Undergraduate / Rutgers Transfer Recommended Acceptance Essay [4]


Well, this part is not actually contributing much to your case. Had you chose a uni which is not so great with its reputation, then these ideas add some meaning to your essay. For me, I don'f find the above sentences adding much value to your essay.

I amrepresent the first generation in my immigrant family to ever attend college.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]


.... Impressive hook and it gives a great start! :)


.... This is a confusing sentence... your idea is not delivered clearly :( Better rephrase!

Overall, a very good introduction. You display very good writing skills. :)
How about managing time? Did you finish the essay on time?

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Task: well-being of a country's citizens measures leader effectiveness [2]


Well, it is not clear to which statement you disagree... I guess you agree with the statement. However, it is better you clearly state your opinion , this sounds a bit vague :(

According to the author, the examination of the well-being of a country's citizens of a country is the best measure of ato judge the effectiveness of athe leaders of that country's leaders.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic rich-poor conflict [6]

First, I have an admin request for you - Open all IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This has been transferred from Essays to Writing Feedback by us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: FRESH WATER SUPPLY [7]

The government's role is vital in the efforts of conservingconservation of fresh water. Fresh water sources have immensely reduced over the past years due to several reasons. One of which is the increase of human population which led to a significant rise of water consumption globally. Another reason is climate change which resulted to the melting of fresh water sources such as icebergs and icecaps. It also led to the contamination of fresh water sources such as lakes, streams and ponds because of the rise of sea level.(well, you opened the para saying that government has a big role to play in conserving water. Then you again switched to the reasons. That's not a good approach. You now need to say how governments role becomes important and what role it should play.)

Writing Feedback / Societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. IELTS [6]

One of the main reasons of thefor this problem is that the majority of people do not leadeat a healthy and balanced diet.


... well, I think you should have said this reason in a more simple and convincing manner. Do not try to present your ideas in more complex sentences because that can harm the clarity of the idea. Your first preference should be for clarity.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay about an extraordinary island [5]

Socotra island is a wonderful nature wonderlandis a paradise for those who love nature. It has a lot of extraordinary beaches with snow-white dunes. Tourists enjoy visiting those beaches with itstheir warm golden sand dunes from which they canand enjoy the scene of the quiet blue seaocean while listening toand hear the sound of itsthe waves when they are sloshing the shore .One of thisthese beaches is Shoaib beach which is visited by a lot of tourists who are keen toon scuba diving and swimming.

Scholarship / Statement on why I wish to enroll in a NASA internship. [5]

During my college years, I have beenwas involved inwith some projects. At the microbiology course, I helped developing new interfaces for its teaching, such as creating a website and editing textbooks with a more friendly graphic design. I volunteered at my university's hospital cancer registry, wherefor which I developed both protocols for avoiding tumor under notification and a digital system for data registering. However, the most meaningful experience was collaborating with a study group on medical didactics. Some colleagues, whom were also disappointed with the current teaching methods, and I created a group where we could discuss medical teaching, study techniques and stress management. We focused mainly inon advising and mentoring the freshmen, so they could have a better college experience.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: international students graduated in several canadian regions [10]


.... Well, let's see;


... This is fine. However, I like if you presented it more clearly. You've got to be more careful in the detail paras because they contain lots and lots of figures. The reader needs to memorize them too much if you lengthen your sentences and combine lots of details into one. You need to present details here, yet you need to keep the reader on your side by helping him conceive all what you say :D

You write very well and have done a good job with this task :)

Writing Feedback / In some countries teens have jobs while they are students.is it good or not? [6]

TeenagesTeenage years are the happiest period ofin everybody's life.
ItisIt is a common praticepractice in some countries that teens havedo jobs whilestidying.while studying


You can do away with this sentence. I have provided you an approach for intro in your other thread. Also mention "TOEFL" in the title ;)

Writing Feedback / Decisions that are made quickly are always wrong. Do you agree or disagree? [6]

That's fine :) So, follow my instructions with your next threads :)

Writing Feedback / Societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. IELTS [6]

A good healthy diet can make people live longer and better through their lives.
Now, howeverHowever, in many parts of the world today, the health problem of obesity is alarmingly increasing by affecting both young and elderly people.


Instead of this sentence you should have briefly presented the reasons and measures in the intro itself :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: FRESH WATER SUPPLY [7]


... This is a pretty good intro as you take a good entrance to your essay and introduce the background of the issue effectively. However, you should have stated your opinion before you concluded the intro.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In the modern world, we should never be impolite to another person. [7]

I understand you prepare for TOEFL which is a time bound exam. I doubt whether you were able to finish this task on time as your essay looks pretty lengthy.

Scholarship / Scholarship Application: Education Through Manga [3]

Is there a strict word count for this answer? If not, I like if you specified the skills you have vaguely talked about in this sentence;


Tell them what sort of skills you would be hoping to acquire and how they are going to help you in that particular industry and also for your future.

I believe that it wouldn't only helpshelp students in Japan and my country, but also all the students around the world.

Letters / Motivation letter for applying for energy mangement program in germany [4]

I graduated in xxxxxxx and hold a Bachelor degree in Marine Engineering and Naval Architecture.(stop here) I am currently enrolled in thepursuing a master of science degree inat xxxxx university whichand I have already finishedcompleted the studying modules and now working on my thesis on the subjecttitle,of" Wind turbine performance simulation using CFD techniques" .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in Switzerland [4]

Good introduction. :) Overall, the rates of nationality almost rose consistently over the focused period while the mortality rates increased only in the first half period . On the other hand, the gap between the number of births and deaths observed was wider in the last half period which reached approximately over threefold in 2020.

Overall, you've done a good job with this task. However, I like if you had two detailed paras :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: technology affects people's interaction with each other [8]

I feel this whole para is not well aligned with your topic. Your topic talks about how technology has affected people's interaction with each other. Talking about how technology has affected education industry is not really aligned with what your topic expects and it sounds rather you go out of topic. I think you need to focus more on talking about how technology has affected the way people interact with each other and present a comparison between the past and present.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay about an extraordinary island [5]

Socotra is more closely linked with Africa than Arabia and that makes it avery unique island.
In other words, it has the rarest animals and plants that cannot be found nowhereanywhere else.
During my life I've visited a lot of astonishing places, but I've forgotten most of them, however, one place that I'll never forget is Socotra island because of its amazing and very distinct nature, climate, flora and fauna.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Different qualification level in Australia [4]


Very good introduction :)


Overall, there had been more number of men who were qualified in Vocational Diploma, Post-graduated Diploma and Master's Degree in contrast to the number of women who had similar qualifications. More number of women than men have gained qualifications in Undergraduate Diplomas and Bachelors Degrees.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Graph: Most popular travel destinations for UK people [5]


In your Message block (the area where you type your essay) you find a feature "Attach file(s)". Click on that and then it will pop up you to choose the file and upload. Hope you got it.

Without seeing the graph it is difficult to provide you with meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY:Manual jobs are being done by sophisticated machines, good trend? [4]

.... :)
You display excellent writing skills :) Good grammar, excellent vocabulary, good ideas and presentation etc. However, I feel you better pay a little more attention to the approach as this task is time bound and you need to complete your essay on time with all essential features that help you gather a good score.

Writing Feedback / Decisions that are made quickly are always wrong. Do you agree or disagree? [6]

What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for practicing for TOEFL or IELTS? You better mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can then provide you with more task related feedbacks. Also, include your full prompt in the essay.

You write well, but your essay seems to be too short. Have you met the required number of words for the task?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL..Dormitory or apartment? Which is better for students to choose? [9]

you are welcome :) In fact you write so well and I think you can aim for a very good score for this task at TOEFL. Had you managed time well for this essay, I feel you are now ready for taking up this task. You can now concentrate more on the other tasks :)


This is just a tip - You can have standard phrases like "In conclusion", "Considering the above reasons" (I vote for the first one) that fits well with any topic. It helps you save time at the exam. The main objective should be to complete your essay with all essential features within the given time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Visitor from and to UK [6]


Overall, the numbers of UK citizens travelling abroad had increased at a much faster pace compared to the foreigners visiting the UK during the period under review. Further, France had been the most visited foreign country by the UK citizens during the year 1999.

There are two things that you need to pay attention - You should use the most appropriate word (avoid replacing words with synonyms) and you should not comment on anything that is not presented by the graphs.

Writing Feedback / Same national curriculum should be studied by all the students in a nation until they enter college [3]

Education is an important part of one's life and it is required that students get proper education before they enter college.begin their tertiary education.


You better introduce the argument to the reader first without assuming he knows about it. Finally conclude the intro by stating your own position in the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY:Manual jobs are being done by sophisticated machines, good trend? [4]

First, I have admin request - Open all your IELTS essay threads in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This thread was transferred from Essays to Writing Feedback. Also, include your essay prompt in the essay so that we know exactly what it expects from you and we can accordingly align our feedbacks to provide you with more meaningful insights about handling this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The aim of university education is to help graduates. [3]


... the last sentence is not really necessary. It is better to conclude the intro with a statement explaining your opinion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL..Dormitory or apartment? Which is better for students to choose? [9]

For instance, students can have an opportunity to take part in many kindof extracurricular activities happing aroundin the campus such as attending conversation club, or joining sports club.becoming members of clubs and societies, engaging in sports activities etc.


Students would get better networking opportunities with their teachers and fellow students.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Freedom for creative artist - 'show their idealism freely' [7]

Your intro is pretty good, especially its approach :)


... there is some redundancy here. This is what I suggest;
Freedom of expression plays a vital role in the works of a creative artist.
On the other hand, the freedom sometimes benefited by some creative artists as medium to hypnotizedinfluence people.

You show a great improvement with writing. However, you need to be still careful with handling vocabulary :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Parcels delivered by two mail services [3]

The line graph shows the alteration of parcelsnumber of parcels delivered by two leading mailcourier services, FedEx and TNT, over a-80-year period between 1920 and 2000.

Overall, while the two main service companies showed wide enough gap at the beginning of the period in terms of volumes they handled , but this gap has beenthey narrowed it in the middle of the period which was in 1960.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Parcels delivered by Federal Express and TNT Mail Services [5]

The line graph highlights information about the changing number of parcels distributed by two servicecourier companies, Federal Express and TNT Mail Services, between 1920 and 2000.

Overall, those companieseach company delivered between 5000 and 25000 parcels over the period. Clearly, while Fed Ex showed a great fluctuation in parcel numberdelivery while(no comma) TNT showed growna growing tendency during those years.

Writing Feedback / Technology deteriorate the human thinking; new types of problems [3]

Hi,
You have not mentioned the purpose of this writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc., however, your essays fits in better in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum. You have opened it in the Undergraduate forum and I transferred it to Writing Feedback. Pleas select the most appropriate forum when you open a new thread.

Also, it is better you mention the purpose in the title itself so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Part of nation's history - "Old building" [3]


.... it should be "one of the things"
Old buildings are one of the best features that speak of the nation's history and character.


This is not a proper statement to describe the background of the issue. My suggestion;
However, some people view that the old buildings should be replaced by more modern buildings.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Old building must be protected by law, not knocked down. [7]

Many people have opinion that old buildings must be protected by law because they have many histories.a great historical value. However, some people think, the buildings must be changed with new buildingshave a face lift to look more modern and therefore should be replaced with new buildings.


In my opinion, both these views have their own merits and demerits.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Maintenance old buildings are for being historical building [5]

Maintenance of old buildings are for being historical buildinghelps preserve history.


.... Your idea is not at all clear. You need to rephrase these sentences.
Also, you need to pay lots of attention to grammar. Almost every sentence has some grammar issue. Try to write very simple sentences with correct grammar. That is the best way to go about improving your grammar.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - qualities of good co -worker. 'cooperative and compatible' [3]

Well, compatibility is not actually a skill. Compatibility means that a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict. In other words it is actually the ability to work with the other person. So, compatibility is certainly a good quality of a co worker as there can be unwanted personality clashes otherwise. However, you have not spoken about the compatibility from a human perspective in the above para :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: students participating in class discussion as investment for their future [6]

First, I have an admin request for you. This essay should have been opened in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for TOEFL essays. This has been transferred from Essays to Writing Feedback :)

Personally, however, I absolutely disagree with this proposalview .
It seems you have a good understanding about the essay approach. However, you need to pay more attention to your grammar.

Letters / 'recommending Ms. A' - SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM [4]

My first acquaintance with her occurred when she was preparing for taking part in Microsoft Office World Champion 2011,being one of the top twenty students selected by the University to take part in this competition. I was very impressed by her intellectual capacity and quench for new knowledge. In the next semester, I became her professor in the subjects of Real Estate Market and Corporate Finance.

Graduate / Bachelor's Degree in Architecture from Iran; Statement Of Purpose SCAD [4]

This is the guideline we provide others for SOP;
1)Your Background
2)How your interest in the field developed
3) Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education
4)What are your Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.