Research Papers / Research essay: Are zoos necessary? Hundreds of years ago, all animals lived in natural environment. [3]

Hi Nguyen, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website credible, useful as well as helpful to your future writing reference. We aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and objective feedback that will hopefully serve as a valuable addition to your writing projects.

Now, as I read through your essay, it seemed as though you were having difficulty in arranging your words and create a grammatically correct sentence. As this is true to non native speakers of the English language, what helps is to practice writing and even more so, reading whenever you can. This is the only way to get better at this craft, as it will take time, you can also keep notes of writing, wether it be a draft or anything that comes to mind, this is a good way to identify your progress as you move along.

As much as you need revision in most of your sentences, I loved the fact that you wrote the citations alongside the sentences that you extracted from the source of your paper and this is a very good technique in writing your paper. Practice more and I hope to review your final revision and your future writing projects.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the figure for tourists travelling through three major airports in NYC [3]

HI Nururl, here's a few suggestions to your analysis.

- To begin with , in 1995,
- The following years witnessed
- a steadilysteady rise to 50,
- almost a 15M rise over five years.
- Afterwards, iIt t reached
- the peak at roughly 70M in 2000.
- ofthe passengerstravels throughout the period.

- going on by usingthrough John F. Kennedy
- over 20M to approximately 50M .
- However, it decreased forin the following
- 15M to almost 40M during
- the three yearsperiod and then
- it levell ed off in 1998 onwards.

There you have it Nurul, the only thing that I notice in your analysis is that, you miss to put the unit of measurement in the analysis, I understand that you have mentioned this in the beginning of the analysis but it's worth including it side by side your sentences and the figures it represent.

Research Papers / Global sourcing trends and re-shoring [3]

Hi Patrick, I have read and understood your paper, as this is a rough draft, I must say that you are going to the right direction.

The thesis started in a way that you are able to highlight the strong points, the introduction started with a good identification and meaningful background of the thesis or the research project.

Moreover, the process of pointing out the sequence of your thesis is the best way to represent the ideas and the logic of the thesis.

You also used words that are very basic, this assured that the reader will easily understand the paper and the study being conducted.
Overall, the thesis has logic, the emphasis and the process of representing the ideas is clear and straight to the point.

When it comes to your writing technique, you wrote this essay with ease, the sentence structure is polished and the representation of ideas flowed smoothly. The citation however, can still be polished by writing the cited work alongside the sentence that is taken from that source, also, when it comes to your sources make sure that you have all the information necessary to the needed citation of the paper. Make sure that it also credible as this is a thesis paper and a writing project in general.

I hope to review the final paper soon and I wish you keep writing and post it here on EF.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1. Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily [3]

Hi Maxim, here's another take on your analysis.

- founded in 1868 near the main road.
- obtained( mind the tenses of your words ) its - After that,( this phrase is not necessary ) 13 years later,
- and movedmoving to the east.

- Meanwhile a motorway wasis constructed

- ThoughHowever , by the year
- thethis period that
- lasted 126 years and the village
- area increased into about 10 times.

There you have it Maxim, I hope the corrections help and are useful in your future revision. Also, I would like to remind you to be cautious in using your tenses and the form of the words you associate in your essay as this will greatly affect its overall outcome.

Writing Feedback / In prevailing days, it is a ubiquitous concern that there is an ascended dependence on cars. [5]

Hi Azamat, once again, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF and when it comes to the band of the essay, I will only be able to judge it base on how the language rule are used and how you manage to keep the ideas together and the flow of the essay too.

For this, I give you an 8 due to the fact that, I believe you can still strengthen the essay by changing a few words and make it more conversational and basic, this will ensure that your readers are able to understand the essay and this will help them follow through with the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.

Moreover, I believe that using simple words will not only tell your story in a very conversational way, but will also create that light conversation and ambience and this is a very good technique in approaching your readers and create a following on your writing, as it is, it's aways good to have readers and critiques as you go along with getting better at your writing.

Research Papers / Abstract of a scientific paper for power transformer fault diagnosis [4]

Hi Tony, I have read your and understood your paper, as it is a rough draft,I find it written in a way that someone like me is able to understand the process or diagnosis that you are trying to impart to your readers. As most of your readers and contributors here on EF would not know the meanings of scientific words, you are able to come up with a well written and easily understood words to showcase your idea.

Moreover, you know exactly where and how to maneuver your research, meaning, if the particular sentence needs explanation, you do so, in order to send the message across and this is very important when it comes to writing a research paper. You also manage to cover the basics, this way you lay the roots of the study and this is the foundation of the entire paper.

Moving forward, as this is a research paper, mind the citations, the source of the information you include in your essay should be reliable, well gathered and relevant information is the key to a well regarded essay. I hope to review more of your writing projects and should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can assist you further.

Research Papers / Why We Love Scary Stories - Research Paper/Rough Draft [3]

Hi Nicole, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum, we hope that you find this website helpful and useful to your writing materials.
We aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback that is relevant to your essay and may you find us credible towards the final submission of your projects.

Now, going back to your paper, as it is a rough draft, I must say it is a well written one already. You were able to point out the main idea of the task at hand. Moreover, you made sure that the information you presented is valuable, current and realistic to todays world. This is crucial to your writing project, as it is a research paper, it is necessary that you gather the right information, the most credible source and this will be the foundation of your paper. Speaking of credible source, you have to make sure that the citation you note on the paper has the pages, the sequence or the paragraph as well as the number of the sentences you are associating to the paper is included in the citation. It is also a very good approach to incorporate the citation alongside the noted sentences, so good job on that.

I hope to review your final revision soon and best of luck to you. Keep writing and post more of your work here on EF, we will be here to assist you further.

Writing Feedback / Number of students staying in the UK who gained TEFL and Cambridge UCLES CELTA training qualificati [3]

Hi Aulia, here's additional insights to your analysis.

- Overall, it can be seen that total the proportion
- of male students who havehad training

- AsA closer looked at the table,
- both of male who have qualified with TEFL certificate
- h as remained at a similar
- TEFL was alsohas the biggest
- proportion by around a half more than Cambridge

- What'swas more,
- the percentage of male students inwith
-. It was, it drop of around 5%.

There you have Aulia, I hope the corrections above help you in writing the final analysis, for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs, make sure that the links of the verbs coincide with the idea that you are trying to elaborate and discuss in your analysis, this is quiet crucial as the essay you are writing is an analysis and the information should be relevant to the graph or the representation provided.

Writing Feedback / Sensitive issue of smoking bans - smoker and non-smoker have strong argument about their rights. [4]

Hi Marsudi, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the best feedback and relevant as well as necessary tips to improve your writing skills.

What I notice on your essay is the evidence of an unnatural flow of ideas, in writing, you have to be very confident with your words, know what and where you want your ideas should go, more importantly, the thought of the essay should translate exact idea you want your readers to understand.

To elaborate this better, below are my suggestions for the first paragraph of the essay;

- bans becomebecame sensitive
- because smokers and
- need to leave the building
- and the government
- cannot close the tobacco
- industry because it can make their labors becomecause unemployment.

There you have it Marsudi, this is just an example on how you can still enhance your essay, as you can see, there are still a lot of work to be done and I hope you follow through with the suggested corrections.

I will get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Information about the number of students who succeed on their high school test in 2010/2011 [4]

Hi Patric, here are a few corrections for your essay.

- The represented chart illustrates
- the information
- by subjects .

- AtIn the beginning,
- of success amongst all the subjects .
- Despite thethis fact, the boys who
- stood around at 40%, the girlsstudents - similar rate by almost hit 50%, for both gender.

There you have it Patric, I hope the corrections help you formulate an even stronger analysis and for future writing reference, make sure that you mind the tenses of the words, this is crucial in coming up with a well written essay and of course, practice writing as often as you can as this is the only way to get better and master writing techniques.

Writing Feedback / The total number of pupils in the UK who obtained qualifications for English Language Teachers [4]

Hi Novi, here's another take on your analysis.

2nd paragraph
- A closer looked to the table,
- there was a decrease in the total
- of twothe test showed
- thea decrease in

- In contrastOn the contrary , female
- that there wasis a rise
- in the number
- inof total and
- Even thoughtthough ,
- buthowever , it fell in a

There you have it Novi, I hope you will be able to follow through with the corrections made for your analysis. For future writing reference, mind the tenses you use to associate in your sentences as this greatly affects the entire idea of the essay. Should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can assist you further.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 [Problem-Solving] : More working families these days are in favor of fast food [5]

Hi Ramdani, before anything else, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide with the most relevant and accurate feedback to your analysis, essays and general writing projects.

This website is aimed at providing you with support and useful tips on how to better exercise the English language.

Now, as I read through your essay, I notice that the words you associate to your essay is somehow, not corresponding to the idea that you would like your readers to understand.Well, this is absolutely fine as you are still practicing and you have taken the first step to write this essay, this only means that you want to get better and you have the courage to tackle the task.

To better understand what I mean, here's some suggestions below;

- beca me popular
- to urbandwith urban citizens
- as it is instant to ateeat and
- they have not moredon't have time to cook.

There you have Ramdani, I hope the insight I shared means to you, I wish to help you further with the other paragraphs, however, I want to show you first how it's done thats why I just corrected the first one.

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Writing Feedback / TABLE - TEFL and Cambridge UCLES CELTA & other degrees for students living in the UK [3]

Hi Patric, below are my suggestions to your analysis.

- The represented table reveals information
- about the total amountcount ( I believe this word is more applicable in the idea you are trying to convey in your sentence) - male as their focus point( this word is not necessary ) .

- AtIn the beginning, inof - the period 2007/2008 ( we have established the period we are referring to, so the emphasis is already given ),
- whichthat experienced
- a smallshort decline t

There you have it Patric, I took the first 2 paragraphs of the analysis, so you can see the revision and the suggested corrections, this way you can also make the necessary changes for the remaining part of the analysis. Remember. be cautious with the verb forms, the words you choose and your overall sentence construction as this greatly affects the idea and the understanding you have of the table and don't forget to post the revised analysis soon.

Writing Feedback / Girls did better than boys in almost all of the competency exams subjects, besides geography. [2]

Hi Nurul, here's another take on your analysis.

- The represented chart providespresents the information
- completely done withby the
- compared by the sexesgender ( I believe this is a more appropriate word for this idea ) .
- In briefBriefly , girls achieved
- higher grades than boys
-with the only exception isof geography subject .

- MoveMoving to the details ,
- over than 40% of both gender
- There was a slightly differentis a slight difference in foreign
- than one percent. "percent" - is one word )
- ButHowever ( avoid using "but" in the beginning of your sentences ) ,
- a significant gap forof girl and boy
- subject,at 4.2% approximately.

- studentsmore passes the subject
- othermore than male,. ( you can close the sentence at this point and start a new one )
- InOn the other hand, in geography,
- more than 30% of males successsucceed in the exam
- compared to girls who only get less than a quarter.

There you have it Nurul, I hope you find the corrections helpful and useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: two main parts in the steam production: nuclear reactor and the heat exchanger. DIAGRAM [3]

Hi Aulia, here's a closer look at your analysis.

- that the steam process
- is producesproduced by using
- two mains parts in this

- As closer looked at the diagrams,
- which is enteredwhere the cooling
- gas goes through is the
- Gas in theIn this process
- gas has a continuous - circulation continually .

- The second part is the heat exchanger.
- to befrom the stream
- enter topass through a heat exchanger
- water changingand change it to stream.

- As it can be seen,
- the water changes to steam.

There you have it Aulia, I hope the corrections made are useful to your revision, for future writing reference, mind your sentence construction and practice or ficus on the sequence of ideas you input in your essay.

Undergraduate / YSEALI is an opportunity to learn, experience and bring value to all others. [2]

Hi Tran, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, may this website bring you answers to your queries and guide you to discovering better techniques in answering prompts. We aim at providing you with the most accurate response as well as reviews to your essays and general writing reference.

Moreover, may this website teach you the value of using and exercising the English language in a way that it is understood properly and practiced in a way that it also helps the reader learn other approach in expressing ideas and thoughts in writing.

Moving forward, I have read and understood your essay and indeed, the essay is not stating its purpose. What I mean is that, we normally include the prompt or the task given, this is on order for the contributors and editors ,to know which part of the essay to focus on and what approach to use in correcting and providing feedback for your essay. At this point, as we don't have any basis as to what and how to modify the essay, I must say you were able to come up with a well written essay about YSEALI and if your purpose is to introduce YSEALI to your readers, then you did a great job.

I hope you follow through and post the task or at least explain the target goal for this essay, this way we will be able to assist you better.

Writing Feedback / In prevailing days, it is a ubiquitous concern that there is an ascended dependence on cars. [5]

Hi Azamat, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, may you find this website helpful as well as useful in your writing reference.

We strive to provide the most accurate and relevant feedback to your
writing articles and we hope that you follow through with the given suggestions, however, the corrections and modifications we provide are mere suggestions and it's still up to you to cover them in your revision, know that we have the same goal as you are, for you to become better, if not the best at this craft.

Now, when it comes to your essay, I must say it's well written, you manage to come up with a very solid foundation of your idea, from the introduction down to the conclusion, your essay is written in such a way that the reader knows exactly where the essay is going and the idea you are trying to cast out.

For future writing reference, try to stick to basis conversational English words, sometimes big words or non-conversational words, meaning, words that are not use in everyday conversation can greatly affect the overall outcome of the essay.

There you have it Azamat, I hope the insights help and I wish to review more of your writing soon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1 - MAP - Nuclear Reactor. The making process of steam using a gas-cooled nuclear reactor. [3]

Hi Patric, here's a few suggestions for your analysis.

- The represented diagram below illustrates
- the process of making
- process ofa steam
- The making process of

- TheInside the reactor inside ,
- however,it has ana - uranium fuel elements ,
- inthe outside, the reactor itself
- linked tothe outside of it.

- AtIn the beginning,
- the hot gas inside the tube will pass

There you have it Patric, as you can see, there's still a lot of work to be done in this analysis and one thing that you have to focus is your sentence construction, this is very crucial so you have to be very careful and learn it as you write your revision and future writing projects.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 ; Qualifications for English Language Teachers obtained 2007/8 and 2008/9, UK [3]

Hi Furqada, the analysis you made is written fairly well, you made sure that the information transpired in your essay. The details of your analysis is also clearly elaborated in this writing. The words you choose are direct and precise, this is very important when it comes to this type of writing as the details are very crucial in order to understand the analysis.

Now, as mentioned, you have a fairly written essay, however, I noticed that some of the verb forms that you use are past tense, when it should be present tense, this is very important when it comes to creating a well constructed essay. What you need to do is to review the language rules again and remind yourself of the verb tenses, this review will definitely help you come up with a stronger analysis.

There you have it Furqada, I hope you follow through with the suggested modifications and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The presented diagram depicts the steam production process using a gas cooled nuclear reactor [3]

Hi Novi, here's my take on your analysis.

- Also, itIt can also

- A closer looked to the diagram,
- through a water circulator
- up into a steam
- After thathis process, t it flows
- The reactor machine is contains
- of six essential part,
- which are uranium element
- charge tubes stickinginserted into
- themthe machine .

There you have it Novi, I hope you will be able to follow through with the corrections made, you have to focus on the form of words that you use in your analysis, this is the key to write a better essay and to strengthen your approach on writing. The techniques of writing is learned as you practice writing and taking notes is also a very effective way of keeping your progress.

Should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to contact us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - How many people used 3 major airports in NYC during their travel? [2]

Hi Febriyani, here's another take on your analysis.

- travelers who used three
- of passenger numbers of passengers over
- thatthe 6-year period.

- thatwho used Newark
- and since( this phrase is redundant ) henceforth
- it remained in a similar number
- steadilyon a steady phase .
- By contrastOn the contrary ,
- the amounts of people who
- flightfly through
- thatthis half a dozen
- year period were fluctuativefluctuated .
- It rose from 20s million travell ers

There you have it Febriyani, I hope the remarks and modifications help.
For future writing reference, mind your sentence construction and make sure that you are able to understand the analysis yourself, otherwise if you don't understand it, your readers will never get the idea too.

Writing Feedback / Prospective parents should be required to get licenses to have children. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Hi Abdhulay, first of all, I would like to warn you that I will not be able to put a score on your essay as I'm not an IELTS administrator or a officer, anyhow, I would love provide you with the most accurate and needed insights for your essay.

Overall, the argument you pointed is well written, you manage to showcase a relevant essay and the information you included are very detailed and elaborated well. You also made sure that the words you choose are simple and

easy to understand and this helps the readers to better follow through with the argument.

Moreover, the flow of the sentences into paragraphs and paragraphs into the entire essay is very smooth. You can definitely tell a continuous idea from top to bottom. I hope to review more of your essays and though I may not be an IELTS expert, I would rate your essay with an 8, base on how well you presented your arguments and the overall analysis and representation of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 1- The imprisonment percentage comparison between man and woman [5]

Hi Novu, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family!
Now, here's my take on your analysis.

- man and womanmale and female ( I believe this is more appropriate to this analysis ) is revealed
- byin the
- years ending in 1994.
- that the public drinking was
- the most common reason

- wasis ( mind the tenses that you use in your words ) - the most argument of commitin committing a crime, - whichwhere women saw
- when manmen are above 30%.
- inis drink driving
- showed manthat are committed by men more than woman. T
- no answer thatwas revealed

There you have it Novu, I hope the corrections are helpful towards your revision. Mind the form of your subject, you might want to change your "man" to "men" and "woman" to "women", as we are referring to a number of them in this analysis, also, mind your punctuation marks, as you notice, it seemed as though punctuation marks does not exist in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of the pass rate in the student competency test based on subjects and genders 2010-11 [2]

Hi Furqanda, here's another take on your analysis.

- of the pass( no need to indicate timeline ) rate
- in theon student
- hadhas a significant
- pass rate which wasis ( mind your tenses )

- languages whichthat obtained
- better results in history
- which gotthat received 25, 6 %,

- In the chemistry, Girls had

There you have it for me Furqanda, overall, it is a fairly written analysis, you just have to follow through a few suggested modifications. Remember, however minor the corrections are, it definitely strengthens the analysis and will give you a better look at your writing. I hope top review more of your analysis and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here to assist you further.

Writing Feedback / MIX CHART- Number of people who broke the law in the couple years ending 1994 and reasons of it [3]

Hi Patric, here's another take on your analysis.

- The represented graphs reveal the
- endedending in 1994.
-The pie charts show the comparison
- of haul for( avoid using the same words in your analysis or any writing task )
- both sexes and the graph provides( we have already established the subject, so you can stop mentioning the graph )
- males are the most ( most and frequently - redundant )

- AtIn the beginning,
- waswere arrested compared
- to the one
- uncaught of females who were not arrested was

- A closer look toat the second graph,
- the reason inof public drinking
- led by female inat 7%.

There you have it Patric, I hope the corrections are useful in the revision of your analysis.For future writing reference, mind the format of your words as well as the linking verbs you use in your sentences as this directly affects the entire analysis.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Editorial - The Rise of a Phoenix [9]

Hi Antione, first of all, I loved reading your essay, it is very entertaining, you made me aware that essays can be a good writing piece to read when you run out of books to read, not that it's the last resort but, you definitely nailed a very informative essay here. Informative in a way that makes your readers think that hey!, this can be done and one way or another, I can make a change!

Now, when it comes to your writing techniques, obviously, you manage to come up with a good, smooth flow of ideas in the essay, you have a clear directive as to where the essay is going and you made sure that the readers are able to comprehend the idea that you are trying to convey in your essay.You even proofed read your essay, which is quiet unusual for writers here on EF, so thumbs up on that.

I believe what made your essay stand out from all there is that I didn't find from other essays, is that, the words you choose, to elaborate your ideas are very conversational, relaxed, it's not like other writing pieces where the student is trying so hard to impress the readers, they forget what they wrote the essay for.

Once again, it is a well written essay, I h[ope you continue writing and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Scholarship / Objectives upon completion of degree / Contribution to the home country as an effect of scholarship. [8]

Hi Sawsana, here's a few minor modifications;

- mind the capitalization of certain words such as "I", it may be just a letter but as you know, it's a very powerful letter, it can stand alone and it says more than it represents.

- "I am always trying", I suggest we change this to - "I strive to", I believe this is more appropriate to your essay.

- "At present I have only just ", change this to - " I have recently ", this phrase can give a rather formal emphasis on your essay.

Moving forward, I believe you manage to come up with a much stronger essay, I also notice that you have come to a smooth progress from the previous writing that you showed here on EF and I hope you follow through.

Good luck in your submission, do let us know what happens, we would love to hear from you. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The monthly expenditure numbers among Australian households in dollars per month [3]

Hi Nurul, here's another take on your analysis.

- in dollars per month between

- andthis findings predominated
- a 5-dollar riseraise in ten years.

- f rom 70 to 45 atwith the remaining of time.

There you have it Nurul, as you can see, there's not much corrections needed in this analysis.
I must say it is written well, you were able to showcase an accurate analysis, the details are well elaborated
and more importantly, the facts are very evident to the analysis, you made sure that the figures also transpired
in the flow of the essay, the sequence is very clear, this assured the smooth delivery of information through out the essay.

Good job! Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Four different vehicles popularity and several reasons why people travel by car in the Edmonton city [3]

Hi Nurul, here's some additional insights to the analysis.

- The pie chart compares the utilizingutilization of four
- different vehicles andin
- the given table, it illustrates several
- figure forof using cars was
- by far the greatest of transport utilization.
- Most of people go on a trip
- by using a car is due to work commute .

- moremost popular transport
- 10% of the whole proportion.

- people prefers a car going
- to the other places because
- activities has seen the least proportion,

There you have it Nurul, I hope the additional remarks helped in your revision and for future writing reference, mind the words you use in the essay, the for of the words you choose also matters and effectively affects the overall impact of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of fliers who use three main airports in New York City - IELTS Writing Task 1 [3]

Hi Akmal, here's my take on your analysis;

- used three main airports
- most of the time, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) travelers
- were usually airborne
- were more infrequent departedto depart from Newark airport

- LaGuardia'spassenger's
- number of passenger
- growthgrew gradually from
- continued stableits stability to the end
- of ofthe period.

- Indicates inconstantThe proportion
- indicated an inconsistent risepeaked
- by 48 per cent in 1997 compared to LaGuardia
- waswere no significant challenges
- bywith the Newark passenger's

There you have it Akmal, I hope you find the corrections above as helpful to your analysis as it is aimed to be.
For future writing reference, mind the forms of the words you use in your sentences, as this affects the overall impact of your analysis.

Writing Feedback / In this 21st century many families are drifting apart. Is maintaining family a fruitless gesture? [3]

Hi Teck, after reading and understanding your essay, I must say it is a good read, a well written one indeed.
I loved the fact that you were able to incorporate your own opinion to the essay as well as the facts that you are able to gather in

your research.

The only thing that I would suggest is that, you cluster your sentences into bold paragraphs in order to keep the sentences together and follow through the idea, this way you can present the information as a whole and not as a double spaced sentences. Also, don't trick your sentences in writing with double space to lengthen it, keep it short, direct to the point and in this way, your ideas will be the one to strengthen and lengthen your essay.

I hope the insights help in your revision and should you need further assistance do let us know and we will be here to assist yo, remember it is not the length of the essay that matters, it's the idea behind it that will carry the essay along.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of education level among women in 1945 - 1995 [3]

Hi Nurul, here are some additional insights for your analysis.

- aover halfa century period.
- rise sawwas achieved by women
- who schooledstudied at the first degree level,
- finished until the third grade saw a downward trend.

- women schooledwho studied at the
- the year 12 and postgraduate

- women who are non schooling
- dissapeardisappeared ( be careful with your spelling, turn on your spell checker at all times )
- the year 6 year experienced a 15%-decrease.
- The change was seen constantly in the remaining groups,

There you have it Nurul, I hope the remarks above helped in the revision of your analysis.
This is a fairly written essay, you just have to focus on the word forms that you incorporate in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Ratio of the Highest Education Level of Women in 1945 and 1995 [3]

Hi Fibriyani, below is my take on your analysis.

- the ratio of the highest level of
- education of women in some land in ( someland - two different words )
- proportion of the highest level of
- to in 50 years earlier, especially in the most dominant one( this phrase is not necessary) .

- ByIn 1995, the percentage of women
- who attended tothe university level
- upturnturn up of 49% compared
- shared between non schooling
- thosethis levels of education along
- with 6 years of education
- dropped drastically toand hit

- figure at 20% in 1995, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) while
- 1945. Andand ( try not to start your sentence with the word "and") so did the
- level thatwhere the proportion

There you have it Fibriyani, I hope the corrections and insights above help in your revision.
Overall, your analysis is fairly written, a little polish on the construction of the sentence will help make it stronger.

Scholarship / Objectives upon completion of degree / Contribution to the home country as an effect of scholarship. [8]

Hi Sawsana, it's indeed a pity that you were not able to send out your essay, it could've been a good one.
Well, not to grieve on things that has passed already, look forward to an even brighter future and never hesitate to continue writing and better yourself in this craft.

Now, when it comes to your writing, I believe you still need a lot of practice on sentence construction, you tend to pour all your ideas in one sentence that you forget to elaborate them, input details and more importantly, add the essence of the idea you are trying to incorporate in your sentences. This can definitely improve with the help of practice, a day to day practice writing will let you see how you progress in your sentence assembly and the overall grammar and flow of the essay.

Lastly, as you are practicing, compile your drafts in a folder or a notebook, this way you will be able to notice which part of your practice needs help, improvement and you will be able to do the necessary changes. This will also greatly help in coming up with better approacg in the essays to come.

Research Papers / The mind power of music: how can we use it to make a better living for ourselves [4]

Hi Dante, you have quiet a name here on the Essay Forum, WELCOME to the family, we hope that you will be able to find this website as useful and helpful as it is aimed at providing you with the most credible and reliable source of reference.

When it comes to this research, I would recommend that you cluster your sentences into paragraphs, this way there is a uniform presentation of the research paper. The citation can also be incorporated in the essay by writing it beside the information, this way it will be easier for the reader to comprehend and relate to the information provided in the study.

Overall, I believe it's a well written research, you manage to come with all the necessary information needed in the study and this is very crucial to the paper, I hope you follow through with the suggested remarks and insights and I hope to review more of your essays and research papers soon.

Undergraduate / My mother is my model - she has had the greatest influence on my life [3]

Hi Trin, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, may you find this website helpful as well as useful to your writing references and should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to contact us and we will be here for you.

Here's my take on your essay;

- The person who
- She is not only child bearingdid not only conceived and delivered me but
- also rearingtook care of me in every way she can .
- However, she takes care me caringlyWith her busy schedule, she's still able to take care of me .
- She is sacrificedwoman .
- She spends all her time
- ofto her life for family.

There you have it Trin, I hope the remarks helped and you follow through.
Do let us know should you need further assistance in this essay and for future reference.

Undergraduate / Nepal is a lovely place to live in but can't provide a proper study environment - Canada Embassy SOP [7]

hi Rachana, there's nothing to be confused about, remember, the length of the SOP does not determine your faith in this application. The true purpose of your application that you will incorporate in your essay, is the one that will stand out in your essay and this is the one where you're suppose to focus on.

As mentioned, the lack of details in your essay is the one that needs a little revision. Moreover, the grammar also needs a little bit of polishing. The verbs and words you used conveys the message you want to send in this essay and this is definitely great, however, this words cannot stand alone without the overall impact and idea of your essay so you should be cautious.

I do hope to review your revision and focus on the essay, its purpose and the aftermath of this application, the length, however, should be kept into maximum of one full page or 3 paragraphs with a focus on your academic endeavors and achievements. Best of luck to you and keep writing !

Writing Feedback / The maps indicate the changes of the village in Stokeford in two specific year of 1930 and 2010. [6]

Hi Dama, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, we do hope our help will go a long way, not only to your essays but to all your future writing reference.

Moreover, I would like to suggest one thing, note your progress, what I mean is, when you write something, draft it in a notebook or something where you will be able to compile it, this way you will be able to trace your progress and see how you manage to improve on your writing skills.

Lastly, practice proof reading your own work, one practice that I do is reading my sentences aloud, when something sounds off, that means that there is something wrong and the sentence needs to be changed or modified.

There you have it Dama, I hope to review more of your essays, practice and determination to the craft is the key to be successful.

Letters / I am driven to make significant contributions to the NUS community and the society at large. Appeal. [3]

Hi Jessia, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website credible, useful and effectively important to your writing articles.

We do strive to provide you with the most accurate, comprehensive and objective criticism in order for you to gain confidence and effectiveness at this craft.

Now, I believe this letter is well written. You manage to make your purpose known to the admission staff,then again, your words will need actions, however, upon reading and examining the heart or the idea of the letter, I must say that it is written in a sense that you want to prove your point, of getting better at this craft and in showing the institution that you will definitely strive to be worthy of the second chance.

Moreover, a letter of appeal will only be proven in days to come and there's only one thing that you have to do,practice, practice all the learning you get out this chance to further your education and you will be the best you can be, keep writing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- reading newspapers and magazines is the best way to learn a foreign country? [3]

Hi Victoria, here's my thoughts on your essay.
First of all, it's a good read, somehow you manage to make your point, you used the most simple words you can associate to the essay, this way it well received and comprehensive.

However, this doesn't mean that all the words are in their correct form, say for example the word "Enhanceing", or phrases like "Multimedia is content", this words and phrases need to be polished in order for the essay to be well constructed, I believe the changes will bring much more strength to the essay.

There you have it Victoria, I hope the insights helped an d should you need further assistance, you can always count on us here on EF. I wish to review the revised essay soon.