Undergraduate / (economics research and study) - What academic do you see yourself exploring at Penn? [5]

I guess I kind of like the rhythm of the word recollecting. But recalling is more efficient, for sure.

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

Okay, here is an example of a way to "spell it out" for the reader:
The Dive. It's a lunge originating from your tensed legs to the peak of your overlapping fingers. Your body arches as it braces for impact, preparing for the shock of smashing through the water.

After reading this, I am having a particular expe3rience that you provided for me. These words brought me to a particular state of mind. Now that I am in that state of mind, I read a very clear sentence:

The Dive. It's a lunge originating from your tensed legs to the peak of your overlapping fingers. Your body arches as it braces for impact, preparing for the shock of smashing through the water. (Add sentence: The Dive is like my process of learning about myself as a student from __________)

At the end of each paragraph, when the reader is receptive, give a sentence that says clearly what you mean.

That is just my suggestion, not necessary!!


Yes, decide what is important. And perhaps you should use this sentence: I included football and basketball to show that I was terrible at sports before I started swimming and working hard.

I like that!!!

But you need to prioritize in order to stay within the word limit. Do you need ALL that material about football? Can you begin the paragraph about football with a sentence like this one? ---> I mention football and basketball to show that I was terrible at sports before I started swimming and working hard.

I guess I do want you to spell out your meaning a little more.

Writing Feedback / It is better to take a job with a low pay but safe than to take a job with a high pay [5]

...and a job is a man person's most precious possession resource.

That is why chinese young people like to work in Shanghai or Shenzhen as a white-collar, whose wage is ordinarily high, but not secure. ---- Great example!! Capitalize "Chinese," though...

As a matter of fact, many people equate money with success and are willing to find a high-pay job even though it might be easy to lose.

Use a semi-colon to fix thins run on sentence:
are better than the young men; meanwhile, they are afraid of being...

...would rather take a low-paying job that is more secure.

As far as I am concerned, the sort of job an individual seeks should depend on his or her age.--- yeah.. you can add a few more words to specify what you mean. This is a great idea, though!! At the end of the essay you can discuss some guidelines for people in different age groups and what you think might be best for them! :-)

Writing Feedback / "the National Police Cadet Corps" - about a competition you entered. [2]


I agree. Here is an example:
Although the trainings we had were tedious and tough, I enjoy competing with others.
This is not wrong, but if you want a nice writing "style" you can do this:
Although the trainings we had were tedious and tough, I enjoyed competing with others.

Using the same verb tense does something soothing for the mind.
:-)

You don't really make any mistakes. This essay is solid, and it shows that you write well and think well.

Here is a lesson about how to write a compound sentence. Always use a conjunction and a comma:
We train at least twice a week, and each session is usually three hours straight under the hot, blazing sun.--- You had already used a conjunction, but I had to add the comma.

Undergraduate / Common App - Dear Mom and Dad, DECA campaign [8]

I'll add a colon and then use some " " marks to make this clear.
On the first day of school, there's always that one thing people tell you to talk about: "I grew up in ________." The first day of school, we always want to know where Jenny or Craig each student grew up.

"Jenny and Craig" make this confusing. Plus, I think Jenny Craig is the name of someone who sells weight loss products, so it is very confusing when I try to figure out what you mean.

And simplify this:
I was raised by you two both in Union City and in Pleasanton, California. I grew up in Irvine, California during last year's DECA State Conference. I grew up there. It only took two days, and I grew up.

Nice!!!

Research Papers / Research paper proposal for diabetes & aviation human factors [11]

You are stating out with a bias. If you are taking an experimental approach, you are supposed to try to be objective. That is the first problem.

I see that you want to show that diabetics can indeed be pilots, but take an objective point of view. Do you know at least 10 diabetics very well? I have known a few, and two of them have, over the years, had unexpected blood sugar problems ...

I'll give you a big hint right here: your job is to show that it is possible for any diabetic to be able to COMPLETELY control the blood sugar so that there are NEVER and unexpected attacks. I don't think you can do that. But if you can, you win!!

Do you see what I mean? If you do not accomplish that, you can't make this argument. It's the same as if someone has epilepsy. If it can be totally ensured that an individual can prevent seizures without exception, then s/he can fly the aircraft.

I look forward to talking with you more about this if you want, but for now I want to see your response to this idea. In order to achieve your goal, you have to do research involving diabetes treatment rather than aviation.

Writing Feedback / Should employers allow employees to use machine and equipment for their personal need [3]

employees using the company's computers... to do like this. way

Nowadays, employees tend to use companies ' (this is plural) computers or..., using the Internet to search something, or stealing stamps which ...

Capitalize Internet every time you type it.

... doing that way wouldn't benefit ...
... doing something else for personal needs at working during company time.

I wrote "company time." Have you heard that term? Company time is time during a work shift.

This is great!! I can tell you are bilingual, yet you write in a very sophisticated way.
In the sentence above, I used the word "way" correctly. In your essay, you used it unnecessarily a few times. So, look at sentences with the word way and practice. Thanks for participating here!

Undergraduate / Admission Essay-- The Soup [6]

Chop out unnecessary words:
...focusing seems to be difficult.

Add a comma:
My hearing, sharper than before, can detect...

Just an idea
I start to lift myself up but immediately receive help.--- no need for a comma here.

The vegetables have soaked in the broth, and the salt and pepper complete the soup. All I have to do is to eat. And after I'm done, I'll still be me. I'll still have my passion for music, my aspirations to travel the world, and my morals and values. The only thing different difference is that I'll know the recipe and how the soup tastes.---- I am still uncertain if I am correct in my understanding fo the significance of the soup. I suggest giving one sentence to 'spell it out' for the reader.

Know what I mean?

Also, bring this back to your college aspirations. At the end of the day -- at the end of the essay -- I hope you can tell what this has to do with your intended major, field of interest, career options, and so forth. You did some great writing here! If there is a problem, it will probably be that the reader cannot go deep enough in contemplation to really connect with this... and to be honest, I am left feeling uncertain if I understand the significance, as I said already.

:-) what do you think! Also, what instructions do you get from the school about what to write about?

Undergraduate / "My Injury" - describe a struggle you overcame and its impact on you [6]

At the end of that first paragraph, I am intrigued!

Clouds do not encompass. To encompass is to cover a big area that includes (i.e. encompasses) whatever you are talking about. And another way to use it is like this: Strategy, marketing, and leadership were all encompassed by the business program.

It is almost like the word "include"

Another word you used incorrectly is pummeling. Pummeling is striking something... but not in the way you struck the left rail! Pummeling is beating something up.

and one ligament removal later...

This is really nice: I am willing to accept that this day has defined my past, and I can assure you that I will define my future. Really, this is a very good essay for the prompt. I think they will be impressed.

Undergraduate / "Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay [10]


Ah, don't be embarrassed. Sometimes we find inspiration, and sometimes we write stuff that is not inspired... it is okay to not be inspired all the time.

I like the conversational, natural style you use, but not all readers like that. Some readers want you to be more formal.

Look at how I fixed this run on sentence:
So my name is xxx, looking at my name you can tell that I have some kind of Asian-descent. Well, you're right; I am Chinese-American.

Maybe you already have an ideal vision of me because of my nationality. --- Do not say "you." It really is better not to address the reader "you may notice this and that..." it is not good, because it seems a little to presumptuous or something.

You probably know some of the Asian stereotypes, like I'm probably great at math, I'm soft-spoken and quiet, I keep everything bottled up inside, I'm a bad driver, I have strict parents who keep me at home and make me work my butt off in school, etc. ---- this is funny! Well... even though I really like your writing style, I want to advise you to GET FOCUSED ON YOUR PLAN for the future.

Know what I mean? Don't make this all about you and your personality. Instead, make it an essay about your intentions for college and career. Do not tell all about various experiences, your brother, your grades, etc... instead, use an essay as an art form for conveying a powerful idea. What is the idea you want to capture with this?

The first sentence and last sentence of each paragraph are very important. Use those sentences to make it very clear for the reader. What is your message to the reader? I often tell essayists this:

one essay = one big idea

Do not try to talk about everything. Choose one idea, perhaps the philosophy or goal that guides you as you choose your college and your major.

:-)

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured" [8]

I like the way you start with a comment about the way this writing has been meaningful for you.

Check the verb tense here:
I've come to the conclusion that I will be an excellent addition to Florida State University.

Growing up in this day in age is a struggle.----I think you should replace this sentence with one that is a little more clever, a little more interesting... something less general and cliche and more specific to YOU. :-)

Very good... this is an excellent sentence: In all honesty, it kills me seeing my mother not doing what she wishes she could do, but if it wasn't for her disease I would not be half the person or have half the strength I've inquired. ---Only one problem: inquired acquired

...high school in itself , have just been my building blocks of what's to come.

Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

How a genre helped you? The only way a genre can help you is if you like a genre so much that it motivates and inspires you. Do you think that is the right way to understand this task? Like Mark and Eugene, I wonder if you have some more info to help us understand.

:-)

Thanks for joining EF. Welcome!!

Undergraduate / "Culture is my passion + Mexico City" - university of Denver [3]

I have a friend who is from Mexico City we have so many things in common, and I just find it amazing how I can relate to her.---- put a period after City and start a new sentence!

I have a friend who is from Mexico City. We have so many things in common, and I just find it amazing how I can relate to her. ( I think you should add a thesis statement here at the end of this first paragraph).

Use an apostrophe
parents' efforts.

I want to make a small but significant change. Various people criticize my dream of helping others, but it's my passion, and no can take it away.

As a teenager one of my goal is to make others understand that traditions and cultures are things you are born with, and no one can take that privilege away from you.--- you said "no one can take it away" about 2 different things. It is repetitive, so I think you should say something different at the end. :-)

This is a cool essay. I just hope you can look at it and figure out what is the most important message and write a little bit about that main idea in the conclusion paragraph.

Undergraduate / Govind, SOME ONE WHO HAS INFLUENCED YOU. HOW DID IT IMPACT YOU. [5]

Some time (2 words)
Sometime

He had to take subjects his friend took so that he could borrow the books. ---- wow, this is a tough predicament!

Comma:
This made me realize that I am blessed with a comfortable life, unlike many others.

Since then I have weighed my problems against Govind's before giving up.--- very good!

You did a great job with this!

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

No need for a comma when you have 2 verbs like this:
We strapped on all of our gear and got ready ...

I felt like a totaled car being towed down the slope by a snow mobile. ----- I like this sentence.

Yes, this essay is looking good. I am impressed...

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay (45min) It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation [4]

Though Edison's contributions, we are able to plan for tomorrow's delights late into the evening.

This is an incomplete sentence: All due to the perception of lone individuals who shared ideas and had them expanded upon.

You can fix it by combining them:
Though Edison's contributions, we are able to plan for tomorrow's delights late into the evening -- all due to the perception of lone individuals who shared ideas and had them expanded upon.

I agree with your argument!

This essay is solid, but how could it be even better? Whenever possible, refute the counterargument. That means you should spend a paragraph explaining the argument someone would make if they wanted to disagree with you and tell why your reasoning is more correct. Do you know what I mean?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay- Fatigue (after a full marathon) [8]


A semi-colon can work similarly to a comma, but it can also work like a period (separating 2 complete sentences.) Use it instead of a period when the two sentences "go together" to make a single point.


No, no, it is good.

The missed opportunity I was talking about is this:


How can I explain what I mean? Have you ever read Aesop's Fables? They are great stories, just like the great story you told. The difference is that Aesop uses each story as an opportunity to demonstrate some important truth. It is the "moral of the story"... that is what you can give at the end of paragraph one and also in the conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / (my decision to join a band in high school),If you were change one thing in your life [6]

Use a comma:
When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, so I tried to study hard ...

Your first paragraph is incomplete. It tells a few different facts, but it needs a thesis sentence at the end to express the main idea of the whole essay. Add a sentence to that first paragraph! :-)

I asked my friend I taught my friend math and she taught me how to play the viola.

Yet, all I wanted to do was study. The band seniors spoke ill of me; they brought me to an obscure alley and hit of me.---- I'm sorry that happened to you! I suppose it is better the be the victim than to be the ignorant bully.

I began to hang out with bad students .

I like this essay a lot. It is too bad you had such adversity. The teachers should not have allowed you to miss lunch to clean the band room!

Undergraduate / Lehigh essay: define equity and community and their implications in society. [6]


Did you get this definition from some source? If so, cite the source. Check the spelling: integration (typo)

Also, this is important:


I agree. I also want to add that you should look this up with Google: difference between equity and equality
That will help you to give a very sophisticated discussion.

Writing Feedback / THE CAY, story about one trip in the in Caribbean Sea [8]

In On this island...

This story has important information, and the author arranged it in simplified manner with good concept words. I like this story, because it has easy words and is written with an arrangement that is nice. Also, this story has some pictures to clarify the main idea.

I learned from story how to manage my life in critical difficult times and how to look for food in the sea. Also, I learned how to inform others if I have problem. or I miss your road, I advise every one to read it, because it is very interesting and useful also it has comprehension to used to understand fast, (I don't understand this part.) Furthermore, there are connections among its chapters in addition to many series of it in different levels. (I don't understand this part either.)

Conclusion

I hope these corrections help you! You should try to rewrite the parts that I could not figure out how to correct. Use shorter sentences, so that it will be clearer. :-)

Undergraduate / "cultural diversity" - What you find most appealing about columbia and why? [4]

Cultural diversity is a little bit cliche as an answer to this question. You wrote this very nicely, but I just think it is going to be too simplistic this way.

If you are very, very passionate about an intention you have for the future, your favorite thing about the school will have something to do with that intention, that interest you have in a particular field of study.

Sorry to be negative about it! The good news is that you write well, so you should be able to write something very impressive if you get inspired tonight.

Scholarship / How to write Internship application essay- on Human rights [4]

Hi Ana,

I think Mark is correct to suppose that you should write something that will make them confident in your ability to fulfill those job requirements.

But I wonder: Did they give you any more instructions?

If you have no more instructions to follow, I think you should use this opportunity to write a report about your specific interests, strengths, and experiences, but make it so that the purpose of the essay is to show them why this internship is especially beneficial for you and why you are able to be especially beneficial to the organization.

The most important task is to make them share some of your enthusiasm.

Also, show that you know the organization very well... that you have researched it.

2000 words = almost 7 pages, so you have a lot of opportunity to impress them. Write some paragraphs about your experiences, some about your current interests, some about why this internship is particularly suitable for you, and some about the goals of this organization and why you want to contribute to them.

When you have a large collection of paragraphs, go back and write an intro paragraph that really expresses your unique insight and intention.

I'm glad you are participating. Please let me know: do they provide any further instructions about how to write the essay?

Writing Feedback / What are some important characteristics of a co-worker?-Toefl [5]

I think there are several qualities that all co-workers have in common. --- Some co-workers do not have these qualities. I think you should say this:

I think there are several qualities that all co-workers should have in common.

or

I think there are several qualities that all good co-workers have in common.

What I mean is that despite of facing up to many difficulties and challengers, he or she will not withdraw from competition. ---- this is a very sophisticated sentence. You will definitely pass the toefl.

Writing Feedback / 'destroyed pleasures'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [8]

Of cause
Of course ...

Use a comma here:
They were taught to hate, not to love.

Deprive means to take something away:
Poverty is another factor that deprives children of an enjoyable childhood. --- see what I mean?
Poverty is another factor that i

They were taught to hate not to love. How can we say that the childhood is the happiest time for such children?

Poverty is another factor that prevents children from enjoying their childhood.

Very nice... you wrote this very thoughtfully. Indeed, old age might be most enjoyable.

Writing Feedback / What can we learn from sports? [2]

Let's say in instead of under:
In such situation, those who are actively committed would be squeezing out their brain juices trying to come up with a strategy while those who are only passively committed might be giving up already.

Do you see that I changed will to would? That is important.
If I go to the store, I will get milk.
If I went to the store, I would get milk.

This essay is very good! Your unconventional writing style lets me know you are bilingual, but I see that you make almost no mistakes! If you are an ELL student, you should be very proud of your accomplishment.

Keep "fine tuning" your English, though. For example:
Thirdly, mutual trust between teammates is also something we can learn from sports.
I added an s
This would be even better:
Thirdly, mutual trust among teammates is also something we can learn from sports.

This sentence is very well written:
Without initiative, the team cannot improve on their current performance unless they tell the coach where their problem is, thus allowing the coach to improve on their skills so as to reduce chances of mistakes.

With fewer mistakes mistakes being...

Use lesser like this:
Of murder and larceny, larceny is the lesser crime.
Try to choose the lesser of two evils.
(it means something like "smaller")

The word fewer means "fewer in number"... "not as many"

Writing Feedback / I disagree that television has destroyed communication between friends and family. [10]


It's funny that you mention that, because my sister watches Discovery more than anyone I know, and her husband is a professional chef.

Consider this: part of the reason women watch cooking shows is that cultural norms apply subtle pressure to women, and this pressure begins at birth. Boys feel pressure to be tough, and girls feel pressure to be cute and submissive, good cooks, etc... but this reflects norms from a more primitive version of humanity. That is the way hegemony perpetuates itself, so we need to make a deliberate effort to free our minds of crap generalizations and stereotypes.

Now that we see how, due to our worldwide historical patriarchy, male tendencies to compete and dominate one another and nature have made it so that we are close to destroying the planet. We need male and female wisdom to both contribute in areas like science and politics that you might think are more suitable fields for men. That is why it is better to avoid making generalizations about which gender prefers which kinds of television programs. Let's not perpetuate the rigidity of thinking; as humanity comes into balance we might just save the planet and alleviate lots of suffering.

Many times, It is possible to remove "that" and make the sentence more concise and powerful:
I don't think that television has destroyed communication between friends and family.
Here, if you add "though" it will not seem so awkward, like such an abrupt thing to say.
Television may waste our time, though . For example, spending time in watching movies, drama and ...

...rather than speaking about crap things.--- it is probably not a good idea to use the word crap here. It's vulgar. However, I think it makes this a very cool sentence.

Don't capitalize people here:
For example, People people who ...
:-)

Writing Feedback / 'no government restrictions'; Creative Artists vs Freedom of Expression [3]

In my opinion, it is important to mention two issues when discussing whether artists should be given creative freedom. First, I want to mention about freedom or not in for not only creative artists but also people who are not artists. I think almost all fields need freedom for creation.

Nowadays, we have been living with comfortable lifestyles because of having creative innovation.

In different period, we have different emotion in arts feeling. Old something need to change in order to serve these emotion. This part makes no sense, and I don't know how to fix it. Sorry! :-)

Because government restrictions may cause disorder in many fields...

You have some good ideas, but your English is still at the level where you need to practice reading aloud and practice typing correct sentences while slowly speaking them. Only with practice can you reprogram your mind with the correct forms of verbs, nouns, adjectives, and so on.

Graduate / Summary of research Interest (PhD in pharmacology) [4]

No need for "had" here:
During my tenure, I had studied various subjects, including Pharmacy majorly Pharmacology, Medicinal Chemistry...

Don't use "had" so much:
(At the start of this paragraph, add a topic sentence to tell the "theme" or main idea for this paragraph). I joi ned M.P. Shah Medical College to pursue MSc in Pharmacology in 2000. This was 2 years full time course specialized in pharmacology. I had studied various aspects of ...

... in very detailed manner.

Where is the second " mark to end the title?
The topic was entitled: "Proof of concept single and multiple dose pharmacokinetic studies of a sustained release formulation of an antiepileptic drug and its assessment of safety, efficacy and switchability (from conventional release formulation). Throughout my PhD program, I had have learnt about the...

:-) this is already very good with just a few errors! You have many impressive accomplishments.

Writing Feedback / The Time Machine - if i had the opportunity to do something again, what would it be. [3]

Everyone wishes to have a time machine which can be used to correct a past occurrences.

It will be beter if you write "errors" instead of occurrences, because an occurrence is not necessarily bad.

Whenever a sentence is so long that it could be 2 sentences, it needs a comma to separate the 2 halves:
I was satisfied with my current academic performance, but others believed that I could do much way better.
This sentence is a compound sentence (contains 2 complete sentences) so it needs a comma.

plural: because of various distractions.

My inability to read extensively and my loss of concentration during lectures depleted played a major role in my lowered academic performance.

Ha ha, I can tell you are very intelligent. You know what? When you get older you will see that the student's ability to earn awards does not just depend on the students. The awards are designed by teachers, and the students are supposed to be motivated in a particular way. You are smart enough to understand what a "systemic" approach to studying something is. You have to study the whole system. I hope you don't spend any time worrying about high school awards. You will see that they have an ounce of importance, whereas everything you do after high school has a ton of importance.

Research Papers / Ghana Soccer culture. [3]

I'm so thankful, Ershad and Suven. I'll add to the good work you already did to help Thanh.

The Queen Mother Yaa Asantewaa feared of losing her power and, furious at the British the exploitation of her country, gathered a resisting force against the British.

Yaa Asantewaa is a legendary figure, but she only appeals to the Ghanaian people and the rest of Africa did not recognize her. Football replaced Yaa Asantewaa because of its representation of hegemonic masculinity and the political propaganda of the Ghanaian government.

Use an apostrophe to show possession:
Therefore women's football is been taken as less serious than men's football.

Use a comma here:
Football is a form of British hegemonic masculinity, for it excluded women.

As football became the symbol for British culture it also became the symbol for the loss of women's status.

Women football players are have been objectified by the male gaze, and their athletic performance has been disregarded. Football is the "king" of sports, because a "king" is masculine, and Football has historically been a men's sport and it is a matter of hegemonic masculinity.

Practice typing the sentences with the corrections we made, and you can improve your grammar. This essay has many interesting ideas, but I think it needs a conclusion paragraph. It ends suddenly. I think you should write one last paragraph to talk about your ideas about why Football is significant and how it is different today than it was historically when it was a matter of hegemony.

Writing Feedback / Comprehensive Note on; A Civil servant is a Public servant [2]

Don't sever the public! Sever means something different! :-)
This way is good:


To sum up, the basis for all his actions must be the law.

Instead of "sum up," which might be better in a conclusion paragraph, try this:
Most importantly, the basis for...

Here is another one that can be improved:
The appointments for civil servants are held on merit
Civil servants are appointed based on merit, ...

This is a good idea:
A public servant should not play into the hands of the elite and become a tool for advancement of their interests. --- I only changed it a little. When you say "the elite" in this sentence, it refers to "the elite people in society." You do not have to write all of that because when you say "the elite" the reader will understand what you mean.

:-) I hope you practice typing these sentences in the correct way. Practice each sentence 10 times, and your brain will remember the correct way. I'm glad you are participating here.

Writing Feedback / "Five years ago, we residents of Morganton..." - GRE Task [3]


You are right, Tomomi. Great job!

I suppose, there are other opportunities for the ...

...to be the building yard for new school?

Some species can become extinct, which will be dangerous for sustainability of the whole parkland's ecological system.

Admittedly, this project has neither economic nor ecological benefits. Even so, it might be healthy for pupils to study in natural environment.

The essay seems to end abruptly. Please add one sentence to the end. Make your opinion clear. With this essay, it is hard to have a strong opinion, because it would be okay to preserve it and it would be okay to use it for a school. This is a difficult one! :-) Keep practicing your English; you are doing well!

Essays / "America, the past, present and future", help. [3]

Hi Peter, this is a big subject. Will you write in terms of international relations, American culture, American economy, or something else?

Will you compare America to other countries, or will you write about only America?

The best thing to do is find 5 good articles about some aspect of America that interests you. How about American democracy, as abcdef suggested? Find 5 articles with the key words "american democracy" and write a paragraph about the main idea of each article.

That will get you started, and after you have some paragraphs written you should try to write about the present and speculate about the future. I look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Please tell me the names of a few articles that you find and use for inspiration and ideas.

Letters / Letter of Recommendation to Master Degree in Marketing [5]

During his two years in a marketing officer position...

Wipu has a demonstrated great logical reasoning ability and effective teamwork.

He had to coordinate with many teams, mainly sales and logistic teams, to resolve problems, minimize risk, maximize profit, and negotiate the best outcomes for the organization.

He was also a key team member that collaborated with both the production and marketing team in developing ...

On the interpersonal side With regard to interpersonal effectiveness, Wipu has superior written and verbal communication skills.

He gets along extremely well with his colleagues also his superiors .

... succeed in his further career. By diminishing his shortcomings and improving his talents. (this is an incomplete sentence... and I think it is unnecessary. Too vague.)

Your last sentence is great!

:-)

Undergraduate / Kutztown University Essay-Academic Preparation and Cultural Diversity [4]

Well, you can have many themes, but in order to make the most powerful impact on the reader's mind and memory, your themes should take the form of a Bull's Eye --- concentric circles. Do you know what I mean? Two major themes can be two aspects of one grand idea, which is the idea that represents you in the reader's mind.

My two themes might be a dedication to teaching and a dedication to health & alleviating suffering. Health and education combine to make my central theme, which is to share knowledge that alleviates suffering.

Your themes can blend like colors of paint to form a new color that is all your own.

Undergraduate / "My journey as a student" - Entrance Essay for UT Austin, major undeclared [2]

learning from failure." This is a quote by Colin Powell I...

And to believe in myself has always been my first priority. This sentence does not really accomplish anything because the meaning is unclear.

Fortunately, I consider myself among those who accept their mistakes and are ready to rectify them. --- if you keep this sentence at the end of the first paragraph, it will make the reader feel like the essay is all about your mistakes. But it is not... so, move this discussion of learning from mistakes, and make room at the end of the first paragraph to give a sentence that expresses your main truth, your message to the reader. It should probably be something about what you ARE certain about, since your major is still uncertain.

And that is when I came across University of Texas, and I was certain, that this is the school I want to go to. The admission and coursework requirements seemed feasible and welcoming to me,----- unimpressive, can you write about your passions and your intuition? Something specific and impressive, like ... you can write about 3 fields that might be the fields you enter, and you can write about how this school keeps your options open. Show that you do think about what you want to do in the future. :-)

Undergraduate / "my education in nursing" - Entrance Essay for UT - Topic A [2]


ha ha, I'm intrigued... let's have a look...

I feel that the most integral (choose a better adjective)life lesson I learned


This is a heck of a sentence. Good writing here...

Okay, I think this actually is quite statement of purpose-y. You just need a thesis statement that expresses the truth to which the injury story and the story about your parents add up... what do they add up to? They add up to the theme of the essay, so what is it?

Whatever it is, express it here: I feel that involvement in this field is incredibly valuable to athletes and that participation in sports fosters the development of many attributes that contribute to producing strong, passionate, functional citizens. scratch all this general stuff and say something unique to you, something specific to you. You had this adversity, then you had this injury, and you also had some strong ideals... which brought you to this result. Write a perfect thesis statement that expresses your truth.

Undergraduate / Regret Situation - taking the Writing Skill Test (WST) [5]


You are correct, but I am correct, too! This is a very interesting question.
I am talking about STYLE. Writing style....

People talk about "style" in writing when they want to talk about how to refine it and make it pleasant to read. I became very interested in style when I discovered how subtle and sophisticated it was, so I bought Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

I became very interested in style when I discovered how subtle and sophisticated it is , so I bought Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

I became very interested in style when I discovered how subtle and sophisticated it was , so I bought Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

I became very interested (past tense) How it was (past tense)
As a matter of style, it is best to keep past tense with past tense.

BUT, you are not wrong. This is a subtlety of the English language and a common topic when discussing "style" -- keeping verb tense consistent.

Undergraduate / "a special education teacher" - Why I choose educational field [5]


I think you should NOT say this. It puts you in a category of people who did not choose education for the right reasons. Even though you are writing about an experience that changed your attitude, I think you should not admit that you originally had superficial motives. I mean, you probably were not that superficial... after all, other professions can give you long vacations and plenty of days off... so I think your heart was in teaching from the start.

You can rewrite this to tell about how you became even more passionate about education due to your experience with this student.

Do you understand all of Freezard's advice? Let's see a new draft if you want to try to improve some more. Thanks for participating so much lately! :-)

Undergraduate / Good grades on every subject - Statement of Purpose transfer A&M biology major [8]


This sentence is good, but I think you can make it even better. The first sentence of paragraph one is important because of the effect it has on the reader. Write a sentence that expresses something you ARE certain about, something you ARE passionate about... "keeping my options open," perhaps.

Although math had always come very easily to me I didn't want to sit at a desk and crunch numbers all day, and although I could get by pretty easily in history I wanted to examine and affect the world today, not simply study documents from the past. I decided I wanted to do something that involved a more hands on approach. Here, I crossed out some sentences that are a little uninteresting...

My mother, coming from a medical background--- know what this sentence is? It's going to be the new start of your essay. Well, for me, this is where the essay really starts. I do not want to hear about your many years of indecision. Write about that in a different essay, but not here.

Give a half of one sentence to mention wrestling with uncertainty, and then get right into talking about what you are certain about.

I hate to recommend a big revision, because you have such an excellent writing style... but use all this stuff about indecision in a different essay. In this essay, use a theme that is as unique as you are, and one that really demonstrates what you ARE certain about. Give us a glimpse of your future as you envision it.