Writing Feedback / Visiting a market - Writing, English learner - B1/B2 level [2]

Ediz, as much as possible, do not use exclamation points when you are writing a descriptive essay. It should flow calmly and be enjoyable to read. Specially when you are describing a Christmas event. Next, always aim to create a tight description of the location. Avoid redundancies at all costs because that shows a lack of writing skill. My correction to the way you indicated the place where the market is will show you an example of how to tighten the sentence and avoid repetitiveness as well.

Your vocabulary is simple and enjoyable at this point. I would not fault you for any errors that you made since you are an English learner after all. As to how you can better improve your vocabulary, try to read more English based comics, books, and news articles. Keep your notepad handy and always list down the words that you are unfamiliar with. Be sure to look it up in the dictionary in reference to the meaning.

Now for the corrections to your essay.

I have been in TO some very ... The best place I have ever been to is Dortmund Christmas Market. It can be found in the heart of the Hansa Square, in Dortmund (Germany) GERMANY. The market is over 100 years old. It AND opens every year ...

... 3,5 million visitors of 300 stalls SITUATED around a gigantic Christmas tree creation that stands 45 metres tall. When I was there, there were a lot of people that were buying a variety of Christmas gifts. ..

... a feast for the senses! . ... delicious regional specialities SPECIALTIES. ..

It was an experience I would WILL never forget. ...

Graduate / Application for Master of Design program - Illinois Institute of Technology [3]

Yan, this is an essay that is sure to either wow the reviewer due to your extensive professional experience, or bore him because you have turned this into a professional listing of everything you have done in your academic and professional life. Keep in mind, just because the maximum word count is 2000, that does not mean that you have to deliver that number. What you have to do, is present only your most important achievements both in your professional and academic life. If there is one thing that I did not see in this SOP that should have been here, it was a list of your awards or accolades. Did you not receive any during your academic or early professional career? What would you say sets you apart from the other applicants? I don't really get a sense of what makes you more special than the next applicant in this essay. You should definitely work on presenting that information in the statement.

The essay at this point is overly verbose and can use some paragraph shortening. Once you reduce the paragraphs to only the most important ones or the most important contents, you can present another missing factor in this essay, your career goals. I'll leave the choice of what to edit in the essay up to you. I could do it for you but you may not want me to do so.

The SOP normally requires you to explain what your immediate short term plans are after graduation and then a longer description of the long term goals. It will help if you can reference some possible programs that the university offers which will be able to help you achieve those goals. University reviewers are always looking for students who will be able to help place their university on the map, so if you can show them how you plan to use the university and its connections to network for yourself and the prestige of the university, you will have placed a spotlight on your future relationship with them.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Starting Own Business, Do The Merits Outweigh The Drawbacks? [2]

Sri, your excellent discussion is only marred by some grammar problems. You have the right idea and you know how to present it to the reader. The only problem, is that you sometimes have a problem choosing which English words to use in reference to what you want to say. Let me show you the correct words to use in the problem areas of the essay below. I will also show you the unnecessary sentences that tended to muddle the message of your written work. One small mistake on your part though, you presented a totally new line of discussion in your conclusion rather than simply using the summary points to close the essay. You have to avoid that in order to prevent points loss during the actual test. Also, take note of the redundant parts of your essay. Stop using 2 words that mean the same thing successively in a sentence. That is also a writing weakness that can affect your final score.

... fulfill their nerds NEEDS and pursuit PURSUE their dream. As per ACCORDING TO some individuals, it is better for humans to build their own company rather than applying WORKING FOR A in particular company. While I believe that this notion BELIEF has merits and drawbacks. I personally argue BELIEVE that this STARTING A COMPANY OR WORKING FOR ONESELF has more positive than negative effects.

... work competition is very tight in the modern BUSINESS ARENA are so that a new company can face bankruptcy if it does not has any innovative idea to IT CANNOT compete with others organizationS. As a result, the employers BUSINESS OWNER can fall into debt. In addition, there is no such guarantee about RELATING TO pensionS cost in such condition. While in some companies offer severance payment, this condition does not apply if people start their company WORK FOR THEMSELVES.

... create QUALITY standards of FOR their employees. Despite the fact that having a high position in a party AN OFFICE WILL ensure well payment A GOOD SALARY, that person IS still an employee who can be issued FIRED any time. ... they tend to have more leisure time as time goes by . Furthermore, they can follow their own passion and creating vocation CREATIVE IDEAS for A wider range of citizens CLIENTS. It is thus clear that laying STARTING a company brings immense benefits ...

... this option OFFERS MANY benefits greatly for many more people. Therefore, I strongly believe that beginning a business is a better choice. Where possible, people should bring more innovative ideas before starting particular party.

Writing Feedback / The impact of advances in technology on office workers productivity- TOEFL integrated essay [5]

I know that you were supposed to listen to an audio report. The problem with that is, as you said, we cannot access that kind of file in this forum. So it becomes a problem when advising students. The only way I can think of for you to get better feedback is if you can create some sort of list of important information from the audio file that you can also upload to the server. Just include the important points as you hear them. A written transcript of the audio file is the best option in this case.

Don't get me wrong though, the essay is good enough for your intent and purpose. It contains whatever salient information you heard while listening to the audio file. My critique was based on not having heard the audio file. My apologies for that. As you know, we have limited access to the files here. I believe we will eventually find a way to work around it though.

Your reporting was accurate enough and the grammar shows some advanced vocabulary. The sentence devices can use some work but overall, I believe you did a pretty good job on the essay.

Writing Feedback / Earth-exploration energy is a high acceptable solution. [2]

Ahmad, in your third paragraph, you accidentally combined the discussion of the point of view of Peter Diamandis with your own. It would strengthen your very well discussed and informative essay if you divided the discussion of his point of view from yours. That means, you should develop the point of view of Dimandis in full and then offer a new paragraph where you, in turn, discuss your own point of view.

Remember that your point of view must always be a separate discussion. Properly explain your point of view. You already claimed that the earth has alternative power sources readily available, so the logical discussion for your point of view would be explain why developing alternative sources of power and minerals on earth is the better option to space mining or space exploration. Explain how the economics of earth bound exploration will always be the cheaper alternative to space exploration. The foundation for this sound discussion exists in your essay. You just need to develop it further in order to create a more informative essay.

The score for this essay will definitely be a good one because of the discussion you presented. You clearly understood the prompt, offered valid discussions, and properly conclude the essay. All of which add up to good scoring points for you.

Undergraduate / To Learn and to Fix. UW-Seattle Transfer Personal Statement [3]

Felix, your essay is hard to review because we cannot refer to the list of prompt requirements as we read your essay. In order to make it easier to review and analyze your work, please revise the form for now. give us your answer per specific prompt. That way we can analyze it for content and prompt responsiveness in an easier manner. Don't worry, the essay will come together fluidly at the end, after we revise it.

So far, the narrative is confusing to read because of the lack of fluidity in writing the topics. The transition sentences are not effective or do not exist in some portions. If you list down the information per prompt, in an outline form if you will, I will be able to better assess which parts can be edited or deleted. I have a feeling that we can still shorten this essay and make it more interesting for the reviewer to read. My main concern is having you use a single type of writing style here. Either you are going to write in a descriptive or narrative manner, you cannot write in both manners in a single essay. Specially in an admissions essay. You should use a narrative form by default because this is supposed to be an academic, not creative paper.

Writing Feedback / By 2004, People preferred to buy more chicken than other meats. Fish and meat consumed - IELTS [4]

When writing an IELTS introduction, you are expected to provide an overview of the information that will be contained in the report. This is not a simple essay. This is supposed to be an accurate restatement of information provided to you. There is an expectation that the writer will first analyze the data in the illustration prior to presenting it to the reader. That said, the reader has some expectations as well.

Remember how in an ordinary essay you are supposed to restate the prompt, offer an overview of prompt related opinions, and then your point of view? That is known as the flow of discussion. In the IELTS essay, you are expected to deliver something similar to that. In this case, your introduction should include the title of the graph, an overview of the graph information (increase and decrease), and the final outcome of the chart / illustration. Those are the parts that comprise the introduction of an IELTS essay. Writing those bits of information always take at least 3 sentences, with a maximum of 5. Look at the other sample IELTS Writing Tasks in this forum, you will notice that all of them depict the same kind of introduction / summary overview.

Do you understand my explanation? Feel free to ask questions if you still have any.

Writing Feedback / Greatest learning outcome and impact of the experience [3]

Dian, you can bring down your word count if you combine the following lines to create a new paragraph:

If you delete the connecting sentences of the second paragraph, you will find that you are better able to represent the impact of the activity and the learning experience on your end. You are able to represent the leadership skills that you developed in a more hands on method as opposed to the theoretical representation you currently have. The combination of the paragraphs will also shorten the essay length which will in turn, lower your word count to at least the minimum requirement.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 More people suffering health problems are caused by a fast food consumption [2]

Muhammad, you need not have presented a discussion about exercise being necessary in the discussion. It is not being required by the prompt. As you know, you are only supposed to follow the prompt instructions in the essay discussion that you are given. The essay only asked for your agreement or disagreement of the opinion that government should impose higher tax on fast food because it poses a health hazard to the citizens. There was nothing in the discussion asking you to provide an alternate opinion , nor were you being asked for possible solutions to the problem of people eating fast food instead of healthy food.

Since you did not properly develop your essay response, the essay does not qualify as a proper discussion of the topic. Maybe you did not understand the prompt very well, or maybe you forgot to double check the prompt after you completed the essay. One of those two reasons resulted in you submitting the wrong prompt for assessment. I strongly advice that you review the prompt requirements, develop a more prompt adherent opinion, and then present a new essay that better aligns itself with the prompt expectations.

Writing Feedback / Females status actually transformed in various aspect of human being for 5 past decades. [2]

You are not being asked to discuss the two arguments. You are being asked to take a side and defend it. Either you believe that women's roles have changed over the past 50 years or you don't. that is the only stand you have to present and discuss in the essay. By the way, it is not a school science that is debating the issue but a school of Social Science, which is a total different and unrelated branch of Science as you depict in your essay. Use the correct term which is "Social Sciences". Social Sciences are a branch of science that study the human evolution as a society. That is what this topic falls under. It is not a scientific study of complex scientific fields such as Physics, Biology, and Chemistry.

Your whole discussion of the essay would have been more proper , regardless of the grammar flaws it current contains, if you had properly depicted your opinion in the opening statement. Do you agree or disagree? It seems from the way that you wrote, that you agree with the opinion presented. You should have said so as a part of the thesis statement at the beginning of the essay. The disappearance of your opinion discussion in the essay made this get a failing grade.

The score for the essay is primarily based upon how you understand the prompt and how you represent it in your opening statement. That is the part of the essay that immediately tells the examiner everything he needs to know about your ability to use the English language. Your comprehension skills, ability to create a logical thought process through the prompt restatement, and the formation of your opinion, as well as how you present these in paragraph form, can either have you considered for the highest possible grade, or get you the lowest marks possible.

Undergraduate / Descriptive writing : A outdoor festival in winter in a cold climate [7]

Whoah! Is this the same Samuel who wrote the descriptive essay about a marketplace? It doesn't seem so. This is a 100 % improvement over your first written work. Amazing! Congratulations on developing such an involving, imaginative, and practically, interactive depiction of an outdoor winter festival. It is very poetic in approach and relaxing to read. You did excellent work! However, you still have some grammar problems that need to be addressed.

The first grammar problem is that you do not seem to be conscious of the grammar rules that indicate how the words "A" and "An" are to be used in a sentence. When a word starts with a vowel (A,E,I,OU) the word before it should be "An". While the word "A" is used for all the consonant starting words (B,C,D, and all other non vowel listed alphabet letters). To be more specific:

"A before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a consonant sound, regardless of their spelling."
"An is used before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a vowel sound, regardless of their spelling."

Please keep the rules in mind because it makes a big difference when one approaches reading your work. Now, for the minor grammar corrections.

... Even the leaf LEAVES (PLURAL FORM) stems lie white and sharp...

... But 9 GRAMMAR RULES INDICATE THAT NO SENTENCE CAN START WITH BUT OR BECAUSE) ...

... fry FRIED meat, caramel desserts wafted WAFT THROUGH the air. The village emitted EMITS (PRESENT TENSE DESCRIPTION.TtHE NARRATOR IS IN THE SCENE AND EXPERIENCING IT) A golden glow. Tonight, FOR a few hours, people can experience the joy that usually exists beyond boundaries of winter. The joy, the warmth, appreciating the warmth of the sun and it's blessing's of fire HEAT (FIRE DESTROYS SO IF THE SUN EMITTED FIRE, THERE WOULD NOT BE A FESTIVAL. HEAT MAKES THE FESTIVAL HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE FEEL WARM EVEN WHEN THE WEATHER IS COLD) ; subsistence in the midst of the icy overcast.

Samuel, please disregard the advice of Sholihin. It does not apply to you because you are not taking the IELTS. You are an ESL learner which is totally different from an IELTS test taker. You did good work on this essay. The format he is advising does not apply as you are not writing an IELTS writing task essay but an ESL descriptive writing essay. You are a student of English while IELTS is an English exam for international students. Don't be confused :-)

Sholihin, Samuel is not writing an IELTS Essay, he is an ESL student learning how to write in English. He is practicing his descriptive writing exercises. Your advice to him is not applicable as he not taking the same test as you are. Please refrain from offering advice if you are not sure or do not understand what the student is trying to do in the exercise. Wrong or misleading advice can confuse the student and make it harder for him to learn the English language. Kindly make sure that you understand the requirements of the student's work before you offer advice.

Writing Feedback / Perceived and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime, indicated in varied-variables [3]

The bar chart gives a set of information about the perceived and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime indicated in varied-variables, quantified in percentages.

- You cannot present a single sentence introduction to the report. I has to contain 3-5 sentence as an overview that states the types of crimes to be discussed, the simple proportions, and the coverage years, at a minimum. Please expand this paragraph.

Overall, the perceived 2009/10 dominated in THE CATEGORY OF car crime. While, three others namely actual 2009/10; perceived 2010/11; and actual 2010/11, are rangked RANKED as the followers of the perceived 2009/10, it was a noticeable account in which the actual 2010/11 was the lowest one in numeral AMONG ALL crimes.

- Again, you need to expand this paragraph by dividing your information into shorter or mid-length sentences. it does not follow the correct format of exam essay paragraph sentences.

... car crime shown SHOWED a dramatic increase in perceived 2009/10 around 6%... information of THAT the issue leveled out at 21% in car crime.... 2010/11 is WAS also relatively high in car crime. Correlated with TO that, ... violent crime tended to exactly be change in which the perceived 2009/2010 continued ... perceived 2010/11 ready WAS positioned as the second HIGHEST level after. ... lowest trend in various crimes such as burglary, car crime, and violent crime.

Please note that all of your writing should be delivered in past tense since these facts have already occurred and been collected previous to your report.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: RUNNING OUT NATURAL RESOURCES - we have started to look to space for solutions [2]

Tau, don't focus your essay solely on the renewable energy resource discussion. Speak of the need for space exploration and natural resources in a general manner as the prompt dictates. If you limit your discussion from the very start, you will also limit the method by which you can discuss your reasons. Since the essay prompt does not focus on a single renewable source or mineral, you should do the same in your essay.

Do not make factual claims regarding the existence of more minerals and natural resources outside of the earth. While there is a possibility that these may exist, there is no factual evidence to support such claims. Therefore, your discussion should also err on the side of caution and discuss the interest of space exploration for natural resources in the same manner. Make reference to claims, not facts.

You have covered the best evidence for the discussion in two paragraphs. There is nothing that cannot be considered acceptable in this line of discussion. However, your discussion is still wanting because you are lacking one very important factor that is demanded by the prompt. You did not offer your personal opinion regarding the topic. You stated it in the thesis statement but did not offer a paragraph to explain it in the essay, as expected. Your opinion would have been the layman's opinion, based upon your personal knowledge or understanding of the issue. You should have presented such a paragraph in order to further prove that you have a clear understanding of the prompt and the ability to defend your stand on the matter in proper English.

This is a well developed essay that still has the potential to become better. I hope to see your continued improvement in your upcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: International Trade of Southland in Three Areas between 2000, 2016, and 2025 as the projecte [3]

... sales of FOR Southland in three different areas ARE measured in THE £ billion UK POUNDS (DO NOT USE MONEY SIGNS, USE THE ACTUAL TERM) between 2000, 2016, and 2025 as THE projected year, ... It is immediately apparent that the trend of three productions is ARE different. ... the greatest sales despite of fluctuation although EVEN THOUGH international tourism is...

... trend can be seen REFLECTED on international tourism and meat... showed A fluctuation IN sales. In 2000, the FARM products of farm stood at just below £7 billion ... sales record in the following OVER A PERIOD OF sixteen yearS. However, the abroad FOREIGN trades of farm products were ARE forecasted to fall slightly in 2025 (USE FUTURE TENSE SINCE THIS IS YET TO HAPPEN) . ... and were ARE projected to reach a high of approximately £10 billion in 2025.

... and these sales ARE EXPECTED TO decreased significantly in 2016 and will hit a low of £5 billion in 2025. A closer look to AT the chart reveals that the selling record was IS EXPECTED TO BE FOUND IN dairy products in 2016 before global tourism WHICH is projected to come to a head of the popular consuming AS A POPULAR CONSUMER PRODUCT in 2025.

Writing Feedback / Government policy is not inappropriate to solve today's issues [2]

Diqon, I am very familiar with the prompt that you are trying to respond to and I can firmly say that you have not developed the correct response to the essay prompt. You are only supposed to agree or disagree with the issue of government taxation on fast food. There is nothing in the prompt that asks you to discuss alternatives to the taxation plan, nor are you being asked to present additional information regarding alternative solutions.

While you did present a very good argument in support of your suggestion, that is not the point of the essay. it has nothing to do with raising the price of food outside of taxes. Your discussion must only support your point of view regarding the prompt. If I may, I would like you to review the prompt that you are responding to. It states that:

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

It all boils down to the fact that you have not properly stated your opinion in the thesis statement/introduction. If you restate the prompt in the following manner:

"While the number of health diseases related to fast food consumption continues to rise, the government is expected to take some sort of action that will help to alleviate or resolve the problem. Some sectors of society believe that the government should raise taxes on fast food in order to force people to eat healthy food. Others, believe that raising taxes on fast food will not resolve the health problem it causes. In my opinion, the government should take action to resolve the issue by raising taxes on fast food purchases. It is my opinion that raising the taxes on fast food carries some major benefits for the health of the public for a number of reasons..."

Then you can discuss the benefits of raising taxes such as making fast food a more expensive alternative to healthier foods. It will encourage restaurants to make their food healthier because of tax breaks that they can get if they offer "healthy" fast food instead, or that raising taxes can serve to help the government fund healthy feeding programs. The reasons to support increased taxes are endless. All you have to do is discuss it properly.

Graduate / What interesting offers Master's in finance at Frankfurt school? Why did you choose this programme? [2]

Ashish, you just spent the word count constantly saying the same thing. There was nothing informative in the essay that gives the reviewer a solid idea as to why you chose to study this program. Your generalized responses do not really offer a solid idea, study plan, or career plan for yourself that would indicate a clear reason for pursuing this program.

In order to properly explain why you chose to study this particular masters program, you should present some information that relates to your future plans. For example:

1. Explain why this line of study will specifically help you advance your career. That means, you need to explain where you are right now career wise and why this line of study will help you advance your career. Be specific. Don't gloss over it the way you are doing now.

2. Look into the course offerings of the university. What programs do they offer which enticed you to apply for this course? How do you feel their curriculum can specifically help you in your future career? Speak of specific internship programs, professor collaborations, and the like.

Consider this statement a shorter version of your statement of purpose. Deliver the above requirements and you should be able to properly respond to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The number of citizens who get ill from consuming unhealthy diet is increasing in some countries [2]

Riska, your essay is a bit repetitive. You actually present your thesis statement twice in this essay. Honestly, your second paragraph, which is a repeat of the thesis statement, was more effective than the first paragraph that you wrote. Even though the language used was faulty, your thesis statement got all of the elements across. The restated prompt, points of view presented in the prompt, and your opinion, were all easily deciphered and understood.

However, your conclusion became faulty because you decided to discuss your personal opinion in it. Always keep in mind that your personal opinion is a requirement of the essay and therefore, cannot be discussed in the conclusion. The conclusion after all, is only used to recap the essay for the benefit of the reader. Your opinion is so important to the defense of your opinion which you stated in the opening statement that it requires its own paragraph in order to become stronger, relevant, and more acceptable.

Writing Feedback / 'there is still discrimination against women' - how this problem evaluated to the present days? [2]

Fariz, this is a grammatically error filled essay. However, it works in terms of the discussion presented. Once the reviewer manages to decipher the information that is in the paragraphs, the relevance of your discussion and critical thinking becomes clearer. If you can just practice perfecting your English sentences somehow, your essay will be sure to get a good grade.

Just a few notes on the way you wrote the essay:
1. World Societies is not located at the beginning of a sentence, neither is it the formal name of an organization in the context of your essay. Therefore, the words should be written in lower case, as in "world societies".

2. The conclusion is only a single long paragraph. You need to expand that to become a proper conclusion of at least 3 sentences. You were able to present a proper conclusion. The only problem is that you did not develop the closing paragraph properly.

Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Christopher, this is just a scholarship essay application. It is not a government document that you need to attest to. Therefore, you do not need to have that sworn statement type of introduction in this essay. Just write it as an ordinary essay. It doesn't even have to be in a letter format. Just have a discussion with the scholarship committee in an academic tone. You don't need to use a testimonial format, nor a letter format. The commonly used essay format will do.

After carefully reading your essay, I am of the opinion that this will not make any impression on the reviewer because of the lack of remarkable information in it. The statements that you made sound just like any other poorly developed scholarship statement. If you want to win this scholarship, you need to let the committee know that you are different from the other applicants. Highlight your academic strengths. Mention any awards and accolades that you have received which will indicate that you have the potential to become an even greater participant in this professional world of your choice.

Discuss your future plans for yourself and your career. Let them know how, through this scholarship, you will get the chance to further pursue a certain interest in this field. Make them understand how without this scholarship, you will be unable to proceed with your studies. At that point, you should make mention of any finances that you have which you can push towards your studies. For example, your parents will be willing to shoulder X amount and you can add X amount of your personal money towards achieving your academic goals. You should present that information in case the committee feels that your credentials are only worth a partial instead of a full scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Over the 50-year period, the women role has transformed in several countries. [4]

You need to properly understand the prompt in order to offer a correct response to the essay. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the statement that women have achieved gender equality over the past 50 years. While you did present some relevant information pertaining to the cause of women's rights. You failed to present your personal opinion that either agrees or disagrees with the statement provided. That is where your essay went wrong. Due to the lack of a proper personal opinion in the thesis statement, you ended up discussing the wrong prompt throughout the essay.

Due to that flub, you were no longer able to deliver an essay that would have received a passing score. A failure to present the correct discussion of the prompt provided results in the lowest possible score. I do believe that you do not wish to have a score of 0 in the actual essay. Therefore you need to be more careful when writing your practice essays.

One way you can improve your comprehension skills is by reading the prompt, analyzing the content and then, with the help of a friend who is willing to listen to you and correct you, explain what you understood of the prompt to that person before writing your essay. The friend should be a native English speaker who can tell you if you managed to understand the prompt properly or not. You can do that now since you are merely practicing at this point. It becomes more crucial for you to correctly understand the prompt as the actual test date comes closer.

Writing Feedback / Obedience, an undesirable, yet unavoidable human feature? [3]

Yahya, the introduction was interesting to read. However, I found myself confused towards the end of the paragraph because there was no clear presentation of the thesis statement and the flow of discussion that was to follow. As you know, the opening statement lays the foundation for the whole essay. It directs the content of the essay, the chronological discussion, and the method by which the presentation shall be made. None of these factors were presented in the thesis statement of this essay. If you can just edit the essay to reflect those requirements, you will find that the essay will become stronger and as such, gives it a more authoritative tone.

I would not sum up the essay the way that you have it now. Your summation was actually a continuation of the previous discussion which offered a new angle of discussion of the topic. Therefore, it is not a real conclusion but rather, an additional paragraph. It should be reflected as such. Your summation should be a true recap of the discussion points in the essay along with a closing sentence that supports your thesis statement. As far as I can tell, those are the only weak points of this essay.

Writing Feedback / 'a bunch of people who felt danger' - The Percentage of Crime in 2009 to 2011 [2]

Fariz, most of the essay formatting is correct and acceptable. However, you failed to follow the correct essay format for your conclusion in this essay. I am sure you are familiar with the requirements of the conclusion and I do not have to repeat it. Kindly make sure that the same mistake does not happen with your succeeding essay practice tests. Thanks.

... the percentages of people who fell danger and also actual victim of crime FELL VICTIM TO A CRIME. ... categories of crime being measures MEASURED ; burglary, car crime, and violent crime. ... seen THAT the people who perceived danger was the highest percentage in all categories of crime WHEN compared with the direct victimS of A SPECIFIC crime.

... , the perceived burglary RATE in 2009 to 2010 was peaked AT 16%. It was A smaller rate than THE car crime RATE with 21% of people VICTIMIZED . Moreover, violence VIOLENT crime cases also HAD A smaller RATE than car crime with ... In addition, the scared of NUMBER OF criminalS between 2010 and 2011 was had THE same pattern with AS the previous period but, it was smaller...

... However, actual car mischief in 2009 to 2011 reached at 4% higher than the others type of criminal activities.
- You definitely need to lengthen this paragraph for the aforementioned reasons.

Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Manuel, your statement of purpose should not focus on two majors. It should only focus on Biochemistry because that is the reason you are transferring to TAMU. Try to refocus your statement of purpose from sounding like a personal statement. That is not what you are writing here. Your statement of purpose as a transfer student should combine two factors, your reason for wanting to transfer from your current university, and the purpose for the way that TAMU better suits your career goals.

For your purpose, it is best if you reflect specific information that defines the reason why your need to transfer to TAMU from your current university. An outline of the information you should present follows below:

1. Explain the status of your current studies. Why do you feel that transferring schools at this point would be beneficial to you? I know that you mentioned Biochemistry in your current essay. However, you also mentioned Veterinary school. Then the focus of your discussion shifted from Biochemistry to your desire to attend vet school. Be consistent. If you are transferring due to your desire to study Biochemistry at this point, then make that the center of the essay. Vet school as a secondary purpose took too much of that paragraph. The concentration should be on the importance of Biochemistry to your future since you are not sure that you will be attending vet school in the future.

2. What are your dreams for a career in Biochemistry? Now, keep in mind that Vet School would be more related to a Biology rather than Biochemistry major. So don't keep falling back on Vet School for the response. You need to make the reason behind your choice of Bio Chemistry clear.

3. As a current student at your university, why do you feel that they have taught you as much as they can. In other words, where did they fail that you know TAMU will succeed in teaching you?

4. Remove the reference to the job at the vet clinic. At this point, I believe that you are pursuing the wrong major. Consider a shift to Biology instead of Biochemistry. Biology is the usual choice for pre-med and pre-vet students. Replace it instead with any high school related activities or learning or experiments that highlight your abilities to succeed as a Biochemistry student instead.

Before you proceed with this essay, make sure that you are dedicated to the correct course of study. If you want to be a vet in the future, maybe you should pursue that instead because your essay keeps aligning itself to admission into that department instead. I can sense your passion for it, but it doesn't belong in a Statement of Purpose for a biochemistry major. Being torn between two majors will not be something that will reflect well with the reviewer. Dedicate yourself to Biochemistry for all intents and purposes at this time.

Writing Feedback / It's no longer a dream today. SPACE EXPLORATION WITH NATIONAL PRIDE RATHER THAN INTERNATIONAL EFFORT [2]

Tau, from reading your essay, I can see that you wrote it after having read the other essays here at the forum. Why do I say that? You are making the same mistakes regarding prompt response, content of essay, even the mention of the Uni Soviet instead of the Soviet Union, which the others made and I had to correct. What is the sense in practicing the writing of an essay if you will plagiarize the content of the essay to a certain extent?

When you write your practice test, do not review the other essays here and use these are reference for your own paper. You will not have the opportunity to look at other essays based upon the same prompt in the actual IELTS test. Neither will you be given an essay prompt based upon these retired IELTS questions. It is important that you develop an original line of thinking, improve your comprehension skills, and write an original paper each time you practice because those are the factors that the examiner will look into during the actual test.

The best way to practice these tests is to avoid copying others because you also copy their mistakes in the process. How can you improve that way? Try to develop original answers that will address the prompt in the way that you feel it should be answered. Your current essay moved in 2 different directions because your based your first half of the essay on the work of others here and then moved on to your own discussion. Which is why you missed out on properly addressing the prompt requirements. Use original thoughts, your own voice. That is the only way you will improve your English skills.

Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Yes. remove all references to grade school and dreams you had as a child. You have to understand that you are now in college and as such, should have more future leaning discussions filling your mind. While I will not discount the influence of your childhood dreams and your struggles in school, as well as your being the first person your family to attend college, these are all matters of insignificance to the reviewer. Why is it insignificant?

Your dreams and aspirations should have developed from childhood. As you grow, your dreams should either become enhanced to the point where you want it become your career or, it becomes just a footnote in your past. It is the future plans you have for yourself that are important when discussing your college and career plans.

One other thing, you can skip discussing your GPA if you wish. Since you are already in college, your high school GPA is already irrelevant. The GPA you got during your previous college semesters are what now will be examined in determining your qualifications. So if you can revise that paragraph to reflect college instead of high school, it should work to your benefit better.

Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Not when you are already in college. The GPA in question is something that would have been considered when you were a potential incoming freshman in college. At this point in your studies, you already have at least one full semester of college to submit as documentation of your GPA. Your current GPA is what will be considered because transfer students also need to meet a minimum GPA requirement. So if you explain your college GPA it becomes relevant to considering your application. Your high school GPA doesn't matter because it does not prove your ability to function as a college transfer student.

For your experience in the vet clinic, do you have any experience there are relates to biochemistry? At this point, you mentioned the experience at the vet clinic as a more personal than academic experience. In order to make it relevant to your statement of purpose, you need to discuss how your work at the clinic relates to Biochemistry. Did you help in the lab? Do some analysis of information from the lab, or help deliver medication to the animals? What was it about that experience that relates to developing your interest in Biochemistry? That is what the reviewer will be interested in learning about.

Basically, you need to forget a number of high school points because these no longer work for a current college student. You have to get beyond that. You need to present your current college mindset instead of your previous high school aspirations.

Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Hi Christopher, I was happy to help. Yes, there are grammatical problems that exist in your paper. However, I did not attempt to correct those because I am currently advising you to change some content and delete some parts of your existing essay. It would just be a waste of time to edit your essay in its rough draft. You will have to add information anyway and I will have to edit it again and then you will have to put the editing into place.

That is why I always leave the final grammar editing for the last minute. Once the content of the essay is correct, the ideas have been polished and the final format is in place, I will definitely help you make the necessary grammar corrections to your essay. Right now, we should concentrate on the more immediate problems of the essay. Trust me, by the time we are done working on your essay, you won't even realize that you have corrected the grammar problems and that the essay will be ready to submit already :-)

Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Sorry, that is against the forum regulations. You will just have to post the essay here again for editing. This is an open forum and everyone is welcome to post their comments and advice to you :-) Don't worry about anything. We have had a lot of students here in the past who worried about their essays and they came to realize that there is nothing to worry about. Your essay is safe here. It won't be plagiarized, nor will it be treated badly. Everyone who participates here are your friends.

I will wait for you to post your essay here. While i may not be able to respond immediately in some cases, and some other people might offer you advice during that time, you don't have to worry. I will be back with a response for you as soon as I have analyzed your paper. Actually, I am already excited about reading your revised paper so I hope you can post it here soon.

Writing Feedback / New York - lowest temperatures monthly, but longest hours of sunshine comparing to London and others [2]

... average time of sunshine annually over a twelve-month period, from January to December, located in three diverse towns. Overall, it can obviously be seen... showed AN upward tendency, except in Sydney ...

- This opening statement is not only lacking in the sentence requirements, it also lacks complete information. Provide the names of the three towns in the overview along with any shortened information you may need to present. There is also a tendency for you to be redundant. "Annually" and "over a twelve month period" mean the same thing.

... the beginning month (NAME THE MONTH) , Sydney overtook HAD the highest temperatures at more than 25,... there was an unchanged in the condition of IN Sydney temperatures since THE first month until February... the highest temperaturesin AT the end OF THE period and WITH the total of sunshine in this region per year was TOTALING 2.473 hours.

Equally, important, ... than 20 WITHin the same period OF , July, ... they again met in AT the point of 11 and reached the last...

Writing Feedback / The proportion of monthly temperatures and the averages number of hours of sunshine per year [2]

... that in AT the beginning and... temperatures has HAD THE same pattern in which Sydney has HAD the highest temperatures and is WAS followed by London and New York. ... city that has HAD the longest time to be brightened by sunshine.

... in DURING the first three months, Sydney has HAD the highest temperatures in AT around 25 degreeS. Then, it is WAS followed by London in WITH about 10 degreeS. Although New York is WAS the lowest at that time, it has HAD AN upward tendency....

- THESE EVENTS ALREADY HAPPENED THEREFORE, THE PAST TENSE SHOULD BE USED.

... the pattern totally changes D in the opposite way , whereas New York becomes BECAME the city which has HAD the highest temperatures and Sydney has HAD the lowest. However, London is WAS still in the second position in AT around 20-25 degreeS. Next, the last three months exactly have the same pattern with AS the first three months.

- TEMPERATURES IS ALWAYS DEFINED IN DEGREES OF MEASUREMENT.

... New York has HAD the longest time receiving the sun light than other cities. It has HAD 2,535 hours while Sydney and New York have REGISTERED 2,473 and 1,180 hours respectively.

- INCREASE THIS PARAGRAPH BY ONE MORE SENTENCE IN ORDER TO BE FORMAT COMPLIANT.

Writing Feedback / People are living longer due to medical care - is it a positive trend? [3]

Mita, look out for the words that you use. Make sure that you use the proper word to describe what it is that you want to say. For instance, in your opening statement, you said that " their quality of life is inclining". Inclining depicts an upward slant in a graph or bar chart. In terms of describing human life though, the proper term would have been "their quality of life is increasing," Increasing being the term that describes the constantly growing improvements in the life of a person. In order to prove your ability to use more complex English words and create more advanced sentences, you need to make sure that the word references that you use are appropriate for the thought you are creating.

I would like to call your attention to the thesis statement that you created. The prompt is asking you to discuss whether "the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?". Instead, you have presented your opinion as " In my opinion, this will bring negative and positive effects in same proportion." That response does not properly address the prompt question. Compare the question you are being asked to answer and the thesis statement you created at the end of your opening statement. The error on your part is quite obvious.

Therefore, the whole essay is based on the wrong premise and as such, does not pass the requirements that would have gotten your work a passing score should this have been an actual test. Your conclusion proves your mistaken premise and discussion in the essay. It does not contain any reference to your opinion regarding the weight of advantages versus disadvantages.

Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Then discuss that aspect. Explain why you need the scholarship aside from how the scholarship can help you. You mentioned in the original essay that "My commitment to study helped me to obtain sponsors to cover my scholarly fees until my graduation. . " Go a step further and explain why they should take a chance on you as a scholar this time around. Do you remember how you were asked to write a statement of purpose for your masters application? Do something similar in this essay. Talk about your dreams and aspirations for your future, or the future of the field that you are involved in.

Scholarships are sometimes won based upon the vision of a student. When I asked you to discuss your ability to pay your tuition, that was optional. It was not mandatory. If you cannot afford to pay any fees at all then say so. However, make sure that you follow that up with viable reasons for them to support you because of your vision for the future.

You can always discuss looking for a job when you get into the MS studies through the help of the scholarship. In fact, I would recommend it because it shows a go-getter attitude. The scholarship committee appreciates the passion, drive, and ambition of the students. If you can prove that you will do what it takes to stay in school, you just might set yourself apart from the other applicants.

Writing Feedback / Developing of medical system in many sides keep people healthier and their life expectancy is higher [5]

Adie, I agree with Carol, when you develop the essay, make sure to use a short outline to help you develop your ideas and presentation in the essay. You have to learn to identify the keywords that exist in the prompt in order to develop a strong introductory statement. If you get the keywords, you will be able to present all of the necessary information in the opening statement. In this essay, the keywords, as I identify them are:

consequences of improved medical, living longer, life expectancy is increasing, advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.

So, if you take the keywords and then build your paragraph around those words, you will be able to accurately restate the prompt, depict the opinions existing regarding the topic, and finally, present your opinion regarding it. the opening statement is the most critical piece of writing in any English language test. I suggest that you constantly strive to improve your opening statement presentation because that is where the initial impression and score regarding your ability as an English language writer will be based upon.

Writing Feedback / Good health is one of the crucial life components. Pros and cons of the medical care improvement. [2]

Anita, when you say "living increase and life expectancy", you actually mean the same thing, which is a longer life. Therefore, you can use one description or the other, but never both. Using both results in redundancy which shows a lack of understanding of the English vocabulary. You also cannot say vice-versa in the introduction. You are not stating the results of a report as in the case of the IELTS writing task. Always present a complete representation of your opinion or discussion in the opening statement. Don't use shortcuts. You have to prove that you have the advanced ability to use the English language and the best place to do that is in the first paragraph of an essay. Mostly because this is the point during the reading of your essay, when the examiner's attention is still fully on the paper that you wrote and the skills that you display.

One of the weaknesses that I see in your essay is the way that you do not fully represent the benefits of a longer life. You mention generalized information without actually mentioning the source of the information. Offer examples of government health programs that have resulted in the longer life expectancy of the elderly. Then connect it to the examples that you have stated in your essay. That is one way of creating a strong discussion point in your essay.

As for your disadvantage argument, you need to develop that paragraph in a better sense. It seems to just be a rushed summary of your reasoning and that creates a confusing paragraph for the reader. Try to clarify your point of discussion and make sure that it is easily understandable.

You know that you cannot discuss your opinion in the conclusion right? So why did you do that in this essay? Revise your conclusion. Write a real conclusion that does not include your personal opinion. That should be a separate, stand alone paragraph. Don't mix it in with your conclusion. That shows that you do not really know how to write an English essay.

Writing Feedback / In many countries, the life expectancy is used as indicators to monitor the health of population [5]

Andri, it will be in your best interest to revise the whole essay that you have written. A number of reasons exist that make it evident that simply writing a new essay is necessary. The first reason being that your opening statement is just plain confusing. Second, your examples are just not applicable (sword vs. scalpel) because of it is archaic in relevance or just doesn't apply to modern medicine. Third, your essay does not evenly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living longer.

You should learn to asses the requirements of the prompt with your current discussion. The prompt contains all of the guide questions that you need to make sure are represented in the essay. Double checking your response for prompt responsiveness would have helped you avoid that problems that your essay has. If there is a question in the prompt that you cannot find a response to in your essay, then your essay needs to be revised. That is the simple way of editing your essay. I hope you can apply it to your future work.

Undergraduate / An experience that taught you about yourself or the world... UBC Personal Profile (Computer Science) [3]

Kingsley, the essay you wrote does not reflect the kind of response that the prompt requires. This is not about your development as a professional and what you learned about in the workplace. Although, that is another way of looking at it. The essay is actually asking for a description of how you have developed as a person. You are being asked to relate a story that could show the reviewer a unique aspect of your character or personality that can indicate how you can be an asset to the student community, not necessarily the academic sector.

That is why you are being asked to specifically relate what you learned from the event and it helped to shape your view of the world around you. You should indicate those two important aspects in your response. While this essay responds to the prompt to a certain degree, it does not deliver the expected insight into your character and point of view.

Try to think of an activity where you were involved in a diverse situation or a strange (to you) predicament. what lesson did you learn from it? Think along those lines and you will be able to deliver a more responsive essay in the end.

Graduate / MS of Accounting/ Career path essay/Legal background [2]

Yongyi, there is nothing correct about the essay that you wrote. It does not reflect the response that the prompt requires. You gave a rundown of your work experience in the essay instead of depicting the kind of work that you see yourself doing in the future. The reviewer is not interested in your previous work experience. So you should not be presenting it in this essay. Only the latter part of the written work somewhat answers the instruction. Take this portion of the essay and build on it:

After completing the Masters in Accounting at Bentley University, I plan to work in consulting firms either in China or the U.S. to reinforce the knowledge I learn and build up my practical skills in accounting...

That provides an overview response to the prompt. All you have to do at this point is review the essay in accordance with the requirements you were given. Each sentence of the above paragraph actually gives an answer to the question posed. All you have to do is expand upon each sentence, developing it into a paragraph long response each time.

Undergraduate / What you would like to be for one day / Why Franklin & Marshall? F&M Supplements [5]

Calvin, both of your ideas would work well. However, I think that being a humanitarian aid worker would have more of an impact upon society or the world in general. Being a lawmaker is like saying you want to be a pencil pusher. a lawmaker just makes laws that people may of may not decide to follow. But a humanitarian worker touches peoples lives in a way that makes their existence meaningful and important in our modern society.

Try to develop the idea a bit more. Think about the greatest tragedies that the world has had in this century. Then imagine the kind of aid worker you can be in similar scenario. You could even make up an original scenario if you want to. Just make sure that your narrative expresses how you can make a difference at that time. Maybe you have a special skill, training, or interest that will be of great help in such an instance. It all depends upon how you develop the idea.

Undergraduate / How to write a short structured, autobiography - AppState Hayes Music School Essay [4]

Rebecca, you failed to mention where you come from in the first paragraph. That was the first required information in that paragraph so missing out on presenting it became a glaring error. You were able to satisfy the other aspects of the requirements though. However, your presentation is to perfunctory and does not use any imagination or transition sentences to its advantage.

You should not just concentrate on delivering the answers to the questions alone. You should make the response interesting to read. Be imaginative in your descriptions. Try to bring the reviewer into your world. Excite his senses. Make him feel or imagine what you are trying to explain. Right now, the essay is not that all interesting to read and does not entice the reader to proceed to the next paragraphs. That is a bad sign for you. That means that if submitted, the reviewer may just pass on reading the rest of your essay or not consider the content interesting enough to benefit your application.

Undergraduate / Taiwan and the hidden talents. SoP- Applying for master program - Arts management, administration. [5]

Chi-Wei, you essay offers a tremendous amount of information, but it does not deliver on the preset questions that a Masters degree student is expected to answer. In all honesty, none of the information in your current essay tells me , using the eye of a reviewer, that you would succeed as a masters degree student in this field due to the many missing elements of your professional skills. That is of course unless you are applying for one of those master's degree courses that don't require any work experience. In which case, your essay is just guilty of being over verbose.

It would help your essay a lot if you could just summarize most of the content and try to concentrate on presenting your short and long term goals instead. That way, you at least show the reviewer the relevance of the MS degree to your future career and you can create a relationship between your past academic experience and your desire for a masters certification. The rest of your essay, relating to your "work experience" just needs to be shortened, taking the attention off your lack of related experience, so that your overall essay will seem stronger than it actually is.