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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 135 of 170
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dumi   
Dec 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Having children late in life; 'A family without children is not a really family' [5]

Sure : )

As for reasons, economy come the first.

.... it's not economy; it's economic conditions.
Among the reasons, economic conditions get the highest priority.

The high and large financial pressure for young couple is huge challenge

..high makes large redundant. So you should use one of the words.Also try to say things in a more simple way. That makes your arguments more conceivable.

Today, the young couples face a great challenge in meeting financial needs of running a family with kids.
dumi   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Teaching and volunteering; Gettysburg Supp: "Make a difference" [5]

Hi moon05,
Here's some help for reducing your word count;

Teaching and volunteering has been my favorite hobbies.

I always loved Teaching and Volunteering.

Three years back I got the opportunity to teach in an orphanage near my home and that's when I got the most joy out of teaching.I have been teaching sciences and English to them.

Three years back, I taught Science and English in a local orphanage which was my best teaching experience.

It's an amazing feeling when I see that these children have learned something from me and their eyes sparkle out of excitement.

It was amazing to watch the excitement and hope in the faces of those needy children.
dumi   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Molly Moon's Incredible Book on Hypnotism/ Cornell Supplement [8]

Hi pingupinga,

My family was well aware of my adoration for the written word and they made sure to make weekly trips to the local library.

Acknowledging my passion for reading, my family made sure that I would pay frequent visits to the local library.

On one routine trip to the library, I was casually browsing through the shelves that I had already frequented so many times in the past before

You sound a bit too detailed in your descriptions. I feel that is not really necessary and it is better if you give more focus to the most important points.
dumi   
Dec 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Having children late in life; 'A family without children is not a really family' [5]

A family without children is not a really family.

... Well, you can say this idea more politely because there are many people who opt to have no children... I think this is a very person issue :D

Some say that a family without children is not complete.

However, a phenomenon that the majority of young couples are delaying the time of having baby is becoming much more common than before.

However, nowadays, many young couples tend to delay becoming parents.

Why this happen, and what the influence on individual and society is

.... this is not a complete sentence; I guess you should not leave such sentences in essays of this type.
dumi   
Dec 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / We need more efficiency and security so the machine work is better [5]

In modern industrial societies, people can always find many ways to finish same work, like using machines or doing by hand, etc, but bring people different results.

... this last part fails to establish a link. You better have a separate sentence for that;
In modern industrial societies people have many options to handle their jobs such as using tools, machines or simply with their hands.

The most well-known evidence is that the great development of astronomy technology occurred in the world with machines.

.... astronomy technology? what do you mean? You better describe this more!
dumi   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / New Rochelle Youth Council; Common app / Extracurricular Activity [2]

Here's some help with your word count'

Helping people out and giving back to my community has always been important to me.

Helping others and giving back to my community always made me happy.

. In ninth grade I joined the New Rochelle Youth Council, an organization which provides service to society.

In the ninth grade I joined the New Rochelle Youth Council,, a charity organization.

. Our intergenerational events, Senior Citizen Prom and "Give-A-Gift" are my favorite. These events give me the helpers high most people long for.

.... I feel you better say it is the helpers high you long for.
Our intergenerational events,Senior Citizen Prom and "Give-A-Gift", give me the helpers high I always long for.
dumi   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / My grandpa's love for art & photograpy/ Princeton Supp - Person who influenced you? [5]

People often ask me how I got started on computer programming.

.... how I got attracted to computer programming.

My answer was that it all started naturally - out of interest.

... this one is a bit tricky.... I doubt this adds much value to what you've written :( I guess you can go straight to the next idea without this : )

He used to take me to art lessons when I was four (this was before I came to the United States).

I still remember walking to my Chinese art class with him before we migrated to the USA.
dumi   
Dec 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Shifting large factories to countryside helps solve traffic&housing issues... I agree [6]

nowadays people are favoring to live in cities.

nowadays people favor living in cities.

At the same time, large companies and their workforce make the congestion in cities more severe

.... you should relate this sentence to the previous one better to have a good flow ;
At the same time, large number of city dwellers causes severe traffic congestions in the city as well as housing problems.
dumi   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Singing and Dancing; Stanford Roommate Supplement [5]

Let's see whether I could be of any help for saving you from dying :D;

Well, you are writing to your roommate, right? Wouldn't you at least say hello to him?.... Otherwise it sounds as if you are ignoring this person's existance :)
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "There is no higher religion than human service........"/Bowdoin Sup/ Common good [4]

All people have their own definition of this phrase to me it's to bring a change.

People may have their own definitions, but for me it means bringing a change.

Last summer Volunteered to teach Kids project at Mary American Corner and learnt a lot from it.

.... don't tell about your learning at this stage. Let them come in the next lines :)

In order for kids to understand the theories in better way and to keep their interest in lessons, I needed to be an inspiring teacher.

Keeping the kids in their lessons was a difficult tasks. So I introduced games, humor and stories to have their attention in tact. This made me become their inspirational teacher.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "I hail from Iran"; Illinois Common App/ impact of upbringing and experiences [2]

I was unable to run a program on my computer because of an error

I was unable to run a program on my computer due to some error.

A polish man replied right back and following the instructions he gave me I ran the program.

I got an immediate reply from a Polish person and by following his instructions I fixed it myself.

I could speak English well enough to communicate with him easily so I got to know him more as I wanted to expand my world and communicate with people from different cultures nationalities.

.... this needs improvement;
My fluency in English helped me becoming better acquainted with him that helped me expand my world to interact with people of diverse cultures and backgrounds.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Graduate / "Computer Engineer", my dream career ; MS in MIS/ Background- accomplishments [5]

She replied my question with a really attractive elaboration. The time I came to know how my education can help me to grow better in future and accomplish my dreams, I started working on it. In my secondary education, I scored first division and was in top 10 students of my class. Being from a small village was a big obstacle in my higher education and I could not perform well in higher secondary education although I still got first division but I was not satisfied with it. I continued my journey for higher education with a dream of becoming a "Computer Engineer".

I find you try to be too much detailed in some of the parts and I guess it is not really necessary. So this is my suggestion for the above;

I still remember my fascination over her description of an engineer. That was the advent of my dream career and I took it seriously to work on it. Being a student from a small village was a significant barrier for my academic performance. However, my perseverance and determination enabled me to score a first division and became one of the top ten students. I became more and more confident in pursuing my dream career, a "Computer Engineer".
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Taco that represents my family traditions; UNC Chapel Hill Supp- Comfort Food [6]

Rather, it is the fact that I have enjoyed them annually with people I love. Memories have the ability to make something seem truly special, no matter how mediocre the actual taste may be.

... Awesome ... You are very creative :)

This is very well written and everything you've said is very thoughtful.... I enjoyed every sentence and especially your creative style of writing. I think you would get a good score on this.

Good Luck with your admission :)
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Graduate / "Computer Engineer", my dream career ; MS in MIS/ Background- accomplishments [5]

I started my journey for my career when I came to know the use of education.

...This sentence fails to give any idea, therefore I suggest you to leave it out and start with the next line;

In my earlier days I had no aim and was going school just for sake or one can say it was a daily routine to be followed by every boy in my village.

When I was a kid, I had no idea about my future career. As a part of daily routine, I graduated from one class to another, just like many other boys in my village.

When I reached in 9th standard, I came to know about a term "Engineer" and desperately asked my class teacher "What is an Engineer?".

However, when I was in the ninth standard, I came to know about the term "Engineer" and asked my teacher who this person is.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / External/ internal Reasons for School dropouts & possible measures ;IELTS [4]

Students dropouts has become

...dropouts have become/ dropout has become

Even though most students complete schools, it is conspicuous that many pupils quit schooling and indulge in many activities.

... this sentence has a problem with your logic; you say many complete schools and again they quit ... It's better if you re-phrase this line

Firstly, the reasons for school dropouts can be discriminate as: external reasons as well as internal reasons.

..."discriminate" means treating somebody unfairly because of prejudice. So, it is inappropriate to use here.
First, the reasons for school dropout can be categorized as external reasons and internal reasons.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Veg or Non Veg? Veg is healthier! [3]

becoming not only a simple present-day fashion, but also a healthier lifestyle

.... this sounds a bit confusing. " simple present-day fasion" ? looks like it doesn't come right :(

While most people agree that many diseases can be avoided by adopting a healthy diet, opponents claim that there is nothing more fulfilling than a tasty meal.

... You are going out of the topic here.... healthy diet does not mean it should be veg. It can be a non veg meal, but still a well balanced diet. Also the logic here doesn't seem to be convincing. Try and keep your alignment with the topic always.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Children should grow up in a big city!! [5]

Your introduction sounds ok because it contains all necessary features, but it sounds a bit abrupt and short :) Also, I guess you can improve the following sentence;

I hold this belief because of two main reasons, academic and social reasons.

My suggestion;
I hold this belief because of two main reasons. They are the academic and social benefits that children would enjoy if they grow in a big city.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Dear future roommate- My day in a nutshell / Stanford [3]

I've chosen to tell you how a day in my life goes

... good idea; sounds creative :D

my grandmother interrogates me as to where that last mark went

... :D

I'm pretty bubbly and I like to ensure everyone else around me stays that way too

... Hope your roommate is not going to be a super introvert :D

Well, I enjoyed your essay a lot. I liked your witty style and this looks pretty creative. Hope the admission guys too would find this the same way :P

Good luck!
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Graduate / Personal Statement for graduate studies / Help for paragraphing [4]

help!!! Is there anybody here T T

Well.... I'm here and let's try what we can do :D .... But I'm not a doctor :P

As operations went on, my repetitive duties as checking patients' personal information before operation, assisting doctors in preparing medical instruments and administering eye drops helped me win the trusts and encouragements from doctors. I indulged in a happiness of helping others and almost forgot the beginning warning.

... I guess you want to tell about the duties you performed as an intern, isn't it so? But I don't understand the parts that I have highlighted. I can help you better if you tell me what you talk about ...

I want to represent is that my performance as an intern earn doctors trust

However, this is my suggestion;
I enjoyed every moment of my internship. It trained me on meticulous checking of patients' information in preparing them for surgeries; taught me the value of teamwork when I took part in surgical team by assisting senior surgeons in preparing medical apparatus and administering eye drops. It also helped me earn the confidence of senior surgeons.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / [iels task 2]The government spends about 220 million pounds a year supporting museums [2]

It was proposed that the investment cost in this art field is unnecessaryto be substantially

.... what do you mean by "unnecessary to be substantially" ? .... that part sounds a bit confusing :(

historical and art values of this art field

... "art field" does not sound appropriate :(
historical artifacts and different forms of performing arts

First of all, spending this amount will get advantages by raise the number of tourist.

First, maintenance of museums and art gallerias would attract more number of tourists to the country that can be considered as a great advantage.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Cigarette advertisements should be banned completely? [6]

Your introduction is very impressive : )

Admittedly, uncensored television advertisements are one of the most solid reasons of initiating smoking among young people.

Very good sentence :)

To catch the eye of more people

.... generally your eyes catch something interesting. So it works the other way round :)
To draw the attention of more and more people

advertisement companies

.. advertising companies

all their best efforts

"all " makes "best" redundant; you should say either;
all their efforts OR their best efforts
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) merits and demerits of MNCs in developing countries.. [3]

many multinational companies are mushrooming in developing countries.

.... the presence of many multinational companies in the developing countries have a mushrooming effect.

the four factors that is: land,labour,capital and entrepreneurship exist.

The actual reason is that multidimensional's prime motive is profit maximization. So they move their plants to the places where they find cheap labor and other resources. You should discuss this fact more prominently.

Overall, very good job!
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS topic. animal experiments have more disadvantages over their advantages [4]

Many drugs and treatments that are discovered need to be tested in order to ensure the humans' safety when they use or are exposed to certain substances.

This sentence is a bit too long. That makes the reader tired of remembering every piece of detail you have written. Better avoid writing very long sentences.

Overall, you have written a good essay. It follows good structure; contains very valid points and you have presented your ideas well.
Good Luck!
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic. the power of advertising and its impact on high sales [2]

In modern business, 'invention' is the mother of necessity.

....Very interesting : )... Good introduction !

specialists in advertisements

....I feel "specialists in advertising" sounds better

hides unwanted facts about the goods they are promoting

.... hides unfavorable facts about the goods
You write very well; good essay structure and excellent vocabulary....especially, I like your unique writing style :)
Good Luck!
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / Gender and Language in Advertisements [4]

You need to work on your grammar and presentation.

Yep... He's right. There are many grammar issues here and you have to work on it :)

Advertisers have some techniques, they use language in marketing based on different stereotype of gender to convince customers to buy products.

Advertisers play many tricks; they use marketing techniques such as different language styles that tempt different customer segments to buy their products.
dumi   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Escaping my comfort zone; University of Richmond Supplement essay [4]

However, upon the urging of my friends to leave the store, I had no choice but to leave behind the sleek robin's egg blue typewriter that I had noticed.

However, since I couldn't annoy my friends anymore, I left the store leaving behind the sleek robin's egg blue typewriter that caught my serious attention.

Although his reply was not what I was initially hoping for, what he said next would only reinforce my fascination with the typing machine.

This sounds confusing. Tell things in a more simple tone!
Also what reply did you hope to receive from him initially? What was his next reply? :( ...
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / "Lao village" ; Williams App / "looking out through the window" [8]

i was worried no one would look at my essay before my final submission!!

:D ... Well, I wouldn't abandon you :D ... sometimes, they get stuck in the unanswered section .
Also;

I WILL HELP WITH YOURS TOO !!!

... hope you keep your promise once you submit your application :D

I think what you've written is really good. Wish you good luck!
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / "Lao village" ; Williams App / "looking out through the window" [8]

After I exhausted my pens, the kids had moved on to look for new playmates.

exhausted? .... I guess "finished" is more appropriate :)

"Do not make them think that they can get it as long as they ask."

"Do not spoil them; they may think they can get them every time they ask for; that's not going to help their future'' .... you can re-phrase this line as you like, but make sure that it lays the foundation for your final message (the one below);

As a visitor who cannot be responsible for their future, doing no harm was far more important than satisfying a girl's vanity as a First World resident.

This is a very sensible sentence; It's a strong and convincing message! :)
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Contribution to home country/ BEREA College APP; Educational Overview/ Plans [17]

"Never give up" were the last words my grandfather spoke to me before he passed away when I was 5five .

The following lines are well presented! ... I like these few lines a lot :)
Since then, I remember those words every time I face failure. My grandfather named me "Serdar" which means "leader". He hoped I will be a leader and make an impact on our community. I fully intend to honor his final wish for me.

One of them was me! So far in my life, it has been my greatest achievement.

I was among those 800 and this has been my greatest achievement so far.

.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'skip the trial and error period and save the time toward a right way'; what future job for a child? [7]

obviously, in most cases, parents play an important role in children' whole life.

Obviously, in most cases, the parents play an important role in the lives of their children.

children are more or less like their parents in some ways.

.... this sounds confusing...
Children have many similarities to their parents.

First of all, if the children choose the similar jobs with their parents, it is easy to success.

First, if children choose similar jobs as their parents, it would be easy for them to be successful.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Essays / Growth of Canadian Independence [3]

Canada was never completely independant from Britain in the 1900s. Today, Canada is an independant nation with its own legislature and government.

I suggest you to combine these two sentences ;
Though Canada is an independent state with its own legislature and government today, it was never completely independent from the Britain in 1990s.

despite Canada being a colony of Britain

despite Canada being a British colony....
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / Ä°ELTS TASK1:children's leisure activities; pie chart illustrations [2]

Their leisure activities are divided six pies.

.... pie is the circular figure and in this case you have two pie charts and each pie is divided into six sectors.
Their leisure activities are illustrated by the six sectors in each pie chart.

As we know that we are living in technological age and the pie graph which shows boy's leisure activities indicates that boys are really interested in computer games about %34.

... You are supposed to discuss about the graphical presentation. So the part I have highlighted sounds irrelevant.

In contrast to boys,girls aren't interested in computer games.

In contrast to boys, girls show less interest in computer games.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Video games - positives and negatives [3]

What youngsters play has changed dramatically as compared with 1980s

The games of young people took a dramatic new turn in the nineteen eighties.

Students nowadays prefer staying with computer games to spend their leisureafter school.

Nowadays, many students prefer to spend their leisure time playing computer games.

As a result, some video games are generated exclusively for educating children

Your first body paragraph is very well presented. It contains good points together with examples to support them.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Letters / I was the supervisor for her dissertation; Recommendation letter for graduate studies [5]

I am very pleased to recommend xxx to your University. I taught her for one year, when she was in her second year. In xxx's fourth year of academic studies I became her supervisor, as she was writing a term paper together with another student from her group. She worked hard and coped with the task excellently.

It is with great pleasure I recommend xxxxxxxxx for the yyyyyy course offered by your esteemed institution. I have known xxxxxx since (year) in the capacity of her professor. Further, she did her thesis under my supervision for which she worked very hard with a great commitment.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Syracuse supp/ Who & what influenced?/ Dream person & Syracuse / Work experience [6]

me and creativeness arent really best friends

Well... may be you still have not discovered your hidden talents :)

I have always been the one to play it safe. People called me boring because I didn't want to go on the new rollercoaster at Coney Island or go to the midnight premiere of a movie at Times Square.

This sounds pretty creative though you say you are a boring person :D
Also that question is very well answered. You see, creativeness comes out naturally when you are free from stress and other pressures :P
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / Taking a year of break between high school & university [5]

In current societies, whether taking a break between high school and university or not has been turning to a challenging issue amongst youth.

I guess it is not an issue, but a decision : )
In modern society, whether to take a break between high school and university or not is a challenging decision for the youth to make.

Despite the risk of becoming hard to back to educational system, significant role of obtaining new experiences and independence as two advantages of making such a decision should be highly considered.

.... You have good points here, but it is poorly presented. Also the sentence is too long :(
Better rephrase : )
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS:best way to make new friends?sports, community activities or travelling? [3]

Good Introduction :)

sports provides students

... sports provide students / sport provides students

although a student has to be really good at a particular sport

... although is not the appropriate word for this idea. It is "However"
However, a student requires certain talents to engage in sports.

However, students have lots of chances to make a wider scope of friends in various community activities,including the Christmas party and community services.

... sounds better without that part.

Once again a good essay! : )
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Computer will diminish the writing skills [3]

Nowadays, modern technology has totally changed our approach to study.

... This is a strong opening statement. It sounds general but it has relevance to your topic.

In fact, some people believe that modern technology does many of our day-to-day activities, both for young and adult, which in turn will adversely affect our lives

... with this you are deviating from the topic... After the previous line, you must quickly align your ideas with the topic which talks about how computers affect reading and writing skills of new generations. My suggestion;

Unlike the previous generations, the children today use computers extensively for reading and writing. Some people believe this has alarming effects on their language skills.
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Tennis has been my santuary and refuge of stres;Common App / Extracurricular activity [4]

I like what you've written... It reflects your engagement with Tennis very colorfully. However, it's good to pay attention what Katev said by;

Also, end stronger. You bring up a good point, that tennis is your sanctuary, at the end. Follow through with that!

I guess if you address this aspect, your essay would be one among the most unique ones :D
It'll give more life to this answer :)
Also you have an allowance of 78 words ... why not take advantage of it?
dumi   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / STEVE JOBS - Significant person form history; Common App Personal essay [4]

Good effort by Katev! : )

I had become buff of him since I saw imprints of his personality in the movie

I became an ardent admirer of him since I saw imprints of his personality in the movie....

I was stunned when I find these crises faced by Jobs.

I was stunned by his unshaken determination that turned a disaster into a great success.

It's good to have one or two quotes by Steve Jobs in your essay and show how they inspired you.

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