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Posts by yf8651
Joined: Dec 7, 2009
Last Post: Jan 15, 2010
Threads: 16
Posts: 31  

From: China

Displayed posts: 47 / page 1 of 2
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yf8651   
Jan 15, 2010
Scholarship / "the weights" - Bard College DSS Scholarship [NEW]

Prompt: Write about a stimulating and enjoyable experience you have had in science, mathematics, or computing. This might be a course you took, an experiment you performed, a book or article you read, a program you attended, a theorem you proved, or a problem you solved.

10 pounds, 20, 30...the weights were added one after another. My heart stood still as I watched the bridge slowly deformed. People in the room held the breath like me. About to broke, the bridge designed by our team changed the shape greatly...

In my middle school, there was a bridge design program (model contest) every year. The program was unique because its judgment criterion was not bridges' aesthetic level but the carrying ability. Every team had one week to design the works before the presentation time. Using either wood or bamboo, the bridge that could bear the most weight would win no matter how ugly it looked. As an enthusiast of science, I took part in the program with two other science lovers as a team. We gathered together to talk about the design. As we tried to figure out whether to buy wood or bamboo, a new idea suddenly struck me. Why not stop buying the material from markets as most other participants did. Why not use the stuff from Mother Nature. There was a bamboo grove near my grandma's house in the village. The bamboo there was very hard that I could use it to make the "heavy machine gun" in my childhood. Soon, I took the action with the help of my grandmother.

Having collected the ideal material, we began our construction. The procedure was relatively easy to handle since we had obtained much knowledge of mechanics and bridge before. Everything went smoothly until the day before the presentation, when we almost finished our "masterpiece". As I examined and checked the finished product, I spotted a small crack bared by the bamboo, which soon brought me into a dilemma. "What should I do?"If I replaced the flawed bamboo with the intact one, the whole bridge had to be rebuilt, which will be very troublesome; if I did not, the defect might affect the performance of the bridge even though the influence was trivial. Finally, I decided to get new bamboo despite the efforts because every detail in science, as I perceive it, counts.

The bridge collapsed when the load finally reached six three pounds. I was very surprised when finding that the bridge coming second only hold two pounds less than our bridge. Thanks to our right choice and remaking, if we took the original bridge to the presentation, it was hard to tell whose bridge would lead.
yf8651   
Jan 15, 2010
Scholarship / 3 adjectives to describe myself & how i will contribute it --brief essays [2]

I want to give back to others just as people have done for me, I am really enthusiastic about learning how to make a positive impact on others.

since I have known how to adjust myself to diverse cultures and people, to give my culture to others, and to learn others' cultures, I am a cooperative.

Hope that helps!
yf8651   
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Wheaton College(MA) Essay-Why are you interested in Wheaton [3]

I am wondering whether this essay is a strong enough "why essay". Please help me with it. Any help, including grammat correction is greatly appreciated.

Please tell us why you are interested in Wheaton(no more than 1000 characters)

Connections program in Wheaton College interests me. I realized that no course or subject is isolated after exploring various areas of knowledge. Through a variety of fields in science, I can feel the influence of art, from the beauty of DNA double helix structure to the harmony of the periodic table; in the domain of art, I can embrace the logic of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and appreciate the golden ratio of Mona Lisa...Exploring topics and problems from different approaches has become one of my habits. Thus, I hope to find this distinctive way of learning in the college and Wheaton College is a perfect match for me. Wheaton put great emphasis on interdisciplinary work, even allowing students to discover their own linked courses. The program alone has made me excited about Wheaton. It is easy to imagine how Wheaton will help me work out my potential through learning, reflecting and growing.
yf8651   
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "that missing part of my education" - Transfer Uconn Essay First Draft [3]

The prompt asked for "a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons...". Thus, I believe you need to give more details about your academic goals since it is the same important as another part of the prompt.

Except this problem, I think you answered the question fairly well.
yf8651   
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Montclair State's Personal statement has me stumped [3]

Try to expand the second paragraph. Add some more trasition words and give more details.

As to your peoblem, I think you can just write. As long as the stroy moved you and as long as you write it carefully, you will not create cliche. Just be yourself.
yf8651   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / St. Olaf College Essay-your self-designed course [2]

Could you please go over my essay and help me on the grammar.
Thanks in advance for any helpful suggestions and feedback.

During Interim, students pursue a single course, often of an interdisciplinary nature. If you could design your own Interim course today, what would it be? What areas of knowledge would you combine? (250-500) (The Interim in St. Olaf is a four-week period of intensive study in one area. Interim provides an opportunity to focus students' entire attention on one course for a full month, to offer a time of study in depth.)

If I could design my own interim course, it would be the Industrial Park Course, a course that explores different aspects of industrial park from different perspectives. To have a more profound understanding of the topic, I would combine areas of management, geography, sociology and environmental science together.

Industrial parks always accompany me since I was young. My family is near a small industrial park in a small town; my high school is a stone's throw from a famous industrial park, China-Singapore Suzhou Industrial Park (SIP). From my unique experience with these industrial regions, I find that diverse industrial areas differ greatly from management levels and work efficiencies. Thus, the course needs to be combined with geography and management to help me understand how the development zones function and what to do to make them run more smoothly and efficiently.

I would also approach the course from a sociological perspective. As a product of human beings' wisdom, industrial parks cannot be separated from the society. When considering various matters about industrial parks, we need to put them into a context of the whole society and to take human beings into consideration. How do industrial parks promote local economies? Why those parks change people's lifestyle so much? What role do they play to social stratification? The questions could be addressed by the course with the help of sociology.

Another field that should be integrated into the course is environmental science. Nowadays, sustainability has raised serious concerns internationally due to the deteriorating environmental conditions around the world. Terms like "low-carbon" and "energy-saving" have become popular among people. Thus, the Industrial Park Course will undoubtedly involve areas of environmental sciences since industrial parks are traditional and big pollutant sources. By learning knowledge of environmental science, I would know industry's impact on human health and well being and on the whole biosphere. I believe the four areas of knowledge will make my self-designed course effective and attractive. I cannot help to carry them out if possible.
yf8651   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "a missionary kid in China" - Pepperdine Admissions Essay [3]

"It was not until I had returned to Beijing a few days later, due to my upcoming school year, that I realized just how simple the answer as." I think you need more trasition of how you find out the solution to your question. Just the return to Beijing is not conceivable enough about yout trasition.

If you can find a better story, you had better abandon this one since you did not answer the prompt very well, which asks "How the integration ..." You need to emphasize both "How" and "integration".
yf8651   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Ji was assaulted by another student; GMSP unfair situation [3]

" Ji came to school with an entirely new personality. He would rather not talk in order to prevent him from not causing any further problems." I do not know whether situation described in the sentence is ture, but it sounds a little bit artificial.

And "new personality" sounds to big. Manybe you need to to give more details about his rapid change.

You did not mention "why do you think it happens", which is required in the prompt.
yf8651   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / 'the red shield logo' - Macalester supplement essay-why mac? [5]

Hello dingpx!
Nice to meet you!

Your name must be 丁** :-)

Thank you for your constructive comment. You must be a very helpful person since you have posted 12 posts to help others' essays but posted no threads yourself. 敬仰中...

I will contact you using QQ very soon.

By the way, I wonder could you help me with my other essays? (if yes, please see those posted after January 7, 2010 since other essays have been submitted.)

Thanks a lot!
Good Luck!
yf8651   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / 'environmental science and planets' - St. Olaf Supplement-Why this college [3]

Do you think I answer the prompt very well? Please give me some feedback. Grammatical correction is also welcomed.

St. Olaf College is a learning community that draws on the talents and perspectives of students and faculty with a variety of backgrounds and a wide range of interests. What has led you to apply, and how will St. Olaf College help you pursue your passions?

St. Olaf's emphasis on students' global perspective attracts me most. I was reared at an isolated village in China. Shut away in a relatively monotonous environment, I was eager to explore the outside world. Actually, I never stop searching for communities with diversities and global perspective because associating with people of different citizenship, traditions and religions is a precious experience to me. Through my constant efforts and striving, I am now studying in a big city well known for its internationalization. After meeting different people with distinctive background and perspective and after benefiting from those interactions both academically and socially, I feel strongly that I need to better achieve my potential in a college with a broad scope, thus St. Olaf's commitment to world citizens is exactly what I need.

I hope to pursue my career in environmental science. St. Olaf's strength on environmental studies and dedication to sustainability are an irresistible attraction to me. Environmental science in St. Olaf will certainly make me a qualified environmentalist with its combination of broad and focused perspectives on environmental problems and issues. I have been fascinated by the project like Environmental Science in Australia, not only because of the chance to learn more about Australia but also because of the extensive field experiences and strong interdisciplinary focus provided. In St. Olaf, learning experience will be especially enlightening and meaningful for me because of the global perspective in campus. Environmental problem is never something local or regional. It involves different aspects that are related to the whole planet. In this sense, studying and exploring the environmental problem with global perspectives are indispensable and exciting.

...
yf8651   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Reed College Supplement-Why do you choose Reed [3]

Hi, guys! This essay is very important for me. I really hope your helpful feedbacks. And correction of grammatical errors is also welcomed.

How did you first become interested in Reed, and why do you think Reed would be an appropriate place, both academically and socially, to continue your education? This essay is instrumental in helping the admission committee determine the match between you and Reed, so please be thorough.

Steve Jobs inspired me to apply for Reed College. Of course, he has never talked with me in person, but his story I once picked up left me with a good impression of the college. Steve Jobs managed to invent the beautiful interface of the Macintosh using what he had learned about art in Reed College. What a college! Reed provided such wonderful courses in calligraphy that it contributed to the development of the personal computer to some extent. I could not resist exploring more about Reed College. Delicate website of Reed extended my favorable impression, which soon turned into familiarity after I found more about Reed behind the appearance.

In my school, every student should choose between Sciences Class and Arts Class in Grade two. After that, science students nearly have no liberal art courses and vice versa. This educational system discouraged me from time to time since the two branches of education are like arms- either of which is indispensible for me. I like science, through which I can explore the double helix structure of DNA, the mystery of periodic table and the color ribbon due to the dispersion of light. On the other hand, I like to learn arts, where I can embrace the Eccentric and weird of One Hundred Years of Solitude, appreciate the warmth and peace of Virgin of the Rocks...

I never stop pursuing my interest in arts although I choose Sciences Class eventually. In the morning and at weekends, I continue my extensive reading no matter how many science assignments I have to finish and how busy I am. During these two years through my own efforts and through the courses in school, I actually got both broad knowledge and more specialized and in-depth knowledge. I hope to find this kind of balance in the college and Reed is a perfect choice for me! Both the yearlong interdisciplinary Humanities course and the challenging curriculum involving wide reading demonstrate Reed's emphasis on the balance and comprehensive education.

I hope to major in biology in the college. Apart from the rigorous biology courses in Reed, the Reed Canyon is an irresistible attraction to me. Located in the heart of the campus, the Canyon is like a beautiful silk ribbon for me to relax and reflect. It is also an ideal place for me to study and research since it has numerous easily accessible insects, fish, birds and mammals. In addition to the benefits I will get from Canyon, I hope to make my own contributions to this "treasure bowl". As long as I know, the native trees and shrubs in the canyon are at risk of being eliminated if the invaders are left to spread unchecked. Thus, I am eager to take part in the enhancement program of the canyon, in which I can help restore the native vegetation and remove the invasive weeds using my biological knowledge and skills.

Another reason why I choose Reed College is the distinctive honor principle, which makes Reed a community not of rules and procedures but of virtue. Personal responsibility and mutual respect among Reedies create an open and supportive atmosphere, which is conducive to my personal learning and growth. With the help of Reed College, Steven Jobs makes changes to the world and so will I.
yf8651   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "electrical engineering" - Discuss your short and long-term goals and priorities [3]

The prompt require you to tell the priorities between you long and short goals.

You need certainly make it more clear and give more details about the priority since it has the same importance as previous part.

Also, I am a little bit confused about your long goal. Is it "a degree in electrical engineering" or " improving the existing electronic systems and creating new ones".

If the latter one is yout goal, you should put it in the beginning of the paragraph.
yf8651   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life [4]

You need to improve this sentence. "It was very difficult at first because I never had so many responsibilities before. However, because of this experience, I have become a stronger person."

It does not go very smoothly.

I think you had better mention how you become adapted to so many responsibilities, not just tell us the fact.

Your essay is impressive. Good luck!
yf8651   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Why are you applying to Occidental (to challenge social structure) [4]

You should certainly leave out the sentence "and seek effective diplomacy to help Taiwan when China has risen to the new world power and blockade Taiwan's economy". It is unwise to touch such politically sensitive information.

You have mentioned specific aspect of "Living and learning Community", which is very impressive.

After all, it is a good essay.
yf8651   
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Wearing school uniform' - Haverford College Supplement-Honor Code [5]

Hello! I need your help. Please give me some advice to improve the essay,including the grammatical errors.
Any useful advice is welcomed! Thanks in advance!

Prompt: Write about an experience in which you encountered a tension between personal freedom and community standards. Discuss the experience and the underlying issues; how did you deal with the tension, and whether or not there was a satisfactory resolution.

The middle school I attended is strict both academically and socially. Every student is required to wear the school uniform during school time. Undoubtedly, the rule benefits students since uniforms can enhance team awareness and reduce comparison economically among students. Meanwhile, however, negative aspects of the stipulation annoy many students, including me.

In the elementary school, no one had forced me to wear the school uniform and the liberal environment there gave me ample room for self-expression through dress and manner. However, on the first day of middle school, the principal announced the must-wear-uniform rule. The community standards made me quite unhappy since it would be hard for me to wear whatever clothes I want and to better how my personality.

Before long, I regained the hope because the school would change the clothes policy, as I perceive it, if the majority of students opposed the rule (which is what I had expected). It seemed all I need to do was conform my perception and write a letter to the principal, persuading him to revise the uniform policy. As a monitor, I made a questionnaire with other peers and carried out an investigation among the freshmen of whether one needs to wear school uniform at school. Much out of our expectation, no party prevailed. Students were almost divided half by half concerning the uniform policy.

I realized, then, that there was no definite answer to that problem of whether to wear the school uniform; also, it seemed unnecessary to change the regulation according to everyone's benefits. Since the rule did not have to be revised, I tried to adapt myself to it. Although many years have passed, I can still remember that experience in middle school since strict rules there made me more disciplined and tolerant.

Here is another short "why essay"
Prompt: Why are you applying to Haverford? (No more than 200 characters)
From the liberal primary school to the diverse high school, I have been learning in schools known for respect and trust, which have shaped me. Haverford is a place where I will find these traits.
yf8651   
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Northwestern Common Application Supplement: Why Engineering is a Hobby of Mine [3]

The prompt asks "In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?" You does not answer this question in your essay since you did not mention the specific aspects of NU that will benefit you.

All paragraphs except the last one is about your interest, which is wordy. Try to cut out some unnecessary parts.

I think you can leave out the "environmental engineering aspect" part. They are irrelevent compared to others information.
yf8651   
Dec 31, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL "Playing game is fun when you win?" [5]

Some people believe that playing game is fun just when they win.

the latter group's idea is more authentic due to some significant reasons being discussed in this essay.

yet I have accepted his suggestions all the time because that by playing chess

researchers at MIT , who focus on the role of games in the child characteristics, confirm that playing game increases the sense of encouragement up to 15 percent between children.

that learning conditions appearing during each games is another benefits of playing games.

To wrap it up, playing a game is often fun either you win or not, but the other aspects of game should be considered.
yf8651   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Mac essay-Macalester College supplement about diversity [6]

guitarbfour: Yes, I applied from China. Are you in Mac college now?

By the way, you said that "take out the names of the people and possibly the ethnic groups", I want to know why? Can anyone tell me?
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Responsibility shapes me' - Code honor-(Trintiy College essay) [3]

Feel free to comment and please help correct my grammar error.
I do not know whether this essay flow smoothly since some materials come some another essay?

Prompt-Trinity's Integrity Contract articulates our expectations of honesty, personal responsibility, active consideration of others, and respect for our community. What personal "integrity contract" do you employ in your own life?

Chinese society has highly valued code of conduct since two thousand years ago, when Confucius proposed the idea of "Li", a set of strict principles that define what honorable conduct of individuals is. Influenced by such traditional culture, I stick to various components of honor code naturally, from honesty to respect, since they have become my habits rather than obligations. Among all the standards, "responsibility" matters most as the pillar of my integrity contract.

My parents worked late every day and could not cook supper for me in time. One night many years ago, they did not arrive at home when it was 8 o'clock. Nearly driven mad by hunger, I ferreted in the kitchen for food but got nothing to eat except some raw vegetables and meat. It seemed I had to cook by myself. "No!" something echoed in my head, "cooking is not your responsibility! You are still a little boy. " However, the stereotype did not prevail over instinct. The instinct of eat urged me to cook. For the first time in my life, I became a chef. Though the food I cooked was very odd, it appeased my hunger after all. More importantly, I felt great when my parents, surprised and blessed, enjoyed my food.

Since then, my view towards responsibility changed. I began to assume more duties, which benefit others and me. This allows people to trust me and thus regard me as a responsible person. At school, I ran for monitor and commissary in charge of studies and held the positions for six years. The positions make me better realize who I am and what I can do despite heavy loads of work and duties. In addition, I got great pleasure from the responsibility, like the time when I sacrificed my lunchtime help classmates with their homework, when I volunteered in School Chorus Competition as a conductor, a role I was unfamiliar with but soon managed to master, when I found that no other classmates knew the conducting kills.

Responsibility shapes me. I devote myself to the integrity contract of responsibility, owing not as much to the requirement of traditional Chinese cultures, as on the fact that it brings me a rich and rewarding life.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Purdue College Education and goals [4]

It is not a boring topic as long as you speak from your heart.

I do not know the word limit in your essay. If there is still some space, you might give more details about why you love computer science and engineering.

Your mentioned "Asian women in the engineering and science are scarce". More details about your interest in engineering will make your stand out from others.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Mac essay-Macalester College supplement about diversity [6]

Hello, guitarfour! Thank you for your comment.

BUt I do not quite get it about"Is this a macalester supplement",do you mean it digress from the point or it is not a standard admission essay?

Please be more specific about it.

Thank you and good luck to you.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the red shield logo' - Macalester supplement essay-why mac? [5]

This is my why Mac essay, I do not know if it is sincere and specific enough? Please help me. Grammar correction is also appreciated.

Prompt: What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally? Feel free to draw on past experiences, and use concrete examples to support your perspective.

At first, Macalester College was not in my colleges list. Like most other Chinese applicants, I put much emphasis on universities in the west and east coasts of the United States believing that good locations of colleges matter a lot. It was then that I stumbled upon the Macalester; a college that changed my stereotype.

My first impression of Mac came from the red shield logo. When I first saw it in the website, the color and style of the logo reminded me of the delicate Chinese Knot and gave me a kind of cordial feeling. The highly individual logo triggered my desire to explore more about Mac. Before long I declared that I would go to Macalester College no matter how cold or remote it seemed to be (I love snow anyway).

As a person who have never been abroad before, I longing for broader perspectives and richer experience outside my circle. Reared in a small village in China, I have never stopped searching for more diverse communities since I believe associating with people of different ideas, traditions, religions and values is a precious experience. I kept moving to those places ever since I learned in a small village's elementary school. Through my constant efforts and strive, I am now at a high school in a big city with much a more diverse atmosphere. After meeting different people with distinctive background and perspectives and after benefiting from those interactions both academically and socially, I feel strongly that I need to further achieve my potential on a wider scope, thus Mac's emphasis on internationalism and multiculturalism is exactly what I need.

I hope to pursue my career in environmental science. Mac's dedication to sustainability and strength on environmental studies are another reason why I choose Mac. I am fascinated by its integrated and first-hand approach to environmental studies. Through diverse outdoor learning opportunities and field-based modules integrated into courses in both Katharine Ordway Natural History Study Area and Three River Center, I will develop myself into a qualified environmentalist, who need not only obtain knowledge from textbooks and class but from practical work and personal explorations.

On the other hand, I am attracted to school's commitment to addressing climate change. In such environment, I can make my own contributions to and obtain many professional skills from various projects and activities related to this noble career. The experiences will be especially enlightening and meaningful for me because of the internationalism in Mac. Environmental problem is never something local or regional. It involves different aspects that are related to the whole planet. In this sense, studying and exploring the environmental problem with global perspectives are indispensible.

I am also eager to be involved in Macalester community. Environmentalist, as I perceive it, should contribute time and energy to the society and help build a better world (the ideas came from the very beginning when I hoped to cure that polluted river near my house). Thus, Mac's student group, The Macalester Conservation and Renewable Energy Society, suits me perfectly. I believe I can fully engage myself in working experiences and volunteer activities of MacCARES, a perfect match of my personal interest and future ambition. Although my original good impression of Macalester College came from just the school logo, my intuition proved to be right after my future research. I hope to live my four years' college life in Macalester College and add my own strand to the fabric of the Macalester community in that forward-looking and open red shield.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Question about the CMC leadership essay [4]

Hi,ElmerGlue!
I have the same question as you, I do not know clearly whether "shape culture and thought"have to be closely associated with the writer.

But in mt view, since admission officers want to know who you are not just how good your writing skill is, you need to write someone who know you well and can reflect what your personality is.

In this sense, famous people are not a good choice since they are too far away from our life.
This is just my viewpoint, take is as a reference.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Political Science Dept/ Study Abroad Why Tufts (50 words) [7]

I agree qith tuna624, you need to give more details in your first paragraph.
I find out that you have reached the word limit, thus you have to cut some unnecessay sentence or make them more concise to put more info in you article.

It is really a hard work to balance. I think you must have the same feeling as me since I also apply to Tufts. I have put much efforts to this essay to make it better.

Good luck to you and me!
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Skidmore supplement response - why a good match? [2]

I think your essay is a little bit too broad and general. You know, because of the word limit in you case, every word counts. You need to cut down some unnecessary materials until you feel that any further cut is quite painful. Then add some more details. limiting your word to just 700 characters while show as many useful info as possible is a hard work, but you have to manage it.

Good luck!
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Mac essay-Macalester College supplement about diversity [6]

Hello, guys! I do not know whether what I describe matches well the requirement of "diversity".Please help me improve my essay and correct my grammar error.

Prompt:Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a culture very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them?

As the train roared on the North China Plain, the familiar cornfield outside the window was replaced by paddy field, making me uncertain about the future. For the first time in my life, I left home alone for a month to learn English in a strange city. My destination is Shanghai New Oriental Language School, a place for learners all around the country. I had intended to improve my English there, but I benefited more from various cultures carried by different classmates.

In the class, I was only a middle school student while others came from high schools, if not universities. After I managed to approach them, with my sincerity and friendliness, I found myself in a group as diverse as I could imagine. We four students living and studying together is a good example of such diversity. One person is a member of Yi Ethnic Group; one comes from west China; one is local Shanghai resident while I come from a small village in Jiangsu Province.

Shen Zhi, who is Shanghai native, introduced the best restaurant nearby for our first meal together. We chatted, jested and laughed while eating. The food was so delicious that I felt ready to burst. However, Bai Li and Lu Qiu did not eat much. They came from places where Sichuan Cuisine prevails while the dishes served were Huaiyang Cuisine, which is very different from Sichuan Cuisine. Though Shen Zhi and I liked the Huaiyang Cuisine, which is famous in Shanghai and Jiangsu, Bai Li and Lu Qiu were not very accustomed to it. Feeling obliged to let Bai Li and Lu Qiu learn more about the food culture of my hometown, I, as an amateur of Chinese culinary art, began to introduce the Huaiyang Cuisine to them. From the cuisine's origin to its features, I tried to make what I was saying comprehensive and attractive. They showed so great interest in my topic that I felt they must had changed their attitude to Huaiyang Cuisine due to my effort. However, when I advised them to eat more food, they refused my good intention in a roundabout way, which made me very frustrated. Their reaction made me realize, for the first time, that cultures could influence other people but could not be imposed on others. After that, we four people often went to McDonald's to avoid divergence and displeasure to a certain cuisine of the traditional food.

During the one-month class, my English skills improved a lot with rigorous courses; however, what I learned more is something about culture. Different cultures met, collided and interacted everywhere around me, making me realize that cultures, with some traits that are irreconcilable, need tolerance and understanding of people. Like species, cultures are beautiful because of their diversity.
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Not a Typical Upbringing...Tufts Community Essay [5]

Since the prompt is "Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today." I think describe the environment and describe the influence are equally important. However, you express so little about the first part, only several sentences.

Try to elaborate on it.
Good luck!
yf8651   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the university needs to fit you' - [Supp. Essay] - Why Chicago? [7]

Hello, sebk!

I am sorry~ but I do not quite understand what you want to convey in the first paragraph. You should make it more clearm

I think you need to revise you last sentence. You do not need to praise U of Chicago at the last sentence. Be more specific and sincere. Maybe you need to surmarize why you match the school not why the school is excellent.
yf8651   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Middlebury-why do you choose environmental study and Middlebury [2]

Please help me proofread the essay.
Any critique is welcomed!

This student asked and answered his own question. The question is: "Why do you choose Environmental Study and why do you want to study at Middlebury College"

My interest in environmental studies comes from my experiences related to a river near the house where I grew up. The river is encompassed by wheat fields stretching to the horizon. Early in the morning, I would jog along the riverside through footpath dotted with beautiful wild flowers. The view of poplars across the river faded in and out of the refreshing morning mist, giving me an impression of wonderland. Clear ripples and endless rippling wheat nearby created an ideal place for my thoughts to gallop. However, several years later, everything about the river changed. A chemical factory was set up near the river. Slowly, the pristine river became feculent; beautiful flowers and refreshing morning mist that I got so accustomed to eventually disappeared. Witnessing the bad environmental conditions of the river, my heart was broken.

I really hoped to stop my beloved river from deterioration, but with little knowledge about the environment science, I could do nothing but feel sorry for it. After that painful experience, I truly realized, for the first time, the importance of environment science, a useful subject that helps to preserve a good environment and to create better living habitats for all the species. Later, through a massive amount of reading, I gained much knowledge about the field of environment and gradually developed my interest to the magical field.

Out of interest, I began to pay attention to the state of the environment nationally and internationally, from news of establishing a local chemical factory to science progress of waste treatment technology. Several years later, I entered high school in Suzhou, a city located in the richest part of China. I was amazed by the impressive scenery of countryside there; numerous factories in industrial parks occupy the space that is intended for farmland. Believing that so many factories would certainly influence local environment to some extent, I organized an interest group with several classmates to learn more about the environmental pollution in the developed area. We went to Kunshan Economic & Technological Development Zone (KETDZ) and brought back the water samples from Liu He to do a sampling survey. After conducting experiments in the school's chemical laboratory, we found, out of expectation that some basic items such as chromium and permanganate index are far beyond the standard level. Other places in Suzhou had similar results according to our investigations. Realizing the seriousness of environment condition in Suzhou, we were very concerned about steps Suzhou and other cities took to protect the environment. After thorough inquiries, we learned that some cities like Bao Ding and He Fei indeed took very strong measure, such as proposing the idea of eco-city in the Government Reports. However, they are still the minorities in China and most places did not fully realize the importance of environment protection. Witnessing the state of environment and measures people take locally and nationally, I felt obliged to make my own contribution to environmental problem.

A variety of experiences, either those from my hometown or those from my high school trigger my desire to explore more in the field of environment. At this point, Middlebury is exactly the place for me. As the first school in the United States establishing undergraduate Environment Studies major, Middlebury will undoubtedly satisfy my curiosity and eagerness with its rigorous courses. Numerous field studies locations, from Champlain Basin to Rocky Mountains, and many internship opportunities are also irresistible attractions to me.

At the beginning, ironically, Middlebury College intrigues me not because of its academic strength but because of its beautiful campus set off by poetic hills in the distance. After finding more about Middlebury behind the campus landscape through the website, I was amazed about environmental activism of Middlebury College. Produce from local farmers and school's organic gardens provides one fourth of the meals at school's dining halls; The biomass facility and the wind turbine in the campus will make Middlebury a climate neutral place before long. I am an active man hoping to create a "greener world" in the future. Thus, Middlebury's dedication to environmentally responsible practices is what I want since I hope to contribute my efforts to it through various programs and activities while to benefit from my involvement by getting first-hand knowledge that cannot be obtained from classes.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Math, constructing and designing models' - Lafayette Supplement Essay Help [7]

Though this essay clearly convey your interest and your strength, I think you need to reorganize your essay since labels like one, two ,three make it a little bit boring.

In addition, your need to make the three items shorter and more brief since what matters is not what you do but why and how you do it. You can tell more details on that "small model bridge"
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Why Harvey Mudd College-This student asked and answered his own question [4]

Hello! Can anyone help me to proofread this essay? Any comment and harsh critique is greatly appreciated!

P. S. This is a why essay for Harvey Mudd College, which do not ask for a why essay. Can anyone tell me is it a wise choice to write an additional why essay for schools that do not ask for such essays.

This student asked and answered his own question-that the admission committee should have asked but didn't. The question was: "Why are you interested in HMC?

Liberal art education has fascinated me for long. My desire of going all the way across Pacific Ocean to the United States for higher education comes from this distinctive education. In my country China, students are required to choose their majors as soon as they enter universities and have to focus on the chosen majors throughout four years of lives without possibilities of changing the major. Such education discourages me since I believe the purpose of education is to train "all-around people" instead of "skilled workers and particular practitioners". Thus, I hope to do extensive exploring in a variety of fields and to develop my comprehensive competence and good habits of mind. On the other hand, I hope to learn more about engineering, which has intrigued me ever since the time my beloved river was polluted (I have elaborate my story with the river on "Why engineering" essay).

It seemed there was no perfect solution to my dilemma since I believed liberal art education and specific engineering education did not reconcile with each other. As I felt depressed about my tricky situation, one of the upperclassmen introduced Harvey Mudd College to me. Knowing its unique liberal art education combined with engineering major, I realized that HMC is exactly my choice. Providing solid core curriculum and engineering program, Mudd will surely make me an effective engineer who has a good understanding of history and politics and knows how the work in engineering fits into the world. I want to be a qualified engineer with hands-on experience of designing, creating and transforming. Thus, the Clinic Program in HMC is an irresistible attraction to me. With the help of Clinic Program, not only will I be fully engaged in the solution of real-world problems, but I will gain practical knowledge in a global context. As an ambitious young man, I hope to fulfill my potential and make my own contributions at Harvey Mudd College.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke Sup-why you want to study engineering and why you want to study at Duke [2]

Hi, everyone! Please help me proofread the essay. Any comment and critique is appreciated! Thanks in advance!

Prompt: If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering of Duke, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

My interest in environmental engineering comes from my experiences of a river near the house where I grew up. Flowing into Grand Canal, the river is encompassed by wheat fields stretching to the horizon. It was my relaxation heaven throughout my childhood. Early in the morning, I would jog along the riverside through footpath dotted with beautiful wild flowers. The view of poplars across the river faded in and out of the refreshing morning mist, giving me an impression of wonderland. Clear ripples and endless rippling wheat nearby created an ideal place for my thoughts to gallop. The river was an indispensable part of my life. However, several years later, everything about the river changed. A chemical factory was set up near the river. Slowly, the pristine river became feculent; beautiful flowers and refreshing mist that I got so accustomed to eventually disappeared. Witnessing the bad environment condition of the river, my heart was broken.

I really hoped to stop my beloved river from deterioration, but with little knowledge about environmental engineering, I could do nothing but felt sorry for it. After that painful experience, I realized the importance of environmental engineering, a useful subject that helps to preserve good environment and to create better living habitat for all the species. Out of interest, I began to explore the realm of engineering by reading Juvenile Science and other science magazines. Through the massive reading, I learned much knowledge about engineering, but the rudimentary information I received gave me more puzzles about it and triggered my burning desire to further explore the realm of engineering. My curiosity and desire pushes me to find universities and colleges that will quench my thirst.

Duke University is exactly what I need. I first learned about Duke about three years ago in a TV program called Top Talk, to which Duke Principal Richard Brodhead was invited. The fact that relatively young Duke shares the similar reputation with old universities like Harvard and Yale really surprised me. When Brodhead said that "as a school on 'upward trajectory', Duke never satisfied with how it is now; it's always looking for a way to get better", deep in mind I knew, as a man of great initiative and ambition, that Duke would be my first choice of university. I hope to major in engineering at Pratt while minoring in another subject (maybe Environmental Science and Policy) and Duke will surely make me feel at home because it committed to interdisciplinary courses and research, as show in Making a Difference plan. In Duke, I can cheer on Blue Devils while partake in Tennis. I can serve through while learn from Duke Engage. Undoubtedly, Duke is an ideal place for me to fulfill my potential and make my own contributions.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Living in a diverse community, Colgate supp essay - comment [4]

Speaking of living in a diverse community,What is a better place to experience than India .
... and festivals as well as unimaginable ranges of cuisines, India is one of the most diverse ...
Being an Indian I recognize the value and importance of its diversity and believe that this diversity is one of our main strengths and the reasons for our unity.

What is the prompt? without the prompt, it is impossible to comment on yout main idea.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Northwestern-Why do you want to attend this university? [NEW]

Hello, guys!
please help me proofread this essay. Any comment and critique is greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance!

Prompt: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

My first impression about Northwestern University came from the Rock in the campus. In a book mentioning Northwestern, the Rock with pictures and messages all over it caught my attention at the first sight. Generally, painting on the public property means vandalism. In Northwestern, however, "painting the Rock" has continued for half a century as a tradition. This showed me how much freedom the school endows to its students. I had a hunch that Northwestern would be suitable for me, a student longing for freedom and independence. With curiosity and interest, I began exploring Northwestern University through the website. After the excitement of purple color and metropolis Chicago faded, I realize that NU is exactly my choice.

When I was young, I would always jog along a river near my house. Clear ripples and endless rippling wheat nearby created an ideal place for my thoughts to gallop. The beautiful river gave me ample memories and happiness. However, several years later, a chemical factory was set up near the river. Slowly, the pristine river became feculent and beautiful flowers and refreshing mist that I got so accustomed to eventually disappeared. Witnessing the bad environment condition of the river, my heart was broken. I really hoped to stop my beloved river from deterioration, but with little knowledge about environmental engineering, I could do nothing but felt sorry for it. After that painful experience, I realized the importance of environmental engineering, a useful subject that helps to preserve good environment and to create better living habitat for all the species. Later through the massive reading, I learned much knowledge about engineering, but the rudimentary information I received gave me more puzzles about it and triggered my burning desire to further explore the realm of engineering.

I hope to solve those puzzles and continue my exploration of engineering in the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. As an cutting-edge department placing a unique emphasis on design, with client-based projects starting in the first year, McCormick will not only give me rigorous courses and knowledge that will be applied in the future career but also let me strengthen the practical skills from the very beginning, a very important trait of qualified engineers. Engineer, as I perceive it, should contribute time and energy to the society and help build a better world (the ideas came from the very beginning when I hoped to cure that polluted river near my house). Thus, McCormick's special interest club Engineers for a Sustainable World is an irresistible attraction to me. I believe I can fully engage myself in educational programs and volunteer activities of ESW, a perfect match of my personal interest and future ambition.

During four years of university time, I want the opportunity to take more classes or even double-major. After all, challenge shapes university (As an international student, I disagree with the opinion that students who are not native speakers might find courses hard in the first one or two years and thus should not take more courses or double major. ) At this point, the quarter system in Northwestern and Combined BS/MS Program in McCormick are exactly what I need. Northwestern University will make me at home and I hope to fulfill my potential and make my own contributions there.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country) [7]

I do not know the prompt, you need to give the essay questions next time.
If this essay is from Common App, it is a little bit negative. Also, You need to tell others about your qualities or abilities clearly. Through this essay, I believe you might want to convey you maturity, if this is the case, you will certainly make if more clear.
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

Your experience really impress me!

Personally, I think "While clashing beliefs caused tension among us" is a little bit too harsh.

Also, not "a refreshment" but "freshment". "I found a refreshment in the array of ideas and our efforts to work together to compromise on legislation."

Great work!
yf8651   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]

I have tried to find some grammar errs.

There are always two sides of a picture and what I may perceive to be correct may not be the case with some other people . Life will always present you with problems; sometimes it is just better to take your time in solving them rather than over-stress yourself over them.

Good Luck!