your main theme a little earlier than this.

Anyway, I like reading your paragraphs because they all are written on interesting topics. If you wish others feedbacks on your writing, please post them into the Writing Feedback forum where you can earn more comments :)

Writing Feedback / SCIENTIFIC MYSTERIES; Vaccines and autism [7]


... This is confusing. Is this what you wanted to mean?
There is a reason for why there are still such things called scientific mysteries. ... I still feel this is not a very good way to start; it's not clear to me yet :(


.... I think this provides a better entrance. You can polish it a bit more if you like;
Science simply cannot explain why or how certain things do occur.

Writing Feedback / Rising level of congestion and air pollution Vs Usage of private cars [2]

Include the purpose of your essay (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) so that others would provide you with more task related comments :)


... it's better you first talk about how private cars contribute this issue in order to have a better link with your hook. Then tell what needs to be done as to reduce the usage of private cars.


You have good grammar and vocabulary. But your sentences tend to sound a bit complicated. Some simple ideas you present in a more complex way. I wish if you avoided that style. Clarity is more important because it helps you organize your flow well and grab the reader's attention.

Undergraduate /  I'am from a very small and poor town in Peru; Registered Nursing Program [3]


I come from a very small town in Peru, named V entanilla.


Growing up in this poor town with my aunt , Flor made me appreciate things differently from other people from a very tender age.


The life there was no way closer to even averagely comfortable one.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-- The inernet is dangerous and unreliable [3]

Ok....you are a newbie :) So I have a few requests for you. First, open your TOEFL threads in the Writing Feedback forum. Second, have a more meaningful topic. I attended to both your forum and the topic.


With the rapid advancement of the Inernet technology, people became more reliant on search engines.

Undergraduate / Occupational Therapy Personal Statement on Importance of Adapting. Need Suggestions. [3]

I enjoyed reading your essay.


....this isca nice ending.
However, this is very diffrent to a normal SOP students do. Generally SOP speaks about you, but this is about your perception on success. It is difficult for us to understand the purpose of your writing without seeing the prompt.:(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Some people argue that the purpose of zoos is only to entertain people. [7]

First, please make sure that you post your IELTS essays to the Writing Feedback forum. (I moved this from Undergraduate ) to Writing Feedback.


...well.... this sentence does not sound very logical to me. I dobt there is such debate. Your prompt says how some people perceive the primary objective of a zoo and it does not talk about any other views. I feel you should stay within that scope.

Undergraduate / Math has always been my strength ; UA&P [14]

Hi
It's always good to have your prompt included so that others get to know exactly what they expect from you. So we can provide you with more relevant comments :)


... why did you say " when I never reviewed anything in English" ? I guess you tried to mean something else, but it has not come right :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- UNIVERSITY STUDENTS SHOULD ATTEND CLASSES OR NOT? [6]

Well, in this line you say studying in groups is more effective than studying alone. This is your position on the argument suggested by your prompt. Why do you think so? The answers for that question are the reasons that you use to justify your position. What Pahan suggested is that you need to start with one of such reasons to avoid repeating your claim on your opinion. I think that's a good advice because it makes your essay sound more productive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Student's loss interest in teaching profession [2]


.... why you narrow down the scope of your topic to students? Your prompt talks about young generation and not students;
However, as generations have passed by, it is observed that young people have lost their interest in this important profession and do not wish to pursue a teaching career.


before this point talk about the role played by the Internet.

Writing Feedback / HARD TIMES; My little son's surgery [3]


.... Hmmmmmm some things is not right here :( I guess this is what you wanted to say;
Doctors said that this is a rare disease that does not give too much time for us to make a decision.


According to them, we had two options;


Imagining my son's death and the painful burial.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Research suggests characteristics we are born with are stronger than experience [3]

Your whole introduction is just one line. That's too long and very confusing.

Writing Feedback / The Internet is becoming more and more central to our lives [9]

Hi
Seems you are new to the forum. So, I have several requests for you; Have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. It's better you include the purpose too (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) Then include post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

I think this needs a few structural adjustments.

Writing Feedback / 'avoiding sorrow' Happiness is considered very important in life. [4]


... structure of life? This is not very clear... what do you mean? Do you mean happiness is circumstantial?


... poor sentence... grammatically incorrect too... Also like and desire both have similar meanings and therefore it sounds redundant.

Writing Feedback / 'Humans are bound to do mistakes' - I prefer machine made items [5]


I would prefer machine made clothes or furniture than hand made machines or clothes.
Well... I guess, this is not the best way to open your essay. I mean to start with expressing your view like a direct answer to your prompt.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL _ Should high school students be made wear uniform or not? [5]


.... this has grammar issues;
....prevent them from wasting their time on discussing over what they wear.
prevent from
However, in my view, to allowing high school students to wear what they want is more beneficial.

Writing Feedback / Toefl:Should parents accompany their children to play games? [4]


... this is not strong enough :( You need to have a good hook that binds the reader to read your document.

Writing Feedback / The problem of mass migration of workers to urban areas [3]

Hi
It seems that you are now to the forum. I shall give you a few tips that would you earn more feed backs ;
Include the prompt in your essay and mention the purpose of this writing.