Letters / Email to my teacher for UBC references [6]

Hey Ethan, thanks for the clarification. I really needed to know that because of the tone that needed to be used for the letter. However, as I consider the fact that you are both Phil's friend and student, the letter should contain a little of both relationships in its tone. You see, before Phil is your friend, he is first , your teacher. Therefore, the tone of the letter needed to be balanced between a formal tone of approaching a mentor and approaching a close friend. The balance of which, is the letter that I developed for you :-)

Like I said in my previous response. the letter I wrote is an example of how you can approach writing it. Consider the facts that you have to present and keep in mind that this time, you are not asking for a friendly favor from a friend. You are approaching him now from the position of a student, asking his teacher to help him. So accord him, the relationship necessary for the fulfillment of your need, and the proper approach towards this. You can't be too friendly in the letter because he is a teacher at this point and he is supposed to be talking about you from an academic, not friendly point of view. So start the letter in the tone that is applicable and respectful of the situation :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - School Should Provide Formal Training For Students To Be Good Parents [4]

Muhammad, in this essay, I am not sure if you are using the right example. I seem to recall this same prompt being used as a practice test previously but the people involved were teenagers and not children. Are you sure you took down the prompt correctly? Somehow I feel like you missed something in the interpretation of the prompt.

You have a problem sentence in your opening statement. There is an incomplete subject presentation or line of reasoning in the sentence that indicates:

I also concur that such particular course is not significant and would not be useful because children will grow naturally and they will find their own to be qualified parents.

What exactly do you mean? The children will find their own what in order to become qualified parents? When the thought process is not complete, the paragraph does not make any sense to the reader. I suggest that you revise that line and complete what it was that you were trying to say. It is important that you do so for the proper grading of your essay. Your high grade all depends upon how well you can make the examiner believe that you understood and responded to the prompt in the proper manner.

Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Suwi, the essay would have been acceptable had you delivered on all of the requirements of the prompt. The introduction was incomplete and not acceptable because you did not specify which side of the issue you agreed with. While you did professionally present both sides of the issue, your opening statement was not only weakened, but also left in error because you did not present your support for a particular point of view. That was a prompt requirement that should have been presented at the end of the opening statement.

Now, as for the rest of the essay, you spent so much time discussing the two points of view that, as Wahyutri said, the content became redundant. One simple example and discussion for each side would have been sufficient. The reason this happened was because you neglected to review the prompt and thus, learn that you should have saved one paragraph or so for the discussion of your opinion on the matter. As such, this essay would have suffered greatly in the final scoring process had this been an actual test.

Writing Feedback / The cause of increasing violent crime among youth generation [2]

Desy, you have argued this prompt in a highly informative manner. Your approach to the discussion is by far, the best discussion that I have seen regarding this topic in a very long time at this forum. You have taken into account the fact that the essay may be open to discussing other factors that could contribute to the problem presented and that, truly helped propel the grade of this essay to something way above average.

You were able to explain yourself clearly using moderately advanced vocabulary, which translated into a heightened use of sentence devices. These factors helped your essay, considering its grammar problems, become a well written essay just the same. There is no mistaking the fact that you not only understood the prompt, but you were also able to express yourself in an acceptable manner.

The only problem I found with your essay has to do with the conclusion. It is really an almost negligible error that did not affect the wrap up of the essay at all. However, for reasons based on technicalities, you should have included the teachers in the statement referring to the responsibility of the parents. Keep in mind that the keywords used in the prompt should be found in the essay response. Most specially in the introduction and the conclusion of the statement.

Undergraduate / (the field of dietetics) Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. [2]

Lai, you need to imagine more definite responses to the prompt questions. Specificity is important when you respond to these sort of questions as all of these queries are meant to indicate the kind of familiarity that you have with the university, its course offerings, and the university community. Right now, your responses are alright, but can use improvement.

When you discuss the reasons why you chose to attend the university, don't use such general descriptions. Talk about the academic aspect in such a way that shows how familiar you are with the courses offered in relation to your major. Talk about some diet advancements that have been developed at the university and you have read in publications. Let them know that the reason you chose to study there is because that is the university that you feel best suits your academic needs, based upon what you know of their work.

Socially, don't just say you are willing to work with any of the organizations, clubs, or volunteer programs. Be specific. what your talents? What are your hobbies? Maybe you want to join the varsity squad? Talk about how your skills and talents can be beneficial to not only you, but the school as well.

Now, when you talk about the research facility, be a little creative and talk about some ideas you have for your future thesis development. Then explain why you think the university will be able to help you develop the best research paper that you can muster. The idea, is to let the reviewer know that you actually have a solid plan for using the facility. Not just that you know there is a facility you can use. Maybe you would like to be an intern or a volunteer at the lab or something. Whatever the reason, they will appreciate knowing about it.

Be as complete as you can with your information. This is the kind of essay prompt that will allow you to do that, so don't waste the opportunity to let yourself shine in your application.

Letters / Email to my teacher for UBC references [6]

Hi Ethan, I am just wondering how close you are to Phil. Was he some sort of teacher to you? Why do you address him so informally? Is he a personal friend of yours? I am just interested to find out about these things because your relationship with him will set the tone for the request for a recommendation letter. If he is your teacher, then the tone should be more formal. Right now, I will edit the letter in its casual form. I hope that the casual tone will not be a problem for you :-)

Hi Phil,

Ethan here. I know, I've practically turned into a stranger since its been a very long time since we last spoke. Don't worry, I don't plan on becoming a stranger again anytime soon. How are you doing? I heard your life is going great. I am doing great as well. Just so you know, I'll never forget how much you helped me improve my English skills. I am finally getting decent grades in that class !

Anyway, I am writing to you because I have a big favor to ask of you. I'm graduating this year and I plan to apply at UBC for the regular term. So, they are asking me for a letter of recommendation and the first person that I thought of was you. I could not think of anyone else who has had as much impact on my academic life more than you. You have helped me become a better student and I know that you can accurately explain my strengths to the reviewer.

I hope you won't mind doing me this one favor? Don't worry if you can't do it. It won't change anything between us.

Best Regards,

Ethan Chen

You have two choices at this point. Use this letter if you think it can be of help to you or, use it as a template for your revised letter. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can let me know if the tone of the letter is correct first.

Undergraduate / "When you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me". Transfer Essay [4]

Hi Alex :-) It is really good that you were able to find some real world help at your school to help you with developing your essay. You were given sound and very good advice that you should definitely follow. the writing tutor is there to help you develop the best essay that you can. So don't think twice about using the advice you are given at the writing laboratory.

Now, while you have given me the instructions that you were asked to follow, I cannot really visualize what is supposed to happen to your essay content wise because I have not read the revisions that you were advised to implement. I would appreciate it a lot if you can post the revised essay here when you are done with it so that I can review it and maybe, just maybe, add some useful advice to the instructions you have already been given. That is, if you would still like to work with me here considering that you already have a writing tutor at your school :-) I am always available to help you out.

Graduate / Trying to find the right tone for MPA essay on disability. [4]

AS, we will always see your thread when you respond to it. Don't worry, you will always find help here when you need it. We won't stop helping you until you tell us that you have succeeded already :-) Now, for my comments regarding the content of this revised essay. No worries, the essay is has further improved but needs only a slight editing from what I can read.

Overall, the essay remains informative and very enlightening. However, you were being asked to discuss all of your accomplishments, yet you failed to fully develop the response to one of your accomplishments. I am referring to the line where you state:

I graduated with a drastically improved GPA and won my university's most prestigious award.

These two references should not simply be combined into one sentence in the essay. You need to offer a paragraph to explaining how, despite your immobility, you were able to improve your GPA. Continue the explanation to shed light on the university award that you received upon graduation. What is the name of the award? Why is it important to you? What does the award signify for you?

Try to add that paragraph to the essay and don't worry about the word count. I know it will go overboard. However, I would rather that you have an over the limit essay than one that lacks information. We can always edit the content. I will personally help you edit the essay down to the required word count when we reach the finalizing stage.

Undergraduate / U Mich Supplement:LSA Computer science and biology [4]

As of now, the essay makes sense in the long form. That means that you can still remove some words in the paragraphs if you take the time to rephrase the content. You told me that you will be switching some of the content in the essay around in the paragraphs. So I would like to have a look at your edited essay once you do that. Just so we can be sure that the clarity of the essay and the information you are providing remained on track through the editing process.

Basically, once you remove the filler portion and revise the content of the essay, I do believe that you will be able to place it into the final form already. All of the currently remaining information relate to the prompt and do not seem to need to be replaced or edited in terms of applicability. I would not advise you to change or add anything at this point because the content of the essay already makes it a good paper to submit. However, if you wish to do that, I'll help you make it flow better with the paper if you wish :-)

Undergraduate / "When you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me". Transfer Essay [4]

Hi Alex, I was wondering you are trying to answer a common app prompt with this essay? If so, can you tell me what the prompt is? I am not sure about how to advise you regarding editing the content and whether it is as prompt responsive as it should be because I do not know what it is I am supposed to help you do.

As it is, the only problems that I can point out to you have to do with the paragraph formatting. It is too tight on the page and needs to be spaced out. The topics for discussion also need to be given its own paragraph in order to allow the reader to process the information you are providing. While the essay does not seem redundant at this point, I sense that there are portions we can either cut down on content or delete in full. It will all depend upon what it is that you are trying to explain in the essay. I'll wait for the prompt requirement from you.

Writing Feedback / A lot of cultures worldwide obligate married women to stay at home to look after the children [3]

You have written a pretty solid discussion of the prompt you were provided with. Save for some grammar issues, the way that you developed the essay will be sure to garner you the highest possible marks for this type of essay. It will definitely score better than just passing. Now, that said, I should get to correcting your grammar errors for your future reference.

Woman WOMEN has HAVE always been portrayed in almost every culture worldwide as a warm and loving individualS whose most ... As such, a lot NUMBER of cultures worldwide obligate OBLIGE married women ...

... . where THE COST OF living costhave HAS skyrocketed in the last decade....
- Aside from the discussion as to how two salaries in a family can benefit a child, why not also discuss the way that two incomes helps secure the family's financial future in case of emergencies or household needs?

... means under-utilizing these women's creativity and intelligence. Some argued that ... to raise RAISING their children well. but I believe ... can haveA greater impact on the society. Marie Curie, Helen Keller, and Margaret Thatcher are just a few examples of women who had given a great impact on the world through their brilliant minds AND STILL MANAGED TO RAISE A FAMILY AT THE SAME TIME.

... the children's psychology PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS may not be well developed. They also argue that children that do not find full time accompany from their mothers may be felt abundant, and be saperated from the family, because they are not in close contact with both of their parents when growing up. THEY ALSO ARGUE THAT CHILDREN WHO DO NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH THEIR MOTHERS FEEL ABANDONED AND SEPARATED FROM THEIR FAMILY WHILE GROWING UP.

... give up their jobs means under-utilizing these women's creativity and intelligence.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that advertising enhances the sales of a product that are unnecessarily needed. [2]

Reem, there are number of problems with your essay that have mostly to do with the way that you decided to discuss the topic. For starters, you opening paragraph is not only too short, but it does not do a very good job of restating the prompt, the requirements of the essay, and what your opinion or extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement is. The opening paragraph should lay the foundation for the logical discussion to follow in the essay. This current opening statement does not manage to accomplish that task.

While you present some pretty valid, common sense, and pop culture reference information in support of your personal opinion, the fact that you did not accurately develop the paragraphs in terms of clarifying your points proved to be a weak point in this essay. Always remember that it is best to discuss one opinion per paragraph rather than presenting two lines of reasoning wherein one line is fully developed in the discussion and the other opinion ends up becoming a mere footnote in the paragraph. Either you develop a long paragraph that deals with two lines of reason, or you write two separate paragraphs that will allow you to completely discuss each point. I suggest that you take one paragraph per point for discussion. That gives you the opportunity to show off your writing chops to the examiner in the best way possible.

Your second to the last paragraph is too short and cannot be considered as a part of the essay in any way. If you present something like that in the actual test, you will lose points for under developed paragraphs and incomplete thought process presentation, both of which are considered highly negative and will have an impact on your final score.

As for the conclusion, you should know that you cannot present your personal opinion as a part of the conclusion. Your personal opinion should be a fully developed paragraph of its own. The conclusion, should only summarize the discussion in the best way possible. That means it should wrap up the discussion in a manner that shows how well you are able to express yourself in English.

Graduate / Motivational letter for graduate studies in social policy [3]

Palma, there is room for improvement in the overall message of your essay. First up, you need to clarify the purpose for your higher study. What is the motivation behind this interest? Remember, you have to present:

1. The motivation
2. The purpose
3. The possible end result of your interest.

Added to the motivation, should be your desire to further study or advance the program of your interest. Depict the kind of advancement you wish to pursue or present by the end of your studies. As a scholarship student, your best bet at winning this scholarship will be to present a very intricate or interesting advanced studies or research goal that you plan to pursue at the university.

You already explain why you have opted for this specific university so all you have to do is make sure that your academic interests will clearly merge or be supported by your choice of program and university. You do not present any clear points regarding that in your current essay. That makes this essay in particular hard to understand. Mostly because of its lack of direction / purpose / clarified motivation. You may then close the essay by explaining how this scholarship in particular will be able to help you achieve your goals in a way that other scholarships cannot. Tell the reader why you think this particular scholarship is set apart from the others in relation to your academic pursuits.

Writing Feedback / I believe that the knowledge that I have acquired from my experiences is more important - TOEFL [4]

sSo, we are not looking at any problem in logical thinking, reasoning, or sentence development. What we do have a problem with, is your ability to create more complex sentences using a more varied vocabulary. I hope you are trying your best to increase your vocabulary usage somehow. Your writing continues to improve but I would like to see a more improved vocabulary and sentence device somehow. Keep up the good work though :-)

... they have opened my eyes on TO many facts and THAT have shaped my way of thinking AND OPINIONS. However, despite of the undeniable benefits of books,... my experiences is ARE FAR more important because it THESE LESSONS AND EXPERIENCES enabled me to develop my skills and be more mature AS A PERSON.

... We generally have to experiencE TRY it and practice it ... I did not just read books that dealT with this topic... practised PRACTICED writing every day.

Additionally, with experience, we HELPS ONE become .... It teachES us how get ourselves from troubles PREVENT PROBLEMS. ...

... . This THE latter allows us to ... practise PRACTICE the different knowledge that we read about them in books.

Writing Feedback / Two Ways to Fill The Irrigation Channel-The Diagrams [2]

... two ways to fill the AN irrigation channel. At first glance, the SWING BASKET methods of filling THE irrigation channel dependS on the depth of the water source. However, the rope-bucket method is more effective than the method of swing basket. SEEMS TO BE THE MORE EFFECTIVE METHOD BECAUSE IT ALLOWS THE FARMER TO FETCH MORE WATER IN THE BUCKET.

... it can be applied in down hill SITUATIONS WHERE in which the depth of THE water source ... consist of A bucket, ... The process to OF filINGl the irrigation channel is begun BEGINS with filling the water to bucket that is then pulled by AN ox. Helped by rollers and A pulley...

... applied in the ON A hill in which the depth of THE water source is about 1-2 meters. ... needs A basket made ... . The process oft This method is begun BEGINS with filling the water BASKET to the basket that is WHICH IS then swung by two men INto the irrigation channels.

Writing Feedback / Genetic modification is now being used to improve trees - TOEFL TPO21 [5]

Annie, since we don't have a copy of the script here, I'll just make grammar suggestions to your essay. I hope that will be alright with you. By the way, you can't keep using semicolons to separate your sentences. Use periods whenever possible because you need to create a minimum 3 sentences paragraph. Semi-colons don't allow you to do that.

... listening ASPECTS OF THE REPORT both discuss...create trees can make CREATES many benefits no matter in the REGARDLESS OF harvest or in ITS natural environment; h . However, the listening OPINION disagrees and calls each of reading's points into a problem.

... the reading WANTS THE READER TO BELIEVE believes that genetically modified trees ...unmodified counterparts IN EXTREME CONDITIONS. ... condition doesn't mean they are THE TREE IS more likely to survive than unmodified plants TREES. ... new kinds of pestS, they THE TREES will be quickly ... designed too uniform to survive TO SURVIVE ONLY ONE FORM OF DISASTER.

...helping farmers bring ACHIEVE a number ... non-modified tress. TREES. ... need to pay THE SEED company every time they sow ... may not pay off by WHEN USING expensive modified seeds.

... from over-exploitation. ... modified trees may make CREATE more damage to nature NATURAL plants. ... because of losing LOST sunlight, water and nutrition.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - the happiness rate of American based on their marriage status [3]

You forgot to upload the chart picture so I just based the corrections on the previous poster's essays. Hopefully you and the others had the same chart to base your essay report on. So far, your work is complete in terms of information, but needs grammar work. You need to develop a more versatile and advanced vocabulary at this point.

... rate of AmericanS based on their ... generation AGES which is resulted from a survey BASED UPON A SURVEY. ... people who have ARE married are happier than unmarried citizens. It can also be seen that HAVING A CHILD HAS there is no significant effect of having children in ON THE HAPPINESS OF the family.

... half of THE total, ... . The remainING two age groups p... is given by THE bliss HAPPINESS level of unmarried ... which covers INCLUDES three age groups. ...

... , THE second graph ... . Interestingly, married couples who do not have generation CHILDREN show the ... do not affect their parents' A MARRIED COUPLE'S happiness.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 proportion of happiness pace for married and unmarried American-inhabitants [3]

... of THE proportion of happiness pace for married and unmarried American-inhabitants COUPLES ... children towards the blissfulness of married couples ... ... they have got ARE married. In this case, there is no significant difference between US-settlers AMERICANS who have children and those having nothing WHO DON'T HAVE CHILDREN toward the happiness issues.

.... A group of COUPLES ages between THE AGES OF 18 and 24 year-old comes to the first record at 45%, compared to as two folds as the pace of THE same group of age in unmarried people. ... NON-MARRIED citizens having not married are averagely AT under 30% ... is the first rate COME FIRST at 34% and the remaining group OF figures are coming COME JUST behind at just under 22% consecutively.

Looking at more detailS, family FAMILIES with children under THE AGE OF 18 year-old is ARE recorded as the happiest ... and THE family without children HAVE A DIFFERENCE OF only by 1%. Then WITH the couple with above-18-year-old children comes behind at 41%, ...

Letters / Is facebook a toxic addiction? Threats associated with the enormous usage of social networking sites [2]

Riaz, are you writing an op-ed piece for a newspaper? I mean, are you supposed to be writing a letter to the editor? A letter to the editor, or any writer of a particular publication should not take more than 5 paragraphs to write. Mostly because of the space that it requires when your letter is publishes, the shorter, but more informative your letter is, the better. That said, your letter can most certainly use a marked amount of revision.

Let's start with the opening statement. Keep in mind that the writer will have written other stories that would have already been published by the time that your letter will have reached and been read by the person. Therefore, it is up to you to remind the writer of the article that you are addressing in the letter. Whenever possible, mention the title of the article, the newspaper or magazine of publication, and the date of the publication. That will not only help to remind the writer of the situation you are addressing, but it will also remind the readers of the article and thus, help create a certain level of consciousness in the reader.

You should definitely do your best to edit letter, Try to shorten it by one or two paragraphs. You can do that by combining certain elements for discussion in a paragraph or just deleting the less important aspects of the discussion. After all, your letter is only effective if it delivers on the salient points of the report that you read. I suggest that you take the most important aspects of the following paragraphs for compression:

Furthermore, it disgusts me that you think that a website that connects families and friends from all over the world - no matter how far, or where they live- is nothing but "a pointless waste of time" ...

along with

Facebook itself has given us no valid reason to shut it down but its unstable users (who use it for bad purposes) do, so if anything it's these people that should be blamed and stopped once and for all not a website.

Saying more with less words is always the aim of an op-ed letter. Try to keep the interest of the reader by doing exactly that. A reporter does not have all day to read what it is you have to say. So just get your message across as soon as you can and present your supporting evidence in the same manner. Hopefully, what you have to say will make it to print because it became more interesting in the short version :-)

Writing Feedback / Media Broadcast Too Much of Popular People : Agree or Disagree [2]

Sri, your essay has a confusing opening statement, the thesis is hard to decipher, and the whole essay in itself is not as effective as it should be when addressing the prompt. The fact that you are mentioning "private channels" which I think could be better known as cable channels, means that you are not paying attention to the prompt. It is speaking in general terms of entertainment and not of specialized channels or private channels.

The whole premise of the essay is also very confusing as the news shows, be it on cable or private, does not do reports on mere regular residents. These shows relay news about current events, local and national politics, and sporting events. Some of which may or may not entail the participation of celebrities as you mentioned. So the terms for describing the viewers are wrong.

Here is a suggestion. This particular prompt has been written numerous times by previous test takers who have come to this forum for help. I strongly suggest that you read their versions of responses with regards to this prompt. Then you can go ahead and revise your response to become more applicable to the instructions being given. You should see the links to the related prompts somewhere near the bottom of this page. I assure you, reading those responses will teach you a lot and help you to improve your writing skills as well.

Undergraduate / As a leader, you need to work with your team and lead by example. Personal Profile [2]

Vincent, you are rehashing a response from a previous essay that was written for a different prompt. The evidence can be seen in the way that the process involved in the events is all mixed up and unrelated. In fact, you did not even change the portions that I wrote specifically for the previous essay. That is what made this a non-applicable response to this prompt.

If you are using this to apply at a different university, you have to consider writing about a new topic because you could get caught plagiarizing yourself. If it is for the same university, then you should know that admissions officers do not take kindly to students who cannot offer new responses for different prompts that their university provides either. Rehashed answers send the message that you are not taking your application seriously.

So I am going to give you a chance to either change the whole essay or explain to me why you should still be allowed to use the same answer for a different prompt. Either way, I feel that you will need to revise the whole statement in order to make it more prompt responsive and most of all, avoid plagiarizing yourself.

Writing Feedback / Career Center Website Exploration [3]

You have a problem with your response to the prompt:

Use any of the resources under "Find a Job or Internship" to tell me about a job or internship you might be interested in applying for.

You did not really look for a particular job or internship that you can apply for or be interested in applying for. The information that you gave only spoke of the amount of salary, and possible opportunities provided, plus your opinion of what you saw. The correct response would have been for you to pick one of the many jobs available that you found yourself interested in and then responding to the prompt with a discussion as to why you would be interested in pursuing such a career as an enrolled student.

Your responses to the other parts of the essay are alright. Although, I am wondering if you cannot expand upon the discussions in those aspects a little bit more. It just feels like you can still enlighten the reviewer about how you can use those various sections to your advantage. Are you limited to a word count per question? Or is there room for you to develop the response? If there is still room to adjust the content, let me know so that I can explain to you how you can better write the paragraph response :-)

Undergraduate / U Mich Supplement:LSA Computer science and biology [4]

Michael, first things first, your first paragraph is not really necessary. Using word fillers like that are the primary causes of students going over the word limitation. Sometimes, just by deleting those unnecessary lines, you can already manage to come in under the maximum word count. So there is your first clue, remove all the word fillers that are not necessary for the paragraph transitions.

Next, Deal with the discussion of your major at the start of the essay. That should not be at the bottom, almost as an afterthought because the main reason you are applying to get into this university is because of that college major that they offer. The other two minor concentrations should be placed at the middle and towards the end of the paper respectively. At the moment, your essay needs to be organized in order of topic discussion priority.

As you revise the format of the essay, try to consider the elements that you have included in your paragraphs. This is your chance to actually delete the parts which do not fit into the overall scheme of the essay. At this point I will refrain from telling you which parts I think these are as I want to see how you will revise the paper first. After you revise the paper, and if the paper still needs to be edited, then I will tell you which parts I am sure needs to be removed :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: an effect of possessing children and level of happiness [2]

Please do not use the term "Possess" when describing people who have children. Parents do not own children because they are not products that are bought at a store. People "have children" but do not "possess children". Aside from that, you did some pretty good and accurate reporting work. I have a comment about another line that you wrote within the essay though. Take note of it please :-)

The line BAR charts provide ... happiness levels between A married and unmarried...effect of possessing HAVING children. ... higher than single ones PEOPLE. I... between married coupleS who have or having no DON'T HAVE children is ARE almost THE same.

... The 18-29 age group is ARE the highest level in THE married range groups at 45%. ... have similar proportionS at 44% while the 50-64 aged group ... in THE married category at 40%.

Furthermore, unmarried people experience the happiness levels ...
- What level is that?

... by people who have ARE married and possess HAVE children under 18 ... at 43% . w Whereas 41% of all couples who only own children WHO HAVE 18 years old CHILDREN witness the ...

Undergraduate / Post Study Plan in Hospitality Industry - Les Roches Marbella [2]

Andrei, try to place an emphasis on your actual plans in the essay. it doesn't impress the reviewer to have you using general terms like "one of the five star hotels in China." It is always most impressive when you can mention an actual hotel and how you feel that the information you will gain can help you achieve your short term plans at the hotel. By the way, you need to have an actual career plan to present as well. Meaning, you know what it is you want to accomplish for the short term and how long you will probably need to accomplish that.

The same goes for your long term plans. It sounds like you plan to work somewhere in St. Petersburg? Is that right? If you can, mention where you want to work as part of your medium range plans. Explain how you can get the kind of experience there that will help to further enhance your theoretical knowledge gleaned from the university, both of which will help you to eventually start your own restaurant or hotel business after, say, 15 or 20 years?

The post study plan needs to align with your career plans because these are the plans that you have for your future which have led you to this point in your academic life. So make sure that all the important points are represented in it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: process of a wind turbine and its locations [2]

... that are categorised CATEGORIZED into ... It is noticable NOTICEABLE that a... three fibreglass FIBERGLASS or wooden blades,... and one STEEL high pole which supports the blade frame to stand. THE FRAME STAND.

... This motion will be detected BY THE COMPUTER afterwards so as to identify its speed and direction by THROUGH a sensor attached... This substantial part will send the information... will produce AN electricity with output OUTPUT OF up to 1.5 megawatts.

In addition, in IN order to gain optimal operations of electricity generator POWER GENERATION from THE wind, windmills could possibly be placed in three distinctive areas. THE F first place for this turbine is to shore it up under WITHIN THE SHORES OF the shallow sea water. This benefits the land to prevent it from disturbance PREVENTS LAND DISTURBANCE. ... enables it to expose CATCH maximum... next to a house that has a meaning to resize WILL REQUIRE THE RESIZING OF the windmill to a smaller one. This is normally called as a domestic turbine that AND IT is capable of creating electricity till OF UP TO 100 kilowatts.

Essays / I am struggling with my thesis statement. My chosen topic is about doping in sports [6]

Jane, you can't just decide on one thesis statement right from the onset of your research. You need to do research into the possible topics for discussion your research paper first. So you should list down at least 5 different thesis possibilities for your research. Then go the library or go online and look up the academic material available to you per thesis topic. Whichever thesis possibility has the most reference material available should be the one that you choose.

You should also consider consulting your professor regarding your possible thesis topics. It is always best to seek the approval of your class adviser with regards to your research because that person can also help you access materials that you need. Not only that, the adviser can also direct you towards the topic that can get you the best possible grade, if you deliver on all of the expected information and data in your paper.

Don't settle on developing just one topic for now. Give yourself room to choose. What other doping topics can you discuss aside from the one above? Look at the latest sports news, it will give you clues as to your other possible thesis statements. You won't lack for topics related to sports doping, that I can assure you of. It just becomes a question of how much research time can you dedicate to it.

Writing Feedback / I am inclined to oppose constructing a factory in my near community - TOEFL independent essay [2]

Nour, 300 is the maximum word count. You don't have to deliver exactly 300 words in every essay. Just make sure you are over the minimum word count but not over the maximum and your essay will be deemed more than acceptable. It will not add to your grade if you deliver the full 300 words but then lack in content and meaning in the overall essay. 150-250 words will be sufficient provided that you are talking sense and do not deviate from the prompt requirements. Saying more using less words will show a higher level of vocabulary and sentence device usage. So aim for impressing the reader with your English skills instead of the number words you used.

Your essay delivers on all points yet again. Grammar issues aside, you have actually discussed a very strong position on the topic and offered reasons that are easily identified by the reader as being true since it is based on real life. It would be great if your smooth flow of thought were supported by your grammar as well. I think you are getting to that though.

... despite people thinkING that buildingING a factory may provide jobs; there are dr... a factory in my near MY community ...

... water inTO them ..

... different places which WILL lead to growing the society, more roads and houses wil lNEED TO be built,...

To sum up, despite of the merits of building a factory in my city, they are outweighed by the disadvantages. A factory can create new jobs but it can also pollute the environment.

- Too short. You know the rules by now. The conclusion doesn't follow the format.

Writing Feedback / As it is commonly understood, people behave towards each other differently depending on situation. [3]

Mehdi. you did not discuss the essay in the proper manner. You have created a general opinion essay that indicates a public opinion of the topic presented. The prompt however, was asking you to discuss an extent of agreement or disagreement with the topic provided. There was nothing in your essay that reflected this particular opinion, nor why you have this opinion.

While your line of discussion is correct, the fact that you did not format the essay in the way that the prompt required you to made your whole premise and discussion invalid. So, in an actual test, you should not expect to get a passing score. As I keep telling the other test takers here, once you mess up the restated prompt, it is next to impossible to discuss the topic in the correct manner. Therefore, a mistaken prompt is equivalent to an automatic failure of the test. That is the case with this essay.

I suggest you review the prompt, deliver what it actually seeks in your response, and then repost it here for proper review of your opinion and grammar editing. I would have to help you fix up an essay that would not have passed the actual test.

Letters / Re-admission from suspension essay; circumstances, procedures (University of Houston) [6]

The most problematic part of your letter is the way that you are unable to create a fluid and understandable structure for the events that led to your academic suspension and how you have better prepared for it at this point. I am going to show you a sample of how you should develop this letter. If you want to, use this version for the early to late part of the letter, adding only the last pieces of information after the ellipses (...) at the end.

To Whom It May Concern;

I was placed on Academic Suspension in 2012 after my grades slipped to below the required 2.0 GPA. This was caused by certain elements in my life which I feel were out of my control. I am hoping to be able to appeal that decision and to be allowed to attend the upcoming semester with the help of this letter. As a first semester full time student who was being fully financially supported by my parents, their desire to help me with my tuition fees came with the price of being a full time student who helped out around the house. Being young and naive, I had the wrong belief as to my time management skills at the time, which resulted in my suspension.

My problems began when I decided to work full time as an unpaid intern while attending both University of Houston and Lone Star College, as well as keeping my home chores duties agreement with my parents. I worked full time because I felt that I needed the experience to help me get ahead technically while attending school and I attended Lone Star at the same time because the other classes that I needed to qualify as a full time student and continue the support of my parents were cheaper there. Admittedly, I had far too much on my plate. Yet, I believed I could pull it off without a hitch.

With very little time for actual homework, study, and project completion, my grades slipped fast. Even after I moved out of my parents house, I could not perform better academically because the promise of being a drafter at my unpaid internship enticed me to remain at work, along with attending both schools. Even with my supervisor being willing to work around my schedules, I had already reached the point of no return with my grades and the suspension was handed down before I had a chance to enact any changes in my academic life.

Seeing the suspension as an opportunity rather than a setback, I continued to study at Lone Star in order to improve my chances of readmission to UH. I enrolled in 2 classes a semester the next couple of years, increasing my class load in order to ensure that I would be better prepared to return to UH and also, to train myself for better time management. I am so much better at time management now that even after I married, my grades did not slip and my study skills have shown continuous improvement. I graduated with an above 3.0 GPA and received an Excellence in Engineering Design Award as well.

Now I am ready to go back to college full time. My husband and I have agreed that in order to achieve my dream, I will need to quit working and become a full time student. He understands my academic needs and is willing to help me accomplish it. We have prepared financially for this objective and do not see any reason why I cannot afford to attend school without working at this point. However, in order to avoid any potential setbacks, I plan to ease myself back into college the same way I did at Lone Star. Taking a class or two per semester until I reach a full course load.

Thus, I am reapplying to the University of Houston as a Mechanical Engineering Technology major. I was passionate about how stuff work and how to fix it if it was broken...

Letters / Re-admission from suspension essay; circumstances, procedures (University of Houston) [6]

Sandra, I find your readmission letter to be quite scattered at this point. You need to reconcile the reasons for your academic suspension based upon your failure to perform academically, with your problems at home, and then, present the fact that you got married at some point during your suspension. That way the reviewer will not suddenly be hit by the information of your being already married at the end of the essay.

You will need to explain why you were attending two colleges simultaneously in the letter. This is a unique situation that could have contributed greatly, more than the problems that you had with your parents, in your failure to keep up with your UH class requirements. You also need to develop a stronger background for your interest in Mechanical Engineering aside from the fact that it was recommended for a reason by your co-workers. I did not really see a keen interest nor a good background on your part, aside from your parents being engineers themselves, that would lead me, as the reviewer, to believe that I should give you a second chance to attend my university under this major.

You should try to shorten the part about the problem that you had with your parents because it just feels like it takes too much space in the letter. Try to summarize it in relation to the fact that you were attending Lone Star College at the same time. The essay just feels like it rambles on longer than it should because of your fact presentation. I believe that you should start over and use an outline to help you better sort out the topics you want to discuss and better connect your responses to the prompt. The lack of focus and a coherent discussion of the reasons and facts behind your suspension really affects the overall impact of the letter. Right now, it doesn't have much of an impact nor does it entice the reviewer to look at your case again for possible readmission.

Undergraduate / Psychology and sociology fields. How will studying in the American University in Cairo benefit me? [3]

Menna, reviewers do not give much weight to claims made in a personal statement that contains lines like "Ever since I was a little girl..." They do not believe that a child too young to understand what college is all about can have the ability to decide, even before she hits grammar school, has the ability to make such an important decision. They prefer more realistic claims that do not involve stories about your childhood wherein your mother instilled the love for the university in you. That doesn't make the kind of impression that you think it will make upon them. It is not an appreciated statement so you should think about revising that part of your essay.

There is nothing solid in your essay that the reviewer may consider to be a strong enough reason for you to be admitted to American University - Cairo at this point. The message of your essay is too generalized in content. Even as you speak of your major choice as being only properly offered at American University - Cairo, there is no justification on your part for these claims. What programs does the university offer that the others don't? What internship opportunities do you think you can benefit from? What sets Cairo university apart from the other universities which you feel will give you a bigger edge or benefit when compared to the others?

You also need to proof read your essay and correct your spelling errors. Make sure that all the proper nouns are capitalized, your paragraph spacing is correct, and your spelling has passed through spellcheck. Correct all of the mistakes that you may find. I will not be pointing those out to you because you still need to revise your essay content at this point. So the editing and revising can still be done from your end.

Writing Feedback / In contemporary society, obesity has become a modern epidemic [3]

Kay, your opening statement does not feel complete. It seems that you do not truly offer a complete overview of the topics that will be discussed within the essay. Keep in mind that the opening statement allows you to create a pattern for the discussion that the reader will be using as a guide when it comes to reading your essay. So you should present the general topics that you will be referring to and a shortlist of the preventive measures that you will be suggesting.

In answer to your question, the plural form of food is foods. So it will be proper for you to say foods in reference to the number of food consumed by a person. When you discuss this, make sure to mention figures that will support your claim that the popularity of fast food also resulted in an increase in the weight of a given population. Use a more proper transition sentence in that paragraph. Do not begin the discussion of the possible solutions to the problem in that paragraph. Transition it into the next paragraph.

The following lines can actually be developed into another solid supporting discussion for your preventive measures: A possible solution to this problem would be to promote healthy eating habits. Cooking programs that teach various recipes and introduce the benefits of a range of ingredients encourage people to choose healthy meals. Develop this discussion a bit further by offering examples and proof that these suggestions actually work.

The rest of the essay actually works in support of your discussion. However, your conclusion needs to be worked on. It is really short and does not properly summarize your discussion as you need it to be reflected in that paragraph. All you have to do in that paragraph is repeat the reasons that obesity occurs, the preventive measures that can be taken, and your opinion as to why it is imperative that these measures be implemented as soon as possible.

Writing Feedback / Should the development of alternative sources of energy be continued ? Support your view [3]

Hi David ! You have a well researched, developed, and discussed research paper. The only problems that I can see have to do with the sentence structure and grammar mistakes in the essay. So let me help you address those problems with the proper corrections below:

... of energy hasbeen CONTINUES TO BE a topic ...... some has HAVE argued that alternative energy sources,...

...because fossil fuels reserves are .... If oil THE reserve IS completely drainED up ... would be grinded to a total halt. The production of medical equipments , especially syringes, would also stopped because on of it's main material is oil ITS PRODUCTION LINE REQUIRES OIL TO RUN...

... Wind power supplied S 40% of electricity there,...on coal that is WAS previously the city's main ...

... Alternative sourceS of fuel, ...CO2 and CO gas to IN the environment, thus THESE can potentially ...

... . It is because it IT will make available substitutes for fossil fuels...international organisations ORGANIZATIONS would ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - A Sense of Competition Should be Encouraged to Children [2]

Muhamad, why did you only provide your introduction and your conclusion? How were you able to come up with the beginning and conclusion of your essay if you do not know what you will be discussing in the body? As in the case of this review, I cannot properly assess your discussion of the prompt because it lacks the middle part, which will help me understand if you are within the prompt requirements or not.

Your opening statement is acceptable at the moment. It makes sense and properly addresses a restated prompt. However, unless I read the rest of the body, I am not sure if the line of discussion that you implied will be one that you actually discuss in the rest of the essay. The same goes for the conclusion. It is hard to judge the actual content of your essay, neither can we accurately correct the grammar problems currently existing, unless you offer a completed essay discussion. Just like in any test, if you have missing parts, you can't expect to pass. In this case, you can't expect a proper review, advice, and corrections to the problems of your essay. So come back here with the completed essay and we will give you a completed review and corrections of the essay also.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The advantages of having own business outweigh the disadvantages [2]

Siti, you did some pretty good work on this essay. The vocabulary you used shows a higher level of understanding of the language. The fact that your paragraph discussions are also longer than before shows that you now have the confidence to use more sentence devices when it comes to expressing yourself. While the language can still be rough at times, the fact that you have a longer than usual essay, and you managed to make yourself understood throughout, means that this would also get a higher than average score if you had it reviewed using the scoring system for IELTS. Now for the corrections:

At the present time , some people believe ...any companies COMPANY HAS A lack of autonomy since...creates the job opportunities...

... or organisations has ORGANIZATIONS HAVE a fixed salary for several years according to his contract, ...complete their preliminary properties CAPITAL for producing their first products, like a textile business needs sorts of sewing equipment... consumers ' demands. When their products are becoming BECOME famous, ..., shows the reversE, their trade will fail... are not simple, it REQUIRES provides extra efforts.

..., making OWNING a business offers ...largest freedom to executing IMPLEMENT many innovations regarding to their own opinions to advance their productivity and it led THAT LEADS them to be the independent people. In addition, the buyers, especially in the culinary aspect, tend to find the attractive dishes which have unique color, shape, or taste. It allows the owner to put their creative thinking inTO these elements as an identity of their outputs, so it can guide much CATCH THE attention of people. ...When the financial FINANCES of a trade shows the A significant increase, ... workers to help him IN enlarging his business.

All in all, it is clear that being an entrepreneur is riskier than working in the companies since it has many obstacles, like hard efforts and uncertain income. However, it brings positive effects in a larger field such as offering a job for EMPLOYMENT TO others. Therefore, its benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Writing Feedback / 'build up close relation to others' - The Effect of Electronic Media on Personal Relationship [4]

Sri, your thesis statement and personal opinion have totally changed the discussion that the actual prompt wished you to address. you are talking about the way that technology can help enhance the relationship of people. However, the prompt is asking you to state a degree of agreement or disagreement on the opinion that " THE USE OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA HAS A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE. "

While the rest of your essay offers an opinion that is prompt responsive, the fact that you misstated the opinion and the prompt itself in the introduction will be the first and foremost consideration of the examiner. The opening statement shows that you have a problem with understanding the prompt requirements and you are unable to discuss the topic in the proper manner. you have an inability to restate the prompt for some reason, although the later discussion shows that you did understand the question.

So, the simple act of not properly restating the prompt in your thesis paragraph has severely affected the final score for this essay. It might get a passing score because of the discussion, but it will be held back by the prompt restatement problem because it changed the way the essay was supposed to handle the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - A discussion about Sense of Competition and Sense of Cooperation [2]

Mochtar, you are short by one paragraph / opinion in this essay. You presented a qualified introduction, then presented an acceptable opposing point of view from your own. those fall within the expected parameters of the format. However, you immediately went into a discussion of your opinion instead of presenting the general opinion that you support first. Your opinion should have only been used to strengthen the opinion that you support.

In this case, you are missing that paragraph. However, you might still have gotten a good score on this essay because your line of reasoning is acceptable. Although, your conclusion seems to be presenting some additional discussion that should have been considered a separate paragraph in support of your opinion rather than a conclusion. So there will be points deducted because of that in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 a wind turbine used to generate electricity [3]

Muhammad, if the first sentence in this essay is your opening statement that you have not followed the proper requirement for the introduction. The introduction should be at least 3 sentences long and indicates a summary of the report content, plus and additional important data, such as keywords, and the like, which need to be introduced early on to the reader. I do not believe that your essay follows that distinct requirement for an IELTS task 1 essay.

Undergraduate / I learned that any little things that I do can have such impact to people around me - UBC Personal [3]

Hi, Ethan, I edited the essay down to 199 words. I hope you can use this version instead or use it as a sample for your own revision. You just needed to combine events and learn to edit the unnecessary parts. Maybe this will work for you.

When I was 14 years old, I took baking classes since I had an interest in culinary arts. Little did I know that my interest in baking cakes and cookies would lead me to an eye opening and life altering experience. That was the summer when our baking instructor had us bake goodies for our visit to the local senior home.

One of the seniors really made an impression me because he had lived at the home for so long without a visitor. Grandpa Falcon told us that this was the happiest day of his life since his son died and he no longer had visitors. The other residents shared his sentiment , not having had visitors for some time as well.

I never knew such a small mission could lead to someone's happiest day. I learned that there is no such thing as a small act of kindness. It will always have a large impact on others. I decided that I would continue to visit the local elderly home. Every Saturday morning, Grandpa Falcon and his friends have me for a visitor, armed with my freshly bakes goodies, ready for a special day of Bingo and simple companionship.