Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

You can take out this bit - is not doing much to take the essay forward as you have already made your point

Graduate / 'analytical abilities and leadership' - Short Term, Long Term, Why this MBA [5]

Very well written essay!! The only areas where I would suggest you need to improve is where you talk about how school BBBB will help you. What you have written is very generic, it can be any school. You need to show why you need to go to school BBBB specifically. So whereever you have written about how an MBA will help you, you should find out what are the courses, lecture series, etc that specifically address your limitations.

All the best!

Research Papers / Trade economy subject - how to start? [6]

Hi Yumilove
Perhaps you should take up an English course in some private institute to brush up your English skills. For getting the correct pronunciations, watch BBC news if you can, that would give you the best diction. Also try and watch as many English programs on television as you can. Alternatively you could buy one of those linguaphone series which is a video/audio educational course, which will help you learn the correct pronunciations.

Wish you all the best!

Undergraduate / Concept of Global Network University - NYU SUPPLEMENT [5]


what do you mean by the word "sole" here - do you mean the university does not encompass any other theme?


I don't think any parent would disown their child for changing majors


I presume you meant - a part of and not apart of - two completely different meanings
Otherwise, very succinct and well written. I'm sure many people are facing problems compacting their thoughts into 500 characters but you seem to have done it! Congratulations :)

Undergraduate / "Basketball player, Secretary and Treasurer" - Rutgers Admission Essay [2]


sharing your attained knowledge
Simple spelling mistakes will mar your chances so take care.


You cannot contribute with social influence, you can contribute with social perspectives. Influence is an active verb, you cannot contribute it.


attending one of the most...


I have learned that such a wide variety of backgrounds can do nothing but help you.


others'


Rutgers University was my answer to all...

On the whole a well written essay.

Undergraduate / "I will focus on math" + "everyone should be entitled to education" - UT in Austin [2]

The essays are quite well written - only a few grammatical and stylistic errors need to be corrected -
Essay 1:


It should perhaps read - Because of the satisfaction I felt at helping a child struggling in the water


I presume you meant "crept" but even that doesn't make sense. Please rephrase this sentence.


not "on top of" instead it works better if you say "while dealing with the foreclosure of my parental home and a tedious move to a new house."


biology or chemistry would be the logical course to follow
Essay 2


This sentence makes no sense. Please rephrase.


again rephrase - did you mean, the majority suffers from the high rate of illiteracy and unemployment


instead of upbringing, use "growth of an individual"
Hope this isn't too late, I see you had uploaded the essays almost a week ago. So if you haven't submitted them yet, all the best!

Undergraduate / "globalization should not open gap between rich and poor" - (an issue of importance) [6]

I don't see where he has been critical of westerners, in fact to me it seems that the essay is about how globalization is better for "developing" countries, who can enjoy products from "developed" countries, can migrate and take up jobs in those countries and overall improve their standard of living, while the "westerners" don't seem to have got much out of it lol

By the way, does anyone know what the word limit for this essay is? Some people have posted essays that are 1400 words long, while others have stopped at 500 words.

Undergraduate / Grinnell - Sunlight is my salvation out of being discouraged Transfer Essay [4]

I like this essay :-) Nicely written.
Just one thing that perhaps you need to think about -


Don't all professors do that?

Writing Feedback / "great feeling of cooking" - Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. [3]

I am sorry but I have to say that you write very bad English. You will need to get some help re-writing this essay as it has toooo many grammatical mistakes. I thought I would re-write the essay for you but it would take too much time to correct all the mistakes.

Undergraduate / Coming from Korea and distraction from girls- UWisconsin Madison #2 essay [3]

Coming from a country like Korea, where the culture and education were very different, I inevitably faced many difficulties in adjusting to the American educational system.

First, the school where I enrolled did not have any ESL classes, which made it a whole lot tougher for me to study in classes where English was essential.

Being an adolescent, most of my attention was devoted to girls who captured both my heart and mind. Also my nature is such that if I set my mind on one thing, I devote myself completely to it obsessively.

You need to check more such grammatical mistakes. The ideas are good but it just needs a little more work on it.

Undergraduate / Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter [12]

I understand you want it to sound like a diary, but then this is not really a diary is it? It's an essay for a school, where space is limited and you need to use that space constructively. I did like the idea of writing it as a diary, but you could make it crisper. I have pointed out where you could cut out things specifically. Not cut out the information, but the parts where you keep talking to the diary. You could put in connecting phrases the way you have done in some places -


This works and is shorter too. You can use that space that you have saved to write more about yourself.

Undergraduate / Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter [12]

Yes sorry to be harsh about the essay - though the idea is good, you have wasted it. Instead of wasting all those words on writing about what the adcom wouldn't want to hear or would want to hear, why dont you just write a sololiquy about yourself and get on with it.

I know it's been a while (...) time to capture their attention!!
cut all of this out and just go for it

I could tell them of my dreams to become a noted film director. Or how ...
But they wouldn't want to hear that would they? cut this out too

I want to write an essay that just breathes creativity (and this-and show your creativity instead of writing about it - talk about what you have written so far, if you have, like if you have contributed to the school magazine or even if you've written poems which you hide under the bed)

so they can ...

You know what diary; this self reflection really has helped me. I think I'm just about ready to write this thing! So I guess this is where it ends for us, but as long as you promise to keep my secrets safe I promise that this won't be my last entry. Deal?! all this is wasting space!

I'm sure you can do a much better piece than this - you have a lot of creativity - use it!
All the best!

Undergraduate / Born scientifically inclined, I was, and still am, fascinated by the world around me - USC essay [13]

Well done - this is very well written, covers both your interest and how it developed and how you will utilize your time at USC. Good work!

Just a few corrections -


flew past


stare at it in awe
admiring something and looking at something in awe amount to roughly the same thing, so you are kind of repeating yourself


received
Wish you all the very best!
I wish there was some thread where everyone who got admits could put up their names and colleges, so we know which essays got accepted

Graduate / MBA: Corporate Finance, professional goals and what to gain from the program [5]

Good essay though I am not sure the numbered list works in an essay.

Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

Sorry to disillusion you guys who think that it depends on the person who is reading the essay - sometimes there are two levels to the essay reading - even if an essay/student passes the first reader, it might not pass the second level - where the final shortlist is prepared. So you're taking a biiiiiiig risk - and essays do make a difference. I read on some other thread someone mentioning that essays don't play a big part. Again sorry - but they do, they are what will push your application into either of the two piles - accepted or rejected. You are not unique, if there are two students with exactly the same grades, extracurriculars etc, it is the one with the better essay who gets selected. So think about it!

Undergraduate / Summer of books and literature - Texas A&M essay topic A [5]

14 year olds are not pre-teens. Just change it to a young girl or something like that.

Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

The last paragraph is nice - talking about the balance between studies and extracurriculars at Chicago. Perhaps you could use this as the main theme of your essay - write about the many courses available for students as well as the student clubs and other sports activities and show how they are well balanced. Why is this balance important for you? Have you balanced your activities while at school? You could use this as your reason for applying to Chicago

Undergraduate / My interest in Bio- short essay [7]

Do all your essays begin and end with girls? I thought you said that other essay about extracurricular activities was a one-off and that the other essays were serious? I seriously doubt these kind of essays would help get you into a serious course. Remember universities are not looking to add to their male pool, they are looking for serious students who really want to study. You say you love biology - why? Just because some girl said that shaving is a boy's worst nightmare? How have you proved your love of biology? How has your love of biology affected your life? Answer the prompt - stop obsessing about girls!!

Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

I really hope you were not serious with this essay. Besides the fact that it makes you sound like a testosterone overdosed teenager, it does nothing for your future prospects as a responsible, sensible professional. If you were applying for a course in say fashion photography or garment designing perhaps it might make sense - is that what you are planning? As an engineer, microbiologist, pschoanalyst, historian, how does being obsessed with girls do anything for you? Adcom might wonder whether you would be too distracted to pay any attention to your studies.

Undergraduate / USC Transfer Essay - What Matters To Me and Why? Environmental Internship Essay [9]

You haven't specified what matters to you - is it having a voice, the environment, politics, making a change, social impact?
That hasn't come out through the essay. Most people make the mistake of reading just the last bit of the prompt - describe an event - and miss out on the original prompt - what matters to you. The event is to explain how you learned what is important rather than an event per se. Try and bring out more strongly what it is that matters to you.

Undergraduate / Born scientifically inclined, I was, and still am, fascinated by the world around me - USC essay [13]

Where is the information about how you will utilize your experience at USC to expand and explore your interests? Go through the website, check out specific courses, look at the centres of research, student clubs and communities and incorporate these into your essay. Divide your essay into two equal parts - first part about your interests, second part about how you will explore these at USC. Be more specific.

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: inspired by The Cloudspotter's Guide [5]


had not has


What do you mean by - earlier in the book? Also maybe you should talk first about your interest in music/acting. I don't know if you have already touched upon this in an earlier essay, but on its own it doesn't make sense.

On the whole it works better. Just needs to be tweaked a bit.

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: inspired by The Cloudspotter's Guide [5]

If you understand the prompt you will be better able to work out your essay. The prompt is -


Rather than just quoting from the book, you need to write about how it inspired or influenced you - in other words how did it translate into actual action in your life. For example, reading The Lord of the Rings inspired me to be braver in my life and influenced me to stand up for the underdogs and the underpriveleged in the world. I took up community work, went to teach English at one of the local orphanages and helped underpriveleged women learn a vocation.

So how did The Cloudspotter's Guide inspire you?

Undergraduate / "Farewell to My Concubine" - Experience: Leave the Comfort Zone [7]

I really liked this essay :-) It's humorous, self-deprecating and yet positive and upbeat. There are a few grammatical mistakes, which you should take the trouble to correct - especially in the second last paragraph.


It should read -
With an uproarious blow of drums and gongs, the Peking Opera began.


The King
Make sure you put the articles in.
to someone who really cares for and is able to carry on our distinctive culture.
Also I don't think there is a word like "joyance". Just change it for joy.
Some things you need to take care of - The prompt is - how did it change you? Where are the changes in your essay? You need to talk a bit about how this experience influenced you in terms of knowledge, skills or attitude. Did you develop independence, learnt to laugh at yourself, develop a team spirit, learn that even those who have no lines play an important role in the overall scheme of things?

More than anything what I harvested from this experience was like a ladder, leading me to the expansive world

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


It's not that I dislike learning history or geography


experts
without much interest would sound better


As the logical fella pointed out, why would you be expecting a history lecture in an economics class? Best to remove the 'history' bit.


Remove the 'the' American history


Social studies course


It was with much curiosity, rather than such, also experienced sounds better than saw
Besides this the third paragraph is completely unconnected to the ones that went before.
Sorry I don't have time to finish this critique - will write more in a little while

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]

As Yang said, you need to redo your essay almost completely. It needs to be checked over grammatically as there are many mistakes and some of them are so BIG that it is difficult to understand what you are trying to say. Apart from that, most of your essay is irrelevant. Your going to a Chinese school or a Turkish school makes no difference I'm sure to your room mate, what he or she would like to know is whether you are friendly or shy, whether you like playing sports or listen to music, whether you are clean and tidy or messy, whether you will grab the space or will be willing to share. These are the kind of things you should be talking about in this essay. It is so that the Adcom can actually see you as an individual and whether you would fit in with the student community at Stanford.

The essay should not exceed 300 words. See if you can rewrite it.
All the best!

Undergraduate / 'international relations course' - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL VITALITY [4]

The key words are 'intellectually engaging". You need to set out what the "intellectually engaging" idea or experience is right at the beginning. This essay seems to talk about an experience without specifying what the idea was.

Is it this -


Or is it this -

Undergraduate / the mountain lion UC prompt 1; the world you come from [8]

Perhaps you also need to show how you followed up on your interest in animals after moving to Three Rivers. Since you say that it is closer to nature, how did you use this opportunity to broaden your knowledge and experience. This would show your focus towards your goals.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 "Operation Iraqi Freedom" [6]

It's a moving essay, but it doesn't really show how it shaped your aspirations. Your dad going to war - how did that affect you, except that it left you with your stepmother. If that is the case then you need to perhaps say that more strongly, that your dad left to defend the country but left you defenseless in the process with a drug addict. Without describing in too much detail how she coped with her addiction, perhaps you can talk more about how looking after her affected your grades.

At the end however you need to show in a positive way how you have come out of it. This positive part has been dealt with very briefly and very offhandedly if you know what I mean. Look at this sentence -


Show what courses you took, and what grades you achieved, which will show that you did make a positive comeback.


Also at what point did you make this commitment? Was it after your dad got back and you realized that you had let yourself go? And what made you make this commitment? There is no before or after to this sentence.

Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

It's an amazingly beautiful and well written essay! I can understand what you're trying to say. Sometimes we do things because we are told it is the right thing to do whether we feel comfortable doing it or not. Your decision at the end to do what you feel is right, shows your confidence in yourself and your focus towards your own goals. I think that's come out well.

You could shorten it by cutting out what is repetitious. For instance, you started out with your teacher saying that your hands don't look like a musician's. Three sentences later you say the same thing in quotes. Perhaps you could cut out the whole of the first part and start straight with the quotes and go on from there.


I didn't understand this bit. Why do people insult you? Also the bit that I've marked in red, does not make sense. If you're good at what you do, this takes away from it. Makes you sound like a butterfingers.


Also this sentence seems to contradict what you said earlier about neighbours and strangers applauding your music. Perhaps you can explain why you feel lonely playing the harp.

Just some minor tweaking should make the essay work better.
All the best!

Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

I take offence at the stereotype of a careless Asian woman driver - I am a woman driver and Asian, and I am an excellent driver - have never had a single black mark on my license! I hope no Asian woman driver reads your essay!

The rest everyone else has covered.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplementary Essay #2-Sudoku The Roommate Message [6]

Yes, as Kevin said - perhaps something more about your personality, using Sudoku as a base - show how you like solving problems etc
This is just one aspect of your personality - I think you should touch a bit more on other aspects too

Undergraduate / CORNELL SUPPLEMENT, GROSS NATIONAL HAPPINESS [5]

My only comment - you have not touched upon the second part of the prompt - how will you utilize the programs etc at Cornell to explore your interest.

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

Yes that should work. If you have already taken some courses in these subjects you can mention that and show how your interest was piqued. Talk about business and economics and the relation between the two

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

For the application to the college of literature, that is in the main application, what interest did you choose? If you put Pre-Business Administration then that is what you should explain. Although you can touch upon Economics too as they are kind of related. I don't think you should have much of a problem as the two subjects are so close to each other.

Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

I agree with Mayada, I am left with the question - how?
The essay is very powerful but I wonder at what point you decided to take matters into your own hands and start your healing process. What pushed you to change and not let things slide? And what steps did you take towards it?

Like Mayada said, this is the most important part of the essay. You can be briefer about what happened, but you need to elaborate on what the positive side of it all was. Since like she said, the Adcom will want to know how you will face the challenges and rigours of a university life. It is not always the ends that are important but also the means by which you achieve them.

Undergraduate / "no sense of diversity" - My Rutgers Essay [5]

The essay is good in that the ideas conveyed are interesting, but the language needs to be checked. I agree with Haru in that the first line is really offputting. The revision is equally bad. By saying that


you are implying that Rutgers is not all that great a university, which no university would want to hear.
You have not specified which town you come from. Either you come from the same town as Rutgers (since you pass by the campus every day) or you come from some other town. If you come from the same town, this statement does not make sense -


And if you come from some other town, then it is always a good idea to specify which town it is.


lovable is not exactly the word to use. People are lovable, I don't think universities can be.


You should also perhaps give a brief explanation of why this is so. THe last para also needs a little more explanation. I am sure just passing by the campus has not changed you into the confident person that you have become.

Undergraduate / U of Michigan, gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. [9]

You need to work on your English more. The idea is good but you need to go over your essay thoroughly in order to correct the language. Using the wrong word at the wrong place will mess up things a bit.

For instance, I'm not sure you really meant to say -

Undergraduate / "the Kingdom of Bhutan" - COMMON APP ESSAY, CHECK [7]

I liked this essay immensely. Usually people write about what they have learnt about diversity by interacting with people from different countries - by writing about how you learnt about your own culture you have given a different twist to the term 'diversity'.

Well done. As for the grammatical corrections, aa6877 has already touched on many of them.
All the best!

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

The idea of using your sikh identity as your contribution to diversity is good. But perhaps you can elaborate a bit more on what being a sikh means - it is not just faith and the belief in God, it also goes beyond and focusses strongly on community service and giving to the poor in the form of langar and sewa. This you can bring out more strongly and show how it gels with the Michigan spirit.

Again, a suggestion - your essays are rather verbose and wordy, try saying the same thing in simpler language. You lose the reader in the circumambulations of your sentences and end up sounding pompous. :-) I hope you got my point!