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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 406)

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Stanford Experience Essay

7 - The entire essay sort of suffers from focusing on an experience that stoked your enthusiasm for engineering, when that...

Undergraduateaan027 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
'history and international situations' - UT essay: important issue

9 - Could you demonstrate some of your key points with specific examples? For example? As evidenced...

Undergraduatespalash9_9 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay

9 - And the first sentence in most of these paragraphs does sort of act as a topic sentence anyway. ...

Undergraduaterediat - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
Medical Secondary

26 - Yep. Your essay are normally fairly strong to being with, and with your commitment to revising them as strenuously...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
Capital Punishment (the death penalty) Essay. Should be allowed or not?

11 - I was thinking more of getting free labor from bound people, especially people who have proven themselves criminally inclined....

Undergraduateorlando - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
"Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay

3 - As Sean said, it's "could have" not "could of." Where does this common error come from? could...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 17, 2009
"Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique?

9 - I agree that this is a strong essay and I can see the passion you have for danceing, but...

Undergraduatellunachick2319 - Jul 4, 2009 / FoxyKittie14 - Jul 15, 2009
Are there any experiences or accomplishments that helped define you as a person

5 - Right. Everybody says that they have overcome obstacles and become stronger as a result. The idea is to...

Undergraduatebianxii08 - Jul 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduates essay to UCF

5 - I agree with sean, i don't think this essay answers either of the questions. Try to expand on your...

UndergraduateBallerinaskap - Jul 4, 2009 / krisdp25 - Jul 13, 2009
The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son

4 - Additionally, you might want to add a bit at the end in which you tie the values your dad...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 11, 2009
Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University)

7 - It's okay to say that you are an avid reader -- I just wouldn't mention that you read...

UndergraduateSeebConnect - Jul 2, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 6, 2009
i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ?

5 - Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and after reading...

UndergraduateKTZ - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
"Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :)

5 - The experience itself is sort of interesting -- a coincidence of symptoms that awakens with in you an awareness...

Undergraduatepaircorner - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
The personal statements for University of Wisconsin,

3 - Both of these statements are very strong. I like the story-telling approach in the second, especially. You say that...

Undergraduatekw106 - Jul 3, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 4, 2009
"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?

6 - I think this is a good start, but you have to be specific of what program you are applying...

UndergraduateNickT - Jun 23, 2009 / kw106 - Jul 3, 2009
'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school

17 - "It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma" =...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
An appeal letter for Business Management Admission !

6 - Try rewriting your appeal letter using only 60% of the words you currently do, and eliminating every instance of...

UndergraduateDannyBoy - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes

3 - Yep, verbiage aplenty here. (Isn't "extra verbiage" redundant?) In any event, try to say what you want to say...

UndergraduateMayada - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems

8 - In general, "kid" should be avoided. And I agree. You're ready to send it in, which I expect...

UndergraduateCharlie221133 - Jun 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 1, 2009
"I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay.

5 - Interesting read. Try to cut down on the double statements, 'unsafe and unstable' . They're unnecessary, and they slow...

Undergraduaterpwal7 - Jun 27, 2009 / Charlie221133 - Jun 30, 2009
"My Mom" - help with most influential person essay.

5 - The essay isn't even particularly good in this regard, either. Your mom taught you dedication and perseverance! Wow!!...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jun 30, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 30, 2009
My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques?

6 - You could just delete the first sentence, and that would help a fair bit. You still wouldn't have the...

UndergraduateJennameister - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be?

6 - You just need to speak from the heart while also answering the prompt. You might talk about how you...

Undergraduateprasun8463 - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay

11 - Thanks again, Simone and Sean! :)...

UndergraduateEalgian - Jun 25, 2009 / Ealgian - Jun 28, 2009
'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic

5 - Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This highlights a wider problem with your use of language -- you tend...

Undergraduatecutestchloe - Jun 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 27, 2009
"My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay

9 - Followed shortly thereafter by "there is" and "there are," though this will require some rephrasing rather than simple deletions....

Undergraduatedblaze98 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance)

10 - When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction, I should have sought counseling but I did...

Undergraduategodlyatheist - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 26, 2009
"experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement

7 - It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be....

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 21, 2009 / Liebe - Jun 26, 2009
Topic for my personal statement (characteristics, family history, culture)

3 - A lot of people have this problem, but really, there is no need to worry. No one in...

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
Show how my university studies affect my career future?

11 - Thank EF_Sean for your suggestions so much. I will repair and complete my essay....

Undergraduatephanphuongngan - Jun 23, 2009 / phanphuongngan - Jun 25, 2009
FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge")

10 - It sounds like it was your father who was not there for you, even though the rest of your...

Undergraduatebugie09 - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 24, 2009
"No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement

26 - For introductory clauses, just remember that the modifier always, always, always modifies the noun that comes directly after...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 24, 2009
Need help with question - news story that will shape my future

11 - Of course, if CarlosGarcia19 is the sort of person who is specifically interested in related research questions, then...

UndergraduateCarlosGarcia19 - Jun 22, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 23, 2009
Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet)

11 - That about sums my own view of the matter, too. I suspect that the vast majority of application...

UndergraduateItaly - Jun 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 22, 2009
When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger - challenge

8 - It depends upon the criteria used to select scholarship recipients. If they are looking for someone who has accomplished...

Undergraduateatikin - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 22, 2009
'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA

11 - Yes, it would only take a sentence or two to specify your new study habits. It is, of course,...

UndergraduateDrudoy - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 21, 2009
Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent

12 - "but I knew that the best way to find answers in life was to go out into the world...

Undergraduatearoundandaround - Jun 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 18, 2009
"Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction

13 - I'll just say again that I really like this introduction. In addition to being fresh and engaging, the allusions...

Undergraduatelewa - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 16, 2009
Skills Test Essay Seneca college (fall 2009)

6 - Ask the college. Most colleges that use skills tests provide example tests from previous years....

UndergraduateAna - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 16, 2009
The importance of Register in Marketing professions

7 - The question really, really doesn't make sense. I was wondering if there was a concept of "register" in marketing...

Undergraduateroxygirllie - Jun 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 13, 2009
Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community'

11 - It's not snobby to sing your own praises in an admission essay!...

UndergraduateSnowblind - Jun 3, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 12, 2009
Master' s Degree in Social Work - admission essay

3 - You say that "During my work period I got an opportunity to closely observe every political, criminal and social...

UndergraduateJoe_7 - Jun 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 12, 2009
UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising?

6 - You know, in Sociology there's a "Front and backstage." People would rather not hear things which make them...

UndergraduateTachy - May 27, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Jun 10, 2009
UCF Essay:Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ("Christmas 1997")

3 - Right, you say that ECF has "much to offer." If you really did look at a lot of different...

UndergraduateDeMoney30 - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 8, 2009
short answer on extracurricular activities (need to reduce the word count)

3 - To make this a real learning experience, compare Gautama and Notoman's versions -- which stay close to your own...

Undergraduateadanne1990 - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 8, 2009
Personal Essay/Personal Statement, "connection between me and science"

10 - Okay, but you see how the original phrasing was confusing. Simone and I each interpreted it differently, and we're...

Undergraduateadanne1990 - May 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 8, 2009
Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics)

5 - When revising for this sort of error, try reading what you have written aloud. Whenever you pause in your...

UndergraduateEssi - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 8, 2009
"To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field?

14 - Thanks very much for all of your help. EF Simone: I will gladly critique other's essays on this website....

UndergraduateDancingDoc - May 26, 2009 / DancingDoc - Jun 8, 2009
brief essay explaining your educational and career goals

7 - Also, when you post your new thread, try including a rough draft of whatever you can come up with...

Undergraduatefuzzy - Jun 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 5, 2009
If you were refrained one year from going to college, what would you do?

3 - You discuss yourself in an oddly hypothetical manner: "If I did not live in Georgia," "my Job (if I...

Undergraduatelamar199324 - Jun 5, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 5, 2009
'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam

13 - However, the word "foreigner" is not in and of itself pejorative, as certain ethnic slurs are. If it has...

UndergraduateFederico - May 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 3, 2009
"Son,I want you to be an owner of a big department store";Ryerson - Retail Management

4 - Thanks for your suggestions guys. I will make adjustments to my essay....

Undergraduatesohelmatrix - May 31, 2009 / sohelmatrix - Jun 1, 2009
American Summer Camp in Kayrakkum, Tajikistan

4 - Well, why do you want to attend the camp? Is it to broaden your mind? Meet new people? Experience...

UndergraduateShade45 - May 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 31, 2009
LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF

7 - I second that emotion!...

Undergraduateemilysm - May 29, 2009 / EF_Simone - May 31, 2009
Essay about my self: Introducing Yourself to Your Instructor

6 - If I were you, firstly I will think of which one aspect of yourself can mostly attract your Instructor.Then...

Undergraduatespider20092002 - May 14, 2009 / eric_ly - May 30, 2009
Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply?

12 - That's a good suggestion even if your interest is sincere. When writing an application of any kind -- job...

Undergraduatenuri - May 25, 2009 / EF_Simone - May 29, 2009
Personal Essay (the college of Medicine)

3 - Simone, I'm so glad you mentioned "indecision." I could not find the words to express what I wanted to...

Undergraduatesammour - May 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 25, 2009
University of Wisconsin essay help - technically I am transferring

6 - I'd say the essays are pretty important, if only because they show how much a student wants to get...

Undergraduatenodnarb402 - May 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 23, 2009
A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something

22 - Your verb use is fine, as far as strength goes. I suspect that you have sometimes sacrificed grammatical accuracy...

Undergraduateivan9210 - May 7, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 23, 2009
people set the goals in the life which they think they can achieve

6 - Thanks a billion Kevin, I will surely do these things. No I don't have to write sepecifically about...

UndergraduateIndian - May 19, 2009 / Indian - May 21, 2009

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