Scholarship / Chevening career plan essay, my journey to become future urban researcher [4]

Naseer, you mentioned that the UK has a civic project in your country that is currently ongoing. Then you did not mention it again in the essay. You have to mention something about how you will cooperate with that organization in the future because that is a major project that can help promote Chevening and its programs in your country. It will attract publicity to the scholarship grant and also, allow you give back to the country that will have played host to you for one year as a scholar in one of their prestigious universities. So aside from discussing the plans you have to present that study at the conference, you need to work with the CCPA in some way as well and explain how you plan to do that. It isn't enough to just mention the existing project, you need to maintain that you will cooperate with that project in a specific manner and when you plan to do it.

As for your plans upon returning to your home country, you immediately focused on the conference, but you never mentioned in what capacity you will be participating in it. Are you going to be representing your own company? If yes, then indicate that. If not, then explain how you plan to become employed first, then mention the conference second.

Since the presentation that you are making will be in one month's time, you should not be presenting that in a post study plan essay. The post study plans are for the time after you have completed the one year masters course. If you made a mistake with the year indicator, then simply correct the year in order to make the conference properly dated.

I am not sure why you are mentioning your thesis work in this essay. If this is a post study plan, then the thesis does not belong in this discussion. That belongs in the Study Plan or the 3 university choice essay. Are you getting confused again? Are you mixing up the prompts in your essay again? Double check the prompt you are responding to and then revise the essay to suit the proper prompt requirements. Don't get confused. Presenting improper information in your essays is the best way to tank your application. Don't do that. Give yourself a chance at the application by properly responding to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Use of animals for testing medicines is cruel or not ? [3]

JaYy, even though the construction of your opening paraphrase is a bit faulty, I was able to understand what you were trying to say. The grammar and sentence structure is definitely a problem throughout the essay but somehow, you got lucky and most of your sentences were understandable, with minimal stress posed on the reader. So that will be good for your score in the GRA section. It will however, pose a lower scoring consideration for you in the LR and C&C considerations.

When you write the opening paraphrase, please do not forget to include the discussion instruction in the final sentence of your paragraph. It should indicate the discussion method to be performed in order to boost your TA score. So in this instance, you should have had a final sentence that read:

In this essay, I will discuss the points of view in support of and against animal testing. I will also provide my opinion in the later part of the discussion.

By the way, the most stressful part of your essay, as I read it, was the unclear final sentence in your first paragraph. I am not really sure what its purpose is and what it is meant to accomplish.

Your discussion would probably have benefited more if you had tried to discuss only one supporting and one contradicting reason in separate paragraphs. That way you could have better explained your line of reasoning and also provided a clearer discussion pattern in the paragraph. After all , the instruction is to provide only one topic per paragraph in order to get a better C&C score.

Your conclusion is unacceptable because it discusses your personal opinion. The personal opinion is never used to closed the discussion because that offers an additional information presentation to the reader. The conclusion should only remind the reader of what the previous discussion was all about in order to help them better understand what you said in the personal opinion part of the essay paragraphs.

As for your personal opinion discussion.

Scholarship / Leadership used to control the teamwork on engineering - Chevening essay [4]

Ayu, you can easily lower the word count of your essay if you reformat the essay. There are a number of paragraphs that are not necessary to the presentation so its removal will not have a direct impact on the narrative you are presenting. I would like to start by removing the first paragraph of the essay. It is unnecessary as the essay is asking you to define leadership and influencing through your actions instead of by word definition. By going directly into the discussion about "I work in the construction sector..." you immediately create a strong basis for your response presentation. It also helps to better define, through action, the meaning of leadership and influencing to you. Then, remove the reference to your university studies because there is no clear relationship between your academic leadership and professional leadership and influencing skills. The Chevening reviewers are more concerned with your professional applications because the masters degree courses will be based more on professional exposure than previous academic learning. By removing these paragraphs, you can further develop the presentation of your leadership and influencing skills in relation to your profession in the construction field.

Writing Feedback / [task1] Three possible sites for a new hypermarket, which will be built in the city of Pellington [7]

Gang, you have a fixation on shopping centers. That seems to keep popping up in this particular analysis of yours even though the map itself and its accompanying descriptions do not indicate the existence of a shopping center. An industrial complex does not include any shopping facilities because that is composed of factories and offices. I believe that you have a misunderstanding of the term "industrial" in this essay. Industries are composed of factories and manufacturing plants. There are no shopping meccas there. Stop indicating such things. There is no reference to noise from the industrial complex in relation to shopping either. Like I said, an industrial complex is different from a mixed use complex. A mixed use complex has both industrial and recreation facilities like a mini mall, which would relate to your discussion better. If it is not listed in the side bar, it is not implied in the drawing, it should not be included in your presentation. Stick only to images actually provided for the discussion. No additions of non-existent illustrated portions. Remember, explain within reasons supported by the illustration. Do not make up information or include information that is not visible in the image. You will lose major points for that. Everything else in the essay is fine in terms of analysis and information presentation.

Writing Feedback / Is it essential for newcomers to get used and follow the traditions and culture in a foreign country [4]

Seol, one of the main problems in your essay is that it becomes incoherent and non-cohesive in presentation due to the poorly developed sentence and paragraph presentations. Almost every paragraph in your essay is a run-on sentence. You must learn how to use other punctuation marks other than the comma. The most important punctuation mark for use in this essay is the period. Use it well and you will present highly developed ideas and thoughts within your paragraphs.

Do not bother to use numerical sequencing when creating your discussion. A 3 body paragraph is too short for that. Instead, just discuss each point directly. This will show a confidence in your writing style that is often covered up by weak writers using sequencing references. The authority and convincing power of the statements you presented weakened due to the numerical referencing at the start.

Your opening statement is also improperly presented. Refer to the following correct representation instead for future reference:

Some people believe that the culture and way of life of a country one is moving to must be followed. This will help them start a new life in the country. Others think this is not necessary. I agree with the belief that assimilating into a new culture is important when a person decides to take residence in a different part of the world.

Since there is no reference to an "extent" of your opinion, there is no need to use terms such as "completely" in the discussion instruction representation. A simple statement of "agree" or "disagree" would have been sufficient enough.

You need to practice due diligence in your essay writing by proof-reading, editing, and properly revising the essay to suit the prompt requirements and scoring considerations. You can spot the places in your work where you failed to do that. Make sure you avoid the same mistakes in the future.

Letters / 'She was flexible and willing to work on any project' - recommendation letter from employer [4]

Polina, first up, It would seem that you are writing this letter in the hopes of finding someone who will sign it for you. I can tell that this is not an employer created letter due to the intricacies of the content that only the actual employee would know about. Information such as those indicated in the second paragraph make the letter itself questionable. Specially the reference to Google Adwords. You must remove any reference to information that only you would know about because that will make this recommendation letter null and void.

In order to improve this letter, you must open it with a formal introduction coming from the person who supposedly wrote it. So indicate his name, formal work title, and in what capacity he worked with you. Those information are either unclear of confusing in your current opening paragraph. Clean it up.

Never indicate that the ideas you bring up are inappropriate. The letter should only discuss your strengths. It should not give an inkling of any weaknesses on your part. Would you admit someone to work with or study in your school who may have the potential to have inappropriate actions? Right, you won't. So why say that in your recommendation letter?

Graduate / Need help on PhD Statement of Purpose - civil/environmental engineering [3]

Pavankumar, this is a unique method of presenting your SOP. Were you asked to outline your discussion in this manner? Or did you just opt to use this presentation? It would be better if you don't use subheadings and just offer up a straightforward essay. The reviewer knows what he is looking for in your data so the outline is only a distraction for him. Additionally, you can remove the reference to extra curricular activities in this essay. It is not a requirement for a PhD course. You should also summarize your college education into 2 or 3 sentences. The focus of your educational background should now be on the masters education that you received and the internship your were invited to attend. Place our field of interest at the topmost of the essay. Let me show you how I would arrange your essay to better suit a PhD application:

1. Field of interest
2. Academic excellence
3. Work experience and potential problem to be addressed
4. Dissertation summary
5.. Why XYZ university?

These are the only required and vital information that relates to your application. Deliver these information in the revision and you should be ready to go.

Undergraduate / A chance to describe yourself, your readiness for college, your pursuits and achievements [5]

Natalia, I am sorry to say that you did not respond to the prompt at all. You were asked to discuss your readiness for college, not talk about memories from your past or childhood. The essay needs to hear about your academic activities and accomplishments, or non-accomplishments that will help the reviewer asses whether or not you are capable of functioning with the rigors of a college academic setting. There is nothing in your essay that describes any of these factors. Therefore, you will need to write a new essay. In the new essay, discuss any academic activities that you had which would lead to a solid preparation on your part for college. One bit of information that you can present in that regard is if you took AP classes in high school. AP classes help to prepare the student for college by giving college type lessons in a high school setting. Or perhaps you took Kumon classes to strengthen some academic weakness that you have in Math or reading. Or, you took Kumon for advanced class preparation. If you do not have any college level preparations, then this essay should help you explain why you are not prepared for college and yet, you feel that you will be able to achieve the requirements of a college class based on alternative reasons. Talk about yourself in relation to your college preparation through your activities and accomplishments.

Writing Feedback / The official forbiddance of smoking in public places - IELTS writing practice task 2 academic [5]

Lee, I have an opposing point of view from the poster above when it comes to the consideration of your essay discussion. For me, you have discussed the topic in an uncommon way, which shows logic and reasoning on your part. The fact that you found a loophole in the "public" smoking places such as "privately owned" bars and other areas, shows that you know the laws of your land and how it applies to people. Of course a bar, though public in its service, is privately owned and as such, can mandate their own rules when it comes to the smoking ban. Although, their rules will have to be based on the national law. Good job! I would score you highly on your TA section for this test. You were able to argue the essay from a new angle not done before at this forum and perhaps, in the actual test.

The only problem that I see with your discussion, is the way you paraphrased the original prompt. Since there is a 3 sentence minimum requirement per paragraph, your opening paraphrase did not fulfill that instruction. Your last sentence should have been separated into 2 because you presented 2 different ideas within a single sentence. Your point of view is one sentence, the discussion method, is another independent sentence. That way, the run-on sentence could have been avoided and the sentence requirement would have been met.

As for the concluding statement, this is only meant to recap the discussion in order to remind the reader of the preceding information. What you did was continue the discussion in the closing part. That means, you are not closing the essay. Just saying "to conclude" but without summarizing the previous information doesn't signify a closed discussion. This is an open ended essay waiting for the proper concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / A school has been given money to spend on one thing to improve the school. [2]

Laura, I think you have not been properly briefed as to how to write the opening statement of a TOEFL test. You have an incorrect representation of what the opening statement requires because you kicked off the discussion without first familiarizing your audience with the topic for discussion. Let me show you an example of the expected presentation for this essay:

An educational institution has been given the financial opportunity to improve its performance but can only choose between two areas for improvement. One area for improvement is the ability of the academy to improve is after school activities. The other option, is to develop better food conditions in the student lunchroom. In this essay, I will discuss why it will be better for the school to use the money on making food choice and presentation improvements.

You must make sure that your opening statement varies enough in presentation that the examiner will not think that you only plagiarized your content presentation. You can do this by using various keywords and synonyms throughout the paragraph that will help you keep the essence of the original presentation in a manner that better depicts your English writing abilities.

Now, while you do have a decent grasp of the English language, you do not have any actual background in the scoring considerations for the TOEFL test. One of the considerations is that you are capable of expressing yourself in complete 5 sentence paragraphs. Keeping on focus and not over discussing a topic in a single paragraph. As you can see from your current work, you made that unconscious error. I am saying it is "unconscious" because I believe you are reviewing alone and do not have any professional help while you try to review for the test.

Pick only 3 reasons to support your point of view and discuss these within 3 paragraphs. Then write the conclusion in a manner that still strongly supports your discussion. You did a pretty good job of doing that in this essay. It can still be improved but that is something that you slowly fall into as your writing skills improve.

Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS task 1-The maps of town center of Islip now and in the future [3]

Lu, when you provide the summary overview for your essay, always remember to include the discussion instruction at the end because that will serve to explain the purpose of the analytical essay to the reader. You actually wrote an effective overview here, the only thing missing is the reference to the discussion instruction. That is something so simple that you can add that to the end of your summary overview in your next practice test. Completing the summary overview will ensure a higher TA score for you which will result in increased scoring considerations for your remaining criteria.

For this type of essay, since you are supplied with 2 images and you are allowed up to 5 paragraphs to develop, the better presentation of the discussion would have been:

Par. 2 - Details of the first map
Par. 3 - Details of the 2nd map
Par. 4 - Comparison of changes within the 2 map illustrations

Paragraph 5 is optional so you are good if you can present 4 solid paragraphs with relevant information indicated and explained in each one.

Writing Feedback / The population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults. good or bad? [2]

This sort of essay, based upon your title heading, indicates that you are to pick only one side of the discussion for development in your presentation. Either having more young adults in a population is good or bad. Pick one side and defend within 3 paragraphs in the body of your essay prior to your conclusion but after the introduction. So the paraphrase for this essay should have been:

As the number of young adults in some countries continue to grow, the aging population begins to number less in the overall count. At the moment, there is a focus on the discussion as to whether or not this development is a good or bad thing. In this essay, I will be presenting my singular opinion on the matter based upon examples and reasons that I am familiar with.

The only time that you do not use a singular opinion discussion in an essay is when you are specifically asked to discuss "both points of view". In this essay, you are given a choice of topic to discuss. By developing your discussion based on only one opinion, you have the ability to present a fully understandable and well supported discussion that could increase your final score in all band considerations.

Writing Feedback / Maps below show the centre of small town called Islip as it is now, and plans for its development [4]

Always reference both discussion instructions in your paraphrase. You neglected to mention that comparisons will also be discussed as a manner of differentiating between the old and new town center in the essay. That additional information would have added to your TA score had you completely referenced the instructions provided.

Your information regarding the current set up of the town is incomplete. You should have included at least a sentence for each location within the map. That would show accuracy in your reporting and truly informed the reader of the current status of the town and give them an idea as to why certain changes need to be made, without directly saying it.

As for the future of the town, you neglected to mention the dual carriage way, school, and park. Again, incomplete information is provided. This will really affect your TA score as well as the C&C section of the essay. Remember, you will be scored on the accuracy of your presentation. Not just your ability to meet the word count.

A concluding statement is not necessary in a Task 1 essay. So this presentation was not necessary as it adds to the erroneous reporting you have been making throughout the essay. There is nothing in either maps to indicate that the population of the town will be affected as to be increased. So there is no sense in referencing information that cannot be confirmed by the image provided. You will lose points for making up information because the analysis essay becomes faulty and unreliable.

Scholarship / In my view networking is the best way in socialization process, Chevening networking essay. [3]

Nasser, this is not a networking essay. This is a leadership and influencing essay. You use the wrong prompt for the essay. Either that or, you did not understand the difference between the networking requirements and the "leadership and influencing" discussion points. In all of the experiences that you presented here, networking was not the key factor present, it was your leadership and influencing ability. You knew how to get the job done through communication skills and influencing others to follow your instructions. Those are definitely meant for the other essay, not the networking essay. So you have to use this for the more suitable prompt.

Before you do that though, you should remove the leadership and influencing references to your academic days and volunteer activities. For the academic phase, that is not of interest to the reviewer. He is only interested in your leadership and influencing skills in relation to your actual work experience up to present. The last part, about you gathering youths to protest, remove that. You do not want to tell the reviewer or give the reviewer the idea that you cannot properly represent all that is good about Chevening's programs because you have a tendency to lead mass protests. As a scholarship applicant, if it appears that you are not capable of submitting to a higher authority and, that you will constantly question, in a disruptive manner (as a protest tends to often do) the movements of the authorities and government leaders, then you will definitely lose all possible consideration for your application as a scholar. You are ruining your own chances at consideration by constantly bringing up the fact that you are an activist. Don't tell the reviewer that. This is not the time nor place for it. This is the second time you have presented that in your essay and this is the second time I have told you not to include that information for your own sake. I do not want to see it again. If I see it again, I will not advice you anymore because you insist on killing your chances at a scholarship consideration.

With all of that said, I will ask you to write a new essay that more accurately considers the professional network that you have created in line with your job. The essay has to show how the network was developed due to the demands of your job. Then you need to prove that you have a method by which you cultivate that network for future use. Then reference how this network can be an asset to Chevening in the future if, you are given a scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to VIP's personal lives [4]

Behzab, if you want to increase you word count in order to improve your score, you have to aim to write at least 300 words for a higher than average score. You already knew that right? The question then becomes, how do I write more words? You write more words by increasing your paragraph count to 5. How do I increase my paragraph count to five? You increase the paragraph count by creating a proper paraphrasing and outline for your discussion starting with the first paragraph. You do not begin discussing the essay in the first paragraph. So what does the first paragraph have to look like? It should look like this:

These days, celebrities are constantly in the limelight. It is said that the mass media offers an insane amount of coverage to their personal lives. I agree with this statement for a number of reasons. In this essay, I will not only present my personal reasons for believing in this statement, but I will also offer my personal opinion regarding the matter.

Based on the above outline, you will have a complete 3 body of paragraphs that you need to discuss / present in the essay. This solid outline for the discussion in the opening statement created a line of discussion for you in the body. This will lead you to discussing a full 5 paragraph essay composed of the opening paraphrase, 3 body paragraphs, one concluding paragraph. Count it all and there are 5 aspects of paragraph presentations in the essay. Written and discussed properly, you are looking at an essay of at least 300 words. The reason for the increase in word count? The number of paragraphs involved. Writing a 3-5 sentence paragraph, as required, always pushes the writing to over 250 words.

You should be able to better develop your opening statement, in relation to your proper discussion, which will help you develop your word count, over time. It takes practice and perseverance to do that. Just remember, when you write the opening statement, paraphrase the discussion topic first. Then outline the discussion points from the original prompt. After that, you can give the mode of discussion as your thesis statement at the end. That should give you at last 3 sentences to kick off your essay with.

Additionally, try to avoid writing long sentences or run on sentences. These are extra long sentences tend to distract the reader due to the number of discussions it entails when individualized sentences are required and better for the essay scoring in terms of C&C and GRA scoring considerations.

Book Reports / An Essay on Manipulation in Macbeth [2]

Hi Angelo. your essay is good but lacks a punch that will show that there was a serious analysis on your part regarding the events that unfolded. I know, it is extremely difficult to understand the writing of the greatest Bard, but you should be able to get a better understanding and feel for his writing if you look up other analysis and reports regarding Macbeth online.

What you wrote is a good draft. It allows the reader to see the superficial and most immediate considerations for the manipulation that occurred on both sides. What you need to present, in addition to that, is information about the mindset of the two characters that drove their desire for power at the expense of manipulating those around them. What was the psychological factor that each character faced that led to their desire to manipulate others or their internal weakness that allowed them to be manipulated as well by those around them. If you can factor that discussion into your essay, then the basis for the manipulation, in relation to their desire for power will have a better foundation for the reader to grab on to as he reads further into your essay.

By the way, look out for your spelling. You accidentally typed "inhering" when I think you meant "inheriting". Small mistakes like those distract big-time from the discussion you are presenting. You want to keep the reader focused on what you have to say so make sure you proof read and edit the paper before you submit it for scoring.

Writing Feedback / Communication and trust are considered to be indispensable parts of social life [5]

@Rubenstein You are simply being asked to write a free flowing essay based on a given topic. The thesis statement of the topic provided is depended upon you. That is the problem with your essay, your opening statement, even in a free flowing essay / opinion paper essay / narrative essay, needs to have a focal point for the discussion presented upfront in order to give the discussion a semblance of order, importance, and information. Your first paragraph just talks about communication and trust in a general manner, without giving the reader an idea as to what sort of discussion you want to have about communication and trust. There no point to be made regarding the discussion. You are merely discussing for the sake of discussing. There are no merits to be had from writing and reading the essay based upon your opening statement.

That is a sad development in your essay because you actually make some pretty good points with your writing. The problem, is that there is no focus or direction for the topics presented. Again, you just keep talking without truly making a connection between the thoughts you are presenting. How do you keep the reader interested in your essay when your focus is all over the place? The reader is thoroughly confused by the time the end of your essay is reached. No point was made, no lesson was learned, no objective was achieved. There is no coordination between the two topics that would have merged the discussion in such a manner that the symbiotic relationship between the two would have been better presented and explored.

That is why this essay isn't as effective as it should be. In order to become an effective essayist, you need to first learn how to give importance to the topic being presented and then discover how you can make the readers care about what you have to say in relation to the provided topic. Coming up with your own prompt statement based upon the suggested discussion in order to create a clear outline for your essay presentation would be the first step towards that.

Scholarship / For the leader sky isn't the limit when there are footprints on the moon - Chevening scholarship [3]

Mohabatullah , you are confusing the content of your essay. The first part belongs to the essay on networking skills. The second half is what discusses your leadership and influencing skills. Focus on the presentation of the work entailed in being the dean of the college department. You have safely established that you have a strong leadership personality in the essay from the way that you managed the project. The evidence of your influencing skills would be the only missing element from the essay. Try to explain why you needed to influence the donors for the project and what kind of convincing method you had to use in order to influence them into participating in the project in the manner that you required. You can't simply mention it in passing. You need to work on proving that your skills when it comes to influencing people exist and that you have the capacity to do that continuously based upon the demands and requirements of the projects that you lead. Right now, you only imply your influencing skills but you justify your leadership talents. You need to justify the influencing skills as well in order to balance the essay content in line with the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / THE WAR WITHIN OUR BODY, I need help with my study plan for my application for KGSP [3]

Ojo, start the essay with the current second paragraph. That at least gives the background of your education that can related to your planned thesis research. The outline is acceptable but leaves the reviewer with a question. How does a Korean education and exposure to the Korean medical field fit into this study plan? You need to insert some reference points to the current status of research on Korea regarding this MERS virus, what hospital or government research facility you hope to be allowed to volunteer or intern at in order to help with your research, and what you hope the end result of your research will be. After that, you need to acknowledge that since you will have to live in Korea for a number of years after you graduate, that you will turn over the results of your research to the government or university and then pursue more advanced research in the hopes of eradicating the MERS virus with the help of Korean scientists and virologists. After you do that, the essay will be complete.

Graduate / I am the the example of globalisation. SOP for MSc of International Business/Management in the UK [3]

Daniel, this is not a statement of purpose, this is a personal statement. So you need to use this essay for a personal statement requirement, not the SOP. For the SOP, you need to focus on different information. More professional information since you are expected to have been working at least 2 years already prior to your interest in a masters degree certification. For the SOP, introduce your professional background up to the present. Tie that experience in with your desire to learn more about international relations pertaining to business management. What problems have you encountered? How does that relate to your need for higher academic study? What do you hope to accomplish for yourself and your career by earning this certification within a year?

Consider what relevant experience you have which has prepared you to take on this MS course of study. Anything from your summarized college education and achievements, all the way to your current training in seminars or other related skill development programs. Discuss and relate to your ability to complete the program because of your educational foundation.

If required, present an overview of your proposed thesis. Tie that research interest into your decision to attend this specific university. How can the university help you better research your proposed thesis? What programs in particular do you feel directly ties in with your interests in the course? What makes the university program unique in that aspect?

Following the instructions I have given you above and the list of questions for you to respond to, you should be able to create a comprehensive and truly informative SOP that will be highly usable to your application. Good luck with your application and the revision of the essay.

Writing Feedback / [task1] Three possible sites for a new hypermarket, which will be built in the city of Pellington [7]

Gang, you can most certainly write 250 words within 20 minutes and get an excellent score. Working within that time frame to create the high standard of essay writing that could get you a high score needs to be achieved through constant practice though. Writing and writing until the analysis and writing part becomes so second nature to you, that you find 20 minutes too long for the writing task already. It seems difficult for now, but in reality, as you get better with writing over time, you will begin to find that you are writing the same length of essay within 20 minutes or less already.

I believe that you are asking about the "trending" discussion that is represented in the second paragraph. Yes, you can safely omit that in this and any future essay that does not have a direct requirement for a "trending" presentation. The choice of what to include and not include in your essay is actually your own decision to make. You will be scored either way. So do what you feel you are comfortable doing or write how you feel the essay should be written based upon the allotted time frame. If you can bundle information for presentation in other paragraphs, then you can do that as well. You can combine information in an analytical essay, per paragraph. You just can't do that in the Task 2 essay because of differing writing requirements.

With regards to your score for this essay. A funny thing happened as I reviewed your paper. I was looking at the map, trying to find the reference that would support your claim of "a dazzling collection of merchandises and services." I did not find any portion on the map or its description list that would support that claim. Neither was there a reference to "smoke billowing from the chimneys". So for the TA portion, you get a 5. For the rest of the scoring considerations, a 7.

You now have a tendency to make up information as you write the essay, which makes it extremely difficult for you to complete the review of the presented work and the report workup within the allotted 20 minutes. That is why you took 40 minutes to write this essay. You found a need to make up and include information that wasn't in the original presentation. Don't do that. That is the best way to keep getting scored down in the test. Stick to the facts presented. Do not make up information unless it can be supported by visual evidence from the map.

Scholarship / Career plan essay for Chevening as a project manager [2]

Indra, let me tell you right now, based upon the experiences of the other Chevening applicants that I have helped here and who reached the final interviews, the only ones that made it through as a successful applicant are the ones whose UK connection post study plan was strong because it involved a current project the government or NGO from the UK was sponsoring in their country. Those who did not have the UK commonality project more often than not, did not receive the scholarship as there was no way to continue promoting Chevening and the UK projects in their field of work. In fact, Chevening encourages applicants to first check the list of UK supported masters classes as these are the fields that the UK often supports in specific countries. So your application has a major stumbling block at the moment.

What I can advise you to do is this. Since you are studying to become a master project manager, try to find some sort of connection between your project management abilities and the arts and entertainment programs the UK supports in your country. Maybe there is some sort of thin but usable connection between your field of interest and the UK project. That is all you can do to strengthen your essay in that aspect. It would seem that the masters degree you are applying for a scholarship to is also not a priority course for Chevening so the problems are just mounting for your application.

Your post study plan is strong and very impressive, without the required Chevening element. Once the element of the UK sponsored work in Indonesia comes into play, your post study plan falls apart. So the best thing for you to do at this point is to try and find that connecting element as best as you can. Without it, you cannot complete the post study plan essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Many countries increase the amount of household garbage going to landfill every year. [2]

Hang, you are taking an IELTS Task 2 test. This means, you are not allowed to start your discussion of the topic in the first paragraph. That is meant to only provide a restatement of the prompt requirements. It cannot house the actual discussion because those are required elements for paragraphs 2-4 of the essay, prior to the statement of the conclusion. The correct presentation for this opening paragraph is:

Countries increasingly fill landfills with trash from residences on a yearly basis. There are a number of factors that cause this. In this essay, I will present 2 causes of increased waste in dumping grounds. I will also make a suggestion as to how this can be reduced in the future.

Now, your body paragraphs are mere representations of various reasons why the garbage lots fill up. It does not really explain why this happens. Just that these are the causes for the increased rubbish in these disposal areas. So you will lose points for incompletely developed paragraph presentations. Your solution discussion is also difficult to understand and borders on the incoherent due to the problem with your sentence structures. It takes a few repeated readings before one can figure out what the point of the paragraph is.

Please do not present information in parenthesis. Any statement that you make needs to be connected to the existing paragraph structure, this method of presentation removes that connection and makes the parenthesis contained information irrelevant to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / It is now possible for scientist and tourist to travel remote natural environment eg. the south pole [3]

Ummu, the difficulty in understanding your presentation and the lack of cohesive and coherent paragraphs have led me to believe that your score for this essay will not be higher than a 3. You do not express a clear position on the discussion, and your ideas remain underdeveloped due to your difficulty in presenting your opinions and thoughts on the matter in the English language. You have an extremely limited ability to portray cohesive devices in your sentence development which left you with highly limited control over your word formation when it came to sentence presentation. There are simply too many grammatical errors and sentence structure problems in your essay for it to be considered for a score higher than the one that I gave you. You must go back and study how to form simple English sentences, learn how to properly do that, and then practice writing simple sentences before you try to write another practice test. That is because I doubt, based upon your current skills that simply writing the practice tests will help you improve your skills. You need basic training before on to advanced English language training.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Is local history more important than world history? Opinion essay. [4]

Van, I am confused as to the method of presentation that you have in this essay. In the title, you say that you are discussing an opinion essay for this topic. Yet, your presentation is that of a compare and contrast essay. Discussing both opinions prior to presenting your own. There are 2 conflicting discussion types in your presentation. My inability to properly assess your essay for relevance in this instance is because you failed to provide the complete prompt requirements. That is why I am unsure about whether or not you presented your ideas in the proper manner. Perhaps next time you can provide the complete prompt along with the new essay. That way, I can tell if you are doing the right job or not. BTW, please remember the 3 sentence minimum requirement as it applies to both the opening and closing presentations of your essay. You will be marked down for writing less than the correct sentence number. In terms of your discussion, I can only assume that you made a mistake in delivering your response since you indicated an opinion essay alone, but you discussed a compare and contrast with personal opinion essay instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - it is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up [6]

Alimin, your score for this essay will not be higher than a 2 for a very simple reason, your response barely responds to the given prompt. You have somehow managed to not only misunderstand the prompt requirement, but also discuss a totally different topic along with it. You have an obviously weak ability when it comes to English comprehension skills. The simple paraphrasing of the prompt was something as follows:

These days, courses in parenting are being offered to help parents learn how to properly raise their children. Some questions have arisen as to whether or not this is a necessary activity for parents. I have a tendency to agree with the opinion that parents should take parenting courses in order to help them better raise their children.

Now, the problem with your essay is that you do not focus on the sole discussion topic provided. You also discuss divorce and promiscuity, which are not included in the original prompt discussion. Therefore, a prompt deviation occurred. It was this mistake in your discussion presentation that led to the failure of your overall essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / Children raised in the countryside have better than those from urban areas? [3]

Behzab, your essay is very strong in terms of discussion points. These are well threshed out, presented, and completed developed to the point where I can safely say that your reasoning and examples are strong and will provide you with an excellent consideration for the C&C, LR, and GRA sections of the band score. However, your opening statement was weakened by your inaccurate portrayal of the original prompt requirement. You have to remember that you are not given the privilege of beginning the discussion, or presenting relevant information in this particular paragraph. Aside from delivering an accurate representation of the original prompt, you are not allowed to do much in this portion. The first half of your opening statement is faulty because of the immediate discussion of the prompt. However, your latter portion was more attuned to the requirements, with just one problem. This is not an "extent" essay. It is only a simple "agree or disagree" essay. That means, the "completely disagree" statement is misplaced. You should have only referred to a simple "disagreement" with the given original statement.

Writing Feedback / Whether taking a gap year is a reasonable idea? (help, rescue poor writting) [4]

Jane, if I am not mistaken, the prompt you are responding to in this task is as follows: In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Here is the thing. If this is indeed the prompt that you are responding to, then it should not have been discussed as a personal opinion essay because the prompt does not require that. It does require an advantage and disadvantage discussion, but only within the realm of public, not personal opinion. Therefore, your approach to the essay may be considered faulty and you will get scored down in the TA section. However, you will be scored properly for the rest of the sections because the essay you wrote still responds accurately to the prompt. It's just that this is not a personal opinion essay so your TA base score would be somewhere between a 4 and 5.

Graduate / Being able to attend a UWC for 2 years would serve as my golden opportunity to achieve my goals [2]

Raqib, you cannot just say that you read something about UWC that made you realize that this is what you were looking for. There is nothing in that statement that will tell the reviewer anything about how you embody the UWC mission and values. The previous paragraph that you wrote, although somewhat responsive to the prompt, is confusing in terms of content and topic discussion. The best thing to do would be to revise the essay in terms of presentation.

Bring the statement you made about UWC being what you are looking for up to the opening statement. Then expand that presentation to relate to the cravings that you had to help people. That will help you align your vision with the objective of the college which is:

... a global education movement that makes education a force to unite people, nations and cultures for peace and a sustainable future.

While your essay is good up to the point of wanting to unite people and diverse cultural experiences, it falls flat when it comes to the sustainable future aspect. Try to develop a paragraph or two that relates to that in your revised version. Aside from that addition and slight revision, the rest of the essay seems pretty solid. You just have to make sure to divide the topic discussions of the first paragraph into 2 because that paragraph is running extra long and has 2 topics being discussed in it. That makes it difficult to remember what you are saying in that paragraph in relation to the UWC mission and vision.

Scholarship / Seeking to connect with mind-like leaders through Chevening [3]

Jennifer, you must strengthen a few of your networking claims in the essay as the reference you made to them are of vital importance to your Chevening application. In the first paragraph, you indicated that you began building your network when you were an international student studying overseas. Provide evidence of the existence of that network at present and how it has helped you advance your career or other aspects related to your profession.

Now, I am unclear as to how you used your networking skills when you tried to gain employment. Can you be more specific about that part? Perhaps relate it to the international network you were bragging about earlier in the essay? You also need to provide stronger evidence of the networking skills related to your becoming an event coordinator and its relevance to the introduction made to the producer. After meeting the producer, how did that enhance your professional network?

Paragraphs 3 and 4 are irrelevant. You would have made a better impact by just building on the two networking references in the earlier part of the essay. The rest of what you wrote is not really relevant to proving the existence of your networking skills. It would be better if you could also explain how your current and future networks, developed during your time as a Chevening scholar will help the members of the scholarship program both past, present, and future.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research [3]

There are 2 observational points that I would like to call your attention to. The first, is the problem pertaining to how you develop your discussion sentences. There is a basic grammar rule in English writing that indicates a writer cannot start a sentence with a connecting word because a connecting word requires the presence of previous information in the same sentence in order to be effectively used. You violated this rule twice in the second paragraph. You know which words I am referring to (And, Because).

The second observation I have relates again, to your grammar structure in relation to the coherence and cohesiveness section of the essay. As you know, the main requirement for the C&C section is that complete paragraphs need to be presented in order to be accurately scored for the section. Yet, in your opening paraphrase and third paragraph, you have run-on sentences presented. This will result in points deductions. Each thought must be indicated as a separate sentence in order to allow for a proper explanation and appropriate grammatical presentation in the paragraph.

I have to make one additional observation before I close my message to you. Do not place examples in a parenthesis. Any examples presented in these essays need to be developed as full supporting statements for an opinion presented. When you place it in a parenthesis, it doesn't have any bearing nor contribution to the discussion.

Scholarship / Networking for better health outcomes (Chevening essay) [4]

Christi, this one of the more applicable and impressive networking essays that have been posted in this forum. Congratulations on successfully drafting an effective networking essay. It can serve as an example to the others applying for the Chevening scholarship and who are struggling with how to write this particular prompt. That said, there is one portion of the essay that you need to better develop.

It seems to me that you were inspired to study in the UK after networking with a Chevening scholarship graduate. Hence the reference to the assistance that you got from this person regarding your application process. Now, this is where "name dropping" will come in handy. Since you know a person directly connected with the scholarship, mention the name of that person as a "reference" in relation to "networking". The relationship you have with this person just might help boost your application because of the pre-existing relationship you have with the program. I am asking you to do this because I am sure that the person will vouch for your application, which can help in the final round of considerations, should you get that far in the application process.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of men and women from the Aussie country who did systematic physical activity [4]

Yes, numbers are included in the word count. Whether spelled out or numerical, it counts towards the total number of words used in the essay. Now, on to your essay proper. The opening summary that you wrote is again, incomplete. There needs to be an outline of the information that is going to be presented, the method of measurement, and the instructions for the discussion. The trending statement should also be included in this presentation. These all comprise the outline of the body of paragraphs and also, delivers the necessary requirements for the TA scoring based on English comprehension skills. Your opening summary must always follow the required 3-5 sentence requirement without which, the presentation will not be considered a complete paragraph. Without all of the necessary information provided in summary form, your analytical overview can be deemed incomplete and this, scored down.

Be mindful of your spelling. Always double check and proofread before submitting your essay. You made a mistake in presenting the name of the country. In the trending paragraph, you said "Austalia" when you meant to say "Australia". Simple spelling mistakes such as that still result in points deductions.

All the data in the essay must be present in the essay you write. You cannot be selective of the data you will be presenting because that results in an incomplete analysis. The data is there to help you increase the overall information you will be presenting, which will allow you to write more words and thus, increase the GRA score.

Please remember that in academic writing, you are not allowed to start a sentence with "and" because that signifies a connecting term. Since there is nothing to connect at the start of a sentence, you cannot use that term to open the discussion.

Scholarship / My guidance toward others - Chevening essay on leadership [4]

Thilini, the first work related experience that you presented should be removed for this essay and instead, used to anchor your networking essay development. What you displayed in that performance was your ability to create a valid, working, and effective network of profession related organizations and professionals. That is better suited for the networking essay.

Your second presentation about the organization is more in line with the leadership and influencing prompt of this essay. Try to develop the presentation of those skills in this essay instead. You only need about 3 paragraphs to make it highly effective so, you can divide the presentation into 2 short, but highly informative paragraphs, then close the essay with a strong statement in order to present an informative 3 paragraph essay based on the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Dependance on mobile phones. Everyone is using them more or less intensively. [3]

Huynh, you properly discussed the prompt by choosing to discuss only one side of the issue. This is a clear instruction based upon the existence of the word OR in the instruction sentence. There was no requirement to discuss both sides then offer a personal opinion. This is a personal opinion essay only. It is not a comparative discussion essay.

There are only 2 problems with your essay at this moment. The first, is that your topic paraphrasing is not aligned with the original as you indicated "a great deal of controversy" when the original prompt only presented a discussion topic, no controversy attached to it. It does not help your essay when you exaggerate the original topic for discussion because it shows that you do not have the ability to truly understand an English sentence and that you tend to over sensationalize a discussion due to your lack of English comprehension skills. Your instruction paraphrase however, is acceptable. Here is how the topic paraphrase should have gone:

These days, it is not uncommon for people to respond to work and personal notifications coming from their cellular phones. This allows the public to stay in contact with one another during the week, including weekends. Although the idea that...

Fixing the topic presentation to be more in line with the original discussion, plus your appropriate instruction restatement would have increased your TA score.

Now, you have a tendency to score lower in the C&C section of the essay because you try to discuss multiple ideas in one paragraph. You are actually only allowed to discuss up to 3 reasons in this essay within the body paragraphs, which will represent one idea per paragraph. You have to use only one idea per paragraph because you need to fully explain and support your reasoning behind your topic sentence. Right now, you only have representations of ideas, not fully understandable and logically acceptable reasons because you only list the reasons without a solid explanation to support it. That is what happens when you discuss one too many reasons in a paragraph that only allows for a maximum of 5 sentences each.

Finally, we careful of your vocabulary use as this could result in a failing LR score. The term "apperceiving", is a verb that means "to perceive (something) in terms of past experience." That is not a term that falls within the context of the discussion you are presenting. Do not try to impress the examiner by using "big" words when you are not sure of when or how to use them. That will only adversely affect your overall score. Specifically, the LR score. Using simple English words that get your point across would have been a far more effective method of closing your essay.

Scholarship / Hard work and perseverance are essential in any aspect of my life. Answering Chevening question. [3]

Theodora, your essay is not very strong. It only contains college based leadership and influencing representations. This does not help your application because there are no management skills involved in your activities. There is a lack of conflict, decision making, and explanation to subordinates that would qualify this as a professional leadership and influencing activity. While you did represent a professional aspect of leadership and influencing, it was so short and irrelevant that it you may as well have skipped presenting it altogether.

This is not about amateur achievements, this is about your ability to lead a department or team towards a successful resolution of a given professional scenario. this could have been better represented in your capacity as a coordinator at the junior high school. That is the only part of the essay that could be revised to create a more prompt responsive and clear representation of your leadership and influencing abilities.

As a coordinator, the title already implies leadership and the work description, automatically conveys the need for influencing skills. In order to create a more competitive essay, you should remove the first 2 activities in the essay and then focus on presenting an event that you had to coordinate amidst some obstacles that required you to use influencing skills in order to successfully mount an event, complete a project, or successfully achieve a work objective. This just might be able to prove that you have the ability to become a leader and influence within your profession in relation to your country's development in the future.

Scholarship / Chevening leadership and influence essay. My journey to become a leader in the future. [4]

Nasser, you have some pretty good leadership experiences here. However, the influencing parts in both instances are not well threshed out. You need to explain in greater detail how you influenced the people around you. This is not the time to summarize your presentations because the fully developed presentation is what will prove that you have the type of leadership and influencing abilities that the scholarship is looking for. Your management skills are admirable so develop the influencing discussion in order to create an accurate representation of both skills in your essay.

By the way, in the 3rd paragraph, you need to clarify whether or not you are the owner of the professional service. Offer a more in-depth description as to how you used your influencing skills to gain business for the company. Right now, you are only providing an overview of that aspect. Your essay needs specifics in order to be more effective.

You will also need to develop a clearer closing paragraph because the current one that you have is confusing. I am not sure what the point of that paragraph is. I think it will be best if you divide the presentation into at least 2 sentences so that you can better explain the meaning of or represent the objective of the closing statement.

Writing Feedback / When proffesors give project on which students must work together, the students learn more effective [5]

Behzab, you are not discussing this essay in the proper manner. The prompt indicates that this is an agree or disagree essay that must be supported by reasons and examples. What you presented in the paraphrase was the impression that this will be an opinion paper based on a discussion of the two points of view. That is an unacceptable prompt alteration. It is an alteration because it does not provide insight in the manner that is dictated by the original prompt. Since this essay does not properly address the TA requirements, your score will be a low 2 because it barely responds to the task. Your opening statement is not even a representation of the TA requirements as it does not paraphrase the original presentation that was provided to you. The paragraph discussion is too busy presenting various reasons and not enough examples. This caused an incoherent and non-cohesive presentation for your discussion. Again, the biggest problem the essay has is the prompt deviation. You should have simply said you do not agree with the idea that students should work together on a project then defended your solitary stance on the matter. Again, when there is a choice to be made in the discussion, only one discussion development should be presented. If one is asked to "discuss both opinions", then you can do a comparative discussion of the two sides.

Scholarship / "Leadership comes from within". Everyone is a leader in their own way. Chevening Essay [10]

Bella, your presentation should only focus on your leadership and influencing experience on your professional career. It is more relevant to the pursuit of future leaders and influencers under the Chevening requirements. The academic leadership skills that you present, though admirable, doesn't qualify as a true leadership skill because the presentation is based on an amateur leadership ability that is not directly related to your professional leadership skill, style, and influencing method. By properly developing the representation of both in your professional skills paragraph, you will be able to better deliver a clear idea of your leadership style. You will also need to develop a better presentation of your influencing skills because you only told the reviewer about it. What he needs to do is read about how you implement it. The same goes for your leadership skills. It is all a matter of presentation in line with the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Providing different kind of support to improve the quality of life of citizens in poorer nation [2]

Ricky, if you want to get a band score of 6 or higher for your future essays, you have to do two things. First, you need to improve your English understanding abilities, also known as comprehension skills and second, you need to practice developing simple English sentences. At the moment, your ability to discuss the correct topic based on the given prompt is not really good. In fact, it does not exist. You were asked to discuss whether the rich country should support the poor country. Somehow, you managed to turn it into a discussion about terrorism. That runs totally alternate to the prompt topic and discussion requirement. This essay that you wrote would not score higher than a 2. It is clear that you need to work on the points that I mentioned earlier because the essay that you wrote does not properly represent the required discussion. For now, I would like you to focus on developing your paraphrasing skills. That will help you improve your comprehension and restatement skills in relation to the scoring requirements of the Task 2 essay.