Writing Feedback / The contribution of three different sectors to the UK economy; 'agriculture 50%' [8]


the changes in the contribution




five percent


In 1950



in 2000


was the lowest figure throughout the period

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The number of men and women in further education in Britain [2]


The bar charts illustrate the changes in the number of men and women who undertook full-time and part-time further education in Britain in three separate periods.

"Amount" is used for uncountable nouns.


Overall, there was an increase in the number of students of both genders who studied part-time. While full-time male student numbers dropped slightly , the corresponding figures for female rose gradually over the given periods.


In the first chart,


There were 1 million full-time male students in 1970/71



Then it rose steadily to approximately 900 000 at the last period.


The number of men studying part-time jumped from just under 100 000 in 1970/71 to over 200 000 in 1990/91.


Likewise

Writing Feedback / 'heat-debated topic'; Everyone has the right to get university education? [5]


Whether the government should provide free tertiary education (or not) has become a heat-debated topic.


students' marks


In my opinion, not only "free" education can help students to attain valuable knowledge but also higher education in general does. In fact, I think free university will guarantee the opportunity to attend university for more students, especially those having financial problems.

Writing Feedback / Cambridge English IELTS 9, Test 1; island/ tourist facilities [5]


The two given maps illustrates the changes of an island after the development of tourism.


This sentence could be separated to form an overview paragraph.


Before the construction, there were only some trees and a beach on the west of the island.


Tourists were able to swim at the beach


Many huts were built at the center of the island near the two rows of trees.


You could use relative clause to merge this idea with your previous one:Many huts were built at the center of the island near the two rows of trees, which were connected by footpaths.


Don't use "you" in your academic writing.
The island was made more accessible with the construction of a pier where boats could launch. It was linked with the reception and the restaurant by a short road.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Adult educational survey report [15]


Hi, Sekar! I told you this because I'm afraid that these phrases do not add much value to your paragraph. I think you could start your body paragraph directly with the features of the chart you are going to describe. For example, in your first body, you could say: Individuals are thought to share the highest proportion of education fees with 40%.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Adult educational survey report [15]


The bar chart provides information about the reasons for studying of adults and the pie chart illustrates how tuition fees should be shared among individuals, employers and taxpayers.


You don't need to give data in the overview paragraph. You had better save it for your next paragraph, where you just mention the percentages of the other two subjects.

Overall, the majority of adults tend to study due to their interest in subject while individuals should be responsible for the highest proportion of educational fees.


I find this phrase kinda redundant.


,


,


You could omit all these phrases.


You don't have to have a separate paragraph about this feature. It should be placed in your previous paragraph so that you could compare with other proportions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - why adults decide to study; shared cost of each course [6]


Don't reuse the words given in the prompt. Try to paraphrase them:
The bar chart illustrates seven motivating factors in adult education in percentage terms. The pie chart presents data concerning the contribution to the tuition fees of individuals, employers and taxpayers.




while the reason for meeting other people accounts for the lowest proportion.


40% of adults decide to study because of their interest in subject



The proportions of those who study to improve the prospects of promotion and enjoy learning are equal, with 20% each.


The percentages of the other two reasons are slightly lower, with 12% for people who want to change jobs and 9% for meeting other people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Emigration intentions, Bulgarian aged 15-60, 2001 & 2006 [9]



This part could be omitted.


temporarily/for a short time

Writing Feedback / Should wealthy nations be required to share among poorer; education and food - government [7]


Developing countries are confronted with a number of issues, notably famine and illiteracy.


They are not related to this topic.


Also, you should include your own opinion in the introduction.


They are irrelevant to the topic. You should focus on food and education.


In fact, this paragraph should explain why poor countries should be responsible for their own citizens. These developed countries are able to handle their responsibility well.



The comma is incorrect. Although is not followed by a comma.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]




However is an inappropriate word. You could use "Also" instead.


You should mention the ages of the groups.






This sentence could be removed.



This sentence is pretty confusing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]


I feel that the first sentence does not clarify the main trends of the chart. Also, you don't have to give data in the overview paragraph.

Overall, the percentage of people who cite career as their main reason is significantly higher among younger age groups while older age groups study mainly for interest purpose. Likewise, employees under 30 years old receive the highest amount of employer support.


You should mention the age of these groups.


This sentence adds no value to your paragraph.
Here you describe some features of both charts in body 1 and some other features of both in body 2. This makes your flow of ideas and contents somewhat disorganized. I think you should mention the main trends of the first chart in the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph should be about the trends of the other chart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying at university to be successful? Yes, but it is not main decisive element. [6]


Maybe your sentence was not clear and the moderator replaced it with a more meaningful one. Anyway, the prompt that Dumi and Pahan mentioned above is not that title only. This is the prompt that you should have posted with your essay:

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

You can see that it wasn't included in your thread. Also, don't use "you" in academic writing.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers? YES! 'mother always give you motivation, and love' [13]

You should include the full prompt of the essay so that we can give you more meaningful comments.


This has grammatical issues and is quite confusing, especially the bold part as it doesn't explain why parents play such an important role?


Again, I don't get your idea here.
You had better revise your grammar carefully as I found many grammtical mistakes in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing: The high sales of popular consumer goods/ advertising as extremely powerful tool [15]

This is it:



It is better if you write a sentence about your own opinion in the introduction.


competition


"We" should be replaced by "Companies"


There is just one "p" -> opinion
Your two body paragraphs do not clarify the power of advertising or why advertising does not reflect real demands. In each body, you should state the reason first, then give explanations and examples to support it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Expenditure on fast food by Income groups in UK; hamburger and pizza [6]


The bar chart compares the expenditure of three income groups of Britain on three types of fast foods in 1990.


Overall, hamburger was the most popular fast food of both high and average income groups while low income group spent more on fish and chips than the other two foods.


,


I don't think you should use these sentence on all essays because they are not appropriate with all given charts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying in univ. or finding a job? High education prospects a successful career [5]


High education and higher education do not have similar meanings. Higher education means education beyond high school such as at college and university level.
Also, I'm not sure if "prospect" is the right word in this case. As far as I'm concerned, prospect as a verb means searching for something desirable or finding out or exploring things such as minerals.





This has many grammatical mistakes.
Financial dependence leads to low self-esteem of some young people

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The same money for sport activities or libraries? They assemble money from learner [7]


Universities are places where students can acquire a large amount of worthwhile knowledge.


This part is pretty confusing. What is your final opinion on this statement?


You don't have to capitalize the first letter of university as it is not a proper noun.
Also, you should pay careful attention to your grammar!

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career [8]




find it hard to secure a job


I find these two sentences are not coherent with the paragraph.


have a better future career prospect.



This sentence depicts the same idea as your previous sentence.


You could give an example of how knowledge from university or college are required in workplace, such as data processing skill or presentation skill, which I think is more convincing.


I have to reiterate that students who choose to continue to study further after their graduation are more likely to have a successful career.

Writing Feedback / Begin learning EL at primary rather than secondary school?Advantages outweigh disadvantage [4]


In the age of globalization, English plays a more prominent role than ever before.


I find these questions unnecessary.


In my opinion, studying English since primary schools is more beneficial to children.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial discovery in last 100 years - internet invention; many impacts [7]


If you use "today's", "contemporary" becomes redundant.


The prompt asks you about the most beneficial discovery in the last 100 years. However, your essay is about the Internet, which is an invention. As far as I'm concerned, their meanings are not similar:

- Discovery is finding out or figuring out something that already exists.
- Invention is using objects that preexist to create something new that is first of its kind.

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career [8]


It is better if you state your opinion right in the introduction.


By doing so, they are able to become financially independent from their parents as soon as possible.


You should pay attention to the consistent use of nouns and possessive adjectives.


they decided to secure a job and start earning for their living


Do you mean that money brings them happiness?


they still have to rely on their parents due to financial constraints.


the number of


You should explain why higher education will lead to a better future. This sentence just repeats the idea of your previous sentence.


This is not always true as far as I'm concerned.


This is not about educated or non-educated people, but about whether graduates should continue to study or start a career after school.

Writing Feedback / IELS - A cheap air travel? advantage/ disadvantage; overweight - safety considerations [4]


You should open a new thread to post your essay rather than posting in an available post!


airline companies offer cheap flight prices to customers




a low salary

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Expenditure on fast food by Income groups in UK; hamburger and pizza [6]


"Decrease" and "Increase" are used to describes changes of a subject with times. However, in this essay, you have to compare expenditures of three groups of people so comparative and superlative adjectives should be used.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: full-time education for young people 18 and below; agree or disagree [5]


should always be given priority by students


, which usually leads to their poor academic results


You could start a new sentence from here to avoid a too lengthy one.


do not
Don't use contractions in your essay


These words sound a bit informal to me. You could use "solve the problems" instead.
You write very well and the ideas are clearly presented :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS PART 1 - Car ownership in Britain 1971-2007 [5]

Don't worry, Hung! You presented the ideas clearly and just made a few grammatical mistakes. Keep on practicing and you will surely improve :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS PART 1 - Car ownership in Britain 1971-2007 [5]


Ok but you should attach the graph with your essay :)


The graph illustrates the changes in British car ownership from 1971 to 2007.


Overall, most of the households owned one car during the period. While there was an increase in the percentage of households owning at least two cars, the proportion of households without a car declined rapidly.




The proportions of households having two cars or above were significantly lower


owning/who owned

Writing Feedback / IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 [8]

The pie charts compare the populations of different age groups of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050 in percentage terms.


You could separate this part from your introduction to make an overview paragraph.


the percentage/proportion of people

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]


The chart compares annual Gross Domestic Product (GDP) growth rates of wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers in four consecutive decades.


This overview paragraph is not clear.
Overall, wealthy countries experienced a decrease in their GDP growth rates, as opposed to globalisers whose rates increased significantly during the period. Meanwhile, there was a fluctuation in average GDP growth rates of non-globalisers.


Non-globalisers' rate rose gradually from 2.5% in the 1960s to around 3% a decade later. However, it plummeted to less than 1% in the 1980s before a slight recovery at the end of the period.




,


I think in the first body paragraph, you should make comparisons between two opposite trends of wealthy countries and globalisers, and the second body paragraph is to describe the fluctuation of non-globalisers. This will be more aligned with the overview.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly? [12]


It is much better to state your opinion clearly in the introduction.


You should start your body paragraph with a direct reason why some elderly people are living in retirement homes. This sentence seems a bit off-topic.


Most people are so busy pursuing their business that they have little or no time to spend with their parents. That is why some of them even have to send their parents to nursing homes, citing it is the only way to guarantee these elders will be taken care of.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 (Line Chart) - Goods Transported by Four Modes of Transport. [4]




The comma here could be omitted.


After a slight increase in 1998, it reached a peak of more than 65 million in 2002.


Compared to/In comparison with


This sentence lacks a subject.
Meanwhile, the latter experienced a decade of fluctuation prior to finishing the period at 40 million.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite) [4]


the number of female members


I think female membership experienced an upward trend during this time as it nearly doubled its 1970 figure after 10 years. Also, this make your next words "continued the fluctuation" not very logical to me.


This part is not very necessary. Instead, you could add one more sentence in your overview. For example, male membership surpassed the corresponding figure for women in the majority of the years within the period, with the exception of 1985 and 2000.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite) [4]


The chart compares the number of female and male members of a fitness club between 1970 and 2000.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: The population growth! each period of time had different leaders [5]


The column chart compares population growth rates in twelve cities over a 25-year period.


This could be separated to form an overview paragraph. Also, the bold part is quite confusing.


,


If you use "First and foremost", "To begin with" seems to be redundant.


There was a significant increase in the population of all cities from 1975 to 2000.
I feel that your ideas are quite disorganized. You should follow Pahan's suggestion on the structure of this task and reorganize your ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Total UK School Spendings! [4]


three years/three separate years


was spent on


This part is unnecessary


were expended


were 15% each.


while the latter made up 23% of total school spending in 2001


the proportion of insurance expenditure remained stable for the first ten years prior to rising to 8% in 2001.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should whistle blowers be immune from punishment? [3]


have to be imprisoned
I don't think "put to jail" means that they have to spend the rest of their life in prison.


protected from danger


However
"Although" can't stand alone at the beginning of a sentence, with a comma after it.

Writing Feedback / Analysis of a questionnaire on kids activities - IELTS writing task 1 sample: Pie Graph [5]


I think you should start your detailed paragraphs with the highest or lowest figures as they are the most remarkable features and may catch our attention first. Then you could continue with other smaller features.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1; The consequence of a survey of grown up person education [5]


I feel that this sentence is not necessary. Although it is shown in the prompt that the charts are the results of a survey, it is the data from the charts that you should focus on.


of adult students


You should include main features of both the bar chart and the pie chart in this overview paragraph.


The comma after "study" should be omitted.



taxpayers should share 25% of total costs of education, which is 10% lower than the corresponding figure for employers.


I think this sentence should be written first in the fourth paragraph as it is the most significant feature.
Individuals should be responsible for the highest percentage of tuition fees with 40%.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Subway system in six major countries [5]


The table compares six underground railway systems in terms of opening date, total length of route and passenger numbers per year.


Kyoto's subway has the shortest route and lowest number of passengers


I think this part adds no value to your sentence.


This sentence has grammatical mistakes.
The latest system of the six is in Los Angeles, which is inaugurated in 2001 and responsible for carrying 50 million passengers annually over the route of 28 kilometers.


Actually, there are four systems established in the twentieth century.
You should pay attention to your grammar!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Australian children leisure activity [5]


The given bar chart compares the participation of Australian boys and girls aged 5 -14 in five leisure activities in percentage terms.


watching television is the most popular activity among boys and girls.


skateboarding or rollerblading accounts for the lowest proportion of both genders.

Writing Feedback / Analysis of a questionnaire on kids activities - IELTS writing task 1 sample: Pie Graph [5]


The two pie charts compare the participation of Australian children of both gender in percentage terms.


This could form a separate overview paragraph.
Overall, the majority of activities girls are involved in are different from those of boys, with the exception of reading and listening to music. Likewise, while dancing is the most popular activity among girls, computer games account for the highest proportion of boys' participation.

Your essay has only 140 words, less than the required total number of words. Also, you should reorganize your ideas by stating the most significant features of the charts first and going into details afterwards.