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Posts by Arun0506
Joined: Jan 6, 2013
Last Post: May 5, 2014
Threads: 27
Posts: 120  
Likes: 34
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 147 / page 1 of 4
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Arun0506   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS task 2: Is it necessary to restict Long working hours in workplace? [9]

Hi TiaDs,
Thanks for your response. I believe we should talk about both agree &disagree (or) positive & negative (or) Advantage & disadvantage if in the question ask us to discuss both views. Here it is an agrument type asking whether we agree or disagree. The same thing applies for " to what extent do you agree"

It will be good if someone who know properly can clarify our doubt. Thanks.
Arun0506   
Apr 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS task 2: Is it necessary to restict Long working hours in workplace? [9]

People tend to work longer hours nowadays. Working long hours has a negative effect on themselves, their families and the society, so working hours should be restricted. Do you agree or disagree?

In today's context, increasing number of people seems to be workaholic in nature. Though, it helps them to showcase their ability and productivity in their workplace, however, it adversely affecting them in various aspects such as in terms of health, personal relationship with family members and in socialization. In my personal view, I agree with the view that it is significant to restrict number of hours people work these days.

Beyond doubt, people don't want to sacrifices their health, family and friend at any cause, but due to the economic situation and existing competition which left people without any choice other than struggling to survive in their workplace despite the long time work pressure. As a result, people become largely reluctant to pay attention in taking healthy diet, spending time with their family and participating in social activities. For example, a person who is incredibly successful in his career, mostly fail to balance the work life and personal life which ultimately end up in conflicts and breakups with families.

Definitely, government should be made responsible in order to address this alarming issue of long working hours with which people are getting exploited in their life. In addition, imposing strict rules on number of working hours helps people to concentrate on time management, work-life balance and social awareness in a great way. In many countries, for example, Germany, as per the law, managers are not supposed to engage their subordinates in work during odd hours until there is a real critical issue to be address quickly.

In conclusion, I strongly support the view that it is increasingly necessary to regulate the number of working hours by stringent government rules in order to encourage people to have healthy nutrient diet, improved their family life relationships and being considerate to the society.
Arun0506   
Apr 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / These days, fewer people want to become teachers, particularly in high schools. [8]

Hi Uzboy,
First of all, your essay has more number of words i.e. 388 which I feel as too much and it is highly difficult for you complete your task 2 within 40 mins out of 1 hour.

It is good enough if you are able to manage your time for both the task.

By 21st century, in many countries, being a teacher in a school was held in high esteem in the job market.

We are still running in 21st century, hence the about statement is not that meaning full and catchy as Dumi said.

The first factor to consider in terms of the shortage of teachers is a significant difference in the salaries paid to teachers and other qualified workers, which are notably higher.

. First of all, the most significant factor which plays a major role while someone choosing their profession is their salary package. Apparently, nowadays, people who are working less selfishly especially like teachers earning visibly much lesser salary than as compared to technical profession such as software Engineers.

Consequently, the prospect of low income discourages students from pursuing a career in teaching.

--> Good Sentence
You can add one more reason like" As result of huge financial burden in certain families, where people inevitably looking for a better paid jobs than thinking about servicing as teacher for the benefit of the society. "
Arun0506   
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Parents should allow their children to select their own profession [7]

Dear Aisha,
kindly let us know the purpose of your wirting, whether are you preparing for IELTS or any other exam. So that senior people in our forum can help us in a better way to improve our writing. Thank you.

... Arun
Arun0506   
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'sense of cooperation' - children should be competitive or cooperative? [11]

Dear Yuchiu,

In present educational system there are variety of competitions in academic area and athletic area for children to attend, which could stimulating the will of children to learn and to achieve the best of them, and also be able to teach them teamwork skill. However, some people think it is better to make children be competitive than cooperative, both the values have its arguments.

For eg : Beyond doubt, system of education is an incredible tool to nurture the children in various aspects, in order to make them an useful adult to the society. Some people believes that Children should taught to be competitive in nature rather being co-operative with their fellow peers, to become a successful person in future, whereas, others think otherwise. I my personal opinion, in order to shape up the children as an useful adult to the society, they should be given adequate knowledge on being cooperative and considerate on others, instead of being competitive always.
Arun0506   
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; mobile phones and precautions [7]

Dear Linh,
First of all, please provide the full question in order to understand the objective of your essay.
Secondly, paraphrase your essay to ease the understanding of the reader which is essential in IELTS writing.
Thirdly, your essay don't have 250 word in total. It is highly significant to have full task achievement.
Finally, Try to organize your points with linking words to achieve coherency in your essay.

Good Luck !!!

... Arun
Arun0506   
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts: 'the corner stone' - Is freedom of speech necessary in a free society? [3]

Dear Samsonyeung,
Welcome to the forum. Glad to see your writing. I suggest you to follow the below essay structure as strict rules, in order to achieve band 7 in IELTS writing module

This point is best illustrated with the example of United State. As being considered the most democratic country of the world, American is proud to claim that they live in the country of freedom. Unfortunately, the U.S government was currently unveiled by the mass media that they secretly supervised all the civil communication on phone and internet. This news shocked the public and aroused a great deal of concern, because it violates the principles of freedom.

-- Never discuss both prons and cons of your examples at the same place. If you are providing an example in support of your idea. stay intact with that prompt. Dont give negative side of the same.

try to use synonyms of the words rather than using the same work repetitively.
for eg: Freedom --> liberty, Speech -- Voice,

Good Luck !!!

...Arun
Arun0506   
Apr 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS General Training; 'growing trend of increasing the retirement age' [4]

Dear Varsha,

I believe IELTS task two question will have a line saying " Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working beyond retirement age also give your own opinion based on your experience and knowledge" No matter even if they didn't ask about your opinion. It is always better to provide your own experience in the introduction as last point, nothing harm in that.

Then, Your ideas should be given in a academic manner rather than writing in our day to day conversation language.
For Eg:

However, there are many negatives of working longer.

---> This could be like this as per my knowledge " However, though there are various benefits obtained through working beyond retirement age, we cannot overlooked the associated issues which it may give rise to"

There are positives of working longer not only to individual but to the society and country as well.

--> Please be remember that while using not only, you should close it with but also . then the tense should be same at both the places.

Eg: In general working nature of aging population not only beneficial for the individual alone, but also eventually bring positive outcomes to the society as well .

Finally, Try to support your ideas with relevant examples in paragraph 2 and 3.

Good Luck for your wirting!!!

...Arun
Arun0506   
Apr 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children to learn about money via parents - educate about the significance of money [10]

Dear Dumi,

No need to be sorry :-). You are always welcome to provide genuine comments :-) No matter whether it is good or bad.
I am away looking for your valuable comments. I was not trying to justify my writing instead I was trying to understand what was wrong ? and why dumi has given such comments?

My only worry is that whether you were able to manage time for that? Seems a bit lengthy :)

Yes you are right, the essay was bit lengthy which crossed over 300 words. However, for this essay I was able to complete in 40 mins. Still I too agree that too lengthy essay given way to have more mistakes and make us to run out time. Will take care in future.

Thanks Dumi :-)
Arun0506   
Apr 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people commiting serious crimes should be punished as adults [9]

Can you can give me some repetition for key words: "the young" and "adults".

In addition to Dumi's suggestions

Possible alternatives :
Young --> Adolescents, Teenagers, Youth(as dumi said)
Adults --> Matured people. grownup people(as dumi said), elderly people (as dumi said). etc...

Nouns phrases :
Young --> Dynamic young people, energetic younger generation. Present generation people/children
Arun0506   
Apr 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people commiting serious crimes should be punished as adults [9]

Firstly, there is an adverse difference between the young and the older.

Adverse means in opposite direction. I am not sure how this word fits here

some people claim that the young under 18 years old breaking laws by dangerous acts should be charged as the same way for adults.

In question it was mentioned as young people without age limit defined. Please don't deviate from the topic or narrow down the scope of your essay

young people in the same commits with the older.

--> Same commit in the sense ? good or bad ?

Your third paragraph has some good ideas but need better organization of sentences and pay attention to grammar.
Good Luck for your writing !!!
Arun0506   
Mar 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children to learn about money via parents - educate about the significance of money [10]

Thanks Ammus1.

Hi Pahan, Thanks a lot for the explanation you have provided.

You write very well and that's why others are slow in hopping into your thread to give feedbacks :)

I am feeling happy to see this comment from you, but I am asking myself, Did I really deserved to accept this comment :-)

Kindly don't leave me saying like this. I need your priceless help for forever .
Arun0506   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children to learn about money via parents - educate about the significance of money [10]

Some people say it is important for parents to teach their children about the importance of money, why and how should they do it. Include examples from your own experience.

educate children about the significance of money



Beyond doubt, in this competitive world, money is the essential factor to lead a comfortable lifestyle. Similarly, it is highly important to educate children about the significance of money for their future endurance. Some people advocate that it is the sole responsibility of the parents to provide adequate knowledge about money to their offspring. In my opinion, I too believe that the parents are the best suitable person to guide their children in a better way to learn about money management.

First of all, certainly, everybody wants to provide a better life to their children, despite their struggles and financial status of their own individual life. In such scenario, parents hold the responsibility of not only earns and save money for their children, but also to help them to understand the same strategy to exercise on their own. Because of various reasons children should be made aware of money management effectively. For example, in this competitive world, there are numerous opportunities available to earn money. However, lack of clear perspective to save and utilize that earning will ultimately end-up in poor financial situation, which may also lead to acquire debts as well.

Nowadays, there are various options available to encourage young minds to use money efficiently. First, given them the pocket money regularly and ask them to save it a piggy bank. Secondly, allow them to spend those savings, in order to meet their basic requirements such as toys and stationery items. Therefore, it is easy for them to distinguish the difference between their needs and wants. Finally, help children to be aware of maintaining their own bank accounts which is in common these days. For instance, POSB bank in Singapore introduced Kids savings account where there is no minimum balance to maintain and good interest rate for their savings in order to encourage children to learn about money handling capability.

In conclusion, I strongly support with the view that the parents should take lead on the offspring to teach them about the significance of money in their life and various ways to manipulate the same in a fruitful manner.
Arun0506   
Mar 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Most significant invention of the last 30years - Internet [6]

Internet helps human to do the human job and decreases physical activities because many human jobs are changed by internet.

---> This statement leaves me in the state of assumption. I can understand that Internet helps us to complete our work easily which normally demands for increased physical activity. Something wrong with this sentence. Please avoid repetitive words instead try to use synonyms.

internet is able to stop criminal action like stopping drugs distribution

--.I dont think internet is really helping to arrest such illegal activities rather it becomes another means of communication to strength illegal network

Overall, All of people in the world know that everything has negative and positive effects, so does internet. the most important thing is we can divide between negative and positive effects and take positive side and avoid negative side.

In conclusion, I would strongly support the view that the internet is the most significant innovation which has been influencing various aspects of human life to large extent. Though internet has provided huge range of benefits, we cannot overlook the drawbacks associated with them. However, on balance advantages far outweigh the disadvantages, people should be able to distinguish its pros and cons for the better usage.
Arun0506   
Mar 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Celebrities benefits obtained through their popularity largely outweigh the issues tackled by them [3]

Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Journey of life is a package of challenges where people may experience both positive and negative outcomes. In this context, celebrities are not at all exceptional. Some people argue that being a celebrity always brings benefits, whereas, others think that popularity more likely to be a source of problems. However, in my personal opinion, celebrity people are often experiencing favourable condition in every aspect of their life rather than being surrounded by issues.

People who argue that famous people like film stars and sport stars are the happiest of all claims that popular stars are the highly paid people, though their social contribution seems to be much lesser as compare to professionals servicing in the field of medicine and education. In addition, such celebrities are always considered as most respectful person in the society, irrespective of their personal attitude and behaviour. In India, for example cricket players are often caught in media their fraud activities like match fixing but still leading the same degree of popularity and an extravagant lifestyle than others.

Nevertheless, being a human there are various things which made famous personalities to face pressurized situations in front of public. First of all there is no room for privacy for them to spent time in public area since media people always performing micro monitoring on them. Second, in order to safe their image, they have to take extra care on their words in a public forum. For instance, there are various scenarios where celebrity's controversial statements made them to regret in public media.

In conclusion, though there are certain factors not in favour of celebrities, the benefits obtained through their popularity, is largely outweigh the issues tackled by them. Hence, I firmly support the view that famous personalities in the society, experiencing more positive outcomes than otherwise.
Arun0506   
Mar 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Reasons for studying history and the effect of not studying history [3]

Hi Crystal,

History is an integral part of the curriculum in primary and secondary schools. Some people argue that there is no benefit to study the history that can be replaced by the subjects more relevantsubjects which is more relevant to life. However, it is not a logical opinion for many reasons.

It is always better to state your prompt or opinion in the introduction.

, involving events that occurred in the past,

--> what does involving means here? " Although, learning historical events are not highly beneficial in various aspects of today's so-called modern society, history teaches people to know about the best practices followed by our ancestors in terms of disciplined lifeystyle, impressive strategies and advancement in science "

Furthermore, studying history contributes to a sense of belongings, which reminds people that which country they belong to.

'Furthermore, history helps people to acquire knowledge on their own culture, which also provides excellent opportunity to aware of their unique identity "
Arun0506   
Mar 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]

Hi Dumi / Uzboy / Bwosti,
Thanks for your comments. I too noticed that once I posted my essay and I have already accepted my fault in reply to Saqib's comment :-)

Thanks for your comment. I too realize that I have written the essay emphasizing female education alone. Instead, it would be better if I have written some points in favour of male students as well which is really supporting my prompt.
" On the other hand, male students are largely interested in learning catering technology and home science.
Thanks again for your comment

content does not appear to be coherent

--> Could you please cite some example in my essay that where I am losing coherency. So that I can rectify the same in my future writing. Thanks a lot for your Genuine comments.
Arun0506   
Mar 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]

In my opinion I think that you have given too much information about females, this makes it seem as if you are contradicting yourself. I would suggest that you change the writing to favor your point of view

Thanks for your comment. I too realize that I have written the essay emphasizing female education alone. Instead, it would be better if I have written some points in favour of male students as well which is really supporting my prompt.

" On the other hand, males students are largely interested in learning catering technology and home science.
Thanks again for your comment

Well, before this , you need to introduce the background of the issue... hey, have you forgotten it? :D

Sorry Dumi. I havent forget your structure :-). On seeing this question somehow I thought my introduction well enough.
Hereafter I will make your intro structure as a golden rules :-)
Here is my updated introduction
1. Hook : In today's context, education is the most significant factor which ultimately determines one's future.
2. Background : However, in some countries, students face unfair restriction in acquiring such incredible source of knowledge and wisdow with respect to their gender.
3. Thesis statement: In my personal opinion, I am totally agreed with the view that there should not be any room for partiality in terms of gender while allocating seats for students in every university courses.

Kindly gothrough the rest of my essay and let me know your comments . Thanks Dumi once again.
Arun0506   
Mar 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extend do you agree or disagree.

In today's context, education is the most significant factor which ultimately determines one's future. In my personal opinion, I am totally agreed with the view that there should not be any room for partiality in terms of gender while allocating seats for students in every university courses. There appear to be various reasons often strike in my mind in support of this position.

To begin with, judging student's skills and abilities should only be based on their academic qualifications and talents rather than gender in particular. Nowadays, both male and female students are equally competitive to each other and deserve to produce impressive results in various field of education. In India, for example, female students are more often likely to grab more number of top scorer positions in every year higher secondary school examinations.

Furthermore, female students are highly interested in learning courses such as mechanical engineering which demands physical activities in their lab workshops, unlike previous generation females. In addition, due to increasing exposure on current affairs and knowledge on cutting-edge technological developments, female graduates are more willing to take huge responsibilities in their workplace, despite its intensive stress and pressure. For example, Chanda Kochhar, who is the CEO of India's second largest bank called ICICI bank and prominently awarded as the country's most powerful female head in business sector.

In conclusion, I am firmly supporting the view, that every student either male or female should be given fairly equal opportunity to purse their education in all university subjects, provided they should meet the required qualifications rather than putting limitations based on their gender. Government should take interim measures, to regulate admission process for university courses which enables every student to get benefit.
Arun0506   
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

eddies:
we need the prompt
What do you mean? Sorry, I can`t understand this.

Prompt in the sense your opinion about the argument like whether you support the view given in the question or oppose them. Moveover, this has to be written in your introduction itself.

So that you can give an idea to the reader about what you are going to talk.

Hope you will understand this. Thanks.
Arun0506   
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS;Popular events are essential in easing international tension [3]

. In such a scenario sporting events such as, Olympics , makesmake them able enough to forget all

In the midst of these scenarios, sporting events such as Olympic make them to being away from tension to some extent.
Please try to avoid repetitive words. Use synonyms.

hoping for the win of their country

hoping for their country's victory
Arun0506   
Mar 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Letter to your friend - 'we all can have some lunch together' [2]

Kindly help me with your corrections and suggestions.

One of your friends invited you for a meal with his/her family in their home. Write a letter to your friend and say:
- Thank them and tell what you have enjoyed the most.
- How do you feel about this visit?
- Suggest some arrangements to invite them to your home

Dear Tom,
Hope his finds you and your family doing well. Thanks for inviting us to the dinner party at your home last Sunday. I must have tell you about how much we all enjoyed by being at your home. It was really an excellent arrangement you have done and the evening atmosphere was awesome.

Convey my special thanks to your wife who prepared delicious dishes for dinner. We all loved to eat the food which was having real traditional south Indian chettinad taste. My son Akshath was happiest of all, as he enjoyed your son's good company to play with him. It seems they may become good friends in future, who knows? In addition, this gathering had given a wonderful opportunity to recollect our past memories of our college days once again.

I would like you and your family to have a visit at our newly constructed house. Why don't you come around this weekend and we all can have some lunch together. We would all love to see you all again in our place again. So, give me a call and let us know when I can expect you all.

Warm regards,
Arun
Arun0506   
Mar 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : increasing the number of sport facilities in order to improve public health [5]

Hi Movonight,
I hope the following information will be helpful for your future writing.

Lately, obesity has became a major part in politic and a big issue in the scientist area

---> Please don't narrow down your topic by stating one particular issue or item in your introduction.

Follow Dumi's strategy to frame your introduction as well as rest the essay. Good Luck!!!
Arun0506   
Mar 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Problems that overpopulation causes and suggest solution. [5]

Hi SHanafi,

Describe some of the problems that overpopulation causes

First of all, it seems like you went out of topic in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs where you were discussing about " Causes of over-population" instead of " Problems caused by over-population"

Furthermore, to tackle this problem several solutions might be stood

--> I dont think Furthermore is an appropriate linking word to start discussing about solutions to control over population which is a contrary discussion against the problems caused by over-population.

I would suggest you to read the question carefully and paraphase them in your introduction as suggested by Dumi.

Good Luck!!!
Arun0506   
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : "Mother is the dead heart of the family" - Fatherhood vs Motherhood [7]

Hi SHanafi,

Therefore, a family with working mother may need support from father also in order to caring their child a working mother may over exhaust after several job duties

This sentence is lacking in cohesiveness. There appears to be more breaks in sentence formation. Try to frame complex sentence structure to ease the reader.

I remember that I pointed out this point that " Try to present your idea in simple manner " Because I feel it is hard to understand your ideas. As a reader I often left in a state of assumption.

Please don't get discourage on my comments. I am trying to help you out of your difficulty you are facing.

Try to follow the suggestions given by Dumi regarding Essay structures and the components to include in your introduction.

Regards,
Arun
Arun0506   
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Nowadays the way many people intearact with each other has changed [9]

Hi,

Technology has been improving for ages and this development has been affecting people significantly especially relationships people have

Rapid development in technologies has been significantly influencing people's life in various aspects, in particular, the way people make relationships with others .

Try to use phrasal Nouns like significantly influencing

Through technology, relationships of people were accelerated, facilitated and it became more entertaining. In addition to these positive effects also there are negative aspects.

After your hook statement you need tell about the background of your topic and then state your opinion.

Good Luck !!!
Arun0506   
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / People who do not prefer change are pessimistic and who like changes- optimistic [6]

Hi Rachana,

The statement above is controversial.

---> I feel this sentence is not appropriate to start.

Strictly divide your essay into 4 paragraphs as suggested by Pahan.

Nevertheless, many people do need change. They have no boundaries, no limitation. They accept and welcome changes.

Try to frame your sentences in complex statement structure something like " However, there are people those who are eagerly willing to face new challenges and there is no limitation in their widespread boundary."

For example, these days most of the leading companies encourage their employees to rotate jobs.

I dont think companies are encouraging the job rotation these days May be you can say like this

Nowadays, people hate monotonous job, for example software professionals seem to change their jobs every two years on an average, in order to increase their financial status and also to explore their knowledge in various latest technologies

People who do not prefer change falls into pessimistic people while who prefer change are optimistic people. Pessimistic people are static in nature.

Try to avoid repetitive words and get know how to use synonyms.

I hope this information will be helpful for your writings. Good Luck !!!

Regards,
Arun
Arun0506   
Mar 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - Argument - "Is country music more important than the International Music" [5]

Hi Srkrishnan,
In my personal view you have good range of vocabulary and many point with supporting examples, however you should follow the essay structure prescribed by Dumi and Pahan above. This is will help you to organize your ideas in a coherent manner. Good Luck for your writings !!!

yester years.

yesteryear This is a single word like yesterday

Regards,
Arun
Arun0506   
Feb 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. --ielts [8]

Nowadays, as the modern civilization takes place, a model of supplying directly from the farm to supermarkets in the cities has formed. To my view, despite the benefits it offers to people, it is still largely a negative development.

Good that you state your opinion however, your introduction need additional point to state the background of your topic such as
" Nowadays, as a result of modern civilization, food products are supplied to distant places in order to enhance business among global customers and to fulfill the expectation of consumers. There appears to be wide-range of advantages as well as disadvantages associated with this trend. In my personal view, it seems disadvantages are far outweigh the benefits. "

i'm a bit confused here. i thought it would be better answering the question if both sides are mentioned. when should we write about both sides and when should we only consider one side then?

As per my knowledge here you can discuss both advantage and disadvantage and state your prompt with supporting example to your position"
Dumi and Pahan correct me If I am wrong
Arun0506   
Feb 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [10]

Credit card is such a save way to pay

Credit card is such a safe / secure way to make payment.

People often forget about their ability to pay because unconsciously they shops with unlimited service which credit card gives. Those problems raise debt and also financial difficulty in the back.

More often people failure to be conscious to their financial status while using credit cards which will later led them to be in deep trouble during repayment of credit card bills.

As the enormous effect all of economical process suffering.

As a result of / Due to which people end up in huge financial crunch

Dumi has given some good advice which will really works for everyone here.

In addition to that, try to use noun phrase to make your sentence more interesting which is what examiners are looking for
eg : Deep Trouble instead of saying simply trouble
Highly beneficial, Huge debt, To large extent. Unexpected emergency situations etc ..

You have a good range of vocabulary, just align them into simply sentences appropriately.
Hope my advice may be helpful. Good Luck!!!
Arun0506   
Feb 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: Dress reflects Chracter [10]

"Don't judge the book by its cover"

As Pahan told this is a nice hook.
But I couldnt understand your position clearly while reading. Please try to express your position clearly and promptly.

Indeed, behaviour is not merely about how their walking, talking, or thinking

Indeed, individual's behaviour is not only define based on how they walk and talk, but also contribute by their way of dressing to large extent.

deeply need assessment

need thorough assessment
Arun0506   
Feb 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Limit absurd contents from children viewing - filtering the Internet access at home as a solution [9]

Although the use of the web has numerous benefits, it is undeniable that it also brings negative impacts on our society.

Although there are numerous benefits associated with the internet, we cannot overlook some of the concerns which it has given raise to in our society

I can see different drawbacks highlighted here rather talking about socialization again and again. Good luck!!

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