Graduate / Personal Statement for University of Leeds - Msc Advanced Mechanical Engineering [3]

This will work better as your statement of purpose rather than as your personal statement. You will need to provide a proper personal statement that indicates the growth of your interest in Mechanical Engineering. The personal statement for a graduate course should combine 2 things, your passion for mechanical engineering, and your motivation for studying the course.

Your passion, in terms of the personal statement should highlight the way that you have grown your interests in this professional field. For instance, when you first entered the profession, explain what your duties and responsibilities were. Then explain how you grew from that to your current position. Make sure to indicate how you grew as a person because of your professional experience. That will help show your development as a person in relation to your profession. That is an integral part of the personal statement.

Then, explain your interest in "green" things and why it is important to you that yo be properly trained in "green" mechanical engineering. Remember that your personal involvement in your profession will help create a better idea as to how you, as a person, will benefit from the MSc training. It will be important to highlight at this point why you chose the course and university. That way, you will show both your academic and professional goals that will culminate in your completion of the course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because ... [4]

You have over written the essay. You will do better by writing a clear 275-290 word essay that focuses on the clear presentation of a single extent opinion rather than over 300 words riddled with spelling and grammar errors. You read the instructions, you were asked to what extent do you agree or disagree. So you have to decide if you want to discuss the measurement of your agreement or disagreement, based on your knowledge and opinion of the given topic. You cannot both agree and disagree with the statement because this is a single opinion essay, regardless of the measurement reference.

As such, you indicated that "I believe.." but failed to quantify the extent through an emotional description (strongly, fully, partially, etc.) and a reference to the 2 reasons for your opinion. The measured response with the added outline of the discussion paragraphs will allow you to clearly reference your opinion to the examiner, who can use the combined information to give you a better TA score.

You cannot separate your opinion response between the newspaper and books in print because the original prompt does not separate the two in the presentation. These are partnered information from the essay which, when separated in the discussion / statement, creates a prompt deviation that could automatically result in the failing of your essay. The failing score will be based on your lack of clear understanding as to how the essay presentation was to be formatted for the written discussion. You have not properly restated the original prompt. Instead, you have created your own discussion parameters, not in line with the original discussion. This will result in a response that is not related to the original discussion, which means your TA score will be in the failing score range, making it more difficult for you to recover in terms of scoring consideration due to the other existing errors in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Museums are unnecessary today because people can see historical objects or art works on computer [4]

The "I partly agree" response would make a good response in a measured extent essay. It is not applicable to a single opinion essay that gives you a response choice of agree or disagree. There is no "in-between" response because no such choice was offered. You have not discussed the essay in the proper format and as such, will find that you will get a failing score for 2 reasons:

1. Your response does not address the task requirement (choice of agree OR disagree)
2. There is no clarity to you actual opinion in the essay

As such, the essay cannot be given a passing score. Most specially since you have shown a lack of ability to follow instructions as provided to you in the exercise. When you lack English comprehension skills so visibly, it is impossible for you to properly respond to, or write in the required format for the given essay theme and question.

Speeches / Talented program - Answer this Q ( speaking ) : what is your university and major? [2]

Is this a word limited response statement? The way you wrote it is very choppy and in need of professional editing. However, you can use this version with some simple corrections. For starters, you need to better explain what the Talented Program is. Is that the same as a college major? If it is, then explain why it is the same. It really sounds strange to a non Vietnamese so you need to be sure the reviewer will clearly understand your response. Next, you are offering the publicly known information for your course major. It does not contain any academic reasons or personal reasons for the choice. If you are pursuing this major because it is the next step for your hobby development, then you need to focus your explanation regarding your choice of major on that. This being your hobby, you chose to major in it because? As of now, this response is unacceptable as it does not really create a clear response or explanation for the reviewer to consider your application on.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2 - People forget the meaning of festivals and only want to enjoy themselves [3]

You have not changed enough of the words from the original presentation to qualify your paraphrase as "an original in your own words". It uses mostly cut and paste keywords from the original. Which will pose a problem for your TA score as it will be judged as mostly memorized or cut and paste phrases. You are not responding properly to the question and have changed the discussion instruction in the process. The original question was "To what extent?" meaning a measured response with a single opinion. You decided to create your own discussion instruction by responding in a comparative manner. Therefore, these TA errors alone will ensure a failing score for your essay. That failing score will be based on your response which barely responds to the task requirement because you failed to deliver a clear position on the given discussion. I do not have to review your essay any further at this point. The more errors I find, the clearer it becomes that you do not have a properly developed discussion presentation. That means, this presentation may not even get close to a passing score in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Computers in school will never be able to replace the teacher? [4]

The first problem with this essay that will almost definitely mean that you will not receive a passing score is, you did not meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words You have written only 203/250 words. Imagine the large percentage points that will be applied to your essay based on the missing word count alone. That will start off your scoring consideration in a failed basis immediately.

The second problem, is that you have not clearly stated / explained your reasons in your discussion paragraphs. In the first one, you speak of self - consciousness and the need for teachers so that children will do homework. There is a problem with that presentation because a teacher's strictness will never be a compelling reason for a student to do his homework. If a student does not want to do the homework, he won't do it regardless of the strictness of the teacher. Also, you have failed to consider that in the current worldwide school setup, the students are more reliant on computers for their education rather than in-classroom teaching with a teacher present. These days, studies are modular in approach, which has negated the need for a teacher, but increased the need for computers.

The discussion should also be based on personal experience and knowledge. That means, you cannot refer to a survey for your information. Just omit the reference to a source of the information and form the data to show that it is a personal opinion or personal knowledge.

Writing Feedback / Many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. [4]

Okay, you are misdirecting the discussion. You cannot make claims not included in the original prompt. If you review the original presentation, you will not see any indication that the prompt is referring to the study as a definitive truth. Since there is no basis for such a claim in your prompt restatement, you cannot deliver that information as a fact. In fact, you cannot mention it at all since it is not a part of the original presentation. The clarity of your opinion and the veracity of your prompt restatement is based only on your ability to rephrase the discussion without adding information, making false claims, or giving opinions where none is required.

Another problem with your presentation is that you have decided to discuss the negative effects of online socialization. When you review the original questions provided for your response, the first question asked actually was:

Why do you think this is the case?

So discussing the negative effects does not respond properly to the question provided. Then the second question was:

What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?

However, for your second discussion topic, you chose to respond with a nonsensical response. Nonsensical in the sense that the sentence you created does not have any sense or meaning when read by a native English speaker:

...to encourage those for restricting this bad habit, if it has the school education and family care.

Basically, the essay will be judged as delivering a response that is totally unrelated to the task. Therefore, based on this response, I do not believe that you can get a passing score. Why will it not pass? You failed to show that you understood the prompt discussion topic and requirements. A lack of English comprehension skills will indicate that you will not be able to perform as a student in your target university.

This reason alone should be the focus of your problem with this presentation because it is the biggest problem you have. That is aside from sentence structure, grammar range, cohesiveness and coherence problems, and other errors that will further prevent you from getting a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Physical and mental strength, which is more important in sport? Discuss both and give opinion [2]

Good discussion. Bad presentation format. The format says discuss both points of view, THEN present your own opinion. The way that you presented this discussion shows a singular point of view. No, referring to a survey does not represent the other point of view. No, using the word "we" does not represent the public point of view. These all represent a personal opinion in first person form. That is not the correct approach to take in this essay.

For each public point of view you must use the third person pronoun to explain their discussion reason in the paragraph. For example:

There are people that believe physical strength is more important in sports. They base this opinion on the understanding that... I would like to counter this opinion based on my personal understanding that... For example... Hence my opposition to this belief.

Now, there are those who say that mental strength is more important. Their specific explanation for supporting this idea is that... In my point of view... This is based upon...

Therefore when one consider the discussion of... Considering (point 1) and (point 2), I am of the opinion that...

It is better to show an analytical method of discussion, giving a personal opinion for each point of view, with a strong support for one and a strong opposition for the other. That way, you cover both requirements of the discussion format, the public explanation and the personal opinion.

By the way, you can only use one punctuation mark in a sentence. You cannot use both. I do not know why but a very common problem for exam takers these days is the successive use of a comma and the ellipses. This is a violation of punctuation usage rules and should not be done in academic, creative, or informal paper presentations. Use only one punctuation mark at a time or risk getting severe GRA scoring deductions in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Proposed changes of existing floor [2]

The discussion is not really rushed, nor analyzed. This is a 3 paragraph discussion that should have the following format:
- Summary overview + trending statement
- Original floor plan notes
- Changes in the new design

The main problem with your presentation is the format of the presentation. You did well in describing the changes, but you need to work on proper formatting presentations. Always start with a description of the original in a paragraph, then the changes applied in another. When you follow that format, you should score better.Do not try to summarize everything. You need to show a detailed analysis of both images.

You have to make sure that you describe the original room completely before you describe the changes. When you jump directly into the new format without properly describing the previous format, the reader, whom you have to assume cannot see the images, will not be able to create a mental picture of your description. Additionally, these are not maps but rather outlines of changes to a room. Be careful with your descriptions. Know the different types of images used and how to describe these alternately from the original presentation.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the number of tourists visiting a particular Caribbean island [3]

The original instruction said you were given a graph. In your actual writing, you need to identify the type of graph for clarity sake. So it is a line graph, not just a graph. Good work identifying the sources of the measurement but you forgot to identify the measurement type (by the millions). You also misplaced the trending statement as a part of the second paragraph instead of using it as the final sentence of the summary overview. The second paragraph would have been stronger if you did not include the trending statement in that presentation. The total discussion should have been the trending statement in this presentation.

You did a good job with differentiating the presentation methods from the normal count to fractions, and the like. However, you should have discussed the island and cruise ship visitors more clearly, using proper references, in separate paragraphs. At this point, the second paragraph became too long and confusing to read. This would have an effect on your C&C score.

You were not careful with your grammar usage in this presentation. You have several spelling errors, which you would have caught if you had bothered to review you work first. You also have problems with formality in presentation as you use contractions in the presentation (don't = do not). Remember that in formal writing, all words are spelled out contractions and abbreviations must be avoided whenever possible.

Writing Feedback / What are some possible ways for modern workers to maintain work-life balance ? [3]

The essay feels rushed. You need an effective introduction to the topic before you present the actual discussion. This is known as the introductory paragraph. Use about 3 sentences to just introduce the topic, why you will be discussing it, and what you hope you writing can do for your reader or, offer an opinion you will be discussing in the presentation.

Your current first paragraph works well or is acceptable as a second paragraph that actually discusses the topic. The problem with that paragraph, is that you do not effectively explain the two topics in the paragraph. There needs to be a clear and proper build up of your reasoning discussion based on the given topic. The topic and example alone are not enough to convince the reader to believe what you are saying.

Be careful when typing. I think you prematurely hit the enter button, which separate the two presentations. I think you were aiming for a single paragraph presentation, but created 2 paragraphs instead, with one paragraph being incomplete in development and presentation. The second paragraph should have started with "finally" as you were discussing a new topic in that section. Then "To sum up" should have also been a separate paragraph as that is a concluding presentation for your discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1 - The three different purposes of water used in six ares of the world [2]

Your summary overview can use more work. The summary overview is best presented as complete when it represents:
- The number of images provided (number of pie charts)
- 3 purposes indicated
- 6 countries the measurements was taken in
- measurement type (percentage)
- Trending statement

A total of 5 sentences representing the most important information you will be discussing in the next 2 paragraphs. Now, based on the number of discussion focus presented in along with the images, this should be a 4 paragraph essay representing:

- Summary overview + trending statement
- Industrial use discussion for the 6 countries
- Agricultural use for the 6 countries
- Domestic use for the 6 countries

Each paragraph for each specific usage must do a comparative discussion of the 6 countries within it. That will require up to a 5 sentence discussion per paragraph for each topic. Try to present no more than 195 words at the most in the overall essay. Keep the comparisons short but informative. Straightforward information presentation will be best. Why did I say this?

Review your essay, you never presented any measurements for domestic usage. You did not include the percentage even though the trending statement indicated that it has the lowest measurement among all 3 areas of water consumption within the 6 countries. That means you have omitted informing the examiner about an aspect of the image presentation. The data provided is therefore incomplete and cannot be scored based on a complete and proper analysis of the provided information.

By the way, you accidentally capitalized the word "domestic" in your presentation. That is not a proper noun and should never be presented using a capitalized first letter.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts below show the causes the diseases in developing and developed countries [3]

While I cannot advise you regarding the factual correctness of your presentation and information because of the lack of image, which is a requirement for all Task 1 essays submitted for review here, I can tell you that you have not written enough words to satisfy a higher score for your essay. The summary overview is almost totally uninformative and the trending statement does not make any sense since there is no clear subject represented in the trend. Basically, without the image, nobody can properly review your work. It leaves the reader with much more questions than answers with regards to the supposed image information. I doubt this type of writing can get you a passing score in the actual test.

Undergraduate / SAIC Art Statement - My Reflections Off Art [2]

I would try to enhance the discussion about your participation in the Texas State Fair art exhibit and the Scholastic Art and Writing competition. By expanding those discussion points, you can further explain your art-making practices as a part of other activities that contribute to the making of your work. Maybe, you can also try and explain further regarding the different types of inspiration that you get when using physical art renditions using graphite, oil, and paint in comparison to the work that you complete using and iPad Pro. These differentiation can help you give a better idea of why you would use specific materials in some instances and why you prefer other materials when considering other presentations.

By the way, "discovery of my persons" is grammatically incorrect. Perhaps you were aiming for "discovery of my personalities" instead? Or perhaps, "discovery of my talents/skills/creativity"? You can work on the correction of that reference later on. Focus on the development of your response first. The grammar check and proofreading should come dead last in the development of your response essay.

Undergraduate / Tulane University - why Tulane - it will allow me to flourish and make an impact in New Orleans [2]

When applying to colleges, it is better to never mention any professors names, just the classes you plan to take. Unless you expect to get a letter of recommendation from that specific professor, it is always best to remain neutral in your choice of professors. In case you end up in the class, with a different professor (should that be the case). Your activism is already strongly implied in the overall presentation, there is no need to mention that word specifically. Try to still be politically correct and less sensational by not using any trigger words in your essay. Just keep it represented, but not spoken. It works better that way for your application.

The portion about your plan to help refugees in New Orleans does not directly relate to your choice of university. Do not include that reference in the essay as it is really irrelevant to the choice of university. While I admire your activism, you may want to tone it down just a tad. Just to show that you are there to learn more than to advocate for personal causes. Sometimes the two get blurred in your discussion.

Graduate / School of visual art - statement of intent for MA of design [2]

You may want to lose the friendly letter of introduction format in this presentation. You are undergoing a written interview, so a formal academic tone of writing is always best. As this is a statement of purpose, you need to forgo the personal statement aspect and focus on the purpose of your application instead. Leave the first 2 paragraphs of this essay for a personal statement (if one is required).

In truth, what you wrote overall, is a personal statement. Not a statement of purpose. There is a no reference to any formal work experience in relation to your chosen masters course. Since you are shifting careers, you should be explaining the purpose of the career shift, how your current experiences support this shift, and why it is academically and professionally important for you to make this career shift at this point. There is a lack of actual purpose in your presentation because it does not reflect the requirements of a statement of purpose. You don't only need to lower the word count for this essay, you need to write a totally new essay. One that presents an actual series of defining purpose for the course, how you have prepared for it, and where it will take you career-wise in the future.

You can use this essay as a personal statement and nothing more. Do not try to use it as a statement of purpose because, like I said before, there is no purpose indicated in a manner that suits the information requirements of such a written interview.

Writing Feedback / Outdoor activities bring benefits to children's development rather than computers [2]

Pay attention to your word capitalization while writing. The first letter of the first word in every sentence is always capitalized. Your continued violation of this basic English writing rule will result in severe GRA points deductions for you. This error shows that you do not even care for the English writing rules, which means you are not capable of writing in an academic manner as required by UK, Canadian, and Australian universities.

Be clear about your prompt topic restatements. Never exaggerate. Always stay within rational discussion references. These are never debates or arguments. These are discussions, differing opinions, and opposing thoughts. The original prompt is simply asking you to agree or disagree with the statement. There is no need for a comparative discussion when it is not indicated in the original instructions. Just give your opinion directly and the 2 supporting reasons you will be using in the discussion. Do not deviate from the original discussion. That could result in the automatic failure of your essay. Why will the essay automatically fail? There are 2 points to consider.

The first failure point will be that you offered an opinion as required, but then used a comparative discussion. In which case, only the paragraph that relates to your opinion will be scored. Since the word count will be less than 250 words, as the other discussion point will not be considered a part of the writing, you will receive points deductions for the irrelevant discussion paragraph. Why? Your word count will come in under 250 words.

The second failure point, is that you will have proven to not have discussed the essay in the required format. In this case, it is a single point of view discussion, requiring 2 supporting reason paragraphs. You offered a comparative discussion with a personal opinion. A clear prompt deviation. You have not used the required format for the discussion. That shows how you lack English comprehension abilities. Hence, the failing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - air travel should restricted because cause serious pollution [2]

Okay, the original prompt clearly asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". Your response does not give an extent of your disagreement. Simply having a tendency (tend to) does not reflect the required measured response. The proper response could have been; "I tend to strongly disagree with this statement because (state 2 topic reasons)... The degree of your opposition must be outlined in the paraphrase section because that will help you stay on track within the actual reasoning paragraphs. You will avoid prompt deviations that way.

Your first reasoning discussion is not related to the given topic. Focus only on airplane travel as indicated in the prompt. Do not change the topic. That is a prompt deviation which will not be scored by the reviewer. The word count for that paragraph will be deducted from your overall presentation, which normally translates into less than the word count. That brings your essay down to 165 words, which means you will have a severe word count reduction penalty, which means the word count alone could make you fail the actual test.

Add to that the other scoring errors in your presentation and the run on sentence in the conclusion, which does not contain 40 words or at least 3 sentences to summarize the discussion points and you will find that you have not produced and essay that can get a passing score. Never deviate from the prompt topic, never use unrelated discussion topics, never write less than 3 sentences for the summary conclusion.

Actually, if you review the original prompt, you will find that your essay actually failed to discuss the actual topics provided which are:
- air travel should be restricted because it causes serious
pollution
- uses up the world's fuel resources.

Based on the provided discussion points, your essay doesn't really discuss the given points as required. Your discussion is all over the place and does not focus on air travel alone. You also did not discuss why it is believed that airplanes use up the world's fuel sources. So your discussion is more irrelevant to the given topic than relevant. There were 2 topics to be discussed but you wrongly focused on only 1 side of the discussion.

Undergraduate / My educational goals, interests in the chosen program and why Waterloo [2]

The response you have given is uninspired, common, and in need of more academic goal focus. You have to speak of how your educational goals align with the requirements of the department you wish to attend at Waterloo. How does your future ambition or desire to invent as a student merge with the co-op system The interest in the program should be reflected by the academic goals and your desire to be inventive, curious about all things mechanical, electronic, and data driven, along with a personal desire to grow as an individual within the Waterloo community. Clarify your academic goals because right now, you are not presenting any to the reviewer. Deliver an explanation of your personal choice for the course and university as the opportunities are presented within the community and curriculum. Since this is a word limited statement, you need to focus only on the academic / educational goals and how these goals will best be served by the Waterloo experience.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Essay about Agriculture and hunger [3]

Do not ask students to score your essay. Their accounts will automatically be suspended due to forum rules violations. If you have such specific review instructions, you should avail of our premium private services or, make this thread URGENT for a more comprehensive review. The free review only covers general comments and observations.

You are not offering a correct paraphrase of the original prompt. You have totally changed the information provided in the original prompt. Therefore, you will lose points. You need to properly paraphrase the original presentation using only the provided information. Do not add, remove, or offer information not included in the original prompt. This will result in a low TA score for you. When that happens, you might find it difficult to pass the test because of a low starting score.

Do not use contractions in your presentations. Always spell out the whole word because you are writing in formal English. You cannot say "don't", you have to say "do not" in order to reflect the required academic and professional tone of the essay.

Your reasoning for hunger is incorrect. Your presentation topic, farming fertilizers does not relate to hunger directly. You could mention the cost of food, the lack of groceries in a particular location, or the high cost of food. Farming fertilizers are a totally different, unrelated topic. As you can see, your essay deviated from the topic when you discussed fertilizers, you focused on soil quality rather than hunger. So the prompt deviation will make this essay fail the test. If you do not discuss the required topic, then you cannot be scored based on the topic discussion indicated.

Do not use English phrases / idioms that will show your lack of English knowledge (e.g. every cloud has a silver lining, Cutting the chase). Do not try to show off when you are not at the level of a native English speaker yet. That will be unwise because errors in the LR and GRA section will greatly affect your final score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 the information about science, or any other important research should be shared freely [2]

Your approach to this discussion does not follow the required format. Therefore, your TA score will be failing. You are not using the 5 paragraph format for this discussion based on:

Par. 1: Paraphrase + discussion instructions
Par. 2: First public point of view (using third person pronouns) with an explanation of the public point of view
Par. 3: Second public point of view (with third person pronouns) including an explanation of the public point of view
Par. 4: Your personal opinion (using first person pronouns) + explanation (make sure to support one of the two public opinions)
Par. 5: Summary conclusion

You have shown me that you are totally unfamiliar with the discussion formats for the Task 2 essay. This means that you have no idea how to write the essays. You will get failing scores each time you do not format the essay according to the required discussion instructions. Before you continue to write other Task 2 essays, you have to familiarize yourself with the various writing patterns first. It would be in your best interest to review the other discussion samples here so you can learn how to approach the various discussion topics based on the errors and corrections of the work of previous test takers. As of now, I am nowhere near confident that you will be able to pass the IELTS test.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 - Table - Average rainfall in two cities [2]

You have not changed enough of the keywords from the original discussion instructions for your presentation to not be considered a cut and paste or memorized presentation. You need to learn about word equivalents that you can use for the image reference (chart instead of table). You also forgot to mention that the measurement was done for cities. You cannot just present the location, you have to explain what sort of information that represents as well.

The summary overview also lacks a reference to the given measurement type prior to presenting it in the actual report or trending statement. The measurement should be given its own presentation spot in the summary overview to create a full summary of the detailed information presented.

There were certain parts of the report where the given data is the same for both cities yet you failed to present those as points of similarity in the essay. Where information is the same or overlaps, those need to be presented as unique discussion points. You should have presented that both cities had the same amount of rainfall in February as represented by 4 inches of rain, a common point for the two cities that often diverge in rainfall information. The lack of that presentation implies that you did not really analyze the image. Which is why you failed to present the most obvious similar point in the chart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 | Formal writing of comparing and reporting features [2]

As you are presenting a data report to the reader, you must never offer a personal opinion in the presentation. Yes, the information refers to unhealthy nutrients consumed. However, there is no information in the original image to refer to such claims in your presentation. That means you are altering the original chart information, which will lower your TA score due to prompt deviations or possible misunderstanding of the images provided. Always stick to the basics as profiled in the image. Do not add to it, do not change it. Just present it as it is but in your own words because that is all that matters in this presentation. Your TA score will suffer greatly in this case. Never do that again. Present the trending statement as a part of the summary overview as that is the best place to present it. Never create a single sentence presentation in the essay. That will be considered a run-on and lower your GRA score. Rather, aim to write a combination paragraph covering 3 sentences, or a 3 sentence trending statement. It is easier to do the former.

Scholarship / [GKS-G/KGSP-G] Biological Sciences Personal Statement - Motivations, education, work, study reasons [2]

For starters, if the focus of your college major will be Biological Studies, then you should be focusing your motivation to study in Korea on that interest. While it is nice that you have knowledge of the technological companies that help in developing scientific technology, the focus of your study will be on scientific / medical developments. So you should be focusing on the advancements made by the KRIBB instead. That is the main focus of masters course and as such, should be the reason for your desire to study there. Revise the paragraph. Make the technology work hand in hand with the scientific research. That is how you should be framing your motivational aspect.

Do not use a primary school reference for this essay. You are aspiring to gain entry into a masters course. Therefore, your story should be about your work experience in relation to the chosen course. Primary school goes too far back and isn't really applicable in a graduate school personal statement. Rather, use your professional exposure to reveal your academic and professional interest in this major.

This is not a college personal statement. So remove the unnecessary references in the essay. You should remove the part about your extra curricular activities that do not relate to an acumen for research. A teacher is different from a researcher, the latter being the position you will have as a graduate student. That reference to the student council days does not show an ability to research or a passion for research. It does not respond to any required discussion point in the essay.

The symposium you attended would be helpful in showing your aptitude and passion for research so you should expand on that discussion as best as you can. That is the only part of that paragraph that truly relates to the prompt requirement. You should also consider better presenting the paragraph about the internship you did for 2 months. That experience clearly shows you have the relevant research background and topic exposure that can help you succeed as a masters study candidate in this course.

The last part, remove the reference to IELTS. It would be more beneficial to you if you focus on the study of Hangul instead as part of the prep work. That will show that you are trying to gain relevant language skills prior to attending classes in Korea. It is sad that you decided to not take the TOPIK test at this point. While your IELTS score is impressive, an impressive TOPIK test score would have catapulted you to the front of the pack, along with other students who have successfully taken the TOPIK test. The successful TOPIK passers get priority consideration at all times as you have already shown language proficiency in Hangul, which is a priority for the reviewer and admissions committee.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2 Children who are brought up in poor families are better prepared for life [2]

You have not done a very good job on this essay. Mostly because you failed to properly respond to the prompt discussion instruction which is; "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" Prior to providing your reasons, you need to give your measured response first. So you cannot just personally believe in the statement, you need to provide the discussion requirements which are: measured response + reasons.

Now, you have also over written in this essay. The expectation is a simple essay of 275-290 words. You have provided 344 words. While I admire your typing speed, I do not admire the errors you made in the essay because of your desire to impress the reviewer solely by your knowledge of English words. That is the worst thing you can do in this essay. You will score better with a short, but clearly explained essay.

Your presentation is too full of word fillers. Every other sentence is a filler phrase or sentence that does not really help clearly explain your essay opinion to the examiner. You also tend to use conjunctions like "and" to start sentences when you know that cannot be done because it is used to connect thoughts in a sentence. You also have several misused punctuation marks such as semi-colons in the essay. You make the error of capitalizing words that are not nouns like "university", all of which will combine to lower your GRA score.

So between the improperly formatted discussion presentation, the errors in writing and grammar, and the lack of formality in your writing (due to contractions), the length of your essay is not going to assure you of getting a passing score in this case. The length did not help you score better, it only allowed you to make more mistakes. Which is why you should write a short but clear essay, to avoid the possibility of making more mistakes, which could lead to a non-passing score on your part.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Line chart - The number of tourist visiting a particular island [3]

Again, it is better if you stop asking users to score your essay because when they do, the account of the person who scored your essay will be automatically suspended. You must sign up for our premium service or make the thread URGENT to get a professional scoring review from me, as a contributor. The general review of this task 1 essay follows below.

The summary overview you have presented is incomplete. All of the sentences need to have 3 - 5 sentences in every paragraph. The summary overview must always present the basis information for your data. These data basis points include:

- The title of the image (restated in your own words)
- Inclusive dates of the survey (2010 -2017)
- The source of information (cruise ships and visitors staying on the island)
- The measurement type (millions of visitors)
- Single graph trend (that you choose to present) , no more than one.

215 words within 20 minutes? It may not be a realistic word count during the actual test. The safest word count number is 150-190 words. Most specially since you are prone to creating errors which you do not correct, because you refuse to review and revise the content of your paper. I say refuse because this essay is the second evidence of your lack of care for the quality of your paper. The quality of which will be seen by the lack of or least number of errors in your presentation.

The examiner knows how to recognize and reward exam takers who take care in the writing of their paper. Care and quality of writing is something you will have to learn over time. The length of your writing is less important than the accuracy of your writing in terms of pertinent information presentation, proper sentence and paragraph formatting, accuracy of word usage, among other scoring considerations.

This essay shows several marked errors in spelling, grammar, and cohesiveness . These errors will lower your score in specific scoring areas, which you well know. There is no such thing as a small or irrelevant error. You will receive the appropriate scoring deductions for every error you make. Hence the importance of proofreading and error correction over word count.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Will online newspapers / books replace printed ones? [3]

You will only receive a general review of your work. Scoring is a premium service that is provided to students who avail of our private review services or, those who make their posts URGENT. Any student who dares to score your work, will find his account suspended for violating forum rules as clearly indicated in the text box.

You have written just the right length of an essay, but failed to edit your work for errors. When you have extra time after completing the draft, always go back to check for errors you can correct. That way, you lessen the errors and increase your chance at a higher final score. In this case, there are spelling, C&C, and grammar errors in the presentation.

This is also a single opinion, not a comparative essay. The opening paraphrase does have a good 2 sentences in it. However, the strength of your opinion does not have an opinion to help support it in the first paragraph. The inclusion of the 2 discussion topics to support your opinion will help clarify the flow of your defense topics to the examiner. So the proper format would have been:

I strongly agree with this opinion based on the reasons that (1) and (2).

After which you can use an expanded version of the topics as the topic sentences to anchor every reasoning paragraph on. Remember, you are scored on the clarity of your opinion. The clarity is based on how well you can use reasoning and deduction in your paragraphs. Which is why this is never written as a comparison essay.

The concluding paragraph needs to be summarized in 40 words or 2 -5 sentences. 3 sentences being the ideal because you will be able to properly restate the topic, your opinion, and the reasons you provided in the preceding discussion. Thus further strengthening your final opinion and giving you the opportunity to strengthen your closing presentation.

Undergraduate / The letter to explain why I want to study in Australia and how this would fit my goals and career [2]

This is more of a personal statement that describes your interest in the course rather than a plan for your studies in Australia. There are more irrelevant than relevant paragraphs in this essay. I would have to say that, as a professional reviewer, I would ask you to retain only paragraphs 2,3 (with adjustments), 5,

In reference to paragraph 3, only the opening sentence can be used. The rest of the paragraph should reflect more of your background relating to self-study in animation, seminars attended, online courses completed, awards, recognition, or anything else that will show that you actually have a strong foundation for these studies. You have to make the justification paragraph because you previously indicated that your academic strength lies in a different subject. Therefore, your extra curricular participation will be your fall-back in terms of referencing your preparations for the course that will help enhance your next steps in the study plan.

When you refer to why you chose Australia, you need to include a reference to the breakthroughs in animation that came out of that country, or university. The study plan should be less about the stunning landscapes, cities, number of international students, and more about the strength of the Australian educational system in relation to animation studies. Then explain the weakness of Vietnam in terms of the same subject. This will help strengthen your study reasons / plans for Australia as your main education source for the major. Relate the specific weaknesses to the focus of your study.

Don't just be fascinated by the curriculum, you need to highlight the reasons why Swinburne University outranks the other Australian universities you had to choose from. Show a familiarity with the animation course by referencing classes and training program you feel can help you excel as a student and as a future animator. The study plan needs to be about academics and less about sounding like a tourist in Australia.

Writing Feedback / Changes in the family structure and family roles. Are they positive or negative? [3]

Your prompt restatement is incomplete. You indicated the topic sentence, but not the reasons for the discussion. The reason for the discussion is because of the changing family roles. You forgot to note that in your presentation, creating an incomplete restatement of the original prompt. However, you did a good job in representing your opinion as required by the essay.

There is no "upward" trend in this discussion. This is not a task 1 essay. You should make sure to use the correct reference word in the essay because your errors in word usage and vocabulary reference will result in LR deductions with every error made. It would have been better if you had said "The modern trend" instead. At least that refers to a general reference and time frame. You also said "In addiction", when you meant to say "In addition". Addiction means "the state of being compulsively committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming". While "addition" means to include something. Do you see now why word usage and vocabulary is very important? One single error in word usage changes the meaning of your sentence or, makes it difficult to understand.

Your conclusion is less than 40 words. It is incomplete in terms of summarizing the previous discussion. Always restate the topic, the reasons, and your opinion (if required) in this section so that you can get a good score for your reverse paraphrase.

Writing Feedback / The Internet is known as one of the greatest inventions as it is truly advantageous to human beings [7]

If you would still allow me to insert my review of your essay since you seem to have settled on unofficial review of a fellow student, I would like to present my opinion of your work. Of course you may choose to ignore my opinion since you already hold the review of a fellow, untrained student in high regard. You may take my advice or not. The choice is yours.

It appears that you did not discuss the essay based on a proper restatement of the original prompt. I believe the original prompt was:

Some people say that the internet provides... Which view do you agree with?

So the original discussion is focused on the great amount of information the internet provides in comparison to the problems that the access to that information creates. Which view did you really agree with? That of the internet offering tremendous amounts of information or, that the access to this information is a bad thing? It was not about the disadvantages of the internet and the benefits it actually offers. I believe that you have discussed the wrong prompt and actually, given a wrong prompt restatement as well. That is because the original prompt, and other prompts similar to it, based on the same topic, all follow the same discussion instruction and format, which you totally altered in terms of content and approach in your presentation. This could result in a lower than expected TA score for you, which would be a disadvantage to your essay presentation.

Never use ellipses in a formal, academic essay. It is not good to leave the reader wondering about what you have to say. That punctuation mark is only useful in creative writing essays. Using the bracket is acceptable in the essay, but do not use it more than once. Repeating the use of brackets will limit your GRA score. Use several sentence structures and presentation variations throughout to increase your scoring potential. Make sure you use the different presentation formats properly though, avoid repetitions so that your GRA score will not be negatively affected in the end.

Scholarship / Creativity, hard work and commitment - NTU essay for Scholarship - about values and beliefs [2]

Creativity is not a value of belief system. You should remove that from this essay. You should stick to only properly referenced values and beliefs. For example, honesty, integrity, strength of character, are all examples of values that you should strongly hold on to. Beliefs include a person's word of honor, truthfulness, trustworthiness are beliefs that you can use for the response statement.

In your essay, you can work on using commitment and hard work to refer to a value and belief that you hold on to. Creativity does not factor into the discussion. You are trying to tie in a representation of creativity as a belief or value, which it isn't. Creativity is a talent. You are not being asked to discuss your talent so it should be removed. You are trying very hard to sell creativity as the main point in this essay, which makes your presentation response incorrect.

Scholarship / Chevening essay about International Project Management [3]

The Chevening Scholarship asks the students to write a Leadership and Influencing essay. It does not ask the student to write a management and networking essay. Which is what you produced in this essay. As such, you have not provided the appropriate information for the essay and may find it difficult to progress to the next line of considerations. You define leadership as you see it on a personal note, which is good but not really required. The reviewer looks more at how you embody leadership and influencing traits within the workplace, through proper work representation, rather than the personal or textbook definition of leadership and influencing.

Always remember, being a good manager does not translate into being a good leader. Networking cannot be translated into influencing. These are the reasons why the Chevening requires specific essay presentations based on their required prompts. Failure to comply with the content requirement will definitely mean a weak or irrelevant essay and the possibility of not making it to the next round of considerations.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] The table below gives information about student enrolments at Manchester University.. [3]

In the task 1 essay, focus on delivering the information directly to the reader. You have to remember, word fillers are not transition sentences. Transition sentences come at the end of the paragraph, as an introduction to the next topic:

... 55 percent of the proportion. This proportion was divided into representations of the student home countries as well.

Compare the students who came from overseas, from those who came from the UK. The chart indicated that...

It is important to prove that you know how to create coherent and cohesive paragraphs, meaning paragraphs that continue to show a clear discussion relationship, from one paragraph to the next. This is because your C&C score heavily depends on your ability to properly connect and transition from one data paragraph or reasoning paragraph to the next. Such a skill will also help you better reflect the TA requirements of the presentation.

That said, you still good a good enough job with this presentation. Can it be better? Yes. Will this essay work to get you a passing score? Perhaps. You still have a coherence and cohesiveness problem in the overall presentation. Fix that problem and you will be able to get a more than average passing score.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: The growing amounts of sugar-based drink consumption. Reasons and Solutions? [4]

You will definitely fail in the TA section because of the inaccuracy of your paraphrase and your use of improper information in the restatement. These have led to a totally different reference point for your essay from the original. A prompt deviation that can cost you severely in terms of starting off with a high score in the TA section, which represent a majority of your final score.

There is no reference to a time frame (recent decades) in the original prompt. The reference is also to people, not countries. There is no indication either from the original prompt in relation to "negative effects". The original discussion was merely about how people tend to drink more sugar based drinks these days. There was no indicator of "negative effects", therefore, you are changing the original discussion and will be penalized accordingly. All of the changes that you made in the original presentation will mean your essay will be beginning with a non passing score.

The reasoning paragraph is using one too many reasons. The second reason is not as well developed as your first line of reasoning. This creates an under developed reasoning paragraph. So your score for that paragraph will reflect an problematic explanation due to under developed reasoning and justification presentations in the paragraph.

By focusing on the Malaysian government, you are again deviating from the original presentation. There was no particular government focus on the solutions discussion question. Therefore, you should not be referring to any particular country or government. A general reference should have been used for that discussion portion. The use of a specific country in the presentation hinders the proper formatting of the paragraph. The improper presentation will also pull down the score for that paragraph.

Writing Feedback / It is argued that knowledge should be spread publicly amongst the academic world [7]

For the opening paraphrase, it is always best to present this in 3-5 sentences. That way you accomplish several things. Using 2 sentences to present each public point of view shows that you have a total understanding of the division of discussion points. You will also be able to more properly explain the upcoming discussion points and refer to the need for you to present your personal opinion in the presentation. These will all combine to help you get a better TA score due to clear topic presentations, sentence formation, and opinion presentation.

What I did not notice is that you wrote 257 words in this essay, which is only 7 words over the minimum requirement. That means you had enough time to proof read and perfect your work if you chose to do so. However, you chose not to review, edit, and perfect your presentation. That is why you left the essay with severe spelling problems, grammar issues, and clarity problems in your discussion. The severe nature of these errors, plus the wrong concluding presentation (it should be at least 2 sentences made up of 40 words) means that your essay cannot achieve a passing band score.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Students should choose a university major that prepares them for high-paying careers. [2]

There is a key phrase missing in your introduction paragraph. Since you are being asked to discuss the essay based on the "extent" of your dis/agreement with the given topic, your measured outline response should have been framed as follows:

I strongly disagree with this statement to the extent that money should not...

Your reasoning is correct. It is the format of your response that is partially incorrect. What you consider "connecting phrases" in this essay are nothing more than word fillers. The transition sentences, are actually used at the end of the paragraphs to help introduce the next topic. For example:

... the wrong reasons. This leads to a scarcity of students in majors that do not offer a sure job prospect in the future, which leads to our next discussion topic.

Then start the new paragraph with the topic sentence that relates to the previous discussion of scarcity of students in certain majors. If you can avoid using the redundant and empty sentences, which only serve to add length, but not substance to the essay, then you should score better.

Graduate / Personal Statement Mechanical Engineering Msc United States [6]

I am not sure what you are trying to do here. Are you writing a motivational essay? A tentative thesis proposal? A statement of purpose? Which of the 3 are you actually trying to write? Each of those essays have specific and definite formats you have to follow. At this point, I cannot really figure out which way or what this essay is trying to go. you say that this is a thesis essay for a masters degree. So you are presenting a tentative thesis proposal? Then you called it an introduction essay. So, it's a personal statement? The content of the essay is mostly related to a statement of purpose. The title you chose is "Personal Statement", so that directs the essay in another way as well. Unless you can clarify what you are actually trying to write, either by giving me the writing prompt or, you clarifying which of these essays you are really trying to develop, I cannot help you improve this presentation.

Writing Feedback / People are often find it difficult to adapt to new situations in their lives. Why do you think this [2]

The opening paraphrase is a bit confusing. You should try to provide more clarity regarding the topic, what you are being asked to write about, and what your discussion topics will actually be within the discussion paragraphs. Rather than counting 2 causes in one paragraph, use one cause per paragraph. That way you can fully discuss each topic and also, show your ability to use transition sentences that can help move your causes discussion from one reason to the next connected reason in a new paragraph. Using a transition sentence between paragraphs or within paragraphs will help you get a better C&C and GRA score.

You are very fond of using filler sentences, which do not really help move the discussion forward. A more straightforward topic sentence at the start of each paragraph will help you gain a better score. Though the word fillers helped to lengthen the presentation, the fact that it did not really fall under any of the scoring considerations means that the reviewer cannot give you a higher score for the filled in sections.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1 - nutrients in breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks - Chart comparison [4]

There is an error in your identification of the image and information contained. If you review the image, it is not 3 circular images, you were given pie charts. The information within the charts refer to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, but the main identification title for the charts are Sodium, Saturated Fat, and Added Sugar. It is the latter identification that you should have presented in the summary overview, along with the pie chart divisions.

Good job in using the 3 paragraph format. However, the writing in the second paragraph is uneven. You have to present 3-5 sentences in each paragraph. Always balance your presentation. Prove an analysis of the image, not just a simple and direct reporting of information. While you need to directly report the information, you are still expected to somehow analyze the information throughout the paragraphs.

Good work overall though. It is a good start for you. I hope to review more of your Task 1 reports in the future. I am eager to guide your improvement.

Scholarship / Languages and business related subjects - GKS GRADUATE SCHOLARSHIP. PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]

I am confused by your presentation. Are you applying for an MA in a Language OR Business course? You can only apply for one of the two courses. I do not believe that there are masters courses that combine the MA for the given courses as those are 2 unrelated fields of study. You have more of a background in languages based on the information presented here. I strongly suggest that you revise the essay to focus on the language courses instead. It makes more sense when considering the overall presentation. The business interest is not as strong, not well supported by your academic, professional, and life experiences, and does not really indicate a future career path for yourself. There is nothing to indicate a strong background in research or studies for business. I believe the essay will be better serves if you remove the business presentation and strengthen the languages discussion instead.