Graduate / Graduate Essay on distance education and plans after completion [2]

You write good English. However, I wish you expressed your passion for this field more effectively. How it was nurtured, what you did to pursue your passion etc. It's good if your writing has a more emotional appealing instead of having a list of your credentials and experience. You surely need to talk about them. However, have your passion in the center. Give them an opportunity to know you better as a person.

Book Reports / Unexpected Sadness, Joy, negative marriage and freedom; The story of an Hour [2]


....there a few grammar fixes;
In "The story of an Hour", it was obvious that Mrs Louis Mallard, the main character, cracked own both emtionally and physically after receiving the news about the death of her husband from her sister.


....I feel you better break there and take the rest to another sentence.

Writing Feedback / Underground railway systems in the field of opening date, total length of route and annual ridership [10]


... Good introduction except for the part I highlighted;
The table illustrates the statistics of underground railway systems in six major cities in terms of date opened, length of route, number of passengers per year.

This is pretty good... all you lack is the "Conclusion" in which you tell a general finding of all these things. Once you do that your response is complete. You may say;

Hope this website would be helpful for you;

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Every country should produce more materials and goods? Agree or disagree? [3]

quote=bein]Some advocates of this idea cite that if governments need to have policies to encourage companies to produce[/quote


However, if supply exceeds demand over a long period, it would be an obvious disaster.
You have good writing skills... I guess you can go for a very good score .... Wish you good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: fixed punishment vs adjustable punishment. discuss [4]


"crime rate" or "rate of crimes" sound better




Well, I feel you need to have two things in mind when you do these practice essays ; Keep your writing aligned with the prompt. I think the following point is slightly out of topic;


--------- your prompt is about fixed and flexibility of punishment and you need to align this point with that aspect.
Second, follow the desired structure for this task.... You need to have specific examples for your reasons, which I don't find in your body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1; male and female fitness membership @ fitness center [3]

All IELTS essays need to be posted under "Writing Feedback" forum. Also, you should provide a meaningful topic for you essays (type a meaningful topic in the subject field). By doing so, you'd earn more feed backs for your writing.

As for your writing, I feel it's too short and I'm not sure it meets the minimum requirement of word count. Just check on that!

Graduate / Our country needs more efficient economic policies - Masters in Economics [5]


...capitalize the party to have prominance to it.


During my invovement with the NGO and politics, I realized that many economic policies, though not irrational, fail to benefit the poor people of our country.


This realization promoted me to study economics at the Korea Open University in hope of making my contribution one day to formulate more practical and efficient economic policies for our country.

Graduate / SOP for admission in masters in chemical and bioengineering [3]


This is all true, but it does not reveal anything about you as aperson. The admission panel would be more interested to know you throuh your SOP and may not want read general stuff they already know.


...I feel you can present this idea more creatively.


From the very beginning , I showed more interest in the subjects like mathematics and science and secured the best scores for them in my class.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Opinion on animal experimentation; Should continue! [4]

First introduce your topic to the reader. What does your prompt say?;


.... so get lots of help from the prompt;
Animals are often used for experiments and some people strongly oppose this act, claiming that it can cause a great pain to animals. However, others argue that this is a necessary requirement. In my opinion, this practice outweigh its negative effects on society and environment.

Writing Feedback / Some people enjoy reading novels and short stories. Others like watching movies. ? [3]


... what's the purpose of this writing? I first thought this is for IELTS or TOEFL practicing as the topic sounds a similar type of topics. However, your start confuses me as to understand why you write this essay. It's always good to include the prompt or question in your post so that we can help you with a clear mind.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Social behavior changes in some ways when children become adults! [6]


...your prompt talks about behavior only. So, keep your writing to cover that only.



.... your first part is incomplete;
Whereas older people seem to hide their feelings, young people let them our freely.
Transparency is a good key word for this idea... you can say children are more transparent than adults.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Increase in overweight and decrease in health - Causes & Measures [2]


Introduce your topic in a more simple and interesting manner without complicating your expression. Take lots of help from the prompt, but do not copy it one to one. You can rephrase it present that idea in a more convincing manner;

Overweight which results in deterioration of health has become an alarming threat to the world today.


Rather than telling this, briefly mention the reasons for this issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 1 : Adult Education (Pie graphs) [4]


The bar chart illustrates the reasons for adults deciding to study while the pie graphs show how the cost of each course should be shared.


... it's better if you broke this sentence into two to contain those trends separately;
According to the bar chart, the most popular reasons for adults deciding to study had been their interest in subject and desire for gaining qualifications. While 40% of the adults had the interest for subject, 38% of them did studies in hope of gaining qualifications. Least popular reasons had been changing the current job and meeting people and these reasons had 12% and 9% of the adults who participated in the survey.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Today young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs! [11]

no worries ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II. people choose to live alone or with friends rather with their family [5]


... I think you better separate the reasons from the trend. First tell that there is a trend like this as your prompt suggests (which is the important point) and then talk about the reasons;

Nowadays, living separately from families has become a trend among youngsters. This trend is naturally influenced by valid reasons such as meeting study and work requirements. However, some people perceive this trend as a negative development. I too agree with them.

Writing Feedback / 'growing concern'; Work or travel for a year beween high school and university [6]


....too long dear....have a more clear and short opening statement which gives the reader a punch!


... you have the tendency to complicate your sentences unnecessarily. That disturbs the clarity of your idea and may even annoy the reader. Keep your sentences clear and interesting!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Should driving be taught at school? [10]


...don't crowd your sentences with words unnecessarily. Keep it simple and clear!
quote=gmad06] However, I do not agree that it is necessary to include driving lessons atin school curriculum to solve this issue.[/quote



This is unfair by those who are not yet prepared to, or have any interest in, learning driving.

Writing Feedback / students of school age should be allowed to use cellphone [2]

First, I request you to add a meaningful topic for your essay when you open a new thread (type a meaningful topic in the "subject" field). It helps you earn good feed backs.


Telephone has been there for a quite long time... specify that it is the cellphone you talk about.
Well, in the introduction you should introduce your prompt to the reader. Then you should state your position regarding the argument.


.... this does not sound a strong sentence.
You need to improve on essay structure too.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

....beautiful .... Very impressive writing :)
This is absolutely good writing. You have told them how you perceive cultural diversity and what you aspire to do in future. However, you need to tell them what you are going to add to their community with cultural identity. Also you need to tell them what you expect from them too.

Scholarship / Describe Personal/Engineering Interests and Career Goals [5]


.... change the order to have more prominence to your involvement;
As a child, I remember how I enjoyed helping my father with troubleshooting, repairing and fixing computers of his clients in our little computer service station in the basement.


.... this seems a good structure and sounds very logical. You have written it well, but try to add some emotions to your writing to make it more appealing for the reader.

Writing Feedback / A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status [5]


Well.... just as others have commented above, I too need to tell that you should avoid writing such lengthy sentences. Also, your response for this IELTS task should be in the form of an essay. This looks like a direct answer to a question. You need to write an essay with an Introduction, Body paragraphs (at least two) and a conclusion. In the introduction, introduce the prompt to the reader and state your position on the argument. Then in body paras, tell reason for holding that position (one reason per para) and then support your reasoning with a specific example. In conclusion sum up what you said before and reinstate your position.

Writing Feedback / technology impact - we should keep the knowledge of traditional skills alive [3]


past tense of lead is led and "leaded" means;
1. (of windowpanes or a roof) Framed, covered, or weighted with lead.
2. (of gasoline) Containing tetraethyl lead: "leaded fuel"


.... well... changes take place all the time.... it not only occurred million years ago, but occurs every moment.... So, I think you need to present this idea more logically.

Writing Feedback / Mother Teresa; Essay on Role Model [3]

quote=carolyn]Mother Teresa was an incredible individual thatwho showed the world many things about religion, love and compassion for mankind.
Mother Teresa was an incredible personality who provided the world with many valuable insights about purpose of religion, love and compassion towards mankind.


... why do you use the word "worldview"? I feel her view was more about humanity and life of people. The word "world" , in my view, has a sense of politics. Just give some thought about this!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Do you agree to making unpaid community service compulsory in schools? [3]


well what's the link between this and your prompt? It's better you open your essay with something that has more relevance to your prompt because the task of the introduction is to introduce your prompt to the reader. So, whatever you say, it needs to connect well with what your prompt suggests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Today young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs! [11]

First, I wish to request you to have a meaningful topic for your essay when you open a new thread (you need to do this in the "subject" field). This is an important thing if you wish to earn good feed backs from others and also it's the forum rule.


There are many reasons that contribute to this problem.


First, the universities offer their students a more academic based curriculum which does not adequately provide students with a good practical exposure to gain knowledge as to how they could apply the theories in practical scenarios.

Writing Feedback / Should school children be allowed to use cellphone? [4]

Seems you are new to the forum. Please have a meaningful topic in the "subject" field when you open a new thread. Also, mention the purpose of your writing such as IETLTS, TOEFL or GRE. Again, include the full prompt with your essay as many others do so that others would provide you with more relevant feed backs.


..."Nowadays" and "day by day" clash with each other. Also, this sentence does not flow well.... Also, avoid expressing your ideas in a complicated manner with too many big words. What's more important is clarity and a beautiful flow;

With rapid advancement of technology, the quality of peoples lives are being improved almost day by day.


You need a link between your previous line and this. You talk about the cellphone all of a sudden without any reference to what you said earlier. Bridge the two ideas!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Fixed Punishment for each type of crime?or Consider circumstances & motivation? [5]



.... you need to re-phrase this sentence to convey your idea better;
Others think that more flexibility is needed in punishments and therefore the circumstances, motivation etc. need to be considered when punishing someone.
What is your opinion? You better mention that in the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work for children is good or bad? Discuss [10]

On the other hand, many educational experts believe that children could gain valuable work experience, learn many new things and take responsible for their life by engaging in some kind of paid work. .... Align your writing with your prompt.



Good point. However, I wish you shortened its length;
To begin with, children are easy to be exploited by employers because they are immature and have less life experiences. This leave room for chances of them being exploited without their knowledge.

Writing Feedback / Why most big cities are noise-polluted? Discussion [4]


Nowadays, noise pollution is becoming a serious problem in society. However, it has not yet appropriate level of consideration.


.... hey .... what do you mean by this?
You need to include your prompt with your essay for us to provide you with more relevant comments. Without seeing the prompt it is difficult to understand what your prompt expects.

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT: "Describe the world you come from." BEING AN IDENTICAL TWIN [4]


... nice start :)
No matter where I go, I often confront situations of mistaken identity of mine.


We look so very identical that my friends and teachers at school still do not know there exist two Woods.


Not even my grandmother could recognize which one is me when I show up without my twin sister.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Fixed or variable punishment for crimes [7]


... you have mentioned only one side of the argument and not said the other view


.... you better keep this in present tense.


Provide a specific example for each reason in your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; High paid insecure jobs VS low paid secure jobs - Which option is better? [6]


... yes.... it's important that you present your essay more readable if you expect good comments. This is a bad habit and EF members are required to stay away from this habit :D


.... This sentence is poorly constructed. It does not deliver your idea clearly.


... you need to mention about the salary too
You need to pay lots of attention to sentence construction. They lack clarity and not well organized. I suggest you to write more direct, simple sentences.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:-People learn things better from those at their own level [5]


...well, your prompt talks about the level and not demographics or ideologies. This level means that people of same functional capacity such as co-workers, fellow students etc. There may be co-workers who belong to different age groups. You need to understand what your prompt suggests and then keep your writing aligned with that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : REWARDING EMPLOYEES WITH CASH INCETIVES -GOOD or BAD? [4]


Yes... IELTS and TOEFL needs lots of practicing. By doing so, you can improve your vocabulary, grammar and everything about writing. Plus you'll be able to handle task allocated to this task more efficiently. IELTS and TOEFL test one's general skills in English writing, speaking and reading. They are certainly not very advanced English exams. So, your aim should be to deliver your ideas more clearly and effectively as per the framework suggested for these tasks. Avoid complicating your sentences with too many big words.

Graduate / SOP focusing on career and research goals in petroleum engineering [2]

You write good and clear English, but I feel your SOP is not convincing enough the admission panel that you are the right candidate. SOP is the best opportunity for you to tell them about you as a person and also it needs to stand out thousands of other applications. So, tell them you are (1) passionately interested in the field; (2) intelligent; (3) well-prepared academically and personally; (4) able to take on the challenges of grad school; (5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students - in other words, collegial; (6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion; and (7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

I'd suggest you to have a look at the following link which gives some insights about writing SOPs.
uni.edu/~gotera/gradapp/stmtpurpose.htm

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Surest indicator of a Great Nation [7]


.... well .... I don't say you go out of topic. What I tried to say was to align your writing with the topic better. For example;


The claim is that achievements of the rulers, artists, or scientists of a country is a clear indicator of its greatness. Then the reason for this claim is that such achievements contribute to enhance the quality of life of the majority people of their countries. So, in the above para, it is not very clear whether you support this claim and approve the reasoning. You say that countries like Japan, USA, France are examples for such great achievements. But you do not discuss how such achievements have benefited their people or whether they have really done so. You need to examine the validity of the claim as to whether such achievements can be considered as a good indicator of their greatness. Hope you got my point.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Surest indicator of a Great Nation [7]


... living standards of the people


... sounds incomplete ... you need to connect another matching idea to this one.
Also, you can mention that well being of their countries has immensely contributed to their achievements. For example, the facilities for sports provided by the state in the US is one of the main reasons for their sportsmen and women to secure gold medals at Olympics. .... You need to align your arguments with the prompt always.

Writing Feedback / What are the negative effects of overpopulation? [5]


Well....You really don't need to mention about other problems here. Your focus should be on overpopulation.;
Among many problems today, overpopulation is also one of the biggest issues.


....what do you mean by overloaded infrastructure?
Overpopulaion has resulted in many socioecomic issues such as povrety, health issues, unempoyment, severe road trafic, housing problems etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : REWARDING EMPLOYEES WITH CASH INCETIVES -GOOD or BAD? [4]


Well... I find this statement lacks logic because everybody needs to be motivated irrespective of the type of task they handle. So, it is not specific to business firms. It's important to start with a strong sentence.


Again you are going out of topic. Your prompt deals with ;


So your prompt specifically talks about how cash incentives impact employees who are rewarded and not rewarded. Make sure you introduce your prompt to the reader in its real sense in the introductory para.

Writing Feedback / Parents should send their children to school and let them live happily [3]

Well, it seems that you have lots of good ideas. However, you need to pen them down in a more logical way. In the introduction, pay mre attention to clearly intoduce your topic to the reader. Don't go out of topic and stay aligned with your prompt. Also, express your position in the intoductio. Then when you move to body paragraphs, give one reason in each para as to why hold that position. Support your argument with one specific example.