Writing Feedback / IELTS - Fixed punishments nevertheless of circumstances? [3]

Just because you can type faster does not mean that you should write 400 words. The timer is still set to 40 minutes, the requirement that you outline, draft, review, revise, and finalize the essay does not change. Don't be cocky. You will end up freezing at the exam center if you are too over confident. It is important that you still write using the 40 minute timer. You will notice that based on all the things you have to do, you cannot write 400 words for the essay, no matter how fast you can type. This is not a typing test, it is an English usage accuracy test. Focus on the right things.

Your second paragraph started out strong, but when you discussed the examples, the presentation fell apart. Again, your focus on typing speed and just typing, instead of typing to make yourself understood, is what caused the confusion and weakness of the paragraph presentation. You lost track of what you wanted to say properly in English and began simply translating from your native language to English. That, always spells a disaster. Your language, when translated to English will always have differences that you need to spot and correct errors for coherence and cohesive purposes, not to mention GRA requirements.

You did not properly use commas in the paragraphs. You should also focus on using the correct punctuation marks. Like I said, this is not about speed typing. This is about accuracy of the use of the English language in an academic setting. Run-on sentences are disallowed.

Writing Feedback / Some people think it is better for people to change their career at least once in their life [3]

Consider using more descriptive adjectives in your essay instead of simple words such as "a long period of time". That phrase is only a simple phrase composition which will not help to increase your LR and GRA score. You should be using more academic sounding and formal expressions to describe things. Phrases like "an extended period of time" would work towards increasing the LR and GRA potential of your presentation.

Always double check your sentence presentations for any punctuation errors that might affect your GRA score. Remember that the word "so" when used at the start of a sentence, is considered an introductory element and must have a comma after the word. Also, words like "old fashioned" requires a hyphen to connect the two words of different meaning to create a new, united meaning for the seemingly unrelated words. Therefore, present it as "old-fashioned".

There are other grammatical errors in the essay that could have easily been spotted and corrected had you taken the time to review the essay first. Don't always assume that the version you finish writing is the final form. That is just a draft. Always review and revise the essay to help boost your scoring chances in all fronts. Only after checking the essay twice can you consider it to be in final submission form.

Writing Feedback / Due to the internet invention, the world is getting smaller by connecting people - task 2 [3]

It is better to not get too creative with your terms used in the essay. While you will be impressing the examiner with the term "flat world", you will also be creating a prompt deviation as you have to explain what the word means to the reader. Just stick to the basic paraphrasing of the original topic along the lines of:

The world is constantly drawing people into a smaller social circle through technology. It is said that this trend helps people better talk to one another. I agree that technology, such as the internet does help to make contacting one another much simpler.

It is more important to use your own words in restating the prompt topic and reason for discussion than it is to introduce a topic, such as "flat world" that could end up taking over the whole essay by changing the restatement. Stick to using English words that will impress by sticking to the original requirements of the task. Don't try to over explain things. Just keep it simple. You only have 40 minutes for this task.

While you wrote just the right number of words for the test, your essay tends to be composed of run-on sentences in the second paragraph. Try to keep the sentences short, using transition phrases whenever possible. You don't need to offer too many examples of social media services The most popular reference would have sufficed. You are not being tested on your knowledge of the topic, just your ability to discuss the topic in English. Don't overdo the information to the point of wanting to become an authority on the issue. Your objective is to explain the essay topic to someone who is a native English speaker, in your own way, using your own words.

Your essay is really informative and you show an admirable ability to use the English language. Based on this writing, I have no doubt that you will pass the test. You just have to bring your writing skills down a notch to fit the test requirements.

Writing Feedback / Is it more beneficial to play sport in team than in individual? ielts writting task 2 [4]

Nguyne, this is a 3 reasoning paragraph essay composed of the following:

1. Public Point of view 1 - Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams
2. Public Point of View 2 - while people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better
3. Personal Point of view - Based on your analysis or support of one of the two public points of view.

You have changed the total discussion instruction for this essay to a single point of view. A single point of view essay is only applicable to direct question responses. This prompt deviation can be clearly seen in your instruction paraphrase that explains:

From my perspectives, I think both types of sports have their own benefits and it depends on what purpose people choose to play.

when the actual discussion instruction is:

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The two points of view need to be discussed from a public perspective, not a personal understanding. By saying "On the one hand" and " On the other hand", along with "I think..." You created a personal rather that public comparison discussion for the whole essay. You should have said "One can understand why certain people would support" or "Thinking about the other group's opinion though..."

Regardless of the lack of word count, the essay would still fail because it did not follow the instructed discussion method which addresses the TA requirements.

Scholarship / English Language and Choosing Korea - KGSP.. personal statement [4]

Eliana, this is an over discussed essay. You do not really need to write a new essay. You just have to go back and review the prompt discussion topics. From there, pick out the relevant sentences and paragraphs from this current essay, splice these information together, and create a totally new essay. You may want to cut down on the information regarding your professional background though. Then better represent what your undergraduate course was and how your academic career looked at the time.

I think that I can better help you by pointing you in the right paragraph editing direction. You may use the following paragraph numbers as reference points 1,2,3,4. Every paragraph has at least 2 sentences that can help you launch into a revised essay presentation. Just keep track of the prompt requirements and look for direct responses that you wrote in every paragraph. Improve upon the choppy presentation resulting from the bits and pieces of relevant sentences taken from different paragraphs to make it a smooth and informative essay. You don't have to write everything from scratch.

Scholarship / My engineering future - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR KGSP [3]

Vishal, your essay seems to lack focus. It is not really focus on how your background in engineering addresses the motivation and reason for your interest to study in Korea. Neither do I see a relationship between your education, research abilities, and professional accomplishments. Your essay verges strongly on the uninformative because of the vagueness of your presentation. Are you afraid that you will not qualify for the scholarship? Is that why your responses are mere implications rather than statements? This is not an essay that will be seen as competitive in the screening round. If you want to have a chance of getting past the screening, you have to define the responses more in relation to your undergraduate major, your work experience, and detailed examples of your research skills. If I were to revise your essay, I would do it using the following topic sentences:

Motivation: My curiosity to learn new things...aspects of technology.
Academic Background: Honours in Bachelor of Technology for Electrical Engineering. I obtained 8.9/10 CGPA during the four consecutive years of my degree and consistently stayed in the top 3 positions in the class of 60 students (Expand to include your internship experience in the relevant field).

Professional: I have had various work (Needs to be represented)
Reason: Needs to be related to Engineering in your country and what you can learn from Korean engineers and / or companies during internships or other hands on programs at the university. This should be the focus more than the bilateral reason because there does not seem to be an Engineering connection in that reference.

Research information: I did an internship at Defense Research and Development Lab and Various Projects in University (Relate it to research skills developed during this time) and any published work you might have.

Revise the essay to focus on the Korean relationship with your actual undergraduate major and professional experience. Always consider the required information over the information that you want to share with the reviewer. It is the prior that will help your essay during the screening process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advantages and Disadvantages of Student Gap Year - teenagers dillema [3]

Sunil, you have to practice timed writing of these essays. There is absolutely no way you can write over 400 words for a Task 2 essay. That is impossible, You are only supposed to write 25 lines of text, the equivalent of 250 words for this test. A little more than that maxes out at 300. 275 being the ideal essay word length. All of these word safeguards are in place to give you a chance to improve upon the essay content within the allotted time. You over wrote in this essay.

You also failed to use an academic tone / formal presentation for this essay. You are not allowed to use a casual writing tone as you did here when addressing the Task 2 prompts. You are being scored on your ability to use academic English, not casual conversation English. So terms such as "reason why" should only be "reason". You must also use the proper descriptive adverb when using terms such as "very important". Either use a descriptive adverb or remove the adverb.

Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect. You are offering an opinion in the paraphrase which is not allowed. The proper paraphrase for this essay, using an academic tone is:

There is a global growth in high school graduates who are enticed to seek a year of employment or travel prior to entering college. While there is an advantage to these practices, there are also disadvantages to this trend. Students have to decide which of the two options is right for them.

After properly introducing the discussion topic and instructions in your own words, you can then proceed with the formal discussion within the next 2 reasoning paragraphs. You may use up to 3 paragraphs for the reasoning aspect. Do not place questions within your essay discussion because that alters the task response and could to a prompt deviation on your part. In this essay, you did exactly that and that changed the discussion focus for that paragraph. It was no longer aligned with the discussion topic provided.

Familiarize yourself with American idioms before you use it. You are confusing the reader. The correct reference is " After looking at both sides of the story". By the way, you can't use a personal opinion to close the essay. You can only present a concluding summary that reiterates the topic, the discussion points you presented, and a final statement on the matter. Your essay has a hanging conclusion because it does not have a real concluding statement at the end of it.

Letters / Letter to express my interest in applying to the Information Systems Management (ISM) master degree [4]

Instructions 2 and 3 still apply to the revision of your essay. The change to the first instruction will only be that you explain your interest in the course as having its basis within the "tightening of my major" reason that you provided. Once you clearly explain why you feel a need to tighten your major, then the reviewer will also understand that you are not changing career paths but rather, increasing your potential to become a better skilled worker in this field going forward. That was the only confusing part of your essay as far as I can tell. The rest of the essay needs additional explanations just the same. The explanations should apply to the discussion points that will help the reviewer understand what your future career plans are and how your academic training fits into the scenario. Discuss it as a continuing education option to help reinforce the idea that you are undergoing these studies to help you update your theoretical knowledge and update your practical skills to help prepare you prepare for a more demanding future as a professional

Letters / Studying in South Korean is always the big dream that I aspire to achieve - KGSP personal statement [2]

Nguyen, you do not have to explain why you need the scholarship. Do not include information that is not required by the discussion topic list. The reviewer only needs specific information which is why you are being told that information to present. That means the explanation as to why you need the scholarship, and your study methods during college are of no interest to the reviewer.

After you have taken out the unnecessary information, work on expanding the explanation of your research experience. It is too short and does not present vital information to the reviewer. Make sure to mention the research title, publication name, and publication date of your published work. The reviewer will surely look into those publications because those prove an advanced research skill on your part that will make you an excellent candidate for the scholarship program.

There is a hanging sentence in this essay that requires clarification. Please expand the presentation of the following:

Becoming an engineer in Samsung or LG is not only my dream but the dream of any students.

Why is it your dream to work for these companies? What do you hope to contribute to the advancement of their existing technology? Discuss this a bit in this essay but go in-depth (if applicable) with its presentation when you write your goal of study / study plan.

I noticed that there is no reference to any professional experience on your part. Why is that? If you lack professional experience, it may be difficult for you to gain consideration as a potential scholar. There is no evidence of professional skills and future application for your masters course, which is a required discussion point for the GKS program. Try to impress upon the reviewer that you have professional skills which will benefit from your advanced studies to strengthen your application. The lack of professional experience weakens the strength of your abilities as a published researcher.

Basically, you have a good draft essay. It requires more work and additional information to finalize the presentation though. You are on the right track with this presentation. Concentrate on increasing its profile by removing irrelevant points and adding information or discussion where required.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. The topic is about talent in art. [2]

Ngo, try to avoid writing run-on sentences. A run-on sentence is identified as a very long sentence that has different ideas and topics presented in one sentence, separated by commas. When you have less than 3 sentences in your paragraph, as in the case of the opening paraphrase of your essay, you automatically have a run-on sentence and you are producing only 2 sentences per paragraph. That means you are not meeting the minimum paragraph sentence requirement of 3 sentences and your sentence formations are not as good as it can be. When that happens, your GRA score is affected.

Now, I noticed that your essay is focused on YouTube as the center of the "anyone can do it" discussion. Since the prompt indicates a generalized discussion, your response presentation should also be the same way. Remember, there are also street artists and independent performers who do not use YouTube as the launchpad. That is why you need not focus on only one channel of talent showcase for the discussion.

I did observe though that you have an acceptable grasp of the English language and you are able to explain yourself clearly in your presentation. There are very little instances of writing errors that can cause confusion and stress for the reader. This will help you very much in terms of cohesiveness and coherence considerations. You will score very well in that section. So your essay will have a good chance of getting at least a passing score.

In the end, I would have to say that this is a good essay that may get a higher than just passing score. You did almost everything right except for the run-on sentences and focus on YouTube when it should have been a generalized discussion. I also like the way that you were able to present your disagreement with the statement in a creative way that did not follow the memorized response format. That means that the run-on sentences will lower your score, but your innovative writing will also increase the score. It is safe to assume that your score in the GRA section will balance out in the end.

Letters / Why are you interested in a position and career at Tasty Food company? [2]

Your response is a bit confusing. Are you still a student at Georgia Tech? Are you applying for a part-time position? Since the question relates to a specific position at the company and the potential for a long term career, I do not feel like your response is appropriate. The short answer should show the reviewer that you are familiar with the work that the company does and that your skills are aligned with the needs of the company, specifically in the position you are applying for. There is no reference as to why you would want to have a career at the company aside from learning reasons. The company, from the way the questions are presented, is looking for someone who is willing to stay long-term with the company and grow with them. The company is not looking to hire someone who will only use their facilities as a teaching and learning tool. You need to rethink your response to show that you want to work at the company long term and that your interest in the position is more on the long term profession side instead of the learning situation you are showcasing in this response statement. Back to the drawing board. Rethink your response in relation to a long-term career consideration. That is what the company is looking for in its applicants.

Letters / Letter to express my interest in applying to the Information Systems Management (ISM) master degree [4]

Zamir, your motivation is somewhere in this version of the letter. I can sense it is there but, I simply cannot read it. It is not clear enough in your statements. You have to focus this on the motivation for your studies at the university alone. Try to provide simplified paragraphs that explain the following:

1. Explain why you would rather study an ISM masters immediately rather than working after graduation. Use an academic motivation for this paragraph. Focus on why you are changing your career focus from business administration to ISM. You need a strong academic motivation that will connect the two course paths somehow and create a logical motivation for your career change.

2. Explain why the academic motivation will help you become a better IS manager. This will represent your professional motivation. Answer the question, "Why ISM? How does it relate to Business Administration professionally?"

3. Try to give a personal reason for choosing this masters course as well. It's ranking in the Eduniversal ranking means nothing to the reviewer. That whole paragraph does not explain a reason that could pass for a motivation for choosing this university. It is public knowledge and doesn't really help the application.

For the closing statement, you can use the following part:

I want to benefit from ...overall general development.

That would sound like you having a personal motivation for choosing the university and, with the proper revision to the paragraph, will help you close the motivation letter on a strong note.

Scholarship / Personal statement for KGSP in pharmacy science major [2]

Le, don't start off the essay with "When I was a child..." because the reviewers tend to disbelieve any student who says that. Rather, indicate that you were influenced by your grandfather who was a herbalist That sounds more believable than your current opening statement. The rest of the paragraphs after that are strong enough. Except, your research experience, which is leaning more towards simply mentioning your participation in such activities . Such a reference does not strengthen the application with regards to your strengths as researcher and your ability to complete complex research requirements. You have the background to support these claims. You mention your impressive research experience here. Discuss it further by explaining what research was done, how it was done, what your role was, and how you developed your (other) research skills during the process of working on the group project. The last paragraph is unnecessary. It is not required information and weakens the strength of your motivation and reasons to study in Korea.

Writing Feedback / Recidivism - Ielts writing: Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the 1st punishment [2]

Tranh, this essay cannot be reviewed properly for two reasons. The first, is that you have not provided the complete original prompt / discussion requirement that you have created a response for. I require that information so that I can review your work based on a given set of instructions, in addition to the scoring criteria for the IELTS Task 2 writing. The second problem, is that you wrote only 216 out of the minimum 250 word requirement. That translates to an automatic failing score due to word count deductions leading up to the minimum word requirement. Based on these two reasons, I do not feel that it would be fair for me to review your work and point out mistakes and corrections, knowing very well that this is not an appropriate representation of your writing skills. Please provide another essay, this time meeting the 250 minimum word requirement so that I can review your work appropriately.

Undergraduate / Ritsumeikan University undergraduate application essay; What are you proud of? [3]

I believe that there is too much anger in this essay for it to be a "proud" statement essay. There is actually no reference as to what lessons you learned and how you can apply these within any subjects being taught under the Global Studies major of the university. Rather than being such an angry statement of how you fought off bullies and learned to fend for yourself, you should be discussing, at the very least, how you used diplomacy to resolve the social adjustment issues you had in school with every country that you moved to. A global studies major would be a pacifist who knows how to make friends and peace, create acceptance and tolerance, in the face of bullying and physical altercations. I do not sense any of these abilities in this essay. All I learned was that you did not adjust well to your new environments and that you learned how to fight back. Your return to Korea does not indicate any method by which you applied any of the lessons that you learned when dealing with people of other cultures while you were overseas. The essay falls on the weak side due to the lack of justifications relating to lessons learned, how you applied the lessons in your life, and how it has helped you become a person who can better interact with others during times of dispute or conflict, which is the whole point of being a global major.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Veganism is becoming popular to its numerous benefits. To what extent do you agree? [3]

Nguyen, the essay will get an automatic failing score for not having been written using the minimum 250 word format. When you write under the minimum word count, penalties will be applied towards the missing words. This often times results in a failing essay because of the other consideration mistakes (LR, GRA, C&C) that exist in your work. In this case, you have several spelling errors that could have been made when you retyped the essay, or you actually misspelled when you practiced your handwritten essay.

An additional TA error that you made is that you did not indicate an extent response to the essay question. You said you agree with the statement but did not offer a degree such as "wholly, totally, partially, to a strong degree" and other variations of emotional agreement. In this instance, you could have said "I partially agree with this statement for several reasons." I assumed that this would be the best measured response because you opted to do a comparison discussion of the pros and cons of vegetarianism.

There are subject verb agreements in the essay that stem from the mistake in your word usage. Learn to differentiate between the singular and plural forms of a word. In this case, "young people is" creates the plural form of "a young person". Therefore it should be written as "young people are". Such errors fall under the GRA section and will have a strong lowering effect on your score.

Undergraduate / Computer Science Personal Statement Reason for Application Essay for Waseda University [2]

Keia, from a score of 1-10, with 10 being the highest score, I think this would be a 2. It has a tremendously strong introduction but falls apart by the time it reaches the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Those are highly inconsistent presentations that do not explain why you chose to apply to Waseda University. The 4th paragraph is scattered in terms of logic, reasoning, and presentation, but has a chance to be revised into a paragraph that can clearly explain why you chose to study at the university. The professional goal is acceptably explained, but the academic area, not so much. Rather than focusing on the computer science education reasons, you suddenly changed focus and spoke about the importance of learning computer science related subjects in English instead. That is where the last paragraph lost sight of the correct "Reasons" discussion.

Take the first paragraph, do not change anything. Write a new second paragraph. One that explains the reasons why you feel the need to prepare for 21st century computer technologies. Make the current 4th paragraph your new third paragraph with the changes I advised above. Then write a new closing paragraph that explains your idea to contribute to 21st century computer technologies after you graduate.

Remember, you need 3 strong points here: academic, professional, and future applications. Do that very well in the essay and you will have a strong reasoning essay for submission.

Writing Feedback / Consumer devices in the UK IELTS task 1 : The table chart [3]

Ngoc, the whole essay shows that you do not understand how to use connecting words to create an understandable essay in English. You have to learn when to use the words "the, in, and, an, a, because" and a host of other connecting words that help to connect the ideas and topics in your sentence and paragraph presentations. Let me show you samples of where you made these mistakes:

As is revealed the graph = ... revealed IN the graph

You also need to present a more comprehensive summary overview that includes not only the type of graph used topic, and inclusive years, but also the type of measurements and items being measured. When possible, include the source of the information as well.

For a task 1 essay, I have to say that you wrote too many words. You should only spend 20 minutes on this task so the logical number of written words should be around 150-200 words only. There is a lack of trending sentence and an additional paragraph to make the essay a properly formatted Task 1 essay. The Task 1 essay should have 4 paragraphs in it.

You did a good job of explaining the content of the graph. The main problem you have is in the formatting and use of connecting words so make sure to study the methods by which you can correct those mistakes and apply them to the next practice essay.

Scholarship / English Literature - Personal Statement for KGSP/GKS Scholarship-Graduate School [2]

Suheda, you have more than enough information here to present a strong personal statement. You need to remove certain information, not add to it. You also need to clarify certain factors that led to your decision to study English in Korea.

For starters, you can remove the reference to your family in the essay. Since this is not a Undergraduate application and the family background is not a requirement for the G program, they need not be referenced as that does not add useful information. Instead, explain what motivated you to study English in college then relate that to your interest in languages and Hangul in particular. Since you did not study English as your major, you should explain why you believe you will be a successful English masters student, considering that you specialized in Korean as an undergraduate.

The reference to your Korean language studies should be given a higher profile since that will help to boost the interest of the reviewer in your application. If it appears that you can skip the TOPIK test, then you are practically a shoo-in for the scholarship. Korean proficiency is given a tremendous amount of consideration in the GKS application.

Talking about your GPA in relation to your research abilities (unrepresented in this essay) will help as well. You do not really explain your strengths as a researcher in the essay. That should be further highlighted in the presentation, with less attention paid to your being an English tutor. Develop the discussion of the semester you spent in Korea as well. All of the information I am listing here, when properly developed, will definitely make you a contender for the grant.

Graduate / The need for representation of women in the Bahamas [5]

The examples of successful women will depend upon which sector of society you want to represent their participation in. You should be able to decide where the examples you provide can offer the most impact in your information presentation. If you can present a successful female contribution in every field that you mention then that would certainly raise the profile of the discussion and prove your point about the need for more female representation in your country.

You should try your best to provide insights into the topics that your professor provided because that will remove the sense of redundancy in your essay. Go for the discussion of various forms of representation in society. I am sure you will have more then enough information regarding those situations to help explain several forms of "representation" for the females in the Bahamas. Explain why fair hiring policies should be pushed by the government and women's rights groups. Explain why doing so will help to lower the rate of sexism in the country as well. If you improve the paper based on the suggested discussion topics of your professor, you will end up with a tremendously insightful research paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Sharing the Information (the most significant for human) - Writing Task 2 [4]

Aysun, writing over 300 words in a task 2 essay will be a problem because you will not be able to properly edit the essay before submitting it for scoring. Not only that, but you are going to have to handwrite the essay information so you may find that it will be tiresome to write over 400 words for the essay. Additionally, if you use a timer when you do the practice tests, you will find that there is not enough time to write that many words in the actual timed test setting. So try to write anywhere from 250-275 words, with 300 words being the maximum number of words you can write. Let's put it this way, if you write 25 lines at 5 lines per paragraph, you should have written enough words to assist you in passing the test. You are not being tested on knowledge of a given topic here, just your ability to explain yourself in English. There is no need to overdo the presentation.

I noticed that in this essay, you discussed the two points of view coming from a personal angle. The essay is asking you to discuss the first 2 points coming from the public point of view. Therefore, the public opinion should be clearly indicated when writing the discussion. That way the examiner knows that you are not yet discussing your personal opinion. The personal opinion discussion should come, properly represented by ownership words "In my opinion, I believe that, That is why I support" and other variations thereof prove that you are finally discussing your personal opinion.

Your prompt paraphrase does not properly indicate the required information when it comes to the discussion style, since this is not a direct question essay, you should not have started the discussion in the paraphrase. That is because each paragraph should have only one discussion topic (unless otherwise specified) that is fully explained within 3-5 sentences.

You tried too hard to impress with this essay. Please try to keep your writing within the appropriate and expected levels of writing. There are various examples available at this forum to help you familiarize yourself with the different approaches to such discussions. You may even come across the same topic as practiced by a previous test taker here. You will definitely learn from reading such samples of writing and how to avoid the errors they made with their own work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing essay: Should we legalize the right to die? [3]

Nguyen, unless you provide the complete prompt when you post your essay, it will be difficult to do a total review of your writing approach. I do not have any idea what your response method should be and how the presentation should be formatted in the paragraphs. Please remember to supply that information the next time you post an essay for review.

Since you wrote less than 250 words, you will automatically get a penalty for the missing word. That means you will lose a certain amount of points due to writing under the word count. So you have to work harder on the other aspects of the essay to make sure that the single missing word will not mean that your essay will fail the test. You have other errors in the presentation that could affect the overall score as well. That is why you have to make sure that you write at least the minimum word count every time you write a practice test. When you write at least the minimum word count, there is a greater chance you will get a better score for every consideration.

You have word choice errors in the essay. I think this was a mistake that you made while typing into the box. I believe you meant to say "... put an end to such breakdown..." but you accidentally typed "put and end" in that phrase.

I can't go beyond these observations because your review instructions are incomplete. I hope that you will note the necessity of writing the minimum word count for the essay though and be more careful the next time you write your essay. Always read, revise, and review before you submit the essay, even if it is just for a practice test.

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship Personal Statement Essay, study in China [3]

Judy, this essay explains your decision to study abroad very well. However, your motivations for studying abroad, your plans for your career after in relation to the study abroad plan, and a host of other information in the essay are too simplistic to be considered true factors that led to the decision you have made. Being a current scholar under a different program, why did you feel that it was alright to take a leap of faith and leave that scholarship behind? Why do you feel that this study abroad program will be the best way for you to learn how to become an interpreter?

From what you have told me in this essay, there is nothing that you are learning in your current university that would prove an educational betterment by going to China. There are even similar programs such as "language buddies" in your statement. Therefore, I do not believe that you are a qualified candidate for the scholarship. There are too many factors going against your application based on this essay.

Let's be blunt. You wrote a personal statement based upon what you wanted to say to the interviewer, if this had been a formal interviewer without information guidelines. The problem is, there are 6 questions supplied for the writing of this discussion. 6 questions that you failed to properly, strongly, relevantly, and engagingly respond to within the current essay. To better your chances at the scholarship, you must make sure that you write responses to all 6 questions being asked.

The way I read your essay, it appears that you selectively responded to the questions, which makes the personal statement short of being useless to your application. Review the questions, respond to all of these questions, then we shall see if your essay will become any stronger and competitive in presentations. Make sure that the motivations and reasons you present are strong for studying abroad. Then create an academic goal or goals for studying abroad that you feel cannot be addressed at your current university. Then think of how this will improve your chances of becoming a sought after interpreter after you graduate. What is the professional goal ? Eye on the prize. What is that ultimate achievement that can be had from winning this scholarship and studying in China. BTW, be specific about the region you will be studying in since there are several forms of Chinese language available. Since you are focusing on Mandarin, make sure your essay information reflects the importance of that choice.

Graduate / The need for representation of women in the Bahamas [5]

Mickey, your discussion is generalized in presentation. There is a lack of substantial evidence to support the claims you are making in this essay. There needs to be more reference to any successful women in the Bahamas that have already laid out the foundation for the additional need for female representation in the area. Try to develop a discussion that refers to notable Bahamian women whose participation in the female rights movement has already spurred a growth in terms of female representation. Explain how these women managed to change the system and why a continuing evolution of that participation can only be good for the improvement of that field. Right now, the essay seems to just be constantly harping on the same information in every paragraph. It does not progress due to the lack of discussion representation and expanded meaning of female participation in various fields. Open with a reference to a field where women are slowly making changes because of their participation and close with a reference to a notable acceptance of female participation in a different or the same field. That should help the essay become stronger in terms of hooking the attention of the reader.

Graduate / Difficult to be accepted into Physical Therapy. Personal Essay 2018-2019 PTCAS [3]

Samuel, it seems to me like the line of presentation your essay would follow creates an unnecessary focus on your friend rather than your own meaningful experience in life. The essay is not about how you were inspired to become a physical therapist. The topic wants you to discuss how you entered into a mature phase in your life. What was the pivotal event that led you to take charge, either through personal growth, attitude, or perceptions? You have to show several points in this type of essay:

1. Who you were before the event
2. What the event was about and how it occurred.
3. What aspects of this experience forced a change in you.
4. How you changed because of the event. (attitude, perception, conviction, drive, etc.)
5. Who you are today having progressed from that point in time.

Based on the discussion focus point, I do not believe that the inclusion of the friend will be good for the discussion. It would force the essay to center on someone other than yourself. It would make that person the central character of the essay, which will detract from the development of your character. Unless you can keep your best friend as a minor character and not allow the friendship and subsequent death take over the essay, I do not suggest that you follow this line of presentation. Consider the discussion requirements first and then develop the story you want to tell around those requirements.

Scholarship / Statement of purpose for GKS, Master of Epidemiology [3]

Rezahaya, the first part of your essay that discusses how you are interested in improving your Hangul skills should be included in the essay about how you plan to improve your language skills while in Korea. That does not belong in the study plan. If you will just reformat all of the information after the language discussion to better represent your research interests towards the completion of your study years, you will have a proper study plan in place. Formalize the presentation in the manner of a thesis presentation. I am sure you remember how to do that. You had to present a thesis paper and defend it before you were able to graduate from college right?

The study plan for the GKS program is the same thing. Indicate the topic, how the research will be done, what you hope to accomplish, and why you believe that doing the research in Korea is the best option for you as a professional who hopes to improve the field you work in. The information you have presented in this essay is enough to create the formal thesis proposal for your study plan so go ahead and reformat the presentation. You know what information you have to present to prove that you will use your study time wisely as a scholar. I look forward to reading your revised and more appropriate thesis proposal for the study plan.

Bear in mind, this is a tentative proposal. The reviewer will not hold you to this research topic if you want to change it later on. What matters though, is that you can prove that you have a course of personal study in mind and that the personal study will have a definite purpose during your time as a scholar or career application once you return to work.

Scholarship / Machine Learning and Computer Science - Personal Statement for Korean Scholarship [2]

Quoc, a study plan is a representation of how you plan to spend your time outside of the classroom learning about a specific topic related to your masters course which can have a professional application upon your completion of the program. This is a thesis proposal presentation, not a long winded discussion how you plan to study and what inspired you to study. This is not an essay that accurately represents a study plan, which, by the way, I am currently confused about because the title of your essay is a personal statement but when you presented the essay you said you are working on your study plan. Which is which? I am not sure if I am guiding you properly due to the confusing nature of your declarations in this essay. For now I will choose to believe that you are presenting a study plan. For that you need the following:

Study Title
Objectives
Thesis Statement
Methodology
Expected Outcome

Once you properly represent the research proposal requirements, you will have a proper study plan in place for your presentation. If you are looking to present a personal statement, then I need to know what the personal statement discussion requirements are so I can properly review your essay. Remember, I can only give you correct advice if you do not offer confusing explanations for what your essay is actually about. Your Thread Title needs to represent the content of your essay. You cannot call a Study Plan a Personal Statement. Those are 2 different essays with two different writing focus points.

Scholarship / MSc of Entrepreneurship - Stuned Scholarship Essay. [2]

Vania, paragraph 3 needs to be cut down. It is the "researched information" part of your presentation that does not really tie in with any of the required information listed in the discussion list. You can keep the following part of the paragraph, but you have to remove the rest:

Furthermore, I also plan to inspire ...are the backbone of the Indonesian economy. These aspects have long been in my consideration ...sought after upon my graduation and I can positively contribute to my country.

By eliminating the research data, you bring the focus back to your plans and responses to the provided questions. You don't need to educate the reviewer about specifics. Just stick to aspects that represent how you qualify as a scholarship candidate. That is done by keeping the essay short, focused, and informative.

Scholarship / KGSP personal statement for master in cyber security program [2]

Olawale, the most significant problem in your essay is the lack of a Korean connection within your motivation, reasons for study, and professional exposure. Those are the main components that need to interconnect with a visible interest in Korea within your personal statement. It appears to me that you did not even consider the actual requirements for this essay because you even failed to prove that you have a strong foundation in terms of research and study opportunities, which are important requirements for this presentation as well.

You have focused too much on the Nigeria connection with Cyber Security and not enough in justifying why you should be awarded a scholarship based on how the Korean Cyber Security training programs tie in with your academic requirements and professional needs. There is a strong indicator of your interest in the topic, but it is not enough to convince the reviewer that you are actually interested in studying this course in Korea. Your essay can actually be used for any generic scholarship, which is not a good sign for your work. That means it borders on the common approach and will most likely not make it past the screening round.

Review the GKS-G personal statement writing topic requirements again. This time, write an essay that is centered on Korea as the focal point of your educational interests. Create connections whenever required and indicated to within the prompt discussion. This is not an essay that strongly leans towards a Korean education requirement for your application. I specifically want you to focus on proving that you have real Korean expertise based reasons for your desire to study in the country. Your motivation must also be Korea centered in order to convince the reviewer that this is not a generic scholarship essay that you are submitting to other scholarship programs for consideration.

Writing Feedback / Sustainable development - government should spend money on railways rather than roads [3]

Hanh, if I am not mistaken, the prompt you are responding to for this Task 2 essay is an "extent of agreement or disagreement" essay. As such, I can safely say that you did not respond to the essay properly. The prompt is asking you:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

To which you responded:

benefits of building roads, advantages of constructing railways are undeniable.

This being the normal prompt for this topic, I hate to say this but, you actually would not get a passing score with this essay because you did not accurately respond to the discussion requirements. This is a measured single opinion essay which you discussed as a comparative essay instead. Your writing runs counter to the discussion instructions, which means you will get an automatic failing score for the TA section. As such, there is no possibility that you can pass the test because you showed a lack of English comprehension skills in relation to academic writing.

I am judging your work based on previous experiences that I have had with this prompt. If you are responding to a different prompt then you should have included it with your posting. I can only advice you properly if you provide me with the review instructions for your paper. That is represented by the original prompt requirements as provided to you. Give us a copy of the discussion you will be writing about with your next essay should you decide to post it here. That way you can get relevant advice for your work.

Undergraduate / Why NYU? Transfer Essay College of Arts and Sciences Computer Science Major [3]

Koo, this essay has several presentation points that are not often paid attention to by the reviewer because of the way it does not relate to the question being asked. In this case, the question is "Why did you choose to study at NYU?" not "Why did you decide to study in New York". Then there are aspects when you are reminding the reviewer about things that he is all to familiar with the university, which makes the essay condescending. Based on these considerations, I have come the conclusion that you can revise the essay in this following manner:

Computer science is my main academic interest, ... to study both. Game Engineering is a course I would love to take...would at the same age. The chance to study w... to continue my education.

Yes, the explanation can be completed in one paragraph and, due to the word limitation on this response, you should keep your presentation short but highly informative. The manner I put together your response above is one way of giving a concise response that represents the points of interest to the reviewer. If possible, add a smooth connection or transition that shows how your decision to study at NYU, based on academics, was influenced by your desire to transfer from your current university. A single sentence explaining why this is a logical transfer for you will suffice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Using punishment as a way to deal with challenging behaviour in children... [4]

Le, I am not going to give you a score for this essay because it is your first time writing such an exercise. As such, I expect to see only problems with your work that need to be addressed. There are several issues with your manner of writing that tell me exactly that.

The first problem with your essay is that you created a redundant paraphrase. Both your first and second paragraphs respond to the questions provided in different ways. You only need to properly paraphrase the essay once. The next paragraph must already be a reasoning paragraph. In addition to that, the essay directly asks you to outline the reasoning statement your will be making in the later part of the essay by clearly stating, not implying, what alternative punishments teachers and parents should implement. So you should be indicating at least 2 alternatives in the prompt paraphrase and response. That will be one alternative for teachers, one for parents. That will bring the reasoning paragraphs to a total of 3 paragraphs composed of:

1. An explanation of your partial agreement/disagreement
2. Alternative for teachers
3. alternative for parents.

You have written too many words for this essay. You cannot handwrite this length during the actual test. Make sure to write at least 25 lines at the most to meet the minimum word requirement. That is 250 words within 25 lines, mo more than 300 words at 30 lines. Then you will have time to edit your paper and create a well discussed response presentation.

Scholarship / Self Presentation letter - KGSP (mechanical engineering) [2]

Isabela, try to approach the writing of the self presentation for the undergrad scholarship in a manner similar to that of the graduate scholarship so that you can have a more directed essay that informs the reviewer of key points in your background that could be relevant to your application. Some of the topics that you can discuss, which will be relevant to your application are:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests

For the motivation part, you can explain how you have always wanted to become a mechanical engineer and what influenced that decision. The education aspect should relate to your high school technical school experience. The work experience can be a discussion of the foundation of your practical mechanical engineer training at the school. Your reason for studying in Korea should relate to the engineering accomplishments of Korea in the field of cars (Hyundai, Kia) or other related fields. As for the other aspects, you should develop your discussion about why you wrote a thesis paper about artificial limbs and how that applies to your interest in mechanical engineering.

The combination of these discussions should represent you as a dedicated, hard-working, imaginative, and potentially, exemplary mechanical engineer who just needs a chance to have a good education. That should be a part of the reason why you want to study in Korea.

Scholarship / KGSP biological science personal statement; "the driving force" [2]

Giusi, while this essay carries a personal note throughout, it not a competitive scholarship because it fails to address the true information placed in the writing instructions for the personal statement. The series of questions you have to represent in your responses are:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

I can actually see some of the motivations, reasons, and other aspects of your background that are relevant to the discussion. However, the presentation is not direct to the point and often strays from the required information presentation. In fact, I do not believe that this essay will fit on an A4 sized paper due to its length. You must shorten it by providing direct responses to the questions. That means, you do not need to present the literature you have read, the friends you made, your high school education, and family references. Those are the reasons why this essay is running too long and is often hard to read.

Don;t use Kimchi recipes as the introduction you have to Korea. Instead, use the reference to your professor and KRIBB instead. That is a more relevant an interesting starting point for your interest in Korea and why you chose to study your masters in Korea.

You can respond to these questions in 4-5 paragraphs. Just make sure to always refer to the discussion questions as you write so that you will know if you have responded to everything already or not. I cannot even begin to help edit your current essay because of the way you have over stated discussion points within it. That is what this essay difficult to edit. That is why I believe it would be better if you wrote a new, shorter essay instead.

Undergraduate / Sustainable management - self introduction, job application [3]

Kim, this is not a very effective job application letter. As a self introduction, it does not help me understand how you will make a good candidate for the position you are applying to. First of all, you never referenced what position that was. Second, you did not clearly indicate how your accomplishments, talents, and skills are relevant to the position.Finally, you do not indicate a career objective that can be addressed by working in the position you are interested in. Therefore, I do not really believe that this is an effective self introduction / job application letter. This should be presented professionally using a bullet point listing that indicates the following:

1. What position you are applying for;
2. Your relevant undergraduate major;
3. Skills in bullet point listing as it applies to the position;
4. Short reference to what you hope to bring to the position you are applying for.

This is a cover letter to it must be a summary of the documents that you will be submitting. It should also have a more professional tone to it. The current version you have is too informal. You must also make sure that you check for spelling and grammar errors in your letter. You have several of those presented in this version. I am not correcting it at this point because this is not the final version of the letter so the corrections can still be done or removed as you revise the paper.

Writing Feedback / Language: Scientists say that in the future humanity will speak the same language. [2]

Tran, you cannot say "thousand of decade ago". A decade is equal to 10 years, which is a singular form of the word as it represents 1 decade. When you say "thousands" you are referring to the plural form of decade so it should be written as "thousands of decades..." with an S to signify the plural form of the word. This is a noun phrase disagreement that you should be conscious of.

By the way, you wrote too many words. You cannot handwrite 322 words within 40 minutes during the test. It cannot be done. You can only write between 250-275 words, leaving some minutes for the editing of your work. If you write 300 or more, you will not be able to edit your paper before submitting it and the errors you made will remain and be considered when scoring your paper. You need to write only the right number of words so that you can present a proof read paper at the very least.

This is also a single opinion, not a comparison paper. By asking you; "Do you think this is a positive or negative social development?", the discussion indicates that you are to choose one side of the discussion to support in your reasoning paragraphs using at least 2 supporting reasons/examples. Your essay is doing a comparison format discussion which runs counter to your indicated opinion of; "I strongly believe that it would be seriously detrimental to humans being." Therefore the essay will only be scored for the discussion that falls under the proper TA response that you presented in your paraphrase.

Your concluding sentence is unacceptable. That has to be in the form of a reverse paraphrase. It must indicate the topic for discussion, your opinion, supporting reasons, and a closing sentence. It must be composed of at least 3 sentences to be considered a complete paragraph. This is the same mistake that you made with your original prompt paraphrase so that it also fell under the minimum sentence requirement.

Scholarship / Comparative Literature Study Plan KGSP Graduate [4]

You are most likely still over discussing the points I listed for you. Try to cut it down by reviewing your presentations. Shorten every paragraph by being more concise in your presentation. I do not know what else to remove because I haven't seen the essay you wrote. However, since it is too long for the page, then the problem has to do with wordiness. Like I said, do not over discuss, just keep it short. Edit the content to have a shorter presentation. There is nothing else you can take out because I already took out the parts that don't help move the essay forward. I need to see the new version to decide if there is anything else that can be taken out and what parts can be shortened. Do not try to present too much information. Just keep it basic. Check your font size as well. Make sure you are using the minimum allowable font size for the page. That should help make it fit better.

Writing Feedback / Poor people and people from rural areas and universal education [2]

Lien, please remember to time yourself during the pencil practice test. Always allot at least 10 minutes of editing time towards the end to polish and perfect your essay presentation. This current version is over 300 words, which is unrealistic when you consider the amount of time allotted to complete this test. Do not write more than 275 words if you want to be sure that you can properly edit and revise your essay. Why am I focusing on this in relation to your work? Well, you have writing mistakes that, as far as I can tell, could have been avoided or corrected if you had allotted editing time to your work prior to submission. Your mistakes mostly affect your LR and GRA scores in this essay. Since you did not share the actual discussion topic and instruction (prompt) with us, I cannot comment on the appropriateness of your response and its presentation format. Please provide complete discussion instructions next time you post here to receive a more comprehensive review of your work.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with this statement? "Watching TV is a waste of time for children". [3]

An, I believe you are writing a response to a Task 2 essay assignment. Am I right? If so, then you have not responded properly to the given discussion topic. You need to present a fully developed essay composed of the following sections:

1. Prompt restatement with a response to the question providing the discussion outline for your essay;
2. At least 2 separate reasoning paragraphs in support of your agreement with the statement;
3. A concluding summary of the previous discussion points.

You also need to write at least 250 words for a full task 2 essay scoring consideration. What you wrote, if for a Task 2 essay will get an automatic failing grade due to the points deduction for missing word count.

If, on the contrary, you only wrote this as an English writing exercise, then it is good enough for an exercise, even with existing problems. First up, never forget to place a comma before a conjunction. In this case the conjunction is "education , but". Never use contractions such as "doesn't" in formal academic writing. Always spell out the whole word such as "does not". Using more descriptive adjectives in your essay will also help to improve your vocabulary and sentence development skills. Try to avoid using overused expressions such as "All in all", Use more modern references such as "Overall" to show a familiarity with everyday modern English word use.

Scholarship / Mechatronics Engineering - letter of intent for Master's Degree - Turkish scholarship [2]

Mona, the problem with your essay is the direction that you have used for the discussion. If you revise the essay to open with an explanation of your intention for graduate studies rather than a backgrounder on your education, you will be able to shorten the essay presentation. That is because you will no longer need to present such a long winded explanation regarding the development of your interest, the classes you took, change in career path, and other information. Rather, from the moment that you present your intention / motivation for studies, you will only be required to present relevant educational undertakings and accomplishments. The way I see it, your essay can be edited as follows:

Motivation:
the problems I encountered at Bedo factory ... cut manufacturing costs.

Academic Background:
Discuss only relevant courses.

Social Experiences:
... I spent 6 month training ... sensors and programming. (expand the discussion)

Future Plans:
Modernizing factories ... applying here in Egypt.

Academic Goal:
... enabling these technologies ...the necessary knowledge.

Why Turkey:
However studying abroad ... and automation in industry.

If you limit your discussion to an expansion of the topics I outlined above, you should bring down the word count and also stick to the intention / motivation of your application bu highlighting only relevant discussion points.