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Posts by shintacandrade
Name: Shinta Candra Dewi
Joined: Feb 2, 2015		 Last Post: Nov 17, 2015
Threads: 10
Posts: 74  
Likes: 87
From: Indonesia
School: Gadjah Mada University

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shintacandrade   
Jul 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / "Is having too many choices a problem?" SAT Essay May 2015 [3]

Hi Dawn01,

I like the way you introduce your idea. You only need stronger reasons for your thesis statement. Anyway, do not write a long sentence with many punctuation marks if you are not very sure of their usage.

In the human maze , one can face plenty of choices ,during his surviving but only one is suitable to solve life's enigma and thus, achieving success and happiness .That'savoid contractions in formal writing why, I firmly believe that we shouldn't have many choices.

Allow me to rewrite it:
In the human maze, one can face plenty of choices. During his survival, however, only one choice would be suitable to solve the life's enigma and eventually achieve success as well as happiness. Furthermore, an overwhelming number of choices often makes people feeling paralyzed, and it causes many problems. Hence, I firmly believe that we should not have too many options.

Another thing is that I recommend you to write a five-paragraph structure with 2 supporting arguments and one against (It is better if you have both sides of the argument in your essay).

Body 1 and 2: supporting argument
Body 3: opposing argument
However, if you do not have any idea to show an opposing argument, you can write using a four-paragraph structure with only 2 supporting arguments.

Hope this helps :)
shintacandrade   
Jul 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: teens admire watching famous sports stars play and make them as their heroes [4]

Hi Hanan,

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they do not.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

1. Write the question completely. It will make the readers easier providing feedback in your essay :)
2. Punctuation marks: all the periods and commas. Punctuation rules in English are quite tricky (I am still learning it now), but these are little notes that make a huge difference in an article.

3.

People everywhere love watching matches on TV in different sports like football ,basketball ,swimming competitions .etc.

Your overall ideas are good, but your essay needs a more effective start which has a better relevance to your topic. This is important to impress your reader (the examiner in particular). I recommend you to write something like: Professional athletes often inspire many young people.

4.

As referring above to the point , professional playing is not necessarily represent moral lessons but they in somehow show their talented plays .

It is better if you write your topic sentence straight to the point and make it stronger: Professional sport players are able to show their talented plays and stimulate youngsters to do so.

5.

Also , looking to how the fitness are they (sports stars ) ,it will encourage young people to keep them selves from obesity by doing physical actions like what those stars do inside matches.

- Avoid to start a sentence or a new paragraph using also, it sounds informal. You can use the formal forms: In addition, Another reason, Furthermore etc.

- Well, I suggest you to rewrite your topic sentence. Let me give a try: In addition, many sport players always keep fit so that they have an athletic body shapes in which motivate young people imitating their healthy lifestyles.

6.

Sport players who are famous by their successful playing have positive effects on their society by the way they show their movements in the ground .And most teens love to see their plays and lovely act like them ,so this can increase their fitness in somehow .Also , they can support their governoment about how to be healthy unconsciouslywithout expending alot of money in the campaign of against obesity .

There are three things you need to do in your conclusion:
- use a transition to show it is the conclusion: In conclusion, To sum up, To conclude, etc.
- restate your thesis statement (the final sentence of your introduction) in different words
- give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the topic

Hope this helps.
Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: are advantages of international exchange programs more than disadvantages? [2]

Hi Miro Cai,
It is a good essay since you have shown both sides of the argument. However, I have some corrections which may help you.

Well, these are your topic sentences:

Body 1: ... of joining an international exchange programs for studentsyoungsters .
Body 2: ... students is that it would be ...
Body 3: ... also have some negative aspects.(need stronger argument)

In writing introduction, you just need to do two things:
1. Give some background to the topic (this is usually taken or paraphrased from the question)
2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay (thesis statement + summarizing of your topic sentences or main points)

International exchange programs among teenage students have become ...
... than drawbacks to students (background) . Personally, I agrees with this idea (thesis statement) .

Without a good thesis statement and topic sentences that answer the question, your argument could collapse. Remember that although most marks on the IELTS do not come from the introduction, you need to write a good introduction in order to have a coherent essay. So, allow me to rewrite it:

Programs of international exchange among teenage students have become increasingly popular these days. Many educationalists claim the benefits of such programs outweigh the drawbacks (background) . Personally, I agree (thesis statement) that these international exchange programs are undoubtedly useful in shaping knowledge, experience as well as soft skills even though it is costly and far away from home (main points in which you will explain it in body para) .

Your body paragraphs are well done, but I recommend you to rewrite the body para 3 like your previous ones: thesis statement, explanation and then example.

For example,(avoid using for example in the conclusion) they offer an ...

Then, your conclusion is mainly restate your thesis statement plus main points. It is better if you give your personal opinion/recommendation here.
In conclusion, although students joining international exchange programs feel isolated at times and may spend great expense, they are able to broaden their horizon and enhance their personality better. As such, it is imperative that these programs should be supported by alleviating its constraints less severe.

Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jul 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Grading on exam or grading on participation? [4]

Hi Buj,

1. Well, my first suggestion is that you should write down not only the answer, but also the question. By doing so, it will enable us providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. I know this is only for trial, but it would be nicer if you consider paragraphing, capitalization and spelling issues so that we (readers) can easily read your work.

3. For a TOEFL exam, it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. So, be careful with this matter.

4. I recommend you to use a five-paragraph structure with 2 supporting arguments and one against (you need to show both sides of the argument in your essay so as to obtain a high mark).

Introduction: introduce your topic, state your position (thesis statement) and mention main ideas of 3 body para
Body para 1, 2, 3: reason + explanation + example (4-5 sentences each para)
Conclusion: rephrase your thesis statement
However, if you do not have any idea to show an opposing argument, you can write using a four-paragraph structure with only 2 supporting arguments.

Keep writing. I hope this helps you.
Good luck Buj!
shintacandrade   
Jul 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people in the past [2]

Hi Lisa.

There are good ideas, but let me ask you first. Do you obtain benefits from the internet and it makes you happy?
I strongly believe that your answer must be YES, mustn't it?

So, you need to show both sides of the argument in your essay. Presenting the opposing and supporting argument shows that you consider more than one opinion. And this is the way how engage the reader (or the examiner). Remember, the examiner may be marking several essays at once so you want yours stands out. You can do this by thinking about your readers. Why would some agree with your argument, why others disagree?

Hope this helps for your next revision.
Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jul 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / The percentage of Bulgarian having intention to move into another country for 3 levels of studying [3]

Well, you should upload your graph to enable us providing meaningful feedback.

The chart shows the percentage of Bulgarian people having intention to move into another country for three levels of studying (higher education, secondary education and primary or lower education)(1) , over a three- year period.(2)

1. This phrase is too long. I like if you write something shorter like: primary, secondary and high education.
2. It is better if you write the year as in the question. For example: from 2002 to 2008, between 2002 and 2008, 2002-2008, etc.

Overall,all the year, most of Bulgarians goingtravel overseas for pursuing secondary education while only a few [javascript:paste_strinL(selektion,3,'','','')s]Bulgarian people them left their home country for studying university.

Turning to the detailsa more detailed analysis , in 2002 there was 65 percent of Bulgarian people taking general school(1)in abroad. This figure declined slightly in following years and reached the bottom at around 59 percent.(2)

1. What do you mean about general school, make it clear and specific. Is that primary or secondary school?
2. When it happened? please mention it.

In contrast, it tends to go up when Bulgarians chose primary or junior secondary education from 18 percent in 2002 to 32 percent in 2008(1) , a rise of(2) nearly double.

1. The structure seems a bit boring: From 18 to 32 per cent in 2002 and 2008 respectively.
2. After preposition should be followed by noun. But for this case, you can write: representing a rise nearly double.

However, there was a fluctuation in choice studying at university of Bulgarian people.(1) It slightly increased by 3 percent from 17 percent in 2002 to 20 percent in 2006. Then(2) this rate went down stronglydramatically and reachedhit the lowest number - 9 percent in 2008.

1. Bulgarian people who decide to study at university showed a fluctuation trend during the period.
2. .... 2006, but then ...

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jul 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] writing: Being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems? [5]

Hi TideWang, welcome to essayforum. Hope you enjoy this lovely site.

Well, at a glance it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the IELTS task. Anyway, I didn't check your word count, but it looks like too short.

As Dumi (one of contributors) suggest about the structure in the IELTS essay, this is the structure I recommend for you:
Introduction: Introduce your topic + State your opinion/position
Body para 1: First reason + Specific example to support that reason
Body para 2: Second reason + Example (support the second reason)
Conclusion : Final statement about your opinion/position + Final thought (personal opinion, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the issue)

Introduction, it is better to begin your intro with a good hook and then introduce the background of the issue. Finally state your opinion clearly.

This is my suggestion for the intro:
Living as a celebrity such as a famed movie star or sports player is not an easy way. While some people think it may bring so many problems, others believe that such an individual is more likely to possess numerous benefits. In my opinion, the negative aspects of being a superstar outweigh the positive ones considering these following reasons.

Good luck. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Poor decision makers are depending on their emotions the most [2]

Emotion and logic are two different aspect(1) in the decision making. In the recommended lines, authors suggested that decision should always be made by emotion.(2)I do not agree with the purposed way of decision making with following reasons.(3)

1. It should be plural: aspects
2. Junisha, rather than saying "In the recommended lines, authors suggested", better say 'the opinion in the question' directly by saying "many people believe, some people think, etc".

3. I do not agree with the purposed way of decision making > Which decision making do you mean? Make it more specific. Do you agree that decision makers based on emotion are poor ? In my opinion, it is nicer to finish your introduction with a clear statement expressing your view on the issue.

First, emotion is, in generally,(2) lent to wrong decision because it generally(2) gives importance to those thing which are attached to person.
1. emotion in general is
2. it will seem "repetitive" as in the same time you use "generally" twice. Allow me to rewrite it: First, emotion in general is more likely to lead people making wrong decisions because it often pays close attention to the feelings rather than logical thinking.

For instance, suppose a person has donecommitted crime and dragged to courtroom for justice,
the term of "crime" usually collocates with "commit"

Be careful with some following issues:
1. Capitalization:
father. now the situation will be difficult
attachment. so , emotion always
2. Personal pronouns
It is always best to avoid using personal pronouns like "he or she" . Anyway, it is ok to use personal pronouns in essays for IELTS, but don not overuse them as it may start sounding too informal.

Good luck. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 4, 2015
Undergraduate / 'my sense of needing to give back to the community I live in' - PEACE CORPS Motivation Statement [3]

Through different organizations in my community,(1) I participated in holiday parties for the elderly, beach and park clean ups, and served at local soup kitchens. This sense of wanting to give back is still a driving force in my life today.

1. Need a comma and please pay attention in using punctuation mark, especially comma. Some of your sentences should be added with comma:
As a camp counselor for nearly a decade of summers(,) I spent
The first time I arrived in New Orleans and saw the destruction(,) I was shocked
When my group met the woman whom we were building a house for(,) she handed
2. Sense of giving back

an educational path that has shaped me into the person I am today.
Well, what kind of person do you want to say? It is nicer to write your idea with a clear statement.

The opportunity to learn and understand aother people so strikingly different from my own and for them to learn about my life and culture- this chance is invigorating . Such a chance is totally invigorating

Your essay is fairly well done. I enjoy reading it. However, it needs slime polish. In my opinion, the conclusion needs to include more specific plans (or may be new plans) to overcome the various challenges associated with Peace Corps service .

Cheers! Hope it helps.
shintacandrade   
Jul 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Parents are just parents and they are not the best teachers. They are not up to date... [2]

Parenthood(1) have been considered resemble(2) to teacher's duties by some people.(3)
1. As far as I am concern, we have to paraphrase the words and stucture in IELTS writing. However, in certain kinds of words and phrases should not be changed because they cannot be stated in any other way. This called shared language: proper nouns, common nouns that are difficult to reword efficiently, technical terms as well as numbers and dates. As such, I do not think that the term of 'parents' here can be replaced by 'parenthood'.

2. Double verb.
3. It is nicer if you write with active form in your opening sentence. Allow me to rewrite it: Many believe parents have been considered to resemble teacher's duties.

Although, this is a never- ending debate.
We usually use this patterns in using although: Although S + V, S + V. or S + V, although S + V

But according to my point of view, this approach is not based on reality.
I suggest to avoid 'but' when you start a new sentence. You can use 'nevertheless, even though, however' instead. Let me give a try: In my point of view, however, this approach ... reality.

the most important distinct factors between parents and teachers which leadslead to do not look alike each other.

Hence,Likewise, they are not up to date on parenting technology.

Ordinarily, the consequence would be children who resemble their parents with similar tendencies.
Your sentence is a little bit confusing. Write the shorter one with better clarity.

Body para 1 and 2. Well, do not drag too much on the idea in these body paragraphs as you may run out of time. In this task, you better follow a specific format and an approach. This is the structure I recommend for you to follow for this task:

Introduction: introduce your topic + state your position
Body para 1: First reason + example
Body para 2: Second reason + example
Conclusion: Final statement about your position

Good luck. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Waste is created all over the world. What are the causes and solutions? [2]

There is no denial that the world itself has been facing many environmental problems in which overloaded rubbish has affected human life in certain ways.(1) The fact that a larger amount of waste ,which is being createdproduced everyday and resulted complicated problems, has raised serious concern among people.

1. I suggest re-writing the intro: In this highly industrialized era, the excessive amount of trash has become a serious problem all over the world.

One of the main reasons forresulting in the waste problem isthis the increase of population.

To tackle this issue, government should provide some policies of birth controlling such as rules that allow each family to have only one child or two as well as run contraceptive campaigns. This sentence goes a little bit out of topic. I mean, the correlation between contraceptive campaigns and waste problem sounds vague. My suggestion, try to use another idea.

Another factor is the consumerism scenes in modern society. Higher living standard has led to the demand for an alternative lifestyle which sometimes the amount of consuming may go beyond that of fair share.(1)More consuming produces more waste. Additionally, advertisersbusinesses(2) nowadays usually encourage people to purchase the latest versions which can produce rubbish of used products.

1. This explanation tends to go out of topic and it is too long. That is why I try to change it with the shorter one: More consuming produces more waste.

2. I think 'businesses' is more suitable than 'advertisers' if we talk about activities regarding to consumerism.

Keep writing. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Internet is a good way to communicate or a bad place of information source [2]

Online communication is the main issue in society these days. As such, it dues to the improvement of modern technology, interaction among people by internet such social media has already remained a remarkable widespread phenomenon.(1) Although it is sometimes argued as an incorrect(2) way to obtain the information, I personally convince(3) that the internet enables to create strong communication in human life and people have to pay much more attention before accepting new information from online media.

1. Well, the problem here is that it is a little difficult to understand what you really mean. Allow me to rewrite this: Online communication is the main issue in society these days. As such, it is arguable that the internet has to be a great way to stay involved with other people.

2. I think, 'incorrect' is not the appropriate word. Let me give a try: However, many believe that it may not be the best way to search information since internet sources are sometimes unreliable. In my essay, I would like to discuss both points of view and also share my opinion.

3. I am convinced

It is undeniable that the majority of people particularly young generation in short or long distancewho live far away
Again, 'short or long distance' is not the appropriate word.

A research study(1) has examined that nearly 90percent(2) of people who live in Indonesia(3) connect to (the) internet in order to chat with their families or friends every day, and Indonesia is also attracted by figures which are provided by several social Medias beside fast communication(4) .

1. Your scientific fact is weak, you can make it strong with using the authentic fact that mention about "when, where, who, how many, result".

2. 90 per cent, 90%
3. Indonesian people
4. please rewrite this with better clarity.

Your essay is fairly well done. Hope it helps.
Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / It has been suggested that an educational institute is the better judge of students career [2]

- Consider with your subject, plural or singular. If you start to write with plural form, be consistent with it but you can still put singular form if necessary, and vice versa.

In the given topic, it has been suggested that an educational institute is the better judge
In other word, educational institute should decide the career of a student
First, now a days, educational institute are mainly money orientated

- I do not agree with the given argument with thebecause of some following reasons.

- First, now a daysthat is how "nowadays" is written, or you can use hyphen "now-a-days" ,

- They do not care about the dreams or future of a studentthe students' aspirations

- Many ('many' should be followed by plural noun) scientist(s) and field pioneer(s)hashave not even

- a student areis very much interest in

- it is elucidated that career choice is totally depends on the student individually

Junisha, this is basically a well written. Just need more attention with grammatical issues (subject verb agreement and article).
Keep writing. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jun 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / The table: India has the greatest number of cinema viewings, the smallest figure belongs to Japan. [3]

You need to paraphrase this: The table uses cinema viewing numbers of 4 different countries (India, Ireland, New Zealand and Japan) to depict the popularity of films by types.

Let me try: The table compares the number of people in four countries who watch four different genres of film at the cinema: Action, Romance, Comedy and Horror.

At first glance, (it needs a comma) it is obvious that(the) popularity of specific movie types varies considerably across the given countries.

According to the figurestable , India has the highest figure rate of total viewed films (24.5 million views) then other three nationalities . Specifically action movies in particular are the most watched ones, with 8 million views, followed by romance movies that have 7.5 million views. Meanwhile, the lowest rate belongs to horror movies, with merely 2.5 million views.

The range of total viewing figures in Ireland, New Zealand and Japan slightly variedvaries or differs

Hope it helps
shintacandrade   
Jun 25, 2015
Undergraduate / I do believe in the evolution theory which may contrast with my religion voices - personal statement [2]

Hallo esah, I am trying to correct your writting especially your grammar.

that the human beings have evolved in numerous different ways

lineaments, and body shapes over periods of time, I consider evolution asis a process of development in humans' lifestyle.

my goal is to support people advanceadvancing one step further in evolution with the development of technology.

Although there wasis not a huge progression to call it an evolution,

in which its programs would be necessary for human survivals outside the Earth

The programs would be used as tools to protect humans from space hazards

I was not ableoften get confused to decide my path just upon my interest.

Even though I have long determined my goal, it wasis only recently that I developed my enthusiasm towards computer science.

there are more unknowns than knowns(uncountable) in space

Since I must discoverto overcomethese this unknownsto overcome these obstacles , I need to know as many algorithms as possible,

Hope it helps.
Cheers
shintacandrade   
Jun 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : THE BENEFIT OF THE INTERNET FOR COMMUNICATION AND LITERATURE [3]

Asep,
As far as I am concern, we have to paraphrase the words and stucture in IELTS writing. However, in certain kinds of words and phrases should not be changed because they cannot be stated in any other way. This called shared language:

1. Proper nouns
2. Common nouns that are difficult to reword efficiently
3. Technical terms
4. Numbers and dates

Therefore, I suggest you not to paraphrase 'the Internet'. Let me give you a try:

The aforementioned evidence shows that although international computer networkthe Internet renders positive developments in regularthe term of communication, it also providesbrings detrimental effects since the information sometimes is inaccurate. Where possible, people should be extremely careful when they incorporatetake articles throughfrom the internet [i]or you can write people need to double-check the source of the information.[/i]

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / IS EATING NO MEAT AND FISH REALLY SO BENEFICIAL? [4]

Alif, in order to write introduction, you have to make sure that you put all key words on it.

Some people choose to eat no meat or fish .
They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole . Discuss this view and give your own opinion .

You just need to do two things (IELTS buddy page 33):
1. Give some background to the topic and refer to the topic of the essay using some facts.
2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay.

Let me give a try:

Many people decide to be a vegetarian for health factors as well as environmental reasons which affect on the whole world . While it is utterly acceptable as a healthy diet can be possible without eating meat or fish and the fact that livestock is the second-highest contributor to atmosphere-altering gases (this is some facts supporting the view from the question) , I am totally convinced that an excellent healthy lifestyle needs food supply from animals and the Earth's life can be balanced by raising eco-friendly cattle (while this one is your opinion and its reasons that you will tell in your essay) .

Your intro is good, you just need to do more brainstorming (IELTS buddy page 21).
Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / In addition to the money from retirement, people should get more governmental support [5]

Retired elderly people often have small income and even no income and so they may face financial difficulties because ofdue to the rising living costs

AlsoLikewise , it can benefit the country's economy if the government provides a safety net for elderly people.

In my viewTo sum up , people should save money for their retirement lifelives,(in using while, commonly people use these patterns: While SV, SV. or SV while SV.) while the government should also fund their basic living needs after they retire without burdening allocation for other governmental primary sectors .

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Can an ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university? IELTS [3]

Plenty of people think that an ideal job can be acquired withby accomplishing study in university because they are ready to work in some places which they want to. However, other people say that students should work after graduating schools because they can obtain many experiences in the field of work. I strongly believe that getting a job after finishing study in school has many benefits outweigh studentsthose who decide to work after going to university.

Your intro >> Plenty of people think that ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university because they are ready to work in some places which they want to.

Your position >> I strongly believe that getting job after finishing study in school has many benefits outweigh students who decide to work after university.

Nowadays, some people think that working after graduating in university is a mistake; even they say that this has negative effects for the people[/i](it matches against your intro) .[/i]

Let me try to rewrite it >> While some people argue university graduates are ready to work, it seems to me that people who have university degree still encounter difficulties in getting a job due to the fact that there are high unemployment rates from such graduates. Take Indonesia as an example. A 2012 study conducted by National University pointed out that 40% of unemployment people in this country are those who have qualification from university. From this, it is clear that university degree does not guarantee people from gaining a job or even a good job.

Alif, make sure that your ideas in the body paragraph support your ideas in the introduction. Likewise, you should pay attention in using articles.

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / PEOPLE GET A JOB - it's a necessity in everyone's life [4]

However, mankinddifferent people select different ways in order to get a job depend on what sort of jobs they want.

Some people argue that they should get a university degree in advance if their desired jobsdemanding jobs require specific knowledge and skills such as doctor.

In contrast, others believe that it would be better to begin work after they accomplish school andsince they will acquire some work experience in the company.

In my personal opinion, I disagree to thisthe perspective as starting to work after school will not guarantee that people getting a well-paid job.

Accomplishing a course of university education in order to obtain a certain job is utterly prominent since they require some theories and certain skills which are given by university. some profession requires university degree

Someone who wants to be a doctor is supposed to get a degree from university. They should obtain have to go to university which provides knowledge and specific skills in order to be able to cure a diseasesand other health problems; therefore people can help others who become ill . As a consequence, acquiring a university degree is the solely one way to get such a job.

Asep, in the introduction you state 'I disagree to the perspective as starting to work after school will not guarantee people getting a well-paid job' (it means that school leavers can gain well-paid jobs). However, in the third paragraph your idea seems contrast with your first statement as you explain some dire effects of working after school. In here, you have to pay attention and be consistent with your position whether agree or disagree.

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Higher Education for Work and Perspectives - IELTS [3]

For a lot of people, a course completion in a university is the absolute path to ensure a significant occupation in spite of the high costI strike this point as it does not support your idea.

A 2010 study revealed that university graduates earn approximately 60% higher salaries than

The study also pointed out that all top management positions are occupied by those with a university degree.

Finally, I am convinceit is imperative that people should have a clear goals in regard to their career before deciding on a pursuing a higher education at university.

Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do You Think The Advantages of Medical Care Development Outshine Its Disadvantages? [3]

The general views hashave been said that as the medical treatment improves gradually, this allows people to live longer and have life expectancy. Some people believe that this can encourage them to set a better and sustainable plan for their future life.

As far as I am concerned, it is imperative for people to live as they used to be.

Let me try to rewrite this:
Ultimately, it is imperative for people these days to run a greener and frugal lifestyle to ensure sustainable living in their longevity.

Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jun 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Freedom to work and live anywhere. [6]

Recently the freedom to work and live anywhere has become the main trend due to the development of communication technology and transportation. Do the advantages of these development outweigh the disadvantages?discuss.

The irreversible proliferation of technological advancement in the field of telecommunication and travel paves the way for modern man to enjoy the luxury of working and living in any parts of the globe. Due to this unprecedented development, the merits automatically surpassed its demerits that I will outline below.

To begin with, technology has changed the way of work and live that we have adopted before. Nowadays, many scientific researchinnovations in the field of communication bringshave brought the new revolution in our life. An obvious example of this is the Internet, Today we can perform our work at any place with the assistance of this tool. Furthermore, all organization put their presentation as well as data online to give the opportunity to their employees to work anywhere. Moreover, it provides ease in connecting with our beloved ones and friends no matter where they arehas helped people to keep in touch with others wherever they are.

Your writing is good, but be careful with the punctuation marks and capital letters. Hope it helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Apr 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should young people choose their professions, or should their parents choose for them? [2]

In your opinion, should young people choose their professions or should their parents choose for them?

Young people these days are becoming more and more independent regarding to what they want to be in their future career. In many families, however, there are an old tradition in which parents still be the ones who determine children's professions. In this point, I would argue young people should be given full freedom about what to do with their chosen jobs.

Firstly, types of jobs nowadays are available in a wider range than few decades ago. Result shows that young people in this era tend to have a strong ability in gaining their career even if the jobs are common. Take Agustinus Wibowo, one of the famous writers in Indonesia, for an instance. Since he was in university, travelling has been his hobby and aspire as well. His experiences of visiting many places for years around the worlds, then, have brought him to be an explorer and traveller writer as his profession. He has been through both enjoyment and miserable along his journey to achieve his, perhaps unusual, career.

Another thing is that there is a human right in which people cannot force their desire to others, including parents to their children in the term of choosing professions. A film entitled 'Three Idiots' is an excellent example of this. Farhan, one of the players, is insisted by his parents to be an engineer, but he actually wants to be a photographer. Initially, he complies what his parents wish although in the end he decides to be a professional photographer since he do not obtain such a job satisfaction as an engineer. In this point, more attention should be pain on the fact that every person has different inclinations regarding to their careers because it is not only about money and status, but also happiness.

However, some parents hope that their sons or daughters should work based on their perspective. In my view, it happens in an old tradition in which children have responsibility to continue their parents' footsteps. For example, when their parents work as doctor, the children should do so. Those parents usually believe that they know well about their children and what profession Is best for them. They have prepared and encouraged their children to achieve such professions since they were kids. It is clear that when parents determine a job for their children, young people seem to have no opportunities to express their potential and desires.

In conclusion, it is evidence that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks if young people enable to choose their professions rather than their parents decide it for them. Where possible, parents and children should discuss related to their future careers in order to gain harmonious situations.
shintacandrade   
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Observing children copy the watched parents - IELTS Sample Essay [3]

Nowadays children tent tend to be more flexible and adaptable to the surrounding. As long as children have adults around them, they learn by copying their behavior out.There is said that children learn best by monitoring the behavior of adults and copyingimitating it.I agree up to the point, but, as this issue has become essential these days, there should be examined different sides of an issue before coming to any conclusion. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both views.

On one hand, adults, specifically parents are mostly around their children, therefore children may try to emulate the gestures, the speech flow or theeven walking style of their parents. For instance, recent research has proved that 80 percent of children's character basesare formed by observing the behavior offrom adults around them. It is clearly seen that children learn best by observingmimicking other people's behaviors. As a compliment, the children can emulate anything as simple as the walking style of his father. Children often choose to model themselves from individuals who share their time with.

On the other hand, however, there is none in this world who was born with full learning on behavior. Though, it does not mean that the adult person's behavior is well enough to be followed by children. TakingTake an example from adults who owe hazardous habits may harm or make shape the mind of children. As an example, they might know that smoke is not good for their health, they want to do what adults do. As a result they acquire somesevere habits that can totally deteriorate their lives later on.

In conclusion to that, adults should always be concerned with their actions around children because wethey play a very important role in theirchildren lives. They are our hope for a better future. Why not start teaching them everything that we wanted to be taught when we were their age?<in my opinion, your last sentence is not needed. what you should do is that adding a recommendation>

Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / People's lives are more preferable nowadays than a century ago? [4]

Hallo Jasmine, thanks for your comments. It is really great and useful for me.

So, do you me that my third paragraph should explain about the drawbacks related to mobile phone (para 2) and washing machine (para 3)?
In the conclusion, then, there will be two sides effects which make people's lives get both better and worse over the last century?
shintacandrade   
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / People's lives are more preferable nowadays than a century ago? [4]

Life now is better than it was 100 years ago. Agree or disagree?

People's lives have totally altered over a century in which life is much more preferable. As such, some people agree with this since there have been many inventions which facilitate people to do their activities effectively. Whilst I concur in this idea, I personally argue that living in these days tends to be more challenging for some people as they face a wide range of issues which emerges hand-in-hand with modern developments.

...
shintacandrade   
Apr 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Developing public transportation or making a new type of car? What should be goverment's priority? [7]

Hi Farhan, I totally agree with iqbal's idea. Nevertheless, I find few mistakes there.

Global warming is one of the most crucialsevere problems around the world. Many private vehicles today are one of predominant factors resulting green housegreenhouse gases, contributing in climate change. As such, some people believe that governments should spending a lot of money for makingenhancing public transportation systems as this is good waythe best alternative to reduce the amount of pollution caused by fossil fuelsburningburnt in cars. However, others argue that city councils should develop electric cars for society because it takesproduces much less pollution. Therefore, I would argue that spending money for developing public transports by officials is better than making electrichybrid vehicles, whilstas people's awareness to use limitedlimit the using of private cars will support government's policygovernments policies to solve the problem.

Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Apr 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / The percentage of degrees granted in at the National University in 1990, 2000 and 2010 [2]

The pie charts give information about the percentage of degrees granted in four fields (Computer Science, Business, Law and Medicine) at the National University in 1990, 2000 and 2010.

Clearly, what stand out from the graphs shows that degrees granted in Computer Science showed an upward trend over the period while those in Business, in contrast, decreased significantly. Interestingly, two other programmes such as Medicine and Law remained virtually unchanged in the first and last year although there was a change in the middle of the period.

...




shintacandrade   
Mar 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / People can eat different types of food effortlessly without any difficulties in preparing it. [3]

Nowadays, food becomes easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people life?YES/NO.

These days, preparing food is much easier than such an activity in the past. Some people have different views about this alteration. While many believe this has improved people's lives since their activities become convenient, others think this has also generated dire effects on people's lifestyle as many a person depends on cooking machines and instant seasonings to prepare food. However, I strongly believe people can gain more advantages of the change than its disadvantages.

...
shintacandrade   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / People's life would be completely different without Internet; IELTS essay [5]

The Internet is probably the most significant invention of the last 30 years. Without it, our lives would be completely different. Agree/disagree?

In the last three decades, one of the most important inventions having changed people's lives is the Internet. This has brought many alterations in the world these days. I agree with this opinion since the Internet has helped people to do many activities quicker and more effective. This great invention, however, has caused dire effects as well such as dangerous websites, unreliable information an unhealthy lifestyle.

...
shintacandrade   
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The components of a thermos flask to maintain hot liquid (IELTS 1) [4]

The picture illustrates the components of a thermos flask which is able to maintain the water's temperature in several hours. Clearly, what stands out from the graph shows while it looks small and simple, the design of this flask is fairly complicated. However, it has an essential function to keep water still warm.

In general, the thermos flask is arranged in two layers, both in its body and lid. First, the inner part, consisting of a silvered glass envelope having less infrared radiation and being a poor conductor, is the vacuum flask. Next, the outer one, is a case made of metal or plastic materials. The main element of this, the insulated support, is positioned in the bottom between the vacuum flask and outer case. It has the possibility to keep hot liquids on the inside of the bottle still warm within some hours.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, the picture reveals the thermos bottle is formed from cap and cup, composed of plastic. By opening the cup, people can consume the water. Not surprisingly, some heat can be lost in this step. Finally, this complicated thermos flask's design, is only about 30-40cm tall.




shintacandrade   
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The process of pencil making from graphite and wood [3]

Hi mumtazdinar,
I have some comments for your writing :)

The diagram presents the two processes of pencil making. Clearly, it can be seen that the process divided into two stages. Although the process of pencil cases shows many stages, the process of pencil leads wereare more complicated.

Firstly, pencil leads are made by mixing ground graphite, clay, and water together. Graphite dough is resulted by its process. Afterwards, the graphite dough is pressed into the forming press, and graphite rod is come out (come out +adv/prep/adj) . Following this, the graphite rod is cut by using a small saw to getproduce the leads. The leads should be dried in the oven with heated level of 800 degree Celsius. After the heatedheating step, the leads are placed in the wood grooves.

Secondly, pencil cases are made by cutting wood onwith the saw machine. These wooden slats are shaped with grooves cut to make the slot for the pencil leads. Each slat is grooved, and the leads are glued on to the groove. Slots are put on the previous slats containing leads to produce 'sandwich' of slats.

Overall, your writing is excellent. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The process of the greenhouse effect in the earth' surface - too much gases accumulated [3]

The diagram illustrates the process of the greenhouse effect in the atmosphere. Overall, what stands out from the graph shows while this cycle shows a natural process, human activities in recent decades have generated the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, increasing significantly. This causes the earth's temperature higher.

Basically, energy from the sun will be released to the earth's surface as heat. Not all this energy is reflected off the atmosphere, but some of this is radiated into space and trapped by greenhouse gases. The heat energy captured in the particular layers has generated a warm climate in the planet, namely 'the greenhouse effect'. However, this condition is worsened because of human activities producing the large number of emissions. As a result, the earth's temperature getting warmer gradually as too much heat has been trapped in the atmosphere.




shintacandrade   
Mar 10, 2015
Scholarship / I am a cheerful, fun-loving, proactive, and goal-oriented person. SELF-INTRODUCTION [3]

Hi jangppapunk, I have several comments for your writing. I hope it can increase your writing skills as well as my skills because I am also learning like you do :)

I am a cheerful, fun-loving, proactive, and goal-oriented person. People know me by themy nickname "Honey" and even though I am not as sweet as my name sound, I'mI am the kind of person peoplewho can easily talk with others . I believe that the life does not give you challenges that you cannot overcome. We much grab every opportunity to improve ourselves and in turn be of help to others. Let me rewrite this: I believe the life does not give me challenges if I cannot deal with problems. We are able to grab many opportunities to improve our skills by helping each others.

I was born as the eldest child of a low-middle class family in a province near Metro Manila. My mother is a public school teacher and my father is an employee at a biscuit factory. Sometimes, our needs would be way beyond our means.Let me (again) rewrite this: Sometimes, my parents' salaries are not enough to cover all of our needs. Back into when I was in elementary school, I recalled athe time when I couldn'tcould not go to a school field trip programme because my parents cannotcould not afford it. However,Ourmy family's difficult financial situation did not stopblock me from being an excellent student.RatherIn contrast , it washad become my inspiration to strive hard and make the most out of the education that my parents painstakingly provided for me. I was consistently standing in the top of our class, joining and winning competitions. I graduated elementary school as the class valedictorian and was accepted into a specialized science high school, Philippine Science High School.

jangppapunk, overall, your writing contents are good. However, I think you need to recheck your writing and rewrite it like aforementioned above :). Good luck..
shintacandrade   
Mar 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / //IELTS-1// the table and charts below - destination and employment of UK graduates [4]

Hallo autumn_waltz, you're welcome...

Ohh I see, sorry I've just realized that you have put your overview there. May be you need to add 'Overall or Clearly' when you start your overview paragraph to emphasize that you have already written an overview. So, perhaps you can write like this : Overall, it can be seen that the full-time employment remained virtually unchanged in its popularity for the first degree holders, showing only a slight fluctuation. Among employed graduates, men tended to earn higher wages than women.
shintacandrade   
Mar 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / //IELTS-1// the table and charts below - destination and employment of UK graduates [4]

Hi autumn_waltz, there are several comments for your writing :)

The breakdown illustrates the employment rate from 2007 to 2010 and the wage range of people in the UK (2009-2010) after they finished their Bachelor's degrees. The percentage of employed and not employed graduates is reported in the table, while the amount of salaries of those employed areis presented in the pie charts.

According to the first diagram,in 2010,the proportion of full-time working graduates substantially outweightis much higher than those of people who are not employed or decided to continue their studyingstudy - 63 against 13 and 17 per cent respectively . Meanwhile, the combination of part-time working and study is the least popular option, with the figures decreasingdecreased slightly from 9 percent in 2007 to 7 percent in 2010.

As presented in the second diagram, the salaries of employed graduates varyvaried from $5,000 to $40,000+. The majority (61% of women and 55% of men) earnof women (61%) and men (55%) earned between $15,000 and $25,000. It iswas also noticeable that among those who gaingained salaries above that level, the number of men isexperienced almost twice the number of womenof the women's number - 27% of men compared to 16% of women; moreover, only men arewere recorded to make up more than $40,000 over the period .

It also can be seen that the full-time employment maintainsremained virtually unchanged in its popularity for the first degree holders, with the figures showing only a slight fluctuation between 59 and 64 percentbut overall being consistent . Among employed graduates, men tendtended to earn higher wages than women.

Good Luck. You need to pay attention to the year of the data : is that past, present, or future time?. In addition, I have not seen your overview here, so you also should write it in your writing. Happy writing :)
shintacandrade   
Feb 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Universities' aims should provide more opportunities for students to study their own shake [3]

Some people think universities should provide knowledge and skills related to students future career. Others think that true function of universities is to give access to knowledge for its own shake. What is your opinion of the main function of universities?

These days, the main purpose of universities has generated a great deal of discussions. Some experts believe universities are the place for students to acquire professional qualifications as job prospects are very important. However, others think college's curriculum should focus on knowledge itself rather than skills because it gives them a chance to fulfill their lifelong ambition. While it is reasonable, I am totally convinced that universities' aims should provide more opportunities for students to study their own shake inasmuch as it is more beneficial to their comprehensive development.

...

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