Letters / HIV infection rate has increased dramatically; Cover Letter - PhD(HIV) in Heidelberg [4]


The HIV infection rate has increased to an alarming level.


.... you need to capitalize all three or leave it out for all three


.... you need to pay lots of attention to grammar.
People who live with HIV are brutally discriminated in the Iranian society. ... this is not a fact for Iran only... In many countries, it is so.


I am strongly motivated to make my contribution to this field.

Writing Feedback / Books and experience - rate my essay for TOEFL iBT [5]

Please post your TOEFL Essays under Writing Feedback forum. Also, it's better you include your purpose of writing together with the essay prompt for us to provide you with more relevant comments;


In our day to day life, we keep acquiring knowledge by various ways.


... you need to improve this sentence....it's not clearly presented!
The following paragraphs will analyse which one is more important; Books or Experience?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Gender equality should be exercised in universities? [3]


.... Good opening. However, I feel they need fair treatment irrespective of which era they live in.
There is no doubt that men and women should be treated equally without discrimination based on gender.


.... you suddenly come up with this idea from the previous ... it's better you have a sentence in between to link the two;
However, when it comes to university admission, some people argue that universities should look into the qualifications of the students having a low consideration of gender representation. There are others who argue it should be based on accepting equal numbers of male and female students despite of students' credentials.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Reward or punishment for a good behavior? [6]



.... I prefer if you simplified this sentence a bit more.


In the worst case, it may develop hatred in a child towards his family.



Overall, this is a very impressive essay. You can surely write very well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Leisure time is for improving mind or resting mind? [4]


There are lots of ways that one can spend his leisure time.
Well... it's good if you posted your prompt... Then we know exactly what they expect from your response. Does it ask for your opinion about what you prefer to do during your leisure time or what is your view on this argument?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why attend Universities or Colleges? Specific reasons and examples [5]


Universities provide / Universities provides
Universities provide us with necessary knowledge and skills that help us find a decent career and lead a quality life.


... this sentence is grammatically wrong. It should be;
People have different reasons as to why they want to attend universities. However, these reasons may vary from one person to another.


"I will givereasons and support them"OR " I will give a reason and support it "
.

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]


You need to introduce the topic in the introduction. It is not done here. You can get lots of help from the prompt itself, but present it with your own words. Once you introduce the topic then you should state your opinion.

For example;
Some people wish to continue living in one place throughout their life while some prefer to move from one place to another looking for opportunities. Jobs, facilities and living standards, weather conditions, community requirements etc. are among the main reasons why they prefer to move. In my case too, I do not wish to confine myself into one particular place for living. Rather, I would move from one city to another that offers me better opportunities.

Writing Feedback / My trip to a nice and unusual village! [2]


..."gO to new places" is implied by the word "traveling".... so itsounds redundant.
I love to travel because it is a very enriching experience that enables a person to explore new cultures and new people, enjoy scenic beuty and most importantly, to broaden shis or perspectives.


....you better tell them what is your academic field and how it generates such opportunities.

Writing Feedback / What's more important? Roads or public transport? [5]

Mabossani


Good introduction. I only suggest a small change for the last sentence.
In my view, I believe that improving public transportation should be given priority over high ways.


By improving transportation government can increase many job opportunities .

Writing Feedback / Grade this GRE issue essay task out of 6.. feel free to point out any mistake [6]


This rule is set because EF's goal is to encourage our members to participate actively in the discussions and help them earn more feed backs for their posts. Also, when you help others, naturally you develop your own skills. If you need a more detailed answer for this question, please visit our Forum Faq page.

Writing Feedback / Students should find the field they are interested in and contribute to it. [4]



.... Start sentences with capital letters. It's difficult for others to identify your sentences when you present your essay in this manner :(
Note; student needs / students need



... pay attention to punctuation!
If a student who is not trained to coach children on how to play football, may not be able to prevent children from getting injured during their practice sessions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 65 ages and over population between 1940-2040 [6]


Overall, all three countries show an increase in the percentage population aged 65 and above during the period under review.


... This is a pretty confusing sentence.
Both Sweden and the USA show a steady upward trend until early nineteen eighties. Then the US slowed down and maintained marginally the same level and this trend is expected to continue till 2020. However, closer to the year 2000, Sweden shows a pick up in trend in upward direction. This trend is expected to continue till 2020.

It's always better to have short sentences with more clarity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Business letter explaining the reasons why I want to be away from work [5]

Please post your IELTS essays under "Writing Feedback" forum.


.... well... in many officers subordinates call their managers by first name. But in a more official letter you address your bosses as "Dear Sir"


.... why you specifically say "unpaid"? Generally employees are allowed to exercise paid leave and they manage their committments within this entitlement. (i.e. paid leave)... So, my suggestion is not to specify what type of leave that you are going to apply as your prompt too does not specify it;

I am writing this letter to inform you that I wish to take leave from work for 7 days with effective from 18th to 25th June in order to fulfill an important family commitment.

Now tell that your brother will be getting married and your family relies you on attending to wedding arrangements since they do not have support from any other person. ... You generally don't explain every activity that you have to perform, but gives the facts that justify your reason.

Writing Feedback / Being afraid of changing can make people conservative and less interesting than others. [6]


Well ... I think you need to improve on grammar, sentence structure, vocabulary and also the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Report- The number of vehicles crossing the Waterloo Bridge. [6]


Don't get tired of writing ... the more you write, the more you become proficient.... Also, it's just not writing alone; It's reading too.... Read others' essays so that you can pick more points and ideas for other essays.


They are always lower than the cap of 3000 vehicle each day.

Writing Feedback / 'censorhip'; Creative artists should have freedom to express their views [3]


.... It's not just last decades... Even in ancient times, the artists used to talk to their people through their creative work.


... this too is not presented well.... when was censorship was intorduced? You have to talk in a bit more detail. Also, I found the following essay written on the same topic and I feel it's worth reading.

Writing Feedback / Minimum Legal Drinking Age 21 & why it should stay there [3]


The United States has a minimum age for drinking which is 21 and this has helped save lives from addiction to alcoholism while reducing negative social effects.


... you bring in this as a new idea and again gets back to the former one. Nothing is said about what actions that parents can take to prevent their children from alcoholism.

Writing Feedback / Topic: "Which is a better place to live - a small town or a big?" [3]

There are many advantages and disadvantages tothat one would experience by living in a big city or small town.


Which place is the better one depends on each individual and his requirements.
I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS. If so, this essay looks too lengthy and you would run out of time to complete the task. Follow this essay format if you prepare for one of them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1:Letter to a friend visiting your country [3]


.... I wish you changed the organization slightly;
I am very pleased to hear that you will be coming to Malaysia for a six months stay.


... before this, talk something about his accommodation requirements ;
I guess you are looking for a decent accommodation and I could certainly help you with if I know your budget and other requirements you look in for. Also, I hope to give you some essential tips for making your stay a pleasant one here.

Writing Feedback / Nature Vs Nurture; What is more important? Inborn characteristics or Experience? [4]


.... I wish you wrote a shorter sentence for this opening. When the sentence is too long, it fails to deliver your idea properly;
Nature versus Nurture has been a topic discussed for many years. What is more important? Is it our inborn characteristics or the experiences we gain are more responsible for our resultant personality?

Writing Feedback / Mind is very vulnerable and fragile; Death and the Maiden / Visual Essay [4]


.... I wish you slightly detail it since it is the time of introducing your theme;
When someone becomes a victim of being forced into sexual contact against will, it may cause immense psychological and emotional damages to him or her and those damages may stay lifetime without proper healing.



She is always cautious and instinctly have herself prepared to react for a similar incident.

Writing Feedback / 'uniformity in the educational system'; one national curriculum for students [3]


.... you display very good writing skills. Firm stand and good introduction!


... should be differ as it refers to levels


....it's better if you mentioned that students experience many inconveniences due to different curriculums ... that is the core reason and this is a fine example for that reason.

Also, if you are preaparing for IELTS or TOEFL, then it is enough you give just one specific reason and one example to support it becaue you need to handle time too.

Writing Feedback / parents are the first people who show the children what they should or shouldnt [7]

Hey... you need to post all IELTS essays under "Writing Feedback" Forum and also provide a more meaningful topic for your thread. These are EF rules and hope you'd follow them with your next thread. You will also earn more useful comments by following these rules.



... Pay attention to your spellings


To begin with, it is the parents who first teach their children manners; how to behave in company by teaching them what they should do and should not do

Make your example sound more specific in the body paras.

Writing Feedback / Break after high school has advantages and disadvantages [8]


Well, you can always ague with a counter argument too. You can say that there are still people who are born and grow up in very peaceful environments but still they have very violent nature, or vise verse. However, I feel it is easier if you have taken a moderate stance (that is partially agree and partially disagree ; then you can have one para for DNA and another for experience). Also, I found an interesting essay written on the counter argument here in EF. Have a look: essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/experience-born-traits-more-effective-26834/

Scholarship / The Gift of Success/ Why the Incorporation should continue giving me the scholarship? [2]


I began to believe in this statement when I was so blessed to have been awarded with an Iskolehiyo scholarship in my last year of school.


... I find there are many repetitions, both ideas and words. I'd suggest you to re-phrase this line again.

Writing Feedback / Where would you prefer to live? Small town or Big city; existence of facilities' [3]


... wish you elaborated this a bit more;
....it is easy to find your desired career in a big city than in a small town with limited opportunities.


Living in metropolises is easy and convenient.
Good introduction :)

Writing Feedback / IETLS; Should government spend money on preserving language? YES [6]

... excellent :)


.... very good sentence with lots of sense. But, I wish you slightly change the end;
It is believed by some that a culture is reflected by its language, to which the government should allocate some of its revenue for preserving it for the next generations.

It's much better than your first version. Anyways... you write very well and wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / Should children be encouraged to compete or co-operate? Discuss [4]


.... well.... first, researchers find facts through their studies and not claim. You can also say, "Research studies have proved that ..." . Then, I don't understand why you included the "Researches" part here. You can simply make a more general statement which sounds more convincing;

Human personality gets formed during childhood development.


... Up to this point in your introduction, you have failed to introduce your topic to the reader, which should have the first priority in writing your introduction. Try to stay with your prompt without deviating too much into other areas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Streamlining Education has more advantages or disadvantages? Discuss both views [3]



Many people are of the opinion that this should be implemented while some oppose this view claiming that such streamlining would have more disadvantages than advantages for the students.


... this sentence is too long and cramped up with too many ideas. Better you re-phrase it to improve clarity.


However, specialized education too has many disadvantages.

Letters / Referral for a scholarship applicant [2]

I wish you start with explaining very briefly what areas of the proposed program that would benefit the applicant. Then you can go on to say that although he has such and such skills, he has certain limitations in gaining a good exposure in those areas. Do a rough draft and post it here. We will give you more comments for you to polish it further. Also is there any word count you need to match?

Writing Feedback / I always dreamed of being a doctor [5]

First, what is the purpose of this writing? It's good for us to know that to provide you with more relevant feed backs. I guess it is just a class room type of essay about your ambition. Is that so?


I always dreamed of becoming a doctor one day. This desire of mine was nurtured by watching how my grandfather suffered from a cancer.


I feel you need to organize your ideas better. They seem to be a bit sporadically presented. First, note down the main ideas roughly and then arrange them in a more logical sequence. Then start writing sentences.

Writing Feedback / Report- The number of vehicles crossing the Waterloo Bridge. [6]


The highest number of passenger cars crossing over the Bridge are recorded as 2000 vehicles on the days of Sunday, Monday and Friday.


.... you need to combine this line to the previous one if you use "whereas". For example;
The highest number of passenger cars crossing over the Bridge are recorded as 2000 vehicles on the days of Sunday, Monday and Friday whereas the same number of lorries cross over the bridge only on Tuesdays.

Letters / Applicant suitability & Benefit of propose program/ Reference letter [2]


.... You better mention his name there. This is what I suggest;
I have known Mr xxxx for nearly two years in the capacity of his employer.


.... I feel you should take this line off and mention this quality of him in the latter part of the letter. This is what I suggest you for the next line;

It is with great pleasure and confidence that I recommend him for the proposed program.
Then talk about his qualities, skills, talents and even credentials!

Scholarship / Community Services Work course ; Australia Scholarship / 3 Responses [2]

I was involved with a variety of voluntary community service work, however, the two most important programs were the flooding protection program in 2012 and Clean Up Vientiane in 2011 which was a campaign program. In the first, I was the leader of the youth team and my responsibilities were xxxxxxxxx

Note - "I was involved with"

Writing Feedback / Being afraid of changing can make people conservative and less interesting than others. [6]

Hi,
Make sure all your IELTS essays are posted under "Writing Feedback" forum. By doing so, you'd earn more comments from others too.


.... this has several issues; grammar, meaning, clarity, redundancy.... I guess this what you try to mean;
People usually prefer to follow their regular routine lifestyle without having too many adjustments to them.


However, resisting change may result in serious negative consequences in terms of opportunities in life.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Changes in women's position in society cause juvenile deliquency [4]


... "To begin with" is a better phrase.


... you present this simple idea in a much more complicated way... It's always better to tell things straight and simple rather than making them too complicated with flowery language. This is what I suggest;

To begin with, what earned today's position of women in society is due to the educational opportunities that women in modern society enjoy. Education is a powerful tool for the women to compete with their male counterparts.


.... it is not gender inequality, but gender discrimination.
In the past, gender discrimination prevailed in many societies that deprived women of educating themselves and as a result, sharing many important responsibilities with men in society.

Writing Feedback / Students are the people who get knowledge from teachers in classroom and laboratory. [3]



These are the places where students gain knowledge and wisdom.


This knowledge is necessary for their future success.


... before coming to this point, establish the link between school and the teachers. Otherwise teachers show up all of a sudden without pre-introduction :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should we experiment on animals? [2]


.... This seems to be your introduction. However, it is too short and you need to expand it a little bit. In the introduction you need to introduce your prompt to the reader. Therefore you need to talk about the two different views here in introduction. Then move into body paras ( i suggest you to have two body paras) and have one to discuss the first view and the next for the other. Also I suggest you to leave a blank line in between paras to improve tidiness of your essay.

Research Papers / How Fasion portray Beauty? ; Research Paper [2]


Art history is an interesting discipline that gives a great insight about how time and culture influence on the perceptions of what is beauty in a woman.


... I wish you replace "art piece" with "statuette"


... the latter needs to be re-phrsed

Writing Feedback / Selecting a career is not an easy thing; How do you choose your career? [5]


... "role" is always linked with "play"
Career plays a great role in our life OR Career has a great role to play in our life


.... career impacts / career can impact.


... this line is too very long and has many punctuation errors. You finish a sentence with a full stop and separate them with commas. This one is very confusing and I don't understand whether it is just one line or several :(