Undergraduate / "what would you like to be?" replying "I don't have an idea" AUC Admission Essay [2]


After pondering seriously, I realized that this question dealt with my aspirations and dreams.
I don't need an architecturearchitect to design my life.


Well, I feel you've overdone this part. They do not contain much substance that is relevant to your question. Anyways, that's my ordinary layman view and wait for expert advice by others :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: How color influence people's health and capacity for work [5]

Let's do one for this following this approach;
Colors have a great impact on our lives (hook)
According to many psychologists, the colors affect our emotions and the way we feel . (definition of the question) Therefore it is a widely accepted fact that color schemes should be selected to suit the mood of the place when it is decorated. (importance of the question).... Background

However, I do not agree with this view and I believe the colors do not necessarily influence the way people feel. .... your opinion

Undergraduate / ILLEGAL DRUGS; **UWC PAKISTAN** ; Current problem in Pakistan [7]


Three years ago .... Never start a sentence with numbers in an essay.


.... Ok, this is what I suggest and have a look;
Three years ago I studied in a popular public school which had a student body representing a cross section of different socio- economic backgrounds. With my keen interest in "Psychological Studies", I began to observe behaviors and attitudes of my fellow students and analyse them based on their social backgrounds.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; what people say about advertisement? [7]


Well , the problem here is that it is very difficult to understand what you really mean. That sentence does not deliver a clear idea :( Anyway, I also feel that you tend to go out of topic. What you have to write is that whether advertisements promote people to buy things that they do not really need to buy. For example, suppose you have a good phone with what you are quite happy. Then you see a new advertisement about smart phones and then you get agitated to buy a new phone. You do not have a real need to buy a phone, but you are tempted by an advertisement to buy a new phone. Your topic is simply that and you need to align your writing with that aspect.

Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGY; PROBLEM AFFECTING MY COMMUNITY [6]

Well, your question asks you to write about a problem that affects your community. So, you need to talk about a specific problem and then tell how it affects your community and what you could do about it. What you have written above is not so focused. If it is about technology, then you need to specifically say how technology has become a problem for you. What aspect of technology had become a problem for your community? Has it distanced people from one another? Has it destroyed family life? Has it got people less active and physically unfit?.... Tell them your problem!

Essays / Need some input on what to write about for personal experience essay. [5]


I think this is very good. Your scope is much wider because it says -


... So it can be regional too. However, when you introduce this issue to the reader you need to talk about it as a more significant issue across your community, region, country etc. Try to support that aspect with statistics if you can find them. Make sure you do not narrow down the scope of the issue although you are going to talk about your personal experience.

Writing Feedback / Where do you want to live? traditional vs modern - 'health environment choice' [21]


Don't use synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. The words may have similar meanings, for example "smile" and "laugh", but used to describe different situations. Smile is a pleasant good gesture, but laugh can sometimes be sarcastic or rude. Likewise, be careful of using synonyms. In the above sentence "inhabitants" is not an appropriate word to use. It means that a person or animal that lives in or occupies a place. "People" is the most appropriate word to use there.

Writing Feedback / Tourism; When visiting another country, huge cultural differences may arise. [3]

You haven't used the most important word here which is "TOURISM". It is good to have a multicultural environment to boost tourism. Tourism directly contributes to the economic activity of a country.

Also have one body para to give one reason and an example to support that reason.

Writing Feedback / People attend university for many different reasons. 'making more money' [4]

Your essay seems to be a bit lengthy, especially the size of the paragraphs. TOEFL has a major bearing on time and if you do not manage time well, then you would not be able to finish the exam on time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Diagram of Earthquake-resistant buildings [5]

Height, is the main main differences of the buildings.


The apartment is taller compared to the house and it had used metal support to strengthen interlinear wall for that purpose.
You need to improve your grammar and sentence structures a lot. Write short sentences and avoid writing lengthy sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; what people say about advertisement? [7]


This is a major mistake lots of students do. Synonyms do not help always because in a language what is most important is the usage of words. For example, take the words "smile" and "laugh" They are close synonyms, but used to give different meanings. So, if you are not very sure, don't use synonyms. Instead write your sentences with known words.


Your sentences are pretty confusing. The above sentence is too long. Write short sentences with better clarity.

Writing Feedback / Letters, email, or telephone communication? Yes - it's more comfortable and can save time and money [5]


First, face to face communication is not always very comfortable for people.
Your body paragraphs are well structured. They come up with a reason and then a solid example to back the reason. I think it is the introduction you need to pay attention. I too suggest you to follow dumi's structure for that. That's quite good :)

Writing Feedback / Parents presently tend to let their children study or research subjects freely what they want [3]


.... wrong grammar. "children" is the plural form of "child. Therefore it should be "children are now"


.... also, be careful with using synonyms. They may give a very different impression when you use them in inappropriate places.
The second reason is that the parents nowadays give more freedom to their children in handling finances.


For example, many parents today give their children some pocket allowance which enables the children to spend for things that they want.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 [6]


Ok... this is what I suggest'
Similarities - From 2030 onward the aging population of all three countries would start accelerating . Till 1980 both US and Canada followed almost same trends.
Differences - Japan had a sharp decline till 1960 while USA and Canada had an upward trend. Except for USA has others keep rising from 2000 to 2020

These things you can explain with details having the support of data.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Teenage or Adult life - which brings more happiness in life? [7]


learning new things is a common phenomenon throughout one's life. The biggest advantage during teenage years compared to adulthood is that it is free from serious responsibilities. So you've got time to enjoy life without worrying too much about your commitments.


If you think teenage life is the happier one, then keep supporting that opinion. Talking about the opposite opinion would not help you convince your reader.

Writing Feedback / Report of Numeracy Skill in 24 Countries [10]


This is not a pie chart. This is a bar chart. You should not have charts mixed up and it is a dangerous thing to happen in this task.


The introduction should be followed by an overview. The above paragraph is not a proper overview because the overview should only discuss the main trends and should not include data and details. Once you do the overview, you can proceed to a new part to discuss trends in more detail. There you should use all the statistics and details.

Writing Feedback / IELST Task 2: Should people be exempted from taxes? [8]


I personally believe that every individual is obliged to pay taxes to the government.
Anyways, good introduction!


I like if you didn't have this sentence. The next sentence is a good one to start with your body para.


First of all, people wish to retain their hard earned money with them in hope of enhancing their living standard.


You have too many reasons in this para. It is good if you limit one reason per body para.

Writing Feedback / Why people work? Money or Pleasure [4]


This introduction goes a little bit out of topic. Your prompt does not talk about a particular time period, I mean it does not specifically ask you to talk about the today's workers or workers of previous eras. So, do not specify a particular time period.


.... I think "hobby" is not the most appropriate word. It is their passion, they love that particular field. Hobby is something you do during your leisure and you generally doesn't use the hobby to earn your living. These professional sportsmen play for money and they wouldn't have put so much effort to become so professional if they considered that sport just a mere hobby.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Do you prefer to eat out or eat at home ? [7]


Each option has its own benefits and flaws.


... think makes prefer redundant.

If you say that you prefer to eat at home, then you should use your body paragraphs to support your preference. So, tell the reasons why you prefer to eat at home and then back your reasons with examples. There's no point in talking about the other side.

You can write well. There's no doubt about that . However, you need to pay attention to the structure !

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The challenges people face when they go to live in other countries [5]


No, don't do that. Leave the introduction as a separate sentence. Then do the overview.


.... so you say this your overview - however, this is actually should be a part of the introduction as it doesn't reveal any major observations of your graphs.

I think you need to know what you should write in the overview. What you should write in the Overview is that the main trends (your observations) without giving any details. It's kind of an outline of the graphical representation. Let's do one for this task;

Overall, it is observed that integration challenges vary according to making friends had been the biggest challenge for those who were young, while learning the local language had been the most difficult challenge for the older people.

Scholarship / What could my school do to better promote diversity? [4]


When it comes to promoting diversity in schools, teachers have to play a big role in those efforts.


... I find it's difficult to catch your idea here.... Do you mean equal opportunities for students? .... I feel you should rephrase this sentence.


Had you not lengthen this sentence it would have read much much better. You have good ideas, but you need to present them with better clarity. I also suggest you to employ direct speech to enhance clarity of your sentences;

Teachers can promote students to appreciate diversity through simple actions. Teachers can do this by having students of different ethnicity to sit together or making them be partners in interactive study groups.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Global population figures and figures for urban populations [5]

society means "the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community" or "an organization or club formed for a particular purpose or activity". So, the impressions made by the two words "people" and "society" are very different though they have some relationship or closeness. Do not have the habit of replacing words with synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. It makes your reading much worse than writing an essay with simple words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: the chart in global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video [6]


Clever question :) I too look forward to dumi's comments on this point LOL
I would vote for having around 200 words. I think that is more practical with the time , the 20 mins allowed for you to complete the task. So, it is better you follow some structure for this body para and practice accordingly to improve handling time. Find your own strategy to group data in general (for example - similarities and differences) Accordingly write about two body paras (e.g. one for similarities and one for differences).

Writing Feedback / IELTS - wealth countries achieved over 4.0% in 60s and declined sharply under 3.0 percent in 1970 [5]


Well, I think you need to have a different approach for this task. This is what I suggest;
1. Introduce the graph (Write one or two sentences that introduce your graph to the reader. Do this by paraphrasing the title of the graph - make sure to include time frame it there's one)

2. Give an overview (You also need to state what the main trend or trends in the graph are. Don't give detail such as data here and tell them your major observations)

3. Give the detail (You can now give more specific detail in the body paragraphs)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The challenges people face when they go to live in other countries [5]


You need to have one or two sentences that paraphrase the title of the graph for your introduction. This is ok, but I feel you can improve its presentation and clarity. This is what I suggest;

The bar chart reveals the information about integration challenges faced by different age groups. These challenges include learning local language, finding shelter and making friends.


Before this detailed paragraph, you need to come up with an overview of this graphical presentation which discuss the more significant observations very briefly without any support from data.

Letters / LETTER TO A COUSIN; Directed writing O levels English [6]


.... This is what I suggest you to write;
I decided to discuss this incident with you to get your advice as you know me the best and understand my feelings better. ... now start telling him what happened. It should be said in this same paragraph. You can move to the other para to say how you feel about it and then asking him for a solution.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Global population figures and figures for urban populations [5]


The line graph shows a slow growth in the population from the year 1800 to 1920 from 1 billion to 2 billion inhabitants. The growth is predicted to accelerate till the year 2040 to a level of 8 billion.


You cannot use past tense because what you see from 2014 onward are their predictions on population growth.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food [5]


...excellent introduction.
Follow this structure;
1. Introduce the graph (your intro is perfect for this objective)
2. Give an overview ( you have a problem here - talk about the major observations very briefly without giving any statistical support. Leave that for the next section)

3. Give more details (discuss trends with statistics and data)

Writing Feedback / What would I change in my village if I could get an opportunity! [4]

Yes, I too notice that. Stay aligned with your topic always. It is a must do thing for this task. (I guess you are going to take up IELTS or TOEFL)

... it has been proofedproved that breathing in big cities same aslike Tehran is so harmful.


As dumi rightly mentioned above, this essay is not about government actions, but your actions. I think you better re-do the whole essay and re-post it here.

Writing Feedback / Why people go to the museum ? [7]


....it is not very clear what you try to mean. I guess you mean "society" .Anyway you need to re-do this sentence again.


.... again, a very confusing sentence. Better work on your grammar more. Also, try to express your ideas in simple known words without trying synonyms. Lots of students have the habit of replacing words with synonyms, but it's a very dangerous thing as if they are used in inappropriate places, then they would give a total different expression.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS TASK 2) closing offices to save energy [7]


company owners


This is a poor beginning for a body paragraph. You should open your body para with the reason that justifies your opinion about the issue . Then support the reason with a specific example. Those are must feature in your IELTS TASK 2 essay that would earn you a good score.


You should have stated this opinion in the introduction itself.

Graduate / compressed sensing and robust statistics; Electrical and Computer Engineering [3]


... better capitalize;
The Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering at UniversityXXXX has many interesting research topics in the field of Compressed Sensing.


Being a person with a strong passion for research, I look forward to gaining a deeper understanding in Compressed Sensing and Robust Statistics.


.... "robust methods for compressed sensing" - getting repeated too often :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Residents of Germany have allocated less money amongst the four European countries [5]

Ok, I've got a point to say about what you asked from dumi :)


In Academic Task 1 of the Writing module, you are expected to write a short descriptive report based on graphical presentation or data. So, it is your report writing ability that they want to test. So you need to adopt a more formal tone which is more appropriate for reporting. Avoid phrases like above that sound more personal.


Idea wise, this is a good overview. But what lacks here is the appropriate tone. Your word choices should be more aligned with report writing and sentence should be more concise and clear.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 travel alone or with friends? [10]


Yes, it is very important that you get hold of a good essay structure because this task is time bound.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General: Job application for a waiter position [9]


You have a good point there. But at the same time you need to show him how you too gain out of the job so that he would be more considerate about your claim. What I mean is the employer would like to know how the employee would be benefited by the job he offers.

I think what is best is to talk about prior experience first, and then have this idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General: Job application for a waiter position [9]


.... small typo, but it makes a big difference in the meaning :D


You could have also said that;
Being a hotel management student, working part-time in your hotel would enable me to gain practical exposure which would compliment my studies in a great way. Also, I would get an opportunity to translate the theory that I learned from my course books on servicing customers while working in your hotel.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: Best farming methodolgy : Current modern or traditional [6]

Hey Arun ... it would be a real pleasure to have you in the team :) That would be cool :)


For example, today the tractors help farmers to plough the soil to condition it for farming. Using tractors for ploughing is much more convenient compared to the olden methods that involved animals.

You write great and I am sure that you are now ready to take it. Concentrate more on other tasks :)

Writing Feedback / 'when the world was created, music was born'; Traditional vs International music [5]

Well, your introduction is the place in your essay where you should introduce your topic to the reader. You've done it only partly here. Your prompt speaks about why we listen to music and there is nothing mentioned in this introduction about that. Also, your final sentence which is "My essay will analyze both sides of this issue" is not really helping you to impress your reader. It is better you conclude your introduction stating your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / Providing financial support for elders is the responsibility of governments or not? [3]

You take the position of disagreeing with the statement. i.e. you hold the view that governments have an obligation to provide financial support for elders. So, in the body paragraphs, you should keep supporting your position. There is no point in discussing the other side of the argument unless your prompt requests you to do so. This prompt is an Agree/ Disagree type and therefore you can take one position and give reasons to justify your position.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Harbour City Tourism [4]

Let's take a look at your introduction;


This task is meant to assess your report writing capability.So you need to adopt a more formal tone in your writing. Things should be said in short and sweet without sounding personal. This is my suggestion;

The bar chart illustrates the percentage values of five different tourism aspects, namely city hotel occupancy,coastal hotel occupancy, adventure tourism, rail travel and air travel, in Harbour City over a 30-year period.

Pick up the major trends and discuss them in the next paragraph (overview)