Writing Feedback / IELTSTask1: Music choice VS Pop parade music [7]


The chart indicates a survey showing the number of visits of each music site on the web within fifteen days.


The graph shows that the two music sites on the web are music choice and pop parade with approximately 180.000 respondents.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task II Learning by Gadgets than books. [9]


based more on gadgets

Nowadays, new technology program and tools are increasing and always update in every generations. Learning also change in every change years, it is more modern such learning by gadgets, books almost not famous stuff in some school. Now, I am a student in the modern era which gadgets are similar useful like the book function. The advantages of gadgets and books in the schools social are gadget is more be able to bring in everywhere and students can also search information subject when they connect with internet. The other advantages of book functions are students can read directly and just concentrate in the subject of book. In other hand, there also has disadvantages of gadgets and books function such gadgets can broke eyes of students if they watch their gadgets in much time and they will not concentrate in their education value because they can able to open another program in their gadget. The disadvantages of books in education are its heavy stuff in the students bring many books in their bag also in the future books will be give negative impact in the environmental as global warming.[/quote]

I agree with Pahan. This is too lengthy.

Nowadays, educational technology and programsand tools are increasing and always updatedin every generation s. These educational changes affect the learning process due to the use ofLearning also change in every change years, it ismore modern such learning by gadgets; thus ,learning by books areis left behindalmost not famous stuff . ( Next is your point of view.)Based on your ideas, I try to neaten up your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Changes in one city spending patterns in 1966. [8]


To begin with, both graphs show that food and cars were the highest spending among all.



In the first illustration, food reached 44% of spending in 1996 but in the second one, it declined dramatically until 14% in the same year.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International Graduations of Canadian Colleges; New Brunswick highest % [4]


The number of graduates in every province rose during the five years.But New Brunswick got the highest number in 2001 and 2006.

Writing Feedback / people living longer nowadays. Is it good or bad? [7]



How about your own point of view? Please include it. That is part of an introduction.

Writing Feedback / Movies & TV affect people. 'Vietnamese man who hasn't gone to other countries' [9]

TV- spell this ou t "Television" . "TV" is just used in normal discourse.


Delete this. It is already understood that you will enumerate your points in the next paras.


Firstly, watching significant television shows can help people gain knowledge.


hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II The different of Life Culture in the past and in the modern era [8]


What i mean is that you have to make your opinion concise. In your case, you have expressed your opinions obviously lengthy. Actually, introduction just contains thesis and your opinion ( sometimes, it has a HOOK if you want to make your intro appealing to the readers.) In short, just two or three sentences will do for your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II The different of Life Culture in the past and in the modern era [8]

In theL ong time ago, people have had a different a life cultures like today.


With these different cultures, people loved to stay in one place in their whole life, but in today's time people often live in several different places permanently.

Actually, it will give the advantages both of such in the past they did not spend much money to move in another house and today, people will meet new people and they will find new experiences. However, the disadvantages in the past was they did not know about the different culture and in this time people live in several different places will give impact to their social relation, they have to follow the new culture. (Give your own point of view CONCISELY. You may just state that both different ideas have advantages and disadvantages. Then, expound them in your body para.)

Writing Feedback / 'Game is imagination bowed three dimension'; important for adults and children [6]

This example clearly shows that games which sometimes become important for living. gives good effect and bad effectsto our life .

There is statement,G ames can whic h influence develop children positively or negatively, either . gives good an effect and bad influence.


This is a good advice. Pay attention to it. In your case, practice writing simple sentences with accordance to basic grammar ( singular subject takes singular verb ; plural subject takes plural verb; sentence patterns)

Writing Feedback / 'Game is imagination bowed three dimension'; important for adults and children [6]

games is very famous or if it is plural games are famous

adults play games for loosingto get relieved from stress

Having fun sometimes gives us advantage and disadvantages depending on our folk view about it.

Games isare imagination... - Another wrong grammar


What do you mean?


This is not a sentence.; thus it contains an incomplete idea.

Note:You have great ideas, but to be frankly, you cannot express them clearly if your grammar is poor. So, please take it as a serious consideration.

Writing Feedback / Telecomm. effects; 'Edison would be astonished if he saw the use of telephone' [3]

Where is your prompt? Anyway, I will just concentrate on syntactical principles (grammar, mechanics, sentence structure).

What has changed our normal life mostly is the electrical business,( don't use comma here). Y ou can buy anything you could imagine through virtual markets online .

Peoples' relationships with each other variesvary a lot with the new lifestyles they have chosen.

As the booming of telecommunicationbooms ,

but we should be aware of some negative aspects it may bringshould be aware of.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; UK TELEPHONE CALLS - three categories [5]


Let us change the bold part into a more direct one.
Evidently, local fixed line calls were the highest throughout the period, rising from 72 million to approximate 90 million in 1998.

Undergraduate / MIT essay, Boston; 'I do volunteering job in Boston with Arabs for Altruism' [9]


Combine these two sentences. You cannot separate them. Otherwise, it will be grammatically incorrect.


This has several grammatical issues. So it should be better fixed this way.
We opened two classes with one-month extension and added extra math skills for all the attendees. All of them had filed in physics and math, and after they took the course, they passed their exams with a mark of "A " and "B" in both subjects.

Writing Feedback / Relying more on technology to solve problems let human ability deteriorate. [3]


This does not support the issue you are supposed to discuss.


I am too with Priya. This is a good conclusion. However, you have to provide more examples to further discuss the topic. It seems that you have just pointed out the types of humans who will be affected by technology dependency. You better give more emphasis on how too much dependency on technology deteriorates the THINKING ABILITY OF HUMANS.

Good point: Structurally, you write well.

Writing Feedback / hard work vs luck - become the person what you are trying to be, not by the luck [5]




Rephrase. This is a bit ambiguous.



Secondly

Essays / My process of learning - how to read and write over the years [6]


Avoid writing this way. This is only applicable in speaking, specifically reporting. Think first of a good introduction: 1. it is the first paragraph 2. it should not be lengthy/long 3. it should have thesis statement or main topic. The other one is the body (another paragraph). Here it's time for you to elaborate your topic by presenting general statements with specific details supporting them. It should be longer than your intro, of course. The last paragraph is conclusion( how will you conclude/summarize it?). This is the structure which you don't apply in your posted essay. Follow this first.


At that time it was difficult for me to understand the concept of reading and writing, because of the language used as a means of instruction.



In the year 2006, there I started attending in a middle school named Ferndle.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Energy consumption by fuel in the USA (1980-2030) nuclear, solar, wind, hydro power [5]


I think it is United State of America


It shows in the graphthat petrol and oil are anticipated that will continually be the chief energy source.


In 2014, the consumption of both energy sources will reach 25q similarly, but in 2030 that of coal will ascend to 30q while that of natural gas will level off.

Writing Feedback / Painter, director, writter, photographers - creatives artists, expressing their own ideas. [4]


This is a good start.


Readers may have different connotations if you'll use "any". Your prompt only focuses on the freedom expressions of CREATIVE ARTISTS ( using "any" may also even connote to EXPRESSIONS OF non-creative artists.)

Writing Feedback / parents are the best teachers. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer [7]


They teach and discipline their child with love and right amount of strictness.Make your sentence concise as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people enjoy change, new experiences. Changing our habits is making us better [7]


The idea of this is not well-stated.
We all have different life perspectives for ourselves.


Take this off.


I don't understand this. Are you going to compare both stands or will you state your preference and discuss it? However, in your case, you did the latter.

Writing Feedback / price of petrol vs traffic & pollution - temporary solution [3]



In my opinion, the hike of petrol's price has various effects to people.

Spelling: sollution (solution)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]


For me,this is a good hook.


Omit this sentence. It is unnecessary.

Firstly, committing to our goal helps us creating personal worth.


Excellent idea!


"Rewards that are high"--what does it mean?Please rephrase it.
farther than what he thinks of himself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the high sales of goods & power of advertising - 'what we buy is up to ourselves' [6]

Nowadays, the arrival of new technologies make advertising more common in our daily life and can even influence consumers' decisionschoice .
With the use of technologies, advertising becomes persuasive that it can even influence the consumer's choice.
..in some way as it stimulates unconscious and deep-seated motives.


I like this sentence- somewhat tricky!
Firstly, advertisements informgive u s about the various choices we have
...ways to judge and one thing in common is that they mainly depends on needs.
...that we won't be easily mislea d


This is a very good stand!

Writing Feedback / IELS - A cheap air travel? advantage/ disadvantage; overweight - safety considerations [4]

Please always be reminded by this:
To begin a new sentence,always capitalize the first letter after a period.

Writing Feedback / Watching television is one of the simplest ways to relax after hard working time [5]


Some people who do not like watching TV say that television and movies have bad influences on people's actions ; however,some oppose this issue .


In my opinion, I believe that television and movies give more positive effects on human behavior.


Do not write this way. It is understood that you will enumerate the reasons in your next para why you have such stand.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [10]


Obviously, it immensely helps us for making payment and alleviates carrying bulk cash ; however, the opponents argue that simple shopping using credit card may result to huge debts.


Great examples!

..it is beneficial to complete the transaction with one card inon their hand.
This choosingchoice is due to simplicity and safety reasons. "Choosing" is nevertheless correct, but "choice" is pragmatically correct.
Credit card may effects consumerism.
While people freely to purchase what they want as unlimited transaction occurred, the unconsciousness of their financial status will later lea d them onto deep trouble during...

Writing Feedback / Boston Leadership Institute (spelling and grammar) [2]

after my current school had told me that they wouldn't be able to gave me a Physics class the fall of my senior year, I signed up for one online.


I have also completed a course in Android Programming (coursera)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 question. 'Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant..' [5]


This is not an ideal introduction. Don't start your essay by expressing your own opinion. State first your main topic, then support it with your opinion. That's the structure. To be clearer, you need to pay attention to what Dumi has suggested to improve your introductory paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT (Task-1): You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work [7]


As far as I know, you have to greet the addressee first with "Have a good day!" Good day!" before going down with your concern.

I would like to request in your good office to grant me a one-week unpaid leave, for I will be attending my wife and son for a summer vacation. -- I think this sounds more positive. In the first paragraph, just mention your purpose and indicate the reason. Just expand it in the next para.

Essays / A New Era, a New State of Mind: Requirements to Coexist [2]


Why is there a need to use comma?"Harmonious and divided" are both modifiers, thus there's no need to put a comma before the word they modify.

You have great ideas. But your intro is too long. Make it concise in a way you have introduced the main topic well supported with limited number of relevant details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 (Diagrama) - The Process of Cement and Concrete Production. [4]


The two diagrams illustrate the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

Take note that there are two diagrams ,so "given is a diagram " is definitely wrong.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay: large company vs small company - which one is better? [3]


For me, this is a good hook.


Before presenting this, introduce your main topic first. Then, give your own opinion :)

he said it is not not a piece of cakesimple to join in this kind of company. I know that idioms add descriptive effects to the writing, but in this case your priority is to effectively put across the message to the person/s whom will evaluate your essay.

Undergraduate / A vacuum is a bad learning environment; Transfer NYU USC Mexican [2]

Rarely do we talk about "cultural social mobility" or a "cultural middle class". -- I know that this structure, in some corners of the world, is accepted linguistically. But conforming the standard English sentence structure, "do plus doer of the action " ( do we) is used when just asking a question; if it is simply a statement, "doer of the action plus do" (we do) must be used.


No issues with this sentence :D ...really? LOL


Complete this to be a sentence.

The 31 year- old showrunner --Use that punctuation.

Undergraduate / FIT Transfer Admissions Essay: Long past in need of guidance! [3]

Before coming across this quote from the late 90's cartoon show Daria, I sat and pondered everyday contemplating what direction was my life heading in.

The quote you have presented doesn't need to be supported with too much details. It just needs a brief opinion as part of your introduction and then state your main topic. Your introduction is merely focused on the quote ( supposedly just a springboard towards your thesis) which just ignores your prompt. Introduce your topic clearly or be consistent with the essay question. Don't start by introducing something out of the topic.

Writing Feedback / Celebrity/ famous film star/ sports personality - 'opt for entertainment field' [5]

However, I would personally agree with the fact that being a celebrity brings much of fame, monetary gain and luxurious life style.


I agree with Dumi. Stick to the topic you are about to discuss.

Tom Cruise, is one the the super stars of holly wood film industry,

I would like to mentioned an example here. Infinitive to plus base form of verb . Also, avoid writing that way; it is not a good transitional point.

To conclude this , I would like to present my point of view on this. Instead of writing that way, you may directly present your view/s for your conclusion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - studying art and music will develop one's mind [4]

It can bring to everybody all pleasant views from all over the world without the need of expensive travelling.

On the other hand music and art can represent all this beauty which is hidden for the eyes.abstract in nature.


This is not a sentence.

Studying music and art could be very good therapy against most psychic problems which are common for children nowadays.

When parents don't have enough time for theirstheir children,

For example, when I was in 10th grade I started playing the guitar.

When I was sad, my melodies waswere sad

Undergraduate / correct the grammar and punctuation and help me add some clasical words [4]


After my bachelor I wish would like to continue tofor a Masters degree, so I could keep mastering my business skills.


I hope one dayI will use these skills to run my own company, maybe with a business partner that I will meet at IE.

Research Papers / Compound words - Need proofreading [3]

The process of compounding combining arehave various ways.structures.


Peripherally, a compound noun consists of two elements, the modifier which is either a verb or an adjective and the head noun.


-- Yes, this is true.

Hope those help you :)

Research Papers / Compound words - Need proofreading [3]


This one has grammatical issues, so let us make it into two sentences.
Compound sentence is formed by combining two substructures and two free morphemes. So, compounding is the process of combining two free morphemes, be they nouns, adjectives, or verbs to make a compound word todescribedescribing new idea and objects.


Let us revise it this way.
There are three forms of compounds:1.)closed form whichor elements of the compound word are written as one word, without any hyphen or space; 2.) compounding with space between the elements ; 3.) compounding in which elements are written as two hyphenated words.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - Short stories are preferred more than movies,explain your position. [7]

Reading stories were( are )good means of amusement in primitive days
Great emphasis! :) Please undo it. I'm sure I just overlooked it. "Primitive days" is a time signal used to express past occurrence. I thought it is a generalized statement ( your opinion to conclude your essay ) so, I changed it to "are". .

Other than that, I scrupulously edited your essay as to mechanics. Presented above are some of the grammatical mistakes you have committed. Hope it's not confusing at all :) LOL