Essays / Confused on list of sources and what order to put them in [4]


Google is the best friend. Everything you can find there. Also, If you think that you need some feedback, you post your writing as a preliminary draft here. Or, if you don't want to post it, use this site (EF) to look at other peoples' essays for ideas.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master's in Urban Planning. Experience at SPA-Bhopal [3]


This statement actually speaks to general, not differentiating you from all the other applicants.

Let me give a try:
My passion for the work of planning guidelines and policy motivates me to share that Planning with a new generations of scholars.

Research Papers / Organic foods vs GMO foods! 'What's really going into the body?' [3]

This is just one of the many research projects that highlightsResult shows that the genetic engineering process is not good for animal or human bodies.

Crops that grow GMO have a significant amount of less fungi and also microbes, but [s]making their soil not beneficial for growing, especially for making their soil .

The fourth and final concern is with the unpredictability and unknown of the hazards of GMO come as the fourth and final concern

Scholarship / 'Artificial Intelligence or System Security' - Scholarship in Turkey [5]

I have a background in these subjects from bachelor, (stop here)I've studiedThe subjects are related to mathematics, statistics and probabilities and system security, (stop here) Also, I've also read from some online sources about artificial intelligence and system security.


I think it is good to align this point:contribute to the development of such technologies with your current study situation. Hence, the admissions officer can see your values

Essays / BULLYING IS A CRIME AND HITS HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER [4]


Yes, Google is the best friend. Everything you can find there. Also, If you think that you need some feedback, you post your writing as a preliminary draft here. Or, if you don't want to post it, use this site (EF) to look at other peoples' essays for ideas.

Research Papers / Hunting: Good for the Mind, Body and Spirit and the American Economy [4]

Many out of state hunters utilize a guide service from the area to bag a trophy game animal. This is a good sentence. But, I will divide it into two as to show clarity. Here you go:

To win animal games, some hunters needs to involve major adaptations to environment. This can reached by using a guide service.

Essays / Turkey Scholarship candidate - subject choice [4]


Google is the best friend. Everything you can find there. Also, If you think that you need some feedback, you post your writing as a preliminary draft here. Or, if you don't want to post it, use this site (EF) to look at other peoples' essays for ideas.

Writing Feedback / 'various viewpoints' Extreme sports should be banned or not? [5]

The topic of extreme sports is too broad. Why? sports are considered 'extreme' is debatable. Lead your reader by giving limitation of this idea: a high level of physical exertion.


This paragraph is too weak. This needs in-depth discussion why should "freely release and/or organize them".

Research Papers / Researched response paper about a particular topic for ex. dementia and eating difficulty [5]


Google is the best friend. Everything you can find there. Also, If you think that you need some feedback, you post your writing as a preliminary draft here. Or, if you don't want to post it, use this site (EF) to look at other peoples' essays for ideas.

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Teachers encouraging students to question everything 'for our knowledge, o [9]


Agreed.


A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion.This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 30 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Undergraduate / Application Essay 2, Challenged faces and Avid learning; University Singers [3]


Although there seems to be some doubt as to what were given, I never stopped believing


Some may say: For me, you don't need to discuss people opinion. Say your opinion straightforward.
my strengths and weaknesses: Sharing your own real examples. This is a very approach instead of showing the vague ideas: strengths and weaknesses

Undergraduate / Application Essay 1, Free from Gen Ed requirement [3]

Commitment, confident, initiative, and determination were four qualities that demonstrated leadership. Leadership, defined by the pioneer of Leadership Study Warren Bennis, is the capacity to translate vision into reality, instead of the common misconception that leadership is defined by titles, positions, and powers.

This part is too theoretical. You need to write more practical experience. This is much more better to attract the readers enjoy your essay. Good luck for your application

Undergraduate / UC Davis Appeal Statement; Wild Campus and The Afterglows [6]

I believe that UC Davis can offer me a unique learning experience( What do you mean by the uniqueness? This leaves a vague situation) that is not offered at any other UC campus(I didn't see you discuss more closely this issue. If you do comparison/ contrast, this means that you emphasize the similarities and the differences in this sentence.)

Note: You write good, but some points are weak. You'd better explain more about the real example of college experience regarding your study time.

Undergraduate / Are we preconditioned to prefer certain types of Music? an inquiry essay [5]


WhileI am used to listening toviolent and angry music(a comma)it has now broadened to include calmer/tranquil music.

If you are used to something, you have often done or experienced it, so it's not strange, new or difficult for you. Be used to + noun phrase or verb-ing (in this pattern used is an adjective and to is a preposition).

Writing Feedback / advertising issues; regulate a law prohibiting unacceptable advertising [2]

Agree with the two inputs above. This brings you earn a good score for the exam


A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / Painter, director, writter, photographers - creatives artists, expressing their own ideas. [4]


Say it straightforward. Not all readers, like me, understand what the saying says.




You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays. You will find this under the Tools menu of Microsoft Word. If something in your document is underlined in red or green, be sure to check the spelling and grammar suggestions prior to submission. Also proofread your essay yourself to locate correctly spelled but misused words.

Research Papers / Marijuana: Say Yes to the Plant [3]


Agreed :D
You write very good.
ByA llowing the legalization of the popular plant, therewill be going to raise a drastic change in U.S. crime statistics. It is prohibiting the prohibition of marijuanais onlythatprovingis to be useless and inoperable, just as it has throughout United States in history of United State.

Essays / My process of learning - how to read and write over the years [6]


This is commonly found in oral language.
in third grade where I had lived in Africa I, in third grade where I had lived in Africa, came to learn how to read and write.

I had an ESL class, where they gave me with its picture books withpresenting not many words.
They gave meI used different books each day, with each books(stop here) they were becoming more difficult and challenging each time

Writing Feedback / IELTS; mobile phone impacts on people's lives [6]

Result shows that mobile phones have proved themselves to be one ofwith the greatest contribution to mankind and have gradually becomeformed an integral part of human beings' lives our daily life.


Given this evidence,... or The aforementioned evidence examines that ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Visits abroad by UK residents by purpose of visit [7]


Let me give a try:
Getting to Western Europe as a popular tourist destination, more than a thousand tourists went abroad for other reasons from 1996 to 1997. In 1995, it was 896 visitors. This showed a rise in total numbers.

Writing Feedback / Write a report about education in Australia between 1997 and 2005. [5]

In the first table, it is showed that in 1997, the overall numbers in students in 1997studentswere continuing education studied in Australia approximately 15,4 percent ofstudentsparticipants per lecture. It can be seen that overall, we witnessedAn increase in participantsslightly of students in 1999 showed approximately 16,6 percent per lecture. Next, the greatest increase was observed between a year of 2001, 2003, and 2005 saw a major increase in the number of participants

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why students should have laptop in their learning process? Wikipedia, Google, Bing [5]

A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / Enterprises should never put all eggs in one basket - Money in advertising. [3]

It is always better you include the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title.


Yes, Abdurasul is right. you should include the full prompt with your essay so that other members can provide you with more meaningful comments.

The first thing the reader sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read. Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: In some countries the average weight of people is increasing. [5]


Aha ! I see


I like this. The word combination is very good :D
Other combination: the salient points of the report.


this is OK. But, I prefer using a noun clause: What is more important is that...



each individual + NOUN. E.g each individual leaf on the tree is different | the needs of the individual customer
Or simply write: every person

Anyway, when the exam? :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS-International tourism should respect local cultures; 'Chinese restaurants' [7]



Yes, Dumi shows you a very good approach for the intro.

A note from me:
A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

I think the third paragraph is stronger than the second, you don't seem clear what you want to say in the second paragraph. Remember to read the question as to what they are asking you for, opinion, discussion, analysis.

A closer look at the task:


For me, if you are offered such task, then you are asked to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should explain why.

If you peruse the IELTS band descriptors for "Task Responses" ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf then you'll see this: "addresses the task only partially", which means the question is not fully answered. Hence, you'd better spend lil time to analyze the question, so you could avoid giving a partial answer for the task.


You don't need to use lazy language expressions (eg 'etc', or and so forth') They are are used more in spoken language. Also, this indicates you don't care enough to finish a sentence properly.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: In some countries the average weight of people is increasing. [5]

Your intro:


This is good. However, some points are verbose.


It is always better to start with:
1. I highlight the key points.
2. Then rephrase the question.

Here are they:
average weight = obesity
levels health and fitness is decreasing = lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness
the causes = the main factors
to solve them = to tackle the problems

Here you go:
A general lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness leads health problems. One example is obesity. I would argue life-changing decisions can be the main factors. I too believe the best measures can be taken to tackle the problems

To begin with(I know this is a good phrase for an opening paragraph. However, you may omit it if you think that you want avoid overusing words) , one of the principal reasons of increasing the weight of some people is sedentary lifestyle(should be a plural form. Write sedentary lifestyles) , which is mainly caused by the development of technology. For example, in earlier times, the sources of amusement were not in large numbers and all of them required physical presence( I didn't catch this area. If you could, rewrite it) .

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Contacting nowadays seems to be not a difficulty anymore; technology [9]


Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction.

A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / How should children be taught? [6]


Yes, good advice by Pahan
With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.



When you write firstly, secondly, lastly to mention supporting points , I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: with increasing use of computers, letters writing will disappear [5]



When you write firstly, secondly, lastly to mention supporting points , I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.


We can't give you definitive band scores. If we do, you will put a great deal of trust on us. If we do give you band scores that are not reflected in your eventual IELTS test results, you may well build up unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, disappointment for you. We focus on recommending ways how you can improve your different skills - that is a much more useful way to help you to improve your language ability and therefore, your test results. If you want to take IELTS exam as early as possible, please pay particular attention to grammar and whole points in the table of IELTS writing descriptors.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Scientist are responsible for the negative impacts of their discoveries. [7]


this phrase adds no value. Better omit.

Writing Feedback / Individuals should not be allowed to carry guns - 'used for illegal purposes' [6]

The first thing the reader sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read. Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people should create a sense of co-operation in their children [6]

Notes to remember:
A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Developing the classical five paragraph essay or more will send you to earn a very impressive result, but this should be followed by a succinct explanation, coherent sentences, grammar error-free, colloquial usage, etc. Otherwise, you may get an average score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Life was better when technology was simpler. [5]


I like this paragraph. You have composed a good strategy. Beginning by describing a scenario, you end with a proof that this whole idea is helpful in creating fully understanding. However, this is a very bulky paragraph.


You don't need to use lazy language expressions (eg 'etc', or and so forth') They are are used more in spoken language. Also, this indicates you don't care enough to finish a sentence properly. Better omit.




don't leave a vague word for your readers. Better re-say

Writing Feedback / Toefl- The qualities of a good neighbor - should be sociable and helpful [3]


neighbors strongly influence attitude and behavior of people


Write "I think", instead of according to which is used when saying what people, organizations, and reports have said
A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / We have to bend children in the starting stage otherwise we can not stop them after growing [7]


When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Allocate your time and effort in approximately 4 to 5 hours every day to read as many authentic English texts/ samples of IELTS writings from this site (EF) as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading texts not only gives you some new ideas about different topics, but it also improves your vocab and grammar

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The precentages of library books read at Starmouth School [2]


a problem with Dangling particle. Visit this link: usu.edu/markdamen/writingguide/10dangpt.htm


a problem with Sentence fragments. Visit this link: owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/620/1/


Bad grammar :(


Faulty Pronoun-Antecedent Agreement

A brief note to remember:Your score will immediately drop if you do not have an overview.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should a jury know about previous crime records of a defendant? [6]

It is always better to search your essay at the end for any elementary grammar errors :D

Have a look at this:


they and their indicate Faulty Pronoun-Antecedent Agreement


The article is missing. Person is an uncountable noun


The article is missing. Jury is an uncountable noun


You'd better use As Per (more formal)

Overall, you write well, but you have to pay particular attention to the basic grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Male graduate from Cullum university [9]

Yes, I agree with MisterWandering.
It is always better to reflect on the number of redundant expressions people constantly use. Redundant expressions called pleonasms cannot give the idea across to the reader. In IELTS, you may get penalized :D

Writing Feedback / Some sportsmen earn more money than other professionals; 'specialist of sphere' [10]


Yes, I will discuss the Interpretation of the prompt (Read: Task Response)

Having a look at the prompt again, you can see some key words: "Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair." You have written an essay dealing with this issue. However, you just focus on the justification for these higher salaries, not the fairness of these salaries. These two ideas are totally different. The ideas of non-governmental organizations and advertisement are really quite unrelated to the ideas of the unfairness. Fairness, meaning the quality of being fair, involves a comparison with others to see whether (or not) there is some kind of balance. The prompt are asking you that, "others think this is unfair". Which 'others'? What unfairness? You did not touch on these questions. For the topic of this essay, 'others' are the people in other important professions, such as doctors, lawyers, engineers etc. I see you are well done. However, you fail to take the comparison between educated (brain developed) people and those are highly developed in physical skills.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Are people today live a healthier life than ancient people did or not? [3]

a few comments:
1. Give one specific example per paragraph.
2. When you write





to mention supporting points , I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

3.


Faulty pronoun antecedent agreement