Undergraduate / 'The New Kid' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #2 [13]

It's really really good! Gives a lot of voice, interesting story. I really wanted to continue reading to find out what happened. And the reader really sympathizes with you. Somehow, I feel that the first conclusion ending in a rhetorical question might not be a good idea. at the same time, it conveys a strong point... maybe rephrase to be a statement instead of a question?

either way you go, the essay is stellar!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: My interest in Legos spurring me to become an engineer [4]

I agree with yi zhi. i luv the topic, very good choice. but the focus is a bit too much on legos... just needs a little tweaking in the 2nd paragraph. there's a bit of informal language, too. but maybe that's just ur voice. it was interesting to read, tho

Undergraduate / UC ESSAY-The world you come from; understanding of my identity was a bipolar rollercoaster [2]

its really really good. even i dont know where to cut down, but if i were an adcom, id admit u. u have very personal, touching stories to share. gl :)

Undergraduate / My Ventures Into The New Lands - harvard supplemental [8]

REally guys? I thought it was quite well written. I felt myself traveling iwth him as he went throughout europe. the way u connected the end was very touching.

only comment for me is to cut down on the parenthetical stuff... try to incorporate it directly into the text instead.

Undergraduate / Hi! My future amigo; Stanford Roommate essay [4]

with love is a bit extreme... try some other salutation.
"so the next thing you will see is a room..." sounds awkward. just say something like "my room will be filled with books..." to sound more normal.

gl!

Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home [5]

touching story... maybe make some grammatical edits. btw, older brother or younger brother? out of curiosity?

Writing Feedback / "Talk is cheap"- "All mankind is divided into three classes" [8]

i think it's deep and good... very thoughtful... nice. remember, since ur voice is there, dont try to change too much...

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

i like it... but the 2nd line is too dramatic that it's unrealistic... you should make it more real.

Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

You know, this feels so much more suspenseful. so real, like it;s really happening, IMO. it makes me feel sympathetic and sad for the egyptians... and its really detailed. very good.

the reason i believe the other one was better was because this seems too cheesy... "now know the true meaning behind helping" is really, really cliche/cheesy. not original. doesnt sound real, even if it is... I would go with the previous one that i mentioned... i like that so much better since it's descriptive. i think you will bring out emotion in the reader in the draft i quoted, IMO.

hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Shifting to a different city? Commonapp / Signicant experience [6]

well... i think you should try to focus on one. since imo, seems that drama made you change more from quiet to involved and interested, you should focus on drama instead. focus on that change - how you felt. what about drama brought this change? to me, it almost seems like tennis has nothing to do with how you became better after your big move. it is distracting... so i suggest, FOCUS ON DRAMA. write about how it changed you, and how you'd never have gotten to do drama if you were wherever you were before you moved.

hope this helps!
college134nj

Undergraduate / UChic Supplement Essay about the archnemesis. IS IT OUT OF TOPIC OR TOO RISKY? [5]

woah... very interesting to read... BUT
I need to bring u back to reality. though its Uchicago, and they like quirky and random, this tells ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about you. NOTHING. Nothing except that ur a great writer... but they already will be able to tell that from your SAT/ACT/other essays...

plus, if ur good at writing, itll show through no matter what u write on.

i suggest...
SCRATCH THIS. it's interesting - like maybe submit to a litmag or something, but DO NOT send this to a college as an essay.

remember, the purpose of essays is to TELL SOMETHING ABOUT YOU - not something fake or some fake world or a book.
look, if they wanted fiction, they'd go and read James bond or something.

and, another tip, NEVER write about killing. Killing = really really bad, it shows that ur merciless and nobody wants a mercenary. seriously, no matter how creative, killing = bad for universities.

that said, gl.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - What gets me out of bed in the morning [2]

good... really... but the 3rd person in the beginning just feels weird.

Undergraduate / "The Boy didn't know......." Princeton/ Quote that define you [6]

good topic... did ur father physically abuse you or is this an exaggeration?

overall, good... remove the "not a pun"

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

hmm... either take it out or clarify.

its diff from the run off the mill essays... will make adcoms smile, imo.

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

yup... it was full of life and voice. yeah, i followed without ever having used Maplestory before.

Undergraduate / William and Mary Supplement Essay- Why I Don't Believe In Punching Pillows [5]

i think this essay is exemplary. really, it's unique, creative... and will make them smile. for sure... it's out-of-the-box. no question.
make some of those comments above, and i think u'll get in easily...

seriously, it's brilliant. wish i could write like that.

Undergraduate / "the mind is key. Control the mind, control the body" : Yale Supplement [8]

um... agree with the above posters... dont really get the ending. just clarify that and u should be good to go.

Undergraduate / 'Just fix the world' -Brown: What would I do if I could do something without failing? [7]

agree with above posters... write about something which you want to focus on... the general idea is good but give a little more specific answer.

Undergraduate / "Broken Bow" MIT Challenge Prompt - [4]

good... shows how u overcome failure and shows that you care more about it than about awards.

it shows your passion. :)

Undergraduate / 'The unity of music' - What matters to you and why? Stanford [4]

i actually think the part about music is good - it's an example for why teamwork matters to you. keep it. it's a great topic and the way you wrote it is very effective. i could definitely sense that team work throughout.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement(s): 1- It's our duty to be intellectual 2- Roommate letter [4]

the 2nd one really brings out ur quirky side... makes anyone wanna be ur roommate. very interesting - especially part about jumping off rooftop!

Undergraduate / Harvard commonapp supplement essays- about use of education [8]

i think it's really coherent and flows well. Good job! just remove that "PROGRAMMING - 11 char word" thing since it's WAY too cheesy. seriously. other than that, excellent. ur voice comes through extremely well.

Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

right... and try to incorporate some stuff from the prev essay maybe?

Undergraduate / Why Yale? Candidness in teaching - Yale Supp [5]

i think they are rather unique. I like some of your answers - especially the advice, moment in history, wish you were better at something.

They really bring out your personality, and though i dont know you, i can get a good idea of what kind of person you are. i'm sure your why yale essay will stand out among those who write about the campus, etc.

Undergraduate / Failures are the pillars of success; William and Mary Supp/What else make you unique? [3]

yup. amazing the way it is!

Undergraduate / Have you ever been to the moon? / Harvard Supp/ Letter to roommate [7]

by any chance, is this what u submitted to stanford? but woah, i'd wanna be ur roommate based on this! u sound really fun... but also geeky... kind of what harvard (or MIT even more) would be looking for, i think?

Undergraduate / At age seven, my world became one I feared; Stanford Supp/Intellectual Vitality [9]

this is really unique and deep. super super well written. i wish we could tape this up as a model essay for future stanford applicants... it literally blew me away. i think you can get in... :)

Undergraduate / Young lady named Kelly; Stanford Common App [4]

OMG - I was laughing like nonstop. they'll LOVE it - it's super original and witty, compared to all those boring run-off-the-mill personal statements, urs will stand out for sure.

Undergraduate / Web Development and machine Learning;Princeton supplement /Last two summers [3]

good overall... but i think the nature of this essay is that they want u to get straight to the point. "What did u do the last 2 summers?" - so I'd remove the first sentence... i kno there are multiple approaches to this essay, but I'd just go straight out and list what I did over summer. tell them what you did, iwth some description... dont make it too "essay" like cause IMO its meant to be more like a short answer than an essay...

Differentiate more between last summer and the summer before that.

Undergraduate / 'philosophy of science' - Stanford Intellectual vitality essay - mentoring [8]

i third that! both answer the prompt well... the 2nd one is a very unique answer. not to mention, interesting!

Undergraduate / Nothing comes easy ; Johns Hopkins/ Something about Me [9]

guys... if i remember correctly, i think that they don't want it to be a formal essay. i think it is excellent as-is - it says a lot about you that is implied. they dont want a formal essay. they want to know more about you. it says plenty about u already, IMO.

Undergraduate / Happiness matters to me; Stanford supplement [5]

OMG - I LOVE it!!! it's SUPER unique. who else writes about happiness? and u hit the nail on the head to your personality - tho i dont know u personally, i can infer so much about how you think and who u are. WONDERFUL. i wouldn't change a thing (voice and topic-wise).

Undergraduate / Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people [6]

so... is this or is this not an admissions essay? if it is, then i'd go with the other posters and advise u to rewrite it. but if it's an assignment for college, this is BRILLIANT. hands down BRILLIANT. i read the poetry - it's so touching and poetic. and very literary...

only advice that i have is that the end, about fate, feels slightly irrelevant. at least, connect it back to parting - how parting is a result of fate, god's will, etc.

i can only say that ur "essay"left me AWESTRUCK.

Undergraduate / Happiness matters to me; Stanford supplement [5]

well, i think u should stay true to who u are. if that's who u are, then keep it in - the reader can get to know u that way... IMO.

Undergraduate / My mom taught me how to meditate a few years ago; MIT App [8]

but it does say about how it has affected his/her life... saying that it helped with rowing. and the prompt is given...i think it brings just the right amount of reflection.

Undergraduate / Essay writing/MIT App/most significant challenge [2]

it has lots of potential... tho the topics might be common, its catchy and interesting and filled with voice, so i think it could work. :)

Undergraduate / '.. enough of an artist' - Stanford- What matters to you and why? [2]

very good! i love the prompt. unique all the way.

Undergraduate / Science Club; STANFORD SUP- INTELLECTUAL VITALITY. [2]

"was not just to study but also TO help". Yes, intellectual and knowledge are redundant... just say one of them.

GL! u can do it! Final stretch!

Undergraduate / Power of experience; Common App/ Significant experience [3]

IT's WONDERFUL! My only suggestion is to merge some of the paragraphs to become bigger, more substantive ones. cause it almost feels like every other sentence is its own paragraph. remember, paragraph is used to separate ideas. with connected ideas, i'd merge them together. it makes it much easier to read. really.

Undergraduate / Synthesized Voices; Common App/ Creative Work [4]

interesting! i'd keep the italics... it was hilarious to read! i laughed so much!!! (a fellow JB anti-fan) and it will make the adcoms remember ur essay.