Undergraduate / "best advice you have been given, and why?" - Brown Supplement [5]

I loved times like these. Moments where my father's breath reeked of too much alcohol. -----this is a run-on sentence, right here.

I loved times like these -- moments where my father's breath reeked of too much alcohol. ----- so you start off being sarcastic and judgmental... this does not get you off to a good, impressive start.

I loved times like these -- moments where my father's breath reeked of too much alcohol; when the Puerto Rican humidity made my skin sticky to the touch; when stars were perfectly ...

Wait, did you like these times or not?

Wow, wait a minute, I see that you are not criticizing him at all! Ha ha, I think you should take out the part about his breath reeking.

:-)

This is so well-written! It is a great expression of your seriousness as a student and of your thoughtfulness.

Undergraduate / What don't you know? [3]


Ha ha, I love all of it, and this part is the best. It is such great writing.

I think it will be better if you say you had to narrow your focus, and that is why you chose to focus on _________- (name of your chosen field of study.

Yes, I think the second paragraph should NOT continue the theme of amassing knowledge until 20, 40, and 90... I think it should talk about narrowing your focus to your chosen field, and your plan for the future. What is your field of interest?

Undergraduate / a robotics club in my school - Tell us about a time you used your creativity. [3]

...and together we properly organized a club that we named Quasics (short for quantum physics).

With the invaluable experience in _______, ___________, and ________ that I gained through... ----(list 3 things you gained experience in)

:-)

Undergraduate / MUN delegate, George Washington University- Supplement Essay [2]

An hour-and-a-half hour later, I dismiss my students for recess, and our soccer game continues...

Keep that verb tense consistent:
As I rush out of the mud hut that is my classroom, I see...

"Sobba!" (Blessings be with you!) I burst------right before this sentence, in the previous paragraph, i think you should explain the experience you are talking about in the essay. Clearly say what trip you took and what it was all about. I had to read the essay twice in order to understand what happened.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Football story" - U of Illinois [3]


This does not seem right. Proficisnt means skillful. Maybe you mean "adequate."

y natural leadership ability really worked well for me when---- this sounds like bragging. Maybe you should give an insight you gained about leadership -- something about encouraging others, perhaps -- instead of just claiming to have natural leadership ability.

My offense lined up in formation as I stood tall behind the center and gazed out at the defense.---- yes, all of this sounds very pompous! I'm sorry, I know you don't intend it to seem that way.

I suggest writing something that expresses humble appreciation for the role you got to play as a leader, despite your young age, etc., and then make a connection between leadership and your chosen field of study.

:-)

Undergraduate / USC Essay + NYU Short answers critique [12]

Are you talking about the essay about epilepsy? It will answer the prompt if you end the first or second paragraph with a sentence that clearly says you entered high school with adversity that took the form of an inability to feel confident around your peers.

That way, when you talk about going over to that kid and talking to her, it does answer the prompt.

Fix this run on sentence: This was new -- and it felt exhil arating.

Don't tell the reader it is a seizure disorder; the reader knows epilepsy is a seizure disorder.

sorry, I'm no Simon Kowel, ha ha.

Undergraduate / fantastic academic programs - Stanford Essay-Why Stanford? [4]


Choose the one that will give you the most access to and experience with both. You can do both. Life is long.


Oh, this is even better. Good idea, and this makes a strong argument for the essay.

Wow, I don't know what to say about Mutafa's comments. I agree with the criticisms, but I don't think they are that bad! ha ha, don't listen to him.

But for example, the "fantastic" athletics thing is too general. It is better to focus on all the ways their program, and even particular profs, will be perfect for you in your process toward becoming _________ (not just an engineer, but what is your real heart's desire in life, what is really important.? Just hint at it in a cool way.)

Undergraduate / MIT - significant challenge or something that didn't go according to plan [3]

Hmmm, yes, I think what luminous might have meant was:
My friends and I share many common ideas and interests, but sometimes we disagree in certain situations. For example, a A conflict arose among my friends and I while we were building a robot for...

Because that whole first sentence is uninteresting. Don't waste words with, "We get a long but sometimes we argue." It is just not interesting.

Create an experience for the reader by starting every para in an intriguing way. And no wasting words:
After some heated debate, our situation still stood at a stalemate. neither side willing to give in. (that is what a stalemate is, so it is redundant to explain it.)

Their tests confirmed my previous argument that in general, the Archimedes screw performs more reliably than the elevator.----- if, in a sentence that precedes this sentence, you can make it so that I will understand what this sentence means, it will be a powerful essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Freedom of speech, alternative energy, northwestern supplement essay - why NU? [4]

How fascinating that you thought a larger class size was a good thing. That makes the essay really interesting.

If you google a text by Glickman, Gordon, and Ross-Gordon, you can get the publication info and cite it as a source that mentions a relevant fact:

One of the few factors that research has consistently shown to improve educational outcomes is smaller class size.

I think it is cute and thoughtful and interesting that as a kid you thought large class size was better, and that makes this essay interesting.

When Arthur Butz, its associate professor of electrical...

Write less about the school and more about you. What interests you about the school is as much about your career plan as it is about the school. If you only write about the school it is as if you have no clear plan for your future.

:-)

Undergraduate / Impact of Tennis - Common App Essay [3]

Playing and watching sports has always been my passion. Tennis was my first love as I was growing up in Turkey, watching players such as Sampras and Agassi.

I think that first sentence, above, needs to be scratched, because it is so plain.

I was delighted when I was selected for the Sidwell Varsity team as a freshman. When you end the first paragraph this way, the reader thinks, "okay, so this is a tennis lover who played varsity." It seems like you spent too much time saying that simple thing. Can you reduce this paragraph to a single sentence that expresses the same idea? Let it be a complex sentence that mentions Turkey, and Agassi, and varsity.

I learnt the line between success and failure is very small and in the end what may appear to be a failure can be turned into success with hard work , team spirit and the right attitude.------Nice! Now.. does this have anything to do with your intended career? If you can say this influenced your outlook on life and your career aspirations, that would be a strong ending.

Undergraduate / "to change my mindset" - Tufts University supplement essays [3]

You spend too much time at the beginning talking about how you like all kinds of music. Everybody says that when they talk about what kind of music we like. we all say, "I like every knd of music." So.. it is not a good point to emphasize in an essay.

this part is great, though:
Throughout these phases I always learn all the intricacies of each song: every word, every beat, and every instrumental ornament.

My most recent phase has been the songs of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. ---- instead of saying "songs of," you should use a word that refers to the genres they dele into or the techniques they use.

Listening to their music gives me the image of cruising down a highway off the coast of California, with the sun high in the sky, aviators on, and palm trees lining the street. I think this reduces their music to something superficial. Move on to other subjects that are related to this appreciation for music, but separate from it. Other subjects! :-)

I know every word to "Can't Stop" and every chord of the guitar solo...(maybe you mean every "note" of the guitar solo?

Undergraduate / why tufts - strong psychology department [6]

What do those skeptics prefer... the "hard" sciences? Some people call psych a "soft" science, because it is so abstract.

It might be good to mention that Tufts' interdisciplinary learning and practical knowledge emphases make you feel confident about their program, because even if you have interests that are outside the psych department you will still get to pursue them.

This essay makes me wonder what kind of psych you are drawn to and what kind of work you would like to do. Let's see some details of that life plan! :-)

Undergraduate / our trip to Costa Rica, Essay topic: evaluating a significant experience [5]

I think it can work for both, and I think that in both cases it is important to write more about how it impacted you. Specifically, I think you should write about more about a vision for the future so that the reader feels like this essay is written by a person who is resolute about her plan... someone with a clear plan that has details, and because of your unique INTENTIONS for the future you should be enabled to attend any school that is compatible with your plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / Emotional, multicultural, and optimist - My BU Essay [5]

It seems nicer if we make all three words adjectives: ...use just three words they are emotional, multicultural, and optimistic .

These words best help describe my interaction with people and characteristics that will help benefit the Boston University community. ---> I think you can do something better here than just repeating their question; you can express an example or a theme for the contribution you'll make and even for the essay.

I like your writing, especially the case you make in favor of optimism.

I just think the intro and conclusion paragraphs shoud be lengthened to express a theme for the whole essay, a common thread that unites the 3 words.

Undergraduate / I was completely ignored by Freshman Mentor; COMMON APP [19]


Ha ha, yes, I've told other people in this forum that Stephen King calls it "Killing your darlings."

...ensuring the students do well in his or her they study hard and begin high school as high achievers.

As a freshman, I achieved satisfactory marks, so my own Mentor ignored me, showing no concern for my academic standing. When I had the opportunity to become a Mentor, I wanted to do what my Mentor did not. I have always been a person with a yearning to help others. The program gave me...

I guess this should all be one paragraph, because it is all about the same idea. It is only 6 sentences, so it can be one paragraph.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Multiple Prompts + Topic Ideas [12]

Those who studied calculus
Tried to be miraculous...

I was thinking of that for the meter...

Ha ha, I think you have to go with the first one, because the second ends with a bad grammar gaff. Poetic license can't make up for "had just began."

You are clever! Go with the first, though...

Undergraduate / U Chicago Supplements: Something you have outgrown and Why chicago? [3]

When I thought of a modern day chemist, I had often visualized a smartly-gowned scientist with the famous hair like Einstein's, concocting cures with a swishing air of professionalism. S/he would perform...

This is some great material here! Great writing.

At last, my fantasy came to an end -- and its ending took place in the very professional environment that I so desired.

I remember my disappointment when my five-day struggle against Acyloin condensation ended up as a failure due to a scale-up error. Above all, I clearly remember my excitement...

...upon seeing tiny, still-wet crystals harvested into reality within a...
or
...upon seeing tiny, still wet crystals harvested into reality within a...

Undergraduate / math, science, or engineering, CalTech Interest Essay [3]


I think you could say all of this in half the amount of words you used. Don't use so many words to express the idea that you chose these classes after having escaped being mandated to take other courses by being a high achiever. Express it succinctly.

Make it less like bragging by saying it in a single sentence, that is my opinion. More importantly, though, answer the question they ask. See my explanation here: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/cal-tech-interests-engineering-13089/

Also, I don't think people have to try to be anonymous as they participate here. You high school people have been treated as though collaboration is cheating, but it is not cheating. This is learning. Academic institutions are about learning, too. EssayForum is an important writer's group full of serious students. It's not cheating. But still, i don't blame you for wanting to be careful.

:-)

Undergraduate / an excellent liberal arts education and the choice - Cornell CAS Essay [4]

The first paragraph is confusing, but I figured out the way to fix it!:
I was in my own world, hypnotized by the enticing words on the page in front of me, when my mother's impatient irritated sigh interrupted my thoughts.

What do you think?! Do you like it that way? I feel proud of myself...

:-)

...pushing my bowl of steaming seaweed soup toward me. , a traditional Korean dish, in front of me and firmly removing the book from my grasp. Before I...you do is read. You love books too much." I think you should get rid of ALL that. It is to much going on and on about the fact that you love to read. Get to the point of the essay. Make your bold, brilliant thesis statement before you get too far into the essay.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech Essay-Interests in Engineering! [5]

Number agreement:
can take my abstract ideas and turn them into concrete realities.

Your intro is excellent writing; I hope the AO reader knows how to appreciate good writing.

Cut your first paragraph off after "since I was a young child", remove this altogether---> Questions would enter my head about various aspects of the world around me, including the ever so popular "Why is the sky blue?" and "How does the car run?" , and replace it with a good thesis sentence that answers their question: how do you express it? Instead of saying "piddling around," you say ________. Answer their question, and end the first paragraph.

The latter half of your essay, though good writing, is not quite right. It should build up and culminate with a brilliant way of explaining your method of expressing your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

The other guy says piddling around, and you say (what?). Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / "Community and Equity as a battey and its charger" - Lehigh supplement [5]

A comma is necessary in this kind of sentence:
...without the battery the charger has no meaning, and without the charger...

This is very interesting! I like this approac better than the approach sme people take, trying to decide whether or not cmmunity and equity are compatible. You argue that they are mutually dependent.

If you want to make this super impressive, google leviathan by Hobbes, and read about it, and understand it, and refer to it in the essay. It'll fit nicely with your theme.

sparknotes.com/philosophy/leviathan/summary.html
(sparknotes is very good for helping to understand literature)

Undergraduate / History with neuroscience - Brown PLME [3]

I love the beginning, but I have to challenge you to do an operation on that first paragraph. Right when you get to here...
The two pound lump of tissue in...
... you are no longer talking about how it can be compared to a computer. You are taling about something different. So the thing to do is put the cursor there before "The two pound lump" and hit the enter button for a paragraph break. Then, go back and add your thesis sentence, or a few sentences to what is left of the intro, and end the fist paragraph after the new thesis sentence.

Let the part about the five pound lump be in paragraph 2, which can be all about how your career plan is complex, like a brain. Or some other creative thing.

You write very well!

Undergraduate / What would you choose to do over and what changes would you make? [4]


Ha ha, at first, I did not realize you meant the organization of your essay. I thought you were referring to yourself as an organization, as I sometimes do. ha ha...

I agree with Marcel (Hello, Marcel!) that this intro could be stronger, even if the wording was just a little different, like this:
After the first day of Chinese school, I came home crying.

Ha ha, as i keep reading, I see that you have a cool way of expressing yourself.

Check this out, though... when you are talking about something that happened, and you mention something that had already happened when this story took place, you should use the word "had." ----A girl had told me to close my eyes and then cracked all my knuckles. I had to wake up early on a Saturday and I got writing homework. It was not enjoyable.

Above, I crossed out a sentence that really did not seem like it fit! It is less confusing without that sentence...

Keep working, you are great!

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS Essay- Finding Nemo [5]

Charging toward the murky water in my pink flowery bathing suit, I squealed as the chilly water collided with my warm skin.

I stared at this for such a long time before I could figure out what I thought... I guess I think you should experiment with putting the Nemo stuff at the end, as a weirdly fantastic conclusion/reflection in the last paragraph.

Speeches / Speech topic - Cybercommunication: Progress or Problem? [3]


It gets confusing for a moment right here, but I think you explain it pretty well. You might come up with ways to make this first paragraph more poignant.

There are problems, yes, but it is also Problems emerge, but problems are inherent in progress.

This really is a very well-written essay! I was just trying to find ways to scrutinize you...

Something about surprisingly often gets the essay off to a confusing start. You should at least use a comma:
Surprisingly often, ...

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Amherst, Brown, Hamilton, Middlebury, Princeton, Tufts [4]

...portrayed in my a movie for my fall film class.

I envisioned a nameless man, silently suffering from a great loss, conveying depth of emotion beyond that which is po rtrayed in my previous films. ---- I am not sure what I think was wrong with the way you had it.. this is just an idea.

Nice! this sure is a good approach for someone involved with film studies.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplemental Essays-Why Lehigh and Community and Equity in the 21st cent. [4]


the word "things" is hardly ever specific enough. If you are going to write things you might as well write something more specific, like "characteristics."

but wait a minute, this whole first line is meaningless! Why waste 26 words stating the obvious!? No, say something meaningful. Say what you look for. Say what you look for that others perhaps do not. What is your unique view?

No talking about small class size or faculty to student ratio. I am forever telling people not to do that. My opinion is that an admissions person must get so sick of essays telling them what the school brochure tells them...

You are biology/premed, so you should give your philosophy of science and medicine! Read the intro to The Body Electric by Becker for inspiration.

Equity, in my opinion, is empowering the people within a certain community with equal opportunities and resources necessary to reach their full potential.---it's not your opinion; it is what equity is.


I don't think this actually proves that equity is achievable. Perhaps it is more achievable than ever, though.

This is good material. Sorry if I seem critical about the first one, though -- but I think you need to write it when you are more inspired. It is to be more aout you than about the school.

:-)

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]


I hope so! I'm proud of how much good work you have all done here. And I often tell people they should become contributors so that they can list that on their applications and resumes, etc.

I don't know the answer to your question about how many people have gotten in to colleges after getting help here, but people often come back and say "thanks I got accepted," etc.

Most importantly, we need to remember that the only alternative to this kind of collaboration is to NOT collaborate, and failure to collaborate is dangerous in this fast-paced information age.

A writer's group is a writer's group is a writer's group. :-)

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


It seems like Panyapon meant to type "are not plagiarism." I agree; it is good to practice and learn from one another, but never copy paste anything from someone's essay!


Yes, this is an important observation. But even if essayforum did not exist, you could find essays and articles online and submit them as your own. So, it is not essayforum that is the problem. It is the Internet. And even before the Internet people still stole each other's writing.

Essayforum is a writers group like any other. We collaborate and help each other. So... I hope colleges know about essayforum. It is a good thing to do, and I think we all improve our writing. Your concern is understandable, though.

Still, if any education professional complains about our scholarly collaboration, tell them to talk to me! I have no patience for educators who are stuck on an obsolete paradigm. The Internet age is an age of collaboration, and knowing that fact is important for students' success.

:-)

Undergraduate / NYU Short Answers - O. Henry, Comparative Lit, The Writes of a Poet, and Poem [3]

Yes, that first one should do someting to entertain the reader, because you are talking about writing. If you quote Henry, that might be nice, but you also have to give some sort of clever explanation.

...how one style of language influences another...----is that better or not? I'm not sure...


Only 7 novels in 384 months? I bet you can write at least 10 !!

:-)

These are very impressive.

Undergraduate / fetching - my favorite word! [4]


Nice! You write so well...

You have beautiful body language. I don't know about this part! I think you mean to say something slightly different. Body language is a particular thing. Maybe you mean to say "beautiful form."


How weird and cool this is! I love it. Is it long enough, though?

Essays / "The Most Important in a Job is the Money Person Earns [4]

What are all the important ideas to consider when you decide whether or not to accept a job?

In the first paragraph, talk about the fact that a job involves more than just earning money. At the end of the first paragraph, you can tell whether or not you think earning a lot of money is the most important consideration. Is it?

If you think someting else besides salary is most important, make an argument about it in the essay. Remember that the first sentence of every paragraph should be a topic sentence that gives the main idea. The rest of each paragraph should explain the topic sentence.

Get started, and we will help! :-)

Undergraduate / 'Stand up and try again' - Trinity college - Personal integrity contract [4]


Well, this one is called an expository essay, and that means you are exposing something and explaining it.

Start by saying something intriguing to get the reader's attention. I think you did a good job of that here:
When you are young you have to do what you are told by your parents, and when you grow you have to do what laws say.

And at the end of your first para, you should give a thesis statement that answers the question they posed. You did a good job with this, too! Let's use a set of 2 dashes, though----> In my case, these were Scout law, the Commandments, and -- when I got older -- Liberalism.

And one more change:
For me, m My integrity contract involves two aspects - being...

:-)

Undergraduate / bates supplement - how to highlight vitality? [9]

sends butterflies down my stomach??0----

I think you are confusing "sends chilled up my spine" with "gave me butterflies in my stomach." The butterflies thing is about feeling nervous. The chills up my spine thing is about feeling creeped out.

To express excitement, you should use your own expression rather than coming up with a common phrase. For example, this discussion of language and writing has me captivated, like a cat watching a mouse hole.


Yes, so this is one of those situations where you have to zoom in on a word. What is vitality?

Answer that question as part of your essay. I don't mean to give the dictionary definition, though! that is usually a weak way to start an essay. Complete this task by explaining how you think of intellectual vitality in an academic community like Bates.

Then, discuss your passions and interests, and the clubs and programs aligned with them. It is great if you can honestly say you look forward to collaborating with people and mutually encouraging one another; it is great if you mention groups to which you belong, such as essayforum, where you are already involved in collaboration.

Kind regards!

:-)

Graduate / SOP for a Social Psych PhD program [7]

Right on, thanks!

Undergraduate / 'My grandparents have the most significant impact in my life' - Study Abroad App Essay [4]


Are you talking about this? "I hope I could also help enhance the strong connection between the two universities.."

It is: I need help doing homework.
It can also be: I need help to do homework.

In the above sentence, you could have this:
I hope I could also help to enhance the strong connection between the two universities.----but it is also okay without "to."

I hope that answers your question. It can be both.

But actually, "help do sth" is often awkward. You can write, "They visited my to help do homework." But it can also be, "They visited me to help me do homework."

Tt can also be, "They visited me to help doing homework," but that sounds bad. :-)

Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]


Hey, this is not a good disclaimer to use n your work! The thing is, it is all good if it is genuine. It has the essence of you. Criteria for judging what is good vary from one reader to the next.

For one thing, your intro is excellent. Nothing catches the attention quite like mentioning suicidal thoughts. That first paragraph is like a big wind up with no pitch, though. Proclam your thesis statement boldly at the end of that first paragraph. Add a third sentence... one that catches the theme of the whole essay (thesis sentence).

After writing that thesis at the end of the first para, the moral of the story, elaborate on it more in the last para.

You might also want to mention getting permission from your brother to write about his process, and mention that his suffering became more meaningful as you tapped into his experience to write this essay, which is so important for your own process.

Does this kind of intervention have anything to do with your career plan? That would be cool...

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement -- leave my mark in the Penn community. [2]

Well, you actually are not supposed to use prepositions the way you did at the start (should be "about which I have thought, to which I have looked forward...") but people do not always observe that rule. Still, for sticklers who care about it, I guess I think you should leave that first sentence out. It is rather simplistic anyway -- it is natural for students to think about and look forward to college.

The college experience: something I have thought about, worked towards, and looked forward to for most of my academic career thus far. I have been told countless times that...

I think that second sentence is more interesting.

You say you don't know if this is what they are looking for, but... what is the essay question? I don't know whether to tell you I think you wrote what they are looking for or not...

Perspectives in Humanities, a living-learning program on campus. I read more about the program and was immediately hooked-----good, after this, I think you should mention siilar programs at other schools and tell why the UPenn program is better for you, specifically, because of your approach to your chosen field. Then, conclude the paragraph with a thoughtful sentence about how such a program adds to the "community."

Giving back to my community has always been a top priority for me------I don't know if I believ you. It would be better to mention an experience that instilled in you an appreciation for the feeling of meaningfulness that comes from enhancing the cmmunity of which you are a part -- rather than just claiming it is important to you.

:-)

Good luck in school!!!

Undergraduate / Duke essay and scientific research by a Taiwanese Student [5]


Yes! This is great material. Say it in as few words as possible so that it is powerful and full of meaning. Do not use any unnecessary words.

...bio-medical engineering is something a practical disciplin e that would allow will enable. ...

For essay 2, the first paragraph should be like an abstract. I think you should add one sentence that explains your procedure just a little bit, and then it will be just like an abstract to a journal article:

In my junior year, my ... standing waves forms. (add a sentence about specific procedure). As we spread sands on the plates, the sands stayed on the nodes and form into Chladni patterns. However, we observed a series of continual patterns between 80Hz to 95Hz which are not at any model of frequency. (add a sentence about the implications of this observation.)

Very impressive!!!!!!!

Essays / Thoughts of the Founders and Tocqueville (Political Science Term Paper) [3]

Okay, the first thing to do is dive into Tocqueville's work and really enjoy it. Google around for an analysis of his view of democracy. Google around for an analysis of his writing. When you find a good description of his conception of democracy, write a sentence about it.

Let that sentence be a topic sentence, and elaborate so that it becomes a whole paragraph.

Repeat that process until you have several paragraphs about his view of democracy.

Do all the above steps for the federalists.
Do all of the above with ideas from class readings and other readings you find.

Approach this as if you are making a "paragraph collection." Cite your sources at the end of every paragraph, and include any good quotations. When you have about 16 paragraphs, organize them into a few subsections of the paper, and look at it all together. Write a few paragraphs about similarities between the 2 versions of democracy, and write a few paragraphs about the differences.

See what main idea emerged in your comparison. Whatever it is, proclaim it in an intro paragraph at the very beginning. Then, go to the end and add a conclusion paragraph.

Don't forget to ENJOY the process!! :-)