Undergraduate / Patterns of the Universe: Common App Personal Statement [3]

Hi Eri, this is a well-written essay indeed. You have successfully attract the reader in unusual way by the interesting story of yours. Not all people can write a personal statement that is uniquely attractive. I believe that your goal has been accomplished. However, there is no perfect writing after-all. Some additions or alterations are still needed to improve or fulfill the maximum words limit. Therefore, you can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

- First of all, you can proofread your essay more carefully, especially related to your grammatical range and accuracy. You can also avoid creating fragmented sentence (sentence that misses its subject or verb) . The last sentence of the third paragraph is one of the examples of fragmented sentence that you have created.

- Second of all, it is related to your content. This "but with the help of the community" seems come out of nowhere. You've never mentioned anything about "community" at all in your essay but why did you write with the help of community? I think that you need to elaborate more or give the reader a background what community that you mean. What kind of help that you expect? This would be beneficial in fulfilling the maximum words limit.

There you have it Eri, do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can just post the revision below my message. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: the percentage of common vehicles used by holidaymakers during their vacation in New Zealand [3]

Hi Sofi, first of all, if you want to upload a Task 1 IELTS writing, you are suggested to upload the diagram/graph/table/picture. This will help the reader/examiner read and check your essay thoroughly and easily. Therefore, it will be beneficial towards your IELTS writing skill later on.

Second of all, I think that you need to know that the MINIMUM words limit for task 1 in IELTS is 150 words. Writing 95 words would badly damage your final grade in IELTS writing, especially task 1.

Furthermore, you can see the detailed descriptions of your errors below.

1st paragraph:
- The chart illustrates information about the percentage of common vehicles used by holidaymakers during their vacation in New Zealand. (in what year?)
- According to the dataOverall, it can be seen that, public transportation becomes the dominant transportation for tourism in NezNew Zealand. (is it in 2016? recent issue? why did you use present tense form?)

2nd paragraph:
- There are two types mode(mode and types are the same) of transportation that have sameequal percentage at over 30 percent, those are plane and coach. (another present form, is it truly a recent issue?)

- ThatMeanwhile, trainis/was(I have no idea about the graphs timeline, so I wrote in two formats) operated by tourist in New Zealand athas reached 20 per cent. (period, new sentence) This is the third most august transportation. (what does August mean anyway?noble?precious? it didn't collocate well either.) The most inconvenient transportation that is rarely used forby visitors in New Zealand is boat.

There you are Sofi, I hope this would be helpful.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Cambridge 8 The Reasons and Destinations of Visit Abroad [3]

Farida, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

- The tables give... (1st sentence)
- It is measured in the number of visitors... (2nd sentence
- Overall, it can be seen that, the highest... (3rd sentence)

The second body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

-The most popular... (1st sentence)
- Other areas... (2nd sentence)
- In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Please bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. Good luck for the next practice Farida :)

Writing Feedback / 5 sleep disorders you didn't know exited [7]

Hi Sofi, the detailed descriptions below are my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

- There are 5 causeS of slept disorder that people are supposed to recognize.
- First, one of them is sleep apnoea in which a person will not breath suddenlyhave not breathed for about 10 seconds as primary symptom.
- The complicated effect is evidencedIt is indicated by the appearance of loud snoring.
- The second causeSecond, it is sleep paralysis in which it makes perform the body becomes unexpectedlybecome paralyzed during REM and is going to continue when people conscious.

- Sleep deprivation, some drugs, and sleep apnoea are the severe causeS of sleep paralysis to become exacerbating.(what do you mean by this information? It is quite confusing. I reckon that without them the sentence would be correct)

- Fourth, REM sleep disorder is indicated by shouting or striking ... (missing verb will make the sentence incomplete or inaccurate)

As you can see Sofi, I hope you can learn something from the above-mentioned corrections. Good luck for the next post :)

Writing Feedback / Summary an article : Parents Giving Unproven IQ-Boosting Drugs to Kids with Down's [3]

Hi Umar, here's my contribution towards your report summary. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- Recently, some families choose to provide drugsmedicine/cure/treatment(drugs convey negative sense to the reader) for their children withthat experience a Down's syndrome (comma is unnecessary) because they think if that medicine can be alter the part and chemistry of the brain.

- Alteration of the brain which affected by drugs can be improve the people's ...
- ButHowever , Mara Dierssen at the Centre for Genomic Regulation in Barcelona Spain says if that idea was absurd. This isbecause Down's syndrome has not been methodologically tested yet.in methodically not yet to tested for the Down's syndrome.

2nd paragraph:
- ButNevertheless , the researcher has founded that by consumingconsumethe bumetanide drugs, it will be able to block particle ...

As you can see Umar, there are a lot of works that still need to be done. You need to be more careful in composing an accurate sentence. Make sure that your sentences are mostly accurate in order to help you improve your writing skill. Good luck for the next one :)

Writing Feedback / Pixar: The math behind the movies [3]

Hi Gabriel, with regards to your question, I assume that it wasn't a contest. As I remember, it was "daily" assignments from a private institution that focuses on IELTS. Previously, they only uploaded those summaries on Facebook. I have no idea why they switched their rule to upload all of them here. This makes the website has become quite crowded recently. I just hope that moderator(s) in this forum can take an immediate action to reduce/handle the crowd.

However, I would like to keep giving my best suggestion and feedback towards the OP of this thread.

Hi Fadhil, I can see that you've confused on how to create a well-written summary. You can see my feedback in the detailed descriptions below.

- First thing first, activate your spell-checker and grammar-checker on Microsoft Word to help you notice whether the sentences or words that you have written are correct or not. Most of the writers who wrote summaries were ignoring this simple-but-effective method.

- Then, you can start write the main point of what you've heard so far. Perhaps, you can indirectly quote by saying that the speaker "Tony Derose" in TED Talks video mentioned that ..........

- Link your sentences by using proper referencing. The words "he/she", "they", "it", "this" are simple words that can link the sentences together. If you think you need more, you can use some cohesive devices such as "furthermore/moreover/in addition/additionally/many more". Well-written summary/essay is an essay/summary which has good coherent. This is also important in IELTS because coherence and cohesion is one of the four essential criteria in IELTS writing.

As you can see Fadhil, I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be beneficial towards your writing skill development later on. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / I need comments for my IELTS Task 1 about Burnaby Public Library (my first writing) [4]

Hi Yoga, welcome to EssayForum :)

Here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope that you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, it can be seen that, 2011 to 2014 witnessed a rise in the levels of books read by men compared to women.both genders experienced a growth in the level of books read in the first two years. Eventually, females witnessed a decline at the end of the period while males stayed an upward trend and surpassed the women.(as you can see, one more sentence is needed to write a well-developed paragraph. Remember to write at least 3 sentences for each paragraph)

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with , in 2011, women read more books than men.
- It was leveled at 5000 books which was higher than men read, at approximately 3000 books.
- However, there was a noticeable fall to 8000 books which were read by women in 2014. In contrast, the number of books read by men inclined dramatically when the level hit a peak of 14000 books at the end of the year. (the meaning would be confusing if you contrasted more than two sentences)

>> 2014 witnessed a significant fall to 8000 books read by women but in the same year the rate of books read by men overtook women's place in which it inclined dramatically and hit a peak of roughly 14000 books.

Overall, I like your grammatical control of this essay. I reckon that this can be your plus point in IELTS writing task 1. However, you need to pay more attention on how to compose a good structure. Instead of making short intro and long body paragraph. It is better to write at least three sentences per paragraph. It is also suggested to write a powerful introduction by properly paraphrase the question and write the overview. Then, 2 body paragraphs are needed to group the information appropriately. However, I believe that more writing practices would be beneficial towards your writing skill development. Therefore, I would like to say good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / Discuss any obstacles and/or hardships you have encountered and how you dealt with them. [3]

Hi Aman, here's my feedback for each paragraph of your essay. I hope that you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- the rocky days that followed my first yearsyear in America weren'twere not so appealing or pleasant.
- Knowing I wouldn'twould not see them in a while, I yelled and screamed at my parents for compelling me...
- Even thoughtthough it was my first time on a plane, I wasn'twas not enthusiastic or hyper for the sixteen hourssixteen-hour that we...

2nd paragraph:
- My first thoughts as I walked out the international airport werewas beyond my imagination.
- There are so many people, so many cars, and so much traffic.
- A skinny little Indian boy that they weren'twere not used to see , the new kid.

Apart from the corrections above, I would like to give some insights related to the content of your essay. I think that you need to focus to re-read and probably revise the last paragraph of your essay. In that paragraph you've said "things began to change" but the readers are questioning or wondering. What makes "things began to change"? Is it only time? or you did some remarkable achievements that made them changed their views about you. You need to elaborate this idea further. This can be beneficial to the development of your essay.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Being born in the middle-class in a developing country limits the overall perception of society. [2]

Hi Gabriel, you can see my analysis towards your essay in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Being born in the middle-class financial condition(of what?) in a developing country limits the overall perception of society. (what perception?)
- In my casePreviously , I attended a private school, I didn´tdid not hang out on the streets since it was dangerous and I had a small group of friends that wasn´twas not diverse. (I am not really sure about the content, but when you say "a small community that wasn't diverse" makes me think that this can be a racial issue. Just correct me if I'm wrong, I might get misconception.)

2nd paragraph:
- When I was in my last yearsIn the last year of high school, I was part ofjoined a religious group with fellow classmates.

- ...a completely different way of life as part of our volunteervoluntary work.
- This taught me that there is no wrong way to live our life; and that we, as middle-class students, were privileged teenagers. (confusing and ambiguous, this can possibly mean either robbery, murder, stealing and many bad deeds are okay because there is NO WRONG WAY to live our life after-all or people should appreciate other people's way of life . Consider revising it completely and take a closer look on the meaning once again)

At last but not least, I think that you've overused semicolons, and contractions. You need to avoid using them excessively in order to make your essay has a better format than now. Good luck in revising this essay :) (You can just post the revision below my comment.)

Writing Feedback / Summary TED The reasons companies fail-and how to avoid them [3]

Hi Halim, welcome to EssayForum :)

I would like to mention some of your weaknesses in order to help you strengthen and make them as your plus points.

- First, a summary doesn't need a well-crafted structure as like IELTS task 2 does. You don't need to properly state your introduction, main body paragraph and concluding paragraph. You can just come straight to the point, especially to the main issue that is discussed. Usually, it only needs 1 or 2 paragraphs for one article/video summary.

- Second, if talking about TED videos, you can see that there is a speaker who speaks to the audiences, including YOU. So, you need to write anything in the speaker's point of view. For instance, "Bill Gates in this TED Talk Video mentioned that ............." . At least, almost everything that you've summed up was his/her ideas. You need to learn more about direct vs indirect citation / quotation.

- Third, this is also the weakness for some people who are failed to present clear paragraphs building. You need to know that at least you have to give 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease the reader / examiner in reading or correcting your essay.

There you have it Halim, I hope my feedback would be beneficial towards your next practice later on. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Orangutan learns to mimic human conversation for the first time [5]

Hi Eka, here's my analysis towards your summary. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Adriano Lameria and his team , fromresearchers from the University of Durham in the U.K. , and his team found that orangutans are able to emulate sound from human conversation.

- An ape, 'Rocky', whowas studiedhad been studied at Indianapolis Zoo in the US between April and May 2012, . It/Hehave/has produced sounds similar to words in a "conversational context".

2nd paragraph:
- This experiment observed for more than 120 orangutans from 15 wild and captive populationspupulations.
- The procedure of that experiment are by conductedthe experiment is by conducting a game where the ape attempted to copy sounds made by human in variation ofvarious tone and pitch.

- ThatThis was recorded for more than 12,000 hours.
- Then, the reaserchersresearchers compared the collected sounds.
- ThisTherefore, it is proven by the research thatresearch proved that orangutans have the potential capacity to control the action of their voices.

As you can see, in the first sentence, the usage of appositives in your sentences were not really accurate and some grammatical issues were occurred. However, I hope the above corrections would help you composing a good summary for the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Some individuals believe that its parent's responsibility to make minors a good society's member. [5]

Hi Kumar, despite welcoming you to this forum, I would like to give additional feedback for introduction and concluding paragraph. I hope you can follow through and consider them as meaningful. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- You have paraphrased the question but some words were remained unchanged. Somehow, paraphrasing is not just changing the words by using synonym. You can also alter the sentence format, either active to passive sentence or passive to active sentence. Instead of saying "some", it is better to say "it is argued that" which means some people argue about that particular issue. Furthermore, you also forgot to outline your thesis statement clearly. I reckon that thesis statement in your introduction needs to be elaborated further.

4th paragraph:
- Restating is okay, but paraphrasing is better. Your conclusion seems like only restating your previous point in general. However, your recommendation was also too simple I guess. I think that you can give better suggestion by saying about the future. Recommendation, fear, or hope for the future is really suggested to be appropriately delivered in the very last sentence of an IELTS task 2 essay.

The good thing is that your body paragraphs were okay. They were well-developed. Keep up the good work! Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Students although focused on their main major, also have enough time to learn history and literature [3]

Hi Lam, welcome to EF! Here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- When I was a student, history was the most my most favorite major in my university.
- This essay will discuss the positive effects and potential knowledge from studying history and literature, butand the matters that students should concentrate with their main majors .

2nd paragraph:
- Information from history always is importanceis always important in every time.
- Young people often do not regardpay a close attention to / interested inwith historical knowledge caused they often feel boring when reading historical book. (choose one of them)

- ButNevertheless , this information helps people to have significant view from the past to the future.
- The education managers often find thea way to encourage the passion fromto young people.
- In my country (mention the name of your country to make this clearer) , the history major is one of the requirements major forto pass the final exams in everyall secondary schools .

3rd paragraph:
- Besides, there are very not correctit is totally wrong if we underestimated the effect of literature.
- The writers (who is this? the writer of what? unclear reference) usually want to raise the inspiration in mind ofinspire people
- Some scientists said that ifthe children read many literature books, they will have somemore positive behaviors than others.
- When I was a little boy/girl,small, my father suggested me to read the ' Les Miserables' novel, which then, it helped me recognized a variety of usefulmeaningful behaviors in my life.

As you can see Lam, I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be helpful for your future practice. Mind the corrections above and make them as one of your guidance in writing an essay. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Importance of Artworks and Museums - will always be vital for the success and prosperity of a nation [3]

Hi Jade, I have no idea on how to properly respond an essay from suspended (new) member, either to say "welcome" or "goodbye". I think that it is so unfortunate when you got suspended from this remarkable forum. Thus, if you still interested in to be a member by creating a new account, I hope that you will not break any rules in order to stay up-to-date and practice with other members.

With regards to your essay, I believe that 8 (eight) paragraphs are too many. This leads to an essay with no clear focus and confusing structure. For the betterment of your essay, I suggest you to make only 4 or 5 paragraphs maximum. The detailed descriptions below might help you.

1st paragraph:
- In the first sentence, you can just simply paraphrase the question,
- Then, in the second sentence, write a thesis statement,
- Next, in the third sentence you can outline your statement above.

2nd and 3rd paragraph have the same structure:
- state your IDEA in the first sentence
- explain it WHY your idea is good
- give EXAMPLE related to your idea
- say the IMPLICATION or RESULT of your idea
- CONCLUDE the whole paragraph in a single sentence

4th paragraph:
- summary your main points by paraphrasing the thesis statement
- give recommendation, fear, or hope for the future

As you can see, that is a simple essay structure but well-developed. This would be beneficial towards your band score and more likely to reach a high band score. Hopefully, you can join this forum again :)

Writing Feedback / Write a report for a university lecturer about the information on popularity of two new music sites [2]

Hi Ximon, welcome to EF! :)

I am glad that so many people are getting attracted to register and post their essays here. So, I think that you are one of the people who is interested in practicing IELTS in this remarkable place. However, I hope that my feedback would not be too late in giving you additional insights on how to reach band 6 in IELTS writing.

Actually, there are four essential criteria that MUST be fulfilled if you want to reach band 6 in IELTS writing task 1. Thus, I would like to mention them here and give you some additional explanation to help you understand the prompt means.

Task Achievement:
- In this part, you need to "present an overview with information appropriately selected" if you want to reach band 6. It is unfortunate that you mention it in the last sentence of your last paragraph. Your overview is also unclear, too general I suppose. Try to come up with additional information such as main trends, differences, or stages.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Overview is also related to "clear overall progression". Instead of improving your band score to 6, clear overall progression helps you to link the ideas and information between sentences and paragraphs. Cohesive devices are also needed, but remember avoid making too many of them. Over-using cohesive devices is the criteria of band 5.

Lexical Resource:
- Less common vocabulary usage is really suggested if you want to reach band 6 or above. You need to avoid making repetitive words, especially when it comes to comparison ("reached" are mentioned 3 times in your essay). Many IELTS candidates are failed because of limited range of vocabulary. Try to be more creative.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy is also one of the four essential criteria. This part can be improved by having lots of practices and proofread your or other members' essays several times. Having peer-review in this forum will increase your grammatical range and accuracy.

That's it Ximon, I hope my feedback is really meaningful towards your IELTS writing skill. I hope that in the real test you are going to achieve your desirable score. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The desire of corporations to maximize profits makes conflict with the general welfare of the nation [5]

Hello Vrustagi :)

Sorry for making you wait for quite long in responding your message. I would like to answer it clearly in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

With regards to your fist inquiry about thesis statement, I am pretty sure that I didn't mention that you've forgotten to write a thesis statement. What I mean is that you forgot to OUTLINE your thesis statement to the reader. This makes you failed to link supporting paragraphs successfully. Here's an example of an appropriate "outline" for your thesis statement:

- Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that people's health are being neglected by some companies and secondly, discuss the greediness of companies which leads to corruption.

Furthermore, a concluding paragraph should include:
- Summary of your main points and your opinion (1st sentence)
- Recommendation, fear, or hope for the future (2nd sentence)
Don't write any new ideas in this paragraph
A good conclusion should just paraphrase your thesis statement and your main supporting points.

In conclusion, I firmly agree that company's greediness to exploit much more profits by neglecting people's health and safety would significantly affect people in a large scale. Thus, I hope that government can take immediate action to solve this problem in the near future.

Faq, Help / Resource for EF Members: How To Leave Helpful Essay Critiques [4]

Hi Grace, it really is a nice thread that you have here, I just hope that most of the members read these useful tips. It is really unfortunate that, in fact, some of them are suspended from this remarkable forum because of meaningless and less helpful feedback. This guidance will also be helpful for those who are still unfamiliar about how to give helpful essay suggestions or critiques.

However, in the last part I have seen that you have wondered why did I mention FANBOYS for several times while correcting someone's essay. That is because I have read them from Academic Writing Skill 1 Student's Book written by Peter Chin et al. , published by Cambridge University Press in 2012 page 22-23. Therefore, I've keep suggesting them to avoid using that if it is related to an admission letter, formal essay, scholarship essay, and any other formal/academic writing essay formats.

Additionally, I reckon that contributors can remind someone if he/she has posted a meaningless feedback or inappropriate post before EF admins take a serious action towards them to temporarily or even permanently suspend his/her account. At least, contributors' warning would be his or her guidance for their future posts to create helpful essay suggestions or critiques.

At last but not least, I would like to say thank you very much for creating such an interesting and helpful thread for all members in this forum. :)

Writing Feedback / The desire of corporations to maximize profits makes conflict with the general welfare of the nation [5]

Hi Vrustagi, here's my feedback about your essay.

1st paragraph:
- I think that this paragraph is quite long for an introduction paragraph. It is unfortunate that you forgot to outline your thesis statement in order to improve the coherence and cohesion by giving overall progression about what would you like to discuss in the supporting paragraphs. I am sure by outlining your thesis statement, it will be beneficial towards your essay development later on.

2nd paragraph:
- I think that this paragraph needs a proper topic sentence rather than just giving an example in the first sentence. You need to write like what you've written in the third paragraph. This sentence from your third paragraph "the safety of people at large is neglected just to make more profit." is an example of an appropriate topic sentence. Therefore, I think you need to revise this paragraph structure by following your third paragraph structure.

3rd paragraph:
- It is already a good paragraph and structure. You've successfully elaborated your ideas in this paragraph clearly and appropriately.

Concluding paragraph:
- For me, it was just only "restating" what you've written. It wasn't a conclusion at all. It seems that you didn't give more efforts in summarizing the main points of your essay. If you think that you're confused, you can just simply paraphrase the outline of your thesis statement. That would give the reader clearer views than before.

There you have it Vrustagi, I hope you can consider my feedback as meaningful. Good luck in revising this essay or the next practice that you would probably gonna have. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Many species close to endangered and we should protect only the beneficial animals [2]

Hi Mahdi, here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- ...more funds have been allocated to save the threatened animals although some people claim that only of those give advantageous to human life. (if the position of "although" is in the middle, it is not necessary to give comma)

- Therefore, I argue that only beneficial animal should be considered to be saved. (where's your stance? if the prompt asks you to choose whether agree or disagree, you need to mention it clearly if you want to reach band 6 or above)

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- ...it is evident that saving endangered animals cost a great amount of money. (this should be the paraphrase of your thesis statement in the introduction paragraph)

- Although some people think ................. human life should be saved. (it seems that you've only restated the prompt. No need to say "some people" again. You can just say "I recommend/suggest/hope that..." related to the future.

As you can see Mahdi, introduction and conclusion are one of the most essential parts in IELTS writing. If you want to reach a high band score, try to take a closer look and pay more attention to them. If you've successfully created a well-written introduction and conclusion, try to create a well-developed body paragraph. I hope you can follow through. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Problem and solution about homecoming in Eid al-Fitri celebration [2]

Hi Mahdi, I think that your prompt is quite rare. This is my first time seeing Eid al-Fitri as IELTS writing topic. I hope that I can still able to give you some feedback.

1st paragraph:
- I don't really think that defining "mudik" is necessary. If this is an IELTS topic, it should be generally recognizable by most people. Defining the topic would only waste your time in composing this essay.

- However, you've successfully outlined your thesis statement. This is a good start for an IELTS writing.

2nd paragraph:
- In formal writing or academic writing, "Muslim" especially the first letter M should be written in uppercase. This is because "Muslim" represents people. For example, when you are going to write Indonesian people or American people, don't you realize that the first letter is in capital? So that's why writing by using a proper capitalization is important.

3rd paragraph:
- This paragraph and the previous paragraph were lack of overall progression or conclusion. You need to give at least one concluding sentence for each paragraph and use proper cohesive devices such as Therefore / All in all / Thus / many other options. Adding concluding sentence would improve your band score significantly.

4th paragraph:
- You can just simply paraphrase your thesis statement rather than writing a new thought or only a simple statement. This will dangerous for your position. You have to remember that relevant position will definitely improve your band score.

Overall, this is a well-written piece of writing. There were only minor grammatical mistakes. The thing that you need to concern has been well-explained by me in the above-mentioned feedback. I hope you can follow through. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Modern Technology influence on access to important data [5]

Hi Fatma, apart from the above-mentioned feedback. I would like to give additional insights in order to help you improve your writing skill. Therefore, I hope the detailed descriptions below would be beneficial towards your future practice or test.

1st paragraph:
- To avoid over-generalizing problem, I assume that you need to pay attention to the word "technology". Technology is a general term. The prompt wants you to discuss "specific term" i.e. modern/contemporary technology. Thus, you need to be more careful about this if you want to achieve a high band score.

2nd paragraph:
- I notice that this paragraph was lack of cohesive devices. It is okay to connect sentences by using "it or they" like what has been written in your essay. However, I think that you need to add some necessary cohesive devices such as "as a result/in turn/this results". By adding some necessary cohesive devices, you can reach band 6 or above. According to IELTS writing band descriptors, "uses cohesive devices effectively..." for band 6, and "use a range of cohesive devices appropriately" for band 7.

3rd paragraph:
- This cohesive device "on the other hand" can be considered as repetitive to the first paragraph. There are many possible options to replace that such as however, nevertheless, in contrast, and many more.

- Inappropriate referencing like this "They feel unsecured of any possible..." will be dangerous towards your band score. The previous sentence didn't talk about any persons or people. Who are "they"? You can only reach 6.0 maximum due to this problem.

4th paragraph:
- You need to know that "nevertheless and on the other hand" are similar. Using "nevertheless" as the last cohesive device would not directly state the main purpose of the paragraph itself. There are also many other options to replace that word for instance In sum, To sum up, In conclusion, To conclude, and many more.

As you can see Fatma, those are additional feedback from me. I hope you can follow through.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / The Internet provides us many valuable things but also cause some problems; IELTS task [4]

Hi Yingying, welcome to EF! :)

To avoid confusion, I reckon that for the next practice you need to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph. By doing that, the reader or examiner can read and check your essay easily.

With regards to your essay, I would like to describe my analysis in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ...there is an endless debate among people whether the Internet is good or not. for us.
- Some people will be thankful forbecause of the Internet offering usthem a lot of valuable information while others think thatdoubt the Internet causes problems because of an excess of information problems .

- In my opinion, nothing else could providesthere is nothing that can provide so many avaluablevaluable things like the Internet.
- If it'sit is used properly and wisely by us, the amount of problems caused by the Internet can be lowered to the minimum level.

4th paragraph:
- So above allIn conclusion , I do support that the Internet provides us many valuable things and I also admit that sometimes the Internet will cause some problems. (It is a cliche. It seems that you only re-state not conclude. You need to put more efforts in composing a better sentence. For instance, you can paraphrase your thesis statement from your introduction)

- ButHowever, if peopleusinguse it properly and wisely, I think, the Internet will offers us more convenience and information rather than problems.

As you can see, I did focus on your introduction and concluding paragraph because it is one of the essential parts in IELTS writing to reach a high band score. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The Heart-Breaking Truth about Exotic Pets and the Painful Journey They Take [3]

Hi Janahan, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that you have several obstacles in composing a well-written paper. Those are grammatical problems and how to write a proper ending. I would like to describe both of them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can consider them as meaningful.

1st paragraph:
- Recently, more and more exotic animals are becoming the adorable stars of thesethose videos.
- ButHowever, is it all really just fun and games, or is there more to it thatthan just that?

2nd paragraph:
- It does not stop there however, the suffering, as for many of these animals, the sufferingisn'tis not over at this point.
- For many of these animals, the emotional and psychological damage is just as severe as their physical wounds for most of these animals.

3rd paragraph:
- Only by doing so, (comma needed) we open ourselves up to change and change is truly what we need.
- To save these animals, we the first step is to acknowledge the atrocities that they face and the next is to take action against those contributing towards these atrocities.

- This, however, will not be easy as is explained later on in this essay. (commas needed)

4th paragraph:
- This immensely effectsaffects the way these animals would hunt, (comma needed) and it may even separate animals...

In short, I think the rest of grammatical errors can actually be recognized if you proofread your paper several times. With regards to your ending, I cannot give you an example but I can only give you a hint. An ending of a paper is usually the conclusion of what you have written so far. In most cases, it can be taken from your introduction. This is because introduction is the first part of stating or delivering idea. Therefore, you can just paraphrase your introduction in order to make a good conclusion.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / 10 MOST EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES TO READ AND REMEMBER [6]

Hi Beatrice, welcome to EF! :)

I reckon that it is indeed a long-piece of writing. However, I don't have any idea about what is the point of your writing. What do you want to reach or what is your goal with this essay? Assuming that you need corrections related to grammatical range and accuracy, so that the detailed descriptions below are my contributions related to that particular aspect.

1st paragraph:
- I can see that in this paragraph you've used many contractions such as you've and I'm. Try to avoid doing that in academic essay. It is better to write in complete form for example "you have" and "I am" in order to make it becomes a formal piece of writing.

2nd paragraph:
- It is virtually the same case as above but this paragraph needs additional corrections related to the use of semicolon and FANBOYS. Using semicolon is not suggested and FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) are not suggested to be used in academic writing. Those are considered as coordinating conjunctions, not cohesive devices.

3rd paragraph:
- You can follow the above suggestion.

4th paragraph and the rest of your essay:
- I notice that there are many similar problems with the above-mentioned feedback. However, there are some parts that should be corrected related to the use of plural and singular. You have several problems about that for example, the passage that provideS , these outstanding step-by-step approachES , and many more. Also, you need to consider that a sentence should consist of a subject and a verb. This sentence "So, note-taking very important to effective reading." was missing its verb. The correct one is that "SoThus , note-taking IS very important to effective reading."

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / TOFEL writing practice - Can teachers be both popular(students like them) and helpful to students? [5]

Hi Julian, welcome to EssayForum :)

1st paragraph:
- It has been long debated that ifwhether the popularity and the effectiveness...
- While some people may think............................... example of being effective. (this sentence is too-long, inaccurate, and confusing. Try to avoid making the same mistake in the next practice. It is better to separate them and make it easy-to-read)

2nd paragraph:
- For example, my high school math teacher is an old man who doesn'tdoes not make any jokes or ........... is thankful, and appreciated him. (another too-long-but-confusing sentence)

3rd paragraph:
- SecondlySecond of all , there are many ways of making....... (it is related to the previous paragraph. If you wrote "Firstly" that would be okay)

- AndIn addition, as the students like the class........ (avoid using "And" in the beginning of the sentence)

4th paragraph:
- try to add a recommendation/fear/hope for the future in the last sentence

As you can see Julian, some corrections have been addressed. I hope that you can follow through the feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / Soliloquy-2016-17 Common Application Personal Statement Essay prompt from an International Student- [3]

Hi Thapaliya, I would like to mention some of your weaknesses in this essay with hope that you can revise it into an outstanding piece of writing. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

- Your essay suffers from punctuation problems, particularly in giving a proper space for each sentence. You have to know that after period or comma, you have to give one space to separate the sentence and make them well-arranged. For instance, this sentence "...towards the TV.It was AajTak's..." should be like this "...towards the TV. It was AajTak's..." There are a lot of similar errors like that in your essay. Try to take a closer look on that.

- Another punctuation problem is about the over-usage of semicolon. "...free speech,hate speech;multiculturalism;marginalization;extremism;Islamophobia;anti-Semitism;terrorism;fallout..." why did you write all of them by using semicolon (;)? comma is more appropriate than semicolon.

- You need to now that personal statement can also be considered as academic writing. One of the ways to write an academic writing is that to avoid using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. Using like these "And the pinhole of my...", "But What is hiding...", and many others that you can find by yourself would make the essay less formal. Avoid writing informally if it is related to personal statement. You can replace "and" by 'In addition" and "but" = "however".

- Avoid writing contractions such as "won't", "don't", and many more because it will also makes the essay becomes informal. Contractions can only be used in informal writing or spoken. You can further check your essay to see and correct them.

There you have it Thapaliya, I hope you can follow through the above-mentioned feedback. Good luck in revising this essay :)

(just post the revision under my comment below)

Writing Feedback / If we use cell phones in the right way, they will become the most efficient tool in this modern life [3]

Hi Tran, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that you only paraphrase the question without mentioning your position or stance. There is no thesis statement to indicate your position. You need to write a thesis statement and the outline of it in introduction paragraph for instance "This essay will first suggest that the main benefit of cell phone is its usefulness, while affecting people's health problems is the main drawback."

2nd paragraph:
- There are many cohesive devices instead of "on the one hand and on the other hand". Those are "Furthermore/Moreover/In addition/With regards to/Concerning/Additionally/Initially, and many more". So, why bother using only the same pattern? avoiding repetition would help you achieving a better grade.

3rd paragraph:
- Space, period, comma, and capitalization are also considered as one of the criteria which related to grammatical range and accuracy. You've written some errors about that in this paragraph such as cellphones = cell phone, can not = cannot, facebook = Facebook, email = e-mail, twitter = Twitter, and ect = etc.

4th paragraph:
- I do agree with Thapaliya. I think you need to put more effort in writing conclusion. If you have written a proper thesis statement. Concluding paragraph (1st sentence) is usually the paraphrase of your thesis statement from introduction paragraph. Then, the 2nd sentence would suggestion or recommendation for the reader.

As you can see Tran, you need to keep practicing to reach your desirable score. I hope this is helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Students to attend schools to learn or not? [5]

Hi Adi, here's my contribution towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- Some people make an assumption that teaching children at home is one of the modern methods for a child's development since parents have to keep children under surveillance. (stop here)whereasMeanwhile, the other peoples argue that it is crucial for the young individual to go to school (no comma needed) as in there they will be able to upgrade theirconfidentconfidencein that place . (Don't you realize that your first paragraph is ONLY one sentence?)

- You need to state your position in introduction paragraph. If you don't state your position, this will make your band score can only reach 3 or maximum 4 (unclear position)

However, as I read through your essay, it will take more than a page if I give you all the details. Let me show you the brief descriptions of my feedback.

- You need to be careful with spelling. Punctuation is also one of the criteria of IELTS grading. You can activate spell-checker in order to help you determining the right spelling of words.

- It is also suggested to maintain the correct use of capitalization. University's name is usually in uppercase for example the University of Oxford, the University of Utah, or Harvard University.

- Mind the usage of comma and period. Avoid making too-long-but-complicated sentences. Making inaccurate sentences will only make your essay can reach 5.0 for grammatical range and accuracy part.

That's it Adi. I hope this helps. Good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / Common app supplement Essay: Harvard University Supplement essay [4]

Hi Thapaliya, I would like to give you some insights about your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- During insurgency, (comma needed) it was a benediction as doing something...
- ...revolutionaries will give the other end of story.alternative/another ending . (choose one from the options)

2nd paragraph:
- ...the one less travelled by" ButHowever, how can a traveler draw map of the journey... (never write "but" in the beginning of the sentence. It makes the essay less formal)

- ButNevertheless, Fear is an art of survival... (same issue as above)
- AndIn addition/Moreover/Furthermore, my weary feet gets a strong stone to... (choose one of them, "And" in the beginning of the sentence also makes your essay less formal.)

- SoThus , my frailty has no meaning of wobbling and shivering...

Last paragraph:
- I'mI am just a teenager... (contraction should be avoided)

Overall, most of the mistakes were about the use of FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). You are suggested to avoid using them in the beginning of the sentence. Those are coordinating conjunctions not cohesive devices. However, I reckon that the content have already answered the prompt properly. The ideas are also well-developed. Only minor grammatical mistakes that have been found. Therefore, you only need 1 or 2 more revisions. Good luck in doing that :)

Undergraduate / The quote attributed to William Hastie, Amherst College Class of 1925 - Amherst Writing Supplement [3]

Hi Kenan, the descriptions below are my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ...we face difficulties that we think it is impossible to be surpassed .
- ItThis happens because of human nature, we tendhave a tendency to seeconsiderthesome obstacles are bigger than they areshould be .

- ...humans must use their unique minds which differ humans from andare different from other living creatures.
- If everyone had given up just because they faced with difficulties[/ws] experienced some difficulties, our W world would have stayed the sameas it used to be .

Apart from the feedback which focused on your first paragraph, I think you need to consider the use of contractions. Using "don't" in academic essay is inappropriate. This would make your essay becomes less formal. Therefore, "do not" is recommended rather than "don't, "cannot" is recommended rather than "can't. I know it might look simple but it is essential in academic writing. Good luck in revising this essay. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Three categories of crimes in a particular city, 1984-2009. [5]

Hi Risty, here's my analysis toward your essay.

1st paragraph:
- A breakdown of the people numbersnumber of people who commit crimes in the three types of criminal actS in England from 1984 to 2009 is illustrated in the line chart.

- Overall, there was a numbers decline of people in all criminal acts.were two kind of criminal acts which experienced a decline but one of them witnessed a growth in the end of the period.

- While a Car theft act was the biggest one, House burglary also had a highest number during the period 1989 to 1994.(This should appear in the body paragraph, too detail)

2nd paragraph:
- Initially, the number of car theftact stood at aboutapproximately3,560 and it was by far the highest number compared with other cases.
- While over following year, during 15 years, both Car theft and House burglary decreased significantly and hit a low of 3100 and 3200 respectively, only Car theft rose slightly at about 3410 criminals in 2009.In 1999, car theft hit a low of 3,250 while house burglary plunged to 3,200. Then, in the next five years, car theft saw a sharp growth at roughly 3,400 whereas house burglary experienced a slight jump.

As you can see, some facts that you've described were not really accurate. This is dangerous for your final grade of your essay. However, the thing that I like from your essay is that your paragraphing. You have clearly written all of them in a good structure. Therefore, my suggestion is that try to be more careful in writing and pay attention to grammatical range and accuracy, particularly punctuation marks. Good luck for the next practice Risty :)

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that governments should pay for healthcare and education, but others disagree.. [5]

Hi bestjery, welcome to EF Team! :)

With regards to your question, I would like to give some examples about how to give more specific info to support the views. You can see those examples in the detailed descriptions below.

- ...especially some significant diseases which may cause broken for those families. To illustrate, the government in Indonesia has a health-insurance system to cover most of the health problems of its citizens. As a result, government can help people who are infected by diseases for free without any additional charges.(the red sentences indicate "more specific info" needed to support the views)

As you can see, additional or specific info means that a well-developed example. It has to be clear for the reader or the examiner. Adding specific info would be beneficial towards your band score. You can get a high band score if you add specific details in your essay. Somehow, it also can be in the form of a research result or a survey result.

I hope this helps. I am waiting for the upcoming essay practice from you. Good luck for that :)

Grammar, Usage / Help me rephrase this sentence in an appealing way :) [5]

Hi Lisandra, welcome to EF! :)

We are here to strive our best to help you achieving some meaningful reviews in order to create a well-written essay. I can notice that you have experienced some difficulties in rephrasing some sentences in an appealing way. Actually, it is better for you to try to write the whole essay first rather than to wait for the feedback. Somehow, the response of other members and contributors in this forum is not as quick as you imagine. Therefore, writing a complete draft would be helpful for you in order to receive a quick respond from other members and contributors in EssayForum.

With regards to your question, I would give you some options for paraphrasing those sentences. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below:

Your version > "Talent is useless if the person isnt going to hardwork. Hardwork is useless if the person has no talent"
(but, I actually a little bit confused, perhaps the correct one is "Talent is useless if the person is not going to work hard, but hard-work is useful even though the person has no talent." How about that? However, I am still going to paraphrase your own version in the description below)

- Hard-work without talent is pointless and vice-versa.
- Talent and hard-work is inseparable to reach your goal.
- Working hard is necessary if the person has no talent and having talent doesn't mean that you don't need to work hard.

That's it Lisandra. I hope my feedback would be useful. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. However, you can post the complete draft in below instead of making a new thread.

Scholarship / "The benefits that derive from studying abroad": a 2-paged KE Scholarship Personal Statement [4]

Hi Leighton, welcome to EssayForum :)

It is really nice to have you here as a new member and hopefully, you can keep actively participating in this forum to help others. This is because I notice that your writing skill is outstanding. I am sure that you can immensely help other members by delivering meaningful reviews. In fact, I also have learned many things by reading your essay.

With regards to your essay, I reckon that it is a well-developed piece of writing. You have successfully answered all the necessary prompts given. I do really like the way you linked your ideas and combined your sentences in order to ease the reader. By doing this, however, have improved the coherence and cohesion of your essay itself. The use of less common words in your essay, I assume, it is also really accurate and impressive.

As you know, English is my foreign language, I need to learn from others too. Thus, I have something in mind that I want to ask to you. Sometimes, some teachers advice their students to avoid making very-long sentence because it often leads to inaccuracy and confusion. My question is that, how is the way to create such a brilliant long sentence without any errors in grammar and confusing meaning? If you have some tips that you can probably want to share, perhaps not only me that would be glad, but the other members would be also really thankful to have useful tips from you. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Children are forced to study even their leisure time. Is that a good practice? [5]

Hi Tang, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that you have gathered very comprehensive feedback from EF member and contributor. I would like to give additional tips to achieve a high band score in IELTS writing, especially when it comes to IELTS writing task 2. I hope you can follow through.

- The minimum words limit of IELTS task 2 is 250 words. Your essay was 250 words. It is not suggested to keep doing this in the next practice or in the real test. You need to remember that IELTS also needs a good handwriting skill, or at least your handwriting must be clear for the examiner. If you only write 250 words and some of them are unclear, they will not count it and you will not able to fulfill the minimum words limit. As a result, your will only reach low band score. Therefore, my suggestion is that you are suggested to write more than 250 words, preferably 270 or even 300 words to avoid such problem.

- You need to avoid making jumpy ideas. The last sentence of your first paragraph was talking about "parents should encourage children for after-school studies" but the first sentence of your second paragraph was not talking about that. It is too jumpy if you talk about "after-school studies" in the third sentence of your second paragraph. Therefore, if you want to reach band 6 or above, pay attention on how to write reference clearly and appropriately.

I hope those tips are helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS task 2 writing. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People do unhealthy activities. Why and give solutions. [3]

Hi Keely, it is really nice to see that finally the moderator in this forum release your account from suspension. I reckon that it is not only because of poor comments. I have seen some of your comments were only copy and paste. I think that it is the major reason why did you get suspended. Members and contributors in this forum are struggling really hard to give their best in delivering feedback. No need to always write this...

"My English is not very well, and I still learning now.
I hope we can learn from each other more.

Keely"

...in all your messages or comments in this forum. Try to observe carefully and learn what kind of feedback that is considered meaningful to other members. If you can only find minor grammatical mistakes, do not just point that out directly and give corrections. By doing that, your comment will only consist of 1 or 2 sentences. If you have a difficulty to find grammatical mistakes because the writer is already good, try to appreciate what has been written by him/her. Appreciating someone's work is also one of the ways to compose a meaningful feedback instead of only giving corrections. Additionally, apart from appreciating someone's writing, you can also give further suggestions for the development of the essay itself. You need to keep in mind that there is no perfect writing after-all. Rooms for improvement are always existed. This will train your critical thinking ability too.

However, with regards to your essay I think that if you want to reach band 6 or above, thesis statement and outline thesis statement is really crucial. Instead of writing this "In this essay, I will explain the causes of this trend and give some suggestions to address these problems." it is better to explain it briefly what are the causes and what are the solutions. You can explain it by using keywords. Remember that all ideas have their own keywords. Find them and write them in your introduction paragraph. Good luck for the next practice Keely :)

Writing Feedback / Whether it should be compulsory for high school students to wear uniforms or not - it's the question [5]

Hi Minh, I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum members. I believe that the above-mentioned feedback is really helpful towards your writing development. Now, I would like to give you some insights related to how to achieve band 6 or above in writing and give some measurements related to IELTS writing band descriptors of task 2.

Task Response:
- I do agree with Gabriel in this part. You have presented a relevant position but it is unfortunate that the conclusion is grayer or unclear. Perhaps, some teachers advice that you can partly choose either A or B but this often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure. I suggest you for the next practice is that it is better to choose one side only and then you can fully elaborate on that point. Therefore, it is unfortunate that 5.5 is the maximum score for this part.

However, that is only for Task Response part. Actually, there are three other criteria in IELTS scoring. Those are Coherence and Cohesion (CC), Lexical Resource (LR), and Grammatical range and accuracy (GR). Task response covers 25% of your overall score in task 2. For the other three criteria, I think that the score on those parts are quite similar. It is still between 5.5 and 6.0 maximum due to some grammatical errors that appears in this essay. IELTS writing band descriptors can be downloaded in IELTS.org for free. One of the tips to reach a higher band in IELTS is to think like an examiner. Making band descriptors as your guidance is the best thing that you can do in order to have a capability to think like an examiner. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Test 1 TOEFL. Summarize a reading and listening passage. [4]

Hi Gabriel, welcome to EF team!

Here's my analysis of your essay.

1st paragraph:
- To understand human personality and how it develops, (comma) there are several/some different approaches. (stop here, create a new sentence)The most common approaches are the conflict approach and the fulfillment approach.

- It is curiouscrucial/important/essential to note that each approach is completely contrary ofto the others .

2nd paragraph:
- In the conflict approach, (comma) it is said that the person is in a perpetual state of conflict.
- ...be either because there are competing forces within that person (comma is unnecessary) in the moment of taking (...) that oppose the individual's internal feelings. (period, create a new sentence)Tasks and duties could be anthe examples of this in our daily lives.

- Finally, the hypothesis of this approach is that never ending conflict shapes our personalities.we live in a never ending conflict, and that is what shapes our personality.

3rd paragraph:
- Meanwhile, (comma) the fulfillment approach states the opposite. (period, new sentence) It is not a conflict (...) but a single force that is the needneeded for fulfillment.

- Here the Individual's goals and how hard he or she works to reach them will ...

As you can see, some modifications have been delivered. I hope you can follow through. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / The younger children need some help from their parents to complete their homework efficiently; IELTS [5]

I would like to say thank you for appreciating my feedback above. It is nice to see the fighting spirit of yours in order to achieve band 7 in IELTS writing. My suggestion is that you need to think like an examiner, so that you should always practice by using band descriptors as your guidance. You can download the pdf in the link below

- ielts.org/~/media/pdfs/writing-band-descriptors-task-2.ashx

With regard to your question about grammar, you can see the detailed corrections below:

- SoThus , (comma needed because this is a cohesive device)thereit is no surprise that why many parents (...) is essential and necessary. and . In my view, children, (...) should be helped by their parents in doing their homework (comma is unnecessary) while teenagers and college goers should be allowed to do themdo that by their ownthemselves .

- In conclusion, both views have their own merits and demerits(this just only restate not conclude. many IELTS candidates are stuck on this one) , so that it is really important for parents to involve cautiously in their children's homework cautiously , whereas helping younger ones have immense benefits.

Instead of writing a conclusion like yours, I would like to show you the example of a well-developed conclusion:

In conclusion, while the benefits of helping children for their homework allow students to cope with the difficult tasks from the teacher, some still feel that people should let them work by themselves. However, as long as we are careful to guide them continuously, they are more likely to achieve success in the future.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Contribution to Diversity; I did not let any of obstacles I met to get me down [4]

Hi Anne, it is nice to have you as a new member in this forum. So, welcome aboard! :)

With regards to your essay, I reckon that there are three major points that you should focus on. Those are academic excellence, leadership qualities, and contribution to diversity. Also, it is better for you to make it well-arranged. So, the first thing that you need to describe is your academic excellence, the second is leadership qualities, and the last is contribution to diversity.

As I read your essay, I do understand why did you exceed the minimum words limit. You didn't group your ideas based on the prompt given. This makes your explanation was surpassed the limit. I would like to give you a brief descriptions on how to develop this type of essay below. I hope you can follow through.

Introduction paragraph (approx. 85 words):
1st sentence - introduce yourself in brief where do you come from, including your past experience about diversity
2nd sentence - create a thesis statement related to your points
3rd sentence - outline your thesis statement (three major points related to academic excellence, leadership qualities, and contribution to diversity)

Body paragraph 1 (academic excellence) (approx. 110 words)
1st sentence - create a topic sentence related to your view about academic
2nd sentence - explain why this is related to diversity
3rd sentence - write your academic achievement in details (GPA, and any other academic achievements related to diversity)

Body paragraph 2 (leadership qualities) (approx. 110 words)
1st sentence - create a topic sentence related to your view about leadership
2nd sentence - explain why this is related to diversity
3rd sentence - write any experience about leadership that is related to diversity

Body paragraph 3 (contribution to diversity) (approx. 120 words)
1st sentence - create a topic sentence related to your view about contribution
2nd sentence - explain why this is important to contribute in diversity
3rd sentence - tell the reader your past experience related to diversity

Concluding paragraph (approx. 75 words)
1st sentence - summarize or paraphrase your thesis statement
2nd sentence - tell the reader that you want to be accepted in this remarkable program or you are hoping to be accepted

I hope this helps in order to fulfill the maximum words limit without exceeding them since it is really essential to follow the prompt given. Good luck in revising this essay based on the above-mentioned structures. You don't need to rewrite all over again, I think you just need to put them in the suggested places above :)

PS:
Three sentences are the minimum requirement to fulfill the words limit for each paragraph. You can add 1 or 2 sentences more for each paragraph if you think you need more sentences.