Letters / Pursuing a Civil Engineering degree in China - scholarship application letter [5]

Isibo, this is to be approached as a combination of a personal statement and motivational letter and should not be too long. It should not be longer than 1 page of 250-300 words. It is only a cover letter and should not take the place of the other essay requirements that I am sure the application will instruct you to write if you pass the screening round. For the cover letter, merely explaining the development of your interest, reasons why you have chosen to go to China to study, and how the scholarship can help you will suffice.

The motivation letter should explain the reasons why you have been inspired to become a Civil Engineer. Referring to this as being a childhood dream will not be useful to your essay. As a part of the personal statement, you have to narrate how your interest in Civil Engineering developed. From the explanation of your interest development, consider what the pivotal moment in your life motivated you to pursue this as your college course.

The motivational aspect should include a representation of your academic goal in relation to your professional objectives. Once you properly explain these two aspects of the scholarship application letter, you will have developed a comprehensive presentation of the foundation of your interest in the course. The closing statement should explain why you need the scholarship and how it can help you achieve your professional objectives in the future through academic sponsorship. Look up the objectives of the scholarship and make sure to align all your statements with those goals to help boost your screening potential.

Writing Feedback / In your opinion, what are the advantages and disadvantages of being a member in a large family? [7]

Huong, you did not write the minimum number of words for this essay. To be considered for actual scoring based on the 4 considerations, you have to write at least 250 words. Anything less than that (201 words in this case) will result in an automatic failing score. Nothing else, no other scoring consideration will be able to help you pass this test because there will be deductions for every wrote under the minimum word count in your essay. So, the lack of words that will result in penalties for your work, plus other mistakes, will result in the lowest possible score for this essay. You will not pass the test if you do not write at least the minimum number of words, which is 250.

Since this is a personal opinion essay, you are expected to use all first person pronouns in your discussion. That is because no other opinion is being considered in the overall discussion. Therefore, you need to take an active voice in this presentation. Otherwise, you will not be able to properly discuss the first person opinion requirement of this essay in an acceptable manner. Always use a formal structure of presentation because this is an academic essay.

Scholarship / How your proposed study relates to... a need, development issues, chosen CSC theme (for Scholarship) [2]

You have covered all of the required information in the essay. However, you need to develop certain discussion points such as how you expect the audience of the study to help promote your research for global use. You must also remove any sense of uncertainty in your essay presentation such as "I will apply to". Instead, be certain ; "I will work at..." or "I also plan" can be changed to "I will organize an..." Do not be general in reference to your 5 year plan. Outline it to show that you have a specific plan of action that must be completed during each year. Simply saying you will accomplish these in 5 years, without explaining how you plan to do it within this time frame defeats the achievements and time frame requirement of the prompt. You might also want to consider using social media as one of the methods by which the CSC can monitor the achievements of your programs through successful implementations of every phase.

Letters / Letter of recommendation for an employee. Master's degree [4]

@Lilittt The recommendation letter is too wordy and because of that, runs too long for the reviewer to totally consider everything that the referee has written in the text. Try to shorten the letter by using bullet points for every position you have had, accomplishments in that area, using a transition sentence at the end of it to introduce the next series of relevant bullet points. This is one letter that needs to be easily scanned for highlights by the reader rather than read word for word. There simply isn't enough time for the reviewer to read a letter that runs like a mini-novel in length. Keep it short. Use bullet points with highlight titles for each presentation. Don't allow reader boredom or reader irritation to set in on the part of the reviewer. That will be detrimental to your application.

Scholarship / Fulbright Master Degree Scholarship - Study Objective Essay [3]

Angela, you wrote an essay based on your desire to share specific information, regardless of whether it fits the prompt requirements provided or not. Therefore, I cannot say that this is an essay that will help your application for a Fulbright scholarship. It is simply weak in terms of required data and irrelevant in scope because of your personally created prompt requirements / paragraph topics / writing outline.

You are not mentioning any of your relevant academic background in this essay. As such, the screener will not be convinced that you have the academic foundation to understand the courses that will be taught as a part of the masters course. You have to prove that you have the academic background to help you perform as expected within the masters course curriculum. Apply an equal focus to your academic background and professional background discussions.

Clarify the reason why you want to study this course in the United States. Simply mentioning that Stanford established this line of study is not enough. What are the actual reasons? What impressed you most about the application of design thinking in the US? How is it applied? Do you plan to use the same application in your country? Think of more believable and stronger reasons than just a university mention.

The last 2 paragraphs of this essay may be used in its original form. These are the only parts of this essay that do not require revision. However, the first few parts require a total rewrite so it may be better to write a new essay instead of trying to revise this existing one. Just add on the useful 2 paragraphs at the end of the new version.

Writing Feedback / The information about integration problems for people (all age groups) moving to other countries. [4]

Hammy, the summary overview should identify the type of chart you are presenting. You cannot just say "chart" because there are several chart types used for the Task 1 essay. Be specific by indicating the actual chart being used. In this case, you should have said "The bar chart provided". The "bar" being the type of chart used. You must also summarize the types of information, and sources of information It is safe to say that you provided an incomplete summary overview and will lose points in terms of TA considerations because of it.

You have to be consistent in your paragraph presentations. No less than 3 sentences should be presented that indicate:

1. Topic sentence
2. Data from the chart
3. Analysis of the information

Do this for the next 3 paragraphs since a concluding sentence / paragraph is not required in a task 1 essay. The only requirement is a truthful presentation of the information from the chart and proper analysis / explanation of the information provided to prove your English comprehension skills and English academic writing level.

Do not be confused, the task 1 does not require a concluding statement, but it does ask you to provide a trending statement. What you wrote at the end is not a concluding statement but a trending statement. I am making this clarification because you keep asking the other members of this forum to write a concluding statement in your advice. That is wrong. The Task 1 essay requires a trending statement to be placed in any part of the 4 paragraph essay.

The task 1 essay will never require a concluding statement because there is no discussion being presented, only an analysis of information previously provided for your writing reference.

Graduate / 2nd Application Essay - Global MBA Program University of Hawaii [2]

The problem with your essay is that it is about an extra curricular activity. So there is a lack of professional setting in the narrative. It is very long, does not get to the point immediately, and does not showcase true professionalism, in relation to your job. The way that you handle pressure-cooker situations in an official setting is what this essay is looking for. Did you not notice that your presentation is too amateur in reference to the exact scenario of a difficult situation? Exercising your authority in a workplace is more impressive because it relates to your professional goals of study.

While the extracurricular activity is acceptable, it is not notable and does not truly test your mettle as a leader who is able to adapt to negative situations in relation to your actual career. Meaning, you are in a situation where there is a negative result for you in the event that you fail to control the situation. That does not exist in an extracurricular setting. You won't decline to renew the membership of paying members, your club will cease to exist if enough of them decide to quit. That is the worst case scenario for your leadership in this instance. No big deal.

If you fail in a work setting, then you face an actual consequence. Missing out on a promotion, getting a demotion, worse, getting released from your job. All because you failed to properly handle the difficult situation. Real consequences for a real life work setting. How you managed to succeed in the face of life changing failure in your profession is what the reviewer should be impressed by in your presentation.

My advice is to write a more direct to the point essay that focuses on a work related difficult situation to create a more relevant essay that highlights your actual work leadership skills.

Scholarship / (University track) KGSP 2019 PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

Huynh, this essay is very well written I would not ask you to change anything about this essay presentation. It is extremely strong and effective. It is one of the essays that I believe will catch the attention of the reviewer so that it can be progressed beyond the screening level up to the application consideration level. The reference to your studies in Australia and how it helped you become a better researcher is a very nice touch. It helps to indicate that you are not going to be wasting your time as a student in Korea and you will be researching a profession relevant topic for your master thesis there.

Aside from some grammar and sentence structure problems, the overall presentation is more than acceptable. If you have MS Word 365 on your computer, I suggest that you run this essay through the spell and grammar checker of that program to finalize the presentation or hire professional proofreading and editing services. Do not use an online checker because it will store your essay in its database and your essay could be seen as plagiarized if the essay is checked for plagiarism.

Writing Feedback / The line graph elucidates the percentage of inhabitants aged 65 and more in three nations [3]

Ni, you should be more careful with the way you spell and use certain words. Spelling mistakes the wrong use of reference words usually stem from the writer being careless. Although it may not have your intention to misspell a word, it will affect your LR scores just the same. Mistakes such as:

Futhermore = Furthermore
Dwelers - Dwellers
Japanist = Japanese

While these seem to be just a small percentage of misspelled words, these mistakes still have the ability to pull down your LR and overall final score.

Now, confused word usage also appears to be a problem in your essay, which will also affect your LR score along with your C&C plus GRA scores. Your mistakes such as:

Anticipated = predicted

There is a difference in word meaning since anticipated means; "To feel or realize beforehand; foresee" while predicted is defined as "To state, tell about, or make known in advance, especially on the basis of special knowledge." Since you are referring to information known in advance because of the chart, the correct term to use is not anticipated but rather, predicted.

Always indicate clear information. There is no need to say "aforementioned population", simply say "population in the USA". Don't confuse your presentation. By the way, don't use text speak in this essay. What do you mean by "pp"? I believe that means people but you need to spell out the whole word because this is an academic writing test. Text spelling is not accepted and will be considered when finalizing your GRA score.

Your summary overview is incomplete. You have to indicate the following in the summary overview:
1. Type of image
2. Representation of the image
3. Countries indicated
4. Measurement type
5. Age range
6. Countries indicated

All of these information are required information to help inform the reader about the upcoming discussion paragraphs. Combine information whenever possible to achieve the 3-5 sentence requirement for the 4 paragraph presentation. Don't bother with a conclusion. That is only required in a Task 2 essay.

Your trending statement could have used another sentence to meet the minimum sentence requirement as well. While the trending statement could be a single sentence reference, I often advice students to either combine the trending statement with the summary overview, to add to the C&C consideration to the essay, or develop a 3 sentence trending statement based on the presented graph data whenever possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - comparing talents from birth and trained musicians/athletes.. [4]

Quynh, due to the under writing that you did in this essay, you will not only get a mark down, you will get an automatic failing score. You have to meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words before you can be considered for scoring under the 4 brackets. As such, I am not going to score this essay. I am also not going to look into the potential grammar and presentation mistakes that you made with this essay. Instead, I want to give you advice to help you reach the 250 word count.

It is obvious that you are not capable of writing an essay of 250 words within the allotted time frame. So what can you do to improve? Spend at least 4 days just writing an essay of 250 words. Do not time yourself, yet. It is useless to time yourself if you are unable to meet the word requirement each time. Instead, just write 250 words for the essay. Get used to writing 250 words. I can review your response, spot problem points, and advice you on how to improve your presentations based on the minimum 250 word, no time pressure essay.

When you are already comfortable writing 250 words, that should take about a week of practice of writing at least 2 essays a day, you may begin to time yourself to see how many words you can then write under time pressure. Forget about the timer for now. We need to make sure that you can properly discuss the essay prompts first. Once you do that properly, you can begin to time yourself. You will find that you can write a more than the minimum word count by then.

Scholarship / The cosmetic and pharmaceutical market - KGSP Study Plan [3]

Jazmin, this is not an effective goal of study and study plan. The purpose of this essay is to help the reviewer understand what sort of contribution you can make to your professional field. Every professional, specially in the cosmetics field, has an idea as to what sort of career goals you hope to achieve through advanced studies. The goal of study and study plan should explain what sort of improvement you hope to bring to the field. This is done by presenting a thesis statement to the reviewer. I am sure that as an undergraduate, you had to write a thesis as a part of your graduation requirements. All you have to do is more of the same for this essay.

You cannot present a general statement without a clear direction for your research scope. That means, you need to present an actual study plan in relation to a research purpose that you can apply to your profession upon graduation. Hence the need for a specific thesis statement, methodology, potential application of the research, and tentative results you hope to achieve.

Just like everything else about your application, you need to present a research plan to prove that you are serious about your application. That is done by specifically outlining how you will spend your time developing your master thesis. The topic you present in the application will be considered tentative, in case you develop a different interest during your course of study.

What needs are you talking about? Why is this important? How will you conduct usable research? The statement you wrote sounds like you are hoping to just glide by with this essay, rather than showing your conviction to help improve your profession through the use of academic research while developing a professional application for it. Change the total essay. You cannot use this version. it is weak, confusing, and lacking in proper reference points to be considered a serious goal of study and study plan. Your study plan needs to relate to your goal of study, which is related to your thesis statement, which is related, in the end, to your desire to help further improve the way business or research and development of products are done in your profession. That is how you connect these dots.

Scholarship / KGSP PERSONAL STATEMENT. CULTURAL EXCHANGE AS A SOURCE OF PEACE AND COEXISTENCE [3]

Maroly, your essay definitely needs major revision, without the use of a translator as you did in this essay. You can take parts of this essay to help make your revision easier because it will help you create a more appropriate foundation for the essay. I believe that you can revise certain paragraphs to merge with your new essay. Let me pair up the prompt discussion with the response to be edited below:

*Motivation:
I am motivated to integrate communities...Colombia and the world.
*Increase the motivation presentation if you can. You need to make this paragraph as strong as possible because this will be the "hook" of the essay.

*Education experience:
Life has not always placed me in situations ...goals and succeed in life.
* Revise this paragraph to explain that you have already completed the undergraduate course. If you keep this current format, which says that you still have to complete your degree, you will automatically be kicked out of consideration because you need to have a completed undergraduate course as a primary requirement for consideration.

**Work Experience:
Since 2008, ... place of origin.
*Increase the discussion of this presentation requirement by adding other relevant work experience. Revise the current presentation for clarity as well.

Reasons for studying in Korea:
South Korea is an incredible country. ...my country and the whole world.

*Other information:
The seedbed of research ... I could be a better researcher.
* You need to better present this information in terms of clarity, purpose, and result.

Basically, you ended up over-discussing your essay and using the translator did not help your case in terms of fixing your presentation. If you are not a native English speaker, I urge you to better your chances for scholarship consideration by hiring professional writing and editing services for your essay. That would be the best way to ensure that you get a fighting chance during the screening process.

Scholarship / What it means to me? Essay on Leadership and influence - question for Chevening Fellowship [8]

You cannot use the same essays. You have to write new essays for each prompt. Make sure that you write fresh essays that highlights the improved skills or additional considerations that may have changed for you over the course of a year in relation to your new application. You can compare the content of your previous essay with the changes you will be mentioning and why these changes and updates should be well considered in regards to your new application. You have to show the reviewer that your circumstances have changed, improved, and that you are now more qualified to become a scholar under their program.

However, before you start to write the new series of updated essays, you have to make sure that the masters course you are applying for is actually in relation to a field that is supported by the Chevening program, has proof of UK participation in this field within your country, and that you have plans that will truly help to promote the close relationship of your country with the UK. If you fail to prove these parts in your updated essay, then you will again be short listed but not make it to the very end of the consideration process.

Scholarship / KGSP PERSONAL STATEMENT ESSAY - Embassy Track [4]

Alkhansaa, you have not provided a single bit of information that the personal statement requires. You have truly written a personal statement that suits what you want to tell the reviewer, but these are not the information that will help the reviewer decide if you will be a good candidate for the program. As you can see, there are guidelines by which you are to respond to the prompt and unfortunately, you are not doing a good job of responding to the first 3 instructions.

The essay has too strong a focus on the UGrad program, which is only one of the minor reasons for consideration in this essay. You must clearly respond to the first 3 prompts in relation to your application. Focus on creating a highly different presentation for your motivation to study in Korea and your reasons for studying in Korea. Do not merge the reasons into one presentation. You need to clarify your educational and professional experiences (none are presented in this essay) in relation to your application. Please, divide your presentation into paragraphs for easier reading on the reviewer's side. You should have at least 4 paragraphs to present in this discussion.

You are approaching this essay so informally that the reviewer will feel like you are not really qualified because you are not expanding on the required information. There are only implied responses to the discussion topics instead of fully developed, and informative presentations. You are glossing over it so much that this sounds more like you are just introducing yourself to a friend rather than engaging in a formal academic interview.

This is not just a weak essay for the scholarship, it is unusable in its current form. Do not submit this essay. It will be guaranteed to get you eliminated from the screening round. Write a new essay and this time, pay attention to the discussion topics from the instruction and present these in expanded, cohesive (meaning interrelated and relevant to the KGSP program considerations), and clear paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / Must the newly constructed homes retain the similar architecture with the old houses from this area? [2]

Thu, since this is your first post at this forum, I will not yet score your essay. I will just analyze it for problems and corrections. That way you will know what to improve with your second essay, which I will then score. I am afraid that you will not score very well with this essay if I were to assign a band consideration to it. There is a very strong possibility that this essay will receive a failing score due to its improper / incorrect discussion topic and format. It appears from what you wrote that you changed the discussion instruction for the discussion from:

Do you agree or disagree with this view?

to

I would contend that house owners should feel free to design their accommodations in their own way.

As you can can see, you are airing a personal opinion without considering the proper discussion response which is supposed to be:

From my personal perspective, I would have to dis/agree with this view.

The main problem though, is that I believe you did not post the correct discussion instruction for this essay. Can you double check to be sure that you followed the correct discussion instruction? Based on the given discussion topic and reasons, it appears that this is a "discuss both points of view and present your own opinion" or "Discuss your opinion" essay. It is not an agree/disagree essay prompt.

If I were to base your score on the assumed prompt, then you did not discuss the essay within expected parameters so you will get a failing score in the TA section and another failing score for the repeated spelling mistakes in the essay. Both of which will combine to make you fail the essay in totality.

Graduate / Civil Engineering - KGSP Application Goal of study & Study Plan [2]

Hessel, more than 90% of this essay is not geared towards the goal of study and study plan of the KGSP program. You are expected to make a thesis proposal for the goal of study and study plan essay. You are not going to enumerate your research background and interests. You must revise this essay. The parts of the essay that you can use to develop a proper thesis proposal is as follows:

Objectives:
The objectives of my future research are characterize the definitions of effective and safe CO2 storage...safe CO2 storage.

Methodology:
Literature study, computer modelling, computer simulation, scanning a reservoir sample with micro CT-Scan, computing rock parameters and also evaluate, conclude, and suggest for future development.

You will need to develop a clear thesis statement prior to presenting your objectives though. Then add information as to how the university will be able to help you complete this research through certain aspects that can change in the future. The whole presentation can actually change once you are already a student. It all depends upon whether you still have the same research desire by that time. Added information can include possible internship participation and hands-on fieldwork ( if applicable). Don't forget to include your expected research outcome if you have one.

Graduate / Digital Triangle Team - Review my admission essay. [3]

Salah, the reviewer is looking for a more solid representation of your responsibility skills. Based on the discussion you presented, it appears that you are applying for admission to a masters course. As such, your responsibility skills must be represented by your leadership skills and should be based on a professional setting, but one that did not shut down for any reason. You have to remember that a responsible leader can lead his company through any storm and come out on top because of his management / leadership skills. Your business does not reflect that so I would not focus too much on that discussion. Better yet, don't mention is at all.

The Boy Scouts experience is 14 years old. That means you were not yet at an age of actual responsibility. Which is why you spoke of leadership training. This was most likely a part of your high school extra curricular activities. It is not impressive enough to warrant your consideration for admission. Truth be told, none of these discussions showcase the development of your sense of responsibility in relation to a leadership ability and leadership style.

These sound more like passing events instead of notable moments of responsibility. By the way, you need to present only one leadership accomplishment, to represent your sense of responsibility, for this essay.

By the way, you are being asked if you have ever held a position of responsibility. A position means you must present only one instance of an act of responsibility. The most impressive instance that you can present. None of what you have presented here satisfies that requirement.

Based on your narrative, you can use the social media business for the revised essay. However, do not go into the failure of the business. Instead. highlight one incident where you were able to successfully lead the team. Successful project completions indicate that the team leader is a responsible person. Expand the discussion to indicate:

1. What the business was about;
2. What the situation was;
3. How the situation progressed into a problem;
4. What the actual problem was;
5. How you took responsibility for the situation;
6. How you resolved the issue.

Indicate team management skills whenever possible and conflict resolution skills if it was used. Those are the 2 best ways to present an example of your sense of responsibility towards the completion of an objective or work task.

Graduate / 1st Essay - Global MBA Program, Shidler College of Business (University of Hawaii at Manoa) [5]

Peter, paragraph one does not show any example of your adaptability. You cannot refer to your use of learning as a method of adapting. Rather being adaptable means that you are capable of moving and succeeding within an unfamiliar situation, without any prior preparation. Therefore, your story is not one that can be used for that description. Either show an example of adaptability in a solid sense based on a workplace situation or, change the description to something else.

The second paragraph, I agree, sounds highly arrogant. What you showed was not courage but, due to the descriptive words that you chose to use, a combative nature as a person. That is not really viewed as a leadership skill as no leader would want to make any of his subordinates feel uncomfortable nor show such high disrespect for past leaders. A true leader knows how to use discussion and compromise, not displeasing people and refusing to find a way to compromise. A true leader knows how to negotiate and compromise to reach a deal. Unfortunately, you showed that you are not capable of doing that. As such, you are not going to be viewed as an effective leader in this instance.

Being a Filipino is not an excuse and should not even be mentioned as a part of your "exception to the rule" situations depicted here. Nobody cares about your culture or where you came from. What matters is how you will show that you can function within an American academic system or workplace setting. Having a different culture does not mean anything if you cannot show that you can truly adjust to your new environment by adapting to the new culture you are existing in and knowing how to negotiate instead of offending others.

The third paragraph is the only one that actually has a narrative that fits the descriptive word. Don't change anything about that paragraph. Make marked changes to the first two descriptive stories instead. Those are the most problematic presentation points in this essay and could easily make you a failed candidate for admission.

Now, let me call your attention to an important aspect of the prompt that you failed to consider. The prompt indicates:

Tell me a story that demonstrates each of these leadership values in practice within your workplace.

A story. One story Story = Singular word form. That means you cannot present 3 separate stories that show how you embody separate leadership skills. You have to compose one verifiable story that highlights the 3 characteristics of a leader in a continuous presentation, not 3 individual stories. With that in mind, the observations I noted above should be used to help you develop a comprehensive story that will highlight the separate leadership skills you presented. Take note of the changes you have to make in the first 2 presentations and apply it to the appropriate story you will be developing.

Graduate / Chemistry Study - PERSONAL STATEMENT for scholarship [2]

I noticed that this essay is far longer than the average and expected length of a personal statement. A personal statement is normally between 250-500 words at the most. Since you wrote more than 800 words, it is evident that you have included unimportant references in this essay. The paragraphs comes across as too long, over explained and sometimes, too roundabout in its discussion for it to retain the interest of the reviewer.

If this is for a KGSP scholarship, then this essay will not work at all. It carries too much excess information that does not relate directly to the requirements of the prompt. Since you did not identify if this is for a KGSP scholarship or provide any further instructions for this essay in terms of writing instructions or prompts (for a non-KGSP scholarship personal essay), I advise you to shorten this essay by being more direct to the point in your paragraph presentations.

Your first paragraph pertaining to your interest in Korea is based solely on personal assumptions rather than the actual information regarding Korea's contribution to your field of expertise so the information you present is coming across as less motivated by what you hope to learn from Korean experts than your imagined achievements as a student in Korea. Remove that. The second paragraph in reference to your interest in Korea is more applicable and can be used without changes. I base this on the KGSP prompt requirements alone. If you are applying for a different scholarship, this advice may or may not be applicable to the presentation.

Again, since you were careless enough to just post an essay without instructions for the review, this advice may or may not be applicable. You will have to decide whether it is applicable or not to your essay. I cannot review your essay beyond this point due to the lack of writing instructions that should have come from you and should have been included when you first posted your essay for review here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK2: Advertising Discourages Personalities [2]

Ziming, congratulations on writing a very well developed paraphrase of the original prompt, as well as the fantastically accurate response to the extent question. You are one of the few students here to accurately produced a response essay on the first try. Give yourself a pat on the back for this accomplishment.

Your reasoning paragraphs also prove you have the ability to discuss in coherent English, which will serve you well in a formal class setting and also, in the completion of your opinion and research papers as assigned in your classes. The examiner will note these writing abilities of yours as it applies to the test requirements.

Though not perfectly presented, you did well enough to prove your ability to hold your own in such discussion settings.

You stayed focused and discussed only one opinion, your personal opinion, with supporting and relevant examples indicated. You have passed half the test because you proved that you have the ability to understand English instructions based on your English comprehension skills as proven by your proper task instruction response.

If I were to find a problems with your presentation, these errors would be so minimal that it would most likely have very little effect on your overall score.

The main mistake that I can see here is in the concluding summary. While you did offer a repeat of your personal opinion based on the discussion, you should have continued to present that opinion within the "extent" response that you gave in the prompt paraphrase.

In addition to that, you forgot to present a rephrased discussion of the given topic before offer a summary of your discussion reasons.

Consider the concluding summary as a reverse prompt paraphrase. This time, indicate a new presentation for the same discussion topic , the supporting reasons, your opinion, and a closing sentence.

All of these are meant to help boost your LR and GRA scores since you will be restating your presentation of the prompt and its accompanying discussion in a new manner.

In terms of presentation, don't use informal language such as contractions (What's worse = What is worse) and "they had loads of choices" should be in any of the following formal language combinations: "they have many/plenty/several/ assorted choices".

Using more descriptive adjectives will also help increase your GRA score (e.g. similar products = equivalent products, different styles = distinctive styles, large extent = a considerable extent) The use of more descriptive adjectives will help create more complex sentence presentations as well.

Like I said, the presentation mistakes are minimal and would not really have a direct effect on your overall score. However, improving your presentation style to reflect a more complex use of words and sentence presentations can only help to further boost your final score. Good work. I look forward to reviewing your next practice essay.

Writing Feedback / Goods delivered in the United Kingdom by 4 different methods of transport in the period of 1974-2002 [3]

Since you did not provide a copy of the image for review, I can only offer you a general review based on your grammar presentation. I cannot judge your work based on the prompt provided because there is no image to compare your information and other presentation points to. Please remember to provide the image next time to receive a comprehensive review. For now, I can only make the below comments regarding your work:

I realize that you are writing this essay under time constraints but you still have to be careful about the way you write your words. Simple wrong spellings such as an extra L in the word "still" can result in a reduced LR score for you. Always remember to edit and revise your content based upon mistakes you spot after writing the draft. Don't just write the essay then proceed to submit it for a grade. That is the most definite way to fail these types of exams.

Your GRA score will not reach a passing consideration because your paragraphs are overly long run-on sentences. You are combining 2 topics per sentence for some reason, which makes the essay difficult to follow for the reader. The difficulty in keeping track of the discussion will also have a lowering score effect on your C&C score. Every paragraph should have a total of 3-5 sentences that clearly explain related information from each connected information in the image. That is not properly discussed and presented in this essay.

I will limit my advice to these sections of your writing problems for the moment. It is really difficult to assess your work for other quality considerations due to the lack of image. I look forward to reviewing your next Task 1 essay, this time with an uploaded image for comparison and consideration purposes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Supermarket versus local community stores [3]

Rites, this essay will immediately receive a failing score for the TA section, which means the essay will not have a chance of getting a passing score once all other errors in the presentation are considered individually, then overall. The reason this happened is because you totally changed the prompt discussion instructions and presentation requirements. Look at the following comparison to get a better idea of why the essay would fail:

Original Question: Some people think... death of local communities. To what extent do you agree?
Your Response: I think that despite having a negative impact ... Here are my analysis on this.

Why are you analyzing the given discussion when the requirement is for you to agree or disagree with the given discussion statement? You totally misread the discussion requirements and because of that, you presented an irrelevant discussion within the essay paragraphs. Your response should have clearly responded to the question by either agreeing or disagreeing with the given discussion point.

This should have been discussed as a single opinion essay. The way that you wrote this essay would have been more appropriate for a Task 1 essay since you are offering an analysis. It could have also applied partially to a "discuss both opinions and give your opinion" of the given topic instruction. It does not apply to an extent discussion essay.

Graduate / Data Science Masters - Columbia University Personal Statement [2]

Gautam, this is a very strong essay. I would call it highly competitive and should receive proper consideration from the reviewer. It can only be strengthened by the addition of the information that you plan to pursue this course part time at first before going headlong into the full course requirements later on. That is part of the special circumstance discussion that the prompt is talking about. Be sure to describe how you plan to progress from part-time student to full-time student to show that you are not taking the masters course lightly and that you have every attention of applying yourself properly to the course and its requirements.

Since the information about the professor is not indicated in the prompt, you don't have to worry about it. It is not required information so the reviewer won't even notice it is missing. It doesn't appear to be something that the reviewer will consider important otherwise the instructions for writing the essay would have specifically required it. You can skip that presentation without worries.

The last paragraph is too generic sounding for it to help you close the essay on a strong note. Try to go for more specifics regarding what you hope to learn at the university and how. Use lab exposure, internships, or notable courses which you feel will help make a better data scientist out of you instead. That will show a real familiarity with the university and its course requirements for the completion of this masters degree.

Graduate / KGSP Application - Part 2 (research goal - how can I contribute?) [7]

Evi, start the essay with the second paragraph. The first paragraph seems like it was just inserted into the essay and does not really come across as something helpful of informative. Paragraphs 2,3, and 4 can be used in its current form as it applies to the presentation of a thesis proposal.

Focus on the research that you will be doing, do not involve the TOPIK test or your semester based course concentrations. These are ways by which you can improve your Korean skills personally, but should not have a direct bearing on your research. Your personal experiences cannot be a part of the research nor methodology because it could be seen as a bias within the research. You have to reformat your methodology to represent the comparisons of Hangul to Greek instead. That is, assuming that you mean the modern Greek language and not ancient Greek. I think that is a point you will have to clarify in the thesis presentation as well. It becomes tricky when there are 2 forms of a particular language such as Greek.

You will be able to make adjustments to the methodology and other research requirements anyway so go ahead and describe something that would apply to this research. There is also a lack of reference to the type of research requirement you will need. How can the university help you complete your research? Will you need to do research at language institutes in Korea? Perhaps consult with other language experts? These are all a part of the preliminary methodology that you can present for your research. These will also highlight the seriousness with which you approach your linguistic studies.

The last paragraph is also unnecessary in this presentation. Just focus on the goals of study and study plan throughout the essay.

Writing Feedback / Which is more important family or friend [6]

Phuong, you have several spelling errors in this essay:

inapproriate = inappropriate

Fristly = Firstly

Frist - First

Please remember that you are being scored in proper spelling and should strive to deliver the correct spelling of words every time. If you are not sure of how to spell a word, it is best to find an alternative word to use which you know how to spell. It is also imperative that you edit your essay for these mistakes before you consider it finalized in form. Sometimes, spelling mistakes are the result of an oversight on the part of the writer. In the end, wrong spelling can have dire consequences for your score.

Make sure you are also using the words in the proper context and presentation. You made these mistakes in your presentation:

... such us = ... such AS

... any where = ... anywhere (one word not two)

give = gives (subject-verb disagreement)

... can not = cannot ( The words must be written as a conjunction)

... sound inappropriate = ... soundS inappropriate

Please also remember that a comma must be used after an introductory element such as "Moreover" and after greetings such as "Hello everyone". You should also avoid using contractions in a formal written setting. Therefore:

I'm = I am
It's = It is

If you are stating a fact, then you should not be uncertain when presenting information. Avoid using terms that do not appear to be confident such as "In my opinion" if it is not required by the discussion instructions. You can also simply say "both" rather than "both of them" since there it comes across as a redundancy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places. [4]

Sun, the first thing that i noticed with this essay is that you failed to properly address the task requirement which is to indicate the extent of your (dis)agreement with the essay topic. The requirement asks you to present a measured response in relation to the given topic and reason for the discussion. You failed to do that because you did not indicate:

I partially dis/agree
I fully dis/agree
I totally dis/agree

and other variations of measured response presentations. Since you say that you personally favor the latter point of view, then the proper response would have been "I fully disagree" with the given opinion.

There is also no need to cite an opposing point of view in this presentation because there is no opposing point of view presented in the essay. As such, this is a single opinion essay based on a singular topic and reason. There is no room for a comparative essay in this discussion. A comparative essay instruction will be far different from this one. A comparative essay will indicate 2 public opinions in the discussion presentation then require you to present an explanation of the 2 opinions before adding your personal opinion. That instruction is not within this essay discussion therefore your approach to the discussion is incorrect.

These are the reasons why your essay discussion is not acceptable for the given prompt / discussion instruction. Therefore, when the added low scores based on other criteria for the essay are considered in totality, you will not be able to meet the requirements for a passing score.

Research Papers / Video Games And Violence - Research Paper : Eng 102 [2]

Sarah, for starters, the thesis statement of your essay is not clear. It lacks a connected form of discussion that can clarify certain statement that you made. The first sentence in the opening paragraph alone is confusing because of the lack of historical context and relationship between violence and video games in America. You need to create the foundation of the essay by indicating the early concerns regarding violent video games and indicate specific examples that call to mind a direct relationship between video game violence and violence in America. Your paragraph also lacks a direct line of reference to what the paper will be about. The methodology to be used for this essay, and what the outcome of your research was.

You also cannot use successive in-text citation in the paper without offering a full personal understanding of what the quote is about and how it applies to your research. There needs to be a proper discussion of the quote that is more than just an agreement or a paraphrasing of the information. Without a deeper understanding of the pro and con discussion for every citation you present, the essay is not only lopsided in approach, but also shows a clear bias regarding the discussion.

What makes your say that mass shootings in American has skyrocketed? Where are comparative year on year data to support that point of view? In addition to that, considering that even video games now have an age ratings system, how can you say that the entertainment form doesn't have restrictions?

I believe that the paper is researched, but not well researched and in the process, not well discussed. There are several other problematic information references in your essay that show the lack of deep understanding regarding the topic, based on properly informed and cited research. This paper does not accurately inform the reader so it cannot be considered an authoritative piece at this point. It still has a long way to do in terms of proving its claims throughout the presentation. It would be great if your could do more research and add more recent data to the essay. That will allow you to discuss the topic in a more current setting and also allow you to update the outdated information within your paper while adding missing discussion information regarding the pro and con side of the issue.

Scholarship / Helping all humans - My Personal Statement for KGSP Program [2]

Xya, your essay is not really useful at this point. It is not even a good draft. You have to write a better essay. One that actually focuses on the topics for discussion as provided. You don't have to introduce yourself and your family background in this essay. That was a former prompt requirement that the KGSP has not used for the past 2 years. Remove that reference since it does not help move your essay forward in terms of relevant information. Instead, indicate the masters course you are interested in enrolling in and why you are interested in these advanced studies.

Your academic background needs to show true honors and recognition, Not just the interest of your teacher in your presentation to be "honored". There is no evidence of that. You also do not clearly explain what this presentation was about and why it is relevant to your undergraduate course. If this is something that happened in high school, then don't present it. You are applying for a masters scholarship so the focus is on the undergraduate studies and professional skills development. It would be helpful if one of your internships was for a Korean company doing business in your country.

That is because the professional skills should be related to the KGSP scholarship program. If not, then that is alright, provided you can present a strong case for your academic and professional skills. The internships are fine, but does not really show that you are capable of doing excellent research. Simply being a voracious reader does not qualify as you being passionate about this line of work. You need to show that you have useful research skills and practical skills development that would make you a successful scholar if you are awarded the sponsorship.

Aside from your social interest in Korea, you must strongly represent an impression of why you have chosen to study in Korea instead of your home country. Why did you arrive at this decision? What is it that Korean professionals in this field excel in which you think is related to their academic learning and practical training? That is the best way to show that you have valid reasons for studying in Korea.

Do not include extra curricular activities at this moment. Focus on developing correct responses to the first 3 prompts. Those are the most important information you can present because that directly relates to your scholarship application. The last line of the discussion instruction can be incorporated into your responses to the top prompt topics. That way it blends seamlessly into the presentation. You have to write a clearer version of this essay and hopefully, my observations and suggestions can help you do that.

Undergraduate / Short Admissions Essay-Different Point of view Teacher [2]

Anijah, the background of the event needs to be made clearer to the reviewer. Why was it important to pick a theme and stick to it? Whose cabinet were you rummaging through? What exactly was the theme that you chose? Why is the theme important? Why was the hem a big issue for your teacher? Was this for a sewing class? There are too many questions regarding this presentation that it distracts from the coolness that you showed in dealing with the situation and how you learned a very important lesson by discussing rather than arguing with your teacher. Please try to revise the essay to present a stronger and clearer background for the events that happened after you got the "B" grade. It is important that you clear up the presentation so that the reviewer doesn't get distracted from the highlight of the essay. That is, the lesson regarding the importance of discussion and how it can changed things for the better when both parties meet halfway.

Undergraduate / Moving from Venezuela to USA - ADMISSION ESSAY [2]

Daniela, since you did not provide the common app prompt that you are responding with this essay, I will unable to review it for content, relevance to the discussion topic, and suggested improvements. I can only review the grammar and give a general observation regarding your content, whether it applies to your essay or not. That's how it works here. If you want a relevant review, you have to give the discussion instructions / prompt for the essay.

So, grammar wise, your essay may be faulted for having a comma with a conjunction. Normally when a person says "... on a talk show, and..." a comma is not placed after the word show because the presentation is a continuing discussion, without additional listing of information. So a comma is not required to separate the discussion presentation.

Additionally, since you have not yet moved to the USA. the proper reference is "... if I can move to another country...I do not know anyone" rather than "... if I was capable of..." since the indication of the latter phrase is a completed action on your part. That of moving to the USA. Since that has yet to happen, the future tense presentation of the phrase is more appropriate.

It is also redundant so say "reflect back". Reflect already indicates the indication of looking back. Therefore, you do not need the word "back" to explain the action being taken in the sentence.

I will have to end my review here. I am not going to comment on the content because I am not sure about how well it applies to the prompt you have chosen to respond to or the instructions you were provided with for the discussion. I do not want to boost your spirits without knowing if you did a proper job in writing the essay. If you want help with the content, you need to remember to supply the instructions for the discussion next time.

Graduate / An accountant - Statement of Purpose for applying Master [2]

Elen, while the first paragraph somewhat responds to one of the questions, the rest of the essay does not really enlighten the reviewer regarding important information that will be used to consider your application. I think it will be best for me to approach your errors through an outline form. I will be using a Q&A guide to show you what parts of your essay need to be adjusted to suit the prompt requirements. Let's get started.

1. why you are applying for this course
- Your total response in paragraph 2 is sufficient for a response to this question. You must only revise it to take on the form of an opening statement to make it more effective and relevant to its new placement in the revised essay. You could take the opening sentence from the current first paragraph and use that as the opening sentence for the current second paragraph essay. That way you create a comprehensive opening statement in relation to the question being asked.

2. how your previous education and experience relates to this course of study
- The response you gave is too vague. The proper answer should be divided into 3 paragraphs. The first paragraph should be a summary of your college studies, accomplishments during this time, and practicum experiences that are relevant to your course of masters study. Be clear about the relationship of your undergraduate studies to your current profession and its consideration as a foundation / background for your ability to complete the masters course. Discussing how you performed and what grades you got in courses directly relevant to the masters course curriculum will help better inform the reviewer.

- Paragraph 3 should be inserted before the professional discussion as that paragraph refers to your continuing education within your profession. This proves that you have a solid preliminary education in relation to your chosen masters course. As always referring to your continuing education performance in relation to further academic enlightenment will help further boost your motivation for advanced studies and skills development.

- Your professional background needs to focus on specific skill sets that you have which will prove a familiarity with the basis of the course objectives and also display a potential for future application of your masters course. This should be longer and more informative than the educational experience paragraph.

3. how this course fits into your long-term academic or career plans
- You lack a proper discussion of your long term academic or career plans. Just as with the previous experience, these should be discussed separately, with more attention paid to the future career plans and how this course will help you prepare to achieve those goals.

What you currently have is a draft that offers you the opportunity to further strengthen your application presentation. I hope that by using the outline above, you will be able to do exactly that. I wish you the best of luck with your application.

Scholarship / Study plan - Master's Program - Japan - Kyoto Institute of Technology [4]

Han, do not follow the advice given above. That is irrelevant to a Study plan. A study plan is not the same as a personal statement. I repeat, the advice given above is not applicable to a study plan. you should not use it in your Study plan essay. You also got confused between a study plan and a statement of purpose. A statement of purpose is an undergraduate and professional biography that indicates the purpose of your study, the training you have in relation to that purpose, and your mid-range career plans along with an explanation of why you chose the university for your studies. A study plan focuses only on the expected academic pursuit of the student in relation to his chosen course and how the university will be able to help achieve you achieve those goals.

Based on what you have written, paragraph 3 is the only usable and fully focused paragraph supporting your study plan. There are several reference sentences you have to omit due to irrelevance to a study plan though. Refer to the markings below to have an indicator of where to start and end the deletion process for paragraph 3:

Kyoto Institute of Technology is a great school for me to pursue Master's degree for several reasons [..].

Instead, start a new paragraph that indicates the continuing research you hope to do at Kyoto University. Indicate your possible thesis statement, research methodology, and projected outcome. After that presentation, begin a new paragraph. This time, discuss the facilities at the university that you hope to use, any professors whose research might be related to your own whom you wish to join with in terms of research, internship or practical training programs the university offers that will help you further expose yourself to this field of research, and finally, how you hope this research can assist in expanding the research knowledge and authority of Kyoto University in relation to this research. That is how a study plan is written. Everything else in your essay is not required information and belongs in other essay presentations that come with this application.

Research Papers / Veterinary Technician Shortage: Do I stay or do I go? [2]

The immediate problem that can be seen in this research paper is the lack of in-text citations and proper quotes as taken from the sources in your MLA work cited listing. For every source that you have listed, a proper reference to the actual information taken from that source must be indicated within the research paper itself. A research paper that has a list of sources but no properly cited text will be in high risk of being flagged for plagiarism, which means your research paper could either get a failing grade or, you will come up on charges of academic dishonesty at your university. You will have to revise the paper to properly reflect which parts are paraphrased from an original source, personal opinions that are influenced by other writer's opinions, or direct citations worked into the paper itself. In the case of the latter, you will have to follow the proper MLA in-text citation formats. It will be impossible for you to submit this paper without the proper referencing required. It is a potential bomb that could blow-up in your face because of the lack of properly cited sources.

Your title is "Do I Stay or Do I Go?", yet there is no indication of this pondering within your thesis statement. In fact, there is no clear thesis statement in the first paragraph of the essay. You have a question indicating a question about career change, but it is not formatted in the manner that a research paper thesis must be presented. Therefore, there is no true thesis statement within the research presentation.

The research itself is confusing because you are making comparisons between human care and animal care, nurses, and vet nurses. Insurance vs. no insurance. The relevance is lost in the confusing presentation. It would be best if you drop the human nurse discussion and focus only on the animal care nurse cause. After all, that is what the research is all about.

The overall presentation tends to jump around and take bits and pieces of discussion from various talking points. None of which are properly transitioned and developed in a manner that makes the discussion clearer to the reader. I strongly urge you to go back to Step 1 by doing an outline of your thesis statement and discussion points. That way you will be creating an informative, authoritative, properly cited, and clear discussion of the topic you set out in your title. At the moment, the paper feels more like a directionless draft than a draft with a purpose.

Graduate / KGSP Statement of Purpose - trying to stay withing word limit while including only useful info [2]

Evi, the only correction I would like you to make with your essay is the reference to "At a very young age". It is not important to indicate an age of consciousness on these types of essays. Age references actually serve to weaken the essay because the reviewer questions the validity of the age represented in relation to your decision to pursue the undergraduate and MS course. It will be better if you simply say that your family encouraged you to learn about languages due to their perceived importance of being a linguist in today's era.

Overall, you have a highly competitive and remarkable essay presentation. It has strengths bar none when it comes to the relation of Korea to your educational and work experiences. These will be of certain note to the reviewer as these show a clear relationship between your future plans, the importance of a Korean education to your plans, and why you chose to pursue advanced studies in Korea. You should take confidence in your written work. It is going to be of tremendous help to your application and has made you a definite contender for this scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1. The topic is about speed cameras. [2]

Ngo, you have written too many words for this essay. You will lose editing time when you write more than 175 words for this sort of essay. You must allow time to review and edit your writing because turning in unedited work could result in a lower final score for you. Also, the paragraph requirement for the Task 1 essay is 4 paragraphs. You only presented 3 paragraphs. This could prove to be an issue for you in the actual test setting.

The opening paragraph should properly identify the types of images given for the essay. By saying "While the graphs..." it appears that you have already identified the type of images presented, which should be the first sentence in the first paragraph. You did not do this. Therefore your work appears to start at the middle of the essay, with you fully expecting that the reader knows what images were presented to you. The idea is that the reader has not seen the images so your report analysis should first identify the images. Then you can say "While the graphs..." but not before then.

Your trending sentence should have represented the 3 identifiable measurements in the essay. One for the number of accidents, the other for the opinion of people regarding the speed cameras, and finally, the reason why people think speed cameras are needed. Your trending statement is therefore incomplete. In this instance, due to the number of graphs provided, the trending statement should have been the second paragraph after the opening summary, thus completing the 4 paragraph requirement for this task.

When you mention the small dips, mention the figures in the chart. Remember, this is a factual report. Data must be accurate and complete. Your report leaves the reader guessing most of the time, hence it does not come across as truly informative nor useful in content. Never use fraction references when actual percentages are provided. Accuracy is the name of the game in this essay and by changing the information presentation, you create inaccurate reports and references.

Using fractions then suddenly changing to percentages will cause undue stress for the reader and affect your TI and GRA scores as a confusion within the presentation is created, leaving the reader questioning what information has just been presented to them. Your job in this essay is to make the analysis of information easier, not more confusing, for the reader. Always use the data provided in its original form to complete the Task Instructions.

Writing Feedback / Restrict drivers to drive to large cities. [3]

Han you delivered a wonderful prompt paraphrase and direct response to the instructions provided in the essay. The fact that you remembered to follow the discussion outline you presented in your reasoning paragraphs shows that you have improved in your writing skills. The only thing that is missing from your reasoning paragraph presentations are the transition sentences. The transition sentence shows a higher degree of writing skill as you are able to show that you can relate your first topic to the next topic in the conversation. This prepares the reader for the change in discussion slant and also, allows you to properly close the current reasoning paragraph. That does not take away the fact that you did a good job writing the reasoning paragraphs though.

I found your personal opinion to be lacking in discussion development because you used only 2 sentences in that paragraph. It could have been better developed in presentation for a higher C&C score. Now, while your language skills still need some work, it is not so bad that the essay would come across as confusing or stressful to read. In fact, the errors in GRA consideration are so minimal and does not really stress out the reader. Your topic and discussion remained clear despite the sentence development and presentation errors so I do not doubt that you would get a decent score in that regard as well.

Undergraduate / U-Mich Transfer Supplement: Majoring in Computer Science. Topic: Describe the unique qualities...... [2]

Akshay, straightforward is always the best to go when writing an application essay. It saves the reviewer the bother of having to wade through irrelevant information before getting to the parts that he actually needs to consider for your application. In fact, your opening statement is eye-catching enough to create an interest on the side of the reviewer. It is a unique opening that doesn't start with the formulaic opening statement of "When I was a child of 2 I was given my first computer. Using the computer I learned about how to code..." Believe me, your way is good enough for the purpose of this essay. If you want to cut down on the word requirement, you can start by skipping the mention of the professors names and instead, mentioning just the courses. You don't need to suck up to the reviewer, he could care less about who will be teaching you since he knows these professors personally. Mentioning their names, unless they will be writing your recommendation letter does not serve any purpose in the presentation. Overall, it is a strong transfer supplement essay. It just needs some content adjustment to meet the word count. Good work!

Graduate / Dual concentration in statistics and pure mathematics. Statement of Purpose for MS in Statistics [3]

HM, if you skip the second paragraph you will end up with a straightforward statement of purpose that is on the mark when it comes to emphasizing your motivation, purpose, undergraduate skills, and professional experience. What is lacking in the essay is your short to mid-range career plan covering 5 years after your graduation from the MS course. You have to indicate a professional application to boost the future career goals aspect / purpose of the academic reason for your advanced studies. Your essay is quite informative and impressive. It shows that you have given ample thought to your choice of major, how your academic background relates to it, and why you believe this is something that can help you increase your skills as a Statistician.

The inclusion of the career objectives will further strengthen the consideration for your application. If you have any undergraduate and professional achievements, it would be useful to note those data in the essay to prove that you have the academic foundation and professional talents to assist you in completing this course. If not, it won't matter as your description of your undergraduate and professional skills are strong enough for consideration.

Undergraduate / My current goal is to study in the engineering field at Waterloo - they have great co-op programs [2]

AP, your first paragraph contains an acceptable response. The second paragraph though does not come across as specific enough with reasons for your choice of university. Everybody mentions the Co-Op program in the same manner, general in reference, without a real idea as to how the Co-Op programs will specifically help with your studies and professional goals. Please try to be more specific about the reasons you chose Waterloo. You may mention some social development that you hope to attain by becoming a member of various clubs in relation to your course, or even a reference to student community activities. Show that you did your research and you have clear reasons for your choice of university. Develop the Co-op reference a bit more using specifics so that the reviewer will get a clear picture of the guidelines that you used as the benchmark for choosing your undergraduate university.

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea will allow me to complete my Psychology requirements and to broaden my horizons [2]

KP, your answer is so far off target that this statement could very well get your application rejected. To properly respond to this essay, you need to discuss only your perspective of the world as it is at present. If you can connect it to psychology somehow then that would be great. The point of the essay though, is to highlight how you view the world, what your opinion is of diplomatic and international relationships, and how these have helped you to develop an understanding of how the world works. Then, you have to discuss why you believe that a semester at sea can help you improve upon your understanding of the world and its global relationship, in relation to certain psychological theories or research you wish to do during the semester, on a personal , non-academic basis. The proper response to this question spotlights how you plan to become a better person by better understanding the world that we live in. The question is, how do you plan to accomplish that using your semester at sea experience? There are several semester at sea essay responses to this very question that have received advice at this forum before, I suggest you use the search feature to find those essays, learn from their answers, and use those samples to help you develop an original response for yourself.