Writing Feedback / 'culture of conserve'; company should give money to support the arts [8]

Well, you use many inappropriate words in your sentences that completely destroy your ideas and the flow of your writing. For example;


... this is very confusing. We cannot have any kind of guess about what you are trying to say. Do not have big words in your sentences if you do not know when and where they are used in sentences. Also, you need to pay lots of attention to your grammar. Start with simple sentences and first have your grammar in place. Then move on to more advance sentence structures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Adult educational survey report [15]

First, your diagram is too small and it is not at all readable for a blind person like me :D

The charts depictpresent the findingsa report of an educational survey in terms of why theydo students study and whether the share ofhow does the educational fee should beis shared.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children to learn about money via parents - educate about the significance of money [10]

It's ok to exceed the word limit :) The only issue is about time. My suggestion is to move from para to para with the rough draft (you can do this at the exam too) For example;

1st attempt;
1. Intro - start with the background which is only a matter of paraphrasing the prompt. Then your opinion
2. First reason
3 Second reason
4 Conclusion (have a standard way of doing this. That helps you save time)

Obviously now you have more time. Go to;
2. Add the example to body para 1
3. Add the example to body para 2

If you have some more time;
1. Add a hook to the intro
Expand on body paras

I don't know this tip would work with you .... It worked well with me and I got 29/30 at TOEFL for Writing :)

Writing Feedback / not to separate influence of parents & school on child; useful member of society [7]

It's good if you included the prompt in this thread so that we know exactly what it expects from you and we can align our comments more with the task requirements :)

How to cultivate children into a good members of society? From some individuals' perspective, parents play an important role in teaching their offspring in daily life.to be so. While the others hold the opinion that school should take theobligationthat responsibility to make each child a useful people in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; electricity volume for two major seasons in UK [2]

First, a few admin requests :)
1. Have a more meaningful title for your essay. This one has been attended by us. This is not just a forum rule, but it helps you earn more meaningful feedbacks. Then open all IELTS related threads in Writing Feedback forum.

The graphs comparepresent the details of changes in the electricity volume for two major seasons and the proportion of electric energy consumed by the British for four different reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children to learn about money via parents - educate about the significance of money [10]

Hey ...sorry about my previous comment... I didn't notice you are a senior hand ... I may have provided you that structure in my earlier comments too and sorry about repeating the same. I know you have a good understanding about it. My comment has been actually an oversight and I'm really sorry about that. Overall, it's very well written. My only worry is that whether you were able to manage time for that? Seems a bit lengthy :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT: Women in Navy or Air Forces - should not be allowed; instead: career, children [5]

Your essay seems to be pretty long ... Have you been able to manage time for this? .... Since time is a major constraint for this task, I suggest the following approach for you to follow a better essay structure.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'my rest time' - Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [6]

Well, your essay is structured very differently to the one that helps you earn a good score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people like to do only what they already do well. [10]


Yes, this needs structural improvements. Follow what Pahan has suggested above.


This body para does not contain any specific example :(

Writing Feedback / 'dissatisfaction with the house' ; IELTS TASK 1 [14]


Well, I don't think so :)
You've got great comments from both Pahan and duo008. Pay attention to the points they've mentioned. Your English writing skills are not bad, however, you need to get hold of the structure. Here are a few things you need to do ;

1. Identify the type of letter
2. Open and close the letter correctly.
3. Open a formal and semi-formal letter with a formal sentence.
4. Open an informal letter with a general, friendly paragraph.
5. Identify the main purpose of the letter.
6. Learn and use standard written phrases.
7. Make sure you write at least 150 words
8. Learn the correct spelling of commonly used words.
9. Stay on topic.
10. Include all three bulleted points.
Here's a link for more details - goodluckielts.com/IELTS-letter-writing-tips.html

Undergraduate / MIT essay, Boston; 'I do volunteering job in Boston with Arabs for Altruism' [9]

Every weekend I do a volunteering job in Boston with Arabs for Altruism. Our job is helping others,the homeless or serving food with the famous organizations like Boston homeless shelter and Boston Food Bank. Also, I work with Academia which is ana voluntary organization to help Saudi students to get accepted to study in the USA and it is free .

Writing Feedback / 'Today 's children are tomorrow's citizen' - good members of SOCIETY [5]

'Today 's children are tomorrow's citizen' and it is very important to guide them in a proper way to become a law_abidinglawful individual intothe society. someSome people think that it is the duty of the parents to teach them to be good members in society, while others are of the opinion that it is the responsibility of the schools.This essay intends to analyze both sides of this issue in detail.

Writing Feedback / Television should have only shows and entertainment programs? [7]

First, there are a few admin requests - Have a meaningful title (complete title) in the Subject field when you open a new thread. It is better if you could include the task like IELTS, TOEFL,GRE etc. in the title itself so that others could provide you with more meaningful feedbacks that are more aligned with your task requirements. Finally, you should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. You title has been attended by us and the essay has been moved from Scholarship essays to Writing Feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people commiting serious crimes should be punished as adults [9]


... Well, I find lots of students have this issue of replacing words :D

You can say "youth", young people
adults, grown up people, elders
But, be careful when using synonyms. Do not use them if they are not appropriate to convey your idea. Choose the most appropriate word and use it to deliver your idea. Clarity is the most important aspect in writing. Be mindful about that :)

Writing Feedback / Article: "What do you want to when you grow up?" medical student [5]

"What do you want to do when you grow up?" When I ask this question to from people I get a variety ofvarious responses. For example some people say that they don't knoware not sure , some otherswhile others say that they want to be engineers, police officers, etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is social skill as important as good qualification? give your reasons. [19]

It is good if you included the prompt in this thread because then we would have a better understanding about what it really requires from you and provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Start doing it with your next thread.


I feel your intro needs more expansion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: CHALLENGE - some people are attracted to dangerous sports/ activities [5]


Wrong grammar :(
Some people are interested in doing things that are more adventurous and sometimes such activities can even be dangerous.

Writing Feedback / Controversial: Teenagers are working while they are still students [4]

On the one hand, I think that it will give theirthem many benefits.


First of all, they would develop time management skills which would be very helpful for them in their adult life


... this sentence is very confusing. I think you should remove it from this para. You need to pay more attention to your grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people commiting serious crimes should be punished as adults [9]

Hey, I want to give a you a small, but helpful tip for this writing task. Always leave a blank line between your paras. It helps us understand the paras, for example intro, body paras etc. better. When you have everything in one bunch, it is not so presentable and you would not be able to make a good impression to your examiner. Remember, you need to keep the guy in a good mood to score good marks :D LOL

Writing Feedback / WHAT SHOULD YOU CONSIDER TO SET A NEW BUSINESS ? [4]


Yes, it is important to tell us the purpose of writing such as TOEFL, IELTS, GRE, CLASS ASSIGNMENT, Speech Writing and so on because our feedbacks would then be more meaningful and aligned with your task requirements. Mention the purpose in the essay title itself. Also , select the most appropriate forum when you are opening a new thread. These are not just forum rules but they help you earn better feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: unemployment rate comparaison between US and Japan mar.93-mar.99 [5]


... the chart does not compare, but you do compare. The chart only presents trends ;

The line chart presents the details of unemployment rates of the US and Japan during the period of 1993 to 1999.
It is important that you mention the time periods if any such periods are involved with the graphical presentation. It should be mentioned in the introduction itself.

Overall, the US unemployement israte has decreased over the years, while the japanese lineunemployment rate has increasedis globally increasing.

Writing Feedback / Dormitory rooms shared by two students. Choice of room should be allowed. [6]

You need to pay attention to grammar because you tend to make some minor grammar errors;

University is thean important part of a students' life. It plays a significant role in our education by providing us many things like teachers to guide usinteractions with professors , library to study,dormitory to live .Some people believe that university should assignlet student to share a room while others say that students should be given a chance to choose roommate themselves.In my view,students should get a chance to select roommate for several reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prediction of world population growth - 4000 millions of people in 2040. [9]

Dear Mowonight,
Well, Pahan has given a guideline for the best structure you can think of for this task. According to that approach, you have write an overview that presents the main trends (without any detail or data). And then eddies has provided you with a very good example that follows what Pahan has suggested in the structure he proposed. Do you still have any confusions?

Writing Feedback / Toefl - teacher evaluation; students can learn more [3]


I totally agree with Pahan. Alignment between your writing and the prompt is a mandatory requirement for this task. Better the alignment, the more you would score.

In my view, schools should give chance for students to judgeassess their teachers for several reasons.


Sounds a bit incomplete :(
One of the important reasons for why students should be allowed to evaluate teachers is that it helps students improve their teachers' quality of teaching.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people enjoy change, new experiences. Changing our habits is making us better [7]


This is too short dear :( You need to have at least two paras that justify your position and convince the reader with supporting examples. Follow the approach suggested by Pahan above.

Writing Feedback / conventional medicine, is it safe or not? [4]

Good intro :)


Well, you don't have to repeat this again and again. Straight tell the reader your reason and then support it with a specific example.

Good suggestions by eddies :)

Overall, this is a good essay and you follow a good structure too :)

Writing Feedback / 'dissatisfaction with the house' ; IELTS TASK 1 [14]

First, a small admin request - You should open all IELTS related threads in Writing Feedback forum. This has been moved from the Graduate Essays to Writing Feedback.


Don't start a letter with a negative sentiment. Tell something positive and then slowly turn to the negative aspects :)

I am very pleased to receive your letter offering me the post of ????????. I am so thankful to you for being so considerate about me and having such confidence in me

However, I am compelled to decline your offer due to a few serious concerns on my part.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: languages die out annually. The greatest victims: history and culture [3]

Nowadays, there is an enormous quantity ofare many languages existing in the world.


...nowadays, many languages are dying off and that is what your prompt suggests too. In ancient times too there were so many languages, perhaps there were more than today. Be careful when you generalize statements :(

Letters / IELTS test: newspaper letter - "best neighbor in the area" competition. [8]


I am writing this letter with reference to the competition organized by your news paper, "Best Neighbour In The Area"


I am a resident in (tell your area of residency) and I have been living in this neighborhood for ????? years. I wish to recommend my immediate neighbor Mr Robert to win this title because I have a strong belief that he would be the most suitable candidate for the same.

Writing Feedback / 'we gather in living room and talk about daily activities' - most important room [4]

What is the purpose of writing this essay? Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? Or is this a Common App question? It is not clear for us to understand for which purpose you wrote this :(

Better mention the purpose so that we would be able to provide you with more meaningful feed backs , I mean more task relevant.

The houseHouse plays a significant effectrole in our existence.lives. ... or;
The house where we live has a significant influence on our lives.

Essays / BULLYING IS A CRIME AND HITS HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER [4]


Do some research to find facts for the topic. Google would be a great source for that. Then follow the normal essay structure - Introduction, Body paras and Conclusion for this essay too. Support your reasoning with good examples. (Google and find out some case studies) This is a very good topic and you can easily come up with a great essay :)

Do your draft and post it here for our feed backs :)

Undergraduate / Study Abroad Essay- Study Statement; As a person of French descent... [4]


My major being International Relations, studying abroad would provide many benefits both academically and personally.


Especially, studying in France would definitely broaden my perspectives while enriching my academic program.


I will be given great opportunities to learn French language while being able to gain a rich exposure to French culture.

Writing Feedback / 'various viewpoints' Extreme sports should be banned or not? [5]


In your prompt it says "extreme sports" and you replace the word "extreme" with "ultimate" which is not quite appropriate :( This is the danger in using synonyms;

Here are 3 definitions for the word "ultimate";
1. being or happening at the end of a process; final. - "their ultimate aim was to force his resignation"
2. being the best or most extreme example of its kind. - "the ultimate accolade"
3. the best achievable or imaginable of its kind. - "the ultimate in decorative luxury"
So, none of these definitions do not give the idea of extreme sports.

Writing Feedback / Commonly understood; Game are as important for adults as they are for children. [6]


Yes, actually the most important part in the intro is the background. It is the skeleton and other parts, hook and the opinion, add flesh on it to make your intro more beautiful and interesting. So, you need to introduce the background of the issues very clearly to the reader. It is also the easiest part in the intro because you can introduce the topic by merely paraphrasing your prompt. Here I want to stress the point that paraphrasing the prompt does not mean that you've got to change every word with a synonym which can be very risky thing to do. Try to present your background in a different sentence structure :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prediction of world population growth - 4000 millions of people in 2040. [9]

It seems you write very well. You also have followed the most appropriate structure for this task as suggested by Pahan above. The point that Pahan has stressed in his comment is worth considering. Your overview should be shorter with major observations and trends (shorter the better), but your body paras with details need to be more informative with the support of data and statistics.

Overall, good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Japanese tourists in Australia - numbers went from 0% to 6% [5]


Ok :D
Then leave a blank line in between those sections - I mean , Intro, Overview and the Body paras with details. :)


Why I didn't find this as an overview is because in the overview you do not give data. It is the most obvious trends and observations of the graph. So, the above cannot be considered as an overview. Pay attention to the description of an overview;


Hope you got my point now :)

Writing Feedback / money as a cause of happiness; the important necessity in human life [5]

You follow the appropriate structure to some extent but by the end of the para, you lose that alignment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why students should have laptop in their learning process? Wikipedia, Google, Bing [5]

I guess I have already provided you a guideline structure to construct your intro. Hope you'd pay more attention to that :)
Let's attend to other issues with your intro;
Most of students think that laptop is the first thing that should they have to help their learning process studies at formal educations or non-formal educations. They should have a laptop even they live in cloistered ????? (sounds inappropriate at this point) villages if they take on learning process, but not all of do them have enough financial to buy it. So, how they can be finishing their duty if to finish it needs laptop? Well, if they do not have laptop to be finishing their duty needs laptop they can go to warnet or they can borrow it with their friends.

Pay more attention to clarity of your ideas. Do not cramp your sentences unnecessarily with too many big words :(

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Teachers encouraging students to question everything 'for our knowledge, o [9]

Well, it seems you can write well and also you have good ideas. However, I'd like to suggest you an approach for constructing your intro;

Have these three parts in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Travel within a group with guide? 'we do not enjoy the traveling, can't go everywhere' [8]


You still have not introduced your issue topic to the reader. So, do not open your essay with your opinion because it is too early for the reader to conceive that your opinion is justifiable.