Graduate / Struggles of an African in South Korea - IMPROVing MY WRITING for a future position [5]

Hi Frank, my apologies if you think I'm trying to get into a debate with you, rest assured that this is never the intentions of posting or reviewing your essay. My point is, as what you've mentioned, Korea has a stronger discriminatory nature than in Ukraine and China, having said that, I believe you agree that, in every country, there is a certain way that people think of other people, even their own, let alone foreigners. Now, editing your essay and every single post here on EF is our main goal, with the hopes of creating an even stronger and confident writing project, moreover, we also try and strive in giving insights to everyone, in order to create a good team atmosphere, don't get us wrong when we mention or we go against what you think or see and even experience in a country you visited or you lived in.

You can expect that here on EF, we will not only edit or suggest further enhancements in your essay or projects, we also want you to learn from us, as we learn from you.

Moreover, I didn't mention and have no intention of judging or saying that you didn't respect the law of the land, what I meant was, when we go and visit a foreign land it is just and recommended that we follow the rule of the land, just like anywhere else and I believe that this is true when people would go and visit Africa too.

Nevertheless, I did read and understood as well as reviewed your essay and as a conclusion, I believe it needs a little help in creating far better sentences that will convey the message you are tying to pass on to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Some high schools require all students to wear school uniforms. [4]

Hi Dhani, in the beginning of your essay, I immediately notice the missing links, minor details such as linking verbs that is necessary in order to create the full sense of the sentence. To elaborate this observation, please find the corrections below;

- In some high school, it is a policypolicies
- tothe freedom ofto wear any dress in school.
- Both policies have their own advantages,
- buthowever, I believe that ina high school
- studentsis required to wear school uniform.
- For some reason I will mention some of the reasonsin below paragraphs .

- OnTo begin with , School uniform
- consumeconsuming tofor wear
- thenthenthan other attires because
- if students are wearing different cloths
- so they are use time forto decide the
- new cloth in everyday and consequently waste of the time.
- Uniforms are cheaper soand will benefit for the needy students.
- Furthermore, students are habituatedcostumed to wearing daily
- school uniform so they can easily wearing and school uniform never get complicated it is comfortable then other cloths.

There you have it Dhani, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, valuable to your revision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Agreement or Disagreement of Saving Money Rather Than Paying Tax [4]

Hi Faiza, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and valuable to your writing reference, we strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback and review, in order for you to feel confident in submitting your project.

Moving forward,I immediately notice the need to reconstruct most of your sentences, so here we go;

- Working peoplewho are being workers want to save their
- earnings for livingto live on.
- Some of them suggest that they do not have to pay their salaries'tax duty
- Based onHaving said that,
- and not paying the taxes.

- First of all, many people like to work for earning money
- theirssalary for their future life or
- just for their living on currentlyto live comfortably .
- taken pains for theirpart of the countries painscountry .
- However, it is just one of theirthe reasons to
- exempt them from the obligation of paying taxes.

There you have it Faiza, as you can see, there's quiet a lot of modifications to be done for your essay, however, everything can be learned, so don't stop practicing and honing your skills in writing, having said that, I left the rest of the essay, for you to practice editing your essay yourself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Make A Hobby Become A Job [3]

Hi Farida, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- Many people maketurn their hobbies
- become theirinto jobs in order
- to feel comfortget comfortable and enjoy when
- they have to do the work.
- ByIn loving what they do,
- they will feel happy whatever it is .
- makemaking their family happier
- than only doing what they love but their family not .

- When inhabitanta person enjoys the job
- as part oflike their hobbies,
- they will give their best and get maximalmaximum result.
- For example, many people likelove to take
- a pictures of a landscape
- or peoples expression,
- and they make it as their jobturn to be a photographer.
- Also they can gain money from it although it is not much.- this sentence is not necessary

There you go Farida, for future writing reference, I suggest that you read a lot, expand your vocabulary an d make sure that you experiment on different words, of course, be cautious with the meaning of the words that you incorporate in your sentences.

Graduate / Struggles of an African in South Korea - IMPROVing MY WRITING for a future position [5]

Hi Franklin, I have a few thoughts to share.
First of all, as a foreigner to a land, one can expect discrimination, there is a certain level of course, however, as it is not your own, you should be ready to this kind of welcome and even more so, prepare for the worst, this is the right attitude that you should prepare yourself whenever you visit, let alone stay and be a resident of the country. Korea, like most countries that is ruled by strict policies and rulers, you have to be very careful and cautious with your actions, also, it is recommended to follow the rule of the land, which applies to everywhere a person goes.

Moving on to your writing style, I believe this essay can be enhanced with the focus on your sentence construction, you tend to pour a lot of ideas in one sentence, with the hopes that this will boost the sense or the thoughts of the essay, the truth is, it makes a very confusing sentence that affects the entire essay and this will bring the essay down.

Furthermore, the essay says "Struggles of an African in South Korea", you managed to portray the exact approach and response for the essay, however, as South Korea became your home for a while, I believe it will not hurt if you input a little bit of good stuff by the end of the essay, now, don't get me wrong, I understand the struggles you went through but I know that you also gained from this experience and lastly, I strongly believe that, in every experience that life throws at us, there is always a lesson to be learned.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED's : art make unusual stuff [4]

Hi Adi, here's my take on your summary;

- Alexa Meade talks about yourour biological features is her canvas ,
- due to the fact that She forms anthis is evident in her Acrylic painting
- of such a male,yet she does not utilize canvas as media.
- She painteds it immediately on top of the man when she wants to make a portrait,
- and it is able to photographtherefore she's able to capture it from any angle.
- the light changed and all of suddens .
- However, this brought ais difficult to keep on flickering lights before her eyes.
- She has so much fun within this process,
- some side because hea different angle and could have a very specific image.

There you have it Adi, overall, the summary is quiet confusing, your sentences are very jammed up, I believe you have the idea in your head, however, you were not able to formulate or construct a well structured essay.

I hope this revision helps.

Writing Feedback / Exhibiting ability in front of television becomed popular among citizens all around the world [2]

Hi Atikah, below are thoughts on your essay, I hope the corrections will enhance your essay and be ready for submission.
I would like to focus on the last two paragraphs of the essay as I believe this is where the enhancements are needed.
However, before we start with the modification, I would like to share that, though there are a lot of effects of television in our lives, as a form of entertainment, it also yield loads of valuable lessons specially to our kids, of course with proper supervision, this interaction is very effective and important.

Please find the suggested corrections below;

- However, few television stations use the shows
- just for entertainment.
- Most of them pretended they would searched brilliant talents,
- but then end up makehaving their relatives as an artist.
- Although, it doesn't always have to be a bad thing because,
- if their relatives have ahas great talent
- and follow the given rules, so it was nothere should not be any problem.

- In conclusion, I thinkbelieve using television
- channels to find talented citizensartists is a wonderful thing.
- Peoplescan change their lives in a way
- that they never imagined.
- process so it's unworkable toin order to avoid
- cheatting and into turn intocreate a successful person.

There you have it Atikah, the corrections are our suggestions that will hopefully create an even stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / SUMMARY : How Netted Birds Can Actually Help Conservation [3]

Hi Sofi, below are my thoughts and enhancements on your summary.

- elaborates relating to how netted birds can support conservation.
- He is interested in series photographs
- which is integrated between
- Aubudon's famously illustrations and
- Americas from 2006 to 2014 to make his
- dream becomingcome true.
- He used unique ways to photograph birds by
- makingcreating portraits while
- birds are caught in mistmesh nets for temporarily.

There you have it Sofi, I left the last few sentences of the summary in order for you to practice editing it yourself by following the above corrections. I hope this helps and for future writing reference, mind the right form of words that you incorporate in your summary and pretty much in all the writing projects that you will have. The right form of words will bring your essay to a different level and it will be easier to understand, this way you are also able to effectively convey your message to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Science Qualification in Malaysia and Singapore - IELTS Task 1 [3]

Hi Fayna, below are my thoughts on your analysis.

- The bar graph informsprovides information on the qualifications
- there is a significantly low proportion
- of people who hold sciencethis qualifications,
- in S cience from universitiesat a university level studies.
- The highest percentage in both countries wasare the people who

- A closer looks toat the data reveals that, in Malaysia,

- Apart ( apart - is all one word ) from previous comparison,
- in Singapore, 60% people who does not involved in science.
- People from universities stage in Singapore,
- that iswho holds a Master's and Bachelor's degree
- havehas low percentage of science qualification,

There you have it Fayna, I hope the above remarks helped and is valuable to your revision.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP) 2017. [2]

Hi Pisal, while it is necessary to address all the prompts for this personal statement, I suggest that you take it a few prompts at a time, this way you will give the reviewers, a much needed break to catch up and analyze the essays, as a result, this will also result to a better revision and a more confident essay to be submitted.

Having said that, I would like to take this, one prompt at a time starting with the second prompt, as the first one has already been reviewed;

My brief personal background in family and education
- I wasam the third son in
- a family of six including my father, mother, eldest sister, elder sister, me, and my youngest brother . - you don't need to elaborate your family tree, saying you are a family of six is just a necessary information

- Although later myMy father has passed
- I still have been brought
- As I am growing bigger and biggergrew up ,
- Since I am a cool-headed and
- By the way, about my education, as a child in a typical family in a rural area,In academics,
- a bit earlierearly than most

For the other part of this prompt, I would suggest that you summarize it, as the prompt says it's a brief essay on academics and family, therefore, you don't need to elaborate this part of your family and the stages you have gone through in school.

I will get back to you for the next part of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The road was by far the most popular of four means of transport; delivery goods by pipeline was rare [4]

Hi Jenlisa, below are additional suggestions to enhance your analysis.
First of all, when writing, don't forget the minor details such as the linking verbs, the punctuation marks as well as how the sentence is being constructed, this plays a huge role in the overall outcome of the essay.

Furthermore, this analysis is well formulated, accurate to the details presented in the graph, this is critical as you are writing an analysis, it should be the same value stated in the graph and you wrote it in a way that is understandable and your readers can easily comprehend. However, I believe it can still be modified, please find the corrections below;

- It is clear that the road wasis, by far,
- the most popular of the four means
- of transporting goods over the period shown.
- It was uncommon to deliver goods bythrough a pipeline.

- pipeline all increased,

- the amount of goods transported by road wasranked the highest,

There you have it Jenlisa, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more sio, valuable to your revision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - More and more works is done by the machines. [2]

Hi Rere, upon reviewing the essay, I must say is is written comprehensively thorough, it has all the necessary information needed to put your opinion out there and this is a very important technique when you're writing and I know that you know this very well.

Furthermore, the essay is taking current events, events that are happening in todays generation, you were able to relate the reality of life and all there is that machines has to offer to make life easier and more comfortable. At the end of the day, comfortability is what we need in order to create that harmony in life and more often than not, with proper use and the responsibility coupled with it, technological breakthroughs are definitely helpful and valuable to our existence.

Overall, there are still minor enhancements that can be done such as the right form of the words, the input placements as well as your verb forms and to give you some examples, please find below;

- world and this is undoubtedly true.
- Therefore, the government should be wiselyenough in addressing this issue.

There you have it Rere, I hope this review helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Scholarship / I learned that success was collective, not personal. [2]

Hi Juan, as I review the essay, I believe it is written well, though what I observed and if I'm not mistaken, I have warned you about this before, you cannot keep giving the same information as part of every essay that you are writing. You see, the previous essays you submitted, you mentioned about, how getting your green card was your ticket to success, though this information if pertinent to your success, you cannot keep on adding this information to each and every content of your essay. This will not only look like you don't have anything else to write, but will also create that notion that you just copied the idea of your previous work and you did not really think about your essay, which of course is not the case, but it may create such confusion.

Further to your essay, you should focus on a futuristic approach as this is what is asked of the essay, let's simply put it like this, you have been participating for STEM program, what will then keep you on persevering or trying your hardest to keep up with the pace of the program and commit yourself to the service of becoming a leader. This are the information needed in this essay and not the background and how you got your academic achievements.

The revision should be focused on the content that talks about your plans on how to conquer and stay on top if the STEM program, this should not be hard for you though, I believe it's just a matter of immersing yourself on the task at hand and leave all the other information not necessary to this task. I hope to review your revised one soon.

Writing Feedback / Many people have more attention to artificial friends than their neighbor surroudings [2]

Hi Ayu, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website to be valuable and a credible source of reference to your writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback that targets the much needed enhancement of your essay.

Having said that, please find my suggestions below;

- In this globalization era, ( mind your punctuation marks ) electronic media
- Electronic media releasedmanydifferent
- kinds of social networking
- site which is helps people to do everything
- the world easi ly.
- However, in my personal perfectiveperspective ( turn on your spell checker before writing ) ,
- a huge beneficial to the person,benefit to people,
- I agree that they have an enermouseenormous negative effect
- which is can be damaging to individuals inon social communities.

- some people around the world
- can make a friends and have
- a good communication bythrough social media
- online without meeting each other before .
- Previously, it is hard to have a new friends and communicate with anyone outside ... - I believe this sentence can be deleted as it is not necessary for this part of the essay

- Secondly, people can buy or reserve everything via online media easly ...do online shopping, that is hugely becoming a worldwide advantage of having this break through in technology.

There you have it Ayu, overall, there's still a lot of enhancements to be done in your essay and I hope you follow through with our suggested modifications.

Writing Feedback / Do you think that emailing and texting reduce the togetherness? Writing Task 2 [6]

Hi Hikuma, below are my final thoughts for your essay;

- to do not meet their friends.
- Even distance separate them,(- this part of the sentence is not necessary as we have established the idea in the previous sentence)- M essaging and mail can ...

- They are basically not encounter directly, but they can still meetsee and
- sharingshare in cyber space indirectly.
- his/hertheir friends in abroad,
- she/he does notthey don't need
- She/heThey only needs
- ... an email and then sending it to her/histhem to friends.
- It's alsomust be cheaper than going overseas.

- In conclusions , messaging and email
- make peoplecreates an
- easier way to communicate.
- can still be closer to each other.
- As long as the internet

There you have it Hikuma, I hope this final thoughts are helpful and even more valuable to your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS: Children with Obesity (Cause and Effect) [3]

Hi Ilham, as I go through the essay, I believe you were able to address the argument clearly, you have properly elaborated the causes of the issue at hand. You managed to create that analysis that is understandable and this is a good way of sending your message across to your readers.

Moreover, the flow or the transition of the essay is well placed in a way that there is a connection of ideas from the beginning of the essay and throughout the entire article.

Indeed, obesity is an issue that is weighing heavily on a lot of families all over the world and it's one of the many diseases that we need to deal with, as soon as possible, otherwise, the consequences will be devastating.

Overall, the essay has clarity of information, the analysis you made is accurate in giving the information that is very relevant to the study, you focused on the necessary and pertinent information that elaborately showcased the purpose of the essay.

Scholarship / 'I served as the Treasurer and Events coordinator' - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [4]

Hi Aaron, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the most accurate feedback in order for you to submit a well written and confident essay.

This is my 2nd year to review articles for the Chevening Scholarships and I believe there are a lot of success stories on EF students or writers who applied to this scholarship and most of their essays are focused on the detailed elaboration of their leadership skills and I must say, I believe you had streamlined your essay to serve it's purpose which is a very good technique in approaching such writing project.

Furthermore, I have a few suggestions, though, mind your plural forms, some of the verbs or words doesn't need to plural and if they don't need to be, you don't have to, refrain from using the word "also" in the beginning of your paragraph let alone your sentence. Lastly, put your examples in the 2nd or 3rd paragraph and leave your final paragraph for your life lessons and personal opinions.

I wish you the best of luck and do let us know what happens with your application.

Writing Feedback / Do you think that emailing and texting reduce the togetherness? Writing Task 2 [6]

Hi Hikuma, below are my suggestions on your essay;

- As far as I know, people in the past time metmeets their friend directly.
- They will come tovisit their - friends'( the word "friends" does not need an apostrophe )
- home thenand spend their time - At the present time, it isNowadays, it has already changed.
- Their activity
- of everyone makes them seldom to meet.

- Fortunately, technology expandscontinue to evolve .
- to informlearn the news, - someone did not need to comeno one needs to seeto his/her friends'
-She or he onlyThey just need to - text her/his friendsthem .
- The information will sooner arrive. Throughis also passed on through email and texting,
- she/hethey can make

There you have it Hikuma, this is just a few suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay,I should be able to provide you further modifications for the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Life: How Barbershop can Keep men Healthy [4]

Hi Muhammad, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- but also a place to go for a friendship,
- soli darity and solace.
- A place that where people can
- get away from their stress which was happened with company problem,
- work assign ment, etc.
- Barbershop is also a place about
- In every visiting a barbershop,
- people will be did a talk inhave conversations .

- barbershop to be relax by doing a
- chit-chat with the other visitors, aveneven with the barber also.
- The people in the barbershop always welcome visitors ,
- they would be talk about
- But theThe most important thing is about health.
- ManyMost of the time, they
- didwill have a conversation
- about in depth health so lengthy and deep they will

There you have it Muhammad, I hope the above remarks helped in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Essay about : What does StockBroker do? [5]

Hi Coban, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, we definitely feel more energized whenever we read your feedbacks and you don't have to worry about not having English qualifications, though it's necessary for you to get one if you want to concentrate in this field, it is not a must when you just want to enhance your skills in writing.

Now, don't get me wrong, English is not an easy language, it has a lot of rules, just like when you're writing an essay with word restrictions such as this one above, however, everything can be learnt and practice will be your best friend. Reading also helps a lot in your exposure to different words that you can use in your essay. The more words you know, the more elaborate your essay will be.

Moreover, you need to make sure that the essay you're writing is true to it's purpose, that it's streamlined and not going to a different direction or jumbled ideas altogether. Having said that, write as often as you can and make sure to practice proof reading when you can.

I hope to review your revised essay and future writing projects.

Writing Feedback / Uses of Leisure Time - the best way to rejuvenate body and mind is to spend time in nature [3]

Hi Terminal123, below are my suggestions for your review;

- The researcher s are reporting higher
- levels of both stress danand obesity,
- these reports describes
- about not usingthe usage of our leisure
- to rejuvenate the body and mind is
- to spend time inwith nature and
- takingtake physical exercise at outdoor.
- is wacthingwatching television.
- Globally, the next most papularpopular is browsing the internet,
- the billions chinaof people in China .
- The third is shopping, which may be a little more active
- but is still as far from nature possible .
-ChilhoodChildhood obesity and depression
- approtimateis at epidemic levels.
- Authorities have begun to declare the problem, and a brilliant programs
- inwith nature
- are ais being introduced in every country around the world.

There you have it Terminal123, the above remarks are quiet extensive, mind your spelling, I corrected several of them and mind the construction of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Athletes vs Focus - it fills entire zone of sign is vague. Peripheral vision in sport - summary [3]

Hi Saitama, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- Athletes must be have focus to do well in their job.
- Focus in everything else that fills your entire zone of sign is vague, simply obscure with no unmistakable subtle element. _ I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence, the thing is, you used to many words that does not necessarily mean what you are trying to invoke in your sentence, just a reminder, you need to make sure that the words you choose in your essay is easy to understand, in order to answer, just in case a reader asks you of what the sentence or the essay means.

- IsIt is imperative to pay
- need to focused in our vision.
- An athlete's execution upon preparing visual capacities. - this sentence will not be able to stand on its own, what is the visual capacity of the athlete?

- The athlete's requeresrequires quick checking
- frequently compliated( do you mean "completed") ,
- the head movement must organizego with the eye to
- can visual sharpness decrease visual sharpness like differentiating

There you go Saitama, I hope the above remarks are helpful for your revision.

Writing Feedback / SUMMARY ARTICLE - PLAN A BELGIAN WAFFLE TOUR [4]

Hi Selvi, WELCOME to Essay Forum Team, at a glance, the essay you have written here needs a lot of improvement, first we deal with, what you call a person born in a country, in this case;

Born in Belgium - the person is called a Belgian
A waffle made in Belgium - Belgian waffle

Further example;
A chocolate made in Belgium - Belgian chocolate

Now, once you have a solid foundation of the the ideas to include in your essay then you start writing. Please find my suggestions below;

- folklore, but it isand it's famous with many
- diet ofin Belgium is Belgian waffle.
- there are many differences such as it is the more of snack which covered with manythe
- kinds of topping such as strawberry, chocolate, or cream
- which is available onin a lot of waffle stands.
- At 187-year-old Maison Dandoy at Rue

- the legendary cafe called the Place de la Cathédrale.
- The lastLast but not the least,
- the popular waffle of Belgium is BelgiumBelgian -wide
- Christmas and is known as one of the traditional foods belgiumdelights in Belgium .

There you have it Selvi, I hope the above remarks helped.

Writing Feedback / Essay about : What does StockBroker do? [5]

Hi Coban, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be worthy of your reference as well as your source of valuable information for your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback that will be helpful to your revision.

Now, the essay can still be enhanced, first by merging some of the paragraphs and maintain or keep the essay to a maximum of 3 paragraphs, this way, it will not only look formal, it will also make it easier for the reader to understand the transition of the ideas that you are trying to present in your project.

Furthermore, on the 2nd paragraph, I suggest the revision below;
- Before divingAs we dive into the details
- about theof a stockbroker's daily life,

Below is for the last two paragraphs;

- TheIn most of countries'( you don't have to put a punctuation mark on the word "countries") stock markets are regulated by the law.

- No manipulationsManipulation isare allowed.
- There are really though punishmentsDue punishment is tough, for those who does not
- obey the law such as fines,
- forbidden to make a trade or jail time .
- In my opinion, no bail is allowed. Because, because , It is a
- reallyan ugly situation that a
- government loose its prestigeintegrity and trust.

- beingto become a broker is a long-term learning process.
- If you do not have the required skills and patientpatience ,
- it can be clearly seen that it does not fit for you.
- ... is to discover another way of investmentsinvesting .

There you go Coban, I hope the above corrections and remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Which aspects of communication skills are the most crucial in a job? Two surveys from 1997 and 2006 [2]

Hi Nurul, here's my take on your essay.

- A breakdown of communication skills that are equally important
- officially is depicted in the table.
- The data is from the two years running, between 1997 and 2006
- and is measured in percentage.

- there were 60 percent people who acknowledged
- ... a five-percent increase ten years later .
- are indispensable initially .
- The number rose to 41 and 39 percent for both categories respectively.
- product haddid not changed as much over a one- decade period .

- communications ,
- there wasis a considerable
- number of worker who feels feel that
- for instructing people and analiyzinganalyzing problems
- together witnessed together roughly an increase of 5 percent.
- presentations are also important, at 15 and 11 percent eventuallyrespectively .

There you have it Nurul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Speedy cannabis spit test could spot people driving while high [3]

Hi Azmi, first if all, linking verbs, these verbs are very minor that are often neglected by a writer, though they may not seem to affect the overall idea of the essay, the sentences are the ones that suffer the most, this is due to the fact that, when a sentence os missing a link, it looses a very vital part to make it a whole sentence and give the exact idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.

To give you examples of this observations, please find below;

- California developed a new technology
- detected inthrough the saliva
- which is a viscous liquid within our mouth.

- Shan Wang's breakthrough in technology
- using mobile device, ( don't forget your punctuation marks too ) utilizes
- states that allow weeds for medical
- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - is for color / contrary - is for ideas ) ,

There you have it Azmi, the above are just examples of how else can you enhance your essay. I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / Pandas Get to Know Their Wild Side - article from National Geographic [9]

Hi Azmi, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope that you find this website to be a useful reference to your writing projects and we can assure you that we will take is one step at a time in order for you to get by and be ready to create one essay after another.

Now, as I go through the essay, what I notice is the fact that the sentences that you have formulated are rather constructed poorly, most of the words are not in the right format or the right tenses, this is not going to justify the ideas that you are trying to extend in this summary essay.

However, I have a few suggestions that will hopefully help you with your revision.

- China is where the popular bears are released the endangered animal
- butand it had been an unprecedented success.
- The China still havehas to make sure
- this species survivalsurvive in the conservation nature,
- however, the question remains, are the population safe in the deep forest or just keep after them in the zoo facility?

There you have it Azmi, I hope the above suggestions for your revision and should; you need further assistance, do let us know and we are here to help. Remember, practice makes perfect!

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : TED's Secret to Great Public Speaking by Chris Anderson [7]

Hi Risa, as I go through your essay, I can't help but notice that there are still a lot of necessary modifications to be done, well, this is why you posted it here on EF to get assistance, however, when you write, start by understanding the prompt. Now, don't get me wrong, you were able to understand what is asked, however, this did not transpired in the essay, what I'm saying is that, the essay can still be refined.

Moreover, on the second paragraph when you say, "In the other side", you can say, "On the other hand", this is a better way to highlight the idea that you are trying to put out.

Furthermore, I have a few suggestions for the last part of the essay which you can compress into one final paragraph;

- FourthlyLastly , make your idea
- worth to be shared.
- You can say what ishave to mind the values or - the benefits of your sayingwhat you say .
- At last, if I may add it, trying toIn the end we have to keep practice onpracticing on public speaking. Practice makes it perfect.

There you have it Risa, I hope the above remarks are useful to your revision and indeed, practice makes perfect and this is also very true in the English language.

Writing Feedback / Summary an article: Finding the right switch can solve the biggest problems [2]

Hi Nur, here's another one from my side;

- how malnutrition badly behave about less nutrition problem
- affectsin their citizen,
- during the second war world.
- The meatyThis problem
- that happenedin citizen is the part of meal problem. So, to control it. The, the citizen
- must to tryingtry another
- ButHowever , until this program it is over. - Many inhabitant stilled inpeople are short of nourishment.

There you have it Nur, I hope the above corrections help in your revision and from the previous essay or summary that you have written, it seemed that this is almost the same and the observations on your writing skills has not changed as much, however, getting better at this craft will not happen over time, therefore, practice is needed, more than ever. Furthermore, I left the last paragraph in order for you to practice editing skills yourself by following the modifications above.

Undergraduate / Discuss any obstacles and/or hardships you have encountered and how you dealt with them. [3]

Hi Aman, know what, when it comes to hardships, I believe everybody does have their own share of this part of life, as I always say, hardships, struggles and all the bitter episodes that we have and we will have for the next days to come, are the many different ingredients that make life more meaningful. As what they say, if life is always about happiness, life will not be life at all.

Moving on, I believe the essay is well managed, you made sure that there is a progress of the story that you are trying to tell your readers. What more to it, is the fact that you manage to streamline the purpose of the essay, you made sure that there is nothing more that will be talked about but the truth about our hardships and what we do to overcome them.

Further to the final paragraph of the essay, below are my suggestions;

- However, the followingpast few years,
- I had tocan offer. And, and just like that, in just a matter of just two years,

There you have it Aman, I hope this is helpful.

Writing Feedback / I need comments for my IELTS Task 1 about Burnaby Public Library (my first writing) [4]

Hi Yoga, indeed, WELCOME to the forum, we hope,like a family, you can trust us with your writing projects and rest assured that we will be here to provide you with the most accurate feedback and reference for your articles.

Having said that, I have a few suggestions for your analysis;

- To begin with ,
- than what men read,at 3000 books.
- the rate fromof women
- remarkably increased markedly
- the period of 2012 to 2013
- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - is for color / contrast - is for ideas ) ,

Overall, it is a very comprehensive analysis.

There you have it Yoga, by the way, your name is very interesting, :)
I hope the above corrections are helpful and valuable to your revision, again the above are just suggested modifications and should you decide not to follow through, that's all up to you. We hope to assist you further in your future writing projects.

Writing Feedback / Pixar: The math behind the movies [3]

HI Muhammad, below are my suggestions for your summary;

First of all, the way you plot your summary is quiet confusing, confusing because you seem to create a different strategy in approaching this writing project, different in a way that the sentences doesn't seem to fit. The construction of your ideas are very unconventional, it almost as if doesn't have any idea or thought at all, this is how confusing it is.

Anyhow, everything can be learned and one thing that can be done is to practice the language more often, create a journal where you log you progress and just simply reading, this exercises will help you a lot.

Moving on to your summary, please find the observations in the following notes;

- MakeCreating a production of a film
- is like conducting a mathematicl process,
- it is usa all thethis can be seen in almost all US movies all the time at a pixar movie.
- is works in the process
- of makemaking the move,
- scaling, multiplying , value in mathematics
- wasis also in used.

There you have it Muhammad, I hope my remarks are helpful and even more valuable to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Summary of Video: Wired Happiness [3]

Hi Nur, below are my suggestions on your summary.

- Most citizens in urban society
- always say "Life is too
- be short to be unhappy".
- HappyHappiness is a word that many people search.
- But actuallyHowever , the first question
- TheA psychologist research
- conclude that if every people
- want. But, but after they get
- all the things that they wanted they're still unhappy.
- It makes you wonder, What is the problem actually ?

- Based on the Srikumar Rao as a happiness teacher say,
- actually we have our entire
- is the habitual wanting
- that every person has in leaning unhappy life. - According to the Rao suggestionit is you - who must think
- if the outcome
- Outcome isdoes not guarantee to get happy. So forget about the outcome and focusingguarantee the process.

There you have it Nur, I hope the above remarks are helpful and for future reference, please focus on your sentence construction as this seem to be your weakest point and practice more often.

Writing Feedback / SUMMARY ARTICLE : ARE YOU SURE 2016 IS THE BLEAK HISTORY EVER? [2]

Hi Atikah, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website helpful and rather useful to your writing projects, after this suggestions, however, you can still choose which ones you think best corresponds to the prompt, rest assured that we will be here, ready to provide you with the most accurate feedback and useful tips in order to hone your skills in this craft.

Having said that, I run through your essay, this summary is rather short, but, it definitely is of the essence of a summary, it's suppose to have just the right information about the article on review and it should have the lessons you can grip out of its contents, furthermore, you made sure that the gaps, though not necessary between the paragraphs, are there to support your sentence and make more comprehensible to your readers.

However, I have a few suggestions towards the last and final sentence you have, please find this below;

- When weHaving said that 2016 is the most unpleasant year ,
- depends on the fact of history, are you sure about it?and how an individual sees it.

There you have it Atikah, I hope the above remarks are insightful and helped your revision.

Graduate / How my town takes care of the environment [4]

Hi Sharma, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- People needs a good environment
- we have a very clear instructions
- we are ropingrope 1000 numbers of plant on the Earth day.
- authoritiesauthority to cut down
- If we require to cut any tree/plant,
- then there would be 10 numbersseedlings of new trees
- has to be grown.
- pollution free by increasingpromoting awareness on greenery.

- there are still some people are using it
- free workshops,and seminars.
- We are confident that one day everyone will be aware of the value
- of a pollution free environment
- and when that day comes, our town
- would be a morewill be a beautiful and greener

There you have it Sharma, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful and for future writing reference, do focus on sentence construction as well as the use of linking verbs and tenses in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Stem cell brain injections let people walk again after stroke [4]

Hi Sofi, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- This article highlights the information
- relatingrelated to stroke suffererpatients
- According to a recent study,
- concluded by a researcher,
- stem cell into their brains.
- The i njection used main materialingredients called as
- nourish the growing brain tissue.
- The manipulation of stem cell called Notchl, whichare predominant factors to
- develop brain in infants.
- stroke suffererpatients as main
- treatment to their recovery their ability.
- abouton the right dose of cell,

There you have it Sofi, I hope the above remarks are helpful, the main issue that is preventing you in creating a well written sentence or essay is the fact that the sentences have missing links,this minor details are very crucial in coming up with a stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / Pandas Get to Know Their Wild Side [8]

Hi Riandi, before I give my review on your essay, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website valuable as much as useful towards the revision of your essay and for future writing reference. Now, as I swift through your essay, I must say, you have to focus on your sentence construction, they are somehow jumbled with too many words that is not necessary in creating the idea that you are trying to build in your essay.

To elaborate this note further, below are my thoughts;

- According to the article, in the China there are species
- of giant panda which is a cultural icon of China's pride,
- then nowhowever, they have become rare due
- to rapid human growth so thatand the land for the giant
- in china, atis 1864 species in the wild in 2003.
- To cover withrecuperate with these conditions,
- urine forto avoid young bears closelyto come closer. Because the, they also make sure that the young bears must be independent.
- The workings of this way is to move the giant panda from the zoo to the wild
- in orderis done in order to increase
- the population of the giant pandas in China.

There you have it Raindi, I hope the above remarks are useful.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that teaching students to behave well and to assess right and wrong is important. [2]

Hi Rere, WELCOME back! I'm not sure if it's just me but it seems that you've been busy lately and has not written a lot of essay. Anyhow, below are my thoughts on this writing project;

- reasons underlying on these statements which

- On the one handTo start with , it is the responsibility
- forof the teacherto educates
- the children while in the school.
- Their main duty is preparingto prepare their students
- reachesto reach their dream in the future.

- toughthough the main duty of teachers is teaching in the class,

- To sum up, indeed, a teacher's main duty is teaching
- a good figure forexamples to their students
- and collaborate well with the parents to educate the children. Therefore, they are success in terms of academic and life.- this particular one liner is not necessary in this part of the essay, I suggest to have it deleted.

There you have it Rere, I hope the above remarks helped.

Undergraduate / NC State is a community that is strong because of the diversity of our perspectives and experiences [2]

Hi Ann, below is the final leg of remarks for your essay;

- People believe that success
- livesis measured through their job title, their clothes,
- As I have mentioned before( when you say, " As I have mentioned" this action happened before, therefore, when you state, " As I have mentioned before", this is redundant ) ,

- I believe that through the combinedcombination of different ideas/perspectives,

There you have it Ann, the conclusion that you draw in this essay is pretty strong that I don't see the need of correcting it, therefore, good job on that, also, the above remarks are very minor, be cautious, once again, when it comes to your word choice, make sure that they're not redundant, make sure that it will not affect the overall outcome of the essay. Remember, there's only one chance to get to this scholarship, give it your best. Should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here to help.

Writing Feedback / Family has a bigger influence on young teens than friends. Present your agreement or disagreement. [7]

Hi Vips, thank you for acknowledging our work here on EF, it definitely makes us feel worthy of your appreciation when we read your responses and believe me when I say that here on EF, we strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback towards the confident revision of your essay and your final submission.

Now, when it comes drawing a conclusion in an argumentative essay, yes it is advisable that you draw a short one liner on the agreement or disagreement in order to refresh your readers on what they're actually reading, I would also suggest that if you will not be able to create this input towards the end due to the logical flow of ideas, don't fret, you can incorporate this idea in your conclusion and this should create a well written conclusion.

Further to IELTS expertise, I myself is familiar with the standards, however, here on EF, we don't give out points related to IELTS but rather, towards the usage of the language and how you manage to follow the English language rules.

I hope the insights are clear and should you need further assistance, we're here for you.