Undergraduate / "FSU will prepare me for my Climax" (Vires, Artes, Mores) [3]

And I, I hope, am still in the beginning.---awkward but cool. Maybe you could make it less stop-and-go:
And I am still in my beginning (I hope).

Hmmm... I don't know... the parentheses arenot great either.. Your way of doing it is probably best! :-)

FSU will make me whole.---based on your analysis, this means FSY will make you end.

You should add a little more to that first para, because it is supposed to be an intro to the essay, and it actually does not introduce the main idea of the essay. There is a disconnect. If you add one good sentence to the end of the first paragraph, you can make it so that the first paragraph introduces a theme that connects the ideas of the body paragraphs to the idea expressed in the Aristotle reference.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Academic Decathlon" UC Prompt #2 [3]


Here is the sentence I don't like. It ends the first paragraph in a random sort of way. I think you can mention that pentathlete, but it is not the most important thing. End the first para with a sentence that gives a message to the reader, something you want the reader to remember.

Regrettably, I could not attend the Awards Ceremony later that month. ---Here is another example of a detail that is part of the story but not necessarily part of your PURPOSE in writing the thing. What do you want the reader to be thinking when finishing the essay?You want her to be thinking about a thought you have planted in here brain. So, as you revise, think about your main purpose in what you are doing. Always act based on the specific result you want.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why "Afropsychology" Major- Johns Hopkins- Student-Designed Major [13]

...Center chanting while panting, "Books not bars!" (Right here, give a sentence that clarifies all that the reader has seen so far. Connect the dots for the reader so that she can make sense of afropsychology before going on to the next paragraph.

The theme of this essay really is excellent. If you want to improve it, try to use the first and last sentence of each paragraph to make sure the reader is not confused about what you are talking about.

For example, you could use another sentence right before this one: The next day, there were floods...----At the time I read this sentence I am not thinking of the day as a particular day you experienced... I have already forgotten that you mentioned you are remembering your experience of a particular day, so it confuses me when you transition from a description of the event into "The next day..."

But you can easily improve clarity by adding sentences of explanation to the beginning and end of some paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My camera and assisting others" - where I come from [5]

You are so creative and interesting! I like this essay... Here, I'll make a little suggestion:
...a perspective to which I was accustomed to as a student of a small, private Christian school.

...accustomed to being a part of a large...

Here is a place where it is convoluted, and some short sentences can help:
The exposure, or the outcome, of a photo, or a choice I make, is affected by the ISO, the aperture and the shutter speed, or in short, my morals, attitudes and personality traits. -----I suggest some short sentences, like "The exposure, or outcome, of a photo is affected by the aperture or shutter speed. Likewise, my..."

I like the part about changing lenses. Really, essays don't get much better than this; very clever!

Undergraduate / "Learning to adapt, medicine studies" - Strengths and Weaknesses essay -- Penn State [3]

This is very well written. I have only looked at the first 2 paragraphs, and already I needed to pause and give you a compliment. I think you have a great theme, and a good word to use in this essay is "methodical." You are a methodical thinker.


Excellent! And the way you acknowledged the importance of flexibility at the end is great, too. I don't think I could have come up with a better way to approach this essay.

...comfortable within its confines. ---good use of words here...

Here is a tricky use of verb tense that I'll correct for you:
Should my life play out the way I planned it as a teenager, my prudence has will have served me well.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I will become an author-architect" - UT Essay D for Architecture Admission [3]


Clever theme!!

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you should add a razor-sharp tip to the end of the spear:
...introduced me to my passion: architecture for sustainability.

That is a GREAT theme for an essay and for a career.

Always get rid of "that" when unnecessary:
I never knew that architecture would become ...

This essay is strong. I think you can make it stronger by reading 2 relevant, recent articles and citing them in the paper. You only need to invest about 20 or 30 words to accomplish this, and it will make the essay even better.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a big family of nine" - where I come from [5]

I am going to correct the grammar in this essay, and I hope you find all the changes I made and make a list of them. Practice each sentence 10 times, speaking it and writing it 10 times, so that you can remember the correct grammar:

Growing up in a big family of nine was one of many challenges in my family, and my parents not knowing any English made things simply hard, but knowing that my parents will always have my back gave me a lot of confidence.

It encourages me to strive for success and overcome challenges that come my way. and achieve it.

With this knowledge, In knowing so, I am making my parents proud of me and helping them achieve their dream that they have set upon me.

Being a part from of the minority is also hard, because we were the ones without voices.
A part of OR Apart from? These are opposites. Discuss them with your friends to make sure you understand.

Hey, some of your sentences are excellent! I like this one especially: Being in this program change me and help me realize that things happen for a reason and sometimes you can do so much to change or help it.

My world has shaped my dreams and aspirations a lot.

My world where I come from gave me many advices lessons and a lot of challenges.

You do not have to ever use s on the end of advice. advices You can just say, "She gave me a lot of advice."

This will be a path that I am challenging myself to succeed travel, and it is another stepping stone that I have to take to get to where I want to be.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the easy environment provided by my parents" - describe the world you come from [7]

*TRANSITION* One year later, my mother handed me the job to handle the family's monthly bills, and that is what really initiated my interest in the fields of statistics and finance...----I was going to say I did not think you needed a transition sentence between these 2 sentences, but now I see that I was working with the wrong version of the essay. I like the newer version more. I think "Chinese parents being to hard on kids" is an overused topic that the AO reader sees all the time.

So I like this new topic....I want to mention, though, that this is not a good topic sentence:
5 years later, I tuned 15. ---Not a good paragraph topic sentence. They want to see that you can write with good structure, and that means writing topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph. It is boring to say 5 years went by and you turned 15.

Also, it is usually bad to write "I believe" because it is not helpful... if you just state the belief the reader will know it is what you believe:

I believe that, w With the things skills that I will learn in the future, one day, I can realize my dream of being an analyst in the Wall Street.

You did a great job here!! I only wanted to point out these 2 little ideas...

Undergraduate / I lost 2 boys.... common app essay [3]

My ethnicity, and the culturally diverse environment that in which I was I was raised gave me...

Here is how I suggest writing this sentence:
Having three countries from all over the world mixed within me, I was always shy and reluctant to tell my story.

I think this essay is very effective because of the way it gives clear, specific details and explains the way you were thinking.

Here is a place where you can be clearer:
I learned how to give use authority without being disliked.

Right at the end here, you can get rid of the word "that"
I hope that I can have the opportunity to...

Undergraduate / the National Achievers Society, My Qualities and Unique Characteristics (UCF Prompt) [4]

I think it would be great to use a word other than "learner" here:
Not only have I learned to be an exceptional learner a methodical thinker, but the things taught to me will also continue to benefit me as a leader ...

And number agreemment here:
Both of these organizations have played important parts in facilitating my achievements in which I look forward to bring to the UCF community.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I joined a boarding school" (your world, community, school) [2]

The faculty here makes sure that no student's mind is fixed solely on the school and that everybody engages in the world around them at all times (I think you should say something more specific here, because it is getting very vague.

The discussion of CARE is very good!

In this kind of sentence, it is good to use a pair of commas:
I aspire to provide the destitute of my country, like the ones across the street from the hotel, with an opportunity to work and rightfully earn their money rather than disgracefully roam the roads begging for it. ----This is a very well-written sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Art of Puppeteering" - my family, school, world [6]

Hi Alice, welcome to EssayForum!

The sounds...----> embody
The sounds of clapping and whistling embodies embody the ...

Wait a minute... I think you are using embody incorrectly. Maybe you mean "pervade?" But what is the forefront?
Maybe sounds pervade the forefront of XXXX (something).

A period of seventeen y ears has erased all its...

Even though it doesn't like to admit it, even though the puppet hates it, the puppet has to face the truth; it is reliant on the puppeteer, its master. ---brilliant!! This is very good writing...

It is better to use the words: and 14 fourteen different theatres, never staying

...to keep me in check, I will gladly take that step in this direction. For I am free to choose, and I choose you. n---I like it more if it does not have "For."

This is very impressive!! Everything about it is great...

Writing Feedback / The importance of students' sports activities [3]

However, universities should give more money to students' sports activities than they give to their university libraries. Students will benifit more from sports than from books, and sports activities also cost more money.-----I changed this long sentence into 2 sentences so that it will be clearer.

Your grammar is usually excellent, but you should use a spell checker:
responsible

you should use the word "requires" instead of needs:
Furthermore, sports activities require more money than libraries do. Universities need to hire coaches for each sport team. Participating in various games also needs requires money to supply the

Grammar: investment is OR investments are BUT NOT investment are
In summary, investment on students' sports activities is both more ...

Your English is great!I totally disagree with you, though. :-) If you go to the school library, are you always able to find an available computer? I think more $$ should be invested in computers and software to help English language learners and people interested in being proactive about education.

On the other hand, if no money at all was spent on sports, kids would still play sports. Libraries require a lot of technology, but sports require very little technology.

Undergraduate / I Walk By Faith - Common App Choice [4]


hahah, whyt is it unfortunate!? I think it is great to have a parent who is passionate and thoughtful about being a spiritual leader.

...define describe as peachy.---- If you use the word "define" you need to give a definition of something.

I believe that our lives are enclosed in "bubbles" and anything outside of them will never have any sort of significance to us. ---This is intriguing, but it is not a belief. It is just a true fact. In our subjective experience we can never know anything except the stimuli we directly experience. So, it is not a hypothesis; it is an insight into the nature of the subjective human experience.

I hope you have time, Park, to study the work of Nikolai Berdyaev, my new favorite philosopher. He was an atheist until he gained an insight similar to yours. He believes that matter did not exist and make it possible for humans to be alive. He believes that consciousness existed and is having a dream.

Here is a suggestion to add some detail and meaningfulness:
As cliché as it sounds, it is my goal. Specifically, I want to _____________________. And some of my readers may doubt it, but unlike them, I have faith. After all, I am a PK.

I like your username!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Airport security, TSA" - Issue Of Importance. [3]

I prefer to see people give a more detailed response than the one Arman gave here, but I do agree with him.It seems that you are just giving an overview, but if the issue is important to you it probably is one you have an opinion about.

You can find many articles that show arguments from the opposing viewpoints. You can also cite other people's arguments. Google John Tyner, for example.

Also, discuss the overarching themes: personal privacy vs safety. Also, do these security measures actually prevent attacks, or will terrorists just work around them?

:-) Good luck with this! I think it is a good choice of topic.

Undergraduate / "passionate for life and eager for engineering knowledge" - why Rice-- be happy [4]

It is better to use fewer words when you can:
I am a sunny boy, who is passionate for about life and eager for knowledge.

Keep the verb form the same: longing and ----> searching
Apart from longing for love and search searching for knowledge, concerns for others also guide my life. ----now this is a beautiful sentence!

You have a great, poetic writing style. I like it. The essay is a little disorganized, but the kind of writing you use is very good. However, I think you should google this: structure, composition, paragraph topic sentence, organization.

Practice to write paragraphs that begin with topic sentences and then explain the meaning of the topic sentence. One paragraph = one idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Living in two worlds" - UC Prompt #1 [4]

I've very thankful
I'm very thankful for the way in which my parents raised me.

...becoming a doctor physician.

...will be done from the goodness of my heart.---This is a great sentence!

These values have transferred ----You can have a great essay if you put this paragraph in the first essay and also include the great last paragraph of the first essay. I like the last paragraph of each essay a lot!

I think physician is a better word than doctor.

Undergraduate / "Immigrant parents from Mexico" - my workd, family, community [3]

My parents can be described as being hardworking and resilient.

When you use 2 or more adjectives in a row, separate them with commas:
My father was born in a small, impoverished ...

...own lunch truck and started their own business. (end the paragraph)

Start a new paragraph:
Throughout my whole life nothing really

Use an apostrophe:
My parents' business...

... was struggling due to the economy and they eventually lost their house. due to this. ---Those words are not necessary. The sentence is better off without them.

:-)

I like the ending.

Undergraduate / Living in America taught me to value my Indian heritage - significant event [12]

Let's take out some words just because we can:

I mournfully decided to stay continue my studies in this country of English speakers. in order to continue my studies .

Gradually, the culture brought me closer to being an actual American: drinking large quantities of soda and surviving on fast-food.---hahhaa, is that how you think of Americans! Some of us drink seltzer water and refuse to eat any animals! :-) That is a funny way to describe Americans, though...

Use a comma in this situation, as you introduce dialogue:
... with the question, "You haven't been eating any meat, have you?" Time and again when I go to the mall, this question

Capitalize Thanksgiving.

I don't think you really said anything about American values, even though mentioned them. You portrayed America in a very negative way and made an unfair generalization, and that can reflect negatively on you in the mind of the AO reader. So... I think you should try to make it a more balanced discussion.

Also, it will be great if you can pinpoint specifically what it is that made you appreciate your culture. Was it contrast against the sloppiness of Americans? Is there some special characteristic of Indian culture that is close to your heart? It is not meaningful to just relish uniqueness for its own sake, but it is meaningful if you can pinpoint some defining cultural characteristic that is most important to you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Art of Storytelling" talent, world [4]

There is a certain richness and beauty ----To be grammatically correct it would need to say "There are..." but that would not sound right. So, I just cut out "richness and"

At the end of the first paragraph, I am thinking that you are saying you want a career in storytelling perhaps journalism or writing fiction. But at the end of the essay I see that you are saying you want to live in a way that will make great stories. That is a good idea! But I think you should spend a paragraph telling the story of what you are going to do in the next 2 years or 4 years to embark upon a great process. To do what you intend to do, you need a great action plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / How's my FIT application essay for Fashion Merchandising Management? [5]


The apostrophe should be after the s:
parents'

Use a comma when it is a compound sentence:
My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life, and it hasn't...

In that first line, I think you should replace the word family with a word that names the type of business. (i.e. my parents' jewelry manufacturing business). It is not necessary to specify "family" because the sentence explains that.

I should go into Fashion Merchandising Management.---It depends on the reason you obsess with it. Sometimes the subject that interests you can mislead you about what you want to do every day for your work day.

As I continue to read, I see that you did a good job of showing that you have a level head and a well-constructed plan. This is pretty great!

I suggest three instead of 3.

between my much older sister and me .

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Where is the Line Defined?" - Argumentative Essay-no OUTSIDE SOURCES! [3]


At the end of the first paragraph I am wondering why this is worth writing about. It would be good to add a thesis statement after this sentence above.

Reflecting back on my first encounter of boulevarding, I remember...

Apparently, SMU had a rule allowing the consumption of alcohol by students under the supervision of their parents. ----Is this actually true? Were adults providing alcohol to minors??

Opposed by to this decision, I believe that students who are of underage should not be allowed ...

If we cannot even verify the supervision of parents for these freshman then what can we say about their actions? ---well, let them drink. That is how natural selection works, I guess. It's too bad, though.

Never use "that" in this situation.
Students may reply, that "Well my parents are with me so it is okay ."

Well, what is the message of the essay? That you oppose underage drinking? I think you can make a connection between this issue and your careers of interest. What can you do with your life to improve situations like this...what will you do? :-)

Undergraduate / "MY OWN PATH, Chinese mothers" - CommonApp Essay [6]

Although these doctors and nurses had such a big job on their hands with taking care of very sick patients , they were vibrant and jovial people.

I cannot fulfill my mother's desires because I am not like my cousins, or the children of her friends. -------awesome sentence... you are not only opinionated and ambitious but also a great communicator.

Their path is the path I wish to take and it is the life I want.---beautiful. If this is true, you will cite some medical journal articles pertaining to one of the specializations that interest you. What med specializations interest you?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Love Thy Teacher's Beard"-person of influence essay [6]


...exuberating charisma, flowing locks of hair, and a beard---This does not make him special.
This does not really say anything. Instead of saying amazing you can say something that actually shows why he is amazing.

Brad, better known as Mr. Sharp, is an English teacher at my school. ---- When I was in high school a girl in my class had an affair with a teacher and it was like a terrible scandal... Calling him by his first name seems not to serve a good purpose here.

how attractive he is. ----This seems to be going in a bad direction. The AO reader does not favor the student who is too busy with a crush on a teacher to write an essay about HER career goals and HER intentions for the next year or two in college.

Oh! ha ha... now I realize that you do not have a crush on him... ha ha... well, alright, I know he used an opportunity to show dissatisfaction several times until finally giving you a big boost of confidence with approval, and I think that should be the main focus of the essay. Describing his looks is not central to the theme of your paper. You have a lot of irrelevant content. What is the main point of the essay?

I think you should reconsider the purpose of this essay and see what you can do to make more of the essay help to achieve your purpose. What is the main idea you want the reader to have when finishing? What idea do you think the reader is left with after reading this version?

You write very well!! My criticism for you is the kind I give to skillful writers who can do even better.

Undergraduate / "Esmeralda's situation, Mexico" - event, USC ESSAY [4]

Look at how much stronger it will be if you get rid of "I believe"
I believe e Everyone has a basic right to a fulfilling life.

...my life came into existence one night while talking with my cousin, Esmeralda, who shared with me the insight that ________________. (Tell something about the conversation here). After During that talk, I learned ...

A conversation I had with my cousin prioritized my values of education, family and perseverance and motivated me to become a source of change. You are repeating what you already told the reader. However, if you change "A" to "That" you can solve the problem.

My education is extremely important because it is an opportunity to live a life my cousin may never have an opportunity for. ---- what? Well, also it seems that you might want to try to do something to provide her with an opportunity in the future. I'll keep reading to see if you do what I am expecting you to do...

After so much reflecting, I realize how much I value my family. Don't waste any sentences saying what you already said.

I think the essay will be stronger if you end it with a discussion of a field of expertise you can enter and earn a good living and perhaps provide opportunities to the less fortunate people in your family. Instead of just talking about succeeding, talk about how you can turn your opportunity into an opportunity for others, which is really what this is all about.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Human beings' desire to know" - Personal Quality [4]

Describing the curiosity of a young child does not tell anyone anything about how you are now. I bet my mom would describe me similarly, because all children are like that. I don't think it is persuasive.

I have always illustrated exhibited a strong interest in knowing how and why different gadgets where made, and in what ways they could have been altered and improved. ---this is a great sentence! I almost want to suggest scrapping the first paragtraph and starting with this one.

As a playful, curious child, I could never accept something the way it was and had to know the story behind it. ---here, though, you are still repeating that same idea... over and over.

I would always want to know how we all came to be ---here is another example of something anyone could say. I think you should share ideas about recent journal articles that you have been reading... stuff related to your careers of interest.

Do not go on and on about childhood curiosity. Spend a lot of time discussing the recent developments that professionals in your fields of interest are making.

:-)

I think and considering that my curiosity would never leave me in peace, I am determined to seek enough knowledge to answer my everlasting questions and be ready to confront all the incoming ones.

Undergraduate / Intellectual Vitality - Stanford "Supreme Court Project" [4]

I am a relentless proponent of individual rights, and the court declared the search constitutional, a decision with which I disagreed.---this is a very well structures sentence!

Capitalize:
As the cliché goes, "There is more to it than ...

Awesome!! You did a great job. I think the reader will be so refreshed to read about a student who found out she was wrong.All adults feel that kids seldom can notice when their opinion was wrong. You approached this very well.

Undergraduate / My parents and education - my world [4]


I don't get it! What was the pastime? Some kind of sport? I think I am missing something.

As you continue to work on this, think of the way to transmit a message to the reader. What do you want the reader to be thinking when she finishes reading?

:-)

Undergraduate / Bathroom Stall Locks- Issue of importance [4]

Different ranges ---No, not different ranges.
Emotions raced across (my?)face as the ...

Use a hyphen: blood-curdling
hyphen: two-month

avoidance of direct eye contact ensued after being walked in on----awesome, heck of a topic!

Hahahahaha, you are so great!

This essay will be a million times better if you extend the theme to be all about school funding, a very meaningful topic. This is a poignant example of a consequence of insufficient school funding.

Undergraduate / "Music and Substance Abuse" - Issue of Importance Essay [7]

There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on

Here is a sentence that would be better with a comma, and every compound sentence should have a comma before the conjunction:
These substances are an escape from the perils of reality, and they can be used to make everyday life feel more enjoyable.

...finding the creativity and propelling it in the right direction to create the style that is personal to the individual. ---excellent insight here. Yes, you are sharing a state of mind when you play music. When you play, if you are in a bad state of mind you transmit that.

However, this enjoyment is only for the ones that are blinded by the drugs ----This is not entirely true, because a lot of the most popular musicians of all times were messed up on various substances. So it might be good to reword this sentence.

I'm proud to say that Andre, my friend, has fought his addictions and can enjoy his musical passion independently, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.----This is cool, but is it really the main idea of your essay? It seems like the essay is all about him and your resistance of the temptation to try drugs. But I think you should add a dimension to the theme, because it will be easy to add a "theme" that the reader will remember... for example, it is great if you have SUCH a strong desire to achieve a particular goal that you did not want to waste energy and brain cells on drugs.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Parents born in Mexico. Why I want to go to College"- UC Prompt [5]

I love your first paragraph.
Let's make it "we"
Not only do they provide me and my siblings with food and a roof over our heads, but also with any resources I we might need to achieve that dream.

You have a beautiful way of writing! I'll make a small change here, though:
I have faith, though, that whatever I choose to be, veterinarian or not, I will have the full support of my family. ---I added one comma.

Because What I have learned ...

...opportunities in the states United States my parent's parents' entire life has lives have been...

excellent writing here.... :-)

Research Papers / "Paper on the Dred Scott v. Sanford" -What is my professor asking of this assignment? [2]

The prof wants you to show that you understand how Douglas and Lincoln each responded to the decision. What readings were you assigned? I think you have to look into the reading and find the place where it tells you about each man's reaction to the decision.

Then, it will be easy to determine which you most agree with.

Here is a place to start... Google this: Abraham Lincoln's speech on the dred scott decision.

:-)

Graduate / "a desire to understand life differences" Personal Statement for Law School Admission [3]

Let's streamline:
The inequality I have witnessed and experienced has been and continues to be a driving force in my life.

The connection between me and a desire---unnecessarily complex... there is no need for a "connection between you and a desire.
The connection between me and a This desire...

I cannot think of a single group project where I allowed someone else to complete dictate an outcome that impacted me.---This seems wrong... like maybe you meant "completely"??

But it is not good to act as though you CANNOT let other people lead when necessary. You can add a detail to show that you understand followership as well as leadership.

The need to find Finding a law school that does not pin classmate against classmate is extremely important to me.

I believe I would not make it thrive in a school where I had was worried about constant competition with the person to my left, but I prefer the philosophy of William Mitchell because _____________...

:-)

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

Hello friend. I am not knowledgeable in this area, but I think it is probably easy to find a great topic by reading literature reviews.

Do you have a research study that interests you? It is not helpful for me to suggest a lot of random topics. Just find one article that is about something that really interests you. Read articles written by someone in your field, and find one that is very interesting to you. Read the literature review, and ask yourself what the next logical step might be in the work being done.

Your job is to "catch up" with what it being done in your field and make a great contribution. In order to contribute, you have to become an expert about how to use 1 or 2 styles of research that are often used in your field.

What types of research methods are often used in your field? Have you read any research articles recently?

:-)

Scholarship / "Not only politicians, but also business people" - Leadership Characteristics [3]

You should have some commas here to help regulate the sentence:
...for their best interest, because after all leadership is not about the individual but the wants and demands of the people. ----With a long sentence it is important to avoid extra stuff like "after all."

This is written with good grammar, but it is a little simplistic. If you are trying to demonstrate good writing, you succeeded, but if you are trying to introduce a new idea you have not. The essay can be improved if you share with the reader an insight that the reader may not already know.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Awkward phrase starting with 'therefore' - need help revising [6]


Yes.. it is bad to use juncture with when. Use juncture with where, because it is a place.

Also, juncture refers to where things join. Is it really the best word to use?

I face my final opportunity to change....
maybe like that?
:-)

Undergraduate / "A lesson with a patient Gina" - Someone Who Has Made Impact On My Life [4]

We should not begin with a sentence that is a "run on" sentence:
That was it, I had had enough!
That was it! I had had enough. I was just ...

Another tennis lesson taken, but, no improvement made. ----this sentence is great, even though technically it is not a complete sentence. It is okay because of "poetic license."

With Through Gina's advice, I've learned that you

Having gaining gained a whole new confidence and appreciation for

I have learned so many lessons from Gina, and I strive ... nice ending!!

Undergraduate / "My parent's divorce"- the most difficult adversity you have faced, how you dealt [3]

I'm trying to figure out if I agree with Alexia. I think it is okay to start with "the most difficult," but maybe it is awkward...

How about this:
The My most difficult adversity I have faced in my life has not ended yet. ---I like this sentence. I think it is stronger, because more energy is packed into a smaller space.

When you show possession for something that is plural, put the apostrophe after the s:
Beginning in May of this year, my parent 's parents' relationship began to
Nevertheless, I have faced the situation in a way the psychologist said to be called "amazing."----I added " " marks here...
My goals and passions have remained unchanged---I think you should give a sentence or two to describe them. :-)

Undergraduate / Acceptance of a small town girl going to a university [5]

Capitalize Catholic.

You did a great job with this! If you want to improve it, I think you should find a place in the essay to answer their question explicitly: I would contribute ________, _______, and _______ because ____________________...

However, it is great the way it is. The beginning is interesting. Still, I wish that somewhere near the beginning you could establish a clear theme. Right now the theme seems to be "I have never lived up to those names," but I think you could add a sentence AFTER this sentence (i.e. before ending the paragraph) and let the reader know specifically what the MESSAGE of the essay is.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My mother got me into the medical field" - Personal Statement [3]

That first paragraph demonstrates a very cool personality, but I think you have an opportunity to do something excellent if you revise based on some articles about specializations that interest you... for example, you might be very interested in particular kinds of surgery, and therefore you will be reading journal articles that physicians might read. There is plenty to learn, so if you are serious about being a physician you should be proactive and read what medical students read: articles written by physicians with the specializations that interest them.

You can also use this opportunity to demonstrate that the world you come from has included articles that help you to choose your specialization.

Let's not have any of this: As I entered elementary school, I always liked to play with baby dolls.

Focus on recent things. Focus on articles you have recently read rather than focusing on stuff from long ago in childhood.

So I think you should get more serious and specific. All this is not useful, because it is what someone would write if she had not actually done any reading about modern advancements in any particular area. I began researching all kinds of doctors and came across surgeons. There were cardiothoracic surgeons, colorectal surgeons, endocrine surgeons, neonatal surgeons - if you named a body part, there was a surgeon who specialized in it. The more I began reading into it, the more I realized that this was the job for me. I wanted to focus on (what seems most meaningful and exciting to you?), because I feel very strongly about (what makes this specialization your top choice?)

I began participating in the Health Occupation for Students of America club at my school and started going to work with my mother. --excellent!

Whenever one of my friends got hurt, I always volunteered to dissect the problem area, but most of them were skeptical. -----I think the essay should talk more about articles you are reading and less about childhood, and in general it should get more serious, but this line is SO great that I hope you include it.

:-)