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Posts by ramzi06
Name: Mochammad Ramzi
Joined: Jul 27, 2016
Last Post: Sep 6, 2016
Threads: 9
Posts: 17  
Likes: 4
From: Indonesia
School: Institut Teknologi Sepuluh Nopember

Displayed posts: 26
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ramzi06   
Sep 6, 2016
Letters / Letter or motivation for a Msc in Supply Chain at Jacobs University in Germany [2]

Greetings Mr. Carlos Cabrera
in this opportunity, I'd like to share ...

first of all, please start the sentence with polite one, and more importantly please give your objective (purpose of this letter)
this is my example :
The purpose of this letter is not only describe how personally interested I am to apply for a Master's Degree program in ............. (university), but also reveals my previous educational and professional background. I truly believe that both of my educational degree and field work experience are able to help me through the program.

or you can choose to use yours but I'll give you some corrections.

I am Carlos Cabrera, motivated Professional in Venezuela . I appreciate this opportunity
In this letter, I would like to introduce myself at your university (please state your aim university) in order tofor applyingfor the Msc program in Supply Chain and Managment at the Jacobs University . With combination of my educational background as well asandmy working work experience in the Oil&Gas area, I strongly believe that I am a suitable candidate for the this programme program.

Since my high school days In high school level, I (...) regarding Science, especiallyparticularlyspecially chemical science as ...
That is why I enrolled myself at the University of Carabobo, where I graduated as Chemical Engineer . Therefore, I would like to apply for this Master program that related to my previous background and at the same time for a scholarship at the University's fund.

... I believe that my competences and academic records recommendlead meforto the limited number of ...

That's all, thanks
ramzi06   
Sep 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie graphs compare the proportion of average budget spent by household for 6 specific categories [13]

Greetings Mr / Mrs Yung-hsin HU
here are some correction that come up in my mind,

... compared to dropped to 22.0% ("to" in this format should be followed by "bare Verb" or "noun") to other graph that showed downward trend to 22% . Also, there was can (double verb) it is be seen a small ('small" is not appropriate in this case, since it refers to size) slight/minor decline pattermpattern which was 'education' ...

that's all, thank you.
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The degree of education of female in Someland divided by seven groups for five decades 1945 to 1995 [3]

IELTS Task 1, The Ratio of the Highest Education Level of Women in 1945 and 1995

The two pie charts illustrate ratio among all women education level start from no schooling to post graduate between 1945 and 1995 in some land. Overall, high advancement had been made by women throughout 50 year. Although in the earlier period, women mostly took low level of education only, but none of them halted their study at least in year 9 in 1995.

During 5 decades, such progress had been passed. In 1945, 35 per cent of women finished school program in the third grade and equal proportion of them chose no entering school program. In addition, approximately 15 per cent of them suspended their education in 6th year. However, this turn drastically since no one paused at this level and continued at the next grade instead.

Contrast percentages were also presented in both pictures. 1945 witnessed about 10% of female wrapped up educational grade in year 9 and very small proportions in year 12 as well as university degree. Aside of that, a half per cent of female population graduated in bachelor degree while one-fifth received graduation certificate in post graduate in final period.




ramzi06   
Sep 2, 2016
Scholarship / Just one day in a variety of many; describe a typical day in your life in the future UWC scholarship [2]

Greetings Mr/Mrs Duong Thi
to speak frankly, when I read yours, I feel like I'm the subject and experience the whole story and that's the good points. More importantly, the combination of high level vocabularies among sentences and paragraph are also excellent in my opinion.

only minor mistakes I found

I have worked as a photographer in the editorial office, (this sentence sounds awkward even if the grammar is correct. More britain natives prefer to use "I have been working as ...." rather than "I have worked.. " )

Up early to wend my way through the rush hour traffic, full of kit ... (in this sentences, I presume is not complete since only no verb detected. please check it for the structure first )

However, as there are piles of them, when ... > better for you to change it like =>However, dealing with piles of them will usually be finished when the time indicates bedtime .

That's all,
ramzi06   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The happiness ratings for both: single people and those in relationsip, and the effect of children [2]

Greetings Mrs Atika Dinartika
I am pleased reading your writing IELTS Task 1. but still some errors have been detected in here. let me help you to figure it out and share some advice.

The both charts provide information about ... While The first chart compares (...), The second chart looks at factor that people think they might be happy because of it presents factors which make them please. ... happier than unmarried people. In addition, and children factors are not ...

Special case come(s) from unmarried (...) age 65 and over whichTheyget reach the highest score at 34 percent.

... the second chart shows indicates that there are no relation ... The data tell that no matter how old their children are, )it sounds more likely your perspective, please change it into more academic) their happiness remain ...

Thanks and CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Every conversation has potential to develop into pro and contra - politic or other sensitive topics [5]

TED summary, 10 ways to have a better conversation by Mrs Celeste Headlee

These day, this world that we live in, this world which every conversation has potential to develop about pro and contra, politic, number of issues are not normal. Research study show that 10 thousands people in america at these moment were more divided than we had ever been in history. We are less likely to compromise which means we are not listening each other and we are making decisions based on what we belief. A conversation need balance between talking and listening. Teenager in USA are more likely to send text rather than talk to each other which make teacher feel fail to teach communication skill.

In this video, the speaker will teach 10 basic how to be have better conversation without wasting your time and boring. First, Don't multitasking, means that when you talk to somone meanwhile you think another topic. Secondly,Don't act like teacher. Because if we concesive about someone opinion it will naturally broke the good conversation. Next, Use open questions, start with 5W1H (what, who, where, why, when and how) and don't make complicated question. Also, Go with the flow, means that if someone ideas are coming, then you should let it out.Fifth, If you don't know, say don't know. Thereafter, Don't compare your experience with them. Please also remember about not repeating your question, it is humiliating and boring. More importantly, stay out the long-winded and forget about details. Eventually, Listen to them and Talk briefly, we tend to listen not to understand but with the intend to reply.
ramzi06   
Aug 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: For tolerance, we need more tourism [3]

Greetings Mrs. Eka Lamar Syari
He is a Palestinian and he grew up in Palestine.
He realized that revenge should only build a wall ...
By the time, he has decided to ...
He believesbelieved that tourism can buildbuilt our friendships.
... experience when he founded a tour aimed to connect people. He had two tour guides who are were an Israeli ...
... narrative, and conflict differentlyeach other . However, tourists who joined in the trip absolutely ...
As the result, tourist's relationship that made was bonded up because of (using "because of" is always followed by noun, not clause) this trip has still ...

... interaction with local inhabitants can buildcould built peace worldwide.

Please check the tenses, it is past tense or present participle. it would be a problem if the story occur in the past only. because using participle means that the time occur in the past until now.

also pay more attention on changes between past, participle and present.

That's all, thank you
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / How can we speak powerfully to make change in the world? [6]

TED Summary, How to speak so that people wat to listen By Julian treasure

How can we speak powerfully to make change in the world ? this question leads us to serious introspection on ourself. The speaker believe that it is because our habit that make us not listened. Therefore, we need to ignore 7 habits in our way of speaking, namely Gossip, easily judging someone, negative thinking, complain without action, making up an excuse and blame to someone, lying, and dogmatism (bombarding someone with our opinion). Following this, it is unsufficient if we only avoid this without changing our way of speaking. He argue that there are 4 significant foundation we need to be imposed. This is what he calls "HAIL" (Honestly, Aunthenticity, Integrity and Love) to greet or claim something enthusiatically by liken this as a engine. However, engine requires to be fixed by some equipments in toolbox. Everyone has amazing toolbox but only a few of them are able to open it. The first is register, location of your voice (from throat or heart) and secondly is timbre, represent the way your voice feel. Then we might know prosody, a sing song or the matter of language, the rude one in conversation to make our tune monotone or divers. Pace is the other tools which play an important role to speed the speaking or slow to emphasize. Eventually, pitch and volume which indicates the meaning and catching public attention on what we are saying are also vital. If powerfull speaker combined with conscious listener while designing our soundscape (environment), we will create alteration in our world.
ramzi06   
Aug 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / What skill does everyone need? According to the speaker, it should be addressed to listening skill. [2]

TED Summary "5 ways to listen better" by Julian Treasur

What skill does everyone need.? This question, according to the speaker, should be addressed to listening skill. Every human being needs to listen in order to create understand each other. Without this one, many things can happen when the world avoid to listen each other. Listening is about making meaning from sound by extracting process. People used to this as a pattern recognition to distinguish signal, especially our name. Sound place us in space of time. We tend to aware of the size of the room and how many people are in the room from the vibrations of microphone.

In reality, communities spend 60% communication time to listen, but not very good at it because what they attained is about 25% in general. Therefore, the speaker argue that We are losing our listening It is because we invented way to record something (writing and audio recording), which make "carefully listening" dissapeared And The world becomes so noisy that makes our auditory system hard to listen. To tackle this, the speaker offers 5 ways, namely silent 3 minutes per day to reset and calibrate our ear, practice in "the mixer" situations (in crowded) on how many sounds do we hear, savering, attempt on listening positions, and pay attention on RASA (Receive information, Apreciate it, Summarise it and Ask to someone closers).
ramzi06   
Aug 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The existence of high connectability through electronic letters makes people unsociable [2]

Greetings Mr Halim
Such a pleasure having opportunity to share knowledge in writing ielts..

In modern era, telecommunication ishas become the highlighted issue ...
... high connection through electronics letter (I'm not sure that word "letter " is appropriate, just change it into mail) makes them unsociableanti-social. (this word has similar meaning to not sociable) I think that technology has transferred too much progress, sotherefore I disagree with it.

Note : Modern era is the era that continue from several years ago to now, therefore you should use present participle.

... internet has become an one of access for connecting ...
This statement is will be supported withby the matter dealing ofwith people (please state what matter dealing with people in this sentence because of unclear meaning)

That's all,, thanks
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS 1, describing bar chart of domestic products growth in different type of countries [2]

The graph below shows the average growth in domestic products in wealthy countries, countries that have adopted a global approach to business and countries that have not

The bar chart illustatres the changes of percentage of domestic products in three different categorized countries throughout four decades. In the first glance, globalisers are the countries where show an increasing trend in a row since 1960s to 1990s while wealthy countries experience the reverse trend. A high gross income was clearly seen in both globalisers and wealthy countries.

At initial period (1960s), wealthy nations acquired the highest percentage of annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) at over 4.5% compared to others, globalisers and non-globalisers were approximately 1.4% and 2.2% respectively. It then contrasted to the end of period (1990s) which the figure exhibited the domination of gross income of developing nations adopting a global method to business at nearly 5 per cent.

Looking at the details of each trends, 1960s-1990s witnessed a gradual decline of rich countries, meanwhile there was a moderate rising In globalisers countries. Interestingly, the proportion of GDP among three groups was more or less 3 per cent in 1970s.
ramzi06   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The effect of refinements in travel times duration for different form of transportation in the city [2]

Greetings Mrs sofi,
It is my pleasure to share knowledge in this forum,

Taxi was the most expensive form of transportation amount ( amount is for uncountable) charged €1.80 per kilometre. For comparison, amount about €4.00 per kilometre people (this word is not necessary) are should be paid for the cheapest vehicle in the city.

Please pay more attention on the subject verb agreement and tenses, most of ielts test taker (include me) have lack of this.

That's all, thanks
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 :Time and Costs to Go Around The City [3]

Such a pleasure to meet you again,
Here is my correction for yours.
Please look at the data carefully,

... to use is taxi for about 10 minutes (should be 9 minutes) while the least (it should not least but longest , least mean spend little time) time is by using (by bus/using bus is enough instead of by using bus) bus.

Note : please insert time "before the improvement" in this paragraph so that the reader realize it without searching on the data.

Also be very carefully and consistent on the tenses. In the first sentence of the first paragraph, you use past but suddenly you change it into present for the rest sentences.
ramzi06   
Aug 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / A Carnival, not A Crusade. Essay about the influence of Rio Olympic Games to Brazil [4]

Greetings Mr
I admire your article. You write it clearly and use appropriate high vocabulary level.
Just one or two slight mistakes

However, Brazil is suffering (you mention since 1930s, means that this occasion occur from 1930 until now) has suffered its worst recession since the 1930s, perhaps of all time.

... in the first quarter of this year;it is it was 5% smaller than it was a year earlier.

Over two years,the number of jobless Brazilians
Please avoid "jobless", it is too harsh. Change it with unemployment or people who seeking job opportunity.

That's all,
Please cmiiw,
ramzi06   
Aug 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / According to the graph, British people spent approximately 170.000 pounds on photographic film [3]

Greetings again Mrs intan
Just share what come up in my mind,

Please use others vocabulary on word "spent" like expend, or change this word into noun, like :
The spending / expenditure of Germany people were at ... In year....
This may lead you to get higher score in lexical resources category.

While Italians paid more money for personal stereos, tennis racquets and perfumes than French.
As far as I know, "while" is used to compare two sentences,
Ex : while I stay in here, people choose to go holiday in weekend.

Germans (it is not refers to germany's people) residents in Germany were the lowest overall consumers, which ...

That's all, thanks
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Source of table by IELTS Cambridge, Test 1 - travel destinations [2]

Greetings Mr / Mrs fadilah,
Just let you know what came up in my mind.
I still don't understand why you change all the sentence in present but you state the year that occur in the past.
This may lead you to use inappropriate tenses.
My suggestion is better to adjust the sentence by the time period you'll mention.

The largest number of people went to holiday is in 1998 with 20,700 visitors. In comparison, the least figure is in 1995, with 14,489 persons. The traveler's reasons (please break down what all the reason) to go abroad with other reason is the least with 990 ...

Please check subject verb agreement also, as you mention several popular destination(s) but you state "is" in your conclusion.

In addition, you state similar sentence in thesis statement (the most popular destination is Western Europe) and conclusion (Western Europe is the most popular destination to travel.)

Please paraphrase it.

That's all, thanks
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The death rate is projected to incline and reach over 0.7 percent in Scotland from 2016 to 2020 [2]

The line chart illustrates the changes of demographic trends in Scotland between 1940 and 2020. Generally speaking, birth rate dominated as the highest trend from 1940 to the present. Though all rates tended to decrease slowly in the past, death rate is predicted to show gradual rise.

At the beginning, birth percentage stood at about 2.5 % which was the peak point throughout 80 years while the others were at nearly 1.5% and 0.9% respectively. The resemblance trend was shown in the figure between the alteration of birth and population until 1990. It was true since they experienced decline fluctuation to below 0.8%. the moderate plunge to 0.4 percent and nearly steady changes was revealed in death rate before 2010.

2016 to 2020 witnesses the flip over trend for birth and death rate. Whilst death rate is projected to incline and reach over 0.7 percent, the other will remain constant at 0.5 percent. Interestingly, the population growth was the only category that dropped down to zero level.

CMIIW




ramzi06   
Aug 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The most Bulgarian aged 15-60 planned to stay in their country with no intentions of emigration [3]

Greetings Mrs Intan Pandora.
In my opinion, your writing looks academic at all, however it still need few adjustments in order to be powerful.

... Bulgarian people age 15-60 concerning (need preposition) ON leaving their country in 2001 and 2006. The most striking feature is that most Bulgarian in age 15-60 planned ...

Please avoid to use double superlative.. better for you to state "Generally speaking" instead of "the striking feature".
take for example : generally speaking, most Bulgarian in age 15-60 planned to settle in the same period.

According to the graph, thrThe percentage of Bulgarian citizen who wanted to still leavingleave in their country decreased ...
Following that, there was a smallslight fall in the figure (...) time which was at 9% in 2001 and at 5% in 2006.

Note :
"Small" is not appropriate to figure trend movement. you may use "minor" or "slight"

That's all
CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / What Do You Know About the Common Cold? [3]

Greetings Mrs sestria,
I am pleased to read your writing. However I'm afraid that you need to few adjustments, particularly in paragraph 1, because it is crucial when you want to attract reader.

Some people says if we getting cold it can give us a cold , but Ranit Mishori as medicine doctor at Georgetown University (...) said that colds are most frequently occurring in winter, ...

Sneezing, handshakes, or coughing on one other would make common ...

Some people (plural subject) should followed by say/argue/claim/believe, not says (only for singular)

If + subject + verb + object/adverb , subject + modal (can/will/shall) + object/adverb
So this sentence probably like this :
If we are in coldness, we will get a fever/cold,

But let me help you to adjust your writing in order to be sounds academic,

Some people believe that coldness in some situations will lead us easily to get fever/cold. Dr. Ranit Mishori, physician at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington, argue that this is usually caused in winter season while the temperature drop to below 10 degree. Sneezing, handshakes, and coughing are several indicator to know if someone is getting cold.

That's all,
Thanks

CMIiW (correct me if I'm wrong)
ramzi06   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / The expenditure on Photographic is the highest amongst all other consumer goods of Britain [2]

Greetings Mr Jack Jiang,
Just sharing several information regarding to your writing.

The chart shows the differences of the expenditure on ...
It sounds more academic if you change like this :
The chart shows/informs/illustrates the comparison of six consumer goods expenditure among four European countries, Britain, France, Italy and Germany.

Overall, people in Britain spend ... Specifically, the expenditure on Photographic is the highest amongst among all other consumer goods of Britain...

Overall, British citizens/citizens in Britain dominated all consumer products. Although Italian people consistently expend equal or over 150 thousand pound sterling, Germany experience the reverse.

That's All
Thanks

CMIIW
ramzi06   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary by Julia Galef, Why you think you are right even if you are wrong [3]

Why someone have convinced to be guilty even if they are right ?. this question leads us to the "soldier mindset" which emphasize the way we interpret information by taking one side without considering another side. People, in this situation, believe that few ideas/information are likely to be our ally while others ideas are judged as the opposite regardless of discovering others evidence first. The scariest things about this mindset is "someone may think they are objective and fair-minded meanwhile they ruin life of innocent people". This may results in unhealthy relationship among each others.

The strategy to tackle this, according to Julia Galef, is by converting our perspective into "scout mindset". Scout main set is the point of view in which drives to get an accurate information as much as possible even if that is unpleasant or inconvenient. What make someone think as this mindset are emotional and curious. They feel pleasure to look for evidence as similar as solving puzzle and are open-minded of any argument/new evidence. The consequence is not only improving the way we judge someone but it also proofing the reality.
ramzi06   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'How to Explore the Pantanal' - article [2]

Greetings Mrs Selvi,
just sharing for several information regarding to your wrting,

It is a part of nation park probably you want to mention "national park"
and UNESCO world Heritage site which considerate a serious region of the world ...

Better for you to state :
It is a part of national park and UNESCO world heritage site as a protected area in which more than 1000 species of fish, mammals, birds,amphibians, and reptiles live.

This article suggest an advice if you visited to Pantanal.informs the reader The best time to go there to see mind-bogging concentrations of wildlife clustered around water pit is in the dry season between March and September (additional information). The flooded and receding water (what do you mean this one?) is special among photographers.

That's all
Thanks
ramzi06   
Aug 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary, the skill of self confidence from Dr. Ivan Joseph [3]

What is the important of confidence ? some people said, "without that skill, it will be nonsense to be a player." This sentence means that when someone lose sense of confidence on each person, they are not going to get anything or we can say "they are done". According to Dr. Ivan Joseph, Self confidence is the ability to believe in yourself in order to accomplish all tasks and It does not matter what the difficulty we will face. More importantly, He claimed that this skill was able to be trained by autodidact as well as by training program.

One of the pivotal method to learn this skill is practice, practice and practice because this skill is not novel ability. By doing so, lots of pressure or even negative talk that come up from others will be tackled soon. However, this usually depend on him/herself because no one else will put a trust If that person does not believe on him/herself. Other way that is suggested by the speaker is by finding the clue on how to decrease error during the practice season. Ignoring what people say while taking into account on good advice are the effective steps to achieve free-error throughout exercise. Additionally, creating positive perception in what individual does is also the key to secure the this skill.
ramzi06   
Aug 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Do you ever heard about Superfood? [5]

Greetings Mr. Farid Adwi. It is my pleasure to know you here,
In this opportunity, I would like to share the information related to your writing.

Have ,Having a health body is not an easy thing. FYI : When you want to put Primary Auxiliary Verb (like : have), you should change it into gerund,

Note: please avoid mistake in the first sentence,
There are many products which promise to get healthy body without do exercise or consume healthy food namely "superfood".
It is better for you to write it down like :
Many products which offer gaining body fit instantly are usually called "superfood".

Many people believe with consume superfood can make their body healthier and they think that although they have poor diet and low activities they still get healthy body .

probably like this : Many People believe that consuming superfood regularly will contribute on achieving healthier body even tough they have lack of diet programs and sport activities.

Note : Please avoid to repeat similar meaning in one sentence (refers to blue color).

That's all,
Thanks
ramzi06   
Jul 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Lofty tax and significant improvement of public transportation as a solution for too many cars [2]

Greetings Mr. Defry,
Just share something that come up in my mind, don't forget to correct me if I made mistakes

The flow of your essay is interestingly presented. Also the usage of rare vocabularies on each paragraph are, in my opinion, are accurate and lift the essay level into the high level category. However, some words may used inappropriate take for example like this :.

Introduction :
Yet, it will become (perhaps just use Becomes ) the primary need of some people in developing countries

Paragraph 3 :
you mention the words "firstly" but in the next sentences, the connection word suddenly change into eventually,
perhaps it is better to remove words "firstly" or may use any other appropriate connection sentences,,

That's all, thanks.
ramzi06   
Jul 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cars, apart of the private transportation, has recently sold to many people in developing countries. [3]

Question :

More and more people in developing countries are purchasing cars for the first time.
What problems does this cause ?
What do you think are possible solutions?


Response :

Cars, apart of the private transportation, has recently sold to many people in developing countries. This fact, in my point of view, triggers widespread issues at these countries, such as air pollution and highly traffic jam potential. Therefore it is required short term respond to tackle this.

Needless to say that air pollution generated from the automobiles establish slowly environment devastation in the future. it occurs since each of them emit carbon dioxide resulting of combustion process, typically for diesel machine. Once the carbon dioxide spread, the air will naturally be polluted and cause limited oxygen for breathing. Health bureau of Iceland released trend of carbon dioxide percentages in atmosphere since January 2015 to December 2015. This article presented increasing trend from the first period approximately 1 % (19.35% in January). therefore, the tendency of "devastation is going to be unstoppable in contaminating environment'' is hard to stop. this issues only need to reforestation the empty land by planting trees that absorb huge carbon dioxides and change it into oxygen

Another impact that probably needed to be considered is highly potential of traffic jam in any roads. when the amount of vehicles in such areas rise without clear regulations, then the traffic jam caused by too many of them will never be avoided like in Ireland, 2013 where over 1900 cars drove across in the main roads caused 3 hours stuck in and this country lost potential money about $ 300.000.

According to aforementioned fact above, fast resolution from government is needed. One of the idea come from the improvement of safety mass transportation. Developing public transportation namely train and bus is offered to solve the issues as they can transport many passengers on each trip with affordable cost.

To sum up, Buying Cars without controlling it will enable creating many transportation issues. Thus, I believe government should solve this problem, for instance by developing integrated mass transportation system.