Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]

Posts by Rich Monte
Name: Student
Joined: Nov 15, 2008
Last Post: Aug 8, 2020
Threads: 2
Posts: 94  
Likes: 2
From: USA
School: College

Displayed posts: 96 / page 1 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Rich Monte   
Aug 8, 2020
Writing Feedback / Rising gas prices is an impressive and effective way to decrease the traffic and polluted problem [5]

It is a very narrow-minded solution. Do you really think increasing price on something a group of politicians or marxists doesn't like is an "impressive solution"? What if the radicals get elected and they don't like Asian people because "there are too many of them on Earth and they are more intelligent than us" - would you approve the idea of limiting children of Asian people to one child? Don't fall for retarded solutions and come up with something better.
Rich Monte   
Aug 18, 2019
Research Papers / Debate research paper on abortion (I'm pro-choice) [2]

Some of your arguments are weak or childish. For example, you talk about animal hunting or buying a gun to compare it to killing a baby. In that aspect, you could have compared killing a mosquito (a "living creature") to killing a human being, but that would obviously made no sense.

Also, you discuss "women rights" but don't mention anything about the bad choices of women who get impregnated. Women don't get pregnant on their own; they make certain choices which have consequences. You are eager to defend women's "rights" but you are silent about their stupid choices. If you drink and drive, you go to jail and nobody sane would try to argue that being stupid and paying the price violates somebody's "rights."

Finally, you like discussing "breathing." In that case, all your arguments could be used against anybody in hospital who cannot live without a breathing machine support. By your own definition, that person is not a human any more and should be subject to euthanasia.

Overall, a confusing paper with weak or illogical arguments. You conveniently don't discuss things that would destroy your own talking points.
Rich Monte   
Apr 24, 2019
Writing Feedback / Space exploration costs tax payers an exorbitant amount of money each year. -Ielts Task 2 Essay [4]

For instance, in 2003 all the astronauts who were returning back from moon died

Not sure where you took this information from, considering the fact that NASA says it is impossible to go to the Moon - proof: youtu.be/Jjt7HpC6w3o (and other related).

Still, the fact that you covered the enormous amount of money spent on space exploration (while so many roads have huge unfixed potholes), is a good way of presenting your argument.
Rich Monte   
Mar 20, 2019
Scholarship / Law study - correct my scholarship form for the Board Enrollment [2]

First paragraph - I'd not mention that you're "busy" (it may suggest you cannot fully focus on this scholarship essay). Also, avoid using "etc."

In general, you also have language issues (like "help me fully growth grow", "abroad knowledge" and several others; use a semicolon before "therefore"; the word "pupils" is more British; you may use "student" more often). In the middle, you start with "Firstly," and "Secondly" - you may want to start discussing these things sooner as it sounds a little displaced.

You may also want to make the essay shorter and focus more on your desired specialty of study, plus mention how your education / scholarship would help other people / society overall. It is a good draft, but it discusses too many issues; make it shorter and more coherent.
Rich Monte   
Mar 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / News comparison case study - a bombing attack in the UK [2]

I like your writing style; thoughtful and to the point (you could be a reporter :). I'm not sure if you chose to compare BBC and CNN; to make it more different, I'd choose less alike news media, maybe BBC vs FOX. You use both single and double quotes; you should probably stick to double everywhere. In conclusion, you make a strong point about "news discrimination"; that was not clear from the initial paragraph and comes as a little surprise to the reader.

If applies, you may also mention what kind of guests / experts both news media featured (typically they invite guests / experts to talk about the issues) and who were these "experts" (their expertise may suggest what the news wanted to mainly focus on in their news).
Rich Monte   
Mar 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] - ARTS AND SCIENCE; unique traits of arts vs science and technology [3]

Very good essay. What I would possibly add is how arts and science can complement each other (you have good examples, but you may want to make this point). Also, a good argument would be to mention the field of philosophy which has created a lot of advancement in society through the implementation of technology.
Rich Monte   
Mar 20, 2019

You've got a very good point about using the "old-fashioned" communication (like letters); people would generally be able to write anything they wanted in letters, but with social media, if something goes beyond the established "norms", your post will be hidden / banned. The essay is very good; you could also touch the aspect of freedom of communication and possible privacy issues resulting from social media.
Rich Monte   
Mar 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] People should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. [3]

It seems that the advantages to go vegan (described in the 2nd paragraph) are not much better than disadvantages you described in the 3rd paragraph. Both arguments are valid, but your conclusion comes a little as a surprise because the positives of vegetarian diet aren't really 'far more significant.' You may also mention "proteins" (meat or fish are the main source).

And consider the difference between 'vegetarian' and 'vegan' ('vegetarians' don't eat meat but can drink milk, eggs, etc. - 'vegans' only eat plant products; so you probably described more vegans than vegetarians here).
Rich Monte   
Jan 8, 2019

You should include more research on the impact of AI / technology in schools (for example there was research that involved a college where all students received free laptops; in the end, their study scores were the same or lower than the colleges that did not use laptops). Plus common-sense thinking that all those monopolistic technology corporations want to have free customers by selling their technology to public schools that are subsidized by tax payers and local governments.
Rich Monte   
May 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / Fatally Ill People's Choice [2]

Without pain and suffering, there is no existence (not to mention 'no pain, no gain). Life is by design to be painful, so you may miss the point there. But you are right that for a government ill people who cannot produce anything and don't pay taxes are useless, so the sooner they are gone, the better. But think where it can lead - you may lose a leg in the future in an accident, but other than that you feel very well and want to live; still, since you cannot work, you are useless to a government, so you may expect a death panel to decide you should not live. Hopefully you like the choice of no-choice..
Rich Monte   
May 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / Technological skills through computer games? Any other influence? [5]

You focus on 'brain stimulation' - that's fine, but I think there are studies showing that too much brain stimulation among children causes insomnia and other psychological/behavioral issues. That's why, any benefits of using such technological devices by children are dwarfed by the possible negative effects.
Rich Monte   
May 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Kids skills and familiarization in using new gadgets [5]

It's pretty good, but you failed to discuss how the technology would help children learn about the real (not only virtual) world - would they know how to make a bread or other basic stuff like that? Knowing how to use Facebook or how to make a selfie does NOT prepare a young person to the challenges of the real world.
Rich Monte   
Mar 28, 2017
Essays / Writing an essay on Science and Technologies: Designer babies [6]

I'd entitle the essay like: "Why Designer Babies Are Wrong and How to Stop the Pseudo-Scientist from Wasting Tax-Payer Money on Non-Health Issues?"

You could use several arguments to support your points, for example:

- Designer babies solve no health problems (it's like a breast implant surgery which doesn't 'heal' anything but causes more problems down the road),

- IF 'baby designing' was to be a part of 'healthcare' (and this is what the fight is about) billions would be spent on a non-health issue instead of curing/bringing science to actual health problems like cancer. The goal of the pseudo-scientists and corporations behind them is to persuade the public that 'designer babies' should be a part of healthcare (then, they could waste our tax payer money on that),

- Designer babies will turn into Frankensteins (forcing the nature into something unnatural guarantees that),

- Designer babies will cause humans to be even less human (if they can 'design' a baby like a toy, they can also return it like a toy - see animal shelters) - in the end it would create 'designed human shelters.'

In the conclusion you could point out that if someone wants to have designer babies, it's all fine - AS LONG AS they don't waste taxpayers money and sponsor 100% of their 'research' on their own and don't classify 'baby designing' as a healthcare issue.
Rich Monte   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Which school facilities should receive money from the local authorities? [3]

You'd better not mention health issues - if you do, you should also point out that the 'modern electronic gadgets' cause cancer and blindness (which is still much better outcome than 'breathing problems' from chalks - at this point, though, I doubt you've ever hold a chalk in your hand because if you did you'd know it does not cause any breathing problems). Finally, you forgot to mention where the 'local authorities' receive money from (normally they produce nothing so they have to take money from someone to give it to someone else).
Rich Monte   
Dec 23, 2016
Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [11]

8. Use technology - modern browsers have auto-spelling corrections so take advantage of that by fixing misspelling mistakes BEFORE you post an essay here :)
Rich Monte   
Nov 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Formally Written Essay on Why Hillary Clinton Should've Been President [2]

She was the selected Democratic candidate

It's a good point (she was indeed selected by DNC to be a nominee, not elected, despite the fact she had less support than Bernie). So you should probably spend another sentence on that.

Regarding experience, you suggest that more experience = better. If that was the case, M. Jordan, if he was still playing, would be the best MVP candidate? Probably not.

You mention her experience as a wife of a president.. you may also ask a question - if she was not married to B. Clinton, would she have a chance to be selected as a congresswoman?

Hillary Clinton has proven, with her years after years in office, that she can handle these permissions in a trustworthy and responsible manner.

Yes, and should also mention the FBI investigation to an illegal server.

You mention president Obama and how Mrs. Clinton would 'build on his success.' But are people really better off today than they were 8 years ago? Would they want to continue the same path?

Finally, you may know that economy was among the most important issues in this year's presidential elections. But you only mention forcing 'equal pay' - forgetting that if there are high taxes and high regulations, like in the past 8 years, there are chances there would be no pay to share (businesses would either move to low-tax countries or would do nothing and join the millions who wait for the government to send them a paycheck).

I think you focus too much on social issues which mean nothing in times of no economic growth; you may want to devote at least an additional paragraph to: economic struggles during the Obama administration, bad (not only good) sides of illegal immigration, and external threats / how to prevent them (terrorism etc.). Plus, you put too much emphasis on what somebody SAID (Trump) versus what somebody DID (or DID NOT do).

Overall, this essay is very well written and constructed, but the points need to be more objective and stronger (again, focus more on hard-core issues, not social ones).
Rich Monte   
Oct 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The employment in the modern world, computer era. [3]

First, you need to go back to learning how to use a passive voice. For example, this one is incorrect:

"which are expected to replace by computer " - correct: "which are expected to be replaced by computer"

or this one:

"that people can be encountered " - correct: "that people can encounter"

Second, don't start common words with a capital letter (eg. The, or Teachers in the sentences above should be all lower-caps).

the government should create more jobs for people

You need to elaborate more on that because it directly defies your thesis statement. Governments and corporations (that mostly sponsor and write laws for the government) - using tax money of the people - created the technology to replace the costly, human workforce. Now you are naively asking that the same governments will "create jobs." You need to find and focus on more reasonable solutions to your problem, knowing that there will be no help from government or corporations now and in the future.
Rich Monte   
Oct 20, 2016
Undergraduate / Moving to America and getting more freedom [5]

Your English is very good. You focused in detail on America, your new home country. However, you should probably devote a big paragraph on your former country, ie. India. You may answer questions, like why India is what it is, why it's eaten by the cancer of fraud, deception, and corruption, and why you are against all that. And that you pledge to never allow the same kind of people who currently run India to be part of your new home country.
Rich Monte   
Oct 11, 2016
Scholarship / The fate of people with disabilities in Nigeria. Leadership and influence essay [3]

"we should start with the problem we want to solve in the world"

Sorry, but it is completely delusional and fraudulent way of thinking. It suggests that people should not worry about their closest, local issues, but take care of the problems they will not be able to solve anyway. Such a way of thinking will produce absolutely nothing but lip-service and shifts your own responsibility to other people who will not care about your responsibilities anyway. You should remove this part completely and start with something more reasonable and workable, for example: "we should start with the problem we want to solve in our local communities (and forget about the progressive propaganda that we can change the world)."
Rich Monte   
Sep 22, 2015
Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Thank you ! I want to be a CEO so can you tell me how can i write it?

Let me tell you, you are not going to be a CEO. Your posts show you aren't a very hard-working student, you demand from others way more than you demand from yourself; you don't like to make an effort and do your very best. You waste too much time on Facebook and other unproductive websites and many of your peers are ahead of your level. If you want to be a CEO, act like one - hire a paid professional editing service and communicate with them privately as needed.
Rich Monte   
Aug 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : The problem of over using internet [5]

This essay presents an interesting concept of freedom which should be followed by all young people. You may also want to compare the Internet to watching TV and reading of books and conclude that all of these activities could also make people fat and mentally overwhelmed. This, in result, destroys the potential of a human society. So the most appropriate solution is to lobby the Bureaucrats and ask them for the best solution: to ban TV and eliminate people who spend too much time reading (inappropriate) books while sitting. And before lending a book, people should ask a Government Official if it is appropriate and useful enough to read it and if it's going to make our society better and more productive.
Rich Monte   
Jul 18, 2015
Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

The most important things for students is to realize two things: seek the truth, don't fall for the '51% thinks so so I must be part of that too' and never allow to kill your individualism. You (not a group you may belong to) is fully responsible for your life. Don't trash the values of your ancestors and don't let yourself to be told that 'it is a different world' because in fact the world and its inherit values are unchangeable.
Rich Monte   
Jul 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should developed nations help undeveloped ones in the aspects of health, education and trading [6]

Primarily, undeveloped countries, which mostly rely on agricultural productivity or mineral resources and monetary deficit, are deeply buried in debt.

Well, you state something but it has no connection to the reality (in other words, what you say is totally inaccurate). When you refer to: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_external_debt you will notice that top 20 countries with the most debt are the developed countries. And the countries with the least debt rely on agricultural productivity. So I won't be commenting on the rest until you do more careful research into your statements.
Rich Monte   
Jul 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / "Is it necessary for people to combine their efforts .." SAT March 2015 [4]

You need to write more from a realistic (not literary / legendary) point of view. 'The Plaque' is a novel, a story, which presents the idealistic (but not very real) nature of people. The presidential speeches are motivational tales, but they are just words and besides emotions they don't create anything useful.

To be serious about your research, you should focus on the historical aspects of socialism / communism movement and how it failed to deliver what's been promised. At first sight, the ideas of collectivism are great but humans will never be perfect and the corrupt element / laziness / cutting corners / lack of integrity will always prevail. Out of 10 people, 2-3 are very hard-working and honorable, the rest may not be. It's not sustainable to build something stable when only 20-30% of the building blocks do their job well and are trustworthy, and the rest live off the fruit of these 20-30%.
Rich Monte   
Jun 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / youth unemployment. Consequences? suggestion? [4]

It's a well-thought out essay. Make sure to always start a new sentence with a capital letter (and end a sentence with a dot). You could also discuss some arguments that are heavily promoted in our colleges, universities, and some governments. For example:

- Our governments should give more visas to foreign students to study and work (for example, the new TPP agreement is a step in the right direction). It's true they may compete with the current students and will drive down salaries but that way countries that can help will do the right thing and as long as we don't starve we should be grateful.

- Governments should spend more money to promote the modern lifestyle of young people, ie. them living in a basement with parents or sharing an apartment with a few of their peers. There are also other green initiatives, like renting a tent during summer months; it's like killing two birds with one stone: green + using less resources = win for the planet.

- There should be new laws imposed on cafes like Starbucks or shopping centers / gas stations opened 24 hrs - to allow graduates have sleeping bags on their premises so that they have a place to spend a night in case they don't get along with their parents or grandparents.

- More money should be spent on programs helping young people cope with mental stress resulting from them being unable to find a job. For example, each student could download a few games for free to their smart phone and enjoy them. Or get some extra vaccine for free.
Rich Monte   
Jun 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should all education and healthcare be funded by the government and free for everyone? [2]

There should be 'services' instead of 'cervices' in the last paragraph.

You should also give more arguments about:

1. When people are responsible by eating a balanced diet and exercise - they should get a tax refund from government to promote healthy lifestyle choices.

2. When you talk about free healthcare and free education that are crucial in the global economy, you forgot about free food. Without free food, people will be malnourished and will not be able to even get up to go to school or to work. In result, providing free food should be even more important than providing free healthcare and education because without food it's impossible to accomplish anything.

3. Focusing back on healhtcare and education, you should dedicate a paragraph on helping out people from the neighboring countries. Many of foreigners cannot afford healtcare and education, so government should cover their expenses too in case their own governments fail to deliver.
Rich Monte   
May 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / We should pay attention to the opinions of famous people. [4]

It seems you omitted one important question: what / who makes people famous? In countries where there is no freedom of speech and no Constitution, the only famous people are those who are artificially created to be famous. You need to provide more insight on whether it is possible to manipulate who becomes famous and how genuine the current famous people may be. You also need to explore the phenomenon of paid (and often undisclosed) endorsement of popular celebrities towards a certain goal; would you still support the opinions of famous people if you knew they are just paid spokesmen and don't actually believe what they say?

Btw. you could also include some 'local' information about your parents, siblings, or other family members - do they encourage you to become a better person and can you learn anything from their lives, successes, and failures.
Rich Monte   
May 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Strict punishments for driving offences - safety reasons? [4]

1. You shouldn't use capital letters unless it's a start of a sentence (for example you use: 'In Conclusion' instead of 'In conclusion').

2. You should use 'on one hand' (without 'the').

3. Driving under influence... leads (not lead).

4. It's related to your way of thinking. One thing you must understand is that traffic tickets are built-into budgets of cities and states. That means, if you were the only driver in CityX, you would be penalized multiple times even for safe driving (some of the reasons could include absurds like: tires of different brands, unwashed car, holding a coffee cup while driving, having your dog on a back seat, not wearing proper sunglasses, having a window open while raining, stopping for ducks crossing a street etc.). The fact that traffic fines are built-into budgets suggests it is not about safety - it is about money. Young people like you should start wondering what it's all about and how to stop it. For example, why do they allow cars to be able to drive over 350 MPG when in fact the maximum speed limit in all states of the US is 85 MPH. IF they had safety in mind, they would require that cars are electronically limited to a maximum speed of, let's say, 100 MPH (to add 15 MPH when you want to take over another car on a highway). Please don't become a slave and thank that you are a slave; be a free man who is responsible for his/her life and can take of him/herself. The more bogus laws created in the name of 'safety,' the more personal freedoms are taken.
Rich Monte   
Apr 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Social Media and Cyberbulling Today [2]

Your conclusion (and I agree with that) suggests that the real problem is unlimited and uncontrolled access of young people to social media websites. As a parent, you should start with the source and treat the reason, not the cause. Your essay suggests that social media are forced upon children and there is absolutely no way to avoid that. There is a very simple way - disconnect the kid from the net. Parents sponsor their children's Internet / cell-phone plans so they are 100% in control of cyberbulling or whatever other negative effects the social media may bring.

You could also mention that it's important to educate children to be 'thick-skinned' and not worry about their friends' possible attacks. If a child is self-confident, others cannot use cyber-bulling against him/her.

You may also discuss how cyber-bulling is different from 'regular' bulling (it's not much different in general sense).

Last note - you mention Facebook and MySpace (the latter one is not very popular any more; you may want to mention Twitter, Pintrest too).
Rich Monte   
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Observing children copy the watched parents - IELTS Sample Essay [3]

It should be stressed that parents, not adults, are responsible for their children. Humans are not a herd of cows who will do fine in life by observing other cows. Your essay should underline this simple fact; for now, from your essay seems that failure of a child in the future life can be attributed to 'adults' who happen to be in their surroundings..

Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳