Writing Feedback / Should children be reeducated with severe methods? [8]

Also, I forgot to make my admin requests in the previous post - You should include the prompt in the thread so that we can understand exactly what your prompt requests from you. Again, had you mentioned the purpose of writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc. then we could have aligned our comments more with task related requirements. Make sure that you would follow these instructions in your future threads :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The stages and equipment used in the cement-making process [6]

The diagram shows how cement is producedthe stages of cement and concrete productionand how is way of using cement to produce concrete for buildingpurposes.


This is not a good overview. Here's what I suggest;
Overall, the cement production, which passes through six stages from crushing raw materials to packaging is a more complicated process compared to the simple process of the concrete production which involves only mixing raw materials.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 - VIOLENT MOVIES can cause serious social problems [8]

Recently , most ofMany people supposebelieve that the high rates of violent scenesviolenceare leadingthat lead to detrimental community issues . One of the main problems that contributes to the severe troubles is violent movies make people neglectedare caused by the violent scenes in movies.This problem , among others , will be discussed hereafter, and methods which can reduce them will be given .Such scenes are particularly bad for young minds and strict censorship on such scenes can be an effective measure to deal with this issue(you need to briefly state the problem and the measure that you would talk in detail in the body paras)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : People move to cities is increasing [3]


This lacks clarity :( Be careful and do not say anything confusing as you open the essay. If you are not comfortable with the hook part, start with introducing the background of the issue by merely paraphrasing the title which is much easier. If you have confusing sentences to open your essay, that can do a much great damage than not having a hook :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: paying taxes is enough contribution from citizens [8]

Paying taxes is the obligation of citizens towards their governments in almost every country.


Very good intro :)
As we know, there are impoverished or disabled people in every society, needing help and support from others who have the capacity to offer that support.

I must say, this is a very good essay. You display very good writing skills, you have followed the most appropriate structure, good vocabulary, good ideas etc.

Good Luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / ielts - Every year several languages die cut; Language as pride of every nation [13]


This is a very poor start. You need to begin your essay with an interesting catchy hook that has the ability to grab your attention throughout your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Why people are moving to big cities - social issue [5]

First, you write very well. However, you need to have more specific examples to support the reasons you are using to justify your position on the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Planning a new hypermarket (A, B and C) in the city of Pellington. [8]


In this diagram, there is no reference to governments. So, you should not touch on anything that is not mentioned or presented in the diagram as this is a report writing task, of which the scope is limited to reporting only what is presented by the diagram.

However, the lastleast possible locations areis totally than area B and C.
The above sentence does not deliver a clear idea.... you need to rephrase that :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Computer ownership - From 2002 to 2010 [6]

The graphs showpresent details of computer ownership between the period of 2002 and 2010 and compare with computer ownership bybased on the level of education level as a percentage of the population betweenin 2002 and 2010.

You should introduce the graphs with very specific time frames. They are very very important in this task :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Greenhouse gases trap energy from the sun [9]

Greenhouse give affectsto atmosphere and earth negatively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Adult educational survey report [15]


The pie chart reveals that the cost of subject had been borne by 40% of the cost of higher education had been borne by individuals while 35% of the total cost had been borne by the employer. .... Also tell something about the bar chart too :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Famous people are bothered by the media [7]


This is actually not something which is said in your prompt;


Actually why media pays more attention to private lives of famous people is because they want to lift their sales. Your writing always needs to stay aligned with your prompt.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools should only teach children the academic subject [6]


It is important that you state your opinion very clearly before concluding your intro. This line lacks clarity and needs improvement with its presentation. It is not very clear whether you disagree with the statement or not. :(


This you already once said in the introduction and hence there is no need to repeat the same in the body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Many old buildings protected by law are part of a nation's history. [8]


You need to pay lots of attention to your grammar :( Let me rephrase this line;
First, some people would want to replace the old buildings with new and more modern buildings.

For example, in the village have many history's housesthere are many houses with historical value such as house Aceh that ishad been built by using wood and roof from leaves, this house is calm and natural.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government should be considered to budget more for preventing programs [3]


I feel your intro sounds better without this line... I don't find any value addition to your essay by this line :(
Helping people with health problems is not merely cured after the disease comesis not a guaranteed way to ensure complete recovery , but doingmaking efforts on prevention step is stood as more beneficial.is a very prudent step that helps people to be free from such ailments altogether.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: Computer ownership among educated people [5]


This is a very confusing statement. In the overview, you need to give an overall idea to the reader about the main trends of what graphs present. This is what I suggest for this task;

Overall, the computer ownership has recorded a steady increase from 2002 to 2010. Further, the level of education too has a direct correlation with the ownership of computers such that higher the level of education, higher the percentage ownership of computers in both 2002 and 2010.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People attend collage or university especially for career preparation [9]


Well, you are going out of topic. Your prompt says-


So, there is not point in talking about the people who attend college for no reason. You need to stay aligned with the prompt by talking about the reasons for people to attend school.

Writing Feedback / "Get bored because nothing to do around" - a new movie theater may be built [7]

Second, the closest movie theater is 25 minutes from my home and it is quite a distance we need to travel to get that experience which is not so encouraging us to see movies.If we want to watch movies in the cinema, then we need to go to NoName Cinema which is located in downtown 25 minutes from home. (you are almost repeating the same idea you said in the previous line...better avoid repetition)

Undergraduate / SUMMER CAMP ESSAY: Why do you want to attend the summer course? [6]


... Welcome to EF! :)


... this sentence is too long and therefore the reader needs to memorize too many things towards the end of the sentence :) Let's try it a bit differently - this is my suggestion;

From my childhood itself, I always quite adventurous and sought new experiences. I was always ready to accept the outcome of all my adventures be them good or bad. From the good experiences I earned a deeper understanding and exposure while the bad ones provided me with important lessons for life.

Writing Feedback / Classification essay; aren't rock music isn't boring - 'sub-genres of choice' [3]

Rock music is important to me because it acts as an outlet for expressing things that I am unable to putexpress ininto words. It also acts as a stimulus, that allows me to awaken buried memories and evoke emotional responses. Rock music can be broken into many sub-genres, each genre consisting of its own unique sound. Rock music isThere is a wide range of sub-genres of Rock and it is full of creativity, art, and emotions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should all offenders be sent to prisons? 'alternative punishment' [7]

You have very good writing skills. Improve on the essay structure as Pahan suggested to you because this task has a major bearing on time factor. You need to complete your essay having all relevant features in it within the the allocated time. So, practice with time following a particular structure during your practice sessions so that you would find much comfortable in completing this task efficiently at the exam.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Animals should not be exploited by people [6]


This is not a good hook.... Your hook should ,in the first place, be meaningful. What do you mean by high energy? I don't see much meaningful idea here. Second, it should be relevant to your topic and provide a good entrance for you to introduce your topic. That also does not happen here :(

Your topic runs on rights of animals to live on this planet. It talks about whether we can justify exploitation of their lives for our own requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Australian weather broadcasting process [6]

The diagram shows a process of weather broadcasterbroadcastingwhich is broadcasted by the Australian Bureau of Meteorology


Overall, the process of broadcasting comprises of three main stages. ... simply say what is the most obvious trend or observation.


... avoid this approach from your essays written for this task

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Number of childeren ever born from mother aged 40-45 [6]


Not adding any meaning to your writing. This is what I suggest;
Overall, the percentage of women with no children, one child and two children had increased while the women with three and more children have decreased from 1985 to 2006.


This is a wrong phrase - mother giving birth to two children

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Subway system in London, Paris, Tokio, Washington, Kyoto and Los Angeles [4]


This is not adding any value to your writing as it does not give any meaningful information to the reader. In this task which is focused on report writing, you need to tell things in short, but every sentence should inform some important information about the graphical presentation to the reader. Avoid meaningless phrases like above. In the overview, you need to tell the most obvious trend/trends in short without any details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Changes of mode transportation using in UK [5]


This is a very important aspect in report writing. You should not make any errors when interpreting data, trends and other information. Accuracy of data in reporting is one of the most important aspects in this task. Be careful!


You need to adopt a tone which is more appropriate for reporting facts;
The long distance buses have recorded a decline form 429 miles in 1985 to 274 mile in 2000.

Writing Feedback / Cultural Changes in Music from Generation to Generation [3]

Yes, this is very important. You need to tell us the purpose why you wrote it (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) and then what the full prompt is. Then only we can align our comments with task requirements.


.... this needs grammar fixes;
Therefore, it means that in all societies there exists gaps between generations that require continuous efforts to deal with these differences.
In writing, clarity is much more important than complexity. :D

Writing Feedback / Ielts: invite letter: for Tom - coming for a visit in Beijing [5]

First, a small admin request - Open all your IELTS threads in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS tasks :)


You are asked to write to a friend and therefore this letter comes under informal category. Here's some notes on that;

Formal;
To someone you have not met, whose name you don't know ; Opening Dear Sir / Madam ; Ending Yours faithfully
Semi-formal
To someone you may or may not have met, whose last name you know & use; OpeningDear Mr Brown,Dear Ms Stone; EndingYours sincerely
Informal
To someone you know well, whose first name you know and use; Opening Dear John/Dear Anita; Ending Best regards/Warm wishes

Scholarship / Graduate Scholarship essay - Within every person lies some form of diversity [2]


Within everybody, there exists some form of diversity.


Well, this section does not make much meaningful contribution to the answer for your prompt. These sentences talk about more general stuff and does not answer your prompt which asks you how your diverse background would contribute their community. It is important that you talk to the point.

Writing Feedback / Should children be reeducated with severe methods? [8]


Yes, it eddies is correct. It is important for us to know the purpose of this writing and the prompt too. Then we can align our comments better with task requirements :)

Writing Feedback / "Living alone without parent" - Do you guys think this is good narrative essay? [3]


It was my own decision that moved me away from my family.


I was already tired of living in the rural are with my parents and limited privacy made it much worse.


However, I soon realized that living alone was not going to be a bed of roses, but it came with so many hardships and challenges.

Is this a part of common app for a study program? Better you include the prompt too in your future threads.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Why people are moving to big cities - social issue [5]

Recently, there has been a social concern in regardswith regard to whether the big city is the best place for us to live. Indeed, increasing number of people from small cities or rural areas choose to move to big cites.

In the first place, one major factor that makes a large city more favourable than village for living is the developed transportation system.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - Technology makes people's lives simpler rather than complicated [5]


This sentence is not going to add much value to your flow. I wish you do away with this and conclude your intro stating your opinion. However, your intro is well structured. This is the recommend structure for intro (I think you have followed it well);

Letters / Motivation letter for Tallinn University of Technology [6]


This is somewhat confusing for me :( connected with people and computer systems? How can that be a dream job?
I guess you should rephrase this line.


This is again sounds confusing due its length. I wish you split that sentence into at least two :)

Writing Feedback / Unemployment rates in US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999 [6]

You need to pay attention to the approach suggested by Pahan above. This task is about report writing and the above approach (Pahan's suggestion) is the best for reporting your observations. So, what you have written above lacks a clear introduction and an overview. They are must features for this task. However, you don't need to have a conclusion for this task and there avoid a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The audiences of radio and television for full the day in 1992. [3]


I hope you pay more attention to the structure that Pahan has suggested above. It is the most appropriate approach for this task. So, according to that the above is your Overview and in the overview you should not include any statistics or data. It should contain your main observations or trends of the graph to give an overall picture to the reader.


Unlike for IELTS TASK 2, you need not to have a conclusion for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The electricity consumption and cost per year [8]

Follow the approach suggested by Pahan for this task :)

Electronic devices which isof which the cost is less thanlow cost $42 per year need less than 500 kwh per year. There are only 5 electronics wheredevices in this partcategory. Home computer, aquarium, dishwasher electric cooking, freezer, water bed heater, clothes dryer and washing machine are includes electronic with highincur higher cost aboutover $83 per year. They are need about 1000 kwh per year.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1:Type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 [4]

I believe I suggested you an appropriate structure for this task in one of your other threads. However, you have not followed that approach here.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the traditional skills will die out? -- IELTS Essay [7]


Alright.... the ideal way is to write a catchy short hook that provides a very good entrance to your essay. It should be relevant to your prompt too :) In this case, you topic revolves around technological development and its impact on traditional skills. So you need to start from that point;

We now live in an era in which technology dominates every aspect of our lives. (hook) Now you can start to introduce your topic ... OR

If you struggle to come up with a good hook, then you open your essay with introducing the background of the issue. That is much easier because all you need to do is to paraphrase the prompt.

Graduate / it's never too late to start a new beginning: MS in BI- motivation letter [4]

My interest in this area arosebegan during my bachelor studies. First, I took a course of Global Economics which introduced me to a variety of aspects of economics and business and provided me with a strong theoretical backgroundknowledge in these subjects.Later I had several courses which explained economics modeling and data analysis with a focus on the exploitation of software tools and applications