Writing Feedback / Checkmate, pawns, troops, bishop, queen, strategy - essay [4]

This is great, but I was staring at this last paragraph for a long time...
The game kept on, but not only had I made my moves as destiny had made his decision.---confusing

I can't recall how, but I know that I had finally done it. I had beaten my brother, my mentor, and I had beaten myself beaten my own sense of limitation... or soemthing else, but "beaten myself" requires explanation.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What I Will Become" - How the College Curriculum will help me with my Interests [4]

The last comma in this sentence is unnecessary:
"Is it going to hurt?" I asked Dr.Khan, my pediatrician, as she held the needle in her hands, that at the time looked so long.

In this sentence, you do need a comma:
Our world begins with children, and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

So...what will your specialization be? Pediatrics? I don't think you have made a strong enough argument about the importance of attending this school; many schools can prepare you for med school. I think it's important to take out the part about favorite colors, because it make it seem like you did not think deeply about which school to choose.

However, it is great that you have a clearly envisioned future... a strong intention to become a physician.

:-) Just add some more substance to the essay by discussing this school compared to others, and discuss how you will achieve specific goals at the school.

Undergraduate / "grew up in two different societies" - How has your neighborhood shaped you?! [3]

When I reminiscence back on about my childhood, the diversity in my neighborhood and cultural family aspects characteristics seem the most prominent.

Don't use "has + verb" when you can just use the verb:
Growing up in a culturally diverse neighborhood has shaped me to be a more accepting and knowledgeable individual.

Again: I became more appreciative of the life my parents have provided me. As I watched my confused peer's peers walk away from life into the shadows and give in to drugs, m y motivation for success grew. increasingly . Sometimes when I think about...

Read the essay again, and look for places where you start to repeat ideas similar to what has already been explained. Cut out the redundant parts, and make room to talk a little more about the way the neighborhood influenced your academic and professional interests. This person you have become... what does this person study? :-)

Undergraduate / Help to make "My Mother, My influence" ending stronger - UT undergrad prompt [3]

Here, she made sure that I was given opportunities that were not possible available for her. ----just an idea...

Let's revise this so that you are not always saying "has" and "have" (Instead of her efforts have grown, "her efforts grew..."

She has taught me the importance of an education, and how utilizing what I learn will help me succeed in life. One of her greatest influences was during my twelve years of figure skating. ----12 years is a long time to do something "during." How about saying it "involved" your twelve years of skating...

My mother gave me opportunities that she never had and she taught me to take advantage of them and not take them for granted.-----I scratched out part that you had already said previously.

This must make your mom very proud of you and of herself! :-)

Writing Feedback / Maintaining Individualism - Informal Essay [2]

Hi Tyler,

I think you meant to use "conforming" here:
Therefore, it is possible to gain success without confining to

In this society, different difference appears not accepted as often as "same ole".

... following the crowd and not being oneself that it beginning to take a toll on that person.

You have some great examples ...

What my opinion is that every person has their own character---- hey, this does not work!
Just write:
My opinion is that...

Commas:
Therefore it can put an end to conforming, or altering one's true self, and bringing bring about a greater change, which in fact would be to maintain individualism.

Undergraduate / Don't be shocked when you see her name...! Common App essay [5]

I don't think English interfered. It was "limited English" that interfered.

Months passed, a nd I built friendships by ...

By Reminding students of the potential dangers of drunk driving, she has taught us a valuable life lesson by telling us a heart-broken a heartbreaking, true story. A senior student who went to the senior prom got drunk with his friends, and he killed himself by crashing his car to a truck. No one knew how devastated she was at his funeral.

Instead, she consciously overcame all students in hope of preventing another tragedy. This sentence does not make sense.

This is all very well written. What is the main point you want to make about her? If the reader remembers only one thing, what should it be? Whatever it is, mention it at the beginning and also at the end.

Undergraduate / "My first oral report" - a concise narrative about a meaningfule event, experience [3]

hearable audible

I think you should replace the comma after fantastic with a semi-colon.

Also,
I left angry and insecure until I remembered the value of confidence. Once I began to think more confidently, I had a better outlook on my situation. ----- When you do this... it makes me wish you would add one more sentence to explain this insight about confidence. Can you really just summon confidence whenever you want to? How about adding one more sentence of explanation after this?

:-)

However, I can be a confident person, and that is the kind of person I aspire to be at the University of Florida.---- confidence comes from preparedness, which comes from hard work.

Undergraduate / Columbia is cool, teaches, and aids foreigners - in 1500 letters [11]

Hey, I saw some great help you gave other people, Draconlord. Thanks!

I think you should not name those 2 schools that you insult. Just cut out the names, but keep the funny example.

I'll be the man going to a horrible, horrible institution like PG Community College or [shivers] Duke and then, four years later, standing in a subway station and holding up a sign: "Writer, homeless, jobless, in college debt. Will rhyme for food."

... has wonderful rainforests and is located in the picturesque Andes-I might be looking at the wrong Wikipedia page here.--- very good, I hope the AO reader has a sense of humor. Be careful, though, because if one applicant has a plan she is passionate about and another has a very clever and funny essay, the AO reader will feel obligated to favor the serious candidate.

So...
I was going to say you should get serious in the second half, but I see that you already did. Let's add 3 more specific objectives if it is not too late... has the deadline already passed? If you have not turned this in already, I suggest adding a little more of your game plan at the end.

Also, get fix this incomplete sentence:
Because Financial hardship should never impede the pursuit of excellence.

Undergraduate / "immigrated to America from Barbados" - Summer Bridge Essay: [3]

My Name is Vernica Williams, i am an 18 year old Senior at Forest Hill High School, and I am a resident of West Palm Beach Florida. -----To make this sentence grammatically correct, you need to add the words "I am"

But even if you do that it still seems like a run on sentence for a moment... and anyway, it is not interesting. They know your name, age, and location already, so start with an interesting sentence.

This sentence amounts to, "Me took her advice." So that is not okay:
except me, who took her advice and ra n with it.--- But I think you can easily fix it.

Ah, the essay is so negative and judgmental! Why are you writing about everyone else?

Also, you have a typo here:
I Will meet people and not be ashamed of where im come from.

I think it is important to come up with a plan that consists of 5-10 clear goals, and then write an essay about that plan. Write about YOUR plaan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Identifying with the villain, a figure who wasn't a hero [3]

Can ----> will
or
Could ---> would but not can---> would
If people are prohibited from exploring for that very reason, human society would will not advance!

And I think it would be great to cut out this sentence and start with the one that follows it:
I have always been an idealistic and philosophical individual.

:-)

Undergraduate / Early riser / College options ('letter to roommate' / 'Why Stanford is good for you') [7]

Yeah, that P.S. is funny... but I just wish it was set up better by the letter. What I mean is... it should be like a punchline that refers back to a joke.. some kind of self-depreciating humor, where you admit that you have a neurotic attachment to some of your stuff. Then, at the end, that "do not touch my stuff," would be more like a joke.

Ahh... I don't know what I am talking about. It's fine the way it is, and the AO reader will laugh aloud.

I also think this is impressive: "After hearing that lecture, Stanford shot to the top of my list." ---It is great because it is interesting and real. A real experience. I think this is going to be a winner.

Undergraduate / "Post 9/11 backlash violence" Local/national concern admissions essay [8]

I myself attending poetry readings and awareness seminars, listening to people's compelling stories that brought tears to my eyes, but hearing these stories created this sense of strength letting me know that I was not alone.

These situations made me aware and believe now, more than ever, that we truly are "one, created by the one creator of all creation.

The way this is written... it is like poetry in the form of an essay. Rhythmic and meaningful, it contains the energy of inspiration that makes me want to go write something of my own. I think the AO reader will really appreciate it.

Rick, did you even read the essay? It was about a personal experience, and you are challenging the ACCURACY of it. I understand that you have strong political views, but if you want to express them you have to pay your dues by offering at least a little constructive feedback that has something to do with the kid's essay.

And to balance out the one-sided view in this thread, I'll offer this, for whatever it is worth to any visitors to this page: truthaction.org/debunkingseptemberclues.pdf

Book Reports / What lies somewhere over the rainbow? The Alchemist Introduction [5]

Hi James, I hope it worked out okay.

...the idea that something (something is only one word, not two.)
...better than what we already have lies somewhere over the rainbow. After journeying far and wide the most...

After this, you need to think of a few examples to demonstrate this idea. Write a paragraph about each.

Did you get anything written?

:-)

Undergraduate / "my mother nicknamed me Rosebud" - yale supplement [4]

In the snow, its wrought-iron glimmers with romantic brown metal from the 1920s.----I took out a comma.

passerby's------I guess you better look up the correct way to pluralize this word... it seems wrong! Maybe you can google around to make sure you spell it right.

You ended that first paragraph with a sentence of description: With a line of sight to the bridge above, the bench is like a watchguard, with views in all directions. ---I think this is a wasted opportunity. The end of the first paragraph is an opportunity to send a strong message that will linger for a moment in the readers mind as she moves from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2.

So, I think you should add a sentence there, at the end of paragraph 1.

You write very well! This is something people can really appreciate.

At the end, you should take advantage of the opportunity to show that you understand the theme of Citizen Kane: can a life be summed up in a word? In a name?

Undergraduate / "my father came home after being laid off " - MY FATHER'S STRUGGLE-UF PROMPT [4]

That intro about the father losing his job... it's very intriguing, and it makes the reader want to read more.

...loved to build things as a kid, and how I would take things apart just to try to put them back together again. ---- This is something I see in SO many essays... everybody says this if they are interested in engineering... so I suggest not using it.

I think the way to avoid the danger of losing your job is to make sure you become the kind of expert that can be self-employed... for example, you can have your own practice or service if you are good at what you do. You don't have to be anybody's employee.

:-)

Poetry / "chasing time often" - My first poetry (If this can be called as poetry) [8]

With every breath you take, my heart is lit up with impeccable life.-----If you use the word impeccable, you have to say something afterward to explain why "impeccable" is the way to describe the life (life energy?).

Thought I was born to this endless darkness until------ And right here... it might need some revision because you were not born "until" anything. But a small change would fix this! Also, you have "poetic license," so you do not even have to fix it.

I really like this line:
Now I'm a lonely man in this endless night running wild ... hahaha, very cool.

Undergraduate / A Second chance... what would you do differently (opportunity for a prized education) [5]

In life, the opportunity to erase the mistakes of the past and start over never truly occurs .

... I felt mediocre with as apposed to something I have a passion for.
Some people write as "opposed" to...
I think both are correct, but the reader may mistakenly believe you misspelled it, because many people write "opposed."

Clueless, I told her, " I'd I'll get back to you on that."

I took some time to think about it, and I found myself faced with making a decision for between a career in something I was content with, finding myself as a degree-holder in something I adored, and working at a local coffee house as a barista. ----I tried to fix this sentence... but it is still a little awkward. It might be better to simplify it and break it into a few sentences.

Let's use "took"-------> I took a leap of faith in my judgment and chose Computer Technology.

:-) This is enjoyable to read!

Undergraduate / "volunteering at Huntington Hospital + medical records department" Common App [3]

Many of these patients engage me in conversation, sharing their life experiences and even asking about mine.

I got rid of some unnecessary words, there, but other than that I would not change anything. This is impressive!

Undergraduate / "Clarinet; the unforgettable moments" - UIUC Prompt #2 [5]

I had never thought such beautiful music could flow from a black wooden tube until before I passed by visited that music instrument store near my school.

...daily pressure, but also benefited from the teamwork...

This is very good. All the revisions paid off!

It is very demanding to be in the school orchestra, and everyone in the orchestra has to learn teamwork and compromise. Let's sacrifice this sentence to free up some words to use in one more -- very thoughtful and brilliant -- sentence at the very end of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my favorite sport" - extracurricular activity, common app [2]

Here is a little correction:
It refreshes me; when I play I feel free and happy.
(A semi-colon functions much like a period.)

So... Boxin is right. You repeat the same idea many times. However, you do have a very important concept: a sense of freedom on the field. Maybe you should take out some of the redundant sentences and replace them with a story to help the reader share your sense of freedom on the field.

Undergraduate / What do you see yourself explore in U Penn? - Supplement [4]

The charisma of business has magnetized me since I was a young girl. ---if you want to say this, you have to use the word charisma in the next sentence, too, and explain what you are referring to... the charisma that highly effective businesspeople often have? It is an interesting theme, but you should develop it. (That just means talk about it).

:-)

Even as you discuss your father's business, you can discuss it as part of an explanation for this concept of business charisma.

The next few paragraphs are very impressive.

Your topic sentences are a little too simplistic:
Joining clubs is one of the best choices to meet new friends and widen one's interests. ---it is a perfectly valid sentence, but it is obvious and uninteresting. Same here:

I consider Wharton to be an extremely competitive place where I can perform and contribute my best with other highly motivated students.
Seeing the world with a broadened eye view is important in the 21st century.
These are not worthy of your great theme and great writing! So.. make every paragraph's topic sentence intriguing.

Undergraduate / "Volunteer desire, the Community House" -U of I community service essay [3]

I worked there I realized how important it is to give back to the community --- This is kind of a cliche... but not too bad!

At the end of the first paragraph, I think there should be a sentence to tell the reader what the essay's theme is going to be.

A year of helping around the community now became a significant memory of my life, and I believe that this volunteer work benefited me by making me become a more mature person in many ways.

Sorry I didn't help in time for the deadline!

Undergraduate / "First Time; she looks just like you" - significant Essay for University of Miami [6]

It was December 17th, 2006, a day I'll never forget. Even now, it's still forever etched into my mind. The weather was fair, sunny, yet crisp and cool. ----boring. I'm sorry! I think you should revise this intro with the reader's perspective in mind. It may be very emotive for YOU to mention the 17th of dec. in that year, but to the reader these is 3 boring sentence in a row right at the start.

This is where it gets quite intriguing! ----> I woke up, shaken because I knew that today was the day.

So, I hope you'll forgive my criticism above... the rest of the essay is great, great writing. I think you should Google this: imagery words list examples

You need more imagery words to make it better.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Hawaii and Georgia - life comparison. Idea about conclusion? [2]

Be careful... it seems like you are calling Georgia and Hawaii cities when they are states. Later on in the essay, I see that you understand the terms, but you should change the introduction so that you call them states instead of cities.

Georgia has more career-development opportunities; young people are easily able to seek a job at the banks, hotels, cooperation companies, etc. On the other hand, Hawaii is located ...

Business industries in Hawaii is seems bearish since Hawaiians are relying on the tourist industry where its people find it h ard to get qualify at a job.

Essays / The exterior of a building is more important than its function - agree or not? [2]

It is, on one hand, being advocated that functions play a pivotal role in buildings. -----Being advocated.
Let's look at another example:
It is being argued that functions play a pivotal role.
It is being observed that people like to deceive themselves.
(You use ed and not ing.)

Here is another example, and you used the ed:
Moreover, it is widely accepted that ...

The main point may involve the recognition that exterior of a building ,such as one's home ,represents one's identity. -----Wow, very impressive. I guess you did not need me to talk about that basic stuff, because you have a complex writing style.

You just have a few small errors like this:
... the exterior of the building the same way as we try to understand a person from his or her attire, looks and behavior.

This is great writing!

Undergraduate / "international group of respected politicians" - the most appealing about Columbia? [3]

As a young adult seeking to bring about social change through government service, I feel that I need a dynamic college experience. ----can you be more specific than 'dynamic?'

Oh... this gets very impressive in its specificity a little further on in the essay. I wish you would divide that large paragraph into two, though.

How about manifesting interests... if they had not manifested, you would not have them as interests. I think you can manifest experiences based on...
I'm also interested in manifesting experiences based on even my most obscure interests, such as poetry, meditation and photography, and...
About meditation, google this: Taoist meditation reverse breathing

Undergraduate / "I'm a human with flaws" - personal essay (hardships, challenges, opportunities) [3]

I am human. That basic idea right there incorporates the fact that I make mistakes. You should not say this, because people always know what you mean when you say, "I am human," or "I am only human." It does not need explanation, so you should not explain it.

Everyone makes mistakes. ---- again, we already know, and this is a cliche.

Our entire society runs on the simple task of learning from its mistakes. ---- this is getting more interesting right here... very cool. This might be a good sentence to uyse at the beginning of the essay.

I don't know if "deeply" white is a good term... Seems like a problematic term! :-)

'There's still three more years!' right? ---baad grammar. There are three...
Capitalize: I became lazy: "It's just a homework grade."

Knowledge is what's cool. ---- great sentence.

I am human, I have faults, and I am willing to work on them. -----another great sentence.

Since childhood, I exhibited precocious (I don't think this is the best word to use here, but you can probably think of a better one!) ability, and the only ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Blessed: my stay in the Gambia (significant experience, risk..) [4]


Cool, I don't think I have ever heard this phrase.

...cool air of air conditioner , a luxury for which we were grateful for .

It was not until later when one of the locals told us that the children had several different parents because a man was allowed to marry up to four wives, that we realized some of the children had no definite set of parents.

Although much had gone on during my stay in the Gambia, much had come out of it. You can create a better sentence than this as the intro to the last paragraph. This sentence suggests that if a lot went on it is unlikely that a lot would come out of it... but that is not part of what you are trying to say.

(The Gambia?) was the most...
This essay is excellent, but the whole last paragraph seems weak. It seems like you should be able to draw a few specific lessons from it... lessons that help you decide on your path for the future.

Scholarship / "career in research surrounding economic history" - GSS scholarship essay [2]

Although I excelled in academics, I was always shy to participate about participating in extracurricular activities...

To be particular, I have read over a hundred books in the----It's not particular; it's an estimation, so I took out those unnecessary words. Reminds me of... I remember a song by Bobby McPheren where he says, "I like to get up early in the morning, before 6AM to be exact." And I remember thinking, hey, that is not exact!

This essay is so distinct and impressive. I really hope it is well received and that you get the aid. Is it the appropriate/recommended length? You obviously have lots of potential. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "My father, being a minority - Influential Person" Essay [3]

It is hard being a minority. For over a century, the liberalization of immigrant entry and America's reputation as the "land of opportunities" have has been an invitation to many.

... of setting his priorities and committing to them are habits I have picked up. on .

"Keep your head up," is a piece of advice my father has imprinted in my brain.

Once I enter the military base, I am back to America and once I exit the gates, I return to my native country.---- very interesting. This essay is one of the best. It is so well written, and it really is something the reader can enjoy.

He is living proof that accepting things the way they are and finding ways around them are not only possible, but also approaches represent the approach to life that ensures success.

Undergraduate / AVID teacher, Peer Assistant Leadership - someone who has made an impact on your life [6]

being apart a part of the PALS...

I started talking to my friend, Leo, who was in PALs. I asked him questions about the organization, like what they did and how would they help out other people. With all the information I got about PALs, I was convinced to fill out my application and turn it in. I was glad to hear that I got accepted as a PAL member. ------ These boring sentences have no place in your essay. They make statements that the reader does not need to hear. Only include sentences that carry your reader along toward the main idea you want to convey.

What is the main idea/message of the essay?
I think it is: "An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."
So what does that wisdom have to do with the teacher?


Explain her influence in a way that celebrates this concept: "An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."

Undergraduate / "What? Environmentalist? Or a tree hugger?" UC prompt [5]

It feels like a sentence is missing from the end of the first paragraph. It seems incomplete. Can you sum up the message of the whole essay in a single sentence that put it at the end of that first paragraph?

The last paragraph should be longer, too. I see that the essay mentions a few different topics, but it has one overarching theme. Lengthen that conclusion so that it discusses the theme. That theme should also be the subject of the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Being an environmental protector is no longer just an id eal; now I am one step closer to my dream.

Undergraduate / "The American farmer" Which extracurricular or academicr paths do you want to pursue [3]

zealous business career plan.----I need to know more about this zealous plan.

Environmental policy should be implemented within every business setting and can be managed in a feasible manner.------- This sentence sort of does not make sense. It makes grammatical sense, but it is vague, and it puts together an assertion of what should be done and an assertion of what is feasible... it is just too general.

This essay leaves a lot of questions unanswered. I want to know how you will build this framework and what your business plan consists of. Try this: revise the essay so that almost every sentence tells the reader a specific fact about your goals (at least 3-5 specific goals for the next 5 years).

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal statement from sophomore in high school - small town (Vallejo) [3]


I think this is a great sentence. Great writing...

Oh, now that I read the topics, I you have a lot of pain in your family. When lots of family members are in pain, bad things can happen, so be careful! Pain spreads, contagious like a virus. It might spread from your parent to you or from you to your friend. I think I may have accidentally spread some pain yesterday when I lost my patience with someone after someone else had lost their patience with me!

Anyway, these are not topics to include in a personal statement. It is okay to mention the circumstances, but the PS is supposed to be about your PLAN. It is your statement to explain what you are doing. So read about work being done in fields that interest you, and choose your career.

Not only that, but choose your specialization within that career.

Then, you will be ready to write the PS and escape from this town to explore what is waiting.

Undergraduate / Chased by a dog. College admissions essay. West Chester. [3]


Yes, it is funny, not dumb! Especially here. But put the period inside the " marks like this:
"...so sweet."

When you get to college you will use MLA, maybe, and that citation style requires you to put an author's name inside the " marks, and you'll include an author's name and page number like this:

"Victory has never been so sweet" (Loughran 28).

Ha ha, but nevermind that for now.

Anyway, the point is that this is very good and well written. You obviously have a complex way of thinking, as the writing reflects, and it is probably okay that you "barely qualify." Everyone knows that your performance during high school education is not necessarily an indicator of your potential. Lots of brilliant people never felt inspired in high school.

Add to the conclusion. Let this being chased by a dog become a metaphor to represent something about your intention and purpose for these next few years. Be creative, and come up with 3 or 4 sentences that elaborate on the SYMBOLIC IMPORTANCE of this story.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The increasing business and culture contact between countries. [6]


You did! That is correct. But it could be much better. You could spend a whole paragraph expressing the entire argument that would be made by someone who disagrees with you, and at the end of that paragraph use 1 or 2 sentences to show why your way of thinking is still better, nevertheless. :-)

If you express all of the opponent's argument and then do away with all of it, your own argument will be stronger.

Research Papers / A cause consequence analysis - Researched Argument Paper-Global Warming [3]

Well, there is so much written about global warming that it should be easy to find examples of what people can write about it, but it is also very important to avoid just doing something others have already done.

Read an article, and write a paragraph about it's main idea. Do this for about 3 articles, and you'll have three body paragraphs. That is when you should look for the main idea emerging in the paragraphs and it will become the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

You should make an argument about the long term consequences, just as the prof suggested. Start by reading one article, and write one body paragraph about it. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!" --ancient Chinese adage :-)

But do not try to plan it before you read some articles. The reading must come first, and every time you read something you can write a paragraph about it.

Writing Feedback / Internet censorship + Mandatory college curriculum - essays for CLEP english comp [2]

Capitalize Internet.

Censorship pertaining to the internet is an extremely volatile topic. --- don't begin with a statement of the obvious. Begin with something intribugin or unexpected.

Capitalize: Chaplinsky

Capitalize the Supreme Court

I like the very specific thesis statement of the second one. However, this part is weak: We wouldn't ask a Business major to take anatomy and we shouldn't expect a nurse to be a calculus whiz.----The core classes required at all schools would not include calc or anatomy. They would include some classes that are very fundamental. In order to make a strong argument, refute the argument that your opponent would make. In this cane, your opponent would argue that some subjects must be studied by all who want to consider themselves educated.

In all argumentative essays, use this technique: refute the counterargument.

:-) Good luck with the clep!!

Undergraduate / "A focus of a journalist": achievement, risk, or experience essay [8]

Hello, I like your essay! Especially this theme about getting a ride on the bomber: amateur photographers who managed to snag airplane rides -- this is a funny detail.

I'll move a comma and add a dash:
It wasn't necessary to complete my story, and if I didn't concentrate on my work on the ground I wouldn't be much of a journalist -- just a scam artist.

...that first goal of flying to fly, but I didn't mind.

When I wrote the article, I wasn't just thinking of how it would help my career; in a small way, I was repaying the veterans with gratitude.

You did a great job!

Essays / How to structure an essay with the title, examine the changes in social policy [4]

Here is another page that will help: Collection of Example Essays -- "good structure"

This is how I help people achieve good structure:
1. begin the essay with an interesting, attention-grabbing sentence.
2.) End the first paragraph with a thesis statement that expresses the essay's main idea.
3.) Let each paragraph be about a single idea that is expressed in the "topic sentence" (google "topic sentence" to learn about it.

4.) Make sure every topic sentence is a sentence that helps show that your thesis statement is true.
5.) In the conclusion, reflect on the IMPLICATIONS of what you showed in the essay.

This is my secret formula for good structure!