Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Image that you have received land [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is one of the most difficult essay, but i do my best for an exam next month

The question is that

Imagine that you have received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land? Use specific details to explain your answer.

If I had a lot of land, I would use it for the following purposes. I want to deal in agriculture to increase revenue, build a big house with modern facilities so that my relatives live together happily, and donate it for recreational benefits. Using land for these three reasons makes me know about various benefits that I have never realized before.

To begin with, I have palm fields in my homeland as another source of money. To illustrate, i have many plots of land abandoned, which causes no advantages, but tax collected every month. For this reason, I decide to plant thousands of palm trees which increased money to make a meager living day by day.

Furthermore, having enough money from the palm field, i take a stand on dividing part of the land to bring my cousins to stay together. In the past, all of my cousins lived in a single family. They did not even have a contact with one another. Therefore, I hold a strong opinion to separate vacant land to create a large house that advanced technological appliances such as television, computer, refrigerator and air conditioners. After living here for a while, one of my relatives says that he is very delighted to stay in this residence and willingly express thanks for my help.

More important, I give my unoccupied land to the local administration to build a Saint John Park. After doing my family favor, i begin to think about creating benefits for a society. I figure that I should establish a serene and private park so that people in neighboring areas can have a rest in the free time after struggling with work all day.

In Conclusion, My vacant plots of land would not be useful if they were unoccupied. When taking my decision about the use of land for other aims, i find that I want to get another job to have more money to take my son to a school, create a strong bond among family members and sacrifice my land to happiness of all people in the community.

Writing Feedback / 'unusual behaviors' - Games are as important for adults as they are for children [4]

Please revise my essay. i really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am confused about the given prompt. It is a difficult essay.

How the question would be for my essay if i misunderstood the prompt.

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In my view, games are not important for both adults and children. Children imitate actions in a game, which will bring about aggressive behaviors when working with colleagues after graduation, make bad use of time spent on their education, which will cause laziness when applied for a work, and use much money to buy games' facilities, which result in a short of money when they make money by themselves. Playing games triggers negative effects on their whole behavior.

To start with the example, Mr Joe, a government official, always behaves fiercely towards his coworkers in a company. To illustrate, when he was a child, he always played a game about warfare which focuses on killing enemies. After grown up, he applied for a road company with a manager position. His subordinates always complain to his assistant about the way Mr Joe treats them. The assistant respond to their concerns by saying you have to be patient because this behavior has accumulated since he was a child.

Furthermore, i use Mr Keng as an instance who always sit on a computer all day, and while working in a company, he is reprimanded for delaying assignments. When he was a teenager, he always played a computer, which has big impacts on his studying. His grade was very low, so he was chastised by his father. After graduation, he was qualified to work for an electricity company. He is always hated by his friends because he does not submit projects on time, which causes anger among those who are in the same department.

More important, Mr Karn, a soldier, has been running out of his monthly income from childhood to today. When studying in a high school, he went to a game shop behind the school, which exceeds daily money given by his mother. Nowadays, while serving as a soldier in the army, he has to ask for additional money from his sister because he do not have enough money for use in the whole month.

In conclusion, playing games has a lot of disadvantages for children instead of adults. Children have unusual behaviors which cause big problems when working in team. Children do not know how to use time effectively, which will affect the entire career later. Children do not realize the value of money earned hard by working, which causes robbery in the community.

Writing Feedback / Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be. [3]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is a difficult topic for me, but i try my best for an exam next month.
i am not good at essay writing, so please help me?
Thank you.

The question is that

Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year. Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout year. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

time off from study

I agree that Students should be given one long vacation each year. They will have a good opportunity to do mutual activities concerning nature, culture and community development. Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be.

To start with an example, Mr kim and his roommates always organize a trip to The national Thailand mountain Park. To illustrate, when a long vacation comes, Mr ask everybody in the classroom about what we should do to fill in a free time. Mr kim think about taking all of his friends to The Thailand natural mountain park to learn endangered animals such as monkey living in the deep jungle, which make all roommates educated about the nature living patterns unseen before.

Furthermore, In addition to the mountain, Mr kim and his friends go to a Forbidden city in china. Because of a long vacation, Mr kim has enough time to arrange the trip to experience glory and authenticity which are not felt by watching Television. Moreover, Going to learn paintings on a wall can make all of the classmates realize the importance of the Forbidden city to be conserved for later generations

More importantly, the final task is for all of the roommates to help develop the Bang Yee San community. Mr kim and his friends hit on an idea of help a small village" Ban Yee San" by going to build a house and decorate a newly established museum which is scheduled to open next month. With our heart and soul, we are able to finish the work on time, which make owner of The Ban Yee San community very delighted.

In conclusion, taking one long Vacation has a lot more unaware advantages. Students can learn ways of living of other living creatures in a forest, have a rare chance to go overseas to view real beauty of The Forbidden City unfelt by Television, and also create a strong bond among classmates.

Writing Feedback / teacher's teaching ability, a salary rise and a promotion to a higher level - teachers evaluation [5]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay. Please help me.

The question is that

Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
I agree that if students are asked to evaluate their teacher, it will be better for a school to assess these elements about teacher's teaching ability, a salary rise and a promotion to a higher level. Schools are able to maintain a standard level of education in a complex era of the world.

To begin with, a school knows that a teacher puts enough heart and soul into giving knowledge to students. To illustrate, in my home town, one of my teacher Mr, Kong always hand out all papers necessary for a student to pass a final exam. He always acts as a part-time consultant to help out students who have low grades. When given the evaluation form by the dean, almost all students respect him best, which result in his consistent level of teaching throughout a semester.

Furthermore, a school is likely to consider whether one of the teachers is qualified for an increase in a monthly payment. To be specific, in addition to having ability to teach students, Mr , kong is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month. When the end of the semester comes, students are required to submit an evaluation form to an office of the dean for consideration. The result is that Mr, Kong is finally cut out for a pay raise.

More important, a school finds it easy to move one of the teachers to a high rank. To be specific, Mr, Kong are not only given a salary rise, but also transferred to a head of the Academic Department which are responsible for handling educational matters in a school. During the meeting with all of the boards of a school, he is selected as one who tends to be chosen for taking on this position, because of his evaluation form handed in by students. Such form indicates that he is the best one for head of Academic Department.

In conclusion, it cannot be denied that if a teacher is evaluated by students, it will provide the following things. A school knows who pay most attention to his teaching career, who are suitably qualified for a pay raise without any doubt, and who has enough qualifications necessary for doing a more difficult position.

Writing Feedback / Toelf essay Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay, so please help me.
An essay exam is forthcoming.

The question is that

Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

In my opinion, success comes from careful planning. You have to spend more than months preparing for an exam for university admission, learn and obtain worthwhile experiences from internship to get yourself ready for a job after graduation, and familiar yourself with unexpected conflicts among colleagues during a work by looking back on the similar example which happened in a university so that the problem is effectively solved. With careful planning, people are able to survive and live a happy life in a complex era of the globalization.

To start with an example, Mr, Joe, The son of Mrs, Brown, can attend a famous university in United State. To illustrate, he wants to study at the Hardvard University, so he arranges a time schedule to read all materials necessary for passing a difficult exam with more than thousand opponents. Because of his good planning in a timeframe of his working toward an exam, he is able to be admitted into the Hardvard University as his wish.

Furthermore, during his studying at the Harvard University, he makes a decision to do an internship at Film Company to practice his knowledge in classroom. As taking a course in mass communication he really wants to expand his knowledge by working as an intern at a film company to gain more experiences important in this kind of field. After working here for a while, he makes sure that he is ready for going in for a position in mass communication after graduation. His skill will make a lot of profits for a prospect company.

More important, In addition to his good experiences in working, he knows how to stay with coworkers in a film company. The way he use to lessen this difficult is to refer to his precedents when studying in a Harvard University. One of the methods is that he should pay attention to his colleagues by helping them out with hard assignments. With this approach, he is likely to continue his work smoothly.

In conclusion, the use of careful planning has more benefits than one of taking risks or chance. You cannot pass a university exam within a month without studying hard, cannot be quickly accustomed to a real work without experiences and cannot be friendly with other people working in a office, which results in resignation in the end.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am preparing for an exam, so help me

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In my opinion, I agree that advertising can tell you a lot about a country. It promotes education, business and tourism to international communities. Using advertising can cause employment and income necessary for leading a normal and stable life.

To begin with, it can inform international students of appropriate places to study. In the globalization, many people who are rich tend to continue Bachelor or Master degree abroad. With concise advertising plans, foreign students begin to know your country and think about studying here. When admitted into your local university, a lot of money is circulating within a country and increases jobs of service apartments for such international students. People are likely to work as a receptionist or even security guards at an apartment and have money to supplement your family expenses

Furthermore, it can attract many investors to do business in your country. In general, many countries have their own potentials such as land and workforce to serve international companies. With good advertising scheme, foreigner companies get information to consider whether your countries are the best choice. If foreigner investors are interested to do business in your country, it may be a good chance to increase a job opportunity for local people to earn for a living.

More important, it can draw a lot of tourists to visit your country. Generally-speaking, many countries have many tourist attractions which are unique enough for foreign tourists to relax. With succinct advertising methods, foreigners know about your countries and make a final decision to stay overnight or more. When a number of tourists arrive at your country, a lot of service jobs such as receptionist, tour guide and tour operator act as a good source of money for local people. If they work for one of these jobs, they will have money to feed their family day by day.

In conclusion, advertising has many valuable advantages if it is effectively used. It creates more demand for more residents or apartments and people who working for service apartments, improves standard of living for local people who are employed in a foreign company, and make local people decide to take a course concerning tourism so that they will do these jobs to earn a money for their family.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay - Human is a threat to an another human [6]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I am preparing for an exam, so please help me

The question is that

Some people believe that the earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Human is a threat to an another human

In my view, human activities are detrimental to the earth. Many chemical industries bring about air, water and noise pollutants to people living in a nearby community. Without concrete measures to solve these problems, people are not able to lead a happy and stable life.

To begin with, an oil refinery located near a village can expel dangerous substances which destroy respiratory system. To illustrate, my friend, john, live within a mile away from a TPI Oil factory. When going to work, he has to walk past the factory every day. After doing this for a month, he has a problem with breathing system. An air passage tends to be sore and small dust is deposited in it. This difficulty causes him to go to a hospital every so that he cannot continue the routine life.

Furthermore, a trash recycling factory located near the canal discharge waste water which triggers stomach problems among local people. For example, one of my neighbors, Mr Kong, always takes a bath in the canal every evening. After a Sam Recycle factory is established, it releases tons of dirty water to the canal, which causes a skin allergy to people who swim in the canal. They are admitted into a hospital immediately because of his unusual skin cancer. They have to drop out of a school and their parents must pay more money to heal them.

More importantly, a stone mill near a village affects lifestyles of people living nearby. For instance, my aunt who has had a serene life near a mountain for a long time cannot lead a normal life after The TAK mill factory is built. As drilling rock every day to export to foreign countries, it triggers noise that has a severe effect on a local school. Students there cannot continue their studying so that they will not have a chance to further higher education.

In conclusion, there are a lot of tremendous problems brought about by a chemical factory. It forces people to move to other areas with a tranquil atmosphere suitable for a living, eliminates local lifestyles of swimming in a canal, which is not easily seen, and affects improving knowledge of people not having an opportunity to study in a city.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all [2]

I have not practiced a toefl writing for at least one year and i am not sure whether this new essay is logically accurate. Can you help me correct errors in the essay because i am going to take a writing exam next month for master degree.

Thank you.

The question is
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.

Answer is
In my opinion, all students should receive higher education. It does not only bring knowledge and job to earn but also teach all students to understand democracy. The higher education provides many benefits for all students.

First, the students have an opportunity to broaden their horizons of the world.
Today, it is undeniable that a lot of students are deceived into doing wrong things such as robbery and burglary. Therefore, when they go to study and learn many subjects like marketing and business, they feel more proud of themselves that I am educated and able to do right things and are able to realize them as part of a society who can improve a country.

Second, they have enough knowledge which leads to a career for a living.
In the modern society, if you do not have enough knowledge, you will not be qualified for your preferred jobs. The job which you do can bring a lot of money so that you can pay for other expenses like shopping and child-rearing.

Third, Students who are well-educated do have intelligence to take part in politics.
Nowadays, a society which people are illicit does not prosper; in the other hands, one that people are clever creates a lot of successes. For example, the youth movement in many middle regions can topple the bad regime because its participants do have knowledge and are unsatisfied with the current government administration; therefore, they take onto the street to call for more participation in politics.

In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students in many ways. They may want to learn new things instead of old traditions, with a lot of knowledge, they can apply it to their career and with deep realization in their rights and role from their jobs, they decide to go on strike for more involvement in the government administration.