Scholarship / Efforts to obtain information on your study options / selection of proposed course and institutions [7]

Hi Adhesti, again a warm welcome to EF, I do hope that we will be able to serve the purpose of this websites existence and our help is valuable to your practice.

Now, here on EF, we suggest that you post the essays or the writing articles, one topic at a time, this is because it will give us a better focus, better understanding and accurate analysis. Moreover, with this much information, the absorption of the details will not provide you with a strong analysis and guidance.

For now, I will let you choose which ones will go first in this list of essays, make sure to prioritize them in a way that will be very beneficial to you and to your current situation. I will get back to you for additional remarks and hopefully valuable modification.

Writing Feedback / Should the amount of noise people make be controlled strictly or not? IELTS [4]

You're most welcome Thebest2016, indeed this website is not just a website, one of our goals is to make sure that we are an inspiration to others who are practicing the English language and get better at it.

For future writing reference, mind the words you choose for your essay, stay simple as much as you can, keep a draft of all your writing articles, this will help you see the progress of your work, moreover, you will be able to judge yourself, if you got better or not.

Furthermore, one of the best practices that I always share to everyone is, read your essay aloud and when something sounds off, this means there is something to be done on that part of the essay and that it needs further modification.

I hope this helps and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / A practicing essay on "Talents can be trained or not". [3]

Hi Bingbing, that's a very warm WELCOME there from our EF contributors and we really hope we can be of service.

Now, as I read through your essay, I must say that there is quiet a lot of work to be done. This is normal when it comes to the first stage of writing and one way to get better is practice, this does not only apply in writing but also to reading and comprehension. What you read will also help you come up with better words for your essay and the more you read, the better you become in practicing the language.

Moreover, the usage of words can be better, such as "On one hand", should be, "On the other hand ", when you say "However",the phrase, "on the other hand", is not at all necessary as this is somehow redundant and you know for a fact that being redundant doesn't make any difference in your essay so it's best to avoid this writing technique.

There you have it Bingbing, I hope to review the revision soon and keep writing.

Letters / Keen to study Master's program of Food Science with specialisation in Food Innovation and Management [2]

Hi Mita, as much as I like the facts and details of your essay, I must say that the letter is, first of all, too long for its purpose, the information in the letter are somehow not necessary and some of it can be deleted and be kept for future reference and for argument purposes.

While at your revision, learn and execute the process of elimination by answering the question, What is the motivating factor of pursuing Masters in Food Science?, should you be able to answer this on your own, well you did, however, make sure that you focus on this question alone and answer it direct to the point. Highlight your academic achievements and make sure your reasons are loud and lear, meaning, use words that depict your purpose in a way that it is clear, concise and comprehensive.

Lastly, make it known to the admission council that this masters is a priority and your only focus should be given the opportunity.

Writing Feedback / Should the amount of noise people make be controlled strictly or not? IELTS [4]

Hi Thebest2016, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website useful as well as helpful to your essays and future writing reference. What I notice are the words that seemed off of the ideas that you are trying to implicate in the essay however you are having troubles expressing them.

Moreover, I can also see that you receive a comprehensive modification from one of our contributors and I hope you follow through. One of the keys in managing a good essay is knowing when, what and how the words are placed in the essay. The transition of the ideas should have a progress, events that will complete the essay.

Overall, the essay can use a little help and I look forward to reviewing the revised version of your argument.

Writing Feedback / The Chart and information about global population, where China is the most densely populated state [5]

Hi Rere, I believe you miss to include the graph in this analysis. Posting the graph and any other representation will definitely help us assess your analysis.

For future reference, make sure that the representation is posted

- byin the regions fromin

- throughout the regions
- with the percentage at nearly 25%.
- other Asia-Pacific Pacific region ,
- inof which possess
- in comparedcomparison to other

- of all the regions is
- and then it followed by Europe
- have the same distribution

There you have it Rere, I hope the above corrections are useful for your revision. The remarks are almost similar to your previous analysis and I hope you follow through with the corrections.Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. IELTS [6]

Hi Rere, I would like to share additional insights to your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.

- responsibility toin taking care of their children
- Most of the schools today
- which put more
- emphasizeemphasis to the
- In addition, majority of the teachers - students are merely onout of duty,
- and bullying atin school.

- In fact, the more affection
- get, the more
- teachers doare not

There you have it Rere, I hope I was able to add a few more insights to your essay and create a valuable and stronger essay. For future writing reference, the links and ideas in the sentences needs to transition smoothly, therefore, the details should be intact and minor corrections while proof reading will definitely help.

Scholarship / Skills necessary for implementation of modern information and communication technology (ICT) [2]

Hi Muhammad, I would like to share a few insights to your letter.

Overall, I believe the letter is written well, you manage to create a letter that has a good flow, starting a letter with your current association, this will create a very solid base for the letter.

Moreover, the letter relied on the experience you had and the challenges you are willing to take.The necessary information to support the purpose of your letter and in taking this program is defined in the letter, this is very important as the letter is the key to your acceptance in this program.

If there's anything that I would change or suggest that you change or try to use other words when expressing your ideas, be confident that you are going to be a part of the program and own it.

I hope this helps.

Graduate / Motivational Essay MSc Communications Engineering at Technical University of Munich [2]

HI Syed, well first of all, I'd like to greet you with a WARM WELCOME here on Essay Forum, our family of writers, students and readers alike are happy to know that there more and more people knowing and able to find us in the web crawled age. Moreover, I hope you find this website helpful and useful not only to your future writing and language exercise but also in your daily life.

As I finish reading your essay, what I noticed is the heart that you put into your writing, the passion is very evident, you made sure that the essay will not only depict the true purpose of the essay but also to know you as a person, the writer of the essay and a future medicine practitioner.

As a matter of fact, your essay is actually speaking more of your passion to science and not much to the practice itself and don't get me wrong this is absolutely good. Now, if there is something that I would suggest in your revision, it is for you to try using more formal words, words that embody, not only your interest in medicine, but more so, your desire to help and let your hands touch peoples lives.

I hope my insights help.

Research Papers / Abstract of a scientific paper for power transformer fault diagnosis [4]

Hi Tony, below are my observations;

The overall paper is fairly written, you were able to depict the reason behind the diagnosis and the effects of the matter in the scientific study.

As this is a draft, you should be able to practice it like a final submission, mind the spaces, the minor details such as punctuation marks as well the verb forms you associate to your essay.

I loved the fact that you are able to provide the meaning of the words before you abbreviate them, this is one form of educating your readers towards your research and of course, the more you get educated on what you read, the better you understand the research and more so, the more interesting it gets. I hope to read and review the entire research paper and should you need help, we are here to assist you.

Scholarship / A friend's letter of recommendation for the HENAAC Scholars Program [3]

HI Juan, as much as I like the heartfelt writing technique in this letter of recommendation, I would not advice this approach, this is because the letter is like trying very hard to recommend you and normally, the council will feel this as a conspiracy between the recommended party and the person who wrote the letter.

What I suggest is this, keep the essay in a professional manner, the struggles are too personal to be included in this essay, more so, the relationship between you and your friend should not be the emphasis of this letter, the focus should be on you.

I suggest that you revise the letter in a way that is centered to your expertise as well as to your future contribution to the institution you want to belong. I hope to review the revised letter soon.

Essays / The Flowers by Alice Walker, 4-5 Page Term Paper. Need help selecting a topic [3]

Hi Bianca, I would like to share my thoughts on your confusing problem

First of all, the problem is not the topic of the paper, because you already decided that you are going to write the "Flowers by Alice Walker ", short story, this in itself, the topic of your paper. Now, this paper is like writing an analysis, the analysis of the short story.

Basically, what you need to write is how you understood the story, like writing a synopsis or something to that effect.
Moreover, as you have read the story, it should be an easy breezy writing.Pretty much, what I'm trying to say is that, choose the second option on the list of choices you have, this is easier to write, also, this way, you are able to express yourself properly, as you have read and comprehend the story.

I hope to review your analysis Bianca and post if here when you have your draft ready, so we can be able to assist you, should you need further enhancement.

Research Papers / The life of dolphins behind the glass tank. Research Paper Draft- Seeking Peer Review [2]

Hi Sarah, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we aim to provide you with the best and most comprehensive criticism, in order for you to be able to achieve the needed level for your writing, we also hope that the remarks you receive are helpful as well as useful in your future writing reference.

Now, going back to your paper, I can see that you have received a well modified correction for your research and as I finish reading the paper as well as the suggested revision, I must say that it is well written, you were able to provide a good analysis, it definitely depicts the life of a dolphin under observation and you did the observation pretty good. When it comes to your citation, however, it is not sufficient that you provide the source of the information, the tittle of the book, the citation should include the page as well as the stanza or the paragraph if there is such an information.

Moreover, as this is just a draft, there is still a lot of room for improvement, one thing that I also suggest is that, you have to make sure that you have enough space for a personal opinion, towards the end of the paper, make sure to input a little bit of your personal thoughts towards the paper. This helps extend the idea that you have for this study and the results of this paper.

I hope this insights helps and I wish to review the final paper soon.

Writing Feedback / Generating electricity from sea waves. IELTS Writing task 1- The process chart [6]

Hi Xuan, kindly find additional help for your analysis below;

- The charts provided depict how power
- a wave; the rise and the fall,
- that invoke the system
- and trigger the electrical
- from the wave
- movement including the cliff
- keep the entire system
- of the wave impact,
- and control the air flow. Aa nd the final
- handles the generatinged

- RegardingWith regards to the first chart,
- pushed to outside through the two columns. - and goes to operatingoperates .

- from the outside
- turbine and remain rotating
- regardless of the change
- of the air stream.

There you have it Xuan, I hope you find the remarks helpful as well as useful towards the revision of your analysis.

Scholarship / Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS [7]

Hi Akbar, thank you appreciating our work here on EF, I'm back for the second part of the essay.

- I am applying a masters course
- in need of a translated
- certified documents arefind it difficult

- Studying at the English
- bachelors degree
- of the language
- grantsed me awards
- I believed that translation
- is another way inof educating
- by initiatingwith the help of the private institution,
- considerations will guideprovide me
- to be a well prepared
- and to continue my future study.
- I need towill find a university
- that involves some elective courses
- in relation to my aimsgoals which
- I believed that both RMIT
- sinceas they offers Indonesian

There you have it Akbar, I hope this modification helps.
I will get back for the rest of the paragraphs soon.

Undergraduate / "Overcoming Adversities" - My College Readmission Essay [9]

Hi Juan, indeed, confidence is missing in this essay.
The thing is, once you write, the reader, specially the admission council, will feel the sincerity, the confidence and the heart that you put into your writing and this should be pictured in the essay.

Moreover, the writer needs to believe in himself / herself, remember, the more you accept that you are the best and not the second best, the more power you give to the essay that you write.

Nevertheless, the essay just needs a little bit of polishing, a lot of heart and believe that re- admission to college is within reach and last but not the least, the courage to endure the challenge ahead. The essay is the start of a new beginning, a beginning of life's greater challenge and even more so greater success.

Essays / My task as a student is to write an argumentative essay, defending this quote. Introduction. [2]

Hi Diana, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, this website is aimed at providing you with the best and most comprehensive remarks that will hopefully be useful in your future writing.

Now with this introduction, I believe the reason why you are having a little bit of a time formulating it, is the fact that you are trying hard to express yourself, without even understanding the reason why you are writing this particular essay.

Moreover, you are trying to use big words, believe it or not, base on experience, the bigger the words you use in the essay, the more complicated it is, how to fix it?, use simple, conversational and easy to understand words, they are more likely to showcase the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. However, before you can achieve this, the first step is to understand and know the reason why you are writing this essay, its purpose and what it means to you, this is because, your personal opinion towards your writing, matters too. I wish to review the revision soon.

Undergraduate / This is my final essay for my Introduction to Religion class. 'My spiritual journey with religion' [3]

Hi Juan, I must say that more than completing this particular task, what I like about your essay is that, it has a heart, the reader, just like me felt the journey that you've been through and it was like we relive the moment you are trying to reminisce min this writing.

Now, with regards to the length of the essay, I'm not sure if this is the way to go, as there are some parts of this essay that can be summarized;, paragraphs 3 and 4, can be rolled into one paragraphs, this is true for paragraphs 6 and 7, I believe you can already draw a conclusion by coming up with a far better and stronger paragraph base on this two.

I hope to read your revision and as mentioned, it is a good essay and definitely a stronger one than the previous ones reviewed here on EF.

Book Reports / Wrote a analytical essay of Amy Tans, "Two Kinds" but I lacking understanding of a introduction, etc [7]

Hi David, the problem you have in this essay is not the introduction or any other part of the essay, the main thing that you have to deal with, is to be able to understand the essay itself. You can never come up with a good writing let alone an analysis if you haven't fully understood the subject at hand.

Moreover, an analysis is an essay depicting how you understood the subject and not the way it is written here in your work. The approach you have in this essay is sort of a summary or the story that was told all over again, only in a different way, it is a way that you want to tell the story.

I suggest that you read the subject once again, understand and make your analysis work for you, this will definitely help you with the introduction, more so in the analysis itself. I hope this insights help and I wish to review your essay for further review.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent... [4]

Hi Su, from the previous reviews, I must say that you have evolved in your writing,we feel very proud that the notes that we provided are helpful as well as useful in your writing.

Now, in this particular essay, the ideas are clearly defined by the words you choose to use in the sentences. Each paragraph is written with a fine flow of ideas that coincides with the previous as well as the succeeding ideas.

The argument you pointed in this essay is not only the result of your opinion but it is base on facts, the recent changes in the society, when it comes to our leaders, definitely does not draw a different meaning towards leadership,gender is not the basis, it is a factor but nor the overall or main reason in the uprising or violence.

As mentioned, this a good essay and I hope that you keep up the good job, write more often and try to read other students writing as this will also provide you with additional insights on your future writing.

Writing Feedback / Is intelligence influenced by nature or learning? [4]

Hi Nabila, I hope to share additional insights to your essay.
Overall, the argument you presented in this essay is very comprehensive, the details are in logical order, however, I notice in your third paragraph, you mentioned, " However, I strongly ensure that intelligence is not..", I believe the word choice on this part of the essay is not appropriate, I suggest the following;

However, I strongly believe that intelligence....

I think the above approach to your essay is far better than the original one, you see, it takes a little polishing on your essay and it will be a much better writing. I hope you keep practicing, write more often and continuously learn the language, this is the only way we can be good at what we do.

Writing Feedback / There is sufficient evidence to conclude that media promote violence to the society. [5]

HI Nurtria, judging from this essay, I must say that there are only very few corrections to be done in your essay, however, this minor details are very crucial in order to perform a well written essay.

The ideas you presented are backed by absolute reality, base on facts and therefore the focus of your essay should be on the construction of your ideas.

Indeed, the media has a huge role in shaping the society, violence is an added advert to its effects,the media is responsible for showing the society certain facts and examples, therefore, a great amount of responsibility is within their wing and they should act accordingly.

Overall, it is a good start and I hope that you practice writing more often and observe the corrections made on your essay so that the next essay will be better.

Graduate / Occupational Thearpy Master's Program Personal Statement - What is your rationale for choosing it? [3]

Hi Samantha, as the prompt is asking you to write the reasons behind choosing to pursue Masters on Occupational Therapy, then the essay cannot be sufficient enough, with just an overall idea and take to on occupational therapy.

Moreover, I can see that you did try to incorporate, as much information, personal experiences and practice to your essay, but it will be best if you input and provide greater emphasis on the outcome of this pursuit for masters, that is in a more realistic, specific and far detailed way than you have done in the conclusion part of the essay.

I hope this insights helped and I'm looking forward to reviewing your revision very soon. Best of luck to you dear.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Editorial - The Rise of a Phoenix [9]

Hi Antione, upon reading your essay, I must say it is a well written and creative one. I was entertained by your way of writing, more so, to the approach that you draw in the essay.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of Marvel Comics nor other superheroes, but then again, each of us is entitled to its own opinion. We may not be able to understand the reason behind this creation, the Superman and what not, but one thing is for sure, the creations of this marvelous stories is definitely a good addition to our exciting existence.

As mentioned, this editorial is a comprehensive one and very entertaining, it's like reading a review on this films with additional insights and opinion.

I hope to review more of your work in the future and keep up the good work.

Research Papers / Is Vegetarianism a healthy diet? It's important to know the true health benefits as well as the risk [3]

Hi Rachel, upon reading the paper, I must say that it is well written.
I may not be a fan of Vegetarianism, however, with your essay, I was able to understand and realize the real meaning of the concept of being a vegetarian. You made sure that the readers will understand what you are trying to convey by providing the meaning of each word that is not us in everyday conversation, you see this is a very effective approach to writing an essay. Remember, writing an essay is not just writing to answer the prompt, it is writing with the aim to provide information, information base on facts and backed up with personal understanding as well as your personal opinion towards the study.

Moreover, I loved the fact that you incorporated the citation alongside the facts that you have gathered form your sources, this is somehow the modern day of writing technique when it comes to research papers.

I hope this insights helped and are useful towards your future writing articles.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1:The diagrams below show the various kinds of water found on the earth... [3]

Hi Su, below are some additional insights to your analysis.

- The pie charts gives athe detailed
- information regarding to the 3 different

- As is illustrated from twoin the pie charts,
- we can see immediately see that
- water that is existing on
- the earth are salt water while,
- water that is fresh
- water which is more suitable
- water are out offrom ice,
- of the earth can
- merely be found with the least

There you have it Su, this is just the first 2 paragraphs of the analysis to show you the difference of a well revised analysis.
I hope you follow through and continue editing the next succeeding paragraphs in order for you to practice editing yourself.

Undergraduate / "Overcoming Adversities" - My College Readmission Essay [9]

Hi Brandi, first of all, I do understand that we need to be truthful with our writing, especially when it comes to the negative adversities that had happened, however, I believe to approach your essay with this unfortunate event is not the best way to start the essay.

I can see that you received a comprehensive remark here from one of the EF contributors and I hope you follow through. As this is a readmission essay, there is one thing that you have to prove to the council, that you are worthy of becoming a part of the institution. That this chance of re-admission will only be the start towards achieving greater heights in life.

Moreover, you have to be able to showcase, your can - do attitude, this will create more character to the essay and will definitely show them the real you and what you are capable of doing and contributing to the institution.

Do remember as well that, this is an opportunity that you long for and you should have your best foot forward. I wish you the best of luck and do let know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Scholarship / AAS Application Essay: How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? [3]

Hi Fatma, I would like to share some thoughts in your essay.
Overall, you have a well written essay, you made sure that the words you use in the construction of the essay depicts the purpose of the letter.

Moreover, you have shared the terminologies that are easily comprehensible and will keep the readers interested in every single paragraph.
The good thing about the essay as well, is that you manage to form an essay that is very strong from the beginning towards the end of the essay.

Towards the conclusion of the essay, you were also able to effectively create a realistic approach to your career plan and this is a very good technique to conclude your essay.

I hope to review more of your writing and keep practicing to get better.

Undergraduate / How will the proposed to your career? [4]

Hi Luse, first of all, a warm WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this website will not only be the source of your writing reference but also the avenue for you to be able to get the best advice in your writing and all your language practice.

Now, going back to your essay, I believe the correction should start from the title of the essay.

- How will theyou proposed to your career goals ?

The corrections to the title absolutely enhance the most important part of the essay and I hope you think the same way too.
I can also see that you have a comprehensive remark from one of the EF contributors and I hope you follow through, this will help enhance the entire idea of the essay. For addition, the word "Firstly" should be "First", this is one of the most common mistakes in the essays that are written nowadays.

For future writing reference, mind the words that you use in constructing your essay, as in this case, use the words that are formal, big in academic emphasis and moreover, words that depict the strong idea that you would like to convey to your readers. I hope to review more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Violence in Media Upgrade Hardness in Society? [5]

- Violence in the media still
- exist until knownow,it is
- as in variety shows,
- this content upgraded the violence in society, - are not a big deal,
- arguments both of the sides , - that viole nce( mind your spelling ) - will impact to raise the hardness inaffect the rise of crisis of the society.

- when the overall the content
- of hardnessroughness is eliminated,
- the storyline will be confusecomplicated . - Therefore, censors ins titution
- would be a substantial
- will be make thea flaw in the story flaw .

Hi Mimi, as you can see, I took the liberty to provide corrections on the first few paragraphs of your essay and I hope you follow through for the remaining few paragraphs of the essay. Be very careful with your sentence construction and turn on that spell checker. Keep writing.

Scholarship / KGSP-Undergraduate Personal Statement; what introduced me to Korean culture and educational system [3]

HI Erin, I would like to share some insights on your essay.
First of all, you have a very strong sense of writing style, the thing that I like the most is that you regarded and expressed gratitude to the influence behind your goals, though it may not be a direct contact on becoming a member of the exchange program, you manage to cherish the lesson learned from a random conversation and this is a very good trait.

Moreover, your essay has a good work flow, the logical sequence of the events of your academic life has been clearly observed and this is will bring your essay up to a higher level.

Indeed you still have a lot of time for the submission of the KGSP scholarship and this can be a time where you can still revise the essay, while you're at it, mind the right forms and tenses of your verbs a this helps in completing the thought of the sentences and eventually, the entire paragraph. I hope this insights helps.

Scholarship / Aiming to be a Professional Translator, a Personal Statement to the AAS [7]

Hi Akbar, here's an additional insight to your essay.
First paragraphs first.

Please describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia?
- in short from my lecturers in
- whichwho ( which - is for non living things / who - is for living things such as people ) are the alumnis of AAS.
- during studyingtheir study
- and this has inspired me to study therefor AAS .
- offor the scholarship
- fair is still very limited.
- the courses offered courses in
- future aimsgoals as well.

There you have it Akbar, I hope the initial review above, helps in your revision and I will try to get back to you for the succeeding paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Ethnography Help for Anthropology- I wrote a Review and Need Help with Content and Editing [2]

Hi Jenny, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, we aim at providing you with the most comprehensive feedback you can get and more importantly to assist you in getting better at this craft.

Now, as I finish reading your review, I must say it is well written, you pretty much choose the right words in order for your ideas to transpire in the review and this in turn will provide readers the much needed information about the subject. Believe it or not, I don't normally read such long reviews in one sitting, however, your review has been an informative as well a very creative one and this makes a reader go through the whole essay just like watching a thriller movie where you have surprises in every corner.

I hope read more of your work in the future and keep up the good work, should you need further assistance, do let us know, Oh before I close this remark, for future reference, try to cut the essay into two is it is a bit long, this way you will not loose the interest of the readers.

Writing Feedback / Cognitive ability is inbred brought by parents' genetic. Intelligence is innate or can be improved? [2]

Hi Nurtria, after reading your essay, I must say that it is fairly written, you were able to answer the prompt. You also manage to showcase the ideas you have in order to be able to address the needed information for the prompt.

I can also see that you have received a very comprehensive remark from one of our EF contributors and I hope you follow through, the suggestions are elaborated in a way that is very helpful to your revision.

Moreover, I believe you still need a lot more practice in your writing, you have the idea and you just need to work on expressing them in your essay, I also like the fact that you have a well presented essay, there is not a lot of paragraphs, they are bold and kept to a minimum, this is keeping the presentation of the essay more formal and definitely clean.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree? [3]

Hi Maya, I would like to share some insights on your essay by adding a few remarks for the first 2 paragraphs of the essay.

- the promoting agent of violent caseviolence
- in the society,
- I believe to the statement that such
- programs have high potencypotential to

- The first is the main benefits
- fromof having a rough film.
- Firstly , one of the biggest
- is fear to the others
- and learn self-defens e.
- For the example,
- a fighting schemescene if
- to be brave, standing for
- They also can also increase
- awareness in our lives.
- Films such as
- Hunger Games teaches

There you have it Maya, I hope the corrections shared above help you in your essay revision. One thing that you have to be cautious about is your word forms, you have to make sure that the words you input in your sentences are the right words that depict the ideas that you are trying to convey in your readers.

Poetry / Ode to my Ran Away Dog - Mock Ode, English 12 Assignment [3]

Hi Ethan, below are my corrections to yoem

3rd stanza

But
WhyWhat if...

Last stanza

My ode, my belief

You will always missed themwill never bring back

Will b ecome everlasting memories

There you have it Ethan, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your essay, this is because, it is fairly written, though some of the words does not really rhyme with the previous one, but as you said, this is not your strong points, however, the best about you is that you still tried to pursue writing the poem, this shows your determination to be good at the craft and this is what matters most.

I hope to review more of your essays, poems and writing articles soon and I hope this remarks helped.

Research Papers / Check my translation about history of Vietnam - 1946 [2]

Hi Frankie, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I understand that this is your first time writing and posting here on EF and we hope that you find this website helpful and even more so, useful towards your writing.

Now, in this translation of the Vietnam history, I feel like the reader will be overwhelmed with the information that is presented in the essay, I believe the best way to go is to somehow, separate the essay, highlight the sequence of the information according to its facts. The thing is, writing the history of a country is always complicated, you have to make sure that the ideas presented are absolutely what happened, after all, its history and it is your writing that will matter. It is also very crucial because of the role that history plays in the country.

Overall, the essay is good it just needs a little more space and emphasis on the important information that matters. I hope this helps and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Scholarship / Assist a girl out, trying to get into dream school [2]

- As I prepare my filming equipment,
- woman, girls can look up to.
- stories, swirling

- to undertakingundertake professional
- expensive( no need to focus on the monetary value of the tuition, this is a given fact ) cost
- back from doing thatso .
- but cannot because they do not have $3,000however, I may not be able to do so without a scholarship grant .

Hi Sasha, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your essay.
Overall, it is a fairly written one, I may not be able to say, though, if this is the essay that will grant you the scholarship. Don't get me wrong it is a very creative essay, it is like reading a two way essay, like two people talking to each other. Overall, you have the skills in writing, no wonder you are pursuing films, a good film is backed by a good writer, always!

I wish you the best of luck and I hope to review, more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / The most noticeable change is the replacement of houses beside the West Park Secondary School [2]

Hi Anaguna, I hope to provide additional insights to your essay.

- havehas occurred at
- over a six decades period.
- of the houses
- besides the school
- and the science block.

- To begin with , in 1950,
- the area of the school
- was consistingconsisted of four parts
- it changed byand was replaced by the farmland
- InTowards the north of it ,
- there were car parks and the science
- area which is built by destroying the housinghouses .
- of the school existed

- of the parking area
- Finally, the car placepark is the largest area in 2010.

There you have it Anaguna, I hope the corrections provided above are useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Replacement of many houses and farmlands with several building facilities in the West Park School [2]

Hi Wiwik, here's additional insights towards your essay.

- that havehas occured
- facili ties of thesuch as a school such as, car park
- and a science block science .

- manythe changes that havehas occured
- to the public areaare focused to the students .
- building of a school.
- In addition to this, a sports field
- was constructed next to the playground.
- of the main road
- and its beside main

- been built in alongside
- ofthe left side
-with the western side of the school.
- the sports field
- south of the main building of the school

There you have it Wiwik, I hope the above corrections is useful to your revision.