Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is essential to have the death penalty to reduce violent crime. [4]


.... death penalty


.... murder is a capital crime.
death penalty was one of the most common judicial punishments that was used to minimize the capital crimes taking place in almost every society.
I think you need to pay attention to your essay structure, otherwise you'd run into problems. Remember, you need to manage and have all important features, which would help you earn marks, in your essay.

Scholarship / As I seek to place myself on the cutting-edge of the studies in membrane technology! [4]

Hi,
First, what's the prompt? It is easy for us to provide you with comments when we know exactly what they ask from you. Include the prompt with your response.


... Well this has a problem :( Are you talking about two types of technologies?.... Also, I wish if you had been more creative in presenting how your interest grew .


I was looking for a research field which is popular as well as giving me promising career opportunities.

Writing Feedback / Continued use of fossil fuels is incompatible with avoiding harmful climatic changes [2]



... This is an incomplete sentence and we don't get your idea clearly :(
Your introduction needs lots of improvement with its presentation. Try to convey your ideas in more simple sentences.

Writing Feedback / Increasing amount of violence on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior [5]


Yep.... looks like you have a point here.


I agree that repetition is not very appealing in an essay. However, using a wrong word is worst. If you do not wish to repeat the word "negative" then use a word like "adverse". The word pessimistic is totally inappropriate in this case.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASk 2-Many species of animals and plants are in danger of being extinct. What [6]


it should be "many animals" and "most of the animals" .... So;
We are now at a point where many animals , if not most of them, and plants are on the verge of becoming extinct.


Don't worry about this. Keep practicing and you'll improve for sure. Try to pick points and memorize them by reading others essays on similar topics.

Writing Feedback / [ielts task2]Nowadays some people prefer to rebuild or redesign the old houses..... [2]

Okkkkkk.... here I am as you requested in uhnna's thread.
Good introduction. You write very well, however, pay attention to the structure that can earn you more marks and also helps you manage time for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays many people do longer work hours and have more stress.. [3]


.... This is your hook.... Make it more simpler and interesting to attract the reader with a punch. This line is a bit too long.
Also include examples for your reasons in the body paragraphs. It's important if you wish to go for a higher band.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Teenagers encouraged to work part-time.Good or bad? [4]

... this sentence is a bit too long;
People who are in favor of gap year claim that it gives an opportunity for the students to gain valuable experience and skills to be successful in their future careers.

You need to support these reasons with specific examples. That helps you earn marks :)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] People who can't accept others' criticism can't succeed in group working [3]


In our everyday life, we interact with different people who may hold very different opinions, both positive and negative, about us and our work.


... good sentence :)



It's the idea that everybody's opinion is accounted for.

Writing Feedback / Increasing amount of violence on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior [5]



.... pessimistic is not the right word to use here. It means "expecting the worst outcome". Also this prompt is about whether you agree or not on the statement that violent movies on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior. So, stick to that;

In my opinion, these violent movies can have serious negative effects on children's behavior.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]All schoold teachers should be required to take the courses in every five year [3]


....This is your opinion. and not a reason. Tell the reason why you believe it is so and then give a specific example to support your reason.


.... this is your reason. So start with this !


.... this is fine. However, this reason is too close to the one you said in the above para.

Writing Feedback / Some people are of the opinion that looking back the past is waste of time [4]


waste of time


....while others claim that studying history brings great benefits to people, especially to the children.


....you said it's a claim
Well.... this looks like an IETLS or TOEFL essay. You should have mentioned in the topic. Also, make sure your topic is more meaningful to catch the readers attention. (I changed it) and you post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Areas where Computer are more important & where Teachers are more important [6]


It is evident that this device plays a crucial role in their educational activities providing them with a vast knowledge on various subjects. However, still the majority of people rely on traditional classroom method as their primary source for educating themselves where the teachers play an important role in guiding them to enhance their knowledge.

Writing Feedback / IETLS; A Claim Letter against Insurance Company [2]


.... You have adopted the correct formal tone for this type of a letter. However, I feel this sentence is a bit too long and it would read better if you split to two. Also, you better first introduce yourself to them;

I am xxxxxx and the holder of the above insurance cover policy. This letter is intended to lodge an insurance claim under the said policy for the loss of my laptop.

Writing Feedback / Why study? 'career preparation, gaining experiences, and increasing knowledge' [3]

jkjeremy has provided you with very good feedback as to improve your writing and I hope you pay enough attention to the points he highlighted. I thought I'd tell you the my overall expression about your writing. I think you have an understanding as to how it needs to be structured as your essay contains essential features. Avoid repetition and improve your flow. With more practice you can aim at a good score. Also, include the purpose in your topic (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS etc.) . That helps others to align their comments with what those tasks expect.

Writing Feedback / ILETS: Should Crime be penalized with fixed or variable sentences ? [10]



.... tell this with direct speech. That is more apealing to the reader :)
Different countries enforce different sentences with regard to committing crimes.
[quote=zoha] both point of views [ /quote]
Pay attention to grammar.

Writing Feedback / Everyone makes 100s of simple,spontaneous decisions daily;2 Most Difficult Options [6]


.... first, why do you talk about major and minor courses ? What your prompt means is something else :(


.... tons go with weight and I prefer you used some word that deals with numbers :)
Everyone of us makes millions of decisions throughout our lives.


... what does this mean? Not very clear :(

Scholarship / The 99 or the 1? Beyond all Odds! ; How could this scholarship help me! [10]


.... I feel you better leave this out. Don't say you do not know how it's going to help you because it may reflect that you don't understand the value of it.


All in my life, I have never turned to anybody for help and this is the first time I am seeking assistance to fulfill my life long goal. Yes, this scholarship would help me further my professional training ...

Writing Feedback / Truth should be noticed substantially - it's the foundation of any relationship [3]


.... why you talk about experts? it's not clear to the reader :(


... I don't find any relevance between the first and the second parts of this sentence.


.... express your ideas more clearly and direct. Otherwise you may confuse the reader :(
Also ... these TOEFL essays need to be posted to the Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / Using consultansy or listening to the own people; GRE analyze & issue [4]

]While I believe that it is necessary to appreciate and incorporate the views of one's ownthe employees, I also strongly disagree that it obviates the need for hiring consultants to suggest more efficient working methods.[/quote]


First, the employees of a company may lack necessary expertise knowledge to act upon certain situations efficiently.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 IELTS- Acid rain emissions in UK over a period of 17 years [5]


The graph illustrates the acid rain emitted from four different sectors in the United Kingdom over a period of seventeen years.


... why do you talk about groups here.... that's no where indicated in the prompt or the graph. This is a report you make based on your observations and therefore you need to stick to what the graph presents only.

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to be able to work alone or in group? [4]

Hi,
I understand you are new to the forum. I wish to stress a few important things that would help you too to earn more relevant feedbacks. First tell the purpose of your writing in the Subject field with the topic. (e.g. IETLTS, TOEFL etc.) Then include the full prompt in your essay so that we can understand what is expected from you by the prompt. Then post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum. In this case I moved it from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback.

Make another post here to tell the purpose and the prompt. I can align my comments with your prompt then.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay.....will technology deteriorate our thinking abilities? [5]


... this is my suggestion;
Another revolutionary invention had been the Sensor. .... I capitalized the word to give more emphasis to that.


This invention enables us to control devices remotely.


... Instead of those two words you can use "however"
[quote=harsha13 At least for the old televisions we used remote controller. quote]

Writing Feedback / IELTS Letter ; Asking a friend to be my partner! [6]


This is very good writing. You can write well and I feel you have improved a lot with the approach too. I wish to stress the points on my first suggestion above. The first one is about the tone. He's your friend , so you've got to be friendly, less serious and polite. However, the subject is a serious one because you are deciding to enter into a joint venture. So, don't use a tone that is too informal. That's the reason I cut the word "Gary" off. Always make sure you adopt the right tone to give the right feeling to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Everyone makes 100s of simple,spontaneous decisions daily;2 Most Difficult Options [6]


.... how about their passions?
This is because people are concerned about money, social status and their own skills.


First, the major that we are mostly interested in may require a big sum of tuition fees, however, may be less financially rewarding in the long run compared to the other option.

Writing Feedback / Advance in the field of Information technology is altering people's lifestyles [5]


...This is a very confusing sentence. What do you try to mean? What are the libraries that you are talking of?


.... there are several grammar errors here;
they tend to be physically inactive and subsequently become vulnerable to various sicknesses such as diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular disease etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : WRITING A RESPONSE LETTER TO A COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE [3]


... I don't understand what you mean by that word. Anyway, you don't have to tell all those minor details to this person. Tell her your pipe lines were blocked and had to get a plumber employed to fix the problem. And while he was attending to the problem, he used his drill that may have made that intolerable noise which spread out to the neighborhood.

Also, post all your IELTS essays into "Writing Feedback" forum. I moved this essay from Essay Termpapers to Writing Feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Letter ; Asking a friend to be my partner! [6]


I hope you are in good health / I hope you are doing fine


.... this is a confusing sentence. Also, before you come to this point try to talk about the background;
I am very impressed with your business proposal and it seems you have put lots of effort and time in researching important aspects and analyzing its feasibility.

Writing Feedback / Should new editors decide what to broadcast on TV &what to print in the newspapers? [6]


Secondly, media industry relies heavily on popularity and demand.


... good points... where are the examples? You need to back your reasons with specific examples and none of your body paragraphs contain such examples :)


.... add to some flavor and glamour

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should we not pay tax to the authorities? [10]



... Well .... you have expressed your opinion in a very confusing manner and I see Pahan is one such victim :D.... One can easily be mistaken to believe that you would hold the opposite opinion. Express your opinion clearly and direct;

However, I personally feel that we should pay tax to the government because such income would enable the government to improve the facilities and living standards for its people.

Writing Feedback / While the unpaid community service is useful for our society, we should not force students to do it [4]

On the other hand, most of high school students will not be happy if they are forced to work without payment


...."motivation" is a good keyword to use here;
Such unhappy students would not productively contribute to their given tasks.


... this is not very clear. Also, you should have stopped with one reason per body para.

Writing Feedback / Team Work Vs Working Independently ; Which is better? [4]

Hi,
What's the purpose of this writing? It's always better to mention that in your topic (in the subject field when you are opening a new thread) and also include the full prompt in your essay. It sounds like you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, my advice for you is to follow an essay structure that is preferred by those exams.

Scholarship / The 99 or the 1? Beyond all Odds! ; How could this scholarship help me! [10]


From such tender age of eight, I must have started discovering who I was.


This was the birth of a feminist.
At 14,depression and desperation set in at its heights and I tried to commit suicide.


I sought help from the doctor thinking he would understand my plight. But to my dismay, he discharged me the next day letting me return home, to the same old house, and I was back at square one again.

Undergraduate / 'A varsity player in chess' - Significant experiences/accomplishment [5]


.... it is sort of understood.
There were many experiences that have been instrumental in shaping me into the person who I am today.
What's your prompt? If it asks you to talk about one specific experience, I feel it is better to stick to one and introduce it at the beginning .

Even when I was in preschool, I amhad been a consistent honor student.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Social status of man is influenced by education parenting and environment [7]


... This is your hook. So let's make it more meaningful :)
I feel "Social behavior" is a better term to replace "Social status" because your topic deals more with behaviors than status of a person.


... I don't think there is such dispute which means disagreement, but in a more heated manner. You need to be careful when using synonyms because the words with similar meanings may give a total different impression to your sentence.

Scholarship / I did not have an American dream; QuestBridge Scholarship / Biographical essay [11]


I love it ... go ahead! :) you seems to very poetic :D

Writing Feedback / Which do you prefer ? To study alone or To study with a group of students? [8]

.... this is good advice.
Yes, you need to follow a more organized structure for your essay. I have advised you in one of your previous essays as to how it should be. Hope you'll post this essay again in the right form of structure.

Writing Feedback / City should preserve its old, historic buildings - it's part of city history [6]

What's the purpose of your writing? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL? If so, my advice for you is not to start the essay with your opinion. Introduce the topic to the reader first. So your first sentence should provide a hook, in other words it should be a statement that can catch the reader's attention. Then tell the background of the question and why it is important to discuss. Then express your opinion.

Writing Feedback / It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. [3]


... grammar error - children grow up and not the countryside grow up;
... it is better for the children to grow up in the countryside / ....it is better that children grow up in the countryside.
Your introduction needs improvement with its structure.

Writing Feedback / Electromagnetic induction / How metal detectors work? [3]

all-metal detectors, iron metal detectors and aluminum foil metal detectors.
They enjoy wide popularity around the world , which gainwhile gaining the highest market share


I don't have the subject knowledge, but these are well written responses :D