Graduate / Statement Of Purpose for Stanford Graduate Computer Science Program [2]

Charles, what is the word limitation on this essay? The reason I ask is because you only provided information regarding your preparation for the masters course. You did not explain any research interests, and future career plans. Your reference to the latter is so vague, it is practically non-existent in the presentation. You have to rework your essay to shorten your preparation aspect to only the most notable ones that have a direct relation to the masters course you are studying. You do not need to include all of your training in this field if it will prevent you from addressing the other aspects of the prompt. The reviewer requires you to respond to the information about the research and future career plans to prove that you are serious about enrolling in the course and that you have an actual application in mind within your profession. Save for the clear reasons for wanting to study this course and your preparation for it, the essay is actually weak due to the lack of response to the additional required information. It would be better if you write a different essay instead of trying to fix this one. This is already set in stone and will be difficult to edit to make reference to the other information. Writing a new essay will help you present a smoother and more connected discussion regarding the information that needs to be considered with regards to your application.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan supplement - My role in the army [5]

Yes. If you are still actively serving in the military, then use the present tense for your presentation. Include your current contributions to the team / community and make sure that the flow is always towards showing how your military exposure, discipline practices, and mission objectives have helped you become a responsible adult. Indicate how this community has better prepared you to attend college as a truly independent, mature, and objective focused individual who can meet the challenges of the future because your community has helped you develop that aspect of your personality. The timeline is important because, like my previous post showed you, the relevance of your experience within the community setting must be ongoing. If it appears as something of the past, then it will cease to apply as a response to the prompt.

Graduate / Graduate degree in User Experience Design - Master of Information [2]

Muhammad, you are over explaining your reasons in the essay. The over explanations result in you digressing from the discussion. These digressions and over explanation are what have caused you to come dangerously close to the maximum word count. Sadly, you have not clearly addressed the prompt requirements because of the problem with your presentation. You need to cut down the explanations and make sure that you address every question in the prompt. Put a pin in this essay at the moment. I would like you to instead, list the questions and then outline your short reasons per prompt question. After you are sure that you have answered every question in the following format;

Question:
- Reason
-Example
- Additional explanation to support the example or reason

then you can begin to change the response format to a paragraph form. Try to use up to 3 reasons strong reasons per paragraph at the most. I normally suggest that the student write only 1 strong reason per paragraph, utilizing the rest of the paragraph to explain the reason and prove an embodiment of the question requirement. That way the answer becomes short, relevant, and strong. The problem with your essay is more of an editing one than a writing problem. If you still have problems editing the essay then please consider hiring our professional services to help you develop the most relevant essay based on the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Lebanon summer - university interview - working in a team [2]

KArim, the answer you are providing is inappropriate for the prompt. The essay question is designed to find out if you have any relevant amateur experience working in the field that you have chosen for your major. Or, if you have appropriate team work experiences, such as working in a fast food restaurant where you had to collaborate with others to get the food out, or working with a team on a class project that (may not) relate to your major and how you helped overcome the problems the group faced in completing the project. You failed to explain how this experience that you had will have any effect on your future collaborations. You cannot have your family members as a part of the team and your family should not have helped you resolve the problem. It would be better if you can revise your response to more properly explain your team work experience and how the skills you showed will be helpful when you have to work with a team during your course of study.

Undergraduate / UPenn Essay: what got me in? [4]

The first half of your essay relating to your personal story is the weakest part of the essay. The rest of the work that you did is what the reviewer considered regarding your application. You showed a strong interest in your course major and you also proved a familiarity with the university academic requirements in relation to course offerings and other learning opportunities. It is that part that helped the reviewer consider your application better.

Aside from these strengths, you also have to understand that universities have a foreign student allotment that they need to fulfill. Specific countries have a student count that represent the "diverse" community of the university. Being a Pakistani, you most likely also fell under the foreign student allotment consideration. If not enough Pakistani students, or students from your region of the world, with stronger academic backgrounds applied for admission to the university, then you would definitely be admitted as an incoming foreign college student freshman. I believe that the combination of the two are the main reasons why you successfully applied for admission to UPenn.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan supplement - My role in the army [5]

Jordan, while this is an impressive response, the problem I have with it is that the prompt is asking you to discuss your position in a community. As a community member, you are expected to have a continuing contribution to its development and a continuing development of your personal character and abilities because of your evolving participation / place in the community. As a member of the drafted Singaporean military, you were a member of a temporary community and your development within that area ended when you completed your 2 years service to the country. Therefore, the military service is not part of an ongoing community where you help to shape its future, learn from helping others, and develop yourself in terms of becoming a more mature individual or leader of the community. Personally, I would advise you to change the slant of the essay to something that shows your membership in a community organization, volunteer service, or even as a family member, all of which would fall under a continuing community membership.

However, if you opt to still use the military service essay, then you don't have to change anything. You can use that as is. Just remember, you are using the wrong time presentation for the essay. You already completed your service, so this should be using a past reference / tense. Upon changing the time reference, it will become highly obvious to the reviewer that even though the essay is strong, it is not appropriate for the prompt requirement which is a "current community membership" that shows a continuing development of your maturity as an individual and potential college freshman.

Undergraduate / Medicine Personal Statement UG Draft1 [2]

Pradipta, the idea behind the personal statement is to help establish the foundation and development of your interest in medical science. The first paragraph of this essay does not do that. It is a throwaway paragraph because it does not help move the essay forward, provide important information, nor deal directly with you. That paragraph is all about your grandfather. At the age of 5 there is no way that you could have made a conscious decision to become a medical doctor. That is an exaggeration that weakened the essay presentation. That is why I believe you can remove it without affecting the 2 most important paragraphs of this essay.

To strengthen the presentation, start with the debate story. Build it up in such a way that can connect with the exposure that you got from your aunt. Since your debate experience taught you about empathy and humility, these are traits that you can relate to the performance of your aunt's duties as a doctor, which could show a direct development of a health practitioner's personality within you. Create a transition paragraph that will relate the debate experience and learning with what you learned when you assisted your aunt. Then create a final transition paragraph to describe your experience with Chickenpox as the ultimate reason why you decided to become a doctor. By combining those 3 aspects, you should be able to create a very strong closing presentation for your essay, coming in under the word count.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Grouping students in regard to their behaviour [4]

Rites, there are a few spelling errors in your essay. The mistakes are: ettiquette = etiquette and afte=after. There is also a subject-verb disagreement existing in your use of "are" in the sentence:

At the same time each of them are equal when it comes to the responsibilities of the school

This should follow the singular presentation using the word "is" because you used the individual count by saying "each of them". Then you neglected to use the connecting word "a" when you wrote "If we put them with well-mannered group..." The connecting word "a" should have been placed between "with" and "well-mannered" to create a more coherent presentation.

I believe that you made a mistake while typing your response sentence in the prompt paraphrase. You should have said that "I do NOT agree with..." you accidentally typed "That" in place of "Not".

Now for the bigger problem in your essay. The minimum paragraph requirement is 4 paragraphs per essay. You have to discuss the reasons and examples using at least 2 paragraphs. This essay, based on the prompt requirement, seems to require 2 reasoning paragraphs. The 2 reasoning paragraph essay could have indicated, per paragraph:

1. A reason for your personal opinion;
2. A relevant example.

Each paragraph should have only 1 discussion topic per presentation. Since you had 2 reasons, you should have presented the 2nd reason as the 2nd reasoning paragraph. That way your paragraphs would have been completely developed and clearly understood by the reader. The current presentation feels rushed and lacking in proper discussion development.

While you will not be losing points in terms of discussion considerations (you typed 255 words and are over the minimum count), it is important to produce 4 paragraphs for your presentation to gain a maximum TA score. That is where your essay would end up losing points with this type of presentation.

Undergraduate / Cybersecurity - University of Waterloo AIF Reasons for choosing program and Waterloo (CS and CFM) [2]

Ying, you are not being asked for your personal reasons for choosing the course so you should remove that information. It is not relevant to your academic goals nor the reason that you chose to seek admission to the University of Waterloo. That is a topic that would work better as the foundation of your personal statement or motivational letter. It doesn't suit the required information for this statement essay. I think I should be clear at this point and tell you that the essay works from a partial point A to a partial point b. What I mean is, you can use the following sentences to fully respond to the prompt:

in the future I would like to work in the cyber security field... I also look forward to joining the URA program

I omitted the mention of the professor because that does not have any bearing on your academic interest. Unless the professor will be a referee, there is no sense in mentioning that name specifically when you can learn from other professors as well. In addition to that, if the professor does not hire student aides for any reason, the mention of the professor's name will be worthless in this essay. Say something else that could be taken as notable about the URA instead.

The parts that I indicated in italics above will be more than sufficient as a response to the statement. You don't need to write a total of 900 characters if your response does not require or suit it. The most basic and bare bones response statements are usually the ones that tend to be remembered better by the reviewer. In this case, the bare bones tactic just might help your essay become noticeable.

Speeches / The three lessons that shaped me the way I am today - hard work, education, and respect [2]

Rickie, please take note of several presentation errors you made in the essay:

1. Your dad did not open a "restraint", he opened a restaurant;
2. Who taught your dad English? You said "He would teach him." The correct phrase is "He would teach himself English";
3. You cannot start a sentence with a connecting word. Instead of saying "But my dad..." You can simple start with "My dad..." There is no previous thought process to connect therefore there is no need for the connecting word "but".

4. Avoid redundancies / repetitions. You repeated that he opened a restaurant and taught himself English twice. Replace that with other information related to how his life lessons helped shape who you are today.

Unfortunately, I learned more about your father in this essay instead of how his actions helped to shape you as a person. Try to connect every lesson your father taught you with something definitive about who you were before he taught he this lesson. That way you can really say that the three lessons you learned from him helped to shape who you are today.

Letters / Cover letter for PhD position at Linköping University [3]

Wenjia, try to revise the content of your essay to call attention to the similarities between your doctoral project and the work being done by Prof. Johnson. If you can indicate reasons as to why your addition to the team, and the exposure of the professor to your project would help to increase the validity, quality, or attention of the professor's work, then the professor will be more inclined to take you on as a team member. Try to frame your skills and previous research work not as your personal achievements, but as skills and accomplished research that you would be more than willing to share with the university, its students, and Prof. Johnson herself. Right now, I do not see a direct relationship between your accomplishments and training with the work that the professor is undertaking. You have to be specific, you have to use highlights that connect the dots, you have to make yourself sound like an indispensable future research partner who can bring attention and considerable accomplishments to the university's gender studies department. The potential exists in your essay. You just have to figure out how to best do that. The mistake most students make with these letters is that they choose to remain vague and general in presentation due to a lack of proper insight and understanding of the professor's work and how it applies to their own. Specifics are important. Only if commonalities and true indicators of your strength as a researcher are found will your application be considered in earnest. The big question you have to answer is, "How will it complement the research of Prof. Johnson and improve Gender Studies at the university? "

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus BIM+ Master Motivation letter [3]

Afaf, this motivation letter is too long and does not really contain a direct reference to your motivation and goals for wishing to pursue this course abroad. My suggestion, is that you write a new letter that is more targeted and clear when it comes to the motivation and goals presentation. There are some aspects of this essay that you can use to write a focused essay. You can consider using paragraphs 3,4, and 6. Those are the presentation paragraphs that you currently have which, when revised in terms of presentation and clarity, can very well represent all of the motivations, career goals, and academic requirements that you desire to attain by attending this university.

You don't need all the excess information in this essay because those parts would better suit either a statement of purpose or a personal statement. By revising the content, you will assure yourself that the reviewer will be able to complete reading the essay and properly consider your motivational reasons as a part of your application consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - The values have been replaced with social status and wealth in how people see others [4]

Fitri, please make sure that you always spell your words properly using the United Kingdom version of the word spelling. That way you show the examiner that you are familiar with the differences in word presentations between American and UK English. While the examiner will make allowances for the differences in spelling, using the native UK way of spelling words will always help to increase your LR score.

Commas are always used after a conjunction but you failed to do that when you said "... for some people, yet it will not last long". The word long-time is always hyphenated. You omitted the hyphen in your presentation. Do not use an apostrophe S when you are indicating a plural form of a word rather than a reference to ownership. Indicate "peoples worth" to show plurality instead of "people's" which shows ownership. Avoid using informal presentations such as "have got". It is more academically proper to indicate "... they have what they want already."

Since this is already a single opinion essay, there is no need for you to remind the reader by saying "In my opinion". Merely state the opinion in a straightforward manner. The prompt already indicates that this is a one point of view essay. Stick to formal language presentations as well.

As for the presentation itself, your prompt paraphrase was correct up until you presented your formal opinion at the end of it. The paraphrase should have ended at the indication of your extent response. The formal opinion presentation should have been presented as the topic sentence for the second paragraph, which is the start of the reasoning discussion. Remember, you have only 5 sentences to completely explain yourself in a paragraph. The explanation of your opinion cannot be completed in the opening paraphrase, hence it cannot be presented in that section of the essay.

The essay seems to focus only on wealth as the given topic. That could lower your TA score as you have 2 other topics to consider for the discussion. You should have used a 3 reasoning paragraph format for this essay so you could have properly discussed every topic contained in the original discussion. By the way, you also made a mistake when you presented a comparative discussion in your 3rd paragraph. This is a single opinion essay, not a comparison of points of view essay so a single focus on an opinion is required.

Your concluding summary lacks a presentation of the original discussion topic and a reference to your personal opinion to complete the presentation. That should have been a 5 sentence paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Getting into a profession on the grounds of gender is not at all acceptable. [4]

Ramus, this essay will receive an automatic failing score because you have written less than the 250 minimum word count. You can write more than 250 words but never less than that. The reason that you fell under the word count is because you wrote only 2 sentences per paragraph when the minimum requirement, that will help you achieve the minimum 250 words is 3 sentences. The maximum is 5 sentences.

All of your paragraph are composed of run-on sentences, which is the main reason why you fell under the word count. You need to separate each sentence presentation by using only one idea per sentence. Do not combine information, opinions, or examples into one sentence presentation. That will almost always result in failing presentation on the part of the test taker.

Never rely on the constant use of commas to separate your thought process. Always use a full stop to indicate a complete thought to the reader. This is not only part of academic writing skills, but also has a direct relation on the coherence, cohesiveness, and GRA scoring of your essay.

Needless to say, there is no part of this essay that would even come close to attaining a passing score, on an individualized bracket consideration basis at this point.

Graduate / My enthusiasm to explore data science. Personal Statement - The Data Science Colloquium at Michigan [3]

Yilin, the personal statement should show the development of your interest in the major you have chosen. It is not a good idea to use the television show reference. Most reviewers frown upon such references as being strong motivational factors in a student's choice of major because television shows tend to either have a wrong interpretation of things or, a distorted idea of how things are done or represented. It would be better if you leave the television reference out of the presentation. Kick off the essay with a clear reference to your first exposure to data science instead.

After you explain your exposure, explain how you continued to nurture this interest and how you developed your skills on an informal basis. You may even use academic references to developing your programming skills in relation to data science. Those information will lay the foundation for your interest and show its development to the point of becoming your first choice college major.

The reviewer will use the personal statement to identify whether you have a true interest in the course you have chosen to study or, if you are just someone who is riding on an educational trend, without a real interest in the course. The reviewer wants to be sure that, if you are admitted to the university, you will stick it out and complete the course.

That is why the personal statement should indicate or imply your academic goal in relation to your choice of university. The choice of university will explain your decision making process, which will prove that this is your first choice university and not just a back up university. You have not properly presented these discussion points in your personal statement.

While this is a good general essay, it does not pass as a personal statement due to missing information and reference points. You may want to rethink your presentation and revise the essay to reflect more of the useful information that the reviewer can consider as a part of your application.

Scholarship / Escaping - how you have overcome financial or social difficulties, physical or emotional problem [4]

It does not apply because you are discussing UNIST for most of the essay, which is a university in South Korea. You are being asked to discuss a problem in relation to your high school studies. That is why the essay is not applicable. UNIST is your dream university. It has nothing to do with your high school or middle school studies and difficulties. That is why this essay does not apply. You are discussing a topic that is not related to the prompt requirement. Perhaps you do not understand the English prompt very well? Try to find someone to translate the prompt for you to your native language, then maybe you will understand why you cannot use this essay as the topic you chose, your rejection from UNIST, is not the proper topic to discuss in this essay. Neither is your escape from your home country. Try to discuss your financial, emotional, or psychological difficulties while you were in middle school or high school. Do not relate it to your dream of attending UNIST. UNIST has nothing to do with the prompt you were provided and should not be made a part of the discussion.

Letters / MOtivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus Image Processing and Computer Vision Program 2019 [2]

This is a personal statement. Not a letter of motivation. The letter of motivation in this instance should focus on how you developed an interest in IPCV based on your undergraduate and professional exposure to the system. Try to think about your vision for IPCV. What is that vision? What skills do you think you need to develop to attain that vision? Why do you believe that this vision or belief of yours is the future of IPCV? The motivating factor needs to represent your idealism with regards to the contribution this technology can deliver in the future. Think of your professional goals as part of the motivating factor. Why are you motivated to improve your skills in this profession? What personal or professional experience motivated your desire to attend higher studies ? Clarify the motivation for your interest in this particular course. Don't try to pile all of your information into this essay. There will be other prompts that will allow you to highlight all of the information you overloaded into this one. Stick to a motivating factor discussion in this essay.

Don't try to deliver the statement of purpose along with this essay, which is what accidentally happened with the current essay. Remember, motivation is all about presenting your action, willingness, and goals. This essay is more of a backgrounder regarding who you are. It has very little to do with motivating factors in the sense of the word.Try to professionalize the presentation by focusing on motivating factors instead of academic and practical skills in relation to your chosen masters course. This is not the essay for that presentation. Save those for the statement of purpose.

Needless to say, you have to write a new essay that will be based on the guide questions I provided. Those questions should help you get on track towards a proper motivation discussion in the essay. It should help you create a more usable draft essay for further improvement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: In cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem [4]

Geetika, there is no such reference as "past one decade". The correct term is "past decade". A decade covers 10 years so you cannot say "in the past one ten years" as your phrase implies. That is improper grammar and vocabulary usage.

You are writing a response to a direct question essay. As such, you are expected to outline the topics for your discussion within the opening paraphrase. You got the paraphrase right for the topic section, but you should have indicated 2 reasons for the traffic problem and, rather than implying a solution discussion, you should have offered 2 solutions to the problem within your response sentence. This error will cause you to receive a lower TA score than you should have actually received for that section.

The direct response essay is the exception to the one topic per paragraph rule. In this instance, you can present 2 connected reasoning topics supported by one encompassing example. However, you are not to go beyond the 3-5 sentence rule per paragraph, which you did in this essay. You may also use up to 3 reasoning paragraphs in the body to better explain your opinion.

Try to avoid using word fillers such as "to initiate" and "That is to say". Those are only used to meet the word requirement, which is unnecessary in an academic essay because each sentence needs to represent a topic or reason immediately due to the limited sentence requirement.

Do not start a sentence with "because" since that is a connecting word used to connect discussion points in one sentence. Do not count out the discussion points either. Practice using transition phrases and sentences to increase your GRA score along with the C&C considerations. Avoid all word fillers so that you can produce an essay that allows you to maximize the LR potential in the scoring system. Use actual words related to the discussion instead of worthless fillers.

Graduate / KGSP-Graduate Personal Statement for Archaeology; Dead Men Do Tell Tales [4]

Angelo, your motivation is well developed in relation to your interest in archeology. However, the motivations are purely academic. There is no professional motivation by which the reviewer can consider your application. Your background in archeology is somewhat helped by your background in medical studies, but your lack of actual exposure to the field and work experience at dig sites may be a hindrance to your application. In addition, your college major does not truly align itself with the requirements of an Archeology student.

Normally, the scholarship gives priority to students who can prove a continuing education their current profession. Now, it appears that you are not involved in an archeological profession in your country, which is why you always speak in theoretical form regarding your motivation and have a tremendously weak amateur, rather than professional experience in the field.

Based on your background and lack of experience, I am not convinced that this essay will help you win the scholarship, regardless of your strong interest in Korean based archeology and fascination with all things Korean. The essay doesn't serve to move your application forward. Rather, it hinders the consideration of your application due to lack of proper qualifications. Unless you can prove that you have actual archeological experience of some sort, I do not believe that your application will make it past the screening state.

If you want to have a chance of competing for this scholarship then you should apply for a masters degree that shows a continuing education based upon your actual undergraduate studies. This is because of the succeeding essay requirements that will deal directly with the applicability of your studies to your current career and also study plans for your masters thesis.These are the reasons why you need the continuing education foundation in this essay.

Undergraduate / The opportunity to propose and implement your own project using your skills, knowledge, and passion [2]

Ayoub, you are over reaching with this essay. The requirement is for you to present only one project. A project that you will explain from its inception, its objectives, its goals, source of funding, early implementation, collaborative organizations for the project, and the eventual, long term outcome of the project. You are presenting several ambitious ideas in this essay, but not have an actual focus on the required elements. Since you have several ideas / projects indicated in this essay, I strongly urge you to analyze each project for strength and weaknesses, then use the strongest one for this essay. Pick the one that is closest to your major, can have an early development on campus, which you can turn into a student community organization or group. That way you can turn to the university administration, education department, and proper government agency for financing and funding. As of now, you have too many under developed in this presentation. It can only be strengthened by focusing on the most course major related project that you can come up with.

Letters / Motivation letter for BBA degree at KU Leuven; this program was designed for me [3]

Tala, a motivation letter needs to represent only a few descriptive information per paragraph. The information you need to present are:

1. A summary of your educational background from your undergraduate course to your masters course;
2. A summary of your professional history and how it created the foundation of your motivation for higher academic studies;
3. Specific academic challenges that you face in relation to your current job which you hope to have the university help you address through this course;

4. Why you were motivated to study in this country based on its achievements in your field of choice.

Those are the motivating factors that need to be presented in summary form, as these will be discussed at length in the personal statement and statement of purpose essays later on. The motivation letter should be strong in reasoning but not too definitive as this should only be a 5 paragraph essay at the most.

Scholarship / Escaping - how you have overcome financial or social difficulties, physical or emotional problem [4]

Karina, the essay is about difficulties during your time in high school. It is not about your failure to enter your dream university. UNIST is a public science and technology university in Korea. The essay is clear that the discussion has to focus on hindrances that could have led to the hindering of your early to high school education. Based on the prompt discussion topics, it is safe to say that your discussion does not respond at all to the prompt requirements. You did not understand what was being asked of you in the discussion. Had you submitted this essay with the rest of your documents, you would have found your application immediately rejected. You have to write a new essay that does not focus on your desire to attend UNIST. You have to write an essay that focuses on your difficulties that prevented you from performing well in middle school and high school instead. Do not use this essay, it is not applicable, it will not be considered for your application. It does not provide the required information as per prompt requirements.

Graduate / A supplementary essay describing a challenge faced at work and how I overcame it [3]

Pranay, first up, you cannot use a mock situation at the office. A mock situation is simply a task exercise. That does not have any actual repercussions nor achievements when the project fails or succeeds. Therefore, it cannot be used to represent a workplace challenge. You cannot use this essay as it does not prove an actual workplace scenario challenge. In fact, even the situation that you presented, you being an overachiever, cannot really be considered a workplace challenge. Rather, that is a personal challenge and adjustment that you had to make. It would be best if you change the essay to use an actual workplace scenario. Not one that was accomplished in a controlled environment. The controlled environment is what prevented this essay from being one that actually applies to the prompt you were provided. Pick a job assignment that truly challenged your skills, abilities, saw you fail, but also saw you succeed and learn a valuable lesson along the way.

Graduate / Data Science is a promising profession - University of Michigan SOP [2]

Yilin, how far into the future are your travel agency plans? Give it a time-frame. Remember that the MS studies are applicable only up to a 5 year career plan at the most. Your purpose cannot be just based on a professional need, such as your future plans. You also need to present an academic need for your studies. Your reasoning when it comes to the academic aspect feels shallow. It isn't really convincing. You need to work in your academic plans with your professional goals to create a more connected statement of purpose.

Your academic accomplishments could describe any other applicant for this program. You have to increase the attention in relation to your academic profile by discussing your accomplishments in this field. At the moment, you sound like an ordinary student who does not have any stand out accomplishments, academic plans, or research / related activities which will prove that you are a capable, academically focused student who will be an asset to the program. Try to think of some achievements that you can present which will help the essay become memorable to the reviewer.

Your choice of university discussion is too generic. You could be describing any common university with that statement. Since this is a "sister" university of your alma mater, work on that aspect of continuing studies. Describe the potential of the university to help you achieve both academic and professional goals by discussing specific information relevant to your course choice. You have to show a familiarity with the university and its course presentations because at the moment, that aspect is almost irrelevant in presentation.

Try to strengthen your references in the essay to help it become stronger and stand out. If you focus on reworking the essay based on specific needs and presentations, then you have the chance to improve the presentation to the point of notability.

Undergraduate / Early Christmas - University of Illinois Urbana Champaign Application Essay [3]

Reuben, you successfully present your relevant skills and academic interest in the essay but you do not successfully explain how the university will be able to help you fulfill your chosen program at the university, Considering that you have some Engineering background and have had failures in that area, your essay should therefore represent 2 parts: (1) Your strength as a potential student due to your relevant practical experience and (2) your weaknesses that drew you to the program of your choice at the university. Based on these weaknesses, clearly discuss how the university course/program/training/other considerations will help you strengthen these weak areas. If possible, explain how you hope to show your professors and peers how far you have improved through participation in a specific engineering showcase at the university when the time comes.

The essay is not very good due to the strong focus on only one area of the discussion instructions. You will have to write a new essay that will address all of the aspects of the discussion, based on the given topics for each essay paragraph. This essay is strong in terms of skills representation but nothing else. If the essay only focused on that topic, then I would give the go ahead to use this essay. Since it is not, I have to be honest and tell you that you have to write a totally new essay for the application.

Undergraduate / Appealing aspects of Jacobs University's academic program [2]

Saidbek, The 2 paragraphs that you write which is supposed to explain the appealing reasons for choosing Jacob's sounds more like a cut and paste from some sort of website or student brochure. It does not really indicate a personal reason for the choice. Try to explain your reason less through memorized text and more through an ideal application of the teaching methods and laboratory offerings the university has.

Think of how you plan to enhance your skills and learning at the university. Focus on a project that you would like to implement on your grandfather's farm or a project you could have applied there (if the farm is no longer existing). This will show the reviewer that you have carefully considered the facilities and subjects offered in relation to your academic interests. It proves that you will be completing the course instead of possibly changing midstream, which is what your non-specific response indicates.

The alumni program of the university should not be a reason for your university choice. That should be the least of it since you are not even sure that you will be graduating from this course. Look for another reason. Something more specific to say, post graduate interests or professional goals that the university can help you achieve through various or specific programs. Don't focus on the alumni at this point. That is not a valid reason for the choice of university.

Undergraduate / Math and computers - Waterloo University AIF help [4]

Jimmy, the essay lacks a focus on the academic goals that led to your choice of university. There are several unimportant references in the essay that makes your response less than impressive. The best parts of this essay that you can use for your revised statement are as follows:

For academic goals:
- I imagine myself as someone who will not only witness, but also be a part of the accelerating technological evolution of the world
* Describe what your main reason for attending college as a major in this course is. What sort of part do you want to play in the technological evolution of the world? Consider this a question that is asking you "What profession do you wish to be a part of in the future?" Then relate those plans to the university laboratory and what sort of skills and research development you hope to accomplish there.

For the choice of university:
- UWaterloo's prestigious Math and Engineering Faculty ...reach my dream.
* This is a good foundation for the draft response, but should not be the actual response as it is too generic in reference. You need specifics for the Co-Op line of study, why you feel this will benefit you as a student and how the student community will function to inspire your desire to complete your studies.

The 900 character limit means you do not need to reference your childhood in this essay. Just focus on the here and now of your decision to choose this university. Based it on your current academic interests, professional goals, and comparison of other university learning tracks with Waterloo. That way you show a strong and analytical reason for opting to enroll in this university.

Scholarship / "A medium to inspire others to take the initiative" - Local Scholarship Leadership Essay [2]

Christopher, I believe that the essay requires more of a backgrounder and insight as to why and how you pushed yourself to become the leader of the gym movement. An explanation of how your friends and peers viewed exercised and gym related activities while you were a profound believer of its benefits would help to offer a comparison discussion that laid out the foundation for the movement. After that, knowing that they would be hard to convince could be the part that refers to "learn more, do more, and become more, " Describe how you not only changed yourself, but also had to learn more about body building and fitness to be able to better entice them to try out the activity. It is only after this aspect of the explanation that you can launch into the paragraph that indicates; "Wanting to involve myself further in this movement, I started offering to train others for free. ..." You have to clarify if you became a licensed fitness trainer or, if you were merely inspiring them in an unofficial capacity. While both are leadership roles. The prior carries more weight by proving your desire to become a leader in this field through study, training, and licensing. This would definitely lead to your friends becoming more impressed with the results of your fitness training. Overall, the essay is good and directly relates to the quote you chose. You just need to explain things further to make it clearer to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / A new fashion industry that I will be a part of creating-FIT application essay [3]

The essay in itself is too focused on your desire to help the environment through business. It does not show any proof of your successful ability to merge business and ecological / sustainable fashion in the essay. FIT requires applicants to prove that you have an early experience in doing both in the essay. Your essay doesn't offer any idea regarding your accomplishments, on an individual instead of team basis, in either field.

While the community you developed at your previous school helped you develop skills, it is the proof that you can work on your own in a successful manner, based on your professional goals, that FIT will be most impressed with. How have you integrated sustainable fashion in your business studies so far? Evidence of creating fashion designs that use recycled materials which caught the eye of friends, associates, or other people would be good supporting data for that question. Don't aim to create a personal essay. Aim to create an informative essay. A personal essay means something to you, but may not mean anything to the reviewer because the prompt has specific information required of the applicant. The prompt requires you to explain:

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay. This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.

You were able to explain the first two parts, but you have not really justified your credentials as a potential student through relevant experiences, sustainable fashion activities (FIT is a fashion school first and foremost so your business education comes only second in the presentation), and any accomplishments you have had in related fields. Based on what you have written so far, the reviewer will not be keen on continuing to read your essay. It is so personal that it does not offer him the information he needs to assess your application.

You are not providing him with any foundation to believe that you actually could be a good student at the university because of the lack of relevant fashion / design activities and accomplishments. Balance your discussion between sustainability, your designs, and then business. You will find that it will become personal without having to try hard to make it personal. The essay will be considerable in content and thus, interesting for the reviewer to read, resulting in your application being considered.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus IMSISS - personal statement; motivation for applying, educational background, future [2]

Cecilia, this is a good draft. There are areas that need to be removed to make it strong and some portions need to be better discussed to help you create the strongest possible responses to the discussion questions. In my opinion, you do not need to include paragraph 4 in this presentation. The language skills are not a priority consideration for the reviewer. I would also rearrange the paragraphs in the following manner: 3,1, 5, 2,.

From there, I would revise the content to add information about how the program will support your future career development through a paragraph long "possibilities" take on the question as opposed to the favorite default response to this question which is "I will go on to study a PhD". That is not a career plan. That is an academic plan that is irrelevant to the provided discussion questions. The educational and professional background is strong. You show that you should not have a problem strategizing a future career plan and yet you somehow struggled to respond to that question.

Aside from doing research, what actual applications do you think you can use this education on? What changes do you hope to bring to Brazil? If you work for a security agency, what capacity would that be in and how do you hope to contribute to the improvement of the security strategy of the country? Will your focus be on internal terrorist threats or national crime? There are so many directions your future career path could have projected, but you failed to consider your options for presentation in this essay.

Scholarship / Describe your academic interests and explain how you see these interests shaping your future [3]

Jaida, the essay does not make any sense. You are not really describing your academic interests in a manner that shows how you believe these interests can help shape your future. The essay comes across more as you just throwing around ideas, not really focusing on the prompt requirement. You are just trying to find a place to start the essay. I think, you should start your new response essay / statement with the following line:

When I was in the 9th grade I Took an Academy class in marketing at my high school.

Then clarify the following line because it doesn't really make that much sense to the reader, nor relate directly to the discussion requirement:

At first I was really scared that I would fall behind in the class but once we started doing the activities and started learning the background knowledge of everything I could see myself doing this as a career.

Answer the question: Why were you afraid of falling behind? Why did you see yourself doing this as your career? What other academic classes did you take which helped prepare you for this major? What makes you think, based on your academic interests, that you can be a success once you follow this career path?

Marketing and business really sparked my interest from the numbers to logistics of it.
Again, why?

These sentences I specifically picked out for you should be the basis of your new essay. The guide questions I provided should help you get on track towards properly responding to the prompt requirements. The responses you give should help you explain how these interests will help shape your future.

Writing Feedback / High salary or a good work atmosphere. Discursive Essay IELTS [5]

Anna, you have not properly paraphrased the essay. You are not allowed to begin the discussion, nor present evidence of your personal opinion, within the prompt paraphrase. Not unless you are discussing a direct question essay which, in this case, you are not doing. You should only restate the topic and instructions in your own words within the first paragraph of the essay. Proof of this can be seen below:

Original Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Response Action: This essay will examine both of these points and will support the idea of the importance of a positive working environment because this is what affects both employee's health and working efficiency.

Proper Response Action: I shall be presenting my personal opinion regarding this topic after I analyze the 2 public discussion points.

In order to write an essay that does not fall back on using memorized phrases, you have to get used to creating a topic sentence for the beginning of every paragraph. An example of an effective topic sentence would be if you had not said "On the one hand" and instead beginning with the topic itself as "The public view that proper monetary compensation is a factor to consider..." This topic sentence offers 2 strong points that will increase your essay score. The first increase, comes from a proper representation of the task, which is to discuss a point of view in every paragraph. The second increase, comes from the C&C section as the discussion clearly focuses on a single topic which does not use word fillers so your sentence structure score has a tendency to increase as well.

The final paragraph, the concluding summary is incorrect. This should not only represent your personal opinion but should also represent the other 2 points of view. If you wish, you may offer that statement within 3 sentences that interconnect as a summary of the previous discussion.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement: WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION? [2]

Dylan, your essay can use with some content editing. Please focus your academic goals, developed skills, and professional ambitions as the main reasons that you chose the university. The question is asking you to justify the relevance of the course you have chosen and the university curriculum with your current professional skills, required theoretical and practical skills advancement, and future professional plans. These are information that lack discussion and presentation in this current version of the essay. The fact that you were previously awarded a scholarship is of no importance to this presentation because you were given a scholarship by a different foundation, which looks for different requirements and accomplishments from their potential sponsored students.

You are constantly changing the discussion course in this current version of your essay which is why there is no real clarity behind your reasons for choosing this particular course and university to study your masters course at. Tell the reviewer what sets this university aside from the others and why their teaching process is one that cannot be duplicated by other universities you have considered.

Writing Feedback / The extinction of animal species such as land and marine animals results from human activities IELTS [3]

Huu,, as a direct question essay, you are required to present your simplified response to both questions, in this case the causes and possible solutions, within the opening paraphrase. These reasons and causes will serve as the 2 reasoning paragraph outline for your essay. Now remember, this is an advanced writing type of essay so you will need to use transition sentences in each paragraph to relate 2 reasons and 2 solutions in each paragraph presentation. That means, you need to use the maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph in the following manner:

Sentence 1 - First reason
Sentence 2 - Supporting example
Sentence 3 - Transition sentence
Sentence 4 - Second reason
Sentence 5 - Supporting example

The same format goes for the solutions, this time replacing the term "reasons" with "solutions". In reality, your presentation was close to the above format except you lacked a transition sentence in the middle of the paragraph and you lacked supporting examples that could have strengthened the presentation. You also went over the maximum sentence number in the first reasoning paragraph. You should never write more than 5 sentences per paragraph.

Additionally, your concluding statement is very weak as it does not offer a proper summary of the prompt, reasoning, and solutions as indicated for the reverse paraphrase requirements of the concluding summary.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about mathematics [4]

Main, don't forget that when you are discussing two connected ideas in one sentence, you must use a comma after the transitional phrase. Therefore the following presentation required the use of a comma:

... however, if you know the effective ways , I am sure that it will become easier and easier...

You have a few difficulties with punctuation use in this essay. When indicating a series of connected information, please remember to use an Oxford comma whenever you present a list more than 3 references long. Thus:

When you have a complicated task, do not give up, just calm down, have a deep breath, or take a rest and then do it again.

The essay is simple enough for a beginner to present. The thought process is clear. You come across as someone who is truly wanting to help his reader. Your work is relatively error free save for the oversights that I saw. These errors were made due to some grammar rules that you either do not know about or forgot to apply in the essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Meng in Chemical Engineeing National University of Singapore [2]

Shi, please set this essay aside and use it later on as a personal statement. The essay is not fit for a statement of purpose because it is arranged in a manner that makes it more editable for a personal statement essay. You should write a new essay that will focus more on your college studies, professional experience, and how those experiences have best prepared you to attend the masters course at NUS.

You could kick off your statement of purpose in a fashion similar to the following:

Having had a keen interest in Chemistry for most of my life, I went on to pursue a degree in the same subject as an undergraduate student. I graduated in XXXX from XXXX university in XXXX. My abilities as an undergraduate student was constantly recognized through... More than all these accomplishment though, I believe that my becoming a Chemistry teacher after graduation is what best prepared me to pursue masters studies in this field.

As a Chemistry teacher at XXX I was tasked to XXXX. The ultimate benefit of my working as a teacher though was having the opportunity to develop my research skills. Skills that I believe will help me succeed as a researcher...

At NUS I hope to gain the foundation to fulfill my purpose of becoming a... The course curriculum allows me to...

The example above highlights the format of the presentation as well a suggested content based on required information. Creating your own version of the template above should help you deliver a highly useful and informative SOP.

Scholarship / She is a determined, hardworking person. Writing Chevening recommendation letter to British Embassy [3]

You need supporting examples for the communication, interpersonal and professional skills. A recommendation letter must support the belief of the writer when it comes to the facts of the person being referred in the letter. The leadership reference requires supporting data for your people management skills as well. Most of your reference points are only implied but not described. It is one thing to imply it at the start of the paragraph, but a supporting description should always be present to serve as evidence for the consideration of the reviewer. Based on the information provided, the reviewer will use the information during the interview of your referee. He will be probed and the information provided, investigated for validity. That is why it is important that the letter be as specific as possible when it comes to referencing your skills. It will also be good to make reference to your time management skills as this is one of the factors that can determine the ability of the masters student to meet tight deadlines and deliver projects on time. Overall, this draft is good but has plenty of room for improvement and additional information.

Undergraduate / University of Waterloo - what draw my attention there? [3]

You properly address the educational goals and interest in the chosen program. However, your reasons for choosing Waterloo are not very convincing due to the generalized nature of your presentation. These references are not Waterloo specific in terms of their academic offerings and facilities. Your specific discussion of the extracurricular reasons for choosing the university should also be applied to the academic reasons for your choice. Discuss specific course offerings and academic organizations that you can benefit from. Talk about how you will develop your skills in their computer lab. Discuss any overseas scholarship opportunities you look forward to applying for. Internship programs and employment opportunities are also interesting aspects to present in this discussion. Any information that shows a specific familiarity with the university, the department, and the training facilities will definitely help enhance your statement. Revise the last part of your response so that you can meet the maximum word count. Preserve the first part of your response as it is useful and appropriate for the essay.

Undergraduate / From the Booth - RYERSON UNDERGRAD ADMISSION ESSAY [3]

Ryan, for starters don't use the words of Rupert Murdoch to speak for you. Instead, refer the reviewer to your own point of view regarding the importance of journalism, how it should come to life for the reader or, in this case, the listener, and how that radio broadcast truly influenced your desire to become a journalist. Personally, I am not impressed by your choice of broadcast because it is a sports related coverage. As a future journalist, you should be able to frame your own quote and use your own words in doing so. You are trying to imply that you have the skills to create impressive statements in this essay, as a journalist is often expected to do. Think of a personal soundbite that you can use to do this.

Somehow, it does not feel like it could really influence someone to become a journalist. It could inspire you to become a sports commentator, but definitely not a journalist. I would have opted for some other news broadcast that could have influenced you to become a journalist.

For example, the 2016 elections and how it transpired has created a new form of journalism and ushered in a new generation of journalists. One of the radio or television broadcasts that covered election night should be something that truly delivers an epiphany for the listener or viewer. Most specially, someone who is trying to find his niche in the world of journalism. The event you have to depict in this essay needs to be compelling enough to convince the reviewer that the experience was truly life altering for you and could have truly pushed you towards a serious journalism career.

Writing Feedback / Group study or self-study, which is better? [7]

When presented with a the above instruction for the discussion, you must present each point of view as an individual paragraph. Your personal opinion, counts as an individual paragraph as well. The reason why each part has to be presented separately has to do with the way that you will be explaining and supporting your reasons. You cannot discuss all of the reasons in a single paragraph because you will not be able to present ample supporting references for it. In order to allow you more space to clearly explain yourself, you need to approach each paragraph topic individually.

A personal point of view is not presented as a conclusion because a conclusion does not allow you to present an opinion on a matter. It merely used as a tool by which you close the discussion. Since your personal opinion is still part of the reasoning discussion, you cannot use it as a conclusion for the essay. Not in an academic essay, which this topic counts as and which writing style you are being taught in this class. So your presentation is correct.

Remember, each paragraph needs a topic sentence, just one, for each reason. Each point of view is given one paragraph for a strong presentation. A personal opinion is presented as a separate paragraph, never as part of a conclusion. These are the standard English essay writing rules, for beginners that is. It gets more complicated to write as you progress with your writing skills. Right now, just focus on the simple presentation as I indicated above.