Research Papers / Negative consequences of global warming are being felt in the economy. [2]

The main problem that I see with this essay is that there is no proper discussion outline presented in the introductory paragraph. Your thesis statement is unclear and the relevance of the quoted information is difficult to relate to anything at that point. It is a common rule for a student to merely outline the thesis topic and discussion points in the first paragraph. Leaving the in-text citations for the succeeding paragraphs where its relevance will be more evident.

Though you present several interesting points for consideration, your discussion development is insufficient. I am surmising that this is due to the great number of discussion topics you wish to cover in the essay. Perhaps you can consider limiting the discussion to 2 related topics rather than several which tend to make the essay branch out into more discussion topics instead of focusing on discussion points? Doing so would certainly make the discussion more cohesive and coherent. Right now, you are merely presenting information but not really explaining what the relevance of the information is to global warming. All the paragraphs are under developed / lacking in information development through a properly analyzed discussion topic.

Try to work on a proper outline first. That way you can create more related discussion presentations per paragraph. You could outline it this way if you wish:

I. Thesis statement
II. First topic
IIa. sub topic 1
IIb. Sub topic 2
III. Second topic
IIIa. Sub topic 1
IIIb. Sub topic 2
IV. Conclusion

By first outlining the discussion, you should be able to come up with a better connected discussion paragraph for each topic you provide. That will also help the reader get a better understanding of what your paper is all about.

Writing Feedback / Every country should have a free health service even if this means that the latest medical treatment [10]

The problem with your point of view is that you still did not come to a solid conclusion or decision with regards to the question provided. To what extent do you agree OR disagree? By the end of your discussion, you should be agreeing or disagreeing with the given point of view. You are scored based on your ability to make a decision and defend your opinion based on the extent of your knowledge regarding the topic.

The extent of your knowledge will be scored based on the following discussion portions or reasoning paragraphs (in no particular order):

- Your personal knowledge that will support your given position (extent of agreement or disagreement. Pick one only)
- The commonly known information that you can present which further supports your point of view. (One point of view only that corresponds to the response you gave (extent of dis/agreement)

The essay is testing your ability to use various words that will depict your range of vocabulary based on the given discussion instruction. It also assess your ability to analyze a complicated question. This essay is the most confusing for students to write because they always refuse to take a clear position on the given topic. A clear position is based on a singular point of view. All agree or disagree essays are single point of view presentations. These are 4 paragraph essays that require you to learn how to make a decision and discuss it based on reasons, examples, and opinions (both public and personal) in a cohesive and coherent manner in the essay. Your essay failed to do that.

Scholarship / Court development - Scholarship Essay for Australia Awards on Career contribution [2]

Since this is a future looking essay, you should not be presenting information as to what subjects you are interested in studying and why. You only have 2000 characters with which to complete this presentation so you have to focus on your future career plans only. The question asks you to provide the significance of your study in relation to your career plans. You need not go into detailed, subject by subject declarations. That wastes valuable character count. You should instead, be speaking of how the overall course will improve your career chances. That means, you should explain how you will apply your studies to your line of work, resulting in career advancement or field improvement. That is why you should avoid discussing specific subjects. The discussion here is based on how you will apply the knowledge you will have gained by that point.

So, this can actually be just a single paragraph discussion, no more than 2 at the most if compress the first and second paragraph information into a single paragraph. Ditch the subject references and explanations. For the final paragraph, you can totally remove the reference to: I intend to study subjects on FinTech,...personal privacy at UNSW. The essay will close on a stronger note without those irrelevant discussion points. Either replace that sentence with a career / goal oriented reference, or simply skip it altogether. Compress the last 2 paragraphs as well. There is no need to separate the last sentence. It will help to create a strong concluding note to the paragraph instead.

Writing Feedback / The map below is the town of Garlsdon. A new supermarket (S) is planned for the town. (cam 5 test 1) [2]

Where is the copy of the image? You have to provide a copy of the image if you wish to receive a complete review of your work. I need the image so I can compare the content of what you wrote with the image provided. I also need that to be sure that you followed the discussion instructions. Without it, I can only give you a general, non-specific review of your work.

This is not an opinion essay. It is a reporting essay. You must never provide an opinion in a task 1 essay. This is only a summary of information essay. It is not an academic discussion essay. It would be best for you to avoid doing that moving forward.

You speak only of the location in the report. You do not mention any changes, improvements, or additions to the new site. Since I cannot see the image for myself, I cannot comment on what information you should have provided. I would like to remind you that the assumption of this essay is that the reader does not have a copy of the image to look at. So you should be highly specific and informative about the content of the image within the report. As it is, this report is useless because it does not provide necessary information to the reader beyond a comparative discussion, which is not the focal point of the task 1 essay. The target of this essay is to see how well developed your descriptive skills are in terms of a written report based on a visual source.

By the way, a palace is defined as: the official residence of a king, queen, bishop, or other sovereign or exalted personage; a large and stately mansion or building. You were not implying anything of the sort. Your word usage was incorrect. You mean to refer to a place which is: a particular portion of space. Such errors in word usage and vocabulary will negatively affect your LR score.

The other errors in this presentation are not valid for review because those apply to a task 2 essay, which, as I mentioned earlier, is not the format for this essay type. Just know that based on your generalized presentation, it will be difficult for you to achieve a passing score. Note that I have not even considered the actual image information at this point. You obviously are not familiar with the requirements of writing a task 1 essay which are:

- To summarize the content
- To list the information
- Do a comparative report based on several factors that indicate a given measurement data
- Present a trending measurement or indicator

Writing Feedback / Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. [2]

Your essay is incomplete. You need to post the complete prompt and the full 250 word minimum essay discussion to receive a review from anybody, not just a contributor at this forum. Your current work is so incomplete, it is not reviewable. You should post a new essay, this time with the complete prompt and completed discussion so that you can receive a proper review from everyone here.Your current post does not deliver a clear idea regarding the topic, discussion instructions, and writing approach. So I am afraid I cannot help you with advice for this particular essay.

The essay is left on a hanging discussion point. It does not have a clear purpose nor discussion target. I believe you were not able to properly address the original prompt, even without seeing it. I am basing that comment merely on what you have written so far. If I knew more about this discussion, I could explain to you how to better your writing for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: RADIO HAS TREMENDOUS EFFECT IN SHAPING PEOPLE'S IDEAS [2]

Your essay is going to get a failing score because you failed to show that you understood the discussion instruction, provide a proper response to the discussion requirement, and format the essay based upon the implied discussion format. The error in your essay started at the very beginning. In the prompt paraphrase. Let me highlight the errors for you:

OT: Each form of mass media has great influence in shaping people's ideas.
DI: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

YT: ... there is a considerable group of people who question the accuracy and authenticity of reports from radios while others are still inclined to the efficiency of them.

DR: None provided

You totally changed the discussion topic and the discussion instruction. That is never a good thing to do. It shows a lack of English comprehension skills. The proper discussion presentation for this essay could have been:

The citizens of the world have several guiding considerations when it comes to creating their mindset for certain discussion types. These dominant influences mostly come in the form of electronic and broadcast media. I would have to say that I am inclined to heavily support / not support this suggestion based on 2 reasons.

I wholly support / do not support this point of view because of my personal experience regarding the matter. When I was...

Additionally, I throw my strong support towards this idea / I do not strongly support this idea is because ...

I believe that these are the factors that allow media types to heavily influence the mindset of people. First... Second... Hence, I conclude this essay by repeating my total dis/agreement with the discussion topic.

What I showed you is only one of several approaches to this discussion format. Remember, you are being asked to throw your agreement or disagreement with the discussion topic based on a weighted response. Note the weight of my support for each discussion topic in the reasoning paragraphs. You need to show a firm support or non support for the discussion topic by using weighted topic references as I did.

This is never a comparative discussion. You must prove to the examiner that you actually have a solid point of view that you can support in your presentation. You will score highly when you are capable of showing a decision making process in your response and the ability to properly defend your opinion. Remember, you are scored properly once you present an opinion. If you do not present a solid opinion, as you did in your presentation, you will not get a passing TA score and you will tend to fail the whole test in the process.

Read the prompt. Understand the topic. Most of all, consider what the real discussion instruction is and respond to it as required. That is how you will pass this test. Never create your own discussion topic and discussion format / instruction as you did above. That is a definite way to fail this test.

Writing Feedback / TOFEL: Do you learn a new language by traveling to another country or in your own country? [2]

I can sense the effort that you placed into developing your response to the given discussion point. However, your inability to properly form English sentences have prevented you from creating an understandable essay. The message you are trying to deliver is not properly supported. The first line of reasoning does not make sense. The examiner will not understand what you mean by; "In the highly competitive edge , people need to possess various skills to stay competitive edge in the fierce society . " What do you mean by competitive edge? Does this refer to the profession of a person? The life of a person? It shows that you are not capable of forming understandable English sentences.

Your ideas are not clearly represented in your writing so that means you have to work on developing your sentence formation / structuring skills. That is because you do not really know how to properly use English words. I believe that is because you are thinking in Vietnamese and then looking for possible translated words in English. When you do that, you end up making improper word choices which leads you to write improperly developed sentences.

To be clear, you cannot discuss working benefits for knowing language, and then discuss it in terms of learning languages while traveling. If that is the case, then the office worker should be learning the language from his own country because he cannot leave his job for years, which is the amount of time that it will take him to learn the language if he chooses to travel to a country. There is a clear disconnection in your discussion development.

This type of TOEFL writing cannot get you a score higher than 2. You need to improve your English vocabulary and do more sentence structuring exercises. Focus on the sentence development and the vocabulary should follow suit. If you can, enroll in English language classes first. Don't just jump into essay writing. You are capable of doing that yet. You need to have a teacher to help you improve for now.

Writing Feedback / Newly built houses - ESSAY IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

The prompt paraphrase still contains several original words from the original discussion presentation ( in local areas, be free to design their own style of house) . Since these words are still in the original form or, too close to the original, the examiner will still see these words as memorized phrases in the cut and paste form. By not using enough alternative words in your restatement, you will be negatively affecting your GRA score. You may end up with a lower than passing consideration in that section. Try to use more descriptive words that still retain the original meaning in terms of word usage.

While this essay does use a comparative discussion approach, you failed to properly reflect the group reasoning discussion for the 2 public points of view. Those were to be presented based on the original discussion topics in individual paragraphs, prior to your personal statement. Your personal opinion should not be presented in the prompt restatement yet. Only the discussion instruction should be paraphrased in that portion, allowing you to explain what the discussion format / outline will be. So it should look like this:

Par. 2: Public point of view 1. Explain where this point of view comes from and why it is a valid discussion point
Par. 3: Public point of view 2. Again, describe the validity of this point of view
Par. 4: Portray your analysis of both POV's and then offer your opinion and why you believe your opinion properly supports one of the two POV's.

As per the GRA requirements, you should be using the group and first person pronouns at least once in this type of presentation. Using those references will help you increase your GRA score as you show that you are capable of using proper pronouns when required in a discussion. Pronouns are part of a basic English sentence structure and should be reflected somehow in the discussion presentation. When you do not use the pronouns, your essay comes across as a totally personal point of view discussion, which is not the format this essay discussion requires.

The personal ipinion is often appended to the conclusion by most students. That is the incorrect approach. The personal opinion will help give clarity and coherence to your discussion. It is a major scoring consideration. Never use it as a single sentence in the concluding presentation. It must always be a completely developed stand alone discussion presentation before the concluding paragraph.

The concluding paragraph must summarize the preceding discussion. It must never contain a continuing discussion such as a personal opinion because that leaves you with an open ended essay. That means, the essay is not properly formatted as there are 2 rephrasing presentations required, once in the first paragraph, and another in the last paragraph. That is the 5th paragraph for this type of essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Modern lifestyle means that many parents have little time for their children. [4]

Your approach to the essay discussion is not based on the required format. You have made a mistake in understanding the discussion requirements. That is why you made a mistake in your discussion approach to the essay. Please look at the comparison points below to further understand how you made the mistake.

Discussion Question: Do you agree or disagree?
Response: Although some argue that this tendency causes disadvantages to children, there are a large number of benefits that children receive from this trade-off.

As you can see, the discussion instruction asks you to base your response on the "agree or disagree" question. You responded in an advantage v. disadvantage format. You did not respond in the expected format. The examiner will see this error and understand that you did not understand the discussion instructions. That is why you did not properly respond to the question provided and you did not base your response on the suggested approach either.

Again, you used a comparison discussion for a single opinion defense essay. That is why the essay will not get a passing score. You failed to properly understand the discussion requirement (agree or disagree) and discussion format (single opinion reasoning). Luckily, this is your first practice essay and we caught your weakness early on. There is still time to correct your error.

I would advise you to not write another Task 2 essay until you have familiarized yourself with the various discussion formats and approaches that the test requires. Once you are familiar with the proper approaches, then you can try to write another essay. You don't have to go far, just read the Similar Discussions [+] thread above. That will get you started on the familiarization road.

I know that you are capable of writing a large amount of English words. However, if you not responding in the correct manner to the discussion presentation, then that ability will not be able to help you pass the test. Long essays are never an assurance of a passing score. So forget the length, focus on a proper response approach first. As long as you write at least 250 words, you will stand a better chance of passing the test. It is your ability to follow instructions that will be scored, not your ability to type hundreds of words within 40 minutes.

Scholarship / Horns of Ethical Dilemma, Choosing between Friendship or Abiding to the school code of conduct. [3]

Well, save for grammatical and punctuation errors, this is a very enlightening essay. Did you write this for a college application prompt? I seem to recall one of the tertiary institutions using the Code of Ethics among students as an application essay topic. You did really well. While the reviewer may not be familiar with the early part of the text, in relation to the subject and course levels, he will not mind so much because the essence of the story, in relation to academic ethics, is what really matters to him.

The story is well rounded, it shows how a student can abide by a code of conduct, and still help out someone in need. You never compromised your personal morals, even when your ethics came under fire. The reader will see what a good person you are and, how you are resourceful when it comes to getting yourself out of a tight situation. This is an excellent character analysis paper. You clearly showed that you are capable of avoiding academic temptation.

I have to point out though, that your title is wrong. You were not writing a paper for someone else, you were taking a test for someone else. There are also some grammar errors that need to be pointed out.

Word choice mistake - sitting not to (too) far...
A comma is required for clarity - ... difficult decision for me , and
A comma should be used between clauses and contraction usage needs to be avoided in academic writing - ... he said he wasn't (was not) ready , and ... / a mock test for him, and ... / ... he was so happy , and ...

Use a simpler word to make the presentation sound natural : ... he would able to comprehend (understand)...

Spelling error:
examine - examination

These corrections should help the essay become easier for the reviewer to read. Beyond these corrections, you will need formal academic editing services.

Writing Feedback / Natural Resources - Explain a situation, using specific reasons and examples [3]

Actually, you wrote only 249 words. I am not sure how the missing word requirement will affect your score because I am not sure if you are writing a Task 2 essay or a TOEFL essay, or what. Please be clear about what sort of English exercise you are writing next time so that I will be able to slant my review towards your actual educational needs.

You must focus on developing your sentence structuring skills. You have a clear problem with word formation when it comes to your sentences. You need to familiarize yourself with the basic English grammar rules when it comes to writing. Pay specific attention to your singular - plural usage. Additionally, learn how to write words of ownership ( in reference to nouns - Earth's) These are the most evident problems that I spotted in your essay. Additionally, learning to use alternative words for the keywords in the prompt would also help you to score better. It shows a wider language vocabulary on your part. This will also help you with better sentence formatting.

Now, for the other problems. When referencing a series of connected words or phrases, always use a comma to help clarify the presentation ( Roots of trees, bushes, and grass). You should not always use adverbs in a sentence (very dangerous should be extremely dangerous) as the wrong use of adverbs tends to affect the clarity of the sentence presentation.

Your thought process is clear. Your presentations are somewhat clear, there are certain instances when your word formation does affect the clarity of the presentation but not to the point of it becoming non-understandable. Focus more on your sentence formation and word usage. Do some non-essay exercises to help you improve in that section. You can download apps for that. It is normally free to download and use.

Writing Feedback / Genetic engineering is an important issue in society today. What is it's impact on the people? [2]

Your approach to the discussion is totally wrong. You need to accomplish the following first:

1. Give a proper prompt restatement + discussion instructions:
Ex. With the advent of genetic engineering, a discussion regarding its pros and cons has become evident. Some people believe that the rise of this science will allow for additional benefits to the way man exists. While some fear that such engineering feats could place the existence of man in peril. It is important that these arguments be given consideration. On my part, I wish to consider both sides of the discussion so that I can develop a personal point of view based on an understanding of the discussion points.

2. Properly use the group pronouns in reference to a third person / group pronoun discussion format:
Ex. Food scientists and people who support genetic engineering do so based on one reason, it is beneficial to man's way of life. They believe that....

* This must be done twice. Once for each public point of view

3. Properly develop a first person discussion paragraph in support of one of the two points of view.
Ex. These considerations have led me to believe that ...

4. Develop a proper concluding summary / restatement. This is completed by restating the topic for discussion, the two reasons, and your personal opinion. All in individual sentences.

The discussion points you present are alright but a faulty due to your unfamiliarity with the discussion format. You should also avoid using any words that could connote indecisiveness on your part (perhaps). Basically, you just need to develop a better presentation format based on the prompt format.

Writing Feedback / Do you think being a celebrity is beneficial or troublesome? [2]

Okay, there are two discussion points offered int he original prompt. One for celebrities and one for athletes. So that means your first and second reasoning paragraphs need to focus on each topic individually. That means, in every paragraph. So in the second paragraph, you should not be starting with another celebrity topic sentence. Instead, you should be starting with a reference to the athletes instead. That way, you cover both topics. What you should learn to do, is use a transition sentence at the end of the first reasoning paragraph going into the second paragraph. That way, there is a clear transition from one discussion to another. It will also help tie in the paragraphs in terms of coverage. For instance, after the reference to the photos of celebrities being published, you could have added another 2 sentences to end that paragraph with:

It is not only celebrities who have their private lives invaded by their being a celebrity. Athletes also have celebrity problems on a different scale.

The the second topic sentence could have had the following starter sentence:

Similarly sportsmen are admired as long as they are performing on the pitch.

Do you see how the cohesiveness of the paragraphs would have been better served by using a transition sentence situation at the end of the first reasoning paragraph? Creating that connected sense of conversation makes the discussion feel natural. It tells the examiner that you have truly understood the discussion requirements and you know how to approach the discussion in a manner that makes it clear to the reader.

Don't get me wrong, you properly approached the essay discussion. You developed the format properly. It is just the coherence that was a major problem when I began to analyze the work that you did. There are also some other errors in your essay that should be addressed, mostly in the GRA section. You also did excellent work in using the first and second person pronouns in the essay. You used it just enough times to make it matter towards your GRA score.

You accidentally used a double full stop (period) at the end of your final paragraph. You should be proofreading your work before submission. Only one punctuation mark is required at the end of the paragraph.

You should try to use some more impressive vocabulary in your essay. Phrases, words, and sentences that would should an advanced vocabulary ability such as:

poor performance - inferior performance
very short lived - truly short lived

Do not use memorized phrases such as "In conclusion". Try to be more creative in closing your essay. You could say something like; "The preceding reasons should be more than enough evidence that being a celebrity has more drawbacks than benefits.." By the way, you need to have a more proper recap at the end. Always cover the following points:

- Original topic restatement
- Personal opinion
- Reasons provided
- Closing sentence

Writing Feedback / The West Park Secondary School after the first construction in 1950 and development in 2010 [3]

I need the image uploaded to serve as a reference when reviewing the content of your report. I cannot offer a comprehensive review when you do not include the image. Please remember to upload the image next time. Students are not allowed to upload the image for the OP. Here goes my grammar review for your work instead.

Kindly be mindful of your spelling. Your LR score depends upon it. You misspelled playground as playround. You should also do a review of your singular - plural rules. There is an error in relation to that grammar instruction in the following:

The sports field was even reduced... - ... field were even...
The previous farmland... - The earlier farmland...

I cannot double check your essay for information accuracy since the image is not included. Kindly remember to include it next time so that I will have a better idea of the discussion instructions and have a comparative point for your information presentation. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / The diagram demonstrates some proposed changes of the centre of a small town which named Islip [3]

You have to remember that the task 1 reporting essay requires you to present the information over a total of 3 complete paragraphs. You only presented 2 paragraphs here so you should have done a better job at reviewing the drawing. By the way, this is not a diagram, this is an illustrative drawing. If you prefer to call it an illustrative diagram then that is also acceptable. Specific image information is required as there are several image types used in this task.

This following sentence is unclear: Overall, several infrastructures will be constructed with the covering by round road. Perhaps you meant to say: The changes to the building locations and road traffic will be changed. All the changes followed a circular format. Your previous sentence was unclear. My presentation had more clarity to the explanation.

Grammar correction:
run through- runs through
route for pedestrians - pedestrian route

You need to be more descriptive in your presentation. Explain what areas were changed, what sections were removed or moved in one paragraph. In the next paragraph, explain what replaced the sections that were removed and what new changes can be seen in the image. Your report suffers from a lack of clarity in the presentation more than anything else. It will easily be resolved by your being more analytical and explicit in your explanations next time.

Writing Feedback / "The death penalty is the best means of combating serious crimes." [3]

Since you did not specify if this essay is for the Task 2 essay or for your school research, I will assume that this is just an English exercise on your part and review it in the most applicable way possible.

You have writing errors at every step of the way here. You should have paid more attention to your writing presentation and less on the word count. Even though you wrote 606 words, that will not erase the great number of writing errors you made which if you were taking a task 2 test, would result in the failure of your essay score. If you were writing this for a school presentation, your teacher would definitely have you rewrite the whole paper. This only works as an English exercise paper because this type of writing will help you spot your mistakes and areas for improvement.

Familiarize yourself with the difference between the American and UK English spelling guidelines. The same words have different spelling such as in this case, behavior is the American spelling, and behaviour is the UK spelling. You also misused a helping verb in the following presentation:

They do not know what is humanity - They do not know what humanity is.

Do not aim to over complicate your sentence presentations in the hopes of getting a better score or sounding more academic. Simplicity is always best:

... an appropriate punishment for any criminal... - ... is a suitable punishment
... while maintaining it... - while keeping it...
are still retaining - are still keeping...
... so not many death... = ... so few death...

Comma usage:
... and humanity so - and humanity , so ...
... but, many - no comma required

Do not words that will indicate you do not have a strong belief in your opinion:
... maybe come from
... In my opinion, whoever

Clarity:
...crimes given to the majority of offenders... - given to most offenders
... when you commit a crime you have to... - ... you must...
... you absolutely have to = you must
... 55 countries are still keeping ... - are keeping
... almost of ... - almost all of the world
... but many in reality... - but, many

Avoid contractions in formal writing:
can't = cannot

Avoid using overused expressions as these come across as memorized phrases and words:
more and more = increasingly
special circumstances = extra ordinary circumstances (specific adjective usage for clarity)

These corrections should help you get started. I would have preferred to have read the prompt for this work, or at least have an idea of the writing instructions so that I could have given more pointed advice. This will have to suffice for now.

Letters / A letter for a penfriend in Australia to tell her about my last journey. [3]

YOu misunderstood. Mary is not in Australia, she just got back from Australia. She is living in Vietnam again. So she is not living too far from you anymore but she preferred to write to you instead. Saying that the last time you contacted her was 2 years ago doesn't make sense. From the sound of the letter, she seems to be in constant touch with you. So perhaps indicating that you last received a postcard (not a poster) from here 2 weeks ago while she was still in Australia would have been a better time reference.

Your response letter should have been composed of 3 paragraphs. One complete paragraph per question. So the format would have been:

Par. 2: Where did you go?
Par. 3: How did you travel?
Par. 4: What was the journey like?

You should be detailed in your response. A clearer representation of the information, on a friendly tone would have better been accomplished on an individual paragraph basis. Your response paragraph was difficult to follow because it was too compressed in information presentation. It barely responded to the prompt requirements. Were you afraid to develop a longer more formatted response? Don't be afraid to do that. You have to deliver a properly formatted letter every time. It has to be informative and also, highlight your English writing skills. You cannot do that when you present compressed paragraph information. Instead of showing your skills in the long format, the short format will highlight your writing errors instead.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Fixed or Flexible punishments for crimes. [4]

The problem with your presentation is that you made all of the opinions appear to come from your personal point of view. This discussion format requires you to use group pronouns in the public opinion discussion. Then, you have to use a clear reference to first person pronouns within your point of view. The use of the pronouns will help clarify the discussion and create a coherent move from one opinion to another.

You cannot avoid using pronoun references as these will be scored as a part of your GRA abilities. While others tell you that using pronouns should be avoided at all times, the fact that the pronouns are a part of the general writing rules in the English language and, you are scored on proper grammar rules knowledge and usage makes the use of pronouns vital in this type of discussion.

This should have been a 5 paragraph essay. However, since you seem more comfortable using the 4 paragraph format, you should have presented a longer discussion paragraph as you would have needed to:

- Present a topic sentence referring to the public point of view
- Discuss a reason the public supports this point of view
- Oppose the point of view with a personal opinion
- Given a reason why your opinion is correct
- Use an example to further explain your opinion
- Transition to the next POV discussion

Basically, your paragraph format would go from the 5 sentence presentation to the 6 sentence presentation. You write as much as 8 sentences if necessary, but not more than that. You would risk deviating from the discussion or, you could start to make grammatical and vocabulary errors. The 8 sentence format would be a good format for you to follow if you feel confident in your English vocabulary and writing skills. Writing more in a relevant manner will definitely increase your overall scoring possibility.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1: Your friend has had his/her first book published [5]

I would rate this a 4. It is lacking too many casual and cordial letter writing elements for it be considered passable. While people from the UK often use the term "mate" to indicate a friend, something not known to many people but definitely helped your letter, that was the only element of the letter that appeared to be casual and friendly. Your letter still sounds too serious. This is perhaps due to your writing the letter to an imaginary person instead of a real person. You did not need to use an English name to refer to as a friend in the letter. You could have used the name of your best friend. You are not being scored on what kind of friend name you use, just make sure to use a gender reference in the letter to indicate the sex of the person for example, you could have made a reference that:

In one of the scenes, you described a fishing trip the main character had with his father. It brought back memories for me. The dialogue "Yusaf, hold the worm tightly. It won't bite. Boys need to learn how to fish!" This was exactly what your father told you the first time we went fishing with him. Do you remember that? You fell out of the boat, exactly the way you described it in the book. The scene allowed me to relive our childhood. Thanks for that opportunity mate.

You cannot avoid using gender references in the letter. It was indicated as a useful scoring point in the instructions through the he/she references. You would have been scored on it. Please take note of the relaxed tone of the letter and the natural insertion of the word made in the writing. That is what you should be aiming for.

The letter is still too formal. It lacks the friendly and congratulatory tone that you would have had, if you were writing to an actual friend. When writing a letter to a friend, imagine you are actually writing the letter to a friend of yours. That way your letter will be more friendly and less formal in approach. You sound like you are writing to a stranger that you just met and are currently trying to befriend/ You need to be more relaxed when writing friendly letters.

Scholarship / Master of Digital Media at Victoria University - AAS - Why did you choose your proposed course [4]

The reasons that you chose your proposed course are highly relevant. You are connecting it with your career opportunities and the advancement of technology in your home country. These are well thought out and developed reasons within your presentation. So I do not believe that you need to change any of that presentation. What I do have a problem with is the reason why you chose the university. You need to connect your weak points with specific classes from the course. These discussions will highlight that you are conscious of your weak points and have actual academic considerations that led to your choice of course at the university. As for the university itself, you need to go beyond the ranking of the university. In fact, you need to avoid presenting easily researched information. You have to show that you did some institutional research that led to your decision. A reference to the accomplishments of the university in relation to your course of interest would be a good starting point. You could even refer to their successful graduates, who have breakthroughs in the field of your interest, as the basis of your interest in receiving an education from that university.

Graduate / Letter of motivation for a Master's Programme in Digital Media and Society [2]

Do not keep using "flow" to kick off your paragraphs. It is not a topic sentence and the repeated use eventually becomes tiresome, boring, and irrelevant to your discussion. You must rephrase the paragraphs to be interesting in terms of hooking the reader. Using the same term several times at the start of a paragraph does exactly the opposite. You are not being creative, you are being redundant to the point where the reviewer could lose interest in your work.

Did you really meant to use the term internat? That means international. I think you were trying to describe your office title but made a mistake in term usage? Perhaps you meant to say intern? I am not sure why you kept using "flow" in the statement either. What did you mean by "Like a flow"? Flow of what energy? Flowing to where? The word does not really tie the presentation thought together. You may want to really rethink your frequent usage of that word in the essay. It doesn't work. It doesn't feel like a natural part of the written presentation. What was your flow rhythm in the first place?

You are trying to be too imaginative, dramatic, and exaggerated in your presentation. You are too focused on the drama and not enough on the clarity of the content. This may end up working against your application as the reviewers only have a limited amount of time to review application essays and your essay takes too much time to read completely. In fact, I lost interest in your words by the third paragraph. Which means the reviewer will lose interest in your work by the end of the second paragraph. If he even gets that far into reading your paper. That is not good for your application.

Be more direct to the point, Offer a clear response to every question, Leave the flair for dramatics in your creative writing class. It has no place in an application essay. Use simple words. Make the discussion flow naturally. Do not over complicate things to the point where the reviewer may need to pull out a dictionary just to figure out what you are actually trying to say in the sentence. Keep it simple, keep it clear, keep it responsive. This is more academic than creative and dramatic in presentation. The less the reviewer has to read to get your responses to the questions, the better for your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITTING TASK 2 "Art classes should not be a compulsory subject" [4]

Please do not forget that you need to meet the 250 minimum word requirement in the task 2 essay. You only wrote 248 words and yes, you will still receive percentage points deductions for the missing 2 words. Though seemingly insignificant, every point matters. So losing even just a fraction could mean the difference between a passing or failing score for you in the end. Always strive to meet the minimum word count. Writing 5 lines per paragraph should help you automatically meet that consideration.

You also did not stick to the discussion instruction. The instruction was for you to discuss: To what extent do you agree or disagree? You changed the discussion instruction by saying: While I agree with this view, I believe that other factors are equally important. That is not the question being asked. You are to offer a response based solely on the discussion topic provided. Your total essay went against the discussion parameters as delivered by the original prompt. Hence, this essay cannot get a passing score.

This is a single opinion extent essay. You misunderstood the discussion requirements and in the process, ended up discussing a topic that you created, not the topic that was given to you. As such, the examiner cannot give you a passing score. You must understand the discussion instructions and learn to format your response based on that requirement. An extent essay is presented as:

Par. 1: Restatement + extent response to the question
Par. 2: Strong reason 1 that shows support for your response
Par. 3: Strong reason 2 that further proves the strength of your opinion
Par. 4: Prompt restatement + discussion recap + repeat of your opinion

You cannot have a partial dis/agreement in this essay. You do not have a middle ground option in the discussion. You are scored on the clarity of your opinion and your discussion defense. The scoring requires you to pick one side and defend it. You cannot have a middle ground opinion because that means you do not have an opinion at all.

As you can see from the paragraph format above, your work did not come close to the required discussion presentation / format. So you need to work further on understanding the different discussion types for the Task 2 essay and how to best frame your response for the highest possible overall score.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why people commute to work by bicycle or by car - WRITTING [2]

You need uniformity in the way that you present your information to the reader. I do not advise the over usage of parenthesis in the Task 1 essay. A parenthesis often signifies an optional piece of information. However, you are not offering optional information. You are offering factual data from the pie chart in reference to specific data targets in the pie chart. Hence, the need to remove the information from the parenthesis and instead, offer it as vital information directly from the image presentation.

You have a little problem in term of clarity in the presentation. Some problem areas are:

Health and cause less contamination for THE environment...
Overmore, it seem that cycling - Furthermore...seemS...

These are but a few grammatical problems in your essay. You also misspelled bicycle once in this presentation.

Going back to the summary overview. You forgot to completely identify the image. You have to specify that you are reviewing 2 pie charts. Not just charts. Charts are a generic reference for the image. You need to be specific in the presentation because you are filing a report to a person who may not have a copy of the image. Additionally, you also forgot to indicate the measurement type used for both charts. The rundown of the pie chart divisions were well done in your discussion paragraphs. Since there are 2 images with different target points, you did well in listing these clearly in the presentation paragraphs.

Scholarship / My entry to Ivy Panda Essay Writing Scholarship -is studying abroad really worth it [4]

What are the essay writing instructions? I cannot review your essay for applicability to the competition if I do not know what the requirements are. You need to deliver the writing instructions if you want to receive applicable advice for the improvement of your content and presentation.

I can however, tell you that the essay is not good. It uses the words of other people to open the discussion, without the writer explaining how the texts apply to the discussion being presented. There is nothing to show the opinion of the people who won the scholarship. Why did they decide to go abroad to study? Why did they need the scholarship? The survey about the students reasons for studying abroad is just presented. There is no reason to value these digits.

There is no reference to anything that would make this essay even considerable for the competition. It does not work in any way. It is not a competitive piece. I cannot help you because I do not know the writing instructions for the essay. I wish you had provided that to me when you first posted this essay here.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that longer imprisonment is the most effective method to lessen crime rate [3]

This essay should be using the 5 paragraph format:
- Restatement
- POV 1
- POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Concluding restatement

Your essay fell short of the expected discussion format. You deviated from the prompt topic in the first reasoning paragraph. The proposed discussion topic is not focused on the alternative punishment discussion. It is focused on the debate as to whether imprisonment or alternative punishments would be better in reducing the crime rate. You turned the discussion topic into finding alternative forms of punishment. At least in the first reasoning paragraph.

You actually changed the discussion and as such, cannot be scored appropriately for this essay. When you change the discussion parameters, the essay will lose a percentage of points with regards to the word count requirement. You will only be scored fro the passages that still relate to the original discussion. The problem, is that your essay did not properly divide the paragraphs into the point of view topics are indicated by the discussion instructions.

You are scored mostly on prompt adherence, then on clairiy, then on vocabulary, then on grammar. Your exercises should focus more on your ability to understand and perform based on English instructions. You can find apps to help you improve that aspect of your writing. Start with the basic, which is the focal point of your scores, then work your way towards improving the remaining sections from there.

Writing Feedback / The dilemma of whether better opt to reside in apartments or tip in favor of living in houses [2]

Your essay does not flow naturally. The word "unequivocal" does not fit the statement you wrote. It sounds like you are trying to impress examiner rather than trying to make a coherent sentence. Do not set out to impress, you can actually score highly if you focus on your natural English vocabulary range and create an understandable sentence each time. The vocabulary score will not be higher if you misuse the word in the sentence. Rather than saying "unequivocal", you could have used the simpler term "clear" to represent the clarity of the current discussion in reference to the choices the people have to make.

The approach to the essay is to prove that your point, that living in a house has more drawbacks than living in an apartment. This is not a compare and contrast essay. This is a single opinion essay that requires you to discuss 2 specific reasons that can support your point of view. In this essay, your discussion should have had 2 paragraphs in reference to the following supporting reasons:

- Security requirements
- Upkeep expenses for an apartment are lesser than that of a house

You should not be focused on the length of the essay. You should be concentrating on making sure that you properly respond to the question. Even if you wrote a long essay, when your response does not follow the expected format, you will lose points in the end. In this case, you will lose word count considerations and lose a percentage of the actual TA score, because you will only be scored for the parts of the essay that apply to your actual response to the question. The rest of the discussion, the first reasoning paragraph will not be considered as a part of the full response since it does not support your discussion point.

BTW, the prompt restatement at the beginning and in the conclusion need to have the 3 sentence requirement for its presentation. You have to make sure that you paraphrase the discussion twice. Once at the beginning, focusing on the supplied information, and at the end, focusing on the discussion you provided.

Undergraduate / Nursing School Admissions Essay (assault, abuse, poverty, mental illness) [2]

What you have to understand is that the reviewer is looking for a unique backstory that will reflect the reason as to why you have managed to achieve what you have in life so far. What makes you a unique person? What might set you apart from the other applicants? Why would this make you an interesting addition to the student roster? So where is what I think you should write about in the essay:

- Talk about your advocacy and what you have done so far to support these ideals.
- Explain how your advocacy relates to the abuse you experienced in your life
- Relate the advocacy and abuse to your desire to become a nurse.
- Give reasons as to why your experience, advocacy, and ambition in life, when combined, can allow you help the under served communities.
- Talk about how you envision your future based upon these 3 topics. That should help close your response on a strong note.

Again, these are merely topic suggestions. It is meant to just give you a starting point for your essay draft. You may adjust the content or totally change it. It all depends upon you and how comfortable you will be opening up to the reviewer using your personal experience. It might be too raw for you to discuss at this point so the approach is really all based on how you want to share the information with the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Is online schooling as effective as in-class education ? [3]

I will not argue the points that you made in the essay. These seem to be based on a personal experience on your part, which manages to make your statements quite convincing. However, with every opposition that you present, you must also offer a possible solution to the problem. The solution should indicate a way that can prevent the problem. In this case, cheating is the situation you want to resolve. Perhaps a solution would be to simply assign homework and avoid testing at this time. Homework can be one tool to assess the student's understanding of the class, aside from research work and group assignments.

When you write essays such as these, always assume that you are discussing with other people. Expect their objections and possible counter arguments. Plug the holes to show that you have given greater thought to the problem and solution. You see, the essay you are writing would fall under the category of a problem-solution essay. So you should spend some time developing your solution presentation as well.

Your message is sometimes marred by the confusing statements you make in your writing:

Despite the closures of schools, they have transitioned to an online classroom
- Despite indicates that regardless of the block, the schools were able to continue. However, that is not clear in your statement. A clearer presentation would have been:

Despite the closure of schools, students have managed to attend classes through online classroom learning.
-You have to first explain what happened that stopped classroom learning, then offer the solution that was found to address the problem.

The second sentence in your opening paragraph is a run-on sentence. It created a difficult to follow discussion. It is always best to use one topic per sentence. While the discussion does relate, the clarity of the statement comes from giving the reader a chance to pause and process the information first.

There are also several other sentence formation errors in the essay along with punctuation issues. This post will become too long if I address all of the required corrections in your presentation. So here is my suggestion, pay attention to the bundled grammar checker in your word program. Those often spot the simplest errors and advise you on how to correct it. Pay attention, those are simple but good ways to help improve your writing and grammar presentations.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL The issue of the fuel's cost since the fuel itself has been fiercely polluting our environment [2]

You need an interesting hook for this essay. Your approach is unnecessary as you are giving a comparative discussion when you should be focused on establishing the backstory for your essay opinion instead. Think about the reason why you disagree with the statement? What sort of story or example can you open the essay with that will help to highlight a major reason as to why you oppose the statement? You need to make sure that you create an interesting opening statement that will help you better explain your opinion. By the way, it will be more helpful to your presentation if you can explain your opinion between 380-400 words. Remember, you won't be scored less for writing more words, but you could actually gain penalties under other scoring considerations if you just kept writing, without editing the work when you needed to.

While you do have a wide discussion development, this did not help you to create a well developed presentation. Your ideas and reasons are often difficult to understand because of the sentence errors that create confusion for the reader. You often use words and word forms that do not help to create a proper sentence presentation. Oftentimes, the lack of proper sentence formation results in incoherent sentences. You should be focusing on the clarity of your explanation and reasons rather than just the word count. Remember the golden rule, a long essay does not mean a passing essay. As long as you meet more than the minimum word requirement, your score will be fine. You have to look at developing the clarity of your discussion and the coherence of your explanations. You need to make sure that the discussion connects well, without using too many words.

Please keep in mind that you are writing an academic opinion paper. So informal English words such as "tons" is out of place. Always maintain an academic explanation using formal English word and sentence presentations. Your essay uses several informal word presentation such as tons, have to, and as long as. The last 2 affect the clarity of your presentation as you use basic English phrases rather than academic vocabulary.

Overall, you have good discussion ideas. The problem is that your presentation is faulty in terms of clarity. Focus less on the word count and more on the clear explanations. What you can do is, have someone review the essay after you write it. Ask that person to tell you which parts of the essay are unclear to him. Ask why it became unclear. These sorts of work reviews can help you spot problematic sentences and paragraphs, which you can further improve on by writing the same essay, keeping the errors in mind, and correcting them on the second try. That should help you learn how to write essays with clear idea and explanation presentations.

Undergraduate / Readmission Essay- Overcoming Academic Suspension [2]

I believe that you have written a tremendously strong, detailed, and insightful readmission request letter. You have acknowledged your overall guilt, showed repentance, and followed through with your personal mea culpa to the point where you have improved yourself overall. I do not see any need to improve those parts of your letter. However, I do want to call your attention to the point in the letter where you mention having met Maria Elena Salinas. Surely she should have more than just a one sentence reference in this letter. Try to use that meeting to highlight the impact a realization on your part. What influence did that meeting have on you? How did it affect your decision to work even harder towards achieving your academic ambitions? Don't just make such an impactful event a mere mention, as if saying, "Oh, I also met Howard from sales." like it did not matter so much but had to be mentioned just the same. A deeper discussion of that meeting would help to add to the impact of your presentation. Be it a personal effect or a general effect, it should help highlight how you further decided to take charge of your life. It should have helped further inspire you to complete your degree at a 4 year college, rather than always attending community colleges.

Writing Feedback / Benefits of Certified Nursing Assistant [2]

You have to clarify your thesis statement for this essay. If you are going to be discussing the progression of a nurse's career, leading up to becoming a CNA, the you should make that clear in your first paragraph. Outline the discussion for the reader. Explain why it is important to understand the career progression to clarify the importance of every career step towards the ultimate goal. Your essay should make it clear to the reader that each type of nurse, from the CG to the RN, all experience career training opportunities that help the nurse work up the career ladder. Consider doing a more in-depth discussion of each nursing position in relation to skills acquired that are useful towards becoming a CNA.

Create a more connected discussion regarding one aspect of nursing to the next. Make sure that the relationship and progression towards the CNA goal is clear with every nursing position discussion. As of now, the essay is disconnected. It doesn't really create an easy to follow presentation with regards to the career progression, importance of each nursing position, and why the CNA position should be the ultimate ambition for any nurse. Once you manage to accomplish these points in your essay, the benefits of becoming a CNA should be clearer to the readero.

Letters / Recommendation Letter for MFE Program [2]

In the paragraph that describes your passion for a topic, the professor should relate this passion to the program you are applying to. Use specifics that show or highlight your interest in the undergraduate courses in relation to the MFE program specifics. You have a strong undergraduate background so I am sure the professor can easily make this insertion for you.

I have one concern though. Is the letter from the professor a requirement for the program? The reason I am concerned is because you need to be a fresh graduate for your professor's letter to make an impact on the reviewer. Normally, the MFE applicant recommendation letters come from their immediate supervisors as the work abilities of the potential student, in relation to the course are a better measurement of your possible ability to complete the course.

Masters programs are more employment rather than undergraduate lesson focused. Your work requirement to complete the course is a far more compelling reason for you to enter into the course. A slant towards the supervisor writing about your professional ambitions in relation to the course and your work progression would be far more convincing than the letter from your undergraduate professor. Then again, if you really want to use the professor's letter, then go ahead and do so.

Aside from the slight content addition I am suggesting, the letter just needs some professor editing in terms of grammar to make it more interesting to the reviewer. If you can do also do that, then your letter should be ready for use.

Writing Feedback / (Ielts task1) how energy is used in an average Australian household and the greenhouse gas emissions [2]

For clarity requirements, you need to present the information from the charts (including the type of chart) in individual sentences. Do this because the minimum sentence requirement is 3 sentences per paragraph. You score less in the GRA and C&C section when you use run on sentences the way you did throughout this report. You are missing several key points in your summary, including the trending statement. Offer a better summary of the discussion points, trending statement, and measurement type next time.

There should have been a comparison discussion / paragraph presentation in this essay. For every energy use, there is a specific greenhouse emission related to it. Look at the charts. The instructions told you to make comparisons where relevant. You should have indicated the corresponding comparative measurements for each partnered discussion point:

water heating energy - water heating green house emission
refrigeration energy - refrigeration emission
etc.

Since there are 6 comparative points per chart, your 2 reporting paragraphs should have presented the comparisons based on a 3 topic presentation per paragraph. That would have created a more coherent and cohesive discussion presentation:

Par. 2: Cooling, heating, water heating
Par. 3: Refrigeration, other appliances, lighting

Using the chart comparison method, you should be able to develop a well developed and cohesive report based on the 2 charts provided. By the way, identify the chart using specific descriptions. It isn't just a chart, it is a pie chart. There are several types of charts used in the task 1 essay so you have to be specific when describing it to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Are governments and corporations the only organizations that can enhance the environment? [3]

This essay does not follow the required format for the Task 2 essay. The main reason it will not get a passing score is because if does not meet the minimum 250 word requirement. You wrote only 230 words. A percentage of points, based on the missing word count will be applied to the TA section of this essay. Additionally, you created a comparative essay discussion rather than the required single opinion discussion. You already indicated a disagreement with the given text. You should have presented 2 reasons as to why you disagree with the idea provided within 2 separate paragraphs. Remember the question was: "To what extent..." Based on the question, there is an unspoken requirement that you defend your point of view, based on reasons that show an extent of your disagreement. The most applicable format for this discussion would have been:

Notable corporations make a difference in preserving our habitat by using environmentally designs. Campuses as built by Google and Facebook help to keep the greens intact around the buildings. It is not only corporations that can do this. Individuals can also accomplish a similar task by landscaping their homes. Thus negating the idea that only corporations can make a difference in improving our surroundings....

The government is tasked to preserve the environment through various projects. They do not need to do it alone. By implementing community based preservation programs individuals may be encouraged ....

This is only a suggested discussion approach. This is the discussion type that allows you to prove that your point of view is correct, based on the way that the other discussion is improperly framed.

By the way, your paraphrase is a run on sentence. You need to split the content of the first sentence into 2. That means, you should be presenting a 3 sentence paragraph, which would help you meet the minimum word requirement. The concluding paraphrase is short by 2 sentences to meet the paragraph minimum requirement as well. It does not offer a proper restatement of the given discussion and your reasons, along with a reiteration of your opinion. All of these would have helped you meet the minimum word count, but not necessarily a better discussion presentation because you did not properly address the task.

Writing Feedback / Ielts2 - The equal amount of money to both medical research and the protection of environment [3]

You have 40 minutes to write a perfect version of this essay. While you may be able to write 363 words during that period of time, the one thing that you failed to do, was perfect the content. You took the quality and clarity of your writing for granted in favor of writing more words. The extra long essay did not help your presentation.

You are writing using word fillers. Word filler sentences and phrases do not really help move your essay forward, but would definitely add to your word count. The extra large word count doesn't matter when the paragraphs are not clear and do not make sense immediately to the reader. Be concise. Clarity scores well, wordy essays never score well due to the forced errors that students end up making.

Word filler samples:

To begin with, there are a number of reasons why government should spend money on medical research. Firstly, these days...
- Unnecessary introduction. All Task 2 essays must start with a clear topic sentence. The examiner does not care for the word fillers. If the vocabulary does not relate to the actual discussion, the extra words do not matter. It just means that you are not familiar enough with the topic to be able to write about it using relevant discussion sentences.

Your second paragraph is a discussion deviation. Remember, you were asked a direct question, to which you disagreed with the discussion. This is not a comparative discussion essay. You are writing a direct, single opinion essay. The two discussion paragraphs should only offer information that proves your dis/agreement with the given statement. There is no middle ground. You cannot use a "maybe" for a response. Specially when you clearly stated a disagreement with the point of view presented. The main problem that will give this essay a failing score is the way that you created your own discussion topic, showing that you did not understand the discussion instructions for the topic provided. The argument you present runs counter to the discussion instruction you were given. This essay will not get a passing TA score because of it. Now, add the grammar and clarity issues of your paragraph to the scoring consideration and you will find that this type of writing will not get a passing score.

Never change the discussion requirements. You are scored on your ability to discuss the essay in the required format. That is why you cannot use a "maybe" or "50/50" response in the discussion. You must always represent a clear position, based on the prompt choices, and support only that position throughout the discussion.

Writing Feedback / More and more children are accessing the internet unsupervised at a younger age. [2]

There is a standard rule in writing the Task 2 test. To get a high score, keep sentences short and clear. Why? Long and wordy sentences tend to overdo the presentation, causing confusion for the reader and improper vocabulary use on the part of the exam taker. Your first paragraph is definitely an example of the pitfalls of a long and wordy sentence. The number of words you write are not as important as the clarity of your message per sentence, per paragraph. Let me show you how you could have made a better presentation for the prompt restatement:

There is a growing trend of youngsters going online without any adult overseeing their cyberspace activities. This is a situation that causes dangerous scenarios for the kids. There are several complications that parents should identify in this scenario. After identifying the red flag situations, parents should be prepared to work out the situations for the protection of the kids.

The above presentation shows a clear representation of the original prompt discussion topic and discussion requirements. It is not too wordy and not too focused on advanced vocabulary usage. Some people will say, "use complicated words to score higher!" That is wrong! The examiner is looking for a natural flow of discussion, the vocabulary used should not feel forced or out of place in the discussion. Keeping things simple allow you to clearly present your thoughts. That is what you are scored on anyway, not the word count of complicated vocabulary use. However, if you are a master of writing advanced English level papers, then go ahead and try to sound like Einstein. Just make sure it sounds natural in the presentation.

Your first reasoning paragraph got lost in translation. Were you referring to the current work and study from home scenario? You did not do a good job of referring to that. The presentation is lacking in explanation development and supporting samples. However, the second paragraph managed to get the job done. You were able to explain yourself in a somewhat clear manner. I understood what you wanted to say. Don't get me wrong, the paragraph could use further explanations and example presentations to show the effectiveness of your suggested solutions.

The summary overview is short by one sentence. All the paragraphs should have at least 3 sentences. You should have offered an example of the internet trouble a child can face and, the final sentence, could be the solution you suggested parents apply.

I can see that you are capable of understanding the prompt discussion topic and instructions. The problem is the way you write. You have to practice thinking and writing in English. Never think in your native tongue and then translate word for word. That is how you end up with confusing sentences and little explained paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. [5]

Where did the obesity topic come from? There is a general reference to health concerns in the original discussion, you should not have changed the topic in your restatement.

There is no need to discuss the negative effects in the manner that you did. Rather, the negative effect should be mentioned in short form, only as a reference point for the increased taxes. You could have done better in your first reasoning paragraph. Rather, you should be discussing 2 separate topic paragraphs that will simply support the strength of your agreement with the proposal (higher tax on fast food). You had too much emphasis on the health discussion when the focus should have been mostly on the benefits that increased taxes would afford the public such as:

"Higher quick food taxes would result in health benefits for the people. Rather than reaching for the soda which, when drank regularly could result in Diabetes, the person could reach for a bottle of distilled water instead as a cheaper and healthier alternative. The same goes for the high calorie foods. Instead of a Whopper Burger, the person would opt for the much healthier Apple instead. Thus creating a healthier lifestyle for the person, all because of the way that the junk meals will no longer be as affordable as these currently are. "

Your first discussion paragraph created an accidental prompt deviation because you said "Concerning the negative effect" instead of using a more relevant topic sentence such as; "Higher convenient food taxes will result in a healthier person because..." . Explain how the food tax will help create a healthier person. Always stay on point. Use the actual topic in various forms to represent the discussion topic. For the second paragraph, the discussion topic should have been; "Given that high calories fast food can bring detrimental and even irreversible impact, the government should act on it by reducing the temptations." Then proceed to discuss the benefits of the food tax in terms of lessening the temptation to eat food on the go.

Your essay deviated from the original prompt yet again in the concluding paraphrase. Why did you decide to focus on obesity when it was not mentioned in the original prompt? This misunderstanding of the prompt discussion format on your part is what will cause this essay to get a low score.

Writing Feedback / Write-up for CPA Society's Magazine - Impact of Culture on the Accounting Profession [3]

I am not sure what the connection of aviation safety is to the CPA profession. I would have rather read a reference to "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" in relation to how you speak to your clients. The aviation reference doesn't connect well with the main topic. I can understand what you mean by referencing the Korean plan crashes that were caused by the submissiveness of the co-pilot to the pilot, as dictated by their culture. However, that has nothing to do with finance so the relevance will be lost on the reader. Try to use a book that is more relatable to those in the same field. That way you add information to the article, in an entertaining and educational manner.

Why not consider writing this as an insight into how you are struggling to overcome the "natural" language of your family so that you can kick-start your career. A career that demands a confident, assuring voice every time you speak to a client. Explain the cultural war going on inside of you, and why the non Hong Kong side of your personality has to win in the end. You just may find some other CPA's suffering from the same situation who will reach out to you after the publication of your article.

Start the article with a more interesting hook. Tell a story, a story of your day at the office when, because of your uncertain word usage, the client decided to release you from your job with his firm instead. That would be a more interesting take on the topic instead of mere mentions of the words that you use in your daily work life. It will also better explain what you mean by your culture being a problem when it comes to your career advancement. Talk about what steps you have taken to overcome this problem. How has it affected your career? Perhaps the changes have also helped you develop a stronger personality within your family? There are a lot of ways this article can actually go. The question is, "What do you really want to say about yourself, your profession, and your culture with this article?". Write about that.

Writing Feedback / ielts writing task2: wheter to accept bad situation or not? [3]

You failed to discuss the essay in the proper manner. You were supposed to provide a 5 paragraph essay that focuses on delivering the following information:

- Restatement + Opinion (optional)
- Public point of view 1 (with group pronoun usage)
- Public point of view 2 (with group pronoun usage)
- Personal point of view (with 1st personal pronoun usage)

You did not present a complete paraphrase of the topic. You neglected to add information about how the discussion was to proceed based on the given discussion instructions. The actual discussion is also incomplete due to the lack of proper reference to the point of view. You cannot use a generalized discussion in this situation because there are 3 points of view that need to be represented in individual paragraphs.

I believe that you are studying on your own right? So you don't really have any solid examples of how to best approach this essay. You should look at the available samples of how to write this type of essay at this forum. Just tap on the Similar Discussions link to see related content. As of now, I cannot assess your essay beyond the TA section because that is actually what you failed to do in this essay. You failed to address the essay as per the formatting and discussion requirements of the original prompt. I showed you the outline that you should have used above. That is a start in terms of correcting the format of your discussion presentation for the comparative essay with personal opinion discussion format.

By the way, do not use conclusions with every paragraph. You should be using transition sentences to help introduce the next paragraph topic. The concluding sentence is only used at the end of the reverse paraphrase, which you did not properly do on this essay either.

Writing Feedback / It is neither time nor opportunity that is to determine intimacy. [3]

You won't be happy with the score that this essay might get. Mostly because you did not really discuss the quote as it applies to the Jane Austen novel. The insertion of Harry Potter was misplaced. The discussion should only borrow justifications or refuting sentences from the novel Sense and Sensibility. That is the basis of the essay discussion. The professor is asking you to analyze the friendship or adversary relationship of the characters. Your response failed to borrow from the book in terms of analysis and discussion points. It would most likely get a 0 score because of it.

You posed a series of questions in the response, yet your response to these questions did not borrow from the discussion of time or opportunity as the creator of intimacy among people. In other words, your essay does not respond properly to the given prompt. You have to read the novel in its totality, borrow specific passages from it to use in your discussion in relation to time intimacy. Do not lose focus of the discussion points. Do not use non-related novels for your justification. You may refer to your personal experience though. This essay calls for a personal analysis of the passage and the professors normally appreciate it when students relate the passage to their personal involvement in similar situations.