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Posts by kldini
Joined: Nov 21, 2009
Last Post: Apr 28, 2010
Threads: 12
Posts: 50  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 62 / page 1 of 2
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kldini   
Apr 28, 2010
Letters / Cover Letter for an application for an intern position at HSBC [6]

I would like to help with any feedback but I don't think you could have written it better. Great job!
My only insight would be just an opinion: Change the above-mentioned factors to the factors mentioned above? but that is just me. Good luck and hope you get the position!
kldini   
Apr 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The most important does not come from books [6]

Thanks Kevin,

I was actually thinking about it because I really enjoy this page and you (and the whole site) help me so much with my applications that I need a way to give back something, but I think I will need to help some more people before applying. Thanks again. =D
kldini   
Apr 25, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The most important does not come from books [6]

Although I like the content of the text, it is pretty much vague. For example, the first sentence of any essay should be more attractive; something that captures the whole essence of the essay. In the case of this particular essay, I would write something like: "People learn from mistakes and from it they gain experience; but "experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him." The Quote is from Aldous Huxley, the man who wrote "Brave New World."

I suggest you use more variety in your word choice. Try using the thesaurus a little, but not too much. Learn new words and learn how to use them properly. Good luck!
kldini   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAY: Social Service Club [3]

Both are great! (Answering your question about the Common App. I think the deadline is 11:59 the time of wherever the Common App. head office is which I think is in the east part of the country. I know this because I tried to apply to Pitzer College and other colleges the same night I was revising it for the last minute check and when I submitted my computer said "failure" and it was like 9:00 here in CA so I think you should submit before night comes.)

I personally like the first one the best. Why? It is a little more focused in the activity, even though the second one says your possible college major which I think you could include in your first essay.

"Ha-ssa-ran-gni." The tiny Sri Lankan girl in front of me giggles delightfully at my fifth failed attempt to pronounce her name. I frown comically and express my confusion, and gesture her to teach me once more. "Haa-ssa-raang-gni!" I don't see the difference, but try mouthing the words again anyways just for the joy of pleasing the little lady and for the sake having fun together.

Many of the times during Social Service Club, I had to communicate and play with small local children like Hasarangani who I didn't share a language with. At first, the challenge would seem daunting, but with a little patience and perseverance and careful attention , a language barrier could not stop us from enjoying a pleasant time together. The pride that I can help somebody and the joy of seeing another child depart with a satisfied smile brings me back for more. As I said before, if you include your possible major it would be excellent. Good luck! Can you revise mines please: FPU... and SKidmore... Thank you in advance
kldini   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / adjectives, help with intro sentence- Austen [3]

I think you should divide this sentence in two. Although I, myself, like more this kind of sentences with semi colons and everything I think they don't call attention. So I would change that. Also, I don't think the quotation marks are necessary. Consider word choice in the first part "in a way different from my preconceptions of her..." I think you can rephrase this and make it work better.

Hope I helped!
Can you check mines please:
Thanks in advance. =)
kldini   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / prove to my family and friends that I can succeed -UT Austin Transfer Essay [5]

Unfortunately I agree with Envie 100%. All your essays seem to be out of what you really want to share with the admission officers. I mean you do not want them to think of you as your family's black sheep (or something similar.)

You need to look for your true intentions of transferring to UTA. If you want to change airs, or just want to get out from where you are at the moment just say that.

In all ways I would say that the topic is the same and it doesn't work at all.

As Envie said, the first one is the nearest to something. The other two essays are way too far. Suggestions for this essay:
-We've (Don't use contractions and it is worst if you use them at your first sentence all been told that we serve one purpose or another (not necessary) in this thing (word choice) called life. For the longest time I struggled with what I thought, or wanted my purpose to be. It's one thing to sit back and watch things unfold right before our eyes, and it's another to take charge and have an influence on the final outcome. We all have dreams, ambitions, and goals, but for some they of them don't ever take a chance to chase their dream. Rather they hop on a bandwagon and go with the flow, floating through life without a purpose in mind. I am an achiever, and I go after what I believe in. I learn from my mistakes, but bounce right back up and continue marching forward. I haven't ever had the support that most people get when in school. I have always been faced by comments like "You won't ever be as smart as your sibling" or "You can't do that, you're not smart enough" and so on. I over came all those obstacles and proved to myself most importantly that I can succeed when I am focused and determined. (Give some examples that can be added to this essay, but one as the main or most important so you can continue from it.

Good luck!

Check mines please:
kldini   
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "the first politics woman" - Why Wellesley Essay.. Advice? [6]

I agree with what Andrew said about your other draft, even though this one is more detailed I think it has parts that need to be changed. The first thing I see is your 2 & 3 sentences; these are too off the topic (I meant they are unnecessary and they don't work well with the opening sentence which I think was great!)

Now, your transitions need more attention because when reading I thought it was getting more common-"one of those essays."

You usually use "lists" of things which gets your essay into the same sentence structure through the whole thing. Limit these.

"At the moment, I am not looking to limit myself to a specific major because I feel my entrance into college should be an open-minded experience. However, I am confident that a liberal arts education from Wellesley will quickly lead me to the path I am meant to follow." This is a great sentence try to use more of these...

Try to eliminate some of the sentences of Wellesley this Wellesley that...Use "I" in those sentences...

Overall it is a great essay!
Good Luck!

Can you check mine please?
kldini   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Skidmore's supplemental essay: Passion for Skidmore's International... [6]

Thanks guys.
What do you think about this:
In brief, why do you feel that Skidmore is a good match for your academic and personal goals?

1
Skidmore is the next stop in my life road map. Skidmore is a good match for me not only because of the brilliant teaching faculty who will mentor me through my college life and beyond but also because it will allow my curious mind to explore new horizons in this diverse world full of complex minds. I vicariously dream of discussing "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra with Professor Burton and learn about "Plato's Dialectical Method" from Professor Gonzalez. I am eager to discover new languages and cultures through the International Affairs' study abroad programs to develop and transform myself to become a multi-cultural student, doer. Thus, I am willing to learn and work as fast and effectively as a Thoroughbred!

2
As a new student at Skidmore, I will not conform myself with only attending the beautiful campus. I will not only feel proud to answer questions about where do I attend college to people while walking on the fifth street at NYC on a Sunday's evening. No. I will answer proudly to these people that I am part of the varsity soccer team at Skidmore and that I am a Thoroughbred. I will enjoy saying that I am part of the school's band and that I play my guitar as a soloist opening school's concerts because I found in Skidmore more inspiration to fulfill my musical talents. I will let them with an opened mouth when I tell them that in Skidmore I am part of Phi Sigma Iota and SOAR clubs and in those, I will say, I learn in daily basis about my passion-cultures. I know Skidmore and I will be one and that I will offer this community my time and effort to contribute to it as much as it will contribute me. I am eager to study and learn at Skidmore, but I am more eager to use this knowledge and do, act.
kldini   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Skidmore's supplemental essay: Passion for Skidmore's International... [6]

Prompt: In brief, why do you feel that Skidmore is a good match for your academic and personal goals? (700 characters)

Well tell me if it works well. This college is one of my top choices and definitely want to make a good impression. *I am applying ED for this college.

Because Skidmore is the next stop in my life road map. Skidmore appeals to me not only because of the brilliant faculty who would teach me there but also because it will allow my curious mind to explore new horizons in this wild world full of independent minds. Because I will have the opportunity to discuss "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra with Professor Burton and learn about "Plato's Dialectical Method" from Professor Gonzalez. With the help of Skidmore's community I will not only learn a great variety of languages and cultures, but also experiment these cultures through the International Affairs' study abroad programs. I desire to learn and work as fast and effectively as a Thoroughbred!
kldini   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Media and Communications, EMERSON COLLEGE-SUPPLEMENT-HELP [4]

Good!
Buy the first sentence, I think, should be changed. It doesn't call the attention at all. The second sentence could work better.

For many, words are just text or sounds. (I think it sounds better in plural since a word cannot be independent as you mention later on and you then mention words in "For as long as I can...". (This is just my opinion and you may want to let it as it is.)

Good luck!
Can you check mine please?
BU three words: Dwarf name.
kldini   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / biology department, Why Tufts? 50 words [5]

Haha.. I didn't even know that was the accent in Boston and I want to go there so bad. I thought you were writing it in another language. =)

Well it is cool but I think you could write something else as your two first sentences. (Maybe you can use those later on.)

Overall it looks really good. Good luck.

Can you check mine please:
BU three words: Dwarf name. Thanks in advance.
kldini   
Jan 4, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]

Hey Kevin,
Well for me the essay is another form of literature in which one shows his/her feelings; as you said it is another form of art.

Depending on the topic (and sometimes it doesn't have any but the reflections of the writer), one can transmit his/her thoughts about the topic. And as you said the essay has lived as long as the language but the thing is that this guy (Montaigne) was the first to call it essay. =)

Interesting topic. Hope to see more threads. By the way can you check my BU three words (Dwarf name.) Thanks in advance.
kldini   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / BU three words: My dwarf name. [3]

Prompt I: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Do you think it sounds good? What is your impression of me? Also try to find any grammatical problems or anything. Thank you so much. =) I will comment back.

Four years old, I was lying in bed when my mom was teaching me to read the fairytale "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" by the Grimm brothers. I was amazed by the characters' actions of and reactions to certain events. A few months later my mom rented the movie of this fantastic fairytale; I found that in contrast of the real story, the dwarfs in the movie are named like how they act throughout the story.

Since then I have tried to find my "dwarf name." I have always been called different names because of my physical and mental characteristics: from "Güero" (white kid) to "Astutin" (ingenious boy.) I have been described in an infinite number of ways by my friends, teachers, and family. But after many years I have realized that the most used by these people are...

Assertive. I am a go-getter and a confident young man; I am committed to what I do and what I think, but I hope I also seem respectful to others' decisions and open to their thoughts. My mom says I often use the phrase "I know..." in place of what most people say: "I think"; she says that I usually answer others' questions.

Creative. All my actions come wrapped with creativity; whether I am playing my guitar and composing melodic songs, talking about political issues with my family and teachers and coming with unsurpassed arguments, or just playing with my dogs and creating new games to play with them. For example, "Tus Chances" (Your Chances) is a game I created in which my dogs must run and tap six bases hidden in my garden and surrounded by obstacles and distractions like fences and toys as fast as possible in order to obtain one cookie each, but if one of them does not finish I give two cookies to the other.

Charismatic. Although I am a great leader-something I love to be-I hate to be the center of attention because people look at me different. They look at me with great enthusiasm at the time I am talking and as my parents, they want me to act in certain way sometimes is not my desire to act. But it is also pleasurable when my six-years-old cousin, Kevin, says to me "I wanna be like you" when I am tutoring him math; it not only makes me cry for joy (because I love him), but also inspires me to overcome any obstacle and succeed in anything I do.

After all I do not have a "dwarf name" because I cannot be described in one word. However, these three words describe my persona-a leader, a collaborator, and a friend-pretty well. With my assertiveness, creativity, and charisma, I have made an impact in my community and I know I will strength my colleagues' leadership, inspire them to make innovative contributions to our future community, and we all make our time at Boston University joyful.

The facts that Boston University is both a place to be and a place to act are what have motivated me to apply. Boston University offers me not only incredible and rigorous programs of study, but also the opportunity to work and excel in life during and after your education at BU; I would have both brilliant faculty to guide me through my way to succeed and the BU Bridge to admire every night.

Known as a magnet to students, Boston University is my place to be because of its diversity and opportunities; I am from Mexico and I would be another student at BU; I could major in International Relations and work in the "capital" of New England. I can aspire to not only study Spanish, the cultures that move alongside with this Romantic language or the relations between countries, but also study abroad in Spain. I believe that instructed by Boston University faculty I will transform from a multi-cultural student into a multi-cultural "doer." I want to be a terrier and presume my guitar's strings: E, A, D, G, B, E (Everyone is Eager and Desirous to Graduate from BU Each year!)

I don't know if I should eliminate the last part, what do you think? Help me as much as you can!! Thanks guys.
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / BU 3 words prompt- "PIN: Polemical, Inquisitive, Nocturnal". [11]

lol.. I like the essay. Just minor probs...avoid contractions such as "don't" in the first part. and don't use "BU" use Boston University. I think it sounds better like that and it will flow better.

Overall it's an outstanding essay.
Great Job!!
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay--I'm Writing a New Goal List [4]

Nice beginning.

"By the time I wrote my fourth unsuccessful essay I told myself that before I would (could?) write another essay I would have to do deep a (change the words)evaluation of myself."

"It wasn't" No Contractions...Try to avoid them as much as you can.

"If it is worth doing it is worth doing right." I think you need a comma to separate those statem...

"This is the motto my dad goes by; the advice he has handed down to me and my sister."

Great essay. Unique theme. I how the beginning links to the end. =)

Good luck!
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Poem, Summer, Famous New Yorker, and movie [3]

The first one is pretty good; short, precise, and to the point. =)

The second one:
"The Color Purple" is one of my favorite films not simply because of the beautifully crafted message but because of he (did you mean "his" or "the") impressive display of acting ability each cast member. For this reason I would love to spend a day with Whoopi.

Her landmark performance was not only impressive but inspiring. I hope t to discuss how the role personally affected her life and for her to give me some advice on my own acting abilities.

*I suggest you add something deeper...I feel it is too simple.

The third:
Impressive. You should publish that one.

the fourth:
Interesting. lol..=) Really good. Maybe adding something else, like...more about you since it is your movie...your biography...your life. =)

Hope I helped...
Can you read mines please...The Common App... and the Stanford's essays.

Thanks.
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Exploring writers' - Stanford-A Good place-Why? [4]

Okay.. Thanks. Do you think I should mention Spanish before? I wanted to let it at the almost the end so my essay could take the attention of the reader by not giving the answer at the first instance. =S

What do you think??
Anyone??
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford essay: I am...I like... [4]

What were your favorite events (e.g., performances, exhibits, sporting events, etc.) this past year? This is the exact question. I think it refers to yours...idk

Okay thanks.
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford essay: Don Quixote... HELP [2]

The prompt is about the intellectual vitality of Stanford's students. What do you think.? Is it good, bad, horrible? Look for anything please...Any feedback is more than welcomed... Thanks guys...+)

I was fourteen years old when I first read "The Ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha" by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra and I change since then. I have always been an active learner in arts and cultures; I learn in a daily basis. I have learned music to show my passions through it, and I have learned to read (in English and Spanish) to understand archaic books because of my desire to learn about the past in order to know about the present.

After rereading "The Quixote" in English, I come to know, in my seventeenth year of life, that I am a rookie in the game of knowledge, however, I know the basic principle of the game-there is no rule in this game because I decide what and how I want to learn. And as I have learned about Cervantes, his passions, and his thoughts, I realized that languages are what I want to learn about; not only because if masterly used, languages allow to alter facts, as seen in politics, but because one way or another languages will help me achieve my aspirations to become a multi-lingual and multi-cultural lawyer.

"Is Don Quixote crazy?" my brother asked me when reading Cervantes-a master of the Spanish language-lying on the brown carpet of my bedroom. I replied "Is he?" No answer. No rational individual is able to define insanity in a sentence just as no individual is able to be sure of being right or being wrong about any matter.

In this masterful piece of literature, I aimed to fetch the possible reason to believe that this was the best book written in the Spanish language. Fortunately, I found it. It is...the fact that you have options, you decide what you want to believe. Thus, it is unwise to let someone to tell you should to believe in; as my mother told me once: "If you need to believe in something that is not your desire to believe, but others, you will never reach the sky." "What is that I should believe in then?" Myself.
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App: Activity (photographer... work with my dad) [8]

These are for the common app...I need to know if they are okay...Look for anything. Comments, advices, anything is welcomed. Thank you guys. =) You help me and I'll help you as soon as I can.

When I stare at those embarrassing photos of myself as a kid, which my mother treasures like gold, I see how I have changed physically and mentally in a constant timeline with significant points of my existence-my life. These old photos remind me of why I am here. I did not know how to feel about leaving my native country to look for a better future, about leaving a part of me in Mexico. Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was my acoustic guitar's sound of "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez. I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream." Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA. where everything became clear for me. Here in Fresno, I felt then that I was in the place I was destined to be; I felt like the last number in a Sudoku puzzle.

From being the son of a judge, I am now a low-income student. However, I not reproach anything to my parents; to the people I love the most, the people that gave me the gift of life. On the contrary, I thank them for the love and support they have given to me. This feeling of gratitude toward my parents and my younger brother, my best friend, is what has made me become a (n) assertive, creative, charismatic...man.

As a ninth grader, I earned some important recognitions from my teachers, which later helped me to enroll with a scholarship in one of the most prestigious private schools in Morelia and Mexico, Instituto Valladolid, where my parents wanted me to get my education, mainly because President Calderon, the current Mexico's president, graduated from there. Although I was there just for a couple of months before I emigrated to the United States, I learned others aspects of life and of course additional knowledge. When enrolled in my classes in Dos Palos and Fresno, I felt the madness of "Asturias" by Isaac Albeniz, because I was put in low-level classes and I was labeled for being an EL (English Learner) student. Being an EL student, some teachers treated me unfairly for my inability to speak fluently, but I tried to forget where I was from, to focus on what and where I wanted to be. Thus, my inability to speak English fluently helped me developed other abilities, such as my independence and my commitment to my studies, my community, and my family.

At this point I feel accomplished for not letting my dreams go away-as my mom says "great opportunities in dreams do not wait for doubters." Now, I am not labeled as an EL student and I am taking the most rigorous classes possible at my school. With all my experiences and my family as my motivation I know in what direction I will seek my culmination; therefore I will advance to the next level-[college]

"One, two, three; smile."
These words represent my job, my familial obligation, and a passion of mine. I am son of a photographer, which means I am usually taking or editing photos. Photography means self-expression. It is an art in which I convey my feelings in the moment I take a shot of what I want to create in paper and tint. Photography has taught me to be...and advocate of second chances and a motivator of self-expression. I take the emotions of the individuals photographing them; I make a reflection of their passions. Often I need to take more than one shot to create the most pleasant memory. At the end, I think photography is as any action in this world: in order to do it correctly I must be dedicated and follow its rules, but knowing when it is necessary to break these, try again, improve my work.
kldini   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]

The essay is really good, however, you may want to use a little more carefully chose transitions. As I was reading it, I found that the paragraphs didn't connect really well with each other, so you need to make sure they flow a little better.

"At that time I was twelve years old." I think it would sound better with "that" than "the" because you use "now" as the beginning of the next sentence.

"hasn't arrived yet..." don't use contractions.

"People. I love people. They are my inspiration: my grandmother, my family, my friends - my world is made out of them." lol I like this sentences.

Good ending, but I agree with swimsweet, you may want to use your grandmother at the end, but it still sounds really great now.

Good luck!!
kldini   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / A song for a spike - my Common app essay - "Volleyball" [9]

You may want to change your first sentence to something more attention-caller. I see it pretty simple. (But that is just me.)

"There is one thing, though, I do feel sorry about"

"I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, passionate , powerful sounds from my larynx." Eliminate one of those so it can flow better. (beautiful sentence by the way) =)

"I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible." TRUE.

"My memory doesn't let me down when it comes to evidence: I still can vividly recall my first attempts at volleyball." And provide a date or the years you had at this time because it sounds a little empty.

"I loved the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team spirit, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really did... " These, I feel, are not necessary.

"The very first day of training, I hurt my finger, and the next day it became like a round, violet sausage. (Happened to me twice.HAHA) My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it." Don't use very.

"Some may think that music doesn't have much to do with this experience,..."

"If the vocal chords in my larynx aren't particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music loving heart will do."

I like this sentence.

"My melodies are far from perfect, but that doesn't even matter to me." WHY? EXPLAIN OR PUT IT TOGETHER WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE.

OVERALL THIS IS A GREAT ESSAY!
GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE I HELPED!
CAN YOU CHECK MINE WHEN I FINISHED THEM IN ABOUT AN HOUR. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. =)
kldini   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "A shepherd's dream" The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. [6]

Really good essay!! I enjoyed it a lot.
And the last quote really helps your essay.
I think grammar is not a problem. But you can opt to select some semi colons and transform those to another tool like "-" and that would be it.

Oh. The contraction in "My country doesn't..." I would change that.

Good luck!! I am going to read your other essay.
kldini   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplemental essay--My life through music and sports... [11]

Thanks for the comments and feedback. I will try to make that sounds better. As soon as I rest a little bit I will be posting the last part. Thank you again.

If you have any commments or suggestions please let me know. =) Anyone.
kldini   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Exploring writers' - Stanford-A Good place-Why? [4]

Prompt: Tell us what makes Stanford a great place for you.

Stanford. Usually pronounced by people as [stan-ferd] yet all I hear is Xanadu: A place to live, to learn, to teach, to fetch, to be. It is the paradise for the intellectual, but also the paradise for the athlete and the artist. Stanford is often associated with students that are Smart, Tenacious, Ambitious, Natural, Frolic, Out-going, Resourceful, and Diverse. Typical adjectives people find in me as well.

My great aspiration, my ambition, is to study Law. I have been always motivated by the basis of our society-laws. However, my passion still rests on my language and its history. And through the intense curriculum that Stanford offers the students seeking the opportunity to study this Romantic language, I believe I will excel in this majestic school to later enroll in Law School. I am eager to obtain this opportunity and to know more about my culture and other cultures as well.

Since I learned to read and write in this marvelous language, I have been willing to know more about it. I have enthusiasm myself to know its origin, its history in different countries, and the best writers of this language. Writers mean to me the Spanish language itself because they are who have made this language beautiful and exotic through their works. Writers like Miguel de Cervantes, Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz, Octavio Paz, and Pablo Neruda are examples of the Spanish language.

In Stanford I am willing to explore these and more writers. Thus, I am willing to learn about other languages' writers as well. This is the 21st century: a century in which you need to explore the world and its diversity, and Stanford is the school of the 21st century.

I need feedbakc with what I have right now. Any suggestions about it. Any comments.
This essay is pretty hard for me at this moment. I am tired, so please help me and I'll try to help you as much as I can. =)
kldini   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Did not die in this moment' - NYU Tisch Dramatic Essay [2]

I am impressed. It really shows you as a person and it is well-thought.

First: Don't use so many contractions; if you can eliminate all of them.

Second: Eliminate some "though" and change them to "however" or re-organize the sentence.

I think all the grammatical erros were solved by the previous comments.

Oh! If you want you can also change the second sentence using "!" at the end. It could be more attention caller. =)

Overall it is done.
Good luck and thanks for the comments. I will post another essay soon so can you check it later please.
Thanks again.
kldini   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplemental essay--My life through music and sports... [11]

Thanks for the comment. I was thinking about that, but I am not sure how to short that. Yeah the majority of the time I write with so much detail that sometimes it doesn't help at all. If you have any suggestions please let me know.

Thank you again.

Comments??? Suggestions? =) You will be my best friend if you help me. =P
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford essay: I am...I like... [4]

Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

I don't know if this sounds right, it seems to be a little gay also (not racist or sexist but is not who I am.) Suggestions, comments, etc...are welcomed. Thank you in advance.

I will start playing "Let it be" by The Beatles on my guitar as soon as I wake up so I will probably be an alarm. I will be playing soccer trying to impress my coaches, so do not cross the soccer unless you want to get hit by a ball. I will be studying for an exam at 2:00 a.m. if necessary, so I will be in the library all night if someone needs me.

Although laziness forms part of my teenager's mind you should know that studying will be a crucial part of my everyday agenda because it is my curious mind craving information, and stealing "words of wisdom" from books; it could be English, not my native language, but one that I will master as I have mastered the art of cooking; it could be Math, the hardest of all subjects for me, specially statistics, but one that I will conquer as I have conquered soccer fields in Mexico and United States; it could be Spanish--the inherited passion I received from my mother and father. But as soon as I exit the library and I say good bye to the librarian I will play "Fiesta" [Party], a song I wrote on December 25, 2005, on my guitar as celebration.

My guitar is my inanimate friend; it has always been there for me. If I cry, for joy or for grief, my guitar is the handkerchief for my tears. It was there for me when I came from Mexico to the United States; it was there for me when I began to date Lorena Flores, the first true love of my short life; it was there for me when my parents almost divorced twice. Although my guitar has accompanied me during important events in my life, I am happy to know I will have someone and not something who will be there for me during college-my roommate.
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Harvard Supplemental Essay - Arabic [4]

Well, I will begin with...
It is very interesting. Good development. ETC.
"a conversation as well. My classmate..." I'd use a semi colon there.

"At the end of the intensive language immersion course, I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a fictional confused penguin living in Lebanon." Really good sentence. Can I see the story of the penguin (translated)? It would be cool. =)

At the end of the essay you mention the meaning of language, which is? You did not mention it, so I would put it if I were you.

Hope I helped!
Read mines please:
Bowdoin Supplemental Essay...
FPU and Pepperdine...
Thank you in advance.
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement Essay-String Theory [4]

Fantastic essay!
Great word-choice and so on. The only thing I suggest is to keep God out of this. Although it may help, by showing that you are a full-faith student (religious), it may not help. Sometimes (and sometimes I meant) God and science don't go together. But this is just my opinion.

Don't use contractions in this type of essay (only if very necessary) "I'm sure at one point"

"must have dropped; upon..." I suggest, just as hzia2002, to use a period in place of this semi-colon.

"Through this superb opportunity I have..." I would use a comma there.

Great job!

Hope I helped!
Read mines please:
Bowdoin supplemental essay...
FPU and Pepperdine...
Thanks in advance.
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / business management, Reasons for transferring -- Common App [3]

HI,
I am also from Central Valley (Fresno.)
This is a great essay. You focus in all the aspects you wanted. My advices are:
-I graduated from high school
-My The first business college course...You use I next to this so I think it sounds better like this.
-I found that I was very interested...I would change the word "very"; it is not a good word to use in a college app.

-in the course because it ... I don't know if the comma would be necessary between the "course" and "because", but I would use it.

-I became more involved in business and had high hopes in having a career in the management department...I would change that sentence to something else.

-In the two years that I have attended...Where? You did not mention CSUMB there. =)
-As of right now I have...Comma.
-for to Loyola Marymount University.
-from a small town university as CSUMB

It sounds good to me. Revise it and add what you think needs to be added.

Good luck, and I hope this helps!
Read mines please-
Bowdoin Supplemental...
FPU and Pepperdine...
Thanks in advance.
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Football story" - U of Illinois [3]

Great short essay!
I enjoy it as much as I enjoy football-a lot.
Well my only advices are:
-I would use quotation marks at your last paragraph for the good guys, but this is just me.
-as a person because...playing football because...you need a commas there (between the because and the other words.)

I specially like your second sentence and "Every player I stared at expressed determination in their faces..." they are in great position and do not distract the reader.

Hope I helped!
Read mines please-
Bowdoin...
FPU and Pepperdine...
kldini   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / a robotics club in my school - Tell us about a time you used your creativity. [3]

(short for quantum physics). .)

faced, such I don't know about this one but I like the comma there.

Well, I don't see any problems with grammar or spelling or anything. I just have to say: Well done.

Just to consider: If I were you, I would put a little more passion to your writing just so it shows more about YOU as a person. But I think you did a great job with the club story.

Hope this helped!

Read mines please-
Bowdoin Supplemental essay...
FPU and Pepperdine...

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