Writing Feedback / Books are more significant than experience, but we can't live apart from it. [4]

Your essay is well written, but could benefit from some development.

the most important source...

Your intro should mention the contribution of experience, ad outlined in your paragraph about it!

our daily brush...

Again inthe conclusion, you merely touch on the experience issue. You actually give equal paragraph time to both and so should thoroughly mention it in the conclusion.

Your grammar and vocabulary are good, as is punctuation. You merely need to expand on your intro and conclusion in terms of mentioning the human experience angle. This would more fairly encompass what you expound upon in the body paragraphs.

Good start!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Peace Corps essay - Reasons for joining - I dream of making a small change [3]

You write a convincing essay! A good first draft. thus far, I thought...

You introduce your topic, but need to stop there to keep it from being a run on sentence. Start a new sentence with "I thought".

Thus it is strong of these...

You mean "it is from these strong experiences..." Also, you can condense this with Finally...

I think with some attention to word choice this would ring truer, but as is does answer the question. Watch out for run on sentences. If you correct tthese lengthy wordy sentences you will bring focus to youepr essay.

Good job!

Writing Feedback / Do you like reading? [4]

It's hard to judge one paragraph, but I'll try!

I'm quite keen on reading.

You could start buy posing the question, or restating it. Do I like reading?

Although I like reading...

You could conclude by reiterating the kind of reading you like. Although I like reading Internet newspapers and comic books...

You need to check your spelling, too.

All in all a good try, but needs a little work on the intro and conclusion and spelling. Try introducing the topic by repeating the question. Then repeat your answer at the end by including what you read. Try a spellcheck, or dictionary.

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Topic: When you have to solve a creative problem, do you rely more on craft or inspiration? Why? [3]

This paragraph is repetitive and yet doesmake a good point. I think you are defining a word with the word!

create a new solution...

To solve a creative problem you could say you try to think "outside the box".
You don't want to use the same word creative to say how you solved the creative problem.

-rely on inspiration...

You can use the hyphen there, but you could also use a colon; i.e.:rely on inspiration. Either way you are pausing and drawing attention to your solution.

Well written paragraph with some suggestions for improvement. Don't define a word with a word. Maybe use a colon instead of the hyphen.

Oef_carol

Writing Feedback / Cultural adaptation is an important factor that promotes unity and social integration in a community [3]

You have written an excellent essay about cultural integration!
However, you need to explore the topic a little further, as three paragraphs is too short.

You could come up with one or two more topics for paragraphs, within the body. Perhaps you could mention that peace can come we people blend their diversity domestically, because this would make it more likely to get along with foreign nations.

However this does not necessarily mean...

This is not a conclusion, but a contrasting opinion. That's fine but you need a true conclusion which sums up the entire essay.

A nation consisting of...

This is not a true thesis statement. You need to intproduce all the ideas of the body paragraphs.

Very well done but needs some revision of the intro and conclusion. List all the discussed ideas in both! This will strengthen your essay, and give it classic form. This should put you in better standing with whoever gave the assignment.

Good job!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Awkward relationship with my uncle - ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [4]

between me and my uncle...

You need to introduce the progress you made in your relationship, in this thesis statement.

importance of action...

What about the first part of Coveys expression: LOVE is a verb. How will that love for your uncle help you in the future?

You need to tie that initial idea into the conclusion.

Your vocabulary and punctuation are fine. Just upgrade the intro and conclusion to include the things I said, for a better essay. Introduce the full topic including the progress of your relationship, and add the topic of love back into the conclusion. Perhaps you could mention how your experience gave you a bigger love of humanity!

Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Should newspapers and magazines protect famous people privacy? [2]

An interesting response! I think you give good reasons for your position.

In my view...

Not really sufficient thesis sentence. You need to formally introduce each reason you will introduce, within the intro.

In conclusion...

Again, you need to correct your conclusion by wrapping up all the ideas you introduced in the body paragraphs.

Your essay could be condensed into five paragraphs, because it seems to be unnecessary to draw it out to six.

Good vocabulary and grammar. Your word choices are excellent, as you discuss the subject thoroughly. Good use of transitional phrases and examples. Just fix up your first and last paragraph to include all the major points of the body paragraphs.

Good job!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Windows on Williams - My Neighborhood and its impact [5]

I think you wrote a lovely piece, very touching. You just need some pointers to shorten it a bit.

seems quite depressing...

This could be cut! You don't need to tell the reader how to feel, after that description, it's obvious. So don't be too wordy! Eliminate unnecessarily telling the reader what to think.

unpleasant and unknown neighborhood...

Again, you call it a ghetto at one point. That's enough to create an image that sticks.

Just make your point succinctly, with less flourishes, and you will have cut the unnecessary. I think your form and grammar are fine as is your vocabulary. Just do the necessary editing, and you will have a better essay.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / WHY DO YOUNG PEOPLE LIKE TO LIVE IN BIG CITIES? IELTS ESSAY [3]

This is a good essay with alto of potential!

array of reasons...

This thesis sentence needs to list the reasons. That's what they do.
You need to introduce the whole essay by briefly introducing them in the intro.

opportunities for society,therefore...

CORRECTED: opportunities for society. Therefore...

This is a run on sentence. It is way too long! Break it up at therefore, into two. You have many run on sentences in this essay which would be improved by breaking them into two.

Your vocabulary and grammar are good. The essay would be improved by rewriting the thesis sentence, and breaking up long sentences into two. Your intro should introduce all the main ideas from the body paragraphs.

Good luck!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / 'The pain is temporary' - David's United States Naval Academy Personal Statement Essay [4]

Your essay is just two paragraphs, each one answering a question. What you need is proper form. You could introduce the two questions with a thesis statement.

my parents as well as the Boy Scouts have ingrained...

This could be your thesis statement. But then you need to make the rest of the paragraph into a new paragraph.

Although one could look...

This could be the forth and last paragraph. Then you just need to tie it into the Naval Academy question, and end.

Your word choice and punctuation are good. You just need to add some traditional form and style to the essay. This will make it stronger! Just add a thesis statement and a conclufibg statement that tie it into one piece.

Good start!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Youngsters freed from parents as soon as possible. How to judge this? [5]

This is interesting but needs some correction.

point of view may seem enviable...

This could be a separate paragraph on the pros of living at home. First introduce the subject, then present both sides, thenpick a side!

In conclusion...

Your last paragraph should sum up both sides, review all the pros and cons, and then conclude.

Your vocabulary is good, as is the grammar. Just review the form and make the intro and conclusion more the way I said. Revise the intro as just that, and add some sentences to your conclusion. If you present both sides you will have a stronger essay. And if you have five paragraphs it it will be more classic!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Naval Academy Senator letter [3]

This essay answers the questions but lacks some proper form.

it opens opportunities...

You need to take your first paragraph and divide i into an intro and the first question answer. You have the makings of a good introduction in the thesis statement above.

I will proudly accept any opportunity...

This would be a good conclusion. However you need to develop the paragraph it's in prior to it.

You do discretely, but succinctly answer the questions. However, you need to hone the opening two paragraphs for form, as well as the conclusion.

This will build a stronger paper! Just go over your first paragraph and divide it into true intro, and the first answer. Then start your second paragraph with that answer. The next paragraph answers the second question fine. Then you can answer the future question, and end.

Good start!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Should juries get access to criminals' past covictions? [3]

Your essay has its strength and weaknesses. You do have alto of information, mostly relevant to the question. However you do need to make a thesis statement in your intro.

has both advantages...

This is not definitive enough, for a thesis statement. You need to have a sentence which highlights your major points to be discussed. Just list the major points from the body of the paper in both your thesis statement, and your conclusion.

has benefits...

The conclusion also needs to be rounded out. You need to clarify and specify, by reiterating your body paragraph points in a concluding statement.

Your vocabulary and grammar are fine, but if you hone up your intro and last paragraph, to be specific, you will have a better paper.

Good start!

ef -carol

Writing Feedback / A comparison of five groups activities of Australian kids 5 -14 years old spent their leisure time [3]

It is clearly shown...

That should be a new paragraph. You have an intro then with a thesis statement.

Overall, it can be seen...

You do a good job of analyzing the data! Your comments are helpful, and insightful. I think you show the difference between male and female activity very well. I think you need to make a wrap up concluding statement. In the last paragraph, not necessarily the last sentence, you should reiterate that overall boys tend to prefer action activities more than girls.

Your grammar and punctuation are fine. Just adjust your form and conclusion the way I suggested. I think you'll have a stronger essay for it if you just add a concluding statement or thought.

Good job!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Selflessness - I hope I would make my papa proud. Common Application [4]

Your essay is very eloquent! Thank you for sharing something so personal.

As I look back...

I think that your intro should nor merely recite the question, as your thesis sentence. You should introduce the ideas of your body paragraphs: your grandfathers contribution, your emulation of him.

As I envisage...

CORRECTED: As I envision...

Correct use of verbs is important. Conjugate correctly, for a stronger paper!

Your conclusion is good, and wraps up all the ideas from the body paragraphs. Your vocabulary is very good.

All in all a good start, with some needed attention to form and verb conjugations. Introduce all the body ideas in the intro thesis statement. If you do this your essay will be in a better position for classic formand content.

ef _carol

Essays / How to start - Media promote healthy eating and exercising [3]

I think you should write an outline! Also you could make a list of agree vs. Disagree ideas. See which comes up with more. Then go with that.

healthy eating and exercising...

What are some ways that people could shape up by eating better? Do you believe in fad diets? What about program dieting like Nutrisystem, where you follow a plan designed by someone else? Or weight watchers, where you can by the food at the store?

Do you think a gym membership is the key? Or a particular exercise? What about yoga?

to what extent...

That's the key. You can slightly agree, or totally disagree.

Make an outline which includes five paragraphs: an intro, a conclusion, and three body paragraphs. I suggest you use one example per paragraph.

I think if you take my suggestions you'll have a good start!

Good luck!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Young offenders should be equally treated as adults one's. [2]

A very thought provoking essay on a controversial subject. I think you handled it well, and with tact.

young offenders also punished...

SUGGESTION: young offenders should be punished...

You need to watch your verb conjugation throughout the essay, as this would strengthen the work.

equally there are strong argument...

SUGGESTION: equally there are strong arguments...

Watch the word choice, as singular and plural are different.

Your form is excellent, with the right intro and conclusion, and three body paragraphs. The punctuation is fine.

You will have a better essay if you follow my suggestions, but you did a good job on it as a whole. Just pay closer attention to word choice and verb conjugation. These are major points toward improvement of your essay.

This is a tricky argument, philosophically, but you navigated it very well!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / People often receive advice to "follow your dreams", more emphasis should be placed on picking goal. [2]

Your essay is very thoughtful and interesting. You stuck to the classes five paragraph form. You r intro

due to the following reasons...

Is slightly short. You should include the ideas which follow, in brief, in your intro.

who is living in the jungle..

This is a good example of misguided dreams, and it kinds humor to the essay. People can be deluded because of circumstances.

Then you give persons from history in a well done example of dreaming big working out well.

I think you make your point, but you need attention to word choice and grammar. Your conclusion should reiterate your body paragraph ideas.

If you follow my ideas you can strengthen your essay. Just include the main ideas in your intro and conclusion, and pay more attention to your vocabulary.

Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Chinese New Year- describe one of the special custom of your country [4]

This is well written, and gives the reader a clear picture.

However, I think you should condense some of it.

during the Chinese new year...

You should use a transitional phrase to start your second paragraph.

SUGGESTION: To start, during the new year.

You don't need to keep reminding thereader its the Chinese holiday. It was in the intro, and you could vary this.

After a joyful night...

You could combine this and the next paragraph, as they both talk about relatives.

So, add transitional phrases to start your body paragraphs, and condense some of your word choices, as you repeat yourself.

Otherwise, the punctuation is good, as is the form and grammar. Just combine the two paragraphs I mentioned, to use the classic five paragraph essay!

A good start!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / An essay about Christian Philosophy [3]

Well, you are well spoken, but to be an essay, you probably should have at least three paragraphs.

but when God is at the center...

This could be a new paragraph. Your intro is grammatically very good. I think your vocabulary shows classic style.

As a communication student...

This could be the conclusion. You really do make your point! Classical and thoughtful is how I'd describe your essay.

Very eloquent!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: children should not only play or study without doing any housework [3]

You bring up many good points about housework! Kids doing work is defended well with three points. You have an intro and conclusion.

is beyond doubt a benefit...

SUGGESTION: is doubtless beneficial...

Sometimes condensing words makes a concise impact. Your vocabulary and grammar are good. I just think word choices needs attention.

In a word...

SUGGESTION: In conclusion...

You could expand your conclusion with a new thought to make it interesting. Just a general observation might be a good addition! Perhaps you could say it builds good morals. Housework will instill good values in kids, besides their play and schoolwork.

Good job!

ef. _carol

Writing Feedback / Is talking the most effective and satisfying way of communicating with others? SAT [4]

Your essay is well written but needs help in construction. The intro needs to be expanded to introduce the main ideas.

on the one hand...

on the other hand...

If you introduce the pros and cons of email, right off, youwill have a better essay. Simply insert a thesis sentence which outlines major points. Then you can elaborate these points in their own paragraph.

For a broader perspective...

This should be your conclusion. Again, you should elaborate this point, to end the discussion.

So your vocabulary and grammar ate good, but just reorganize the structure a little. Expand the intro, and add a conclusion. By doing so you make stronger writing and more classes form.

Good start!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / Encounter with the slums - Significant Experience Essay [3]

This is basically a well thought out well written piece of writing! You justneed a couple of pointers.

I discovered my passion...

This is good but you need to introduce your body paragraph ideas. You want to say in the first paragraph that you were changed by your slum visits, personally, but that it was not without rewards...

how it came back to us...

Then when you conclude you repeat these intro thoughts, to wrap them up.

Your vocabulary and grammar are good. Just a little attention will strengthen your writing with better form. If you focus on key ideas both in your intro and conclusuion, your essay will be better.

Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Although we cannot emit automobiles from our world, they work destructive for our quality of life [4]

This is an informative essay about cars! What you need though is better form. For example, you need separate ideas in their own paragraphs:

Moreover I think I make a bit lazy...

CORRECTED: (new paragraph)...Moreover I think I'm made a bit lazy...

This stands as its own paragraph. Also:

numerous accident which happen...

CORRECTED: numerous accidents which happen...(this is also a new paragraph).

If you seperate your intro and conclusion from the body paragraphs, and add two paragraphs, at least, your essay will be stronger, and more classic!

Otherwise, you convince the reader to take your point seriously.

Just pay some attention to your word choices, and verb conjugations.

Good job! You really make the reader reconsider their opinion about cars!

ef _ carol

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Books and Internet, which one is better to use to research? [9]

This is a well thought out piece of writing! Your intro presents your argument, and then you presesent your point of view in two paragraphs.

The conclusion aptly sums it up. I could suggest a couple of changes, though.

To begin, I think you should add a third paragraph on the body part of your essay. You could say why books are better or why the Internet is ppoorer.

I had to by my own book...

Tell the reader another example of book studying where it wirkef out fine. A contrasting point can add interest to the essay.

You can still convincebecause more material is about the Internet being better: two paragraphs to one!

Everyone should know...

Youcant really make this a strong conclusion without naming the book as a close rival.

Your punctuation and grammar are good, as is yourvocabulary.

Just try my suggestion of a contrasting paragraph for a stronger written piece of work. I think that can only help to prove your point.

Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / It is quite common presently for younger people to have a break from studying after graduating [3]

You have put together a terrific essay on the subject of taking a break after high school. The form is perfect with an intro, conclusion, and three body paragraphs. Your two paragraphs on the pro side of the argument, do outweigh the one paragraph, on the con side. Just a couple of suggestions:

other significant reason...

CORRECTED: other significant reasons are.

You need to distinguish singular from plural, because that affects the verb conjugation. This is important in strong writing!

so take off after a year...fulfil

CORRECTED: so taking off after a year fulfills...

Again the verb denotation needs improvement. You need to be carefull, because this lack of attention to detail, in regards to verbs, could count against you in the marks department.

I think you basically have the bones of a good essay, but just need to pay some attention to word choice. Your punctuation is fairly good.

If you improve your verb conjugations, you will have a stronger essay! Also some attention to spelling would be an improvement.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / "Time flies". So grab all the moments you can within the time. Indeed college years are the best. [6]

You wrote an excellent essay on college years! I think your basic structure is good. So is yourvocabulary and punctuation. Some attention to the following will help, though.

college do not only teach us...

CORRECTED: college does not only teach us...

Correct word choice is important for strong writing! Basic verb conjugation is essential to get right.

we make friends for lifetime...

CORRECTED: we make friends for a lifetime...

Do not leave out your articles. This is the formal English you need for written work.

I think you made your point about college life, but just need some attention to verb conjugation, and not skipping words that are necessary for formal papers.

Good start!

ef. _carol

Essays / Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best [4]

If you make an outline it will help.

attracts the worst...

Make a list of examples of well known people, for their corruption. Think of scandals you've heard about. This way you write about want you know. Do an intro about the people you come up with, and list them in a topic sentence. Don't forget to write about the others...

corrupts the best...

Who are the politicians, maybe, orcelebrities, caught in scandal.

Then write a paragraph about each, about three body paragraphs.

Finally you need a conclusion to sum up your thoughts. Again, I suggest an outline to gather it together.

With this in mind, I think you can write an essay on the topic you were assigned, with confidence.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Making handmade stuffs is my hobby - every girl should be clever with her hands [2]

A very nice paragraph about your work or is it a hobby? Just a couple of suggestions.

I think you should make separate paragraphs, for why you like to make hand made things, and why you like to make gifts.

Handmade is a perfect way

You can make this your first body paragraph. You extolled the virtues of self made objects quite well! Good sentence variety and structure.

always significant gifts...

Then you talk about this inyour third paragraph. How you make gifts because its cheap and they are good for Christmas.

Your conclusion is fine. You want your daughter to follow in this way!

A good job of making a point succinctly! Just add some formal structure and expand on the topic sentences, a little.

ef. _carol

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph to give advice for beginners of the English language ( About 140 words) [3]

This is a good start in expressing the sentiment you have about studying English. You are fairly succinct, and to the point. However, some pointers.

four following advice...

four following recommendations...CORRECTED

You need to guard your word choice more closely. Use a dictionary where you are unsure, and/or a thesaurus.

pronounce correctly those words later...

later to correctly pronounce those words...CORRECTED

The way you structure your sentences needs some attention. Their are English grammar books available to guide you.

You give many good thoughts about studying English, for beginners. I think, with a little more thought, this could be an excellent essay. The main areas for you to study are word choices, i.e. vocabulary, and sentence structure, i.e. grammar.

The flow of logic, and punctuation are very good. You have a pretty good mastery of the English language, yourself! Just in need of polish to convey this to the one just starting out.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / People benefits more from travelling in their own country than from travelling to foreign countries. [6]

Your essay has the proper format, of intro, conclusion, and three body paragraphs! This is excellent. Just a couple of pointers.

The statements ask...

CORRECTED: The questions are...

A question asks, and this is what you are responding to, not a statement, which just states, or tells you something.

He had to take much money...

CORRECTED: He had to take a lot of money...

You need to watch your selection of word choice. Use a dictionary if necessary, to make sure the word makes sense.

Your intro has a thesis statement, which introduces the three reasons you feel travel in your own country is better. That is good, because you end the first paragraph, with it, as you should.

Next however, you could use better transition words, to introduce the body paragraphs. Yours are a little casual. When you write for school, you need to be more formal.

The conclusion is done well, as you sum up your argument.

I think with some word choice corrections, and more formal use of transitional phrases, your essay would be stronger.

Good start!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Write a letter to this person for an English lesson [ielts writing] [4]

Your letter is well written, but needs some attention. You should break up the one long intro ,into three or four paragraphs. This will focus the reader on one subject at a time, and lead logically to the conclusion.

At present...

This should be the start of paragraph two. You can talk about your circumstances. Then you can talk about your accomplishments:

thus it is significant to improve my English skills...

Do a third paragraph on why youneed lessons, in English.

I think you make your point well, but need some format changes!

Then in the fourth paragraph you could mention your job, and in the fifth wrap it up and conclude.

Be organized, but otherwise you did answer the questions. You have included all the pertinent facts.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / How to minimize the levels of stress in high school students? [3]

Lets talk about your conclusion! Take apart your concluding sentence, and then write a sentence, about each idea.

take breaks...exercise...control their diets...

So start with take breaks. Describe in brief, just one sentence, how to lessen stress by taking breaks. Then do the same for exercise and control diets. Then you will have summed up your essay with a concluding paragraph! Just one step at a time.

Your intro is good and so are your body paragraphs.

20-30 minute naps...

Hint! Don't start your sentence with numeral digits. Write them out.

CORRECTED: Twenty to thirty minute naps...

You have a good start, but need some writing improvement to the conclusion as I said. Just try adding one sentence at a time to it.

Good job!

ef. _carol

Writing Feedback / Describe a book that you believe is the most useful to you. The essay of TOEFL. [4]

I think you have a very well thought out essay, there. You have given your reasons for picking the book, in your intro, conclusion, and two other paragraphs. However, you do have some grammatical errors.

about how the world result...

CORRECTED: about how the world came to be...

You're trying to explain how the world is now, what it is. Present tense.

Its important to focus on what tense you are talking about.

explaining about the agriculture...

CORRECTED: explaining about the agricultural...

You need an adjective there, not a noun. It's important to pick the proper part of speech to use!

I think if you add one more reason, tomake it 5 paragraphs, it would be a better essay, more traditional. So, watch your verb tenses, and parts of speech choices, and I think you'll have an excellent essay. You could explain further support of your book choice, inthe extra paragraph.

Very well elucidated! Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - People get into debt for buying unnecessary things [2]

peoplebecome so consumerism...

CORRECTED: people become so consumeristic...

You need adjective there, not a noun. You are describing the people! You need to pay attention to your word choices, and make sure they match grammatically. An adjective describes a noun, person, or place.

stop joining any socialite clubs...

This should be a new paragraph. You would be better off with five paragraphs, ad this would strengthen the essay, and make it more standard.

Also you could then expand on the idea. It needs more elaboration and detail!

Basically well written, with good intro and conclusion. Pay more attention to grammar, and word choice. Make sure your parts of speech are correct.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Pretty, attractive girl with great voice - we spend a lot of time together. Best friend paragraph. [6]

We acquainted with each other...

CORRECTED: We became acquainted with each other...

Your paragraph is well written, and probably should be expanded into 5 paragraphs. You introduce the subject well, by saying when you met. And you conclude well by saying...

she is thegreatest friend I has in my life...

You just need to correct the verb.

CORRECTED: she is the greatest friend I have in my life...

Pay attentionto your verb conjugation. This is something youneed throughout your essay.

If you take the things that make her your best friend, and break them into paragraphs, you'll have a finished product to be proud of! You could take the singing and the advice of right and wrong, and make them each a paragraph, for example.

A nice detailed description of a very special relationship. Good use of vocabulary, and the narrative description.

Just some order needed to make strong writing! Expand on your initial paragraph, into a 5 paragraph essay.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Charity organizations should offer help to everyone in need. [3]

A very incitefull essay. You really did a good job analyzing the two sides of the issue.0which would further lead to economy growth...

You took the position of helping your own country, and raisedit to an economic issue. CORRECTED: which would lead to economic growth...

You need to condense your ideas for a concise approach. Also, note thedifference between nouns and adjectives.

should have less developed regions...

Are you saying that poor neighborhoods arejustified? What is the justification? You need to explain more.

You seem to go back and forth, without taking a side, I think that a good essay will give a strong opinion,, that is backed byfacts.

Although you analyze well, you needto answer the part of the question which asks what you think.

Try outlining your thoughts, and giving it some more thought. If you can create a 5 paragraph essay, with intro and conclusion, you will be in a better place. Start with an opinion, and defend it. You can still have factsfrom both sides.

Good start!

ef. _carol

Writing Feedback / Reducing the walking distance. [8]

This essay is organized well, with 5he intro, conclusion, and 3 paragraph body! Good job on that. However, you need attention to grammar and punctuation to make itstronger. Your verb conjugations need attention.

I will analyze...

Use the intro to specify which reasons people walk less. Take the body paragraph ideas, and introduce them in the opening paragraph.

Commencing with my first reason...

Redundant. CORRECTED: To begin with...

Just say the idea about available transportation. The idea is a good reason to walk less. It sells itself. You don't have to use extra words to emphasize it.

need to take some steps to aware...

CORRECTED: need to take steps to make people aware...

Again, the grammar needs correcting, and shorten the explanation.

I think you just need some polishing of your verb conjugations, and chopping excessive verbiage, and you will have a strong essay.

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. [3]

I don't think you should end your essay with one line. The conclusion should be at least three to four sentences,and should summarize your main points.

In conclusion...benefits to our lives.

What benefits? List or enumerate them for the reader, in order to firm up your point.

...enables doctors to detect cancer...

This is a good point and wonderful to know! Your argument really gets a great push from this benefit of space travel. I think that maybe 5his could make a whole paragraph, in itself, though. This would round out the essay to five paragraphs, more thorough and stronger writing. Two paragraphs, in favor, and one against lead to a conclusion in favor.

Good job on vocabulary and grammar! Basically, a well written essay. Just polish up the format, with 5he changes I suggested.

ef-carol

Writing Feedback / Radio is the best way to get news, while others believe that TV is better for this purpose [6]

the advantages of watching television...outweigh...

This is a fair conclusion, based on your evidence, but you need to have a thesis sentence which introduces this.

I will discuss both views...

This is not a thesis. You need to say TV is better,if that is your perspective,
right fro the beginning of the essay.

I think your order is good as you show radio and TV positive attributes.
,
Your vocabulary and grammar are good. Sentence variety is excellent!

In the first place...In addition...

These should start new paragraphs. It is better to have a five paragraph essay, as that's standard.With this order revision, I think you would have a stronger piece of writing.

Good job!

ef. _carol