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Posts by mayfl0wer [Suspended]
Joined: Dec 29, 2012
Last Post: Feb 13, 2013
Threads: 6
Posts: 48  
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From: Canada

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mayfl0wer   
Feb 13, 2013
Undergraduate / QLEAD delegate; Queen's Commerce Prog - Research/ right fit [2]

In 300 words or fewer (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), please demonstrate the research you have done to ensure that Queen's Commerce Program is the right fit for you.

Growing up with a stock trader for a father sparked my curiosity in the world of business at a young age. In middle school, I enrolled into the International Business and Technology Program, and as I began to take courses in marketing, financial math, and entrepreneurship, my interest in the subject grew.

Throughout high school, Queen's Commerce has constantly been brought up in conversation as the best business undergraduate program in the country. After conducting research both online and talking to students who are currently in the program, I concluded that Queen's Commerce is in fact not only the best business program in the country, but for me as well. Through my network with DECA and Gordon Graydon alumni, I speak to several Queen's Commerce students on a regular basis, and I am continuously impressed by what the program has to offer, both academically and socially.

Academics wise, by offering a broad variety of mandated subjects in the first two years and the freedom of electives in the last two, Queen's' multi-faceted curriculum allows me to explore various academic interests before the option to specialize in a discipline of my choice. In addition, in a time during which corporate responsibility is vital, _________, I plan to [obtain?] the Commerce Program's Certificate in Socially Responsible Leadership. Last, I am particularly interested in Queen's third year exchange program, for I hope to complete an exchange to France to build upon my nine years of French education and develop a holistic understanding of European's business culture.

In addition, I find Queen's social environment particularly inviting. As a QLEAD delegate, I had the opportunity to experience firsthand the closeknit community that Queen's Commerce has to offer. As a student who started her own venture projects in both grades 8 and 10, I possess an avid interest in entrepreneurship and hope to foster my passion through the various business opportunities at Queen's, specifically the Commerce Society's Queen's Entrepreneurship Competition (QEC) and DECA Queen's. Through QEC, I can ___________. Furthermore, through the Commerce Society's DECA Queen's and DECA Queen's Invitation, I can not only continue DECA but develop skills applicable to any career through presentations, case analysis, and problem solving _____.

Through my research on Queen's and specifically the Commerce program, I am drawn in by both the academic and social _____ it has to offer. As a Queen's Commerce student, I will be surrounded by a small class of intelligent and diverse individuals who are not only equally passionate about making a difference with their education, but having fun doing so as well. I would be honoured to bleed tri-colour.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Student politics to Event-planning ; Western Ivey AEO-My uniqueness [4]

The ideal Ivey HBA student has a wide range of interests, perspectives, and life experiences. Describe the uniqueness you have brought as a student to your high school based on your own interests, perspectives, and life experiences. Please be concise and respond using 250 words or less in your answer.

'You will not be taken seriously. You must wait until you grow up.' Growing up, having my initiative cut by adults was daunting, yet the feeling of being told I was inadequate because of my age made me realize the need for youth to make a difference.

Throughout high school, I have consistently provided a voice to my peers. In Grade 9, as a Grade Rep on my Student Council, I implemented a 'suggestion box' at school and gathered ideas to hold acoustic performances and runway shows. In Grade 10, I became the president of the Semi-Formal Committee, and through a voting system that allowed students to decide everything from themes to music, I ensured that by taking everyone's opinion, we were able to execute a successful night.

As the Public Board Council President of the Ontario Student Trustees' Association (OSTA), I represent over 1.2 million Ontario students. After students expressed their discontent with school cafeterias, I along with the OSTA Executive, launched Stickit, a national campaign to boycott fast food. After newspapers launched us into the spotlight, we met with corporate companies that supplied food to Ontario schools and at the moment, are discussing price reductions with Aramark to make cafeteria food more affordable.

In the past four years, I have been a proactive advocate of student voice through all my interests, from student politics to event-planning to youth leadership. Issues can be overwhelming, but to challenge these problems, both young and old must be involved. I realize that in the midst of the adult dominated world, students can be the drivers of change. We have a voice and we do not have to wait.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / GOD FATHER; Common App/ Character in fiction/historical figure [8]

There are many characters, both fictional and historic, that have had an influence on me. Most share same traits that I appreciate the most: loyalty to their live principles, determination in achieving their goals, smartness, appreciation of their family and friends, and quality of being true leaders.

^ Way too many in a list.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Broader study exposure; WHY DO WANT TO TRANSFER TO UC? [5]

I am very happy with what Oakton community college has been able to provide for me during my two years at the college. My professors were very passionate about what they teach and very knowledgably le. However, my college cannot provide the resources for me to further my educational goal of becoming an economist.

you capitalize economist here and there. make it consistent.

you should also be more detailed in exactly what facilities would help you at UC.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Inspire/ Entertain/ Enlighten; UNC - Message in a bottle [3]

Whether you find this message floating in the middle of the Pacific ocean, or even if you find it washed up on shore while lounging out on a beach in Waikiki

You talk about your life and your dad's drug addiction and then BAM ending.
You don't talk about how you dealt with your family problems and how 'it got better' so where is the positive ending to your story to help influence the reader? ...
mayfl0wer   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / The fear of speaking the English language in America [2]

This has since become the philosophy I embrace as well as the type of individual I admire and aspire to be.

^ When you use the word 'since,' there should be a time you refer it to.

people would glance at me weirdly mock my accent or laugh at my mistakes.

Good essay. :)

Help with mine?
mayfl0wer   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / How being Brazilian has given me a different perspective [5]

As the van jiggled atop the unpaved, rocky streets COMMA I embraced the beautiful scenery.

^Jiggled is a weird word to use in this case.

Although there are many culture shocks I have when I arriving in Brazil, the one that has impacted my life most is

^Very abrupt with no transition.

Overall, well done.

Please help with mine!
mayfl0wer   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Social stigma/ YKNOT ; UNC / IMPORTANT PROBLEM I TRY TO SOLVE [6]

5. Carolina encourages students and faculty to solve problems. What problem are you trying to solve, and why is it important to you? (approximately 500 words)

The societal stigma that surrounds mental disorders has always been present. Like many, I previously thought that 'disability' was equivalent to 'dysfunction,' however my experience with YKNOT? changed my perception and understanding of an entire group present and prominent within society--individuals with mental disabilities.

My work with YKNOT? consisted of providing swimming lessons for children with mental disorders. The conditions of the children in my class varied, from ADHD to cerebral palsy, and it was working with them that sparked a complete evolution of my perspective. I came to love these kids with no second thought of their disabilities, and it was a shock when I listened to parents tell me stories of their children getting teased in regular swim lessons and the bullying that occurred within their schools. At first, I merely believed that the cruelty of other kids was due to their immaturity. That is, until a close friend of mine referred to YKNOT as a 'class of retards.'

That was when I realized that we have a problem in our society. If a friend could not understand that my kids are not 'retards,' how could I expect that of individuals with no relation to those with disabilities? The general public, with beliefs based on fear and misunderstandings, often negatively stereotype those with mental illnesses. With so many educators and policy makers sweeping the topic of mental health under the rug, there is a lack of instruction and awareness in our schools from a young age. I realized that I had to take action. (awks)

As a member of my student council and the Student Trustee of the Peel District School Board, I organized a mental health week with the assistance of the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) and spearheaded the promotion of the Mental Health Charter of Rights by the Coalition of Children and Youth Mental Health in my school board. Both initiatives encouraged students to learn and discuss issues related to mental health, bringing the topic to the forefront of discussion in schools and communities.

The response was overwhelming. Over 500 students participated in daily workshops that week and three months later, a Mental Health Charter hangs in the foyer of all 32 high schools in the Peel District School Board. At YKNOT?, my kids and I organized a Swim-a-Thon for the entire community, raising over $9,000 for the CMHA and collecting 8,280 signatures in support of mental health awareness. The signatures now hang on a banner at the entrance of the YMCA, a sign of welcome to all types of individuals.

At the University of Chapel Hill, I plan to become actively involved with Active Mind at Carolina, an organization of students dedicated to changing the dialogue of mental health. Through Active Mind, I can apply the logistics and event-planning skills I have developed as a Student Trustee to organize events that educate the UNC student body on all aspects of mental health - from the hard facts behind mental disorders to how to respond to peers suffering from mental illness. Through Active Minds, I can meet and collaborate with like-minded students passionate about making a difference with their education to create a more open and supportive environment for all. [blah idk some really nice summary one liner that's like BAM]
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Mother's relocation to Georgia' - Common Application Personal Statement [2]

Struggling to accept every school I applied to rejected me, I chose to fabricate a story where limited financial aid was my sole reason for not attending college. Stuck in this victim mentality that was typical of myself and high school at the time, I continued to believe no high-achieving university wanted a senior who scored roughly a 1400 on his SATs and graduated-just barely-in the lower half of his class.

accept THAT.

"typical of myself and high school" - high school cannot have a victim mentality.

This is all good until the last paragraph when you say "your school."

Which is 'your school?' Because this is the common app, all schools will think that you think it's good to be transferred to however many schools you applied for.

Don't be so specific and instead say 'change of scenery / environment' or something.

Help with mine?
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are walking down the street.." - Pomona Essay Supplement [4]

I slowly start immersing myself into this culture.

myself IN this culture.

As I continueD walking

When the musical piece was over COMMA the man opened his eyes and seemed bewildered to see me there watching him. Jumping up COMMA I apologized for scaring him and thanked him for playing.

Ending is a bit abrupt. Seems like you ended it because you were running close to the word limit.

Try to make a bit more subtle.

Help with mine?
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

In all honesty, because I have recently received permission from my parents to apply to American universities, I could only replace a long research for colleges with brief website searches. However, as soon as I explored the University of Chicago's website, I knew I found my future destination.

Take the entire paragraph out. It's awkward to read and you don't want them to think you based off your decision off of a website.

Develop a passion for economics? You can't expect to DEVELOP a passion. You either build upon or pursue your passion.

Don't use transition words like 'firstly' and 'secondly.' It makes your essay mechanical.

I felt scared was petrified yet mad angered because I WAS ONLY 16 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME AND HAD ONLY SEEN A PART OF THE WORLD. I thought that life was too short to let go of the chances to experience the unique parts of our world.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Relationships with my enemies' - U Chicago Supp [5]

I can already imagine that our similarities would repulse the faint hearted and force us apart like two positive ends on a magnet trying to make contact.

Repulse the faint hearted? Why so?

In a utopia COMMA we

Well written!

Just to clarify - you wrote that your enemy is yourself, correct?

It seems to jump from someone like yourself to your self doubt - really quickly.
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

I am also excited by Cornell's recent move to eliminate barriers between the separate schools at Cornell.

You said Cornell twice.

In fact, you said Cornell many times throughout your essay.

Otherwise, great!

Check my Duke supp out?
mayfl0wer   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'relevancy of economics' - Cornell Supplement Economics [6]

Growing up in Beijing, the capital of one of the world's fastest developing countries, the dynamics of the city changed with breathtaking speed.

^ when you begin your sentence with a gerund, you need a subject otherwise it's incomplete.
because look: 'growing up in beijing, ____________________."
you need to add 'I' in there.

With the college's dedication to the liberal arts, I would be encouraged, in fact required to take a variety of different courses.
^encouraged and required are contradictions.

Please help me with mine!
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Liberal environment - the most appealing feature of Columbia [4]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

As a student interested in government and policy on both a local and global skill, I find Columbia's World Leaders Forum particularly inviting. Through the forum, I can witness issues that matter to me brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential political and social leaders, as well as meet others who are passionate about similar causes. Invitations of controversial figures such as Ethiopian Prime Minister Zenawi and Iranian President Ahmadinejad exemplify Columbia's open-minded values and acceptance of individuals with alternative perspectives.

After researching the clubs and organizations that exist at the university, I realized that Columbia is home to a full spectrum of opportunities to explore my interests and make a difference outside of a classroom setting. Having always dreamed of writing for a university publication, I hope to draw upon my writing abilities and business background to write for the Columbia Daily Spectator or Columbia Economics Review. With a passion for social equity in the LGBTQ community, I plan to become involved with the Columbia Queer Alliance and draw upon my event-planning experience as a Student Trustee to assist in organizing LGBTQ education events such as Queer Awareness Month.

Columbia's liberal environment and plethora of extracurriculars are both ingredients for an exciting undergraduate experience. I want to attend a university that dreams as big as I do, and if my resume does not reflect that, let me show you in person.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Envl Club/Upgrade library/Not specific;UVirginia;Extracurricular/Project/Place [8]

When I saw this essay prompt, I was relieved but agitated at the same time. The answer came as easily as my name, but the words to actually describe it were hard to grasp.

^ Awkward. You can definitely take it out.

And finally, how finishing a book makes me sad to let it go, yet fills me with utmost happiness.
^ Very abrupt and inconclusive conclusion.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I know we'll get along; Stanford - Roommate [7]

aving attended international schools with people from many countries

and met individuals from many other countries,

But I also enjoy many activities.
^ There is no need for a 'but.'

And I can also play drums. Can you play instrument? If not, I can teach you and if yes, I'd love to jam sometime.

^ "Oh, and I love to play the drums. Do you play any instruments? If so, I'd love to jam sometime, and if not, I'd love to teach you."

But more importantly, I'm looking forward to creating new experiences with you at Stanford together, experiences that we will remember years from now.
^ weird run on.

I hope you, like me, are the type of person that can study hard one day, read a book and listen to music the next and go out and explore the city the next after that.

'the next after that' (awkward)
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Be Informed; Pomona Supplement - What I say to my community [4]

Don't repeat the question in answering it.

As a country and as a society, we are more ignorant than any other time in history, and manydo not understand nor wish to understand the issues facing them.

The average person today is more likely to know the details of the General Petraeus affair than the details of how our healthcare system works.

^ Great example. Give another.

In fact, ignorance has led many people into deep apathy towards important matters that define our political, economic and social state as a country, and as people.

You talk a lot about how people are uninformed and apathetic, but you should talk about how they can become engaged.

"Read the Wall Street Journal, _________, __________"
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Economics, international diplomacy & Language/ Engaging Academically @ Penn(Wharton) [4]

With a passion for economics, international diplomacy, and language, I see no limits to the academic opportunities available to me at the University of Pennsylvania. The immense scope of courses available at Wharton investigates every crevice of business, and the university's multi-faceted curriculum allows me to explore my diverse academic interests. As an immigrant, I am drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid economic expansion in China. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine the effects of China's one-child policy on the growing middle class. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

In addition, at Wharton, I hope to become actively involved with the Penn International Business Volunteers (PIBV). Pairing my passion in global issues with my education at Wharton, I can utilize my business background to aid various development initiatives and NGOs around the world. Later in my undergraduate years, I hope to apply the event planning skills that I have developed as a Student Trustee and assist in organizing PIVB conferences and social events to educate the rest of the Wharton student body about how they can use their education to assist in international aid.

Last, I am particularly interested in Wharton's Study Abroad programs to Lyons, France due to the program's immersive French environment and focus on both business and the liberal arts. Having studied French for nine years, I am eager to build upon my language skills, as well as develop a holistic understanding of European culture and its business climate.

Overall, Penn is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact. Through a full spectrum of available resources, the Wharton undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in business and prepare me for a career in the global marketplace.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Dream School; Boston University Supp- Why applied? [9]

There was a very abrupt jump between ' found myself challenged by this question. However, I came up with an answer of "I plan to study a few things before I make up my mind."

I gave this answer because I knew I had many interests and wanted to delve into more than one subject in my higher education. Growing up, my interests (such as?)made me knowledgeable in many areas, but it also made it hardER to decide what I want to study in college. For me, BU takes away the difficulty of choosing and gives me the opportunity to not only study in several areas, but major in more than one subject.

Though today I can say Economics is my most keen interest and most likely what I'll study in college,
^ Although I can say that I want to study Economics today, ______
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / arts-and-science focused, medium-sized, highly residential etc. /Why ROCHESTER? [3]

Myself AS a student.

' I felt comfortable and knew it had suitable environment for me to expand my knowledge of biological science.'

The bio sciences part was a bit abrupt. Try to take your last sentence about facilities and put it before?

Opened me my mind.

Overall, pretty good.

The anecdote was quite good. : )
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I co-founded & run my Sixth Form's debating society/ Extracurricular Activity [3]

be challenged on the both the latest and oldest standing questions concerning international and domestic politics, law, culture and society.

Debating has opened my eyes to the importance of a rationale, logic and a fair approach when forming an argument. It has which has no place for the opinionated, prejudices and unfounded conclusions; the lifeblood of any well-rounded contributor to society and any potential student.

The vibrancy of discussion with MY peers

Budding is a very awkward term.
mayfl0wer   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Columbia's vision of mobility and the Core Curriculum ; Columbia supp- Why? [5]

House was the show that sparked my interest in biology and medicine. I wanted his ability to analyze the genetic and environmental factors of his patients and ultimately diagnose and treat whatever ailments they were suffering from.

You refer to house as a show in the first sentence, then a person. Be a bit more specific. Although I understood your message, it definitely halted my reading.

Revolving AROUND.

I had grasped this concept when I read the novel in 2009, but I feel a greater appreciation for the novel after rereading it, and feel that I now truly understand what Picoult wanted to convey.

^ Weird run - on.

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