Writing Feedback / Task 2: Should air travel be restricted due to its impact on environment? [2]

@phuongthuy1212
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback welcomes you properly into the site.

While I think that the first paragraph is great, you could have opted for a simpler manner in writing things. Doing this would have helped your writing improve more, especially since it would help your essay become clearer in content and meaning. The introductory sentence, for instance, should have been shortened into merely saying that globalization is about the growth of the interconnectivity of countries. Having a simpler approach is always better.

The conclusion you currently have is also lacking. You needed to conclude everything in a more analytical manner, especially since the you only mentioned a solution instead of a more targeted approach towards the issue you presented in the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / Solar Cooking - WashU Supplemental: Something that sparks your interest and curiosity [2]

@Jiaxin Ye
Hello. Thanks for coming here once more. Here is my feedback on your writing.

There is an imbalance in the writing as I can tell. The first paragraph needs to be constructed with more substance, especially since the writing needs to have more priority in different parts of the write-up. It is also a bit unclear in the first paragraph what precisely the direction of the essay will be on the latter parts.

While I think that the concept of Conan is interesting, the insertion of it is a bit rugged from the very beginning. If you're planning to merge the two together, it would be better to have a more direct correlation between the two. Try to find a specific episode, for instance, that would help you incorporate everything in a smoother manner.

Graduate / Letter of motivation for EMJMD critical care nursing [3]

@luke matu
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site for feedback!

Since you are working with a very limited word count, I recommend that you stick with only the pivotal information necessary. Doing this would definitely help your writing improve a lot more, considering the fact that you need to be able to compartmentalize the information a lot better. For instance, in the first paragraph, try your best to reduce the excessive information you've included there. You could have easily kept it as short as the first phrase before anything else.

Try to also be clearer language-wise. If we take a look at the last sentence of the first paragraph, it is unclear what you mean by being "a solution to him" - if possible, stick with shorter sentences that have simpler structures. The last paragraph needs to be improved more, especially since you need to be more straightforward.

Writing Feedback / Which kind of organisations should carry out scientific research? [3]

@tamtran
Hi. Thanks for coming back here. Here is my feedback on your writing.

The first part of the essay has to be more straightforward. Considering that this is supposed to be a short essay, you needed to focus more on substantiating information that's more relevant. The introductory sentences could have been shorter and more straight to the thesis statement than what they are now.

When you're using "on the other hand" and other similar linkages, you should have stayed consistent with it. Doing that would improve the aesthetic value of your writing for the long-run.

The conclusion also needs to be sharpened more, especially since what you currently have is still a bit lacking. You needed to provide more insight to the writing.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship, Track B Global market and Development [2]

@Tati 237
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum. Here is my feedback on your writing.

Since they're asking you to be as precise as possible when writing, try to prioritize information more. For instance, the first part of the introduction was unnecessary in the entirety of the text. If you're able to remove this part, you could have focused more on the actual parts of the essay that tackled your own personal involvement. Focus more on expounding how your previous educational experiences have helped shaped your entire persona.

Avoid mentioning lines such as "I think I am [...]" considering that they imply uncertainty in the text. Stick with information that will say that you are certain.

Always compress short paragraphs when you can. Doing this would improve the overall look of your essay since it will compile information and create something more logical and substantive.

Research Papers / The importance of gun control. Answer these three questions (educational studies) [2]

@Jibarra
Hello. Thanks for approaching the forum. I hope this feedback somehow helps you.

Try to be more cautious of where you are placing your citations in. It should never be placed on the first or the last part of the paragraph.

When you're constructing sentences, the placement of the punctuation marks themselves also matter, especially since you need to have a more academically-appropriate format. Starting sentences with "or" continuously as you did in the fourth paragraph didn't improve the pattern of writing.

You also need to compress information more to create better structured paragraphs. Take a look at the last three to fifth paragraphs you had - you could have merged them together.

Research Papers / Point out three things I did well (Amazons effect on the business world) [2]

@Nix111
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you clarity on what you can do to improve your writing.

The first two paragraphs should have been compressed together to have a more solidified front to your writing. Furthermore, the method of writing needs to be more precise and specific to create more of a dynamic flow throughout. Doing this would definitely help you cultivate a more prioritized format of writing wherein readers wouldn't need to focus too much on information that you actually need. For example, the whole introduction about how Amazon has changed companies around it didn't necessarily have a more substantiated front to it.

The organization of information throughout the writing also has to be improved more. If we consider what we have now, it is obvious that you need to be able to focus more first on the history of Amazon before proceeding to tying it elsewhere.

Be mindful of small mistakes as well. The citation shouldn't be placed on the last sentence of a paragraph - for example.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for the International Master of Science in Rural development scholarship [2]

@Darina14
Hello. Thanks for coming! I hope that my feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors.

Remember that personal goals doesn't exactly mean your personality - what it pertains to more are your internalized perspectives on what you want to be able to accomplish since this will help regulate your writing to be more substantive. Try to tackle more about your background and the sense of fulfillment that you will garner from the experience. Stick with this information and change up your third paragraph.

While the last paragraph is alright, I find that you need to work on making more precise pieces of information prevalent. Doing this would help sharpen your writing to be more accomplished. Try to also avoid being repetitive with your language since this will help you focus more on what is important than what is not.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Smart Systems Integration Erasmus Mundus scholarship program [3]

@shingeki1996
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum!

From the get-go, there are portions of the essay that need to be cut down to have a more concise writing pattern. Doing this would definitely sharpen your essay to make it look more put-together. For instance, the second paragraph could have been separated into two different ones. This would have definitely helped in terms of trimming down the content to what is only relevant.

While you may have found it necessary to explain the company you were initially with, it would have also helped if you would have added more of the key projects that you worked with instead of the recent ones. This would have shown a more competitive angle for you to work with than having everything out in the open.

The most important part of the essay should have been the part where you begin to talk about your future plans - since the program wants to have people who would have a more purposeful way of doing things. Dwelling on this would definitely help your essay become bolder in its ambitions.

Undergraduate / Arabic music rhythm. Last minute Stanford Application Essay [2]

@Abraham29
HI there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback suits you well.

While I find that the first parts of the essay are alright, I think that the utilization of the storytelling pattern didn't fall in a better manner. What you could have done was to try and compartmentalize the writing in a more substantiated manner. What this pertains to would be to try and compress information in a more appropriate sense. Doing this would definitely add that professional flair into the writing.

The transition from the Arabic music to the part about learning needs to be improved as well. You need to emphasize more on precisely the reason as to why this has urged you to pursue learning more. Try and be more logical; take everything step-by-step when you can. Doing this would help instigate a more intricate set of writing.

Research Papers / This is my ENG 102 research essay about Kickboxing [2]

@Joe1rou
Hello. Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

When you're trying to use citations, try to stick with using them only when it is appropriate. The placement of the citation is very important. For example, in the first paragraph, it should have been placed midway instead of in the second sentence since this did not really warrant anything factual to be cited. Maintain this decorum in citation as much as possible.

Organizing your paragraphs in a more sensible manner is also critical when writing. When taking a look at what you have now, the first paragraph could have been divided into two separate pieces to appear more structured.

I also recommend reading up again on how to cite properly. The quotations' placement appear to be off-putting at times when you're using them to cite smaller phrases.

The usage of transition words also do not have a structure in place. You should have utilized moreover, firstly, secondly, and the like in a more technical manner for everything to have more placement. Don't just throw these words in the beginning of paragraphs, especially if you can opt to omit their usage at times.

Letters / "Stipendium Hungaricum" program - Motivation letter [2]

@Munkhuu9969
Hi. Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback.

First and foremost, try to stick with language that's more consistent. Implement this in terms of grammar and the like. This will nurture your writing to be more academically appropriate in the long-run.

Aside from describing Hungary, try sticking more to what the program itself has to offer to you. It would be better to relate your experiences and expectations with what you're going to anticipate to gather from the program. By doing this, you'll have a more focused approach to writing which will allow you to be more dedicated towards a specific purpose.

While giving background information is alright, it isn't necessarily supposed to be the sole focus of everything. Especially since your writing has an academic focus to it, it would be much better to stick to this instead of beating around the bush.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile: The Idealistic Dreamer [3]

@Famai
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you a better idea on how to improve your writing.

Try not to overdo your descriptions when using adjectives. Instead of this helping out your writing, it can result into a more difficult pattern. For instance, in your first sentence, you could have stuck with either quixotically or ambitious. Afterwards, try to organize your content purely based on that. This will help add more direction to the writing.

Try to also package your writing in a more effective manner. You can opt to minimize the usage of excessive language when you can. This will help you develop a more intrinsic writing wherein you will learn to prioritize what to say more.

Graduate / Essay topic: Carey Business school shapes business leaders who seize the opportunity [2]

@dichangwei
Hello. Welcome to the forum!

Here is my feedback on your writing.

Be cautious of your sentence composition. There were instances wherein you should have had packaged the writing in a clearer manner to ensure that you're not lost in meaning. For example, the first paragraph's first line clearly needed to be more demonstrative. Notice how you repeated the line Goldman Sachs twice in one sentence - these things aren't supposed to happen, especially if you pattern your writing to avoid repetition.

Tenses are crucial as well, so be mindful of them. If you're starting out with past tense as you did in the second paragraph, don't switch suddenly to present tense as was observed in the last parts of the text.

While you had the relevant content, the organization of thoughts is still seemingly lacking. Try to be more mindful of this also.

Graduate / Erasmus Mundus in Security and Cloud Computing - expectations, career aspirations, experience, etc. [3]

@Yusufbek
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback somewhat helps you out.

While I think that the introduction was quite a creative approach into writing, I find that it was generally insufficient when it comes to fulfilling the bare minimum that's sought after in the essay's requirements. Try to answer the immediate thesis questions posted by the theme of the essay at the very beginning. Doing this will help structure your writing more in accordance with the paper.

Be cautious as well of minute details in the paper: punctuation, preposition, and general grammatical composition. It wouldn't be smart for you to leave lapses when it comes to how you compose sentences because there's a structure that needs to be followed.

Writing Feedback / The environment problem is facing today's world. Responsibility of fixing the pollution problem. [2]

@smelias339
Hi, welcome! Here is my feedback.

Try to shorten your sentence structure in a way that won't overpower the readers. When we take a look at the introductory sentence, for instance, you could have opted to simply mention that large firms carry more weighted responsibility in resolving environmental and climate change-related concerns. Since you will be explaining what this entails in the body paragraphs, expounding it excessively won't really be necessary in your case.

I have also observed that the way you introduced your examples in the body paragraphs is similar. Try to diversify your writing as this will ensure that you will be properly received by the readers themselves. In addition to this, evade repetitive writing patterns since this does not showcase any writer's creativity on your part. In that case, you will be struggling when it comes to reception of imagery since innovative writing is crucial to establish yourself as a writer.

Undergraduate / The story of hedgehog. Common App Essay / Personal Statement about a period that sparked my growth [2]

@Jiaxin Ye
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

Generally speaking, while I do not find anything staggeringly wrong with the writing, I find that the general manner of composition can still be improved. Since it is within your own prerogative to utilize a story-telling manner of writing for your application, you could have opted to relay the message a more academically-structured manner. For instance, merge together the first three lines/paragraphs that you have. Afterward, only prioritize which quotations are actually necessary. Oftentimes, in academic writing, for you to use quotations in a way that won't overpower your writing,

Apart from this, I appreciate the usage of the core message in the writing because I find it to be a fascinating approach to essays. What I would really only suggest would be to try and make your essay writing more compartmentalized and specifically structured around the idea of writing. This way, you'll be able to have more clarity in your overall writing.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose in the field of Data Science for a 13 years experience java developer [2]

@surima
Welcome! Here is my feedback that I hope can help you out.

The first sentence immediately jolts out because of the lack of structure. Try sticking with the fundamental formatting of: "[quoted message]," said [subject of discussion]. If you are able to do this, it will improve how academic your writing will be perceived overall. After making mention of this (if you really intend to incorporate it into the essay), try to put a full-on paragraph break before proceeding to the rest of the essay. This way, it will appear a lot more structured.

Notice how certain areas of your writing also need to be repackaged in accordance with the demands of writing. The second paragraph, for instance, obviously needed to have a more well put-together sentence structure through integrating more appropriate punctuation marks. For instance, after astrology, you could have opted to use a comma instead of a - in order to make the sentence flow nicer.

As for the rest of the writing, I find there to be a massive imbalance in the content. The core message you should have delivered is only found in the conclusion/last paragraph, whereas it should have been the center of your writing. Always be mindful of these instances because you need to ensure that you are relaying the right core message for your essay to be given attention to.

Undergraduate / Even The Most Random Decisions Can Cause A Major Turn In Your Life [3]

@itukuboy
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on the writing you've posted.

While I appreciate the story-telling in the first paragraph, you should have stuck with conventional writing patterns to create more clarity. It is imperative that you aren't misunderstood in the first parts, especially since you have so much detail to work with. Make shorter sentences. Capitalize on using more periods instead of commas, considering that certain parts of the essay called for the former than the latter.

Even though the conclusion held onto a specific value/trait that you wanted to promote, try to incorporate this formatting of writing throughout the rest of the essay. You need to be pushing for a very specific virtue that would serve as the foundation for writing. Without this, you are merely doing a story-telling without proving how necessary it is for the evaluators to look in-depth into the writing itself.

Ensure that you read up on the fundamentals of writing. The grammar, sentence composition, and the usage of punctuation are all staggeringly obvious mistakes throughout the rest of the writing too.

Writing Feedback / MONEY MANAGEMENT FOR FIRST-YEAR STUDENT [2]

@khangnguyen
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate how short and concise the first paragraph is, I find that it didn't directly address the thesis statement that is typically sought after in this part of the writing. What you needed to do was incorporate a more strategic pattern of writing that will provide a background and introduce as well why this topic is essential. Try to add a sentence between these two sentences - one that will relay why financial management is an indispensable personal skill. Doing this will surely help you writing become a lot more integral.

Since you have a set of reasons that rationalize the logic of your writing, I suggest that you stick with trying to compartmentalize everything in a more sophisticated light. Notice how you started reason one with "one of the main reasons" - these phrases typically do not suggest that you are following a specific pattern of thinking. Try sticking with basic determiners such as firstly, secondly, and the like. Doing this will help organize your writing too so that readers can anticipate what the rest of the writing holds for them.

The conclusion also is a bit thin in the writing. I recommend that you try to link back to the introductory paragraph. Given that you started the essay by mentioning why financial management is a crucial part of adulthood, try to reiterate it in the conclusion to create a more solution-oriented writing approach, which will be more effective than what you currently have.

Writing Feedback / Discussing both views about the influences what children watch and the amount of time they spend on. [2]

@ratter
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback.

Ensure that you are using the appropriate sentence construction and grammar to have a more clarified result in your writing. Alongside this, it is critical to be mindful of the small, intricate details that make-up your essay writing skills. When we take a look at your first paragraph, for example, you could have said: The opinions regarding watching television differ greatly.

Moreover, in your body paragraphs, I find that you need to have a more concise writing pattern. Try to also avoid incorporating opinions throughout the writing. This will ensure that you have a steady stream of viable arguments that will structure your writing more around logic than opinions, which is what is sought after when writing.

When you are concluding in the last paragraph, use more appropriate language as well. Opening up this portion with "in short" won't be suitable. Try to start it with something closer to "conclusively" if you can.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - argumentative essay- Would life be better without sophisticated technology? [2]

@Hirumi
Here's my feedback on your writing.

Try your best to create simpler sentences when you can. This will help your writing become easier to comprehend. When we take a look at, for instance, the first sentence of the second paragraph, there could have been alternative methods of writing it. You could have said: Peoples' social lives are reliant on the variation of mediums present in media-based communication. Opting to remove phrases such as "relatives or close friends" will help you improve your writing's entirety.

It would be better if you had incorporated more examples throughout the essay. There were portions wherein you needed to incorporate a more intensive approach to adding depth. When you spoke, for instance, about blogs and news articles, you could have opted to mention a more detailed input into the discussion.

Undergraduate / Do you think that it's relevant ? -Globa UGRAD Program : What is your definition of a great leader? [2]

@FairuzDhiaKhalis
Hi. This will be my feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate the straightforward answer on the first line, I find that you should have intensely incorporated that as a writing technique for the other portions of the write-up. This would help you have a more integral writing approach, especially since certain parts of your writing can still appear to be baffling. Try to find more concise manners to package your writing. For example, you should have compressed sentences two to four of the first paragraph into something along the lines of: Everyone is a leader in their own interpretation of the word. You need not to over-explain.

I also find that there's an imbalance when it comes to your explanation of what a leader stands for and what your leadership style is. Notice how you dedicated three paragraphs to the former, while you only gave one for the latter. Leverage it by using two for each, especially since one is not emphasized as more important than the other.

Undergraduate / Cite any cases you practiced cooperation, sharing, conflict management describe what you have learnt [3]

@kimvu123456
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on the writing.

There were instances wherein you could have utilized a more appropriate wording to improve the reception of your sentences. For instance, in the third paragraph's first line, you could have opted for a different word than indespensible, especially since the context of the sentence doesn't warrant for this. Consider saying that understanding is necessary.

Furthermore, make sure that you are constructing your sentences with the intent of being understood. The line that followed the aforementioned one also appears to be a bit unclear. Try to cut down the lengthiness of the sentence to improve comprehension. Apply this for the rest of the writing.

It is also necessary for you to reestablish the second element, assertiveness. While I know that the last paragraph was dedicated towards this element, you needed to focus more on reasserting it through being more clear with your language. You need to logically link rational decision-making with assertiveness.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Solar Energy for Water Heating and Panels Location [4]

@santrinabawi
Thanks for coming to the site. Hopefully, this feedback gives you an idea on how you can improve your writing!

You need to be extra cautious when you are composing your sentences. There are areas wherein you appear to be a tad bit incomprehensible. For instance, in the first part of your discussion of the sentence composition, the flow of writing needs to be worked on. What I suggest is being extra cautious in terms of consistency of tenses for when you are writing. For instance, take a look at how I will correct this sentence: The water that pass the panels will be heated, eventually falling to the heating coil inside the water tank. and fall to heating coil inside water tank. Notice how I changed it to appear as though it's a more streamlined process. Read up again on the proper usage of tenses to help you with this.

I noticed the same issue with your last sentence. You should have said that you are putting solar panels on the land, not put solar panels. The direction of the writing is towards present participle - be cautious of this.

Scholarship / LOM for International Masters of Science in Environmental Engineering [3]

@hadilakk
Thanks for coming to the forum once more. Here is my take on your writing.

While I think that it was great that you incorporated immediately in the first paragraph your background, you should have incorporated here a part that would address the immediate questions (what your intent for writing is). If you do this, it would give clarity to your writing.

I noticed as well that you immediately incorporated details about microbiology. I find this out-of-place, especially since you should try your best to distinguish details to create more distinctive organization.

Apart from these, I find that the writing sufficiently complies with the bare minimum requirements. I would only suggest working more on the technical angles of your writing: sentence composition, grammar, punctuation, and the like. These are noticeable concerns that you still have, especially when you're discussing more complex and career-specific details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II; The problems of people living in urban areas - government should take some actions [4]

@Jealynn
Welcome! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.

Be more specific. In your first paragraph, what are the difficulties? While you are going to expound on these details on the body paragraphs themselves, a briefing of what these are would create more structure and dimension to the writing.

The construction of your sentences can be a bit baffling at times too. If we take a look at the second sentence of the second paragraph, the phrase midway is out-of-place. Try to stick with less complex sentences when they're not necessary, especially since accuracy plays a heavier role in your composition than how "complex" it all seems.

Avoid giving examples in the last sentence of a paragraph, especially since this part should be dedicated to concluding the information.

Writing Feedback / Studying history to learn from it - IELTS Writing Task II - Academic [3]

@Samathan
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on this writing of yours.

Try to be more precise with your language usage. This will help you have a more enhanced approach to writing, considering the fact that you are working within a very confined word count. Try your best to make the most out of your writing because of this. For instance, in the first sentence/introduction, you could have just said that the benefits of learning have been consistently a public issue. You don't need to elaborate this further, especially since that part should be done on the body paragraphs themselves - not in the introduction.

If you're able to cut down unnecessary parts of writing, it would help you improve the conclusion because you'd have more space for writing. You should discuss here a briefing of your analysis on the arguments against and for the studying of history. This analysis shouldn't be limited to just what your personal take is, especially since it shouldn't be limited to this.

Undergraduate / Discovery - What attracts you to Duke? - Duke University essay [2]

@sleepyshamrocks
Hi. Thanks for approaching the forum! Here is my feedback.

While I appreciate the general topic you were trying to introduce, I find that the writing itself was still disorganized. If you're trying to introduce a very specific idea as the core value of the writing, it would be better if you had done this consistently in the writing. For instance, in this specific writing, try to mention that the out-of-the-box activities are the reasons why you are enticed to be a part of the program. In that regard, you could have stuck with this instead of mentioning that this is a self-discovery method. Doing this would have it more in relation to something that's more specific to the university/college rather than to yourself.

Apart from this, the concluding remark could have been omitted, especially since it isn't necessarily essential. Try sticking with what's being asked from you. If you can, here is a part where you can mention a specific student organization that you want to partake in. This would make the writing a lot more consistent.

Undergraduate / My Purpose and Qualities- Global UGRAD Program : Why would you be a great participant ? [2]

@FairuzDhiaKhalis
Hi. Here is my feedback on your writing.

While I think that the first paragraph is decent content-wise, I find that you need to work a bit more on the packaging of your writing. I find that you tend to incorporate quite excessive details that are unnecessary to building information. Hence, try to stick with information that you actually need to prioritize. Doing this will certainly give evaluators a better impression of you since you would pay more attention to the writing itself. In relation to that, try to implement this more concise structure into the first paragraph. You could have omitted the first few sentences and moved straight to how you felt when you first moved to Jakarta.

While I find that the third paragraph's introduction was enlightening, try to make the writing less repetitive. Notice how the first sentence here and the last ones appear to just be relatively the same; hence, you could just get away with a few sentences of observation and then relating these to the program you want to partake in.

The "concluding" paragraph at the end also appears to be isolated from the rest of the text. You didn't necessarily tackle the idea of the disabled community anywhere aside from here. If you want to focus on a specific community to contribute to from your field, try to introduce it earlier to have an essay that's more tied together.

Undergraduate / UBC- Reading buddy - ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you. [2]

@ubcessayhelp
Welcome here! I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

I think that the activity you have chosen is a great one. Your writing is also generally decent. What I suggest to work on is trying to emphasize the second part of the discussion that's being asked from you - what you have learned in the process. While I think that you attempted to address this on the conclusion, I find that you needed to really hammer down this portion. Try to discuss what the implications of you coming out of the shell are. If you are able to do this, it would help the rest of your essay become more meaningful.

Furthermore, try to make the storytelling a bit more concise, considering the fact that you included portions that weren't really essential for building information throughout.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 the process of solar power - energy from the sunlight [2]

@King heart
Hi, welcome. Here is my feedback.

There's a lot of confusion when it comes to your general composition of the text. A lot of it is due to inappropriate sentence structure. Always try to recall the fundamental rules of writing when you are making academic essays, especially since this will determine how enhanced your writing will be. For example, the first sentence of the first full-on paragraph was incomprehensible. The phrase from the initial stages should have been omitted, considering that it wasn't really that relevant to the write-up. Furthermore, the line solar panels ideal is the position doesn't make sense. The word ideal in that sentence is used as an adjective, therefore you needed to put a noun afterward to explain on what that ideal object is. For instance, what you could have done was say that it was the solar panels ideal position angle - which would make more sense. I noticed the same mistakes in the second body paragraph.

When you're using transition words (ie. the usage of first in the second body paragraph), you have to follow it up to maintain consistency (in this case, you needed to input first, second, etc.). If you're unable to follow through with this, you would be better off omitting these parts of the writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - From solar panels on the roof to hot water inside a house [2]

@M_amin_N
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here would help you in your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any more questions.

Be extra cautious when it comes to your grammar as I noticed that most of your mistakes were technical ones. Try to read up more on the tenses and the proper composition of sentences. For example, in your first full-on paragraph, the second sentence is incorrect because it should have indicated that solar panels collect energy, not collecting energy. The latter would be incorrect given the sentence formatting. If you insist on using collecting, you should have inserted either of these: is, will be, or have been. Insert that prior to the word. Be mindful of similar mistakes elsewhere.

Furthermore, when you're detailing the processes, it would be a lot better if you attempted to add more structure to the writing. For instance, after every full sentence (there's a subject, verb, and predicate), try inserting a more appropriate punctuation mark such as a semi-colon or comma. Doing this will give more body to your writing.

You also need to be more consistent with capitalization. Bear in mind that nouns such as solar panels, controllers, and thermal fluid should all be consistently not capitalized.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Impact of advertisements on our lives [2]

@ferbdeptrai
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have more questions.

Firstly, be extra cautious of the technical angles of writing. This would include the formatting of the sentence, arrangement of details, and other smaller parts of writing that are essential (grammar, tenses, punctuation mark usage, etc.). If you are able to keep all of these details substantially at bay, it would highly improve your writing because you will have more appeal to the readers/evaluators. For example, if we take a look at the first paragraph, the first sentence should have been a simple: The emergence of popularity has positively influenced society. Notice how the packaging is more concise - and yet, they both deliver the same message. Try to implement this technique for when you are writing.

The conclusion also needs to be shaped in a more straightforward manner. You could have omitted mentioning that advertising plays an important role since you explained that part already in the first portions of the text. Stick with just mentioning what you were able to figure out through the writing. The last sentence here appears to be hanging as well. Try to stick with something more concrete if you it would be possible.

Graduate / Chain management and me - Applying for Master studies in the United Kingdom [3]

@Tingkkk
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here will give you an idea of how to improve your writing.

While I find that the first paragraph is alright, I feel as though you could have focused more on the packaging of information in order to relay properly what you wanted to say. With personal statements, it would be better if the formatting started with a formal introduction of yourself rather than an anecdote. Afterward, you can start discussing your background in the field in the most comprehensible manner available. In this way, you will be able to immediately attract the readers without necessarily wasting time on anything else.

As for the introduction of your career goals, I find that you could have gotten better if you tried to really focus more on the technical angle of the discussion rather than giving a vague and creatively descriptive version of it. While I appreciate the usage of the symbolism of the mountains, remember that having an impact often means you have to show that you are committed and serious - hence, tackling the career goals in detail would leave you on a better footing than anything else.

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the average user engagement for four social networking sites and the pie chart [3]

@Hanip Abdul
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here will give you a better idea on how you can write better.

Firstly, while I find that the organization is decent, you struggle when it comes to making more comprehensive and clear-cut sentences. For example, when we take a look at the second paragraph, it was clear that it was a run-on that should have been divided into at least three sentences using a comma. Hence, try to be mindful of your usage of punctuation marks; this is a critical angle for you to uncover because it can affect the way that your writing will be received.

As for the last sentence, try to compartmentalize your writing in a more logical way. As I can observe here, you were jumping from one social media to another in different areas of observation. What you could have done was to try and divide everything based on the social media handles themselves, not necessarily the observational viewpoint. Doing this would have given you more space to have an extensive discussion.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car [4]

@Dao Thu Ha
Hello! Welcome to the forum.

Next time, it would be beneficial and practical for you to incorporate the graph that you are reviewing to give us a better idea on what you are reviewing.

First and foremost, from the get-go, I think that you are struggling when it comes to the proper usage of tenses. When making analytical essays, it's always smarter to use past tense, especially since you are reviewing data that has already passed. Given that, try implementing this on the entire writing.

Furthermore, using the appropriate punctuation marks can go a long way. If we review the third line/paragraph, it was clear that you needed to incorporate either a semi-colon or a period midway because you were already unnecessary dragging the sentence. The same goes for the latter parts of the essay. Doing this will improve how academic your writing will be received. The same goes for your last paragraph especially.

Writing Feedback / School teachers are more responsible for social & intellectual development of students than parents [4]

@Hirumi
Welcome here. Here's my feedback on this essay.

Try your best to package the wordings of your essay as concise as possible. If we take a look at the first sentence, for instance, the only thing you were really trying to say is that teachers are often perceived to be the primary caregiver for the child's social development. You didn't really need to extend this more excessively, especially since the writing itself is already clear.

Being consistent with your writing's tenses is also crucial for building how professional the writing will be perceived. Take extra effort into being cautious of this. For example, review the second paragraph as I noticed that you shifted tenses quite often even when it wasn't necessary to do so.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 on Extreme activities - people take up dangerous sports for diverse reasons [3]

@joypham
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback!

Generally speaking, I find that there's nothing substantially wrong with your writing. You had a concise formatting for your writing, which made it easier to comprehend certain areas that were a bit perplexing. I do find, however, that you can still improve in your writing if you focused a bit more on removing the redundant parts of the text that you could have done well without. For example, in your first paragraph's second sentence, it was quite clear that you could have phrased it in a way that would have made it more concise.

Try to avoid starting your paragraphs with "although" because it lowers down the formality of your writing. On top of this, I would recommend that you extend your conclusion a bit more given that you're still lacking that analytical tie-up to make your writing more extensive at the very least.

Undergraduate / UBC- personal profile - Your reaction to the problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. [3]

@Rachell
Welcome to the forum. As a contributor, here is my feedback on your essay.

Making sharper and more concise sentences can go a long way for these types of content, especially since you are working with an academic essay. If we take a look at the first sentence, it immediately doesn't hit the readers what and why you are writing this essay. Hence, I suggest making this clear from the get-go. Aside from just "describing" what event you had partaken in, try your best to be more precise with language. The first sentence can easily be just a mention of the week's title and how it had impacted you in a way. This way, you aren't wasting space in your essay that you otherwise you could have used elsewhere.

Be more consistent as well when it comes to the technicalities of your writing. It is insufficient to just know what to write. Try to be more persistent with using the right tenses and punctuation marks as I find that you can definitely benefit from these skills to better relay your thoughts and opinions.