Writing Feedback / The figure of travelling abroad by Japanese tourists and how many of them are coming to Australia [3]

The summary overview of your presentation should be at least 3 lines since there are several information points that need to be presented. Aside from the type of illustrations and indicated figures, your year coverage information must be supported by the type of measurements such as represented by the percentage coming to Australia and numbers travelling abroad. An example of a more appropriate summary overview is:

Two illustrations, a bar chart and line graph have been provided for comparison purposes. The bar graph indicates the number of Japanese tourists who travel in general, based in a million person count. The line graph supports the first measurement by focusing on the percentage of Japanese travelers that come to the country. both charts show an increasing measure for both types of data formats.

You need to be uniform when it comes to your paragraph presentation. While you do provide the equivalent of 4 paragraphs, your paragraphs need to be composed of sentence presentations numbering from 3-5 each. That is the formal requirement that can help you achieve the best possible scoring considerations overall.

What I see from your work is a potential to be able to write an analytical report essay that will be worthy of more than just a passing score in the future. With more practice, you will be able to do that. There are no real grammatical issues that would impede your achieving a decent C&C score, although the problems could lower the GRA score. The C&C score would be average for this type of work since your ideas per paragraph were clear to the reader. You tried to vary your word usage, which was a good attempt but next time, you should try to use simple words that are more appropriate for the sentence you are developing.

I am wondering though where you got the idea that the measurements were being done over a 20 year / 2 decade / per decade basis. I don't see an indication of that in the graph. Was it given as part of the instruction statement? If so, then good job!

Undergraduate / Let's take it easy. Despacitus — U-chicago extended essay [3]

Anna, the essay should focus on Despacitus first and foremost. Edit the essay to bring up paragraphs that refer to the spell immediately. Don't focus on the scene at the station as that is not the reason for writing this essay. A reviewer appreciates any essay that gets directly to the point from the very start because it gives him enough time to assess your essay based on required elements instead of having to look for the required elements in the essay. If I were you, I would open this essay by saying something like:

The craziness of the Shinjuku train station is one for the books. It is a place where chaos and mayhem reign supreme. It is the place where I wish I could cast an incantation to make time go by slower so that people don't look like they are always running after time. I would cast a "Despacitus" spell on everyone there to help them breathe and relax a little bit as they make their way to the station. Unlike the Latin spell...

By bringing attention to why the spell is necessary, what it is called, and what its effects should be, the reviewer immediately gets to know the most important information about the spell you have concocted. That is what you have to do. Give less importance to the set-up and back story and more attention to the reasons, effects, and outcomes of the spell.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - task 2 writing - the independent one - foreign language. [4]

Steven, this being your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay, I am not going to score it. I never do that with the first time writers because the first essay written to almost always get a failing score due to the writer's unfamiliarity with the Task 2 writing requirements. That is highly evident in your case.

For starters, you need to understand the required content of each paragraph in a Task 2 essay. The paragraphs should be written as follows:

Par. 1 - Prompt paraphrase, no reasons presented, just a simple response to the question being asked.
Par. 2 - First set of supporting reasons
Par. 3 - Second set of supporting reasons or example presentation
Par 4 - Additional reasons / examples (optional)
Par. 5 - Concluding summary

All of these paragraphs need to have a completely developed discussion using only 3-5 sentences each. That is the actual requirement for task accuracy, GRA, and coherence scoring presentations. Also, try to write no more than 275-300 words because you still need to have time to edit and revise your essay during the actual test. Remember that you will be writing using the pen and paper method so you will not be able to write such a detailed and long essay. Always use a timer when writing to help you determine exactly how many words you are capable of writing for each task, without creating an unfinished essay. Believe me, you won't be able to write 557 words during the actual test. So you have to get used to writing under time pressure to make sure you allot enough time for the completion of each writing task.

Your essay is very informative and really shows your understanding of the prompt topic. The problem, is that you are not yet familiar with the writing styles for Task 2 essays. That is why I am strongly suggesting that you read the various Task 2 essays available at this forum to help you become familiar with the writing style, the common writing problems for the tasks, and how it is easily resolved. As per your writing style here and with your other non IELTS related essays, I have a feeling that you will be on your way to scoring at least a 7.5 in no time.

Scholarship / Electronic Engineering: Personal Statement - PTDF Scholarship [5]

Mudiare, your choice of university is wanting in further development and description. You have to explain what your professional requirements are and how the university will respond to those needs. Don't generalize the discussion. Use specifics. For every professional need you have, explain how Newcastle responds to it directly. This is also the same problem that you have in the last paragraph. You create a sense of a template explanation of your plans. The way the paragraph is written, it is obvious that you got this information from somewhere else and merely used copy-paste to apply it to your essay. There is no sense that you have a personal interest in achieving these skills. You are just enumerating the job description, nothing more. Try to create a more personalized sense for these parts of the essay. You already have a strong explanation of why you want to become a scholar, thresh out the supporting reasons to make the essay as strong as possible.

Undergraduate / With which historical persona would you like to converse, and on which topic? [2]

Kathleen, revise this essay to suit the prompt. Pick one person and write a reasonably long essay to represent your reason for choosing that person. While the word maximum is 250, that is not your ultimate target. Your ultimate target is anywhere from 100-200 words. That is, if you do not have enough to say about the woman you have chosen to discuss for this topic. It appears that you tried to lengthen the essay to come closer to the maximum word count. The problem is that in the process, you created word fillers and deviated from the prompt instructions instead. Just go direct to your choice of Leymah Gbowee. While unknown to the reviewer, it appears that this person is of importance to your country historically. So focus the essay on that historical importance instead. Educate the reviewer. It will be appreciated because the reviewer will end up reading a unique and interesting essay that does not rely on familiar female trailblazers for a response.

Scholarship / Agriculture is the backbone of civilization. Stinpendium Hungaricum Scholarship; Motivation letter [3]

Ayoub, I feel like your interest in this field of study requires more of a foundational presentation in the essay. When you start the paragraph with "Growing up..." but you don't really explain when and how you were first exposed to this field and how it impacted you, the reference becomes less impactful in the presentation. I also feel like the quotation you are presenting does not increase the image you are providing for your motivation for this line of study. If you have to use other people's words to explain your motivation, then you aren't really that strongly motivated to study this course. The reviewer always best appreciates your own words in reference to your motivation. Using other people's word just isn't impressive enough for a motivational cover letter.

While most of your grammar is acceptable, you have to change the reference to "I am a person who prides themselves..." to "I am a person who takes pride in..." themselves is a plural reference which runs counter to the singular reference "I" in the sentence.

You do not really provide any example of academic or professional strength in this essay. There is nothing remarkable that would make the reviewer sit up and take notice of your application. The strongest reference you have is that annual forum where you worked with a group. With the lack of actual reference to the forum and a singular reference to your accomplishment during this time, it doesn't really fly as a strong reference to what makes you a good candidate for the program.

Your motivation is strong but it loses steam towards the end. Hopefully my advice can help you make the essay stronger.

Graduate / PS for Columbia University Master of Science in Data Science (Part-time); once dismissed from PhD [6]

Qin Qin, this is a very lengthy essay that combines information for your statement of purpose and a few details that can be used for a personal statement. If you want to create a more appropriate personal statement, then you will have to write a new essay that better addresses the requirements of that type of essay. For starters, you do not need to present an autobiography to the reviewer. You can start your introduction from the point where you first enrolled in an MS course then failed at it. In response to your second and third question, you must address those aspects in this essay to clarify to the reviewer that you are not a first timer when it comes to this course. You must also address the issue of your grades being a mix of courses that cover both the PhD and masters fields as that is not how American universities function with their graduate courses. With any luck, you might even course credits because you already took certain classes and passed those previously.

Try to address the issue of you getting dismissed from the program after the first year. Don't be melodramatic about it though. Just explain why you were dismissed and how you overcame it. Then include a reference as to how you plan to use that experience to become a better student this time around.

With regards to the part-time reference, if there is no difference in course load and requirements, I do not see any need to mention that at all. The student designation is not important in this instance. Although, you could refer to the choice of university as having a relation to the proximity of your workplace to the campus. That would be part of the university choice presentation towards the end of the essay.

Set aside this current version of your PS for possible revision into a SOP. That would be the better use for this piece of writing that you completed.

Undergraduate / Highly ranked programs - Why Syracuse Essay (250 max) [4]

Jenna, there is a lack of personal interest in your response. The information you present here could have been taken out of any brochure, website, or online review of the university. You need to explain why you chose the university based on 2 considerations, it's ability to meet your academic requirements and its potential to help you become an immediate participant in the workforce upon your graduation (also known as professional goals). From what I read in this essay, you gave non-responses to a direct question. Therefore, you need to make sure that you respond to the prompt based on a deeper understanding of what the university can offer you, in terms of educating you within your chosen major. Explanations about choosing the university based on the ranking, environment of the campus, and programs the university offers (without directly relating to a chosen major) weakens your response because it does not really explain why you chose the university beyond the obvious reasons.

Scholarship / Wireless Communications Engineering - motivation letter for scholarship [3]

Azzam, this motivational letter contains pertinent information that can help you explain your motivation to apply for the scholarship. However, I feel that you are only presenting the most obvious information in your presentation. You are presenting information directly in relation to your studies, but you are not giving the reviewer a real sense of the motivating factor for your studies. Will this have any real world application? Will it improve an existing system? Why do you believe that this is a subject that requires advanced studies? What motivates you to seek more academic learning in this field? Your presentation is perfunctory and lacks substance. You need to make the reviewer care about your motivation and develop an interest in your academic advancement. Right now, the essay is just a glorified resume that will not help your application. Try to increase your explanations in the letter. Show a true interest in your part that highlights your expectations regarding your course completion as part of the motivating factor.

Undergraduate / "Grandpa's cuisine" - without cooking, I would be incomplete. Common app essay [4]

The part about your grandfather dominates the essay. The essay you wrote is 75% about him and only 25% about you. That ratio has to change. You have to be the 80 % of this essay, with your grandfather filling only 10% of the reference. This is not an essay about your grandfather. The reviewer wants to get to know more about you, through your grandfather's cooking. That means, the last 3 paragraphs of your current essay should be reformatted to become the first 3 paragraphs of the revised version. From that revised presentation, your grandfather's influence can be integrated into the development of your character. The essay should be about your motivation to learn how to cook Chinese dishes, why you felt a need to learn how to cook (your grandfather's return to China), and why you are thankful for your grandfather's influence that helped you prepare for life as an adult. That would be the basis of your background, identity, interest, and talent.

Now. having said that. I believe that I would be remiss if I do not suggest that you change the prompt for your essay, based upon what you have written. I get a sense that once this essay is revised, it would be a better fit for the following prompt instead:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

I am making this suggestion based upon the references you made to a goal and the realizations and lessons that you had about yourself. How you came to understand more about life, thus giving you a new understanding of yourself and others, all because you learned how to cook. It just feels more appropriate, in my opinion, for the slant of your essay discussion.

Undergraduate / I've done nothing but read for the past two summers. - Princeton Supplemental [4]

Rodney, while the reference to manga is impressive in the sense that you show how you are a voracious reader of world literature, yes, manga is part of world literature, I do not believe that you can share this interest in the response and make an impact on a reviewer who will most likely not be into the manga reading culture. Instead, I would focus on further developing your participation in the bible camp and tutoring elementary school students. Try to do those representations within 75 words each to meet the maximum word requirement of 150.

The reason why I believe you should focus on those two aspects is simple. It allows you to not only explain what you have done over the past 2 summers, but it also allows you to include a discussion of a "summer job" for all intents and purposes, as a participant in the bible camp, church camp, and tutor for elementary school students. It doesn't matter if you did these activities unpaid, it is still considered a job because you attained some sort of training during these activities. So you can hit two birds with one stone in your presentation. Those will certainly be more impressive and relatable to the reviewer as opposed to your manga references.

Scholarship / Applying EuroPubHealth+ Erasmus Mundus - Master in public health field [2]

NInin, your motivational letter is strong and truly represents your strengths as a candidate in relation to your motivations for studying this course. However, there is a lack of chronological order in the presentation. You only need to better format this letter to make it easier to read and allow the reviewer to get to the important information without having to sort through secondary information. In this current form, your secondary information is front and center, with your motivation coming in towards the end. That is not the ideal presentation for this essay. You could rearrange the paragraphs in the following form to help the motivational letter flow better (in this specific order) : 1,5,3,4,6,2. All you will have to do at this point is create a better closing paragraph that reiterates your desire to complete this course by making a reference to a specific plan of action that you hope to implement as a part of the SDG goal. Something that sums up your motivating factors in relation to a specific career plan.

Graduate / A career change by developing in-depth expertise in data science and become a cloud data scientist. [4]

Wang, since you are going to be applying as a student interested in changing your career path, you need to show a clear progression in your statement of purpose that will indicate a direct relationship between your previous experience and Data Science. What is your purpose aside from a change in careers? What purpose did you gain from all the experience you were exposed to? What was the catalyst in your previous career, the one strongest reason you have, to believe that now is the time for you to change career paths?

There is no need to enumerate the course curriculum in this essay. That is, unless it somehow relates to classes you took as an undergraduate which can prove that you have the necessary foundation to easily learn and succeed as a student once you take these courses that you mentioned. It would help if you could indicate some academic achievements during your undergraduate years and professional awards or recognition at your current company that somehow relate to the development of your interest in Data Science. At the moment, your essay is extremely wordy, but the descriptions and information you are sharing does not help you to stand out as a candidate. Rethink your presentation. It does not have to be very long and informative. You need to have a medium length essay that contains impressive information. At the moment, your essay doesn't provide that.

Scholarship / Why I want to study Portuguese in Brazil [4]

Theodore, it appears that your essay is focused on the social aspect of the project. You are not predominantly touching on the military application of your language studies, which is the whole point of Project GO. Your interest in language development needs to have a central military application, particularly in the Air Force since that is your defense department choice. It is not right that you placed that discussion as the shortest paragraph at the end of the essay. Every paragraph you discuss must include an insight into a military application. How will learning about the Hispanic culture, through your study of Portuguese have a clear application in your military life? As a military officer, what makes the learning of Portuguese more important than learning Arabic or Kurdish? Why Portuguese when the United States has current military activities in Syria? Why not Kurmanji instead? These are languages with far greater military importance and application. Explaining why you believe that language learning should shift from the Middle East languages, then you will be able to develop a foundation for the importance of learning Portuguese.

Remember, you are being asked to explain how your participation in the project will impact the military and future military U.S. Military officer corps. So you have to include an explanation of the defensive importance of studying this language in relation. What is the military application? You said that there is a need for a collaboration between the two countries to keep peace and stability in South America. Explain that further. If you can prove a true and important military application for the language learning you have chosen, then your essay will be stronger and more competitive.

I find that the essay is lacking in the representation of what makes you a good candidate for the course. Other than attending a predominantly Hispanic school and your being a minority in the population, there is no strong and true reference to any character traits, skills, or accomplishments that could prove your worthiness as a scholar under this program.

Undergraduate / What is your role in your immediate family - GT Supplemental Essay [5]

Rodney, while I do not sense a disconnection between the first and second paragraphs because you established your role in the first paragraph while explaining your role in the second paragraph, what I find to be missing is the evidence of your impact on your siblings. The impact is one of the most important aspects of your response so you have to show how your sister was affected by your suggestion to listen to jazz rap.

What you have to do is explain the instance that led to your suggesting this method of anger management to your sister and how she has used it to avoid further altercations with the other sibling. Since you are 10 words over the limit, you will need to revise the whole essay to fix the problem. Try to shorten the explanation of your role as the "referee" and change the ending of the essay to reflect the positive impact the suggestion had on the "deathmatches" between your siblings instead.

Undergraduate / GEORGIA TECH World-Class resources, professors, and peers have attributed to my computing experience [3]

Rodney, you can lose the quote at the start of the essay and the comment from Omega. It doesn't help move your essay forward because (a.) the quote is telling the reviewer something he is all too familiar with regarding the university and (b.) he has no idea who Omega is so he doesn't care for his opinion about the university, even if it is a positive reference to the university. Hence, the reviewer could care less about this opinion and your interaction with this person.

Your essay picks up an interesting representation of your interest in the university within the last 2 paragraphs of the current essay. These are excellent references to reasons why you want to study your major at this university. You show that you have done your research and you are highly familiar with the student training and enhancement opportunities at the university that can help you pursue the perfect career for yourself upon graduation.

Now, without the first paragraph, your essay will come in at 192 words. With a 250 maximum presentation, the minimum word count is around 125 words. Your presentation, without editing and simply the removal of the first paragraph will present the reviewer with a concise presentation response to the prompt. It will be in the perfect format to assure you that the reviewer will finish reading your essay and that he will have a clear understanding of your reasons for choosing this university.

Writing Feedback / PROTECTION WILDLIFE POPULATION - What can we do to help? [3]

Han, the essay is asking you to discuss about wildlife. That does not include flora. Therefore, you should not be discussing the flora as a part of this essay. The focus is only on the free roaming animals and protected species that roam in the wilderness, forests, and swim in the seas. The addition of a topic may reduce your TA score because you moved away from the prompt required topic for discussion just a little bit. Next time, stay on point. To be sure you do not receive any deductions, discuss only the topic(s) indicated in the original prompt.

Your prompt paraphrase is too close to the original. Let me show you another way or presenting this information, without using any reference to the original prompt keywords and phrases at all:

The past half a century has seen a decline in the existence of the flora and fauna in the natural world across the globe. There are certain steps that can be taken to avoid the extinction of these beings. Some of the moves that people can make to protect these animals and plants are ...

Now, you are using a present voice in this essay. Therefore, "must lead to" must be presented as "could lead to". While these presentation errors are minimal on your part and do not diminish from the understanding of your work on the part of the reader, you must strive for grammatical accuracy at all times. It will help with your GRA and Coherence score.

You have written just the right number of words that will allow you time to edit, revise, and perfect your work before submitting for a score. You did a very good job of explaining yourself in this essay. You have, in other words, shown a great improvement in this presentation over your past essays. Good job! I look forward to seeing further improvement from you in the future.

Undergraduate / My passion is gaming - supplementary essay about extracurricular activity [4]

William, always make sure that your essay contains a positive tone and never deviates from the image that you wish to deliver to the reviewer. In this instance, I do not believe that indicating the negative opinion of egaming or esports as a part of this essay will be helpful. It removes the focus from the central "me" aspect of the essay and delves into the "us, we, community" presentation in a manner that is unrelated to the actual success that you encountered as a founder of the group. There is no need to discuss the difficulties because it is only the positive impact of your drive and determination to make your group a national name that matters. Try to remove the "we" references in the essay because the discussion asks about "YOU" and the impact of this experience upon you. The greatest learning outcome being that you have the ability to lead and develop an organization towards success.

Undergraduate / GIVING THE NECESSARY SERVICE TO MY OWN PLANET IS MY UNIVERSAL GOAL [3]

Supantha, you have explained the role that you played in the club, but you have not discussed what you learned in the process. Aside from an enumeration of club activities, you did not really portray any lesson learned during your time with the club. That is why I do not believe that this essay will be effective as a response to the prompt. You need an activity where you participated in a more significant way than just using your money to purchase something to help the club. You need to portray a deeper sense of participation where you actually managed to make a difference, which, through the course of your performance of your tasks, you learned something about either regarding yourself, the cause, or why this activity was of true importance to you. This is all about your personal experience while participating in the activity. It is not about listening to the lecture of a speaker. After you indicated that you would become one of the members who will work on the task indicated, you did not follow up on the discussion regarding your lesson learned during that period. At this point, you have 2 choices, either write a new essay with a new focus for the topic or, revise this essay to better reflect the required participation and learning on your part.

Undergraduate / The longer you stay in university, the dumber you get — Dartmouth extended essay [2]

Anna, don't kick off your essay with a quote from the Japanese philosopher. The prompt already gives you a quote to respond to. There is no sense in changing the discussion or basing the discussion on the professor's quotation because, your whole essay changed in discussion content. You were no longer discussing the quote from Donald Glover, you were discussing the quote from the philosopher. You will need to change your essay in totality. Focus on the quote provided, nothing more. Answer the question "I will be a unique person in the future. What kind of person will that be?" Think of who you want to be in the future. Someone different from who you are today and more interesting than the common people one would meet. The "Can you relate" part pertains to allowing you to think out of the box. Which of your multifarious personalities seems the most interesting to you? Discuss that in this essay. This is about learning more about your personality or hidden personality or talents. The topic for discussion is quite vast, but not related to the quotation from Shunsuke Tsurumi.

Undergraduate / I see myself at Dartmouth -Dartmouth supplement (100) [6]

Anna, try to develop a more focused response to the prompt. Pick only one of the choices being offered to you as a response so that you can clearly explain yourself to the reviewer. Right now, your response is all over the place and does not really impress upon the reviewer why you would feel at home at Dartmouth. You could revise the essay to focus on the latitude and climate of your hometown to create a better and more personal reason as to why you were drawn to the university.

If I were writing this essay, I would explain that, as a foreign student coming to a new country, I would opt to attend a university that has some sort of familiarity because it would help ease home sickness and allow me to better adapt to my environment. That is why the latitude and climate similarity is of the utmost importance to you. Describe the university campus and its environment as a place that will easily feel like home because of the familiarity with the climate. As a student, the similarity in location can help you study better because your body will not experience a psychological shock that comes with a sudden change in environment. At least for you, the change will be gradual and less shocking because of the similarities Hokkaido shares with the university

Undergraduate / Rigorous academia and study - What factors influenced your decision to apply to Barnard College? [3]

I do not agree that you should scrap the reference to Dr. Paula Tyler in the essay because you would not have heard about the college without her influence. Her mention is pivotal to this essay as she created the foundation for your interest in the university and eventually, helped to influence your decision to apply to Barnard. You could heighten the reference to her influence upon you by indicating what it was about you as a person that she felt would fit well at Barnard, then take off from there. After all, if you are not a "fit" for the university, then you cannot be influenced to apply to the university. Discuss some of the commonalities that Dr. Tyler felt would help you perform well as a student at Barnard. These will create the platform by which you began to be influenced to apply to Barnard.

If there is any part that I think you should cut out, it is the reference to your being unenthused at the idea of applying to Barnard and that you were unsure about applying to the school. Instead, show a vibrant interest in enrolling at the university after having a serious talk with Dr. Tyler that opened your eyes to the opportunities the university could offer you, which you could lose if you let the opportunity to apply for admission to Barnard pass.

Graduate / Personal Statement for KGSP (Graduate): Application to POSTECH [3]

Kristian, do not include cookie cutter information about the university. Your choice of university should not be based on rankings or reputation. Instead, your choice of university should be based on what you want to learn and why, based upon university comparisons, POSTECH is the best fit for your academic requirements. What made the university stand out in terms of consideration? I would focus my choice of university on the continuing research that was indicated in the paragraph. That way you show the reviewer a teaser of what your study plan might be and more importantly, the relationship of the KGSP to your educational requirements.

Your reason for studying in Korea is insufficient. You should discuss your reasons for choosing the country based on the current accomplishments of Korea in the field that you wish to study. What makes the Korean sector of industrial engineering one that you wish to learn from? What do you admire most about their industrial engineers and why? The social aspect should be the last consideration for your reason to study in Korea. You can integrate your experience among Koreans with your admiration for their work ethic and quality of education instead.

Graduate / Essay for MS MIS for a student of Electronics Engineering background [3]

Mihir, you may want to further discuss your academic goals in relation to the university choice. Be a little bit more specific as to the courses that align with your academic interests. Explain how these academic interests will help to strengthen your future career advancement. A statement of purpose needs to be more than just about your experience, of which you have many ( and should consider limiting to only the most important and impressive to allow for other focus development), it needs to provide the reviewer with an insight into your academic requirements in relation to your professional success in the future.

Clarify your presentation in paragraph 5. Is that a professional or academic undertaking? It sounds like it is academic so rather than tenure, you should indicate your "time as a student" instead. You should omit any unaccomplished projects because the ideas you present will not improve your image. Stick with presenting completed projects and undertakings only.

Undergraduate / How my name inspired me to create my own identity - Common App Essay [5]

Your suggested changes seem to be fine once reviewed on its own. Whether it works or not with the overall paragraph and essay presentation is another thing. You have to make sure that yo can incorporate those changes seamlessly into the existing essay presentation. You must always be aware that even minor changes to the wording can have an overall effect on your essay presentation. Test it out first with the original essay format. If the replacement parts work well and does not come across as awkward to read, nor does it change the meaning you wish to imply in the paragraph, then the changes should be fine. I cannot really tell you if it will specifically work or not until I read the revised version of the essay. Although, I think that you can judge whether the changes work or not for yourself since you are the one writing the essay.

Undergraduate / I began to serve in the Hope House - UBC 'activities' essay [3]

Paul, you should revise the essay to include the name of the person who will be interviewed at Hope House to verify your claims. Adjust the essay to include a brief description of who that person is, what his position is at the Hope House, and how working with him helped you better deal with the 2 boys who were assigned to you. That way you can clearly show that you had a long learning process and had to overcome certain difficulties in dealing with the boys before they became open enough to let you into their lives. It is important to mention the person because he will be asked to verify your claims so the depth of your relationship with your referee should be implied in this essay also. Overall, the essay is strong in terms of the role you played and what you learned so you don't have to worry about that part. Just try to develop the referee portion for now. Removing the first sentence in the presentation would be a good idea because the focus of the essay should immediately be on the activity instead of a long introduction to it. Focus on the important aspects. You have the word count with which to do that anyway.

Scholarship / I decided to take one step ahead. Motivations with which you apply for the KGSP program [2]

Nur, this is not a motivational paper. You have not written anything in this essay that signifies a clear reason to wish to study linguistics in Korea. What you have written is a personal statement that indicates the development of your interest in Linguistics, which is not the same as a motivation for wishing to apply for a scholarship to study this course in Korea. The motivation should come from your desire to either promote the Korean language in your country, or vice versa. You should also be indicating why you believe that Korea has a language study program that could motivate you to do well. What is the academic motivation on your part? What is the professional motivation? This essay can be written in 2 paragraphs if you focus on the academic and professional motivation, which you are not focusing on at all in this version of the essay.

Letters / Although you have never formally studied computing, you have always been interested in computers. [3]

Tania, you should open this letter not with a short resume, but rather a statement of interest in the intermediate computer course that is being offered. Offer an idea as to why you are interested in this class such as its application in your workplace. Then introduce the fact that you do not have the prerequisite basic computer training, but that you have practical training in the area.

The second paragraph should explain how you gained this practical training in your workplace. That is where you should introduce your undergraduate major and your current occupation, both in relation to the basic computer usage as required by the course. Indicate how you have the basic training due to certain job requirements and duties.

By the way, you are not going to give a mock exam. A mock exam is a pretend exam, it does not count for anything when you take it except as a practice run. What you are willing to take is an equivalency exam. That is the exam that will prove your claims of practical expertise as a computer beginner.

Overall, you did a relatively acceptable job of writing this letter. Except that you made a number of mistakes along the way due to your unfamiliarity with this sort of letter writing. I am sure my pointers will help you write a better letter next time. I look forward to reading your next attempt.

Writing Feedback / Asking citizens to do military service or some social work - is it a good idea? Essay for Toefl exam [3]

Sara, this essay will automatically receive a failing score due to its inability to respond to the prompt requirements. You are being asked to defend one opinion only. This is because the questions asks whether you agree or disagree with the statement provided. Therefore, the corresponding reasoning paragraphs must only contain the defense and supporting reasons for your opinion. In your prompt restatement, you only provided the central discussion point but did not offer a personal opinion. Hence your failure to properly address the task. Once you show that you did not understand the task requirement, you will receive the lowest possible score for that the TA section of the test, which is more than half the grade requirement to pass this test. Therefore, the total error in the discussion presentation, along with other failures on your part on the GRA, LR, as well as C&C score will result in a total failure of this essay when it comes to an actual test setting.

Scholarship / Dedication and spirit - Global UGRAD program will be a great opportunity and new wonderful challenge [3]

Saad, your first paragraph makes the Global Ugrad program sound like you view it as an all expenses paid trip the United States, an ambition from your childhood rather than the more proper "academically challenging semester abroad that helps to widen a student's horizons through a sponsored educational exposure in the United States". You do not want the reviewer to read that first line. It distracts from the overall essay and delivers a negative first impression of you as an applicant. If I were you, I would remove that whole paragraph, no I would delete this whole essay and start over. Your overall essay really runs counter the expectations of the scholarship applicants. Everything you are saying is the exact opposite of what the reviewer expects to read and if you submit this essay, your chances of winning the sponsored study abroad scholarship will be weak to non-existent.

Please review the other Global Ugrad essays available at this forum so that you will get a better idea of what the program is looking for in its applicants. It is most definitely not looking for what you have been presenting in this essay. Learn from the other applicants and approach your revised essay writing from the same mindset and perspective. That should help you create a more appropriate essay for the reviewer to consider.

Undergraduate / 'Topology sequence' - Ut Austin Undergraduate Transfer Essay A: Statement of Purpose [2]

Jordan, your story of dropout to mathematician is interesting and fun to read. However, aside from becoming a grad student in Topology, you do not seem to have any solid purpose for your line of study. Now, since you cannot become a professional student, even though that is sometimes referred to as a scholar's dream occupation, that should not be your only goal in this instance. Aside from your academic goal, try to present a professional goal to the reviewer to balance out your love of the study of math with a proper career goal that will help you promote your love of math to others. What your professional goals should be, I will leave up to you to develop. After all, the statement of purpose primarily focuses on the combination of your academic goals in relation to a professional application. So after your undergrad studies, but before your grad studies, tell the reviewer what sort of career you hope to have in between to help you hone your skills and sharpen your talents in the field. That way your SOP will come full circle in terms of presentation requirements.

Undergraduate / Justice for the Silenced Ryerson Undergraduate Journalism Entrance Essay [2]

Samreen, what is the word limit on this essay? The reason I ask is because I feel like your discussion presentation is insufficient. The first paragraph regarding injustice does not create a foundation for your interest in journalism. It merely explains your definition of injustice. With regards to the article, you did a wonderful job of summarizing the piece, but without justification as to why the impact of this piece on you was such that you decided to become a journalist. There are a few questions you can respond to which could help indicate the reason that this article made an impact on you. Questions such as:

1. What struck you the most about this article? Refer to a quotation that you feel made you feel the plight of the children in the article and explain why it resonated with you.

2. As a future journalist, what was it about the writer of this piece that drew you to it? What was is about the writer that told you this was an article worth reading?

3. As an amateur journalist, explain why you look up to the writer of this article and why you feel that this article is a timely piece of writing.

4. As a journalist inspired by this writer and article, what sort of articles do you hope to write about in the future stemming from the impact of this article and writer on your desire to become a journalist?

Undergraduate / What do you want the readers of your application to know about you? [2]

Fuzi, I do not feel that the prompt you chose is appropriate for the essay that you wrote. I am mostly not convinced that this is the right prompt choice for you because you are being asked to speak of only one event, realization, or accomplishment. You were supposed to pick one of the 3 to discuss in the essay. That is why the focus of this essay seems to be all over the place, without a real focal point. I believe that your essay would be better suited to the following prompt instead:

The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

From the way that I read the essay, I clearly saw that you had to overcome an obstacle in the course of your life. The obstacle was yourself and your lack of belief in your own abilities. This is why you faced several setbacks and failures throughout most of your academic life. However, you learned how to overcome your obstacle by challenging yourself and thus, allowing you to learn several lessons over time. This is, I feel, the perfect prompt for the essay that you wrote. I hope you consider my suggestion.

Undergraduate / Adaptation and switching schools - Tell us about circumstance that has challenged you [2]

Angela, the essay you present is a bit boring to read. It is one dimensional and does not indicate any special information about you. In fact, the topic you chose to discuss will be discussed by a majority of the applicants to this university. This is the most common, go-to, story of choice for most students. Therefore, it does not make you stand out in any way.

Your experience is so commonplace that the reviewer will most likely be bored and tired of the topic by the time he reads your essay, which he will simply skim over as part of the review process. Unless you can find a way to make your essay more unique in presentation, offer a more interesting topic for discussion, and a more interesting take on your personality development, you will not be able to come up with an essay that will hold the attention of the reviewer, thus making it memorable in the process.

My suggestion is for you to try and think of a topic that is out of the box and interesting. Don't aim for the common topics and reasons, Think of something that should come across as unique and interesting which the reviewer might decide to take note of.

Undergraduate / Rice University Perspective Essay: Cultural awareness and taking initiative [2]

@hillknee713 The true time when a student has to deal with unique life experiences and its consequences, lack thereof, or interesting activities that helped shape you as a person don't normally occur till high school. When the two personalities, that of the child and that of the young adult begin to battle it out in the consciousness of the student. In fact, the story that you tell from your 5 year old perspective sounds more like it should have been more of the case when you were in high school. Changing the age reference point should help to make your claims in that paragraph more believable as being a 5 year old with such a vast experience, that you remember so vividly could be taken as an exaggeration by the reviewer. So let's just bring the recollection a little closer to a more believable age. Adjust the year reference in the next paragraph accordingly for uniformity and believable reasons. Just to err on the side of caution. The rest of your presentation is acceptable at this point.

Undergraduate / How my name inspired me to create my own identity - Common App Essay [5]

It would be better if you go for the open topic prompt with this essay because it does not align itself, in terms of content, with the requirements of the prompt you have chosen. You have not really delivered an idea that you have come to a better understanding of yourself and of others in this instance. In fact, you even showed yourself to be just as judgemental based on how you viewed the physical appearance of Wilbur Wright in the essay. That is most certainly not a realization or understanding of yourself or others.

However, since this is still an interesting essay to speak of, I would like you to still use it with your application, with the open topic prompt. Why? Well, the history of your name is unique and the experiences you have had because of it are interesting to read as well. In fact, the opening sentences of this essay make for an interesting introduction and contain a reference to the possible prompt topic of the essay. So you can keep the whole essay intact for the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Describe the trend of three diffrent type of domestic access to modern technology [4]

Loc, you have written the minimum number of words for this essay but you have only written 2 run on sentences per paragraph and you have also not met the 4 paragraph requirement for this essay. Your summary overview is incomplete, you do not properly identify the figure you were given to review even though the type of image was already provided to you in the instructions, and you lack a proper comparison of overlapping points within the essay. These are but some of the major problems in your presentation that would bring your scoring consideration down in the end.

The summary overview should have been presented as follows:

A line graph has been provided for comparison purposes. The graph contains the percentage of home based access to new gadgets in UK homes. These gadgets include a CD player, mobile phone, home computer, and finally, internet access. The comparisons are done on a year on year basis starting in 1996 up tp 2003. There is an upward trend in the access of all 4 gadgets from the home.

Please note that the summary overview includes a summary of all the required information, which also serves as the outline for your discussion in the essay. Having outlined the paper in this manner, a proper paragraph of at least 3 sentences (the minimum requirement) would have been met. The overlapping information regarding mobile and home computer access would have increased your TA score as you would have been able to present the proper comparison point as indicated in the essay.

Overall, not a bad start, Simple improvements are required which you can accomplish based upon my evaluation above. Keep practicing. I am sure you will get better over time. I look forward to reading your next essay.

Writing Feedback / Vehicle-free days in an urban center : do the advantages outweigh disadvantages? - IELTS task 2 [4]

Huyen, believe me when I tell you that this essay is extremely long for a Task 2 test. If you use a timer, you will see that you cannot accomplish more than 275-300 words within the allotted time frame, without losing valuable time for editing. You are also creating an unnecessary amount of run on sentences in your paragraphs, which created this extra long, but necessarily well written essay. There are several problems in your presentation that can affect your final score.

The use of contractions such as "don't" are not allowed in academic writing. In order to show your knowledge of sentence structure and English grammar rules, use the formal presentation words such as "does not". The same goes for "aren't" which should be "are not".

Now, the essay asks the question "To what extent..." Therefore, you cannot simply say "From my point of view..." Rather, the correct response, which requires a degree of measurement is "I fully support the idea that this practice has more positive contributions than negative". Remember to use paraphrasing all the way with synonym usage a big part of your LR and TA scoring.

This is only a 4 paragraph essay that should be presented solely from your point of view based on a single opinion / comparison discussion. The "some people" discussion is out of place since this is not a 5 paragraph dual point of view with personal opinion essay.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus : GLOCAL Programme Global History and Creative Cities Pathway [5]

Fulvia, you will not be able to use this essay that you wrote because it does not directly respond to the prompt requirements. Your motivation for the GLOCAL program does not tie in with your previous studies, thus showing a career progression and continued educational achievement. The history of creative industries should not be included in this essay unless it is as a part of your academic and professional goals, both of which need to be stated as a part of your motivation for further studies.

You have also neglected to prove that you have completed specific undergraduate courses that have a direct application to the course requirements of your chosen masters program. Though you gave a detailed explanation of your undergraduate course and achievements, all that is really required is a reference to connected subjects of study from your undergrad to masters degree interests.

Please remove the name of Mr. Vincent Guerend since he is not writing you a recommendation letter. Try to simplify the presentation as well for this paragraph as it runs too long and should be shortened for the benefit of the reader. Focus only on your participation and less on the overall aspect of the conferences. A simple overview will suffice.

You have to revise the essay for content and word count so that you can properly discuss your masters thesis topic as indicated by the prompt. You do not mention it at all in this essay and yet you were able to formulate an unnecessary post study plan at the end of the essay. Remove the post study plan and focus on the explanation of your thesis focus instead.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC: what can be done to encourage young people to become responsible members of society [2]

Chin, for starters, it would be best if you learn how to paraphrase the original prompt rather than simply placing the full prompt in quotation marks. If you prove that you can restate the prompt in your own words, then you can prove that you have applicable English comprehension skills and enough of a vocabulary to allow yourself to express ideas in different ways.

Now the overall problem that I see with this essay is that you are not offering ways by which adolescent and young adults can be enticed to become young members of society. Instead, you are telling the reader who the people responsible for creating mature young people are. The essay is not about enumerating the responsibilities of parents and teachers when it comes to encouraging responsible behaviors. Rather, the essay is asking you to indicate how young people can be encouraged to responsibly participate in society.

The methods why which the youngsters can be encouraged could be anywhere from encouraging them to make their own decisions and guiding them towards the right decision, allowing adolescents to learn from their mistakes, etc. Through these actions, a young adult is made to analyze his decisions and its aftermath, be it good or bad. In the process, they learn to become responsible members of society.

Before you write an essay, analyze the requirements first. Make sure you understand what is required of your discussion and present it accordingly. If you are enrolled in a class, then ask the teacher questions. If you are studying alone, then look at how the essay has been written by others online before you write your own response. That way you have a better idea of what to present and also, gain valuable writing advice based on the lessons of others for application in your own. That will result in a better written essay on your part.