Undergraduate / One employment opportunity - it's impact and the greatest learning outcome for me [2]

As of the moment, what I think is implied in the essay is that you are a self-centered person who doesn't like being ignored or given a position that you feel diminishes your skills and participation. That, is not something you want the reviewer to think about you. The first paragraph clearly shows that you did not enjoy your time with the orchestra because you were not allowed to perform as you wished to. So it would be impossible for you to have found a learning experience from it.

Rather than focusing in the negative, why not focus on what you learned regarding being at the back of the stage with the rest of the players? What made it special for you later on? Would you say you learned some valuable lessons regarding team work, individuality, or the importance of each participant, regardless of his position on the team? If you can successfully explain the lessons you learned and how it helped you develop a wider perspective that allowed you to develop a different aspect of your personality then the essay will take on a more positive note and enhance your image with the reviewer.

You don't need the last 2 sentences in the presentation. Those are throwaways that do not add to the learning experience from the past that you are being asked to focus your discussion on.

Undergraduate / UW AIF Part B: Question 4. Data Science / Machine Learning [2]

This statement is meant to get to know you beyond your interest in Data Science and Machine Learning. I believe that the statement would be stronger if you could just discuss your other activity as a journalist and leave the part about the IBM certification out of it. That portion should be included in a different essay or statement response, one that is directly related to your discussion of your chosen course. Instead, focus on building your discussion regarding your hobby as a blogger and why you feel it has helped prepare you for further studies in this course. You don't have to mention that you are not pursuing a journalism career. Instead, discuss how the hobby has allowed you the opportunity to develop skills that you feel will help you succeed as a student under this course choice.

Writing Feedback / Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because ... [3]

Your task response is incorrect. The method by which you discussed the essay shows that you only partially agree with the given prompt statement. However, your explanation in the introduction implies that you have a full disagreement with the given prompt. The mistake stemmed from your inability to recognize that the prompt is an "extent" prompt and therefore, requires a measured response of "fully, totally, or partially", to name but a few measured emotional extent words that you could have used. As such, you will not get a very high TA score. There is also the problem of your addiction to comma usage. Learn to use a mix of short and long sentences for a better GRA score. Avoid using commas to connect ideas and thoughts in a sentence whenever possible. Overuse of the comma can adversely affect the GRA score.

Letters / Motivation Letter for a Machine Learning Master at a Swedish University [3]

The motivation letter did not come full circle. An effective motivation letter would have presented the motivation at the start and ended with a concluding paragraph that brings the academic studies back to how your studies will help you address your motivation for academic improvement. This letter failed to do that. It also does not address any academic accomplishments in relation to your undergraduate studies that would prove your ability to observe, research, experiment, and conclude a masters thesis. Since you mentioned that this practically a career change for you, it is important that you discuss what those 4 data science courses were and how each subject further heightened your interest in the topic. Such explanation would show the progression of your interest in machine learning and, in reference to your specific grades in each subject, prove that you have the intelligence to complete the masters courses. Expand more on the company project that you headed in relation to machine learning. The essay has a good foundation. It just requires additional and relevant information to further boost your motivation explanation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Some people think that the use of computers should be restricted. Do you agree or not? [4]

For the TA score, due to the lack of proper response to the given prompt, this will most likely score a 4. C&C would be a 3 due to the overwhelmingly confusing sentence structures and idea presentation. The LR score will be anywhere between a 2 and 3 due to the lack of word formation skills. Unfortunately, the GRA score will also fall under the band score of 3 because the grammatical errors have made the sentences extremely difficult for a native English reader to understand. This means that the overall score will most likely fall under the 3 bracket. You have to focus on simplifying your explanations and making sure that you offer a clear prompt paraphrase with your next essay. Those corrections should help improve your score.

Scholarship / I hope to become a passionate person who will take part in the Global UGRAD Program. [3]

The Global UGrad program looks for future leaders and problem solvers in their home country. The application specifically asks you to represent your leadership abilities within your community or country. That means, you have to show that you have the foundation to become a person who can change the future of your country for the better. The focus of the essay must be on the skills that relate to interpersonal skills, problem solving, and civic mindedness. A focus on how you can contribute to the improvement of the program, along with how you think you can apply what you have learned in your home country upon your return would help boost your image as a potential student with the reviewer. Paragraph 3 would make for an excellent revision point for this essay. Use paragraph 3 to sell yourself as a leader and future problem solver in your country. Skip the self-centered information in the first 2 paragraphs. Those do not paint you in a good light as an applicant.

Writing Feedback / Day-by-day people's lives are becoming increasingly stressful. What is the reason and how to solve [3]

There are spelling errors in this essay (thier = their) which could have been caught and corrected through proof reading. Haphazard writing in relation to spelling will result in heavy points deductions under the LR consideration. In addition to that, the introduction paraphrase is not correct for this essay. The introduction paraphrase should merely restate the provided prompt, not begin the opinion discussion of it. The more proper paraphrase for this should have been:

People are living their daily lives under intense pressure. There are several factors that cause this situation. This essay will look at one particular reason for the stress people undergo everyday and offer a solution to the problem.

The above example is a correct paraphrase for the given prompt. Your introduction failed to do that, which means that your TA score will see several points deducted from it due to this mistake. There are numerous grammatical errors as well in relation to sentence formation and word usage that would result in further reduced GRA scores.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 1: Line graph about the movement to urban area in 3 countries [4]

You have a tendency to write run-on sentences instead of a mix of long and short sentences to create a paragraph. The mixed length sentence allows you to create a far more coherent paragraph through a fully developed thought process. This also allows you a chance to aim for and get a better GRA and LR score. The summary doesn't a complete run down of information and the trending sentence should be a separate sentence that stands alone at the end of the paragraph. Since the graph goes all the way to 2025, it should have been indicated that way instead of the grammatically incorrect "up to now", which should have been written as; "up to the present time." Grammatical errors abound in the paper that will result in a low GRA and LR score. It would be difficult for an essay of this type to get a passing score.

Undergraduate / Uw AIF for computer science coop. Part A Question 1 [3]

This is an example of the run of the mill response. It is a generic response that any student could have come up with. It gives and answer to the question, but not a a definitive response to the question. It is this definitive response that the reviewer will be looking for in this short statement. The way to improve the response is to relate it to a tangible educational objective. For example, one could say that "My decision to major in Computer Software Design was pushed by my desire to develop a medical app that will go beyond simply keeping track of vital signs. At the University of Waterloo, I look forward to gaining the theoretical knowledge that will help me write the code and use the computer lab of the university to test the app I will be developing as an undergraduate..." Define who your educational goal in more solid terms and work forward from there.

Undergraduate / Writing my personal statement on moving states and finding myself [2]

Try to make this essay stronger by explaining what research path you wish to take. If it is laboratory research, will be based on biological, chemical, or physics? Once you figure that out, try to give the reviewer an idea of what topic you may want to do research in and why. Then explain why you chose to apply at the university. Base the purpose on what your chosen research is, the ability of the university to help you begin preliminary research, and what you hope the end result will be. The other essay prompts will not allow you delve as deeply into convincing the reviewer that you will make a good student at the university based on your academic objectives. The statement of purpose will allow you to do that. The story about the man in the cafeteria isn't relevant to your essay. Try to impress the reviewer with your potential to be a remarkable researcher instead.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Essay. City or country? [2]

This essay is riddled with grammatical errors. The sentences do not make any sense in most instances due to word choice errors and sentence structure mistakes. Since this is an opinion essay, it should have at least 250 words written. That is the normal word minimum requirement for English essays. You did not indicate if this is an essay written for a practice test so I am giving you the standard word count expectation for academic essays written in class. The total essay has not developed a logical nor sound discussion pertaining to the topic. Aside from the grammatical errors, you have not made an actual effort to try and explain your line of reasoning in every paragraph. As such the essay is under developed and unable to inform the reader.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1 - The proportion of household expenditures between Japan and Malaysia in the same year 2010 [3]

Since the pie charts are color coded, an explanation of the color codes, in relation to the breakdown of content should have been provided. That would have added accuracy to your reporting and also increased your word count for GRA and LR considerations. The report has a strong trending statement that would have been further helped had you actually listed what the comparisons were based on within the summary paragraph. Since there are actual figures presented in the chart, you must use the numerical references provided instead of uncertain word descriptors such as "10 times that of..." . This is a formal report, numerical figures are the key to your report accuracy. Proofread your work. You neglected the period at the end of the last paragraph sentence. That left the sentence open ended and the total essay incomplete in presentation. There are grammatical errors in your essay but these do not impede the understanding of the reader so much that it would have a severe adverse effect on your final scoring consideration.

Undergraduate / 'to make a difference in Prague' - ERASMUS MUNDUS SCHOLARSHIP: TOURISM DEVELOPMENT AND CULTURE (MSC) [2]

The last paragraph should be the opening paragraph of this essay. It carries your actual motivation for your desire to pursue these studies. The current reasoning you have in the present introductory paragraph is too shallow and does not really contain information that will impress the reviewer. There is also a problem with your relevant education and participation skills presentation. It does not indicate any academic achievements nor extra curricular activities relevant to your desired line of studies. Running a social media account is not the same as having physical participation in tourism events where you could have sharpened your theoretical skills through practical applications. These are the problem points that I see which you should work on to strengthen your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - UK telephone calls, by category, 1995-2002 - local, international, mobiles [3]

You have a word choice error in the essay. There is no such term as "theses" in plural form representation. "These" is the plural form of "this". Since the graph shows a value higher than 70 billion, the proper term to use would have been "over 70 billion", not "about 70 billion". It is alright to use terms that indicate uncertainty since the bar graph does not give a perfect figure to refer to in your summary. However, you need to make sure that you use the correct reference term when indicating uncertainty in your presentation. Don't just throw in values without identifying what these values connote. Indicate "the years covering" in reference to the time frame from the report. Your report is strong and has a good word count. The only problem you must address if the word choice situation.

Writing Feedback / A tendency to let children approach the basic education earlier than at the average school age [3]

In your introduction paragraph, you have an incomplete sentence. You refer to 7. A reader who does not know what the prompt is about will wonder what the 7 is. 7 moths? 7 years? 7 decades? Always include the descriptive reference when mentioning numbers. Noun phrase problems also exist. "A" refers to the singular so the term should be "learner" not "learners". You are showing that you are not familiar with how to use punctuation marks as you are using hyphens when you should not be using it (time-saving = timesaving). There are also conciseness issues, and contraction usage (it's = it is) for formality sake. Remember that this is an academic paper so contractions do not have any place in the sentence structure.

Undergraduate / My plans are connected with Indonesia if I'll be not able to receive the scholarship (100 words max) [3]

Your response sounds too relaxed for the prompt provided. You need to take a more serious tone in response to the question. If you are not accepted, then you have to make it clear to the reviewer that you will do everything you can to help improve your chances of applying for and being accepted into the scholarship program next time. That means, you focus less on friends and travel and concentrate more on improving your academic and community service profile in relation to the scholarship expectations. That is what you will do while continuing to receive a college education in line with your current interests. Make it clear that you will do your best to get the scholarship but that you have other options in relation to your academic desires such as applying for other scholarships, if you actually need to or simply doing your best to complete a relevant education as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: the percentage of water for different purpose - industry, agriculture and domestic [2]

I cannot accurately review your work without the chart / image provided for this task. Please remember to include it next time. In the meantime, let me just give you an overview of your mistakes in this essay. The first problem that I see is the lack of a trending statement and proper summary of the instructions provided for the discussion. The trending statement is an important of the Task 1 test as it shows your ability to analyze the said image in a proper manner. Without it, you will receive deductions in the TA portion of the test. You also did not pay attention to your writing. An aria is a formal musical composition for one voice. An area, which is what you meant to say, indicates the coverage of a measurement. You also did not use an Oxford comma as required when listing related information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2: man-made activities are making global temperatures higher [3]

Your body of paragraphs are acceptable. But there is a problem with your introduction and conclusion. Neither properly paraphrase the given discussion. Let me show you an example of how this can be done more properly:

Introduction:
It is said that there is Increasing proof that the activities created and participated in by man have had an impact on the international climate. There are several reasons that this has happened. This essay will present a few of the reasons for the increasing global weather conditions and suggest some easily accomplished solutions to the situation.

The introduction should merely paraphrase the following:
1. The topic for discussion
2. The reason for the discussion
3. The instruction for the discussion

After that, the conclusion summarizes the content of the essay by presenting the following:
1. A restatement of the discussion problem
2. Summary of reasons and solutions
3. Closing sentence

Conclusion:
Based on the aforementioned presentations, it is easy to see how the climate is directly affected by the movement of society. As such, certain steps can be taken to help alleviate the situation such as ... Once these solutions are put into place, the increasing worldwide thermal reading can be decreased.

Undergraduate / "adaptable" - UBC application essay----tell us about yourself [2]

You only responded to the last part of the essay regarding what you are proud of. You failed to explain how your family members (not necessarily parents), friends, and community members would describe you. Therefore, the response statement is only partially correct. You will need to write a new, more responsive essay. You need to respond to this in 3 4 paragraphs. One for a family member, friend, and community member, then one for what you are most proud of and why. If you fail to address all the points in the essay then the reviewer will know that your English comprehension skills are not of a college level at the moment.

Graduate / SOP: Why pursue Masters in Business Analytics in University X (Canada)? [3]

Since this is a statement of purpose for a masters degree, you should be focusing less on your college experience and more on the applicability of the course to your current profession. As a masters student, you are expected to have at least 2 years experience in a field related to your masters course choice. That should be the basis of your purpose. The purpose should show a progressive career path, based on the advanced education you will be receiving. You should also be presenting evidence of professional exposure to the field and any work related training such as seminars or practical exposures. The essay will do better if you can show more of a professional purpose because right now, it is difficult to detect any strong purpose within the essay for your desire to be admitted to the masters course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WITH SAME OPINION OR NOT [4]

There is a lack of clarity in the introduction paragraph. Your paraphrase does not include a reference to the question being posed and what your actual response is. As such, the task will be considered only worthy of a TA task score of 3. Which means you will have a hard time making up the scores in the remaining criteria to achieve a passing score. By the way, you cannot close this essay with a question. The conclusion should be a restatement of the prompt, your opinion, and run-down of your discussion. This is an academic paper, not a casual note to a friend. You should not start sentences with "because" since that is a connecting word. Use the phrase "Due to..." instead.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: The problem of child abuse. How respond to this problem? [4]

For a task 2 essay that has a limited time constraint, you should not be writing almost 400 words. Always practice using the actual time allowance for the test so that you can get a better idea of how well, or not, you will be able to use your time to draft, revise, and finalize your content. Remember, this is not a vocabulary test so you do not need to use complex words. Keep it simple and focus on the clarity of your presentation instead. You have focused on using complex words, which tells me that you did not practice with a timer and you were only focused on proving your English vocabulary instead of writing understandable essays. It is alright to use simple words for your essay content. When you over-complicate the presentation with "big" words, you are sacrificing the clarity and time allowance you are provided. Writing 300 words at the most will be sufficient. 275 words written will allow you enough time to edit the content.

Writing Feedback / The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. [4]

That was one heck of a confusing first paragraph. It doesn't really summarize the task well enough to score well. Your response isn't really very good in the thesis portion because you do not clearly discuss the point of the essay prompt. It appears that you have failed to properly summarize or paraphrase the original prompt. Your response is only partially correct because you began discussing evidence in the opening paragraph, which is never allowed. Your body of paragraphs does not properly support the original prompt instructions either. You seem to have created your own essay discussion at this point. Totally disregarding the original prompt and its discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2- It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife? [3]

When you write the introduction, spend time in formulating the summary of the prompt. Avoid writing long sentence because that results in a confusing thought presentation. Always use one thought or reason per sentence. Never combine 2 thoughts in one sentence. Additionally, you should only mention your direct response to the question but not your opinion or reason for your opinion. That should be saved for the body of paragraphs. The conclusion should also summarize your discussion rather than add little developed reasoning discussions as you did here. Remember, you have to wrap-up and end the discussion within 5 paragraphs. That is why the last paragraph is called the concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / IVEY AEO ESSAY (Character in Leadership) [4]

The opening paragraph doesn't hold the interest of the reader. Open immediately with the relevant discussion instead. In this instance, that starts in the second paragraph. Open immediately with the relevant discussion instead. In this instance, that starts in the second paragraph. The restaurant work workplace setting is one that allows you to practice all of the listed virtues in the essay. That means that through your various work actions, participation, and decisions, you will be able to fully represent your related situations and actions along with a well developed discussion based on the given parameters. Then pick another situation, an academic or extra curricular one. Say your membership in a school club or community organization that gave you the opportunity to act as a leader. Aim to discuss a different set of virtues from the one you exhibited as a restaurant employee. . Revise that paragraph to become your opening statement and then add to the information accordingly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS line graph - task 1 - thefts per thousand vehicles in four countries between 1990 and 1999. [4]

The summary with trending statement is well developed. The comparisons are also well developed and presented within the essay. One thing I noticed was that you decided not to mention any figure for the steady rise in 1996 for Sweden. In such instances, when no specific figure is given, you can give an estimation instead. You have to make sure that you refer to some sort of figure as the report summary relies on the accuracy of your presentation. Always try to write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph so that you can increase your LR and GRA scoring considerations. Grammar mistakes include your misrepresentation of the word "overall" as "over all". You also failed to use the Oxford comma when listing the countries listed in the graph.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - About restriction for marketing strategies directed at kids (eg. TV's advertising) [2]

It is not a question of whether more regulation is required when it comes to advertising to children, it is a question of whether you agree or disagree with the given statement. That is the Task assigned to this discussion and that is what you failed to respond to in your introduction statement. The task accuracy score will be heavily based on whether or not you properly responded to the question given at the start, with the body of discussions adding to the consideration of your score. Failing to say yes or no directly, in relation to the prompt topic will result in points deductions even if the rest of your essay does respond to the given topic. Your essay moved away from the simple yes or no discussion because towards the end, you began discussing the need for legislation, which was not part of the original discussion. You were only asked to provide reasons and examples for your dis/agreement with the statement. There was no call for you to discuss potential solutions. That results in further prompt deviations and a lowering of your final score.

Undergraduate / I am putting forward my candidacy for enrollment in electrical engineering of an University [2]

Don't just rely on Elon Musk and his accomplishments in the field of neural science to prove your motivation for your studies in Electrical Engineering. Instead, use that as the jump off point. Evolve from his ideas and provide your own imaginative application or hardware creation that may work well alongside Musk's work. Your motivation should be to better his inventions or create your own inventions that will be higher in applicability than Musk's. Your motivation is weak because there is no reference to the gradual development of your interest and why you have focused on the work of Musk in relation to your own ambitions.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2; Millions of people doing unhealthy activities which are harmful [3]

The introduction must accurately summarize the content of the prompt in order for it to gain a proper TA score. In this instance, you did not properly paraphrase the said prompt. Rather, you paraphrased without providing the original information. That will definitely have an effect on your TA score as your paraphrase will only be partially correct. For this type of essay, you must focus on properly explaining only 2 problems, results, and solutions to the problem. One in every paragraph. That is because the essay suffers from little developed discussions, which means that you were not fully able to support your discussion with valid reasons. The paragraphs are simply a mix-match of ideas that could be clarified further. Using the one cause and solution paragraph discussion helps you to clarify your meaning. Your vocabulary has problems and will prove to lower both your LR and GRA scores because you are using words out of context. For example, you said being when you meant to say begin. Lack of proof reading will often result in disastrous scores for most test takers.

Writing Feedback / I agree that the media coverage of celebrities have a negative impact on children [4]

Points will be deducted for the missing 25 words. The TA assessment for this essay falls under a 4 at the very least. So based on the points deductions and low TA score, there is no way this work will get a passing score. You are using slang terms such as "killing" when you meant "no way to earn a living" or "do not have any money", which will show that you are not thinking in an academic manner. The overall presentation will not score well in terms of LR, C&C or GRA. Next time you write a practice essay, try to do so in an academic tone. Take the time to properly format your sentences, use proper vocabulary, and do not use special punctuation marks. Limit yourself to using periods and commas instead.

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation in urban areas has led to some serious problems. Identify some problems and solutions [3]

Your presentation is good but the ideas are little developed. It would be better if you learn to use the 2 body paragraphs in two ways. In this instance, you should present the topic sentence or problem as the opening sentence of the essay, then explain why this problem needs to be solved, and finally, explain what sort of solution can be presented to address the issue. You can use up to 5 sentences per paragraph to do that. Then go on to the 2nd body and do the same thing. That will allow you to present a well developed discussion for 2 example problems. You have to show a clarity of thought and understanding of the discussion through properly developed discussion paragraphs. What I am suggesting is the best way for you to approach that presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: THE GROWTH OF ONLINE SHOPPING [5]

Your thesis statement is not complete. The failed to answer the question, do you agree or disagree? The last sentence of this essay should have reflected your response to the question. That is imperative since your TA score, which weighs heavily in the final scoring process, is all based upon the proof of your English comprehension skills. The thesis statement at the end of the introduction is the reflection of that assessment. While the rest of your essay is relevant to the prompt provided, you will still get a score mark down because of the incomplete prompt response at the start. You need to make sure that you clearly indicate your response to the question in the last sentence. Always review the essay prompt towards the end of your writing and make sure that your essay has responded to all the expectations of the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP, is this necessary? Details of circumstances or qualifications... [3]

This part of the application essay is optional because it has to do with some factors that may exist in your transcript of records / grade which may tend to have an influence on your qualifications as a student. For example, if you are applying to premed but have horrible science and math grades, then you can use this essay to explain why your grades are such and how you have began to overcome the obstacle. Or, maybe you participated in some extra curricular activity that could possibly help you gain a scholarship in athletics or something but you had no place to mention it in the previous essays you wrote. You can highlight that positive ability here. The essay is not meant to be an outline of your previous activities and accomplishments throughout your life. It is meant to help the reviewer focus on something about you that must be seriously considered in the admissions process.

Essays / Good thesis statment about the cause/effect on technology [7]

If you take out the online business from your sub topics, you will be able to create an interconnected research paper and thesis that will flow better and be simpler to research on your part. My thesis statement would be something along the lines of "Technology has helped improve emergency response due to the instant nature of communication and on site assessment abilities." Or something like that. I am sure you understand what I mean. You know that the 3 sub-topics are closely related so it will be easier for you to formulate a thesis based on my "off the top of my head" suggestion. Just remove the online business topic since it is out of place in the discussion.

Graduate / "Describe a meaninful experience in your life." PT school essay prompt [3]

This sounds like you are writing the beginnings of a novel instead of discussing an important experience in your life. It is highly imaginative and really takes the reader into the moment with you but, it doesn't reflect strongly on how that experience led to personal growth and what kind of growth you had. Your reference to personal growth is even shorter than the irrelevant opening paragraph. The reviewer would appreciate it a lot more if you just got to the point immediately instead of rambling on. Remember, the essay says you have to discuss one experience. So everything else at the start are irrelevant to the actual incident that took place. Personally, I would revise the essay to immediately focus on the shooting, how you felt and what you learned about yourself at that moment. No need to describe who you were with unless they were relevant to your epiphany. At this point, it doesn't seem like the extra characters in the essay are necessary. They just clutter the essay and distract from the actual point of the presentation.

Undergraduate / Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends describe. (UBC personal profile) [4]

It would be better if you used a different personality trait for every section required in the essay. The whole point of the prompt is to help the reviewer get a well rounded opinion of who you are as a child or sibling, friend, and community member. This is a preliminary interview that should reflect how well you may or may not function in an independent college setting. Therefore, the reviewer needs to know how you function in each situation. While it is easier to use only one personality trait if there is a common belief about you in that manner, it doesn't really reflect all the other aspects of your personality. If you still have the time, try to revise the essay to reflect more of who you are in various ways / settings.

Writing Feedback / Some believe homework should be given everyday, others do not in order to success in school. Discuss [4]

Woah! The essay has way too many words in it for you to complete your response, with time to review and edit, within 40 minutes. Aim for 250 - 300 words. No more, no less if you want to be able to have time to proof read before submitting your essay for a grade. Believe me, the proof reading is imperative for ESL writers taking this test. You lack the topic statement or thesis statement at the end of your introduction. You should have indicated what your opinion will be in direct response to the prompt question. That would show that you clearly understood the topic and instructions for the essay, which in turn would boost your TA score. No more than 5 sentences for each paragraph if you please. You are not writing a research paper, you are under a time constraint here. Long essays will not guarantee a passing score because your essay still has to be scored based upon the rubic. It isn't just about vocabulary and sentence presentations. It's about how well you can quickly and properly express yourself in English.

Writing Feedback / The internet provide us with easy connection to other people, however it also isolates us [2]

The complete prompt for this essay indicates that requires a clear degree of dis/agreement with the given topic. As such, your introduction paragraph does not clearly indicate a response to the thesis statement. You cannot simply "be convinced". Rather, you have to indicate if you totally or partially agree with the given statement. That means the response should have been and emotional response such as "I totally dis/agree", "I partially dis/agree", "I strongly dis/agree" and the like. You will actually receive a mark down in the Task Achievement section of the scoring because of the lack of proper response to the prompt. Don't save the actual response for the conclusion. Your actual response creates the thesis statement for your essay. The conclusion is only used as a summary for the content of the overall essay response. There are vocabulary mark downs in store for you for misusing words such as the wild world web instead of the World Wide Web. There are also several other problems that directly affect your score. Which I believe would fall around the 5 band overall.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MS in Applied Data Science [3]

While there is no required word limitation on the personal statement for this university, you should not write more than the standard 250-500 words. That is because any essay longer than that may not be read in its totality by the reviewer. Your essay should be easily skimmed for salient points that could prove to be memorable to the reviewer. By the length of this essay I can tell that you are being too telling of your accomplishments rather than you trying to "show" your skills and accomplishments. Whittle the essay for content. Try to stay within the standard 500 word limit. You don't need to tell the reviewer about everything that occurred with regards to the development of your interest and background. You just need to present one important discussion for every prompt requirement. So this essay could very well be accomplished within 4 interrelated paragraphs covering your "preparation for this field of study, study interests, future career plans, other aspects of your background and interests". Remember, keep it short but informative.

Scholarship / Who I am and background? Study plan for master's scholarship [4]

Your introduction essay should not focus so much on your weaknesses as a student. Neither should it relate too much personal information. Rather, it should only give an overview of your family dynamic, skim over any academic failures, highlight your academic accomplishments, and show why you developed an interest in your current course. The bullet points don't help because these lack explanations in relation to your academic goals. Try to write a statement that intertwines your personal information with your academic goals. That way you can present a well-rounded idea as to who you are as a person, student, and professional. Try not be overly dramatic as well. This essay is running high on emotion and less on information. It is the information presentation, without the dramatics, that matter the most to the reviewer.