Writing Feedback / Technology versus art - what is an essential subject for children at school [3]

Swati, welcome to EssayForum :) I believe that this is a good place to improve your writing skill. I hope that my contributions will be helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing task 2. With regards to your essay, you can see the detailed descriptions of my feedback below, particularly the introduction paragraph.

1st paragraph:
- Art as a subject in school has beenbecome an increasingly arguable topic these days .
- One portion of the world population(flowery language)It is argued thatbelieves art as a subject is just a wastagewaste of time, whilewhilst others consider it as vital portion of human generationfor schoolchildren.(another flowery language, be careful)

- In this essay, first Firstly, this essay will showdiscuss about how modern technology are replacingcan replace art and secondly , then will show how art helps children, then finally will presentwhich followed by reasonable conclusion.

2nd paragraph:
- WeMost people cannot thinklive their life without technology. (cannot think? just be careful, it was ambiguous)
- ...computer-literacy has become essential for everyone, and onea person who does not know how to handleoperate computer is usually considered as computer-illiteracy.(computer is something that is operated, not handled.)

Aside from grammatical corrections for 2nd paragraph, I think that your ideas were a little bit jumpy. At first, you were talking about modern technology in general for your topic sentence, but in the previous paragraph, you've mentioned about how modern technology are replacing art. Thus, I think you need to explain your point about "how modern technology are replacing art" in introduction paragraph first, rather than come up with the general means of modern technology by saying this phrase "modern technology is indivisible part".

As you can see, you still need a lot of works to be done in improving your writing skill. I believe that you can improve it for the next practice. Do let us know if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Would you rather be a leader or a member of a group? Leaders also learn a lot / experience asset [2]

Mingyu, the detailed descriptions below are my contributions toward your essay. I hope you find it helpful.

1st paragraph:
- SoThus, I wouldwant to be a leader whenif I have chance to choose one of options:whether becomes a leader or be a member of a group. (in academic essay, "So" is considered as coordinating conjunction, not a cohesive device)

- A le adersdoes not only do many things but also learnS a lot.

However, after several times of thinking I reckon that your introduction paragraph needs to be revised completely rather than following my corrections above. I have some tips (including examples) for you about how to write a good and strong introduction paragraph in argumentative essay.

1. Paraphrase the question or create a general topic related to the question
- These days, people generally have their own preferences about whether being a leader or a member of a group.

2. Write a thesis statement
- However, for me, I would definitely like to be a leader due to its two main benefits.

3. Outline your thesis statement
- Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that being a leader can strengthen his or her own profile and secondly, discuss the invaluable experience of being a leader.

The complete introduction paragraph should be like this:

These days, people generally have their own preferences about whether being a leader or a member of a group. However, for me, I would definitely like to be a leader due to its two main benefits. Firstly, I am going to discuss the fact that being a leader can strengthen his or her own profile and secondly, discuss the invaluable experience of being a leader.

3 sentences 64 words.

Writing Feedback / In under developed countries, touriusm has disadvanages and can be said the opposites [3]

Smith, at first I think that you need to write a proper title for your thread next time. It is because a proper title can help the reader to read and check your essay. You have to know that there are many types of argumentative essays. This essay can be IELTS, TOEFL, or college assignment, who knows? Therefore, you are suggested to write like this "(IELTS Task 2) In under developed countries, tourism has disadvantages and can be said the opposites" or this "(TOEFL) In under developed countries, tourism has disadvantages and can be said the opposites" , or many other types of argumentative essays that I have mentioned above.

However, I would like to give my feedback relating to your weaknesses with hope that you can strengthen it in the next practice. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

- As mentioned above by one of EssayForum members, contractions should not be used in academic essays. This contraction(s) can make your essay less formal, also it will badly damage the final grading of your essay.

- Avoid over-using cohesive devices one of these: Also, people to people contact not only benefited economically, also, made people more... Unfortunately, I have seen many of them in your essay. You need to remember that this problem can make your essay can't achieve more than 5.0. in coherence and cohesion part. This is because according to IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors is that if you "makes inadequate, inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices" you will get 5.0.

- Sentence fragment is also dangerous, avoid making them will definitely enhance your grammatical range and accuracy score. For instance, "Although, there are some drawbacks." this sentence is incomplete and considered as fragmented because you only wrote 1 clause there. It actually needs 1 more clause because you have already write cohesive device (Although) in this essay.

There you have it Smith, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Good luck in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) Results number of vistors to Ashdown Museum [7]

I suppose the above question should be like this "Can you teach me how to upload pictures on an essay?". However, I think that uploading picture is not really difficult at all. It is almost the same as any other forums on the Internet. I hope that my easy-to-follow tutorial can help you in uploading a picture/graph/diagram, especially in relation to IELTS writing task 1.

1. Click "+Thread" button below search box on the top-right corner of the https://essayforum.com/ homepage,

2. Then, you can choose the proper writing categories. In this case, "writing feedback" is suggested for IELTS writing task 1,

3. Do not forget to write a proper title like what you have done previously,

4. You can see three types of buttons (Bold), (Italic), and (Strike) on the lower part of the current page,

5. Click on A transparent "attach image" button on the right side of (Strike) button.

6. Then, you can choose to add the #1 picture by clicking "Browse" button (maximum 2 pictures)

7. Choose the picture that you are going to upload, write your essay, and then click "start new thread" button.

Voila! Your image should be appeared on the new thread that you have created. I hope you can follow through the tutorial given. Good luck in writing a new IELTS writing task 1 (including picture).

Scholarship / Essay about "The Greatest Success Of My Life" for one of the scholarship requirements. [4]

Hi Ashri, welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see someone who has a good spirit to apply for a scholarship. I would be happy if I can be helpful. However, when I read the title (The Greatest Success of My Life), I think that the meaning of the title is quite similar to LPDP scholarship (Sukses Terbesar dalam Hidupku), but the different is the language use. This one is English, but LPDP scholarship is in Bahasa Indonesia. Or perhaps, has the requirement changed? Is it should be in English? I have already checked the website just now but it is still the same as the previous criteria.

With regards to your essay, I reckon that I am going to focus on your weaknesses in order to further enhance your essay structure by giving some alternative solutions from your mistakes. I hope you can read the detailed descriptions carefully and catch the important points given below.

- You need to remember that maximum words limit is really crucial. If the maximum is 700 words, do not surpass the limitation given. I suggest you to reduce the amount of words that you were used and make it below 700 words. Perhaps, you can aim for 675 - 690 words maximum by summarizing some important points.

- As I know, scholarship essay is usually related to an academic one. You have to know that in an academic essay, FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) should not be used in the beginning of the sentence like what you have done in you essay. These are considered as coordinating conjunction(s) and not supposed to be a cohesive device(s). Using it in academic essay will make your essay becomes less formal.

- Avoid making fragment like this: "This is because the 'success' is a journey which includes various life goals that can possibly beto be achieved." (Sentence fragment, missing 1 clause. This sentence have to be consisted of more than one clause because you have put a connector (because) there.)

Overall, the development of your essay is actually understandable because of a good grammatical control of yours. Therefore, you can proofread your essay and revise some parts by considering my feedback. Do not hesitate to ask further assistance if you need. I hope my feedback will be fruitful towards your writing development. Good luck for that :)

Undergraduate / Autobiography - Simple Introduce myself [6]

Hi Derek, welcome to EssayForum :) This place is truly a remarkable place to improve your essay development. With regards to your essay, honestly I do not have any experience in writing any autobiography but I think I can give some contributions related to grammatical range and accuracy.

1st paragraph:
- After summer vacation, I will up toam going to be in the third grade. (if this is a plan, I think that "be going to" is more appropriate)

- I was born from normal family and have two sisters who are older than me by over five years older than me . (so, the other families are abnormal? I need the word "normal" here can be ambiguous. It is better to omit it or change it becomes small/large family)

- They are like my mother so that I always think that I have three mothers in my life. However, It is very lucky to have two sisters like them because...(more explanation on this would be better I guess)

2nd paragraph:
- ...comic book called "SLAMDUNK " when I was a child.
- SoThus, my first dream is to become basketball player when I was small.(ambiguous, what do you mean by small here? small size or small age? or small what? and I think it was quite redundant to the previous sentence)

- ButHowever, I realized I couldn'tcould not(avoid using contractions) make this dream come true when I was in the secondary school because my height iswas not tall enough, I only have 170cm. (it is better to combine those two sentences)

- Sometimes, I dismantled electronic products such likeas telephone and computer speaker.

There you have it Derek, I hope my feedback would be your preference to further proofread your essay later on. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / Six categories of energy consumed / predicted to use - in the US over a period of 50 years. [4]

Mandy, I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. I would like to give additional analysis towards your essay development by pointing out your weaknesses with hope that you will be able to strengthen it in the next practice. Therefore, I hope you can follow through my feedback in the detailed descriptions below.

- Minimum words limit is really essential. If this was a handwriting, 158 words of your essay is possible to be counted as below 150 words. My suggestion is that you should aim for 165 - 190 words for IELTS task 1 writing.

- Your paragraphing style was not well-structured. You need to remember that a paragraph should at least consists of 3 sentences. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, particularly your third paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which becomes one of the important criteria in IELTS writing task 1. So the following still needs work.

In 1980, around 35 quadrillion (1st sentence)
Nuclear, Solar / Wind and Hydropower... (2nd sentence)
In addition,.... (3rd sentence)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) Results number of vistors to Ashdown Museum [7]

Hi Yunana, first of all, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen your essay writing skill in the next practice. I hope you can follow through the detailed feedback below.

- If you only give the link of your picture, that would not be helpful. I think it is better to upload it here rather than only paste the link. Besides, picture will ease us in reading or checking your essay.

- 150 words minimum for task 1 is really crucial. Your essay was only 146 words. You need to add more information to fulfill the minimum words requirement. If you keep writing below 150 words, I am afraid this will badly damage your score.

- Instead of separating the first and the second paragraph, it is better for you to combine them. Starting from this sentence "The table compares..." to "... increase 18,000 people.". Well-developed paragraph is still better than underdeveloped paragraph.

- To make your paragraph well-structured, you need to make sure that each paragraph in your essay should have at least 3 sentences. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences or even 1 sentence per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

That's it Yunana, I hope my contributions above would be helpful towards your writing development. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / People are never satisfied with what they have; they want something more or something different [4]

Hi Akkari, while referring to similar discussions, I notice that this is actually a TOEFL integrated essay (correct me if I'm wrong). However, I would like to give a complete feedback and corrections, especially in the first and the second paragraph. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ...aim to subsist on healthy and satisfiyingsatisfying conditions in order to live gleefully.
- Although,Indubitably, only a fat cat can maintain an affluent life. (avoid over-using cohesive devices like this, one of them is enough)
- Therefore, the main focus is, can people feel really satisfied of what they have and enjoy ana utopian status? (u = pronounced yu which considered as consonant, not a vowel. It is the same case as university. a University not an University)

2nd paragraph:
- ...as a matter of fact, it'sit is in the human nature to never... (avoid using contraction in an academic essay)
- The psychological phenomenon I'mI am referring to is (the same case as above)
- ...better day generates the feeling of unsatisfactoriness anyone has. (are you sure that unsatisfactoriness is the correct word? check it again in dictionary. I think the correct one is"... generates unsatisfactory feeling that anyone has.")

There you have it Akkari, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. I purposely left the other two paragraphs to be checked by you, other members, or even contributors in this forum. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Payment Disparity in Sports: Sexist or Economic [3]

Hi Julian, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to focus on your grammatical and punctuation errors in this draft. It is actually a long draft indeed. I hope that my feedback would be helpful towards your essay development. Therefore, you will see a complete feedback and corrections in the detailed descriptions below:

1st paragraph:
- You makemight ask yourself, (comma, not period)"How can that be? when They play the same sport".
- Well, (comma needed) this is where many people learn firsthand(no space needed) that professional sports are, above all else, a business.
- That is rightIndeed, the sports you love to watch on TV are just as much of a business as any other companycompanies , with more tons of more money.

2nd paragraph:
- Before we go on toexplainingabout revenue and what can be done to get more revenue flowing towards female athleticsathletes , let us first talk about...

- I would hope so because our country won the tournament. ("our" country is not the reader's country)(I have no idea you have written many personal pronouns. If this is an academic piece of writing. You should reduce the usage of personal pronouns.)

Fragmented sentences:
- The reason being that thebehind the sponsor revenue was the main factor that determines the prize pool.
- If we start wearing jerseys, then thatit will become the new norm.

I think for the rest of the essay, you need to pay attention more on fragmented or incomplete sentence. I still found some of them in the essay. You need to remember that a complete sentence (1 clause) has at least 1 subject and 1 verb. If it is more than that, you need to give connector(s). You need to also looking for inaccurate cohesive devices by proofreading your essay. Remember that if cohesive device(s) is in the beginning of the sentence, you have to give comma to avoid ambiguity. I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck in revising this draft :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay about the freedom of creative artists - [5]

No worries wauiwa, I would be glad if my feedback is really helpful. I have just read in IELTS-simon website and I think that it is all about time management. Both short and long introduction are okay (he said). For me, I would like to follow the advice from IELTSadvantage because I think it is in the middle, which is not really long and not really short. Plus, all of the sample answers in IELTSadvantage are band 9. I do really appreciate the advice that I got from there because I scored overall 7 in the last two months exam. Most of the tips in that website are really fruitful.

However, if I'm not mistaken, the rule of this forum is that before posting a new essay practice, you need to give meaningful feedback to at least two essays in this forum. Giving constructive feedback is one of the ways to improve your IELTS writing skill. I do remember one of the tips from IELTSadvantage is that you need to "think like an examiner".How? By grading other members' essays based on IELTS writing band descriptors from IELTS.org.

You can post another essay practice here after doing some research into several IELTS practice websites. I can't wait to see your improvements soon. Break a leg! :)

Research Papers / Draft Essay: Undertstanding the Average Teenager [3]

Hi Esmeralda, welcome to the team! :) I can see that you have posted additional sentence into separated thread. I suggest you to delete that thread because it will cause a direct suspension from the moderator. You need to be careful next time. However, with regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses with hope that you can strengthen your research paper later on. I hope my feedback would be useful towards your writing development.

- Contractions like "It's/haven't/isn't" and many more should not be appeared in academic essay, especially a research paper. It can only be used in informal situation or condition, perhaps in informal letter or in spoken situation. Therefore, you should avoid using them.

- I have written several research essays without using personal pronouns. As I said earlier, a research essay is an academic piece of work. Thus, personal pronouns like "we/us/our/I/you" should not be used. It will only make the essay become less formal. Your essay has some personal pronouns that can be altered into third-person point of view. For instance, you can change "we" > "people", "I" > "The writer/researcher", "I" > "he/she", and many other options available for these.

- Citation or quotation like this "Parents must learn to take time with their teenagers because it could prevent the bad choices like teenage pregnancy, drug or alcohol abuse or bad outcomes" (Nancy). should be clear. You need to write the year and the page of her/his book (if possible), for example (Nancy, 2009:2) which means Nancy in 2009 page 2. Moreover, you also need to write your references in the last part after the last paragraph in order to avoid plagiarism.

There you have it Esmeralda, I hope you can follow through the feedback. Good luck in revising this research paper. Please do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS2: advantages and disadvantages of distance learning; time and transportation / useless classes [3]

Truong, there are four essential criteria of scoring in IELTS task 2. Those are Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical range and accuracy. Each part covers 25% of your final grade. I can see why did you get only 5.5 in IELTS writing. At first glance, there were many errors relating to lexical resource, and grammatical range and accuracy. These two essential criteria covers 50% of your score. Therefore, I would like to point out the most noticeable weakness of your essay with hope that in the next practice you will improve your score.

You have lots of problems relating to singular/plural nouns that should be fixed. The descriptions below would make it all clear:
1st paragraph:
- ...many opportunities for studentS around the world... (we are talking about a lot of students, so that "student" should in its plural form)

- These programS are... ("these" should be followed by plural noun)
- I strongly think that the benefitS of this program can pass the disadvantages of it. (should be "benefits". How come 1 benefit can surpass many disadvantages? besides, your third paragraph mention "many benefits")

2nd paragraph:
- ...denied that not every students have time.. ("every" should be followed by singular noun)
- This course giveS the ability for... (singular noun should be followed by Verb+s/es in the positive form of simple present tense)

3rd paragraph:
- ...the normal class has also havehad many benefits too. (this is past participle)
- TeacherS are human... ("are" followed by plural noun)
- the acknowledgement of these programS can... (word formation problem, acknowledge (verb) should be in noun form (acknowledgement). "These" should be followed by plural noun)

There you have it Truong, I think that I would completely assess your essay if you have already overcome these grammatical problems. Besides, this is too bulky for an IELTS task 2 essay. 300 - 350 words maximum would be enough rather than 457 words. Good luck for the next practice :) (Remember, an IELTS writing practice is not revising the previous essay, but you need to write a new one)

Writing Feedback / In a modern world people always face the dilemma to own a car. Perspective for the next 20 years. [3]

Khaledd, welcome to the team :) Before moving on to the feedback, I will not get bored to remind all of the new members, including you, in this forum to always give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph of their essays. This will help us to read and check your essay easily without distracted by the gap-less paragraph. However, with regards to your essay, the detailed descriptions below are my contributions towards your essay development. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- In a modernized world, people always face the dilemma... (comma needed)
- ...some people if asked would agree with the statement that people will use more cars in their daily life while others would mention that the questionit("it" refers to "the statement") depends on a great deal of factors.(you need to be careful of over-generalizing. This can be considered more than 10 factors or even hundred of factors.)(I think it is better to say "several" factors instead of "great deal".)

- As far as I'mI am(avoid using contractions in academic essay) concerned, I adopt a firm position that the number of cars will decrease in twenty years.(at least this thesis statement, needs a brief outline)

2nd paragraph:
- First of all, it'sit is important to consider... (another contraction problem)
- that could supply peoplefor centuries .supply people for centuries.(mind the punctuation, it usually becomes one of the essential scoring criteria)
- ThisIn turn, this affected the cost of the fuel...

3rd paragraph:
- The equallyequalimportantimportance is that gas emissions polluted the air. Of courseAs a result, for some people in some situations,... ("of course" is only for informal or spoken situation)

- They protested that gas emissions causescause some respiratory illnesses and these cause people to suffer serious helthhealth problems to the end of their lives.

- ... precautions to prevent this problem. Now in TukeyTurkey , a familiyfamily
- As it is clear, due to the the health problems caused by car emissions, (comma needed) governments started to control the car sales.(space and period needed)

As you can see, there are lots of punctuation errors. You need to be careful next time. Perhaps, you can proofread your essay several times before posting it here to avoid such mistakes. Good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / Transfer Application to University of Michigan: What unique qualities attract you to this school? [2]

Hi Jess, welcome to EssayForum :) Before moving on to my feedback, I would like to remind you that you need to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph to ease the reader to read or check your essay. However, I hope you can follow through the feedback below.

1st paragraph:
- I am not as interested in being a park ranger as I am understandinglearning the biology of the world... (understanding is not a verb)

- WithT hat said, the College of Literature, Science, and Arts appears to be the program whichcallingcalls my name.

2nd paragraph:
- WithinIn the College of Literature, Science, and Arts, the program of Ecology & Evolutionary Biology inspires students to actually want to learn as well as promoting real-life situations for students to think critically. (somehow, "actually" conveys negative sense)

- ...I was able to see the many opportunities for students.
- ...inform us about the many research facilities.
- This information alone stuck with me. Since then, I have been (you have been what? mind the sentence structure, how about this:This information has been stuck with me since that memorable tour)

4th paragraph:
- This is the one that goes above and beyond teaching students who want to make an impact. (fragment, this sentence was missing subject and verb)

Overall, the development of ideas in this essay is well-written. You only need to follow my feedback above to strengthen your essay structure. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay about the freedom of creative artists - [5]

Hi wauiwa, perhaps for the next post it is better for you to complete your data as a member in EssayForum.com. Despite meaningless feedback, I reckon that unclear data can also cause suspension. It will be really unfortunate if you get suspended in this remarkable website. However, with regards to your essay, I can see that it is too sudden to have a practice in this forum in quite a short time. Usually, I can respond within 24 hours, but Muslims, including me, from all over the world were celebrating IED in the last two days. So, that is the reason why I was quite inactive. I hope that my feedback would not be too late.

Task Response:
- I notice that you were able to address all parts of the task but seems to me some parts were fully covered than others. This is the importance of having a balance development of a paragraph. Your first body conveys 2 main ideas and your second body paragraph conveys 3 main ideas. I reckon that this is an imbalance paragraph development. Moreover, your conclusion was too simple, it is only restating what the your point in short. It can be considered as unclear or repetitive. This causes difficulty in achieving band 7 in task response. For me, this essay is around 6 or 6.5 maximum. Remember, a band 7 in task response should have all the following:

> address all parts of the task
> present a clear position throughout the response
> presents, extends, and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Your essay was lack of overall progression. There is no thesis statement and outline of your thesis statement in your introduction paragraph. Again, your introduction is almost the same as your conclusion, too simple. You need to be careful since "lack of overall progression" is one of the criteria of band 5. Furthermore, you need to remember that each body paragraph needs a concluding sentence. You can say "Therefore/all in all or many more cohesive devices related to conclusion. Thus, I think this essay is only worth 5 or maximum 5.5 for coherence and cohesion part. Remember, a band 7 in coherence and cohesion should have all the following:

> logically organises information and ideas, there is a clear progression throughout
> uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under/over-use
> presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

As seen, by improving those two parts I am really sure that you will get your desirable score. This is because you have no serious problem with lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy. However, do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. :)

Writing Feedback / The causes of less productive agricultural land degradation during the 1990s in 3 continents [2]

Naomi, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. Instead of separating those paragraph, it is better to combine it. Your mistake was separating the information into the two paragraphs you presented. Format your opening paragraph into at least three sentences this way:

The pie chart provides... (1st sentence)
It is clear that... (2nd sentence)
In addition... (3rd sentence)

The first body of your essay has already well-developed. Three sentences would be adequate to the reader or examiner. This is the evidence that you have delivered a well-developed information in order to make the reader or examiner understand what your point is.

However, your last paragraph was unfortunate. You accidentally only created two sentences for that. You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

Although the major reason... (1st sentence)
In fact,... (2nd sentence)
Furthermore... (3rd sentence)

Writing Feedback / Should kids study a foreign language as early as possible? IELTS2 [7]

Hi Dicki, I can see that you have gathered very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum members and contributors. Thus, I would like to give additional insights towards your essay with hope that you can consider this as your future writing reference.

- Spelling! This is really crucial in IELTS writing, either task 1 or task 2. It is mentioned clearly in the band descriptors that you will get band 5 in Lexical resource part if you "make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader" . The descriptions below are your spelling problems and the corrections.

> Fot = For
> Subjecs = Subjects
> Challanges = Challenges
> Applicate = Apply (false word formation)
> Mades = Made
> Environtment = Environment
> Beacuse = Because
> Knowed = Knew (irregular form)
> Cuture = Culture
> Childrens = Children ("children" is already plural)

- Contraction! "That's ..." should be "That is..." Using contractions will also affect the scoring criteria. You are suggested to void using it in IELTS writing.

- Capitalization is also crucial. iI tend to agree that... This is related to grammatical range and accuracy, especially about grammatical and punctuation errors.

- Another suggestion from the same sentence "I tend to agree that...", I think that the phrase "tend to" means the activity hasn't done yet. It is still in progress of they are going to do that. I believe that it is recommended to write "I firmly agree" or "I strongly agree that..." rather than "tend to". Somehow, I think the sense if different when you only mention your 'tendency' compared to 'agreement'.

As you can see, some feedback have been mentioned in order to strengthen your essay in the next practice. Good luck for that! :)

Writing Feedback / Admission to a school should not depend from a person's gender - task 2 writing ielts [6]

Nguyen, I do apologize for making you wait for a long time. With regards to your questions, I would like to answer it as clear as possible. I hope you can understand it clearly.

I assume that the first question is about "how to get more natural voice in the essay?". Then, the answer would be:
- I reckon that the term "natural voice" is only for speaking format (correct me if I'm wrong). For writing, it is usually about coherence and cohesion. How to make a coherent essay? It is usually related to your organization of ideas. To make it coherent, you can follow the following format:

Introduction paragraph:
1. Give some background to the topic and refer to the topic of the essay using some facts (taken from the question if they are included). Reverse some of the information, paraphrase, and use some synonyms.

2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay.

Body paragraph(1 or 2):
1. Give one idea
2. Give a reason why this idea is true
3. Give an example of it
4. Say what the implication / effects of this example are
5. Conclude the paragraph

Next, I assume that your second question is about "is that ok with those linking words i used in the essay?"
- The answer is yes. That was okay. The thing that you need to avoid is to make linking words by using coordinating conjunctions. FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) should not be used in the beginning of the sentence. This only makes your essay becomes less formal, and therefore affecting your grading process.

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare? [6]

Hi Akkari, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen your essay later on. I hope you can find it helpful towards your essay-writing skill development. Now, you can see the detailed descriptions of your weaknesses and some suggestions below.

- In academic essay, it is not recommended to use contraction(s) like "They're, it's, you're...". You should make those in proper format, such as "they are, it is, you are..". Using contraction(s) only make your essay becomes less formal or less academic.

- Cambridge academic writing skill book said that in academic essay you also need to avoid using coordinating conjunctions in the beginning of the sentence. The coordinating conjunctions are FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). Using one of these in the beginning of the sentence will also make your essay becomes less academic. I have seen that you have used "So" several times, and therefore you can use "Thus/Hence/As a result" instead of "So".

- Personal pronouns should also be avoided in academic essay. You have used them too much. Perhaps, "we" can be replaced by "people", and "you" can also be substituted by "people". Switching from first or two person to third person point of view is necessary.

- Avoid stating informal words or phrase such as "hot chicks". You cannot expect older people or even your teacher will consider this as proper words. This phrase can only be seen on American movies not in written format.

Those are my contributions relating to how to write an essay academically. However, if your writing was not related to an academic essay, you can just ignore all of the suggestions above. I did focusing on academic point of view because I think your essay's content is related to that. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Undergraduate / 'all drugs come with side effects' - Issue of importance; feel free to critique any mistakes. [8]

Hi Maha, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the right place to get feedback or corrections about your essay. I am sure that you will learn something by considering the feedback given. Thus, the detailed descriptions below are my contributions towards your essay. I hope you will find it helpful for your future writing reference.

1st paragraph:
- ...our nation and nations like ours have long been plagued... (comma is unnecessary)
- ...as baffling as it is widespread. This is a problem that finds... (to avoid confusion, it is suggested to separate this sentence)

2nd paragraph:
- These medications help in functioning but at the same time... (functioning what? this sentence needs a proper object)
- This seems like wepeople are dependent on the use of medications... (if this is an academic essay, avoid using personal pronoun(s))
- One of the personSinamong many different drug users is my dad.
- I ask him that whether do he feels overloaded of medications or not , and he answered that now taking drugs is his habit.
- I had never findfound myself opposed to the use of medication tilluntil when I read one of dad's drugS named.. (till = informal)

- This takes me to check another prescription side effect or other prescription side effects(choose one of them)
- These drugs are not only waken the immune system but also makesmake body habitual ofget used to their usage.
- ...one of the highest usageS of medications...

As you can see, I hope those remarks would be helpful for you or other members in proofreading this essay, especially for the last three paragraphs. I hope you can follow through. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Undergraduate / Georgetown University essay - discuss extracurricular activity that you are most involved in [7]

Hello Adam, aside from the feedback above. I would like to make sure about something related to the prompt. The prompt mentioned that "discuss extracurricular activity that you are most involved in". Don't you think that this is related to the recent activity that you are involving in? But, most of your essay content discussed about past activities. I just want to confirm it to you before you submit it. The prompt in an essay is a crucial thing. You need to focus in answering the prompt correctly.

However, perhaps the thing that you can do is shifting the language usage from past tense into present tense or present perfect tense. This is to shift the sense to the reader that those are your regular extracurricular activities or your routines, not past activities. It just appeared to my concern because I have an experience of failure due to inaccurately answering the prompt like what you did. Moreover, another suggestion from me related to this sentence "So when I decided I wanted to do some community services ...". "So" is one of the word that usually is called as coordinating conjunction, not a formal cohesive device. Therefore, using it would make your essay becomes less formal. In academic essay, FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) should not appear in the beginning of the sentence. I hope this will be helpful if you haven't submitted the essay yet. Good luck for revising your University entrance essay :)

Scholarship / Mental Health Scholarship Essay - your life with mental illness, the struggles you've encountered... [5]

Hi Katheryn, it is nice to read one of your essays. I believe this is my first time in reading yours. You have also gathered some helpful advice from EssayForum member and contributor. However, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen it in the next draft or revision. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful.

- I can see that you have used a lot of contractions in your essay. This is not suggested in formal academic writing. You are supposed to write formally and politely. Contractions make the essay looks less formal and it looks like a spoken form, not a written one. You need to shift the words "didn't" becomes "did not", "I'm" becomes "I am", and many more in your essay.

- If the prompt wants "a 1-3 page essay" why did you only write 2? or even 1 and a half page. You need to add more information in your paragraph due to fulfilling the prompt until at least 2 full-pages. My suggestion is that you can focus on your solution, how to overcome the problem that you have encountered. You can elaborate more on this part by adding 1 or 2 more paragraphs.

- Avoid making fragment(s), I have found two noticeable fragments from your essay. This can somehow affecting the scoring or grading criteria related to grammatical range and accuracy.

(First) Even when I do feel confident I'm still second guessing myself or worrying that it will come back to me in the end.

- Even when I do feel confident,I am still guessing myself a second time or worrying that it will come back to me in the end. (red marks are my corrections, missing the first comma made the sentence confusing and ambiguous)

(Second) The stereotypes that that are built do nothing but confine the mentally ill and make it harder for us to speak up about their disorders. (quite a simple mistake but can be dangerous)

There you are Katheryn, some weaknesses have been pointed out and I hope you can follow through. Overall, the essay was really good and well-written indeed. Good luck in revising this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Some people concede that life was superior in major avenues 100 years ago. [4]

Hi Azamat, I can see that you have posted several essays in this forum. I think that you've already known about giving at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph. This would ease the reader in reading or checking your essay. However, if you want to know the approximate band score of your essay, I would be glad to help you. My assessment below is based on IELTS writing band descriptors of TASK 2, I hope my feedback would be as accurate as the real one.

Task Response
- It is quite difficult to assess this part of scoring due to unclear prompt of your essay. However, I just assume that this is an agree-disagree essay of IELTS task 2. I notice that you have addressed all parts of the task although some parts are fully covered than others. This is because you only support your ideas in your first body paragraph. In the second body paragraph you were back-clashing your own ideas. I think you need to use concession rather than elaborating the negative side of your idea in a separated paragraph. This can make your essay cannot go further than 6.5 for a task response.

Coherence and Cohesion
- You have logically organized all the information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression. You have also used cohesive devices effectively, even though cohesion within sentences were faulty or mechanical. For instance, when you write "on the other hand, however", both cohesive devices actually have the same meaning in which this make it redundant. "The abovementioned enhancement and meanwhile" also experienced the same issue.These errors cannot make your essay go further than 6.5 for coherence and cohesion part.

As you can see, I skipped the other two parts of scoring (lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy) because 50% of the criteria has been graded in which I reckon it covers almost all necessary parts. However, I think that the whole essay is already good and well-written. 6.5 is already good enough for an IELTS writing, especially for applying postgraduate degree. Congratulations for that :)

Scholarship / Study Objective and personal statement, I want someone to advice and check my essay. [4]

Hi Naing Win, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to give some contributions toward your essay, especially from the first to the third paragraph. I hope that you can follow through the feedback given, and apply some of the corrections into the whole essay if possible. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- In early June 2016, the China's ambassador of Myanmar visitvisitedto Myit Kyi Na, Kachin State.
- The protestors demonstrated against the Ambassador's pushespushing for MyitSone Dam restart. (present participle is applicable here, instead of using 2 clauses)
- The kyauk phyu local people showshowed yellow signal for Kyauk Phyu Special Zones because the problems created by Shwe Gas Pipelines Project arewere not solved. (I think that this sentence is still related to the previous sentence time signal)

- CITIC won a tender for development of deep sea ports...

2nd paragraph:
- Military government iswas fighting with ethnic armed forces...

3rd paragraph:
- Since it was clear that reformreformation was in process after the 2010 election, potential investors havehad flocked to Myanmar looking ...
- Late in 2012In late 2012 , a new foreign investment law was finally passed...
- Policy makers had a tendencyintend to invite FDI with that law.

4th paragraph:
- ButHowever , the problem is wide investment of foreign... (You need to avoid using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence in academic essay. This is considered as coordinating conjunction, and therefore should not be placed in the beginning of the sentence, otherwise your essay will become less formal)

As seen, some corrections have been delivered clearly. I hope to see the revision of the draft soon. Good luck in submitting your essay :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Social Networking Good or Bad to children? The high rate of internet usage concerns people. [5]

Larry, welcome to the team :)

1st paragraph
- ...accessing internet becomebecomes a major part of daily life.
- This high rate of Internet usage has been brought a especialspecial concern among youngsters, especially on the use of social networking site.
- Some parentparents contend that the social networking site reducereduces the human communication.
- Therefore, (comma needed) we should...
- However, some people assert that social networking site is a new form of communication and we should further promote it further .
- While I acknowledge both sides of compelling arguments, I believe that the benefitS of social networking site isare far outweighed than the disadvantages, and this essay will discusses two main advantages. (be careful in making a long-but-inaccurate sentence. It is suggested to make a sentence structure that is not that complicated in order to avoid inaccuracies)

As I can see from your last sentence in introduction paragraph, you've mentioned "two advantages", but in fact you've also mentioned some disadvantages. Therefore, you need to be careful in writing an outline. The reader were expecting only two advantages presented, but then you came up with additional unnecessary information. However, I think that for the next practice you need to write clearly what is or what are the questions in order to make us easy to read and check it. This essay I think it is still ambiguous due to two possibilities i.e. whether advantages-disadvantages essay or the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Those are quite similar but different. I hope to see any improvements in the next writing practice, mind the corrections given and be more careful about spelling and grammatical errors. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / 'console games became the least popular': The global sales of different types of digital games IELTS [3]

Chou, I would like to try to assess your writing based on IELTS writing band descriptors of task 1, especially in Task Achievement part. It is actually quite similar to IELTS task 2, but it has slight different term. If in Task 2 you can see Task Response, but in Task 1 you will see Task Achievement. However, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback and assessment towards your essay. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

Task Achievement:
- I can see that you have addressed the requirements of the task. You have also presented an overview with information appropriately selected. However, I think the key features or bullet points could be more fully extended if you want to reach more than 6.5. For instance, in these sentences "Meanwhile, online games grew steadily from 1 billion to 9 billion dollars. This rise was particularly noticeable between 2003 and 2006, during which time the sales of online games tripled. " can be summarized and then elaborated further by adding more information instead of restating it again. You can write this "Meanwhile, between 2003 and 2006, the sales of online games was gradually tripled from 1 billion to 9 billion dollars." You can elaborate it further by mentioning "the exact same amount of sales for both online and mobile phone games in 2004" . The point is to make you see and write what others can't see from the chart.

Writing Feedback / More studying means a better education. IELTS Writing #2 - Boarding schools vs Day schools [2]

Naomi, I would like to try to asses your writing based on IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors. There are four essential criteria in grading an IELTS task 2 essay. The detailed feedback and assessment would be appeared in the descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

Task Response:
- It is good to see you have able to address all parts, in this case "both views". However, it is also unfortunate that your second body paragraph was fully covered than others. This should be avoided in the next practice. Moreover, it is indeed you have expressed your position but the development is unclear and no conclusions drawn for each body paragraph. Therefore, your score in this part cannot go further than 5.5

Coherence and Cohesion:
- The information and ideas have been written coherently but there is no overall progression in the introduction paragraph. The overall progression can be the outline of your essay. What is going to be appeared in the body paragraphs. Thus, 5.0 was the maximum score that you can earn for this essay.

In sum, I reckon those two essential marking schemes would be helpful because it covers 50% of your overall score in task 2. I hope you can improve your writing skill in the next practice by considering my feedback above. Good luck Naomi :)

Graduate / What are your specific expectations from the Master in Management?, My draft is as follows. [5]

Hi Aman, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to also say sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. With regards to your essay, I can see that you want to add some eye-catchy phrases or sentences. I would be happy to help you with that. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below along with some corrections:

1st paragraph
- If there is a will, there is a way. I believe when I amwhile working in my family business I tried to adopt maximum....... (I gave you additional hook)

- ...grow up to an outstanding extent. (you need to explain it clearly to what extent?)
- Pursuant to this involvement, (comma needed) I realized that I (mind the capitalization) needed to learn some valuable skills about management of organization and peopleorganizational managements and people skills to expand my uncle's business further.

- I applied the knowledge and skill-set by leading marketing team of ourmy uncle's factory which helped us achieve short-term targets. (it wasn't the reader's factory, remember that. No need to write "our")

- Furthermore, this achievement elucidated the reasons of hurdles faced by usme and my uncle in other areas too.

For further feedback, I think you need to shift the usage of personal pronouns in your essay (except me/my/I) . Also, you need to remember that capitalization is essential. Lastly, your second paragraph and first paragraph's weight is somewhat different. The gap was too wide I think. Perhaps, you can make it balance by transferring or adding additional ideas to the first paragraph in order to make it equal to the second paragraph. I hope you can follow through :) Good luck in revising your draft

Writing Feedback / People in the UK above the age of 4, who chose either listen to the radio or watch TV during one day [4]

Naomi, in the descriptions below are my contributions towards your essay. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

- The diagram provides the information ofabout the people in the UK above the...
- According to the chart, from 6 to 8 AM the number of radio audiences had raised sharply,...from 6 to about 8 AM . (avoid ambiguity, your previous sentence was unclear whether the radio audiences had raised, or the time had raised from 6 to 8 AM.)

- From 10 to 12 at night, the number of listeners/viewers dropped dramatically from 10 to 12 at night.(another ambiguity problem)
- From then, at 8 PM, the television audiences leveled off til 8 PM.

As seen, some modifications would be helpful for the next practice. Then, with regards to you question, I would say yes it is necessary. However, the language use is somewhat different. In Task 2 you have to write "conclusion", in Task 1 you must write "overview". You can see in the IELTS band descriptors of writing task 1, especially in task response part. If you want to get band 6 or above you need to "present an overview with information appropriately selected".

Writing Feedback / Healthy lifestyle and state budget. IELST writing task 2 - update question 25 June 2016 [3]

Hi Prisca, welcome to the team :) I would like to help you in evaluating your essay. I have noticed that you have a difficulty in paraphrasing the question. Using synonyms are okay, but if you carelessly using them, it will possibly lead to inaccuracies, inappropriateness, or even different meaning. This is dangerous if you keep doing this in the next practice or even in the real IELTS test. It can not only lower your score in vocabulary, but also for task response, and coherence.

Here's some valuable tips regarding to synonyms that I got from ielts advantage:

- You need to be 100% sure the word that you are going to change has the same meaning.
- If you change that particular word, do not forget that the grammar must also be correct.
- You have to be more careful with the keywords from the question or the prompt.
- If you can not think about any synonyms, try to define the word briefly by using your own word.
- If you are in doubt, never try to change it. It is still better to repeat the words and be correct rather than force a synonym and be wrong.

Let me give you an alternative option for your first sentence of your introduction:

Question:
- Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill.

Paraphrase:
- It is argued that the government public money is more essential to be spent on promoting healthy lifestyle due to illness prevention than treating sick people.

As seen, you can possibly alter the structure rather than only use some synonyms like what you've done. I hope you find my feedback is helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Solutions to low birth rate in developed countries [3]

Hi Naomi, welcome to the team :) With regards to your essay, I think that you've done pretty well in answering the prompt given. Your flow of ideas is well-written. I love to see the coherence to your essay. It is remarkable indeed. However, there is no perfect essay after all. I still can see some rooms for improvements. Therefore, in the detailed descriptions below, I would like to point out some of them. I hope you can consider it as a helpful feedback.

- First thing first, I've noticed that you've used some 'contractions' in your essay. In academic essay, it should be avoided. Those contractions make the essay looks less formal.

- Second, I think that in academic essay format, you are suggested to also avoid using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. Perhaps in your essay, you can change 'and' becomes 'in addition / additionally'.

- Lastly, instead of mentioning 'several', you can just directly mention 'there are two possible solutions'. This will enhance the clarity of your essay. The examiner directly knows that there are two main ideas presented in the paragraph. It is also related to your introduction paragraph. You can make your introduction stronger if you mention the keywords of your ideas in the last sentence of your paragraph. Instead of only saying 'cause great effects', you can mention 'cause great demand in healthcare services' directly. The examiner will not guess anymore what might appear in the body paragraph if you write those keywords.

Graduate / 'zillion lessons' - A Grad School Application Essay. I need to rectify errors & improve sentences [3]

Hi Bmm, I would like to point out some of your errors or weaknesses with hope that you can revise and strengthen your sentence structure. Then, I hope the detailed explanations below would be helpful towards your revision later on.

- First, I think that this is a common problem for a new member. A new member usually forgot to give space (1 enter) for each paragraph. This will be helpful for us in reading and checking your essay. So, you are suggested to do that in the next post or the next essay drafting.

- Second, I have no idea why you were so obsessed with (!) mark. You've often used it in the whole essay. I reckon that it is not suggested to use that symbol too many. It is to avoid false interpretation. Exclamation mark is sometimes considered as rude or impolite if you put them in the wrong place.

- Third, using symbol is actually not really recommended if you are writing a formal essay, especially a grad school application essay. This makes your essay looks less formal. I have read in your essay that some symbols like "&", "!", and "/" appeared several times. You can use words instead of symbol I think. Perhaps "&" would be "and" and "/" would be "or".

As you can see Bmm, perhaps my feedback is quite simple but I think that if you are able to follow through, some improvements would be beneficial towards your application anyway. I also suggest you to upload the next draft after revising some parts of this essay. I am waiting for that. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Characteristic of business models. [4]

Yuan, I would like to help you by correcting your grammatical errors by focusing on the first two paragraph of your essay. I hope that in the rest of the paragraphs, you would be able to understand something, and then you are able to proofread your essay by yourself. However, it is also possible for other members or contributors in this forum to help you check the rest of the essay.

1st paragraph:
- Now, Wethe majority of people have known deeply about the importance of business model.
- ButHowever, how can wethose people invent, design or realize a new buinessbusiness model systematicllysystematically ?
- How can wethey question,challenge or transfer those obsolete business model? (space needed) If wethey are committed to this...
- ...committed to this, howwethey can transfer those visionary ideas intotowards business model in order to challenge the rules of game or reborn it`sits vigour.

2nd paragraph:
- The idea behind...........................overall solution. (read again this paragraph, you ONLY made 1 sentence in a paragraph. How come? you need to remember a good and strong paragraph should have at least 3 sentences. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the information you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 1 sentence per paragraph, you failto display your ability to express yourself in the English language)

Let me help you separate this sentence:

- ...to achieve customer value maximization.(stop right here, separate the sentence)The elements of.............. meet customer demand.(stop right here, separate the sentence)Then, it is also possible for the company to realize the customer value...

There you have it Yuan, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Good luck in revising the rest of the essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Admission to a school should not depend from a person's gender - task 2 writing ielts [6]

Nguyen, I can say that your target is really high. It is really difficult to achieve band 8 in IELTS, but don't worry, difficult doesn't mean impossible. If you go the extra mile in practicing IELTS writing, you'll definitely get the band score that you need. I would like to point out the things that you can possibly improve, especially in grammatical range and accuracy. This is one of the four essential criteria of IELTS writing.

1st paragraph:
- Due to changes in attitude towards gender... (mind the capitalization)
- In my view, I completely disagree with the idea of depending on gender to make schoo'sschool's admission. (there is no spelling errors for a band 8 essay)

2nd paragraph:
- Obviously , the demandemand in individual subject is totally different. (capitalization and spelling problem)
- Some fields are likely to be more attractive with women whereas most of men wouldn'twould not be favour of that. (capitalization and contraction problem. Never use any contractions for an IELTS essay. It makes your essay looks less formal)

- For example,... (another capitalization problem)
- As a result, universities... (capitalization)

As you can see, I hope you can learn something from those mistakes. I would like to give you some hints for a band 8 essay, especially in grammatical range and accuracy part. I've taken it from IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.

Band 8 in grammatical range and accuracy

- uses a WIDE RANGE of structures
- the majority of sentences are ERROR-FREE
- makes only VERY occasional errors or inappropriacies

Writing Feedback / What a strategies you have to adopt to be a good listener? Someone correct me this paragraph. [4]

Atchane, you need to pay close attention towards the prompt or the question of this essay. I think the prompt is quite clear. It asked you about the strategies that you have to adopt to be a good listener. You need to know that "YOU" is different from "WE". The prompt was asking about your strategies but your answer was talking about "WE". Who is "we" anyway?. Therefore, I think you need to shift the language usage in this essay. Let me show you how to shift the language use in the descriptions below:

- We should adopt a strategies to become a good listener.
- It is indeed that I adopt some practical strategies to become a good listener.

But wait, I think you've misunderstood about something. The question asked you about the strategies that you've adopt to be a good listener. What is good listener anyway? A good listener is someone who can listen carefully all the problems that people's share. A good listener is someone who can truly understand someone's feeling. A good listener is someone who never misses every single word that people say by taking some notes. Taking notes was okay, but what is the relation between good listener and "interesting"? Is it necessary to be interesting first before listening to anything that people say? that would be offensive for some people who consider themselves as "not interesting". Let me help you by writing an outline about this essay.

Strategies of good listener:
- paying a close attention to what the speaker says,
- taking notes about the important points,
- be patient, wait until the speaker stop speaking for a while before asking some questions.

Writing Feedback / Should government invest more money in a city infrastructure instead of public transportation? [2]

Matt, I would like to deliver my feedback in the detailed descriptions below. I hope this would be helpful towards your writing development in the next practice or even in the real TOEFL test. Therefore, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to make you able to strengthen it in the next essay practice.

- You need to know that in academic essay like this, over-using personal pronouns (we, our, you, I, us) is not recommended. This would make the essay looks less formal. Let me show you how to alter the usage of personal pronoun and make it more academically. "To satisfy the needs of the development of ourthe society in Beijing ," I would like to also add that your essay was lack of real example. You are suggested to state clearly what kind of city that you're talking about. What is the name of the city? By specifying the example, you can make the examiner or reader has a good imaginary situation about the city that you're talking about. I suggest to use one of the well-known cities in the world.

- Contractions should also be avoided. Some parts of your essay were still using one of them, for instance, "What'sWhat is more, a city with good public...". This contraction will make your essay becomes less formal. Thus, you need to be careful in the next practice or in the real TOEFL test.

Writing Feedback / A COMPARISON OF TRIPS UNDERTAKEN BY CARS BASED ON GENDER - WRITING IELTS TASK 1 [3]

Hi Ilham, it is nice to read another IELTS essay practice of yours. I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen it in the next practice. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful towards your writing development.

- You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. Let me give some modifications towards your introduction paragraph:

A breakdown of the proportioninformation aboutof trips undertaken by car according to purpose and driver sex in 2005 is presented in the bar chart. The value is measured in percentage. Overall, it can be noticeable that, (comma needed) both women and men utilized car for working while a small percentage is seen in the figure for visiting friend.

- I think that it is necessary to give some variations of describing the data from the chart. I noticed that in your first and second body paragraphs, you accidentally mentioned the percentage in every sentence since the beginning of the first body paragraph till the end of the essay. Even though you've been using different format, I reckon that somehow percentage is not mentioned three or four times in a row.

Lastly, I also noticed that your essay was lack of grammatical consistency. If you read again carefully, I think you would find these inaccuracies:

- To begin, more men used car to go to... (past tense)
- Recreation rate comes behind at around 12... (present tense)
- Other remaining data account for less than... (present tense)

- When it comes to women figure, utilizing car for succeeding job considerably dominates all the... (present tense)
- This is followed by the use.. (present tense)

You need to remember this one "...according to purpose and driver sex in 2005..." I took it from your overview. Therefore, all of the sentence in body paragraphs should be in past form. I hope you can follow through the feedback given mate. Good luck for the next practice :)

Scholarship / 'I thrived at my job'; How my program benefits me and I benefit it - scholarship essay [4]

Karrin, here's my remarks on your essay. You can see the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

1st paragraph:
- Once upon a timeSeveral years ago, I actually had no interest in getting a postgraduate degree. (I think "once upon a time sounds a bit like a narrative text)

- I'veI have taken advanced placement courses and done independent studies... (contraction(s) makes your essay less formal. You can avoid using it.)

2nd paragraph:
- Sheffield is an award winning institution that is widely recognized and respected. Thisallowingallows me to stand out amongst a crowd. (I think it is better to split this sentence)

- Then, this type of education along with my work experience grants me...
- Ultimately, (comma needed) I want to make a difference with language the way someone made a difference to me when I was in speech therapy, and I trust that Sheffield is the best place to equip me with the tools needed to be the differencedifferent .

3rd paragraph:
- I have maintained a leadership role in my current job that has equipped me with maturity, focus, failure, and engagement. These are four important qualities... (It is also better to separate this sentence.)

- I have been told that I have a warm responsiveness to others that...
- My focus is stronger than ever and I make sure... (mind the capitalization)

As seen, your essay is actually well-written. Slight improvements towards some parts of the paragraph would strengthen the essay. Good luck in revising this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Information about the comparison density in several areas from 1900 to 2000. [4]

Hi Putu, I would like to give additional remarks and modifications in order to make your essay develops better than before. I hope you can follow through the feedback given below.

1st paragraph:
- The pie charts describeddescribe information about the comparison of population in several areas between year of 1900 and 2000.
- During those yearsa century period , Asia was the most populous regional, while the other small regionalsareas/regions were the least dominates population in the world.

- Overall, it can be seen that, the total number of people in the world increased almost 4four times from previous year.the beginning of the period.

2nd paragraph:
- During the same period, citizenS of European region,...

3rd paragraph:
- Other regions and North America had sameequal growth rate during those years.
- They feltfell off at 3% and 5% respectively.
- Latin America was the only regionalregion that had an upward trend among the third least populationpopulous countries.

As seen, some corrections have been delivered. I hope this helps. Keep practicing Putu :)