Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Process of making cement to produce a concrete brick [3]


the use of construction.




To make your sentences sounds more formal, you'd better use the passive form for those sentences above.


To here as a preposition ,not To-infinitive

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why music is so important? It's indispensable part of people's life [6]

I don't think you have problem with grammatical mechanics.


It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay: House or a business. Which would you choose to buy? [4]


The comma in this sentence shows diversities between a sub clause and a main clause


Incomplete sentence.


Buying a house/ houses

Read as many English authentic texts/sample writings as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading texts not only gives you some new ideas about different topics, but it also improves your vocab and grammar

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that technology advancement is a sign of human progress [4]

Where is your writing?

Google is the best friend. Everything you can find there.
If you think that you need some feedback, you post your writing as a rough draft here. Or, if you don't want to post it, use this site, EssayForum, to look at other peoples' essays for ideas. Good luck :D

Writing Feedback / To be successful in studying, students should have a good method to learn effectively. [6]


Self study
If students study alone, they can absolutely concentrate on their exercisessubjects without any distraction, (Stop here) whichThis can help them understand the lessons easily and quickly.

A note to remember:
Log on to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL/GRE, etc with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)

Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.
Always make it a habit of including the prompt on top of your essay :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] old and young workers [9]


Today's modern workplace allows people to work anytime. However, this is not too welcome with employees over age 50. For some people, they think that these workers are not as innovative as the younger ones. Therefore, I too believe that the younger workers give fresh suggestions as to how a company could be run effectively.


3, 4, 5, or more paragraphs are OK as long as you can beat the time given.



These can be categorized as memorized phrase(s). You may get penalized when you use them in the real exam.


Well, I prefer using 'in conclusion' instead this phrase, which is categorized as cliche

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Process (Tea Production) [7]

The picture ilustrates( problem with spelling) the process making tea starting from the beginning to the final product, that is a cup of tea.(adds no value. Omit it) It can be seen thatOverall, the process is quite simple and does not need heavy or complicated equipment, however, it needs many stages, which can be dividedsplitting into two groups of stages.

Write an introduction and an overview in different paragraphs. Not separating paragraph, you may get penalized.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some celebrities misguide young people& some guide them in right direction [5]

It is true thatS ome celebrities tend to show off their images in front of the public. For example, some movie starts to enjoy wearing luxury brand clothes and showing their expensiveas to show life style in front of the media, thereby is togainingattractthe public attention.


This is too simple, but good. However, you need to put suggestion(s) as to show how the doers should act for the perspective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1; percentage of total US population aged 65 and over between 1900 and 2000 [3]



This adds no value. You'd better present this Writing task 1with more formal tone. Avoid personal opinions


By followed by year should be written using Had + V3

Follow Dumi's approach if you think you need to earn a good score.

Writing Feedback / The table subordinate to Somecoutry's people [6]


You don't need to write a conclusion. You'd better present a clear overview. With this, you will lift up your score :D
Also, you should spend your time reading sample answers of IELTS as to how your writing could be improved.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: improve health by increasing sport facilities; 'regimen of nutrition' [6]

In a different perspective, researchers has prooveshow that, (omit this comma) an effective regimen of nutrition also affects in(affect is a transitive verb which needs an object ) our health. Fast food industry has boomingboomed over decades, resulting in the increasing of illness related to obese. Obese peopleAdult obesityareis commonly diagnosed as diabeteS patients and other deadly symptomS related to heart. A reasonable diet with more vegetables and less lipid and calories is helpful as well as nourishing for our heart.

Simple grammar is a must if you need a high score

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Reading books or Watching TV? 'Equal credits should be given' [7]

Did you finish it on time? You write very well. However, I have a few details to share:



The boldface words can be categorized as the faulty reference of a pronoun. Also, you'd better avoid a contracted form (see the red one)


a subject-verb agreement

Scholarship / provide a statement outlining why you are applying for these Scholarships [3]

After graduation ( a comma) I hope to do an internship in a developed country so as to put my acquired knowledge to practice in a more challenging environment. Once internship year is over, I will return to Zimbabwe. By joining a team of professionals that is competent, adheres to financial statutes and respect the corporate governance.( a bad sentence. A subject-verb agreement should be here) We will work together for to improve our organisation and ultimately our country.

In conjunction with my career ( a comma) I want to enroll for PhD. This PhD program should take a maximum of 4 years and . Then, it will be a PhD done by research in the field of copula functions as applied to financial risk

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; More important to work quickly& risk making mistakes [7]

Well, if you feel that you are OK with five paragraphs, you'd better keep it well.
I share what I have learnt as an IELTS student who likes writing in a four-paragraph essay.


Sure :D Hope this helps ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2012/03/ielts-writing-task-2-agree-disagree-or-both.html

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools should only teach children the academic subject [6]

Let me give you simple advice as to how your writing could be marked higher: When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Computer ownership - From 2002 to 2010 [6]

Single graphs
Introduction: Here you sould state what the graph shows
short body paragraph: state the most improtant piece of information here (summary/overview)
main body paragraphs: Here you need to make comparisons and state the important features of the graphs (usually 2 paragraphs)

Double graphs
Introduction: Write one sentence, but introduce each chart separately e.g "This first bart chart shows..., and the second chart illustrates

Short body:
Write 2 sentences. If the information in the charts is not connected, find one main point or general trend for each chart. If the charts are connected, try to make comparisons

Main body paragprahs: If the two charts are completely different (e.g. a graph and a table), write a separate paragraph about each.
If the charts are the same, and show the same information (e.g. 2 pie charts), do not describe them separately, the examiner will want to see comparisons.

In this case, you could write one paragraph describing all of the information, but it is still more preferable to write two paragraphs because it makes the essay look more organized

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: Computer ownership among educated people [5]

Double graphs
Introduction: Write one sentence, but introduce each chart separately e.g "This first bart chart shows..., and the second chart illustrates

Short body:
Write 2 sentences. If the information in the charts is not connected, find one main point or general trend for each chart. If the charts are connected, try to make comparisons

Main body paragraphs: If the two charts are completely different (e.g. a graph and a table), write a separate paragraph about each.
If the charts are the same, and show the same information (e.g. 2 pie charts), do not describe them separately, the examiner will want to see comparisons.

In this case, you could write one paragraph describing all of the information, but it is still more preferable to write two paragraphs because it makes the essay look more organized

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way [10]



You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays. You will find this under the Tools menu of Microsoft Word. If something in your document is underlined in red or green, be sure to check the spelling and grammar suggestions prior to submission.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: students participating in class discussion as investment for their future [6]

The first thing the reader sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read. Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: university education "to help graduates get better jobs" [4]


Even your prompt is open for discussion, there is no harm you stating your own opinion in the introduction itself.
It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Since IELTS Task 2 is a time bound task, it is always good to follow one particular structure during practice sessions

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Write a letter to your manager asking for a training course [5]


As I know, there are two salutations that can be used:
1. (Semi) Formal letter: Dear Sir or Madam. Or if you know the one's name, then you write this: Dear Mr Kennedy
2. Informal letter: Dear Kennedy,


Writing in order of the points given makes the purpose of the letter clear and shows a well-organised layout.
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.


Everything is OK, rims :D However, you'd better use the phrase depending on the tone of the letter (formal or informal).
Formal: I await your approval | I await your prompt response, etc,.
Informal: Awaiting your approval | Hoping for your approval, etc,.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task - CHANGING CAREER AND PLACE OF LIVING ; POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [7]

Change is an inevitable part of life . To excel in their lives, many some people now a daysnowadayseasily change their careers and places of residence. Therefore,It is agreed that I agree that changing careers ishas a positive development for an individual as well as for theand society .Moreover, I too believe there seems a negative effect for This argument will be proven by looking at how changing careers can help an individual to become financially secure and to explore his own potential in different arenas .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Write a letter to your manager asking for a training course [5]

For the next letters, try to construct the paragraphs into:
Para 1: Opening:


Salutation should be: Dear Sir/ Madame,
Para 2: What the course is,
Para 3: Why it is required for your job,
Para 4: How you will manage work while doing the course.
Para 5: Closing |


try to find the other appropriate phrases dealing with the (semi) formal letter

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood [8]


The above is too long and makes the reader tired of memorizing so many facts you have written there.

Also, I see you need more work for the bodies of paragraph. To justify what I am saying, go get this link to see how the essay is rated:

Writing Feedback / Concrete produce: cement, water, sand and gravel are poured to a concrete mixer [5]


... as to how the satisfactory result could be delivered

Dealing with writing TASK 1, click on "Attach file(s)" to hand in the picture of graph/table/map .
When the next screen opens, click on "Choose File".
Wait for your file to upload and appear in the list "Items to attach".
Then, click on "Post Your Message".

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Freedom for creative artist - 'show their idealism freely' [7]


Adammero has a good point. I also believe


, maxim, etc,. in IELTS can be categorized as the memorized language. The assessor wants to see how good you create words, not the everyday ones.


Faulty comparison.
Try this: words and pictures or music and film

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Employers should provide smoking areas for their employees [4]

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 30 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay).

With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]


Misnariah Idrus... Referencing is good, but in this case, I agree with the writer who keeps the word a computer. Remember: Keep the original word as to avoid doing Faulty reference of a pronoun

Writing Feedback / IELTS : An enjoyable job or a good salary? Discuss both sides and give your view [7]


andial.., I believe he has a good pattern for IELTS, but not for the introduction. If you see how that guy provides sample answers, then you will have a bulky introduction. It just takes time playing around the complicated introduction. Simply have background and thesis statement. What you need is to focus on the body of paragraph, which is the most important. In the end, if you still have time running, then go back to introduction as to enhance your HOOK.

Writing Feedback / the charts below give information about travel to and from UK. [6]


Single graphs
Introduction: Here you should state what the graph shows
short body paragraph: state the most important piece of information here (summary/overview)
main body paragraphs: Here you need to make comparisons and state the important features of the graphs (usually 2 paragraphs)

Double graphs
Introduction: Write one sentence, but introduce each chart separately e.g "This first bar chart shows..., and the second chart illustrates
Short body: Write 2 sentences. If the information in the charts is not connected, find one main point or general trend for each chart. If the charts are connected, try to make comparisons.

Main body paragraphs: If the two charts are completely different (e.g. a graph and a table), write a separate paragraph about each.
If the charts are the same, and show the same information (e.g. 2 pie charts), do not describe them separately, the examiner will want to see comparisons.

In this case, you could write one paragraph describing all of the information, but it is still more preferable to write two paragraphs because it makes the essay look more organized

Writing Feedback / IELTS : An enjoyable job or a good salary? Discuss both sides and give your view [7]


The best combination of work and salary leads levels of job satisfaction. (Hook)
For some people, a good salary should be the most important consideration in a job. (Background)
However, I think it is not money in itself which is important; it is people's ability to enjoy the job.(Thesis)

Final draft for the introduction:
The best combination of work and salary leads levels of job satisfaction. Therefore some people argue that a good salary should be the most important consideration in a job. However, I think it is not money in itself which is important; it is people's ability to enjoy the job.

Noteworthy:
Even your prompt is open for discuss both views, there is no harm you stating your own opinion in the introduction itself. It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.


This phrase is too common. Many students use this in their opening paragraph. As a result, this can be categorized as the memorized language.You'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect phrase is much more acceptable. They use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the assessor. You may get penalized.


Omit it. This adds no value.

Writing Feedback / Is international sport releasing patriotic emotions? 'fans support their teams' [4]


Sports unite peoples from different corners of the world. (Hook)
For some people, sport events heighten international tensions. For some others, this is the best way to express the feeling of patriotism. Both views have merits and demerits. (Background)

However, I believe that sports have always been very important in this part of the world. (Thesis statement)

Final draft for your introduction:
Sports unite peoples from different corners of the world. For some people, sport events heighten international tensions. For some others, this is the best way to express the feeling of patriotism. Both views have merits and demerits. However, I believe that sports have always been very important in this part of the world.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]


Yes, sure :D
Here it is:
Children use computers both for recreation and education. Some people argue these devices have affected children's social skills in negative ways. Some others claim that children are motivated to learn faster and better with computers. Therefore, I too agree that computers encourage children's study performance and promote parental involvement.



These ideas come out nowhere.Pay particular attention to the prompt as to put an accurate interpretation on your IELTS essay.


Here is my advice:Read as many IELTS writings/ authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Undergraduate / WHO AM I? 'dream to work as a game developer' [6]

Here some edits:
When I am with my friends, I describe myself as an outgoing person if compared to others . Many people find it hard to make friends, but when it comes to me,I find it easy to make new friendsit is always easywhen I am with them. I treat these friends like my sisters and brothers. So if ever they need a helping handsome helps, I will be there with all my best.try my best to reach out my hands to them.

Final draft:
I describe myself as an outgoing person if compared to others. Many people find it hard to make friends, but when it comes to me, it is always easy.I treat them like my sisters and brothers. So if they need some helps, I will be there with all my best.

Writing Feedback / Some people say the world would be a better place without private cars [3]


When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read. Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]

It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.


This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph I suggest:
It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Practice - knowledge gained from experience or knowledge gained from books [4]

Look at what Pahan suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction.

Writing Feedback / Success is only getting big reward or collecting money or something special [10]





You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays. You will find this under the Tools menu of Microsoft Word. If something in your document is underlined in red or green, be sure to check the spelling and grammar suggestions prior to submission. Also proofread your essay yourself to locate correctly spelled but misused words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Old building must be protected by law, not knocked down. [7]

This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph I suggest:
It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)

Writing Feedback / Societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. IELTS [6]

Developing the classical five paragraph essay or more will send you to earn a very impressive result, but this should be followed by a succinct explanation, coherent sentences, grammar error-free, colloquial usage, etc. Otherwise, you may get an average score.